Steve's Story

a reason. UM. Really this episode for me, UM, it's something extremely personal. It's something that's extremely scary, UH to not necessarily put myself out there, but for me more of get the freedom out. UM. If you've listened to our podcast, my podcast, you've known. UM. I've talked in ways that maybe it will sound very clinical, which is true because I i UM, I received counseling, and not

because I'm documented crazy that I act like. But it's more of because of what I experienced and what UM, I know that I can't fix everything and process it and go through the process by myself, so I seek help in that process and it's been extremely helpful just because I've taken I've had a sports psychologist through my NFL career, which I've seen the benefits of talking through things and understanding having a plan, a psychological plan, understanding

why and how UM, and so that's really benefited me UM to where if you could use it professionally and it benefits you obviously have to also invest UH personally. And so through the years of counseling UM. The last couple probably like the last two years, I discover something that happened to me when I was a young child that I didn't realize until my late thirties. That's something happened to me that really impacted me. And if we talk about today what that is considered, UM, it is

considered UH sexual assault. I was assaulted when I was a kid UM And however way it is, I'm not trying to make light of it. I'm not trying to minimize anyone. It is very traumatic and it's something that if you have experienced it to whatever degree, whatever form, it's real and has a lasting effect. And something that I realized that is done to me. It is made me grow up holding secrets to where every single day.

Every single moment that I've had, I've asked myself or had that unconscious dialogue within myself, keep it to yourself, don't say anything. So I want to tell and one get the freedom out of what I experienced, but also to help, hopefully help someone else be able to share their story or just know that you're not by yourself. Sometimes it's just knowing that you are not by yourself, You're not alone. And so I have four kids and my youngest, Deuce, seven years old. My wife home schools.

He's in the second grade. What I experienced, I was just a year older, and my son maybe a year and a half, but not much older. Mam. I will not use the names, but I will tell the story because I think it is important after all these years that uh the person who did it, and then also the people that were involved. It is not my goal and it's not my responsibility to hold them accountable. I don't believe so. Because I've held on to it this long, it's just more for me to let it go and

release and remove that secret. So here goes. When I was around third or fourth grade, I was over my mom had a friend who had children. She had a daughter and a son and I. We used to go over there a lot and we had good friends. It was great friendship. But during that process we were old enough. You know this is I was the last key kid, right you where your kid? You wear your key on the shoelace. You didn't show anybody, didn't take anything off. You didn't You didn't take off the key. You didn't

sit it down. If you play basketball your shirt on, shirt off, you kept that key on your neck. You do not take that key off. And you definitely don't open the door for anybody. And in California, l A where I grew up, you don't even open the door when mom's not home. For the Jehovah witness, you just keep it moving. And so, um, we were all hanging out. My mom and her and their mom were off. Um I think they ran to the store. They did something, and I don't recall that part, but we were it

was three of us. Um. It was. It was a gentleman who was he was older than me, and he had a younger sister who is maybe same age as me or a year older. And we're all hanging out and things got a little funny. He says, Hey, y'all take your clothes off. Man, I'm young, you know, Okay, So I take my clothes off, and as I take my clothes off, also covered myself in the third or

fourth grade. Man, you know, I'm just you know you you hide, you hide yourself and we take off our clothes, and then he starts to instruct us and what to do. He tells me to get on top of her his sister. I had no idea what I was doing. I also had no interest in doing anything he told me, but I was also afraid if I didn't do it, what would happen. So as be start, he tells me to stick it in. I don't know what he's talking about. I have no idea, and I am not interested again,

and so he starts to instruct us into having sex. No, I'm in the third grade. I know zero about sex. My mind is not even there, let alone my body parts functioning in a way that they're supposed to. And I have no idea. So he's telling us things to do, and he's watching us, and now he's starting to um direct and give us orders and give us instructions. And so I go through it, and then I finally just stopped because I had a bad I had a feeling

down there that was unfamiliar to me. It didn't feel right, I didn't feel good, and so I got off of her and kind of went into the bathroom and he followed me. He said, what's the matter. I said, man, it feels funny. Is burning And now, being an adult, that was basically me not being able to produce something. But that's what it was, and more than anything, what transpired after its where the secrets grew, where a post

traumatic stress syndrome really start to kick in. And I don't mean that to say it in a way and to use it lightly, but I was really struggling with him because he said, don't tell anybody. You better not tell anybody, And so that's where the manipulation comes, that's where the the predator type of behavior starts to hover over. The content of what I'm saying is because I had no idea. I was a young kid, not interested. I

had no idea what was going on. But the ramifications, even the years later, even where it is today, still affect me till this moment. And one of those things, those things of holding secrets, feeling that at such a young age, I am that you can never be safe. And so Mom came home, came back. You know, we stayed around a little bit, we left. But then here's where the trauma started. The trauma started. Beca was every single moment after that, I was in fear, Say, huh,

what kind of fear were you in? Well as I was in fear that I was gonna get told on because I felt like I did something wrong. Now, what I did was wrong and it should have never happened to a young kid child, but I felt that it was something that I did that caused that, which I know now I didn't. I had no idea what I was even doing. I cannot fathom that a third grader, fourth grader is going through this now today. And so after that, you know, this is before pages, internet all that.

So every time the house phone rang, I thought it was there telling on me. And I felt that way for a very long time. Now I'll repeat that because I don't think people really understand the gravity of what I just said. There were no cell phones. I think the only thing they really had was maybe a pager, and like you were a dope boy or a doctor that had a pager like that, It was not like cell phones today where anybody can have one, all right, This is when they still had the Yellow Pages and

the phone book and operators. And so every time the house phone rang. And and here's the problem with why is that so traumatic? I grew up in the inner city. I grew up with a mom who just tried to do her best and make it so. We had a lot of outstanding bills. So there were a lot of times bill collectors were calling. Now not to tell on moms, but moms would always My mom would be her aunt, her sister, Mom, no she's not here. But I feared every time the phone rang. I was scared. I was

frightened because is that them? Are they gonna tell? But more than anything, I fear what my mom would think. What would my mom do to me? Because I at some point felt that I did something wrong and I struggled a very long time with it. I struggled because I couldn't tell my mama. I can tell my dad,

I can tell my grandparents. I can tell anyone. And so you gotta understand that third or fourth grader walking around the world holding that secret that he did something wrong, that he caused this, which to this day, I still struggle with people because I had something happened, multiple things not to not like this, not this didn't happen a lot, but it happened one too many, and I realized the

damage that has caused. You talk about what you talk about friends, you talk about the ying and the yang man. There is no yang and a yang when you go when you have these kind of trauma. I didn't realize it a sexual assault or sexual abuse until I did counseling, and the the counselor told me, I'm like, really, because when you're hiding that kind of secret, you internalized that secret, you start to believe everything that has happened you have

done something to cause that. I was forced at a young age to have sex with a girl I didn't want to. When I got up that morning, I did not know that was gonna happen. But unfortunately, when I went to bed, I went to bed different. I rose that morning broken a piece of me giving us someone else at the age that I was not prepared or could psychological to physically handle it. My innocence was taken away from me, and that's tough. But today I can say and talk about it in a way that's freedom.

This podcast for me is a place where we could be real. We could drop the personas and drop all of what we think of people and hear their true story of who they are, at their true essence, at the core m I played many years in the NFL, But before I even one day, before I put on a pair of cleats, I've seen things as a young man.

I've been through things as a young man that I never want my children to experience because I can see the end result the closed offulness that I have towards people, towards my family at times, towards the world, for a very long time, towards God. Because if this God is so great, how can he allow a young man to go through that? But I also now see that part of that is part of his plan in this purpose.

I really believe it because I'm living it. It ain't no way, as my son Boston said, ain't no way, boy, that I would be where I am today without the traumas and the things that I experienced. And each year, each moth, each quarter, as I do counseling, I learned more and more about myself that I shouldn't have experienced. But at forty two years old, I realized I got some freedom in my mind. I get to finally let go in my heart. Some people would, probably my wife said,

what was the point of that? The point is is for me cut to it is our is my sanctuary. It's a place of peace. But it's all the things that go on off the mic, off camera that I'm doing and processing through counseling. The goal I can identify and I can understand, and I don't have it all together, and I'm not gonna act like I do. But the purpose of this is we can't cut to the chase. We can't cut to it if we're unwilling to do

what we're asking our guests to do. Very few times on here I will use the name that a few people are allowed to call me by Steve Smith, Sr. But really, for a very long time, I did not believe that I was specially and a unique person, that there is no one else like me. Now I'm competent and lovable Steven Latrelle Smith Sr. Just free. I appreciate your listener. I hope this story gives other people an opportunity to share and be open to seek help as well.

And things that you've dealt with her, been asked to do, or you've had to do, how do you engage that's not fair or as an adult that you've been manipulated into doing. I appreciate your time the Steve Smith Sr. You've been listening to Cut to It. You are a unique person, you are well worth it, you are competent, and most of all, you're lovable. Cut to It with Steve Smith Senior. That Is Me is a production of Cut to It LLC, Balto Creative Media, The Black Effect

and I Heart Radio. For more podcast from I Heart Radio, visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows from Cut to It. Executive producer Steve Smith, Singer co host Gerard little John, talent in booking manager Joe Fusci, Social media team Wesley Robinson and John Show from Balto Creative Media. Cut to It is produced by Brian Falka Chevitch and Meredith Carter, with production assistance by Alex Lebrec. Production Coordinator Taylor Robinson.

Theme music by Alex Johnson, lyrics and vocals by Anthony Hamilton. You ain't heard am about it, then We're about to let you know it's all