Hey everyone, it's Anne. We've got a few recordings coming up so I wanted to let you know what they are so that you can submit your questions. We need more. We're working on an episode with Hannah McGregor about what happened to the kind of blockbuster movie that brings everyone together. Like summer blockbuster, Thanksgiving blockbuster, and for context,
Hannah just released a book about Jurassic Park. We're also working on an episode about trends happening on book talks, so if you see something while you're scrolling that you want to explain her on, or if you just want to know more about book talk, let us know. We're also doing some star image analysis on Nicole Kidman, who I love, so definitely need your questions and reactions on her career. Sam Sanders is going to join us for that one. And then we're continuing
our series on romance novels with an episode on all things queer romance. And as always, if none of those topics sound like a good time to you, let us know what would sound like a good time. We're planning our future episodes now, so you can always submit your show and guest ideas at tinyurl.com slash culture study pod. We literally cannot make this show without you, so thanks for chiming in. Okay, on with the show. This is the Culture Study Podcast, and I'm Anne Helen Peterson.
And I'm Christopher Burton. I wrote a book called Moeie Dyke, and obsessive quest to track down the last lesbian bars in America. And I also write a newsletter called Ocafid in my captain, where I go off about very miniscule things in daily life. Okay, so this is a great setup for the idea for this episode, which is strong opinions about trivial shit. Where, where did that come? Why did you want to talk about strong opinions about trivial shit?
There's a couple of reasons. Number one, we all have to deal with big stuff all the time. We're surrounded by big stuff, but what we're living in is tiny stuff. And our day-to-day lives don't get a lot of attention. And I like to discuss the minutia of the day-to-day. And I also think that that's where the most fun conversational stuff with your friends
comes from is like, you will not believe what happened to me today. You know, I like to talk about things like etiquette and mores and things that are like norms in society and like at a very tiny level. I also like to yell, complain about things that bother me that are small and really, really strongly recommend things that I truly love. So that's why. This helps explain why I have such an addiction to our little islands next door page. So we don't
have a Facebook group or anything like that. The next door page, it's much less toxic than most people's next doors, but it is filled with people talking about etiquette. Basically island etiquette. Like, you will love this. There is a sign that people put out in the summer. And it's drive islandly, like drive in a way that it's basically a sign to tell tourists to not drive like you're driving down the interstate. And instead drive very carefully.
Like, there's deer all over the island. There's also like cats and kids. And so whatever someone, whenever I'm driving with somewhere, I'm like, oh, am I driving islandly right now? But there is also a constant argument about the way that we load the ferry. And like, oh, did this person observe the norms about how we load the ferry? Because it's like very complicated, this threading mechanism. And if you're not from here, you might not know.
And what do you do? If there is someone who doesn't know and then do cut in front of them because they're just like not paying attention. So the next door is all about that. And like, how fast people are going, whether or not cats should be let outside, just as a general rule. That's sort of thing. I would be addicted to that next door situation. I would love to read that. Like ultimately, ultimately, yeah, things that are like ultimately somewhat
trivial, right? Like, yeah, are you going to be the next person in line on the ferry? There also was just huge, huge argument last year. This person has since moved off the island about whether you should be the deer. The answer is no. You should not be the deer. But the answer is no. I didn't live on an island. I knew that. I should never feed the deer. But how do you defend that position? This person had a strong opinion about trivial
shit. Yes. Yeah. So tell me more. I want to hear about, I love Okaphtan, my captain. But specifically, I want to hear about the common queer to see letters. Did I say that? Did I pronounce it the way that you would like to see? Yeah. Like courtesy, but queer to see. Yeah, common queer to see. So that's a recurring column that I just started that has been kind of popping off with the people who already are reading the newsletter. People like this.
And I am pretty sure it's just because we would all like to think that we are high-minded and we never really gossip. And we are, you know, I would not like to think that actually I gossip all the time. However, we would like to think that we're not as nosy as we are, but we're all super nosy. I think that's why things like deer and like the Anlanders column and deer Abby had deer mismanners went off for so long. But we'd love to read about
other people's problems and etiquette encompasses so many things. And I realized there wasn't a queer specific etiquette column that like helps you deal with situations that might only come up if you were deeply ensconced in the queer community. Give me an example of one that you are grappling with right now. Okay. There, I'm trying to think one that the first one that came to mind is really dirty. Okay. Somebody recently wrote in, it's a
short question, I'll quick read it. It says, what is a polite way to let someone know that you want to invite them to something without them automatically inviting their polycule to come to? My friend doesn't seem to get that sometimes it's cool to bring extra people and sometimes it makes things awkward for the person hosting if they're cooking or hosting at home or only one of their close friends to come. Yeah, that's great. What are you going to say? What are you going to say?
Well, I mean, first of all, I would just tell people to subscribe to your newsletter and subscribe. I mean, I answered that one and I first spent a couple of seconds going off about like how nobody likes it if you just assume that your one partner is going to come and now we've moved to this new territory of assuming your polycule is invited. Now that is a big assumption. Like how big is it? I know someone in my real life who has
16 people for real in their polycule. How could you just assume that those people are all invited? That's like, oh, is my grandma invited too? You know, extended your extended group of connections. I think that's a great way to get to a lot of the questions that we're going to be dealing with in this episode are about like assuming someone's intention instead of just doing the very straightforward work of being like, can I bring, is it
okay to bring someone even just one person, right? Just send them. And if you can, then they're going to be like, yeah, of course. And otherwise, you might have an opportunity to have a nice little conversation about, oh, I wanted to have some more intimate time with you, right? Yes. Like, is there anything wrong with having a direct yet polite conversation? What if we just said what we look at? That's not very much Western of you. It's true. But you can do it politely. You can softly direct.
All right. So I should set us up for this episode a little bit. Usually we have like a theme of questions about a topic and we have all of these listener questions. And we talk about that one thing. So whether that's like Jennifer Lopez or whatever, right? Today we're taking a bunch of disparate questions that have come in just from like listeners who have just opinions about things. They're like, what if we talk about this? And I think they
wanted us to talk about this thing for an entire episode. And we're compromising and talking about it as part of this larger episode, which is about strong opinions about somewhat trivial shit. So some of them are pet peeze. Some of them are like, why does this exist? And then we have to ask an anything segment where we're going to take advantage of your etiquette chops and have you answer a couple more questions that are just kind of advice based.
So are we ready? Yes. I'm here for this. Okay. Unsurprisingly, when we put out the call for strong opinions on trivial shit, we got a lot of submissions about grammar and word choices. We picked one that I think will lead us to the most fun discussion. So this is from Annie. Something that I've been noticing, even though it's seemingly minor, it really greats on me is the overuse of trendy, self-serious words. Instead of words like shoes or chose,
for example, something for a shelf, it's curated. Instead of the process or an effort that you might go through, it's a journey. And instead of a time of life, an age or some event like, you know, your high school years, it's a season. Seems overly dramatic. And it also seems like maybe it puts a lot of pressure on people. I'm wondering if this trend toward self-serious language has evolved with the increasing importance of self-image
and social media. I'm looking forward to your answer. I love this question because... I think it's a whole bunch of things. Like, number one, yes, I think the answer to your question is, I think it's yes, that people's increasing importance to their own self-image on social media might be the driver behind this. However, I really think it can be fun to announce something as like a season or an era. Because even though, yeah, that's a
little self-serious. I think it kind of lets people... you're alerting others that you are doing this thing. You're not ashamed of it. You're broadcasting it. And maybe in a way, you're also kind of taking control of it. You're possibly even reassuring yourself and others being like, oh, this is just a season. I'm just in a season. I'm not... this isn't life from now on. Like, when I cut off all my hair, I used to have really long hair. I went into the hairdresser
and I showed her a picture of Carol Erad from the movie Carol. And I said, do this, I want this hair. This is the hair. And so I've been yelling that I'm in my Carol era for so long. You are in your Carol era. It looks great. Thank you. So... But I know that it's just... it's just for the time being. At some point, I will be out of my Carol era. Yeah. And that Carol era, by the way, does not include being slightly predatory
towards someone who is very, very young. It's an aesthetic. It's an aesthetic. I also think that some of these words like that, like, era, season, curate, journey, I think that these words come from a little bit of corporate jargon, like creeping into our lives. Yeah. I mean, I think that we've never had as much of an opportunity to self-narrativeize
in the past, right? Like, yeah. Not only are we talking about ourselves in Instagram captions, constantly, if you are a person who does that, but you're also talking about it in therapy. If you're in therapy, you're talking about it in a subset. If you have a subset. And people have journaled for a very long time and people have gone to therapy. All of these things are very, like, this is not absolutely new. It's more that there are so many different opportunities to do it.
And also, once you start doing it, if it becomes a source of pleasure or a source of income, you have to do more of it. So I understand the compulsion to come up with this language that allows us to talk about what we're going through in ways that aren't just like, I'm 40, right? Like, it's a little bit more specific than just the age. And so some of this, I think, too, is like a disarticulation between age and feel. So like, people who are like, I'm in my slut era,
right? It's like, some people go through their slut era or never go through, but some people go through it like in their early 20s. And then some people go through it at very different ages. And so it's a way of like claiming that thing that might usually for some people be positioned at a certain time and putting it into another time. The other thing I'll say is that seasons don't necessarily end or start when we think that they're going to end or start, but they do end,
right? And so using that particular word is a good way of talking about the fact that like, you know it will end. As you said, with your carol era, it's a way of saying that like, this is not me for the rest of my life, but this is something that I am negotiating. And also, I like it. And I can find some things that I like about it in this period. So yeah, that's my thoughts. Yeah. I really like those thoughts. All right. Next question. I don't even know how to
see this up. This is from Emily and Melody is going to read it. Where did those gnomes come from all of a sudden? It seems like out of nowhere, these gnomes were everywhere. And every woman over the age of 40 was obsessed with them. Okay, rude over the age of 40. Maybe we're in our gnome journey. It's my gnome era. I had a gnome that came with this house. It is old and like all the paint is chipping off. And so I don't think that it's like a new thing.
There's also there. There is a couple on the island that is over 90 and they have gnomes. They're like two gnomes and they're like hugging. It's like cute elderly gnomes that are, I mean, all gnomes, I guess, are kind of elderly. It's a pro, like I like it. It's cute. But apparently there is the new, like this is a new phenomenon. Have you noticed this? Yes. Yes. Okay. So first off, I want to say that I have no feelings toward older gnomes.
Gnomes that perhaps came with one's house. Gnomes that are cute. They've been around for since we were children. They've been around a lot longer than that. There is an illustrated book called Gnomes that I'm obsessed with from the 70s, I think. It's very weird.
Those gnomes find, I think this person is asking about a very specific type of gnome, which is the gnome that has the hat, the pointy hat that covers the eyes has a bulbous nose and can then be customized to all of a sudden, apparently, any season. Yes. I think this is the gnome that this person is talking about because these are the gnomes that I hate. And I want to start this by saying four years ago, I was in a minards,
which is like the Home Depot of the Midwest. I love minards. Yeah. Got it at my heart. Oh, there you go. Exactly. And I saw this inflatable Santa, and it was a gnome. I had never seen it before. I had never encountered the gnome with the hat over its eyes and the nose and a big flapping white beard. And I screamed and I bought it on site. And now I have an inflatable Christmas gnome. It used to be that the gnomes were only kind of Christmassy. And fast forward four years,
you cannot walk into a target. You can't be in a TJ Maxx without seeing a gnome for any season. There's Easter gnomes, there's Valentine's Day gnomes. There are, I saw a pride gnome and it nearly ended. No, no. So that's what that's that's the gnome, I think. I, you know, I think this is connected to the larger idea that like you should be
decorating for every season and consuming things, cheap things, right? Like, things that do not last necessarily, but that like the performance of domesticity is in part this outward expression of like holiday and seasonal celebration. And again, not new, but there are so many more ways that you can express your seasonal celebration. I will say that we have someone listening into this podcast right now who does not have a gnome,
but she does have a porch goose with many different outfits. Melody. Oh, I love the porch goose. Oh my god. I did not consent to be in Alice like this. Whatever, you outed yourselves in the comments. We did a thread about things that were not buying. And Melody was like, I'm not buying the eight outfits that are that I've chosen for my porch goose. And then you bought them anyway. Everybody talked me into it. I was in my fault. Melody, I love the porch goose.
Thank you. I do. I do. I think the porch geese are funnier than gnomes. Same. I mean, obviously, I agree. Yeah. I think the gnomes are like very cheap to produce and they're easy to like paint for any season and they're all exactly the same except for the color. Someone on Reddit was blaming cottage core for this, which I don't think is quite fair. But I think that's part of it. I think that you know, Melody did some nice research and it found that the first gnomes were popularized
in like the early 19th century in Germany and they were like three feet tall. Oh. And can you, I think I think you're going to go gnome, go three feet tall. All right. Next question. This is another why is this a thank question and it comes from Tracy. Where did the mullet haircut originate and why does it continue to be popular? To answer Tracy's first question about the origins of the mullet.
Melody did some research and mullets were definitely described in the alien. So it's always kind of been around and you know, the mullet actually makes total sense because you know, you need to not have your hair in your face. So you cut like these bangs to not have that in your face. But then you let the rest just have a party in the back, you know. And a ponytail would get in the way of your helmet.
So you don't, you know, you just need to have it flowing behind. When we were planning this episode, you said that three quarters of the queers in Minneapolis have a version of this haircut and you linked to a picture of Frodo Baggins. So, Krista, please explain. Yeah. I jokingly call it the Frodo Baggins special. And like once you, once you, if you google right now a picture of Frodo Baggins, you will see the exact hair. Yeah. It is like this kind of
wavy kind of curly. It's a shag. It's a shag. It's also, I think sometimes known as a wolf cut. Was anything a couple years ago? Yeah. Yeah. Everyone has this. Not, I mean, others a few that don't, but who we, um, sometimes I will meet like two or three people in a row and be like, if I turned around and faced you again, I couldn't, I couldn't tell you apart. What's your strong opinion on the mullet? You know what? I want to say this. Although this hairstyle
is very popular, I like it. I think I do. I think it's popular because people look sexy with it. I love the mullet. I also think that if you have a pronounced one, it, it's something arresting to look at visually. And I love that. I like, I had in college, I had a professor who had a really severe bowl cut like Vidal Sesun style. But then in the back was this cascading mullet. It went down, passed her ass. And she did something different with it every day. She would braid it. She would
put beads in it. Sometimes she would curl it. Sometimes she would unkink the braid and just let it be hanging like a ponytail. I remember nothing from this class. There is no memory of this class that's and I think if, if it's 20 years later, I'm still talking about it. I think that if you have a hairstyle that can command that amount of attention, I want to see it. Please wear a hair. Her hair was her glory. I think, I think about how much that lady loved her hair. If you love your hair,
like lean into it. And I do think that mullets are practical in terms of low maintenance. Paul Muscow has a really hot mullet. But maybe that's just because he's really hot. I love him. He's from normal people. It's just an amazing, amazing accident. Oh, that's, that's a nice mullet. There was a great piece in British GQ interviewing women anonymously about their feelings about the mullet. All these women are like, I like it, but I would never say it publicly. I'm like,
that's, I'm fine saying it publicly. Yeah. But also that it seems to add a little bit of youth to the person like, or maybe playfulness or boyishness. So I think that that might be part of like the kids these days, right? Is like, can you believe that someone has a mullet if they're 40, right? Melody Chimes in that she only loves it on Major League Baseball players. I mean, it's a kind of, it's similar to hockey hair, right? Like the similar kind of mullet
situation. Well, like the way it flows out of the back of a cap is just really nice. It's playful. It's out of control. It can't be contained. You know, I love it. It also reminds me of the haircuts that, you know, we're popular when I was in elementary school. And those are coming back for kids too. So there's a kid at my friend's kid's school who has like the ridges, you know, like cut into over his ears and then a little bit of a mullet. Yeah, steps and then a little bit of
a mullet and an earring. This kid, he's great. I love him. All right. Okay. That's our strong opinion. Okay. Next question is from Jenae. Why are iPhone users so aggressively anti-android or anti-green bubble? And where did this animosity come from? I get by Apple doesn't incentivize cross-platform agnosticism, but I've had film members and friends get mad at me for not owning an iPhone and have another Android using friends at the same experience. I'm very curious about the
class and cultural implications affiliated with aggressive iPhone superiority. Okay. So I know a lot about this because my brother has an Android and then also my stepdad, like thinks Apple is just ridiculous and also has an Android. So there's lots of conversations on the difficulties of our group chat because of this and like for a while we've tried WhatsApp, but like no one wants to,
you know, use another app especially, not me. But my brother has also pointed out and this is ongoing as we are recording right now that their green bubble shaming has been invoked perhaps successfully in the current litigation against Apple for essentially like monopoly activity. So it's a way that Apple, and there's recordings of this, there's like documentation that Apple
has said like this is a way essentially to make people want to come over to our platform. And they have, until, you know, they are being forced now to move over to using this type of technology that will make it more universal instead of using iMessage. This is going to happen supposedly sometime in 2024. But before that they were using iMessage specifically, they said because when
people saw the blue bubble, they would know that it was encrypted. But really it was a way of trying to compile people to get iPhones so that in the group chat or when they send messages to other people who have iPhones, that there would be the same sort of like image fidelity, right? Because right now if you send it between systems, the images are much crappier. And then also just like the whole, the shaming of some people who don't have iPhones and I can't participate in the
same way. So, Krista, what are your thoughts? The sooner they fix the talking between the two systems, the better I cannot wait. Do you, are you green bubble or blue bubble? I'm blue bubble, I have an iPhone. And I also have several friends and a father-in-law who is so staunchly green bubble that there are no discussions of civility can be had. Oh no, same with my brother. It is so heated because it's really interesting thing. And I think it's
because they're like, well your stupid operating system is the one that's excluding me. Like why do I have to get on board with the way that you know your expensive phones in order to have conversation with you? So I do get it. I think that's so stupid. Like I do think that we should all have the same
phone stuff. Like that's very technical. I definitely know about IT things. But I also understand that like it's slightly frustrating in a time where we find minor things more irritating than they are because we're constantly on our phones. It is frustrating to know that the picture I sent to an Android user. It looks terrible. It's super pixelated. It's tiny. If I send you a video, there's no point in watching it. If I like unthinkingly heart or like something that you said,
you're going to get a whole ass text about it. And I'm sorry. And also I just want to be able to FaceTime you. Like if we're friends and I want to FaceTime you and be like, look, look at this thing. Are you kidding me? And so it bugs me that I can't do that. However, I think it's so dumb to bully someone over this. And we can all we can all be fine. Yeah. I mean, I think this is also a larger conversation about capitalism in some ways, right? Because if you love unfettered capitalism,
then Apple's doing a great job, right? Like they are trying to force people to get on their operating system by offering an exclusionary product. With that said, I don't think unregulated capitalism is awesome. And I think, you know, this, you know, the EU is doing a lot of different regulatory work that is having trickle down effects in the United States in terms of like they have recently mandated that like all of the plugs have to be the same, right? So you can't like keep making
a new iPhone and being like, Oh, now you need to buy all new plugs. And instead insisting on a system that you know, might not make as much money, but does increase user usability. And I think that that is great. And really, that's where we're at the bottom of the conversation. Also, I think that getting the little notification that like, Christa has liked your comment. Christa loves your comment. Like that is incredibly annoying. And it's been worked, it's worked
effectively. So that's part of why we have such big feelings about this. Yes. Okay. Gosh, we're just we're sailing through. Our next question is about something that I think about constantly, especially when I travel. This is from Sarah. Why do we board planes in such a stupid way? It's all over the plate. And I think that makes it take longer than it needs to. It just seems so inefficient and harder than it has to be. Okay, should we rant about this first?
Yes. How hard it is. I think we should rant. Yeah. People just take all different amounts of time. People don't listen to the rules. People take suitcases that are too big because they're trying to avoid checking them and then it takes forever. And then if they're at the back of the plane and the somehow the piece of luggage has to go to the front to get checked, like that is a whole freaking nightmare. But again, I think the airlines do this to themselves. This is not most of the
time this is not a user problem. It is a user problem, though, too, because like, okay, number one, airlines are doing this to themselves. Number two, people are not following the rules that are set up. Like the rules are stupid. Yes. However, people are being rude and they are jumping the line. They are trying to sneak in after like the status card, platinum, silver badge, whatever. They are claiming that like they have young kids. Those kids aren't young. Like, you know, like,
they're cheating. And I feel like the airport and planes are where like, while, while West behavior just comes out, people feel free to be some of the worst versions of themselves on planes. They're surrounded by strangers that they think they'll never see again. But just kidding, we're all trapped on a plane for four hours together. And we all know it was you. And like, you farted. I heard it. Everyone thinks it was me and I didn't do it. To be fair, you can't control
farting on an airplane. Coffee, not into a mouth, not wearing a mask, like being rude to and to the flight attendant, all those things are very controllable. Yeah. And okay, one more rant about this. Yes. When we are deep planning, I know this question is about boarding, but deep planning, the people who stand. Okay, if you have a medical condition, if it's painful for you to sit, I get it. Stand up. You know what to everybody else? I see you. You're in big trouble with
me. It's almost always men. And I am furious. This is due like the way that men monopolize the elbow space when you're sitting in a row. Yes. What do you think you're doing? You think I'm going to move my arm? You think I am? I'm not. You can be uncomfortable. We're going to touch for four hours. I do not give a shit. And I don't want to touch anybody. I am more mad about them trying to do that than I am about being touched by a strange man. I don't care.
If you're going to like spread your legs on the plane too, like we're going to touch, our legs are going to touch. You know, there's a theory that the way that the airlines have made travel such an unenjoyable experience in order to maximize profit, that that has bearing on our behavior. Right? Like we're so pissed off about how what a horrible experience air travel is, that we subconsciously or consciously take it out in the way that we board the way that we behave.
Like, and none of that I think is excusable. Like I'm not excusing that, excusing and explaining our two different things. So I do think like maybe we're such assholes about everything. Like maybe people are cutting in line. In part because you feel like you have to cheat in order to make up for the fact that like you're spending a ridiculous amount of money to do something that should like uh, you're, you've spent luxury dollars on something that is not a luxury experience.
I've never heard that in the theory before, but it that seems correct. I feel like what we can all use is like some PSA basic instructions at the airport about how we would think of others. You know, I mean nobody would fan attention to them, but just like we need basic kindergarten lessons. We're like an announcement. I know I've seen some flight attendants do something similar that's like the flight attendant is not responsible for your flight delay, right? Like this
is not who you take it out on. But going back to our original question about boarding, I have read many things over the years that are trying to solve this question, right? So there's like the Southwest style that's essentially a cattle call. No thank you never. Like being on a camp bus. Nightmare. Yes. Also, they've already introduced tears. And so come on, that doesn't work anymore.
And the idea that you should load from the back of the plane is not wholly substantiated because of the ways that like there's all these like clusters of people and like so like a family boards together. Basically, they have done many different statistical modelings and they are stymied by human behavior by people boarding out of their group by the fact that people sometimes
travel in groups, right? So you can't just board from the windows in. And then also by the fact that the way that airlines try to incentivize frequent flying and also make so much money off of selling frequent flyer tickets to banks is by having this tiered status. So that like screws everything up. So basically there is a way to make it somewhat more sophisticated.
Melody found a great article that we'll put in the show notes from Scientific American about how there's a method that if you do windows in while accounting for some they call them clicks like people who are traveling as families essentially that that is better. But I don't think that it's going to work. I think that we are just doomed to take a long time to board planes. And my advice here, my strong opinion is that sometimes it's okay to wait and we've gotten really
bad at waiting. So look I'm flipping the question that maybe it's okay to wait a while to get on to planes. I love that. I have literally never thought of that. And also I have sat in a plane seat after a very bad boarding experience that just was ridiculous and tried myself to with a napkin try to think how we could be like make boarding better and I couldn't do it. So I do
get that it's a problem like because there's too many variables. I think maybe you're right. Maybe we just have to be like you know what it's going to take a while and everybody just be very sad. Yep. Yep. You know some people just if you're not if you're not putting a bag in the overhead container, why not be last on the plane? Who cares? Yeah. Like there's no reason why do you want to be on the plane already? I do think that needing to store your overhead bag and not wanting to check
the the root of many problems in terms of wanting to board earlier. Solid agree. I don't remember this when I was much younger when before bringing an overhead bag cost money or yeah. I don't remember there being this level of animosity towards boarding and I think that's the that's what's behind it. Okay. So this next question we thought about saving for our episode on TikTok trends but I thought that you would be the perfect person to ask for this specific one. This comes from
Jacqueline. What's going on on lesbian TikTok? There's lesbian social media famous couples performing the relationships for viewers. Late in life lesbians claiming the algorithm new they were gay before they did. Hey mama's posting thirst traps of them lip syncing and dancing seductively. It's a lot. I need someone to break this all down for me through a culture studies lens. Thank you. Okay. So first for people who aren't on TikTok or who don't have the lesbian algorithm on TikTok.
Can you explain a few of these references? Like what are hey mama's? Okay. Hey mama's are like somebody looking directly at the camera and like jutting their chin forward a little bit and being like hey mama have you ever like thought about like dividing the household chores equally or you know or you know like or not even like domestically related just hey mama I'm going to look at you in a sexualish kind of way and then like say something to you. It's like hitting on you
but you are a person behind a screen instead of someone in real life. Is it addressed to people who think they're straight? It has to be. Okay so I think when you say hey mama videos I think of them as thirst traps which is income is says like a huge you know what can we can we take down this entire question one by one. Yeah yeah I don't tell you what I think. Okay yeah okay let's do it.
Okay so the question is like social media famous couples performing the relationship. Okay in general what's going on with lesbian TikTok is first of all it's it's it's not as visible as maybe you think it is depending on your algorithm it's more noticeable because there are there are straight couples performing their relationships constantly. It's just that this is a this is a subculture that you're seeing and so it seems noticeable to you even though everybody else is
performing their relationship. Like not everybody but you know those couples. Okay so those couples that being said the couples that are openly like doing that make me cringe just as hard as the as the straight couples that are doing that like it feels very weird it feels very cringey I don't know like I the comments from people who are very invested in these couples hmm seem odd to me. Why are you so invested in the status of this couple? What is your interest
level? Why do you care as much? Like is it that we don't have an example of a real life role model couple that you think of? Yeah yeah so there's the performing the relationships one. Um the next one like the latent life lesbians claiming the algorithm knew they were gay. Um that I believe. You say more about people who don't understand how that algorithm can like tell
you things that you didn't realize you were interested in how does that work? You are yeah okay so the algorithm the Instagram algorithm the TikTok algorithm the algorithm knew that I had ADHD years before I was diagnosed years and was constantly sending me funny videos jokes practical tips for dealing with ADHD and I was always like why am I getting these? I'll tell you why. Well in some part of it is like like my algorithm will give me lots of like horse,
chewing, basically like a guy who I get that guy. I love that. I love it right? Me too. But I get a lot of it because the algorithm knows that I watch it right so even if I would never list like if TikTok said to me what are your top three interests right I wouldn't list like hoof cleaning but it knows because it actually like the algorithm tells the truth in terms of what
you actually watch. Yes it knows how you're captivated like yes it knows maybe you identify a straight but maybe there is a lesbian who lives in the woods and has a flannel cut off shirt big muscles and you like to watch her chop wood and you would watch her chop wood any time she
popped up on your algorithm and so the algorithm senses that you love to watch this and then like you know what here's three videos of the axe chopping lesbian here's another one from someone who is slightly different but similar eventually your whole feed is lesbian TikTok all it takes is
just you engaging with like a video several times or liking it or saving it and I do want to say that if you are getting an enormous amount of lesbian TikTok I invite you to sit with that listen this is a callback to like journey I invite you to sit with that because I say that sometimes
to people are like what what do people say that I don't like be that it's a great way of just saying just think about it just give it a thought it worked on my sister so I think that we got a lot of these right hey mom is lipstick in a dancing seductively I mean like part of this is that
there just hasn't been a ton of that gaze available for public consumption right yes gaze as in G A Z yeah I do specifically want to say that hey mama slash thirst trap videos um and this is coming from someone who is a certified hater with a capital H on things like that are cringey and cringey
can be fun but cringey can also make you break out in like goose bumps of embarrassment like when I see a hey mom a video and someone is like licking their lips and rubbing their hands together and being like hey mama and I want to expire I cannot handle it I have a blanket on my couch called
the shame blanket I just have to I have to put it over my head it's like when I watch the bachelor and I am screaming because something unbelievable is happening and it's so embarrassing and it's like someone has never heard about feminism for in their entire life and I am just covered
with the shame blanket and that's how I feel about hey mama videos and they are very um is it that it's too sexy okay it's like mmmm sometimes they aren't like the people who make hey mama videos are sometimes very cute objectively cute yeah anyone would think so but number one this
sort of thing never happens in real life this has yeah yeah and number two it's just I I feel like this is the person if someone did do this to you and realize you would want to run in the other direction this is yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you'd be like so gross yeah yeah and also the comments
on those types of videos are so thirsty that like go ahead thirst yes this person is hot all right I there's a lesbian on tiktok who dresses up like a priest I will watch those videos until my eyes bleed okay I get it but holy shit all right let's do our last question it's something I can think
of both of us can offer some insight on for different reasons here's Katie it seems like everyone at work now refers to the person with whom they are in a romantic relationship as their partner I am married and I've always referred to my husband as my husband at work but for some reason
using a term that also announces that I'm married feels that dated we only got married for visa purposes and I'm worried that I should be using a more gender neutral term to be inclusive referring to my spouse feels old fashioned for some reason can I call him my partner even though we're married
or did I miss an update and his partner now a catch all phrase that includes spouses or is that a misuse of the term okay you're married what do you call the person you're married to it really depends I so I'm married to a trans guy and he's completely out and he's completely fine with me
saying that he's trans and when we meet new people that we don't know if I am in like a business setting or somewhere where I don't know the makeup of the group at all I will refer to him as my husband if I am in a setting in full of queers or meeting new queers I will frequently just
say partner because I'm I want to like and later yeah we're married like later it's like I want to signal to queer people that this is a we're gay married yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you're not my husband he is my husband but we are gay married yeah yeah and I think you know
but it's so complicated because sometimes like they're remember when like the whole fights about legalizing gay marriage that people were like I'm fine with gay people getting married but like there should be a different name for it but it was like in a bad way right like in his second class
citizens sort of way they're like marriage is for straight people but I like you know the person is asking is there like is there a more gender inclusive name word that I should be using I think like people decide what feels right for them in lots of different ways right and I think that like
if husband has always felt right to you or being called wife if it doesn't have baggage for you then that makes sense um I see a lot of people use spouse and sometimes I think it's because the person they're married to is is non-binary and sometimes it's not and maybe they don't like
how husband sounds I'm not married and like same boyfriend to describe a tenure relationship where we own a house right and like two dogs like that's that's also insufficient um and sometimes both of us in shorthand will use husband or wife just to like communicate
who we're talking about because it depending on the context still I find some people are like oh you mean your business partner which is weird yes the firm the firm of our house I'm like but I really like when I was in academia I think it's much more common to use partner to
describe who you're married to and I think some of that started as a way to like just as a catchal like just talking about partner instead of um whatever other phrase you could use what do you have a strong opinion on other people using the word partner I do and I don't like I do in that
okay it's not it's not super strong I want to preface that with this I just I wish that it's and it's purely because I am lazy this is laziness speaking I would love it if partner was queer exclusive because then I can know immediately it like if I'm dealing with someone who's like
talking about a queer relationship but that's just laziness in practical life in reality do whatever you want do whatever you make feel it makes you feel comfortable like I love that partner is very ungendered and it can mean a whole range of things just like queer can mean a whole range of
things partner is another word that can mean whatever you want it to mean and it is more serious it sounds like to me and to my ears than boyfriend or you know yeah it sounds partner this is my partner and so yeah and also like descriptive right like this is the person that I partner with to do life
right yeah exactly so no I think the question writer is right on target with um you can you can do it you can do whatever you want yeah and also don't feel though that like somehow using husband means that like you're not attentive to I don't like you're not being exclusionary by using the
word husband all right so it kind of feels like this whole episode has been like a version of what we usually call the ask and anything let's ask us anything but we're going to do a segment now with a couple of questions specifically seeking advice and they're both related to etiquette one at work and one with parents so listeners if you want to hear advice on how colleagues behave on teams and how to deal with older generations' diet culture references head over to culturecitypod.substac.com
and become a paid subscriber. Chris this has been an absolute delight where can people find you if they want to hear more from you you can find me on substac I write a subset called ocafden my captain it's the o is just like an o and captain's with a c you can also find me it's the exact same Instagram handle if you want to follow me there I am those are the only two platforms I'm active on great same love to be yeah you're on the two the two platform activation with you um all right thank you
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