Erotomania: Stalking for Love

day differently, or maybe not even at all. I grew up in a house where Valentine's Day was like a family holiday. It didn't have the baggage of like a romantic partner has to demonstrate their love to you, like so much pressure. Right, Our parents would get us gifts like, you know, a little RB or something when I was a kid in like a little box of chocolates that

was our own. But so I always grew up thinking about it as the day when you tell like all the people in your life you love them, which has served me very well, actually, I'm sure that it has. Like shouldn't shouldn't the day be that. Really, I'm kind of with you on those. Even with my husband who have been in the one time, we've never made a big to do about Valentine's Day. Well, maybe go out to dinner, but it's just not that loaded weird holiday it can become for some people you must have red

roses or you're going to get worse. Right, So, for a lot of people, Valentine's Day is celebrated that way with flowers and chocolate and these other special and often expected items that are gifted to significant others, and it is generally, in the best sense, considered a day where you celebrate the person you love. So I always think it's interesting because, like around Valentine's Day, like romantic comedies come out, and it would be fun to look at love.

But when you boil down the stories of what a romantic comedy often is, they don't always help how we see stocking behaviors. Instead, they kind of create an image of romance that shapes our perceptions and our expectations of what love ought to be. Right, a lot of them have that grand gesture that is supposed to be demonstrative and in fact is often like not cool. We like it in the movie, but if it happened to us

in real life, we'd be terrified. Right, Like Meg Ryan's character Annie and Sleepless in Seattle is a good example. She behaves in a way that isn't really necessarily so much what you might call love struck and charming, but rather creepy. I know a lot of people that will argue that this is a great romantic story, but if you pause and think about it for a minute, this is a character who, after hearing a man on the radio, decides that she is madly in love with him, flies

across the country, and then spies on him and his child. Right. It's a completely new version of the movie, although it's exactly the same version of the movie. If it had been pitched that way, it would have been a whole different thing, though I know they would have been like, I don't think we want to deepen. There's also the movie While You Were Sleeping. Sandra Bullocks character Lucy. In the movie, she pretends to be the fiance of a man that she has never even spoken to. She makes

really good friends with his family. They know her really well. They can't wait for her to become a part of it and that she marries his brother at the end, which to me seems like some sort of like Victorian Gothic like frishmash like some people might argue too, And I have seen people discuss this that John cus X character Lloyd Dobbler and say anything goes a little too

far with that boom Box serenade. That has often been held as like apex romantic, particularly for people I think in our age group that grew up where that hit it exactly the right time. I think so too. I think every gen X er was, you know at some point like say anything in the boom Box scene. But if you think about it now that you're like not a teenager, yeah, maybe not. But it's it's not just in the movies, so I mean, it's it's a real

life phenomenon. It's not just Meg Ryan. For instance, in the early eighties, probably one of the biggest ones that we all will know is when John Hinckley Jr. Shop President Reagan. If you didn't know, he did it to impress actress Jodie foster Um before the shooting, though, he asked Jody to give him a chance, and he wrote to her quote, Jody, I would abandon this idea of getting Reagan in a second, if I could only win your heart and live out the rest of my life

with you. Um we'll just take a pause there for a MOUs so obviously taken too far, romantic gestures could result in criminal charges, and not for stealing your loved one's heart. It is a problem if you start to pursue someone who does not want your attention, your time, or your energy, and then you keep doing it when that has been made clear to you. It is also a problem if you're using an aggressive or obsessive tactics that make the other person uncomfortable or afraid of you.

So spotting the difference between a stalker and a romantic partner. If you knew how to do that, you could save your life. Yeah, for things to be considered stalking, the contact made by the stalker has to be unwanted. We're talking about non consensual interactions, even if they're fairly benign social type interactions. Today, around half of all stalkers in the United States are former domestic partners, and up till one and four of the entire US population has experienced

being stalked. That's a huge number. Um, So to the professionals, it's stalkers with the most emotional investment who are considered one of the most dangerous types of stalker. Uh. This type of stalker is more likely to have thoughts along the lines of, you know, if I can't have you, no one else can have you either, And there are studies that back this up. The research says that stalking is associated with lethal and near lethal violence against women

and definitely rings true. As many as sevent of internet partner female murder is preceded by stalking. So that's all a little heavy, and we probably all could use just a moment of a break, So we're going to do that, and when we return, we're going to draw the line between romance and stalking because it can be a little fuzzy. Welcome back to criminalia. So now let's talk about what erotomania is. So that question we first posed, how does

one differentiate between a hopeless romantic and a stalker? We'll just start with a short answer and just go from there. The real distinction here is that love is selfless, but a stalker's let's say, affections aren't selfless, their demand ending, and those affections are based on the belief that the person who is stalking has an entitlement to the other

person's affections and in some instances, in entitlement to their lives. So, if you have been dumped, it is a really terrible feeling, and you might engage in some types of intrusive behaviors. You may plead for your partner to return. This is an abnormal It's considered a pretty normal behavior, but researchers have found that when that behavior continues for more than two weeks, it is more likely to transition to becoming abnormal,

and then it becomes hard to stop it. Yeah. In fact, they did studies where they had brain scans of those who had been recently jilted, and they found that those brains are actually more active in the areas that are associated with things like anxiety and anger, and pain and addiction and risk taking, an obsession and compulsion. So, whether it's a former partner or a complete stranger, this is where your internal quote unquote creepy meter comes into play.

There is an author by the name of Gavin Debecker who called it the gift of fear. We all have a gut feeling and our internal mechanism for detecting danger. The short version of this is like, just always trust your gut. Is something feels creepy to you, better safe and sorry. So there's this specific type of stocking that we keep mentioning but we haven't really gotten into, and it's erotomania, which is a mental health problem, and it's

a form of paranoid delusion. It's usually also linked to another mental health condition, such as schizophrenia, but it doesn't have to be. With this condition, a person has delusional and intense beliefs that another person is in love with them, and that person, interestingly, is usually someone who is of a higher social status, such as a celebrity or a politician, but fixations on random strangers and you know, acquaintances aren't

unheard of. A stock are suffering from arotomania might act perfectly normal in most parts of their life, but as this obsession and delusion grows, some stalkers begin to see hidden messages and nonverbal cues in everyday things, such as the numbers on license plates or the messages on those Valentine conversation hearts that they feel like, are you know, validating their feelings right, which they are absolutely not. But

um So. This condition also seems to be a little more common in women than in men um and it usually happens around midlife, maybe later, And while it might last for a few weeks, it could also last for years.

Stalkers with erotomania may do things like loiter in the victim's vicinity, telephone or text their victim, leave gifts, or even post information or spread rumors about the victim, either on the Internet or in some other public place, or even by word of ma else So interestingly, the statistic came up in our research about this condition, and it's not specifically about stalkers. This statistic is about the whole population.

Forty six percent of Americans admit to stalking a partner, either their current partner or an x by checking in on them online without their knowledge or consent. I think that's pretty common. I'm not actually surprised by that number, but I feel that the number is high, although I

probably would have guessed higher, right. I mean, I think it's not completely outside the realm of possibility that someone on a whim, whether it's like someone you were romantically involved with or not, but just someone that used to be in your life. You'll go, I wonder what they're up to, or maybe you even want to see, like I wonder how much their life fell apart? Right, give them a quick search on a social media network, which

I actually really personally think is okay. I think if you keep going back every day, then you have a little rights a one time check in you know what up to now pretty normal. It's kind of like it grows out of that sense that we all have of being so easily connected to information that we want. That transition to looking up someone you used to date or

you used to know pretty normal. In my book, if you feel stalked by someone in this manner or in any other type of stalking, authorities recommend being forceful and direct when confronting the person about their unwanted behavior. Don't try to let them down easy or worry about hurting their feelings. Stalkers who want your love and attention are not in the right frame of mind to really understand the idea of being let down easy. You can't leave

anything open to interpretation. Basically, so when forceful and direct communication doesn't work, or if you are super uncomfortable doing it yourself, the authorities can intervene and deliver that message for you. Welcome back to Criminalia. Now that we have talked about Valentine's Day, Holly, um, it's the least romantic

Valentine's Day show of all top very much. So I'll be at your house watching you through your window as you put together in this special drink for us, and I would invite in and give you one, but you have to wear a mask. Well I would, but I would prefer to stand outside your Okay. So I wanted to make something fun for Valentine's Day. Whether you drink it with someone that you love or just on your own or both. I'm just going to tell you right

up front, there's a lot of alcohol. It's called it Sneaks Up on You, and it is basically a twist on a Long Island iced tea. It's a little tongue in cheek and I don't mean to in any way like down play the seriousness of stalking. But I just thought for a drink that would be a fun name because it does, it tastes delicious, and then it's too late. It starts with a handful of strawberries. Muddle those strawberries

in your glass. I used to pint glass. So you know, like three or four strawberries in the bottom is great if they're medium, too large, and then you're going to pour in three quarters of an ounce of vodka, or if you're me, just bumped that one up to announce because of vodka favorite, just pour it. No, don't pour with a bandit. Yeah, I'm sorry, don't follow my instructions. Three quarters of an ounce of rum, three quarters of an ounce of tequila, three quarters of an ounce of gin.

I only use a half ounce of triple sec and then an ounce of rose syrup, which is really the magic trick here. I love when you put rose in the but you are definitely not lying when you call this a twist on the Long Island. It's basically the recipe for a long Island until you get to the rose syrup. I also add a few drops of bidders. Floral bidders are great for a drink like this. I have one that actually has rose as the primary note in it. And then after you muddle the strawberry is

good to throw ice in. But if you've forgotten until now, throw the ice in now, and then you just top it with either a lemon lime soda or a ginger ale. And then I just sliced a couple of additional strawberries and put them on the rim as a garnish to make it very pretty. It's so pretty. It tastes like roses, and you can't taste any of all of those ounces of alcohom which is amazing. Like it's a It's a beautiful little drink. It's a very pretty color, and it'll

get you something. Don't like to use um white rum and silver tequila in their long islands. I am not picky about that. I had a gold tequila and my rum was actually a colored drum. It came out a beautiful rose gold color. It looks so don't worry about the rum color. It comes out looking great. Yeah. So this might be my favorite drink I've ever. I think I've said that a few times before, but I firmly say this one for the moment at least wins until

I come up with something better. Does this displace the white toad drink? To me, it's a better drink than the white Toad. I will continue to probably favor the white Toad because it's easy to make and I can just churn those out and have that the limits a lovely this there's a lot more work, You've got more pull, there's muddling guy ling exactly. You might not have fresh strawberries on hand all the time, but I think it's

a winner. So whether that is your Valentine stay drink or just something you want to try any old day of the year, it sneaks up on you as well every other episode, right, this might be a good time to let people know this is a shorter season than Poisoner since it is creepier, not not as long. We'll move on to a whole other crime to different creepy. Thank you so much. We hope you have enjoyed this

bonus episode for Valentine's Day. Uh and mit us right back here on our regular publishing day of Tuesdays, and we'll have more stalker talk for you next week. Criminalia is a production of Shonda land Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shonda land Audio, please visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.