How to ruin a holiday party

I've never been invited to a energy and it's not for lack of try.

Gamsay media charge lash.

Rory. Have you ever overdone it at a holiday party? I mean too many Dixie cups of glog?

I mean I feel like I've probably overdone it at any party. It doesn't have to be holiday themed nor related. But uh, yeah, for sure, I've definitely gone a little too deep if we're talking about the sauce.

Has anyone ever made you uncomfortable, like by grabbing you under the mistletoe? No?

No, people avoid me because I've by then, I've already by then I've gone a little too big, so they avoid me.

There's just something about company Christmas parties that makes people go loco. Entire Reddit threads are dedicated to party nightmares, and today we have two stories of people who partied so had the police, and in one case, the Chinese government had to swoop in.

What oh, I already love this.

Let's get festive but safely after the break. Hello, and welcome back to crime lest the podcast that celebrates the amazing creativity of the world's dumbest criminals and sometimes serves as an arbiter for proper behavior. At company functions.

I'm Joshine and I am Rory Scofel, here to celebrate these numb skull idiots with you.

It's holiday season, Rory. Can you feel it in the air.

I do actually feel it in the year, but it's hard to interpret because holiday season starts in like late September now, so you don't There will be a time before you and I leave this earth, Josh where Christmas does become year round.

It is true. It's like Halloween starts in the middle of summer, and as soon as they put away the candy that Christmas trees come out right.

Thanksgiving is really becoming an afterthought wedged between two major money makers.

Attending any holiday parties you.

Think, I hope so, I hope I get the invite. I would hate to find out that I'm a little too much again, I'd hate to get confirmation that I am indeed too much.

Well, I'd like to consider today's stories as cautionary tales about what happens when you do overdo it at a holiday functions.

Yes, lest you.

Ruin Christmas or worse, get hr the police or possibly the Chinese government involved. So let's start with an important question that may seem a little bit random. What's your go to Taco Bell order? Great question.

Haven't been at Taco Bell in a super long time, but I think I always did the the crunchy gordita. Yeah, I think that's what I did. Yeah. Can I I know this is sidestepping where you're trying to go right now, but can I just say everything at Taco Bell, while we all know is not great for you, is very delicious. And I've always wondered why Mexican restaurants don't pick a couple things off the Taco Bell menu that are clearly not even authentically Mexican and just make the fresh version

I completely agree. Well, I asked you that because that's the scene of the crime for our first story of holiday party is gone awry.

Nice setting. Here we go.

In twenty twenty two, a woman named Alana Betiam was working as a cashier at a Taco Bell in San Pedro, California, which is near Long Beach, Okay. She'd work there less than a year, and she was invited to the location's holiday party. I mean, the first holiday party at your new workplace is an important milestone professionally. I think helps build camaraderie with your co workers during a stressful time of year and shows you can hang right.

Just want to double check. So you're talking about a holiday party at with the Taco bell crew.

Yep, that is correct.

I honest, I feel like a jerk for not even realizing that all places of employment would probably have a holiday party.

Right.

Well's fair, you might feel so corporate.

Oh it's a chain restaurant, right, Like how they're not good because it's open twenty four hours?

Right, twenty four hours? When do they have time to party? I guess holiday parties just feel so like white collar corporate. But you know what, You're right, Josh, You're right.

Well, Alana was about to find out that she indeed could not hang. Oh, so her manager, a woman named Lydia Rouiz and I'd name her because she later shows up in court documents, invites the whole staff to this party to truly live mos and encourage everyone to bring food for a pot luck buffet. You have no idea where this is going, so you're in for a real treat.

I just like that, you said, live Moss, So like man, he's applying it. He really does love tacout.

Alana believed it was a corporate approved event, seeing that they were using the actual restaurant as the venue, and she invited her sister and her sister's partner. So on December eighteenth, Lana and her guests arrive at Taco Bell. She brings guacamoli for the potluck classic. I'm assuming they had plenty of chips on hand.

You think you would assume that?

Yeah, And just side note, I don't know that I would bring Mexican food to the Taco Bell Christmas party. I might go a little bit crazy and bring I don't know, Italian.

Food, maybe a pizza. I was thinking Italian too. I'd big, I bring like a Pepperoni pizza.

So this is our scene, Alana, her sister, her sister's partner, and a big old bowl of guac rolling up to Taco Bell for a party that's about to give a whole new meaning to the current corporate slogan. Do you know what that is? No think outside the buns?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yep.

Okay, So first, this was great the suspense, Josh. The first thing they noticed is that the windows are all covered in wrapping paper, which, okay, not that weird. It's a Christmas party. Let's just wrap the whole restaurant. But when they get inside, Alana notices that the security cameras are also wrapped in wrapping papers.

Smart.

I guess that is pretty I mean, even if nothing untoward is going to happen, that's smart.

Right.

You don't want someone to get an HRVI.

You do know any big brother watching you? Not at a Christmas party? Come on?

According to court documents, yes, that's where this is going. Lydia provided the booth for the party. She sounds like a good manager. She just wants everyone to have a baja blast.

I'm team Lydia. So far, so far, so far, so good.

Right. Yeah, So Alana spends most of the party socializing with their coworkers outside the restaurant. This being California, the nights are mild, there's plenty of space in the parking lot.

Can I interrupt with a question? H yeah, of course you do. You already know how many people are at this party? And if not, what are you picturing? But maybe you do already know, I actually.

Don't know the number, and I feel like a bad journalist for not doing.

No, I don't maybe it's not even given. But for some reason, I'm finding funny. It funnier in my head because I'm picturing that it's like seven people.

Yeah, right, because how many people are working at a taco belt and given time, it's like three.

Right, I don't know what a staff would be, but I'm definitely way under and I'm even and I mean guests, I mean outsiders have been brought in.

Yeah, I'm with you. I'm picturing, yeah, you know, you got a couple, yeah, on the high side, right, because you think twenty two three shifts, they each have two or three people three shifts.

And also everyone brought one to two people. All right.

Well, I don't know the number, but I think i'm guessing it's not We're not talking hundreds of people that would be a taco bell. So she's hanging out in the parking lot. Around midnight, she decides to pop back inside see how things are going, and this is when things take a turn rory. Yes, because when she opened the door, she did not see her fellow employees giggling over the glock bowle. She saw her coworker Jonathan having

I have so many like why, yeah, literally, what you just said? If you know that's gonna be the theme of the party, do you you don't double check with everyone? Hey? You cool with this?

Just bring some bring something for the poplock roar.

Also also, so far what you've said about the sexual interaction wildly legal. Yes, no need to do this, and Taco Bell no need to So after what I'm assuming with.

Some very uncomfortable eye contact, Alana runs outside. She has quote shocked, disgusted, and outraged, according to court documents, which is ironic because that's how I felt when they took Mexican pizza off the menu.

Yeah. I used to get Mexican pizza and every single time was disappointed because I thought, I don't know. I guess I just wanted more of a pizza type vibe to it.

Yep. Well, Alana's outside, she shocked, she's disgusted. A short time later, Jonathan emerges after making sweet love to his wife and the boss and his coworker. Yeah, which made Alana think it was safe to go back inside and rescue her guacamole bul.

Oh god, Oh she cares about the guak bowl.

Yeah, I might have left it at this stage.

Hey what a Yeah, I don't think I'm sticking around. I don't think I want that back.

Yeah, exactly. Well wait till you hear our next twist rory. So what do you think she walked in on this time?

I mean, I feel like sex is still it's sex or drugs. I think it's still sex. I think just because Jonathan is tapped out doesn't mean everybody's ready to leave.

Well, Alana, when she goes back in, she spots her manager and Adriana, But now they're not having sex. They're barfing. One is bent over a trash can and the other was puking into the guacamole bowl. Okay, yeah, so they maybe got a little bit out of hand. They drank too much, the sex maybe got a little vigorous, and they got the spins. I'm not sure what happened. Ye, we're now barfing.

Well, Jonathan needed some are too, he understood what was going on.

Luckily, Alanna's able to de escalate the situation, probably by running away, which is what I would have done. Yeah, and honestly probably what I would have done the first time I walked in and realized my company party was a weird orgy.

Yeah, I if I walked in and saw it was a weird orgy, I think I'm probably grabbing the guac bul right then, you know what I mean, Like, let's get the guak bul home safe.

And your sister and her partner like, so are Yeah?

Where were they? Were? They just in there like y'all have weird parties. Your company's crazy?

I mean the sister's partner. Yeah, I must have been like.

Uh, what is what we wish?

You?

And Mary christ It just constantly trying to get caroling going while the sex is happening.

So you may be wondering at this point, Josh, this story is gross and uncomfortable, but the show is called crimeless, and I'm still not sure any crimes have been committed.

Yeah, I don't think so. Well, I don't know on company grounds, but I don't know.

Hang in there, buddy, because two days after the party, Alana files a complaint with the HR department. I can only imagine the HR manager's reaction when this email comes in. Yeah, and tako about corporate Yeah, I wonder what happened at the San Pedro party.

Oh well, let's just check the cameras. Well, there's them wrapping them, so we can't see anything, all right, Okay, so that's sign one something happened.

Probably just someone getting a little handsy. Let's see, oh dear.

Yeah, yeah, well I guess they wouldn't have any footage, right, they would have their own idea.

It's all hearsay.

Yeah, it's all hearsay.

So an investigation into the incident was launched. Lydia, Adriana, and Jonathan were all subsequently fired, which feels I think appropriate. But on December twenty second, Alana starts getting threats from her coworkers. One text reads you've been running your mouth for the longest, so run them hands, bitch, which I don't totally understand. If I'm being honest, but it's a little menacing.

So run them hands. Huh.

It's a mystery.

I don't know. I don't know what that means.

Another coworker called her names like a hoe and a slut, which feels ironic.

She was not, actually, there's a little bit of hypocrisy in there.

Exactly, and threatened her family members. Someone even smashed her car window in Okay. So, okay, now we have crimes yep against property. I believe these are threats. Alana files a police report about the broken window, reports the threats to Taco Bell management, but instead of punishing the employees who have been threatening her, they transferred her to a new location.

Oh very Catholic church of them got it so.

On Christmas Eve twenty twenty two, Alana, who just wanted her new coworkers to like her guacamole, quit her job, citing significant stress and anxiety from a hostile work environment. About a year later, she filed a wrongful termination lawsuit against the company that owned that location. In her complaint, she alleged that she has suffered actual, consequential and incidental financial losses and that her quote constructive termination violated anti

Of yes, I like this, I like what. I like the justice that's being sought after.

But Taco about corporate issues a particularly mild statement about this. It said, while we don't own or manage this location, the franchisee who owns and operates the restaurant has shared that they take these claims very seriously, so lawyered.

Huh.

After a few years in the court system, the case is dismissed at Alana's request. My guess is she just ready to move on with her life, Yeah, because these things can take a long time in court. Or maybe by then she'd reconsider her views on party threesomes.

Yeah, and now she's like, you know what, why didn't I jump in?

Yeah? Once?

Why didn't I see what's going on closer?

I'm also happy to report that, at least according to a Google review posted six months ago, that lady of the manager's back managing at that Taco bell Yes.

Yes, and how do I know that?

Because some dude named Frank gave her customer service one star, claiming that she has sideburns tattooed on her face and that she lets kids smoke inside the restaurant.

Maybe this is a fun taco but maybe maybe I'm back to team Lydia. Is that what it was?

What was the team Lydia?

Maybe I'm back to team Lydia. I mean tattooed sideburns, get out of my face. That's great. I like this.

It's not just people smoke. She lets kids smoking.

She's like, hey, guys, have fun. This is Taco Bell Live moth. Are we thinking outside the bun yet? King's not gonna let you do this.

Oh Frank, if he's Taco Bell Walls could talk.

Yeah, imagine what Frank is experiencing when he's like, what, what the fuck is just seeing kids smoking? What the fuck is this?

But he looks up that location, it's like, oh dear, and.

Lydia's like, what can I get you? What do you want? We have sex club here on Thursdays and definitely Christmas.

We've got a special on seven Lighter Brutos and sex Night on Thursday. Yeah.

I think like she should go back at Christmas and just be like, do they still have these parties? Just like walk in like I knew it. You guys are back to the same fucking thing.

Yeah, I mean I bet the next time you see a Taco Bell with the windows covered in rapping paper, you're gonna stop.

You're gonna know, You're gonna know. That's the sign I've I was on a show called Physical and we filmed near this Taco Bell in San Pedro. Oh really, that's right?

Did you eat there?

So I'm I'm well aware of these locations, and uh now I know that I was never invited to, uh partake.

I'm not gonna ask you if you've ever been invited to an orgy.

I've never been invited to an orgy. You don't even have to. I'll just divulge that.

Yeah, you're still young man, plenty of time.

Hey, And it's not for lack of try. I have made it very clear I want to be in and no one cares.

After the break, a different story about a holiday party gone awry, featuring a Phillies fan who had won too many cocktails and sparked an international incident. Yes, hello, and welcome back to Crime List, the only podcast brave enough to tell the truth about holiday parties. That's right, Rory, now that you've heard the truth. A story about a Taco Bell party that turned into an orgy. You may be thinking things couldn't possibly get worse for America's holiday gatherings.

God, I hope so, I hope it gets worse.

Yeah, because for at least one guy in Delaware, it's definitely not true. Probably a lot of guys in Delaware, and we just know about this one guy. Allow me to introduce you to Michael Rohana, a then twenty four year old shoe salesman from Bear, Delaware, who drove into Philly in December of twenty seventeen to attend an ugly sweater party at the famous Franklin Institute Museum.

Okay, ever been there? I have?

Not great museum Okay. In fact, it's one of America's most acclaimed science museums, named for that og Philly legend, Ben Franklin. Benjamin got it. Perhaps you've heard of him, Benny boy A Benny boy Yep. But on this night in twenty seventeen, the museum is hosting a science after hours holiday party that Michael and his pals decide to hit up. So I guess it's open to the public. You probably pay ten bucks to show up party in the museum?

Cool?

Yeah, it seems fun. I would do that me too.

I don't know if they pregamed or just had too many cups of the spiked punch, But around nine pm Michael makes one of the most consequential bad decisions of his young life.

Nine pm is so on the early side, but that is not the hour that something like this happens.

Okay, drove out from Delaware Hot Look into party.

He drank on the way. He had him drinks on the way.

They tailgated outside the Franklin too.

That's exactly right.

Michael slips off and ducks under a rope that divides the section of the museum open for the party from its closed exhibits. And where does he end up? In the middle of an exhibit of ten almost priceless terracotta warriors from the legendary collection of eight thousand clay soldiers buried by China's first emperor and discovered back in nineteen seventy four.

Oh, okay, I was wondering how we were gonna tie these worlds together, and here we go.

Do you know these warriors? I do, Yeah, that's pretty cool. Apparently some peasants were digging a well and chang Xi Province and just stumbled upon them. They're all like literally built to be buried with his emperor.

Yeah, can you imagine stumbling into that and being like, what the fuck?

That?

Would you never you would never be able to lose that initial reaction to oh my god, what is this?

From like part of one to a whole one to eight thousand of them been going there unending serious swagg that emperor had had that commission to be buried with him when he died. He's like, I need eight thousand warriors to be sculpted from clay.

If I had Bezos money, I would go, let's go nine thousand, Let's set the record and then bury them with me.

It's yeah, for those who don't know, it's this really detailed army of literally thousands of individually sculpted clay figures, some on horseback, some marching, each with his own individual flare. These things were not mass produced, and the point of them was to protect Emperor Chin Chi Wong in the afterlife, which feels like a little bit of overkill.

Yeah. I mean, I don't know what to expect in the afterlife, but I just would like to believe it's not war I would just love to believe it's not war.

So I commissioned statues of what instead.

I mean wings, a cool car, just in the event that we do get to use these things.

How about some ladies for an orgy?

Eight thousand ladies, eight thousand ladies, one of whom is your wife. They're all different versions of my wife. That's how committed I am. All eight thousand are different versions of my wife.

So the main collection has become one of China's most famous and popular art exhibits, and this small group of them was split off to tour of the world. So our man Michael wanders into the dark section of the museum, and using his phone's flashlight, he decides to give himself a little tour. Yep, he poses for some selfies. He's wearing a green holiday sweater and of course a Phillies hat. Yep, this is Philly. He's from Delaware, but Delawa is right

Why are you giving him the benefit of the doubt? I guess. You know, he knew what that velvet rope meant.

It's true, he knew he was dancing with the devil. But I mean, but still like, I feel like at this point he's not gonna get himself. They're going to kick him out, right, They're like, okay, you're Michael.

Yeah.

So and he guesses about where he crosses the actual crime line. I mean, assuming that he's trespassing, right, but let's let's that probably wouldn't have gotten him.

Or he's doing he's taking selfies with the soldiers. Yep, is that right?

That's well, no, that's not Yes, he did do that, but that's still not what I guess what he might do.

Is it related to the soldiers. It is he got into sexual positions, like he was at Taco bell. He started giving taco bell with the soldiers.

He re enacted the Tago Bell orgy. Uh no, I'll just tell you. At some point, Michael snaps the thumb off one of the warriors the cavalry, and he sticks it in his pocket.

Mmm.

Then he eventually finds his way back to the party, finishes his night, and takes the little terra cotta thumb home man, Dun dune dum.

This is like if this was a horror movie. It brings the soldier to life and he kills everybody.

Oh my God, that's such a good plot.

That's actually a pretty good plot. Nobody steal that in case Josh and I decided to co write it.

That's crimeless movie spin off number one.

You can't be really houses related to the show at all.

That's the elevator pitch. We just did. We just did it. Yeah, there you go, offers via. Well, we might have different agencies. Just just email us. It actually just venmo us.

If you have enough, we'll go highest venmo we get to keep all the venmos, but whoever sends the highest amount gets the script.

I'm sure that's legal. Yeah. So, according to a filing by his lawyer, Michael woke up the next day hungover, extremely scared, and immediately regretting his conduct. Yeah, but at first, nothing happens. He just resumes his life. It takes a couple of weeks for the museum staff to even notice that the cavalryman is missing a thumb, but eventually they do and the police are called.

I that is actually kind of interesting that they would notice that. It must have been like a prominent like on display thumb location.

It's the less famous, like the little known guy giving two thumbs up.

Like maybe maybe all of them were doing this, but one of them was doing this.

For those not watching on a video, Rory is giving the thumbs up. One presumes it wasn't a terribly difficult mystery to solve. They have cameras, and so an FBI agent pays a visit to Michael's home in Delaware, and Michael confesses right away. He hands over the thumb, which he'd put in a desk drawer, of course. Yeah, where else would.

You put it? Yeah? Paper weight? I would go paper weight for sure.

He surely hopes they'll just slap him on the wrist, maybe issue a fine, and that is not what happened, unfortunately for Michael.

Yeah, oh god, here we go, there we go. Let this be a lesson to everybody. Let everyone learn through Michael's mistakes. Right now, Josh, what did they do to him? They killed him? Did they kill him? Michael was killed?

Uh? Yeah, This is a cautionary tale for all of us. Even the most harmless prank can get you in big trouble. And so in Michael's case, federal prosecutors charged him with the theft and concealment of an item of cultural heritage, as well as interstate transport of a stolen item because he'd driven the thumb back across the border into Delaware. These are very serious charges that could result in decades in prison should he be convicted.

Oh shit, oh shit. You know, he can't even believe it. You know, he's like just a normal guy. Oh yeah, like.

One did one dumb thing and then suddenly the FBI's at his house and he's being charged by federal prosecutors with crimes that could.

Put He's gonna go to jail longer than the Jam sixers, who knew they were definitely crossing a velvet rope. They definitely knew that.

I believe they smashed some doors and windows.

They did a little more than Michael.

Yeah, So why go so hard on him because this is Philly bro. No, Actually, it's because this had become an international incident. Rory. The case was fueled in part by outrage from the Chinese government, which takes these words very seriously. Yeah, only ten at a time are ever allowed to leave the country, and according to The New York Times, a Chinese man was sentenced to death back in the eighties for stealing the head of one.

There you go, and the head's gonna be a little bit more than the thumb. They're gonna notice that.

Yeah, but I mean death, Why would you want it?

Like, what do you even do with it? I don't know, Like if he put it on eBay, would you even believe that's legitimately a thumb from one of the soldiers, Or if you had the head he just put it on a shelf. Yeah, I don't know. I grabbed it at a holiday party. They're gonna kill me, But I just I don't know.

I just I couldn't. I couldn't stop.

I always have so much fun at the holiday party. The schnapps we would do impeach schnapps.

So the Chinese government wasn't quite that blood thirsty, but they were still very pissed, and they asked you officials to punish Michael to the full extent of the law, calling the theft to quote vicious incident. Phillas City Council tried to lower the temp by issuing a formal apology to China, stating that the work of art was invaluable in an official resolution, and two years later, in twenty nineteen, the case finally goes to court.

Oh here we go. I'm I'm Uh.

Michael's lawyers argued that the severity of the charges was sort of ridiculous, and I think we can agree that, yeap, it seems a little ridiculous, right, yeah, yeah. It says these charges were made for art thieves think Ocean's eleven or mission impossible. One of his lawyers said her client wasn't a ninja clothing sneaking around the museum. He was a drunk kid in a bright green, ugly Christmas sweater.

Yep.

A great line by a lawyer, right there. Yeah, here's what Michael, surely scared shitless told the court. Every time I see this video now, I'm trying to figure out what was going through your mind? What were you thinking? Also, I don't know why I broke it. It did just happen, But there was never a thought of I should break this. Yeah, so I get if he's telling the truth, it may be more of like maybe he touched it in an act it only broke and then he was like, oh shit, maybe.

I guess is there any foot There was no footage of not released.

Oh interesting, I mean, I guess you could imagine a couple of scenarios. One and he breaks it by accident and pockets at one where he did think, oh, this will be funny, and then immediately is like, ah shit.

Yeah.

But one of the things lawyers argued about the most was the value of the thumb, the small piece of two thousand year old klute. To get the conviction, US attorneys needed to convince the court that the thumb was worth more than five thousand dollars. According to the New York Times, curators told the FBI that the statue itself was worth four point five million, and an expert witness testified that the thumb was worth one hundred and fifty thousand.

Yeah, one hundred and fifty thousand. Nice.

But Michael's expert, an artipraiser, stated that the thumb's real value was probably more like a thousand bucks the estimated cost of reattaching it. I think that's reasonable. Yeah, Like I buy that argument.

Yeah.

Anyway, the jury was mostly confused. They entered in a split verdict and a mistrial was declared. But this sadly was not the end for Michael and his drunk adventure.

Oh man, and he's two years into living with this, yep.

Exactly because the Chinese government not over it.

Yeah. I like that. They wouldn't let it go. You know what they would do on there. They're standing ground. They're standing on business here, folks.

They were very unhappy about the miss trial, and a BBC story about the trial quoted outraged users of Chinese social media sites too. Let me read a few of these for you, Rory. Yeah, since he's not guilty, can I also take the statue of Liberty's torch?

Interesting, that's gonna be a little bit bigger than the thumb, but it was a.

Little harder to break off and speak away with.

Yeah, well, we have to see how mad would France get about that? That's right, does France care?

Another person said, are those seven jurors idiots?

Wow?

Oh and finally my favorite, this American dog doesn't care at all or understand Chinese cultural relics.

Okay, that's what they wrote.

This was social media users in China.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, they called him a dog, American dog. I like it. Yeah.

This left prosecutors in a bit of a predicament. It was too high profile to let go of. So the case dragged on for five more years. Rory, So seven year guy, this poor guy. So we're talking like this just resolved last year twenty twelve. God, so the pandemic was part of the reason, of course, but it drags on. So finally, in twenty twenty three, Michael agrees to a

That guy was for s Do you think there's any like Chinese spies. They're going to try to kill him.

He might because punishment back home, we know what that is.

Yeah, they're gonna kill him. They're gonna find him.

So Michael would have to pay an as yet undecided amount of restitution to the Franklin Institute, which even six years later, was still hopping mad. The museum issued a statement that the statue would never again be publicly displayed because of the damage Michael caused, which reduced the artworks life expectancy, and it claimed they had spent fifty thousand

So only twenty five grand to fix it. Yeah, right, there you go.

Michael, who at the time of the thumb robbery I guess we can call it, was a shoe salesman. He had moved on by this time he worked at an HVAC company. He told the judge he was willing to do anything, even sell his collection of Nike sneakers, which included some very rare air Jordans, to help pay it back.

Nice. Yeah, I don't know if he needed to tell us how he was going to get the money, but that's that feels like he was posturing to be like, by the way, I've got some dope sneakers. No one ever really knows that about me, and this is my only chance to kind of really air that out.

Yeah, I think Michael. Yeah, he also just wanted to move on. Yeah, I was wasting my time with no goals and no vision of where I wanted my life to go. He said, this has been a huge wake up call for me.

Yeah, that's a long, long wake up call.

Oh man, poor guy. I mean, you know, listen, you know.

You don't tamper with artwork. You've got to be assuming, You've got to be you have to assume this is all expensive, and this is why you're not allowed to touch paintings.

So uh Rory, will you now moderate your punch and take all holiday parties going forward?

Of course? Yeah? Yeah, I look, I would never steal a thumb from one of these warriors or touch a painting, but I will say and I don't think there would have been any punishment. A younger me would have definitely had a couple of drinks and wanted people to know I went into the music. I would like be like, look, I'm gonna go Yeah, I'm gonna go in and they don't want me to. I can easily see me doing that. And I don't mean super young. I mean maybe two

All right, well, I'm ready for some eggnog. Let's take a break. But after the break, Rory, what's coming up?

Blaane s game?

Everybody's favorite game or games we'll see in a minute. Hello, and welcome back to Crime List, the only podcast brave enough to get drunk at your holiday party. It's now time for our final segments.

Blane Scame never gets sold.

I'm starting to hit a better scratch of the back of the throat. This thing's evolving, it's growing.

Bring a bullhorn one of these times you should pull it out. Gen absolutely fucking whale it.

Please, I just blow out my own mic and.

Headphones, break our speakers.

All right, Lane, what do you got for us?

So today? Since it was our holiday episode, I have a game dedicated to Christmas movies, specific Hallmark Christmas movies. Oh dear, do you guys watch those?

I don't, so I'm gonna be terrible.

I can I tell you something earlier in the episode, when I was talking about how Christmas shopping and shit starts in like September, I was visiting my family members in Panama City Beach in mid October, and the Hallmark channel has it already was starting its playing of non stop Christmas movies starting then They're going right now.

They can't be stopped. They turned out.

It's insanity.

They turned out so many. There was thirty original films this year.

Guilty Pleasure. I would sit and watch one right now and make fun of it and also secret goal that no one knows. I would absolutely be in one if someone get made me an offer. I'm not gonna lie, I go read. I would go read for it, I owe. But I would easily be in a Hallmark movie, and I my fear is that I'd love it. And then that's what I would.

Just film them all like rural Canada. You just live in that town where they film them all, and.

You live in that town, and you just you create this misperceived version of Christmas that no one in their reality actually lives.

Well, no one sounds like you have a better chance of raising this than me, though, You're like, spiritually.

I don't know anything about I just watch them and I don't even know what's going on. I don't know. I'm going to be horrible at this.

But I like this great place to start. So basically, the premise of this game simple. I'm going to give you the title of a Christmas Hallmark movie and I just want you to tell me what it's about. Just give me any plot point in a detail.

Okay, right, thank you? Lane?

All right, first one.

Hold on, hold on, hold on? Can we do Can this be the first Lane Games where Josh and I are maybe on the same team and we either get it right or wrong?

You know for Christmas?

Yes, Oh, we collaborate.

We're collaborating on what we think this story.

Okay, in the spirit of the holidays, of course.

Unity.

So this movies called An Unexpected Christmas.

What do you think pregnancy? Pregnancy, I'm feeling family that. I think they lean heavily into Mary and Joseph. I think they go hardcore religious on this and they've it's a couple that's been trying.

Baby, they've been trying a long time to have a baby, and the baby happens like right at Christmas, right holiday.

Or it's born on Christmas.

It was born on Christmas and they name it Jesus.

And they name it Jesus because Jesus Jesus.

How we doing that's too progressive for Hallmark. Now, this one's about Jamie, a political speech writer who returns home to his small town for the holidays. But he hasn't told his family that he and his girlfriend broke up. But Emily, his girlfriend, arrives in his hometown on marketing business, and David doesn't want to ruin Christmas for his family, so he tells Emily, let's just pretend and we can

I'm telling you right, Josh and I are idiots. What a horrible fucking guess. That's a great I would be in that.

You could be the funny brother or the main character.

When I was thinking, I was like, let me play the dad, even though the ages will be way off. I think no one will care.

Where Just wear like a what are those I can't even think of the word. Man, what are those sweaters called when you button them up?

Cardigan?

Yes, just wear a cardigan.

Josh is so thrown by the fact that our pitch wasn't even close to this forgotten words. I can't, I can't give you. He's actually shell shocked right now.

I am okay, I think you can get this one some detail. It's called Santa's Steakout.

Okay.

It's a family that's been trying to have a baby.

No, it's it's a cop and his girlfriend have just broken up.

I mean there's always going to be a breakup or a single person finding love. These are all of them. So Santa's steak out, I'm gonna guess it had it's not criminal related. It's g rated. That was our mistake on this first one. And there it's a steak out because they want to see the real Santa or find out if Santa's so they're doing a steak out to watch on Christmas.

Detective movie tropes. But the steakout is it's not crime, it's and they fought the kid.

And they fall in love. Oh, I got it.

It's two single parents, both with children who are skeptical about Santa Claus I like what Josh is doing, and therefore they steak out to prove to their children that Santa is real, and then they fall in love during the steakout.

Can I just say something, Even if this guess is wildly off, Hallmark would fucking eat us up. They would love it.

Josh, you got points because it is There is a police officer. Tanya is a rookie police officer paired up with a veteran Ryan Anderson. You needed to know his last name.

I like that. I like knowing that it's very just Ryan Anderson. That's anativity.

They need to go undercover as a married couple because there's a thief on the loose who is striking during holiday parties.

Joe Pashi and Daniel Stern.

Could be their main suspect is a friendly neighborhood Santa who has a criminal past. Oh so Ggie, if you can even fathom that they fall in love at the end they do.

How crazy. He's the veteran and she's the rookie, and he's going to retire and she's like, well, I still have a whole career of He's like, I can't get away from this job.

The spirit of Christmas brings them together.

I would be in that. I would gladly play the Santa Claus criminal.

One more, here we go A Christmas shoe?

Is that true?

A shoe atticts Christmas? Yep, this is a real.

Shoe addicts Christmas? Is it?

Michael from the Franklin Institute Party A rare collection of.

Rare selection of sneaks. God, I don't even know to start with this one. No, Oh, there's a rare a rare shoe.

Do we feel like that's yeah, it's like some really arrogant, egotistical business guy who collects shoes and he desperately needs this one special pair for Christmas, and he asks his girlfriend, maybe.

That no, no, no, no no. The woman who owns it is who he falls in love with. Oh yeah, oh wait, you're saying, asked his girlfriend.

I'm saying, ask his girlfriend. He's like, I don't need anything this Christmas except for this one shoe, and if you don't get it for me, we're done. And the person who owns it, yes, is another woman. And the girlfriend dumps him because she's like, fuck you in your shoes.

And his overall lesson in the end is that love is more important than shoes. Yes, and they fall in love. Mane, do we get it?

You got the love detail?

Okay?

And this person does love shoes. Okay. So Noel is a single lady with a stagnant career. Her real dream was to be a big time photographer, but after a breakup, she quit and now works in hr at a department store. One snow evening, she stays late and accidentally gets locked in after closing. While wandering through the shoe department, she meets a woman who says she's her guardian angel, played by Jean Smart.

Oh see what I mean these celebs and.

So Noel is rescued from this snowed in department store by a hunky fireman who is her love interest John Cena. Yes, but Jean Smart keeps reappearing with magic shoes to transport her to Christmas Pass and future, where she reflects on what's been holding her back.

I feel like they're stepping up, like the budgets on, like bigger stars, more ambitious plot.

Magic year is that? Uh?

I think think it was a couple of year Lucy twenty eighteen.

Twenty eighteen, right, so pre hacks.

Yeah? Yeah. Noel is played by Candice Cameron Bureau, DJ from Full House.

Married of Hockey. She's in a lot of them. I think I think she is. She's part of the rotation. She's in the rotation. It's very it's very Harlem globetrotters against the Washington what is it the senators or generals? Yeah, that's what That's what a Hallmark movie is. It's the globetrotters versus the generals.

It's globetrotters.

For girls. It's right guys, and just to have one clear, we do believe that Globetrotters can be for everybody. We don't all agree. Those are lanes views, lanes views.

This is where we get political, Lane, Allmark should be for girls.

All of our episodes in with a political ramp that's unrelated to the two stories.

Lane tariffs, Lane.

I think we need more of them. I think we need more.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's do it. Let's tear let's bigger tariffund on those movies. I think we got it. On that note, Happy holidays, everybody. Rory's got to read his sides for the Hallmark audition.

Stay safe out there, and if you see me in a Hallmark movie, note that that dream started on this.

Episode crime Less. It makes your dreams come true. We'll see you next week. Crimeless is a production of SmartLess Media, Campside Media and Big Money Players in partnership with iHeart Podcasts. It's hosted by Rory Scovel and me Josh Deen. Our senior producer is Lane Rose. Emma Simonov is our associate producer. This episode was written by Lane Rose and me Josh Dean. We're sound designed and engineered by Blake Brook with support from Ewan Letrom Ewen Mark McAdam composed our theme song.