How to (Not) Hire a Hitman

Hey, they're Crimeless fans and David stands. If you have arrived here looking for mister Knoxville and more chapters of the hilarious tale about David and Mike and all those other bumbling thieves from Hillbilly Heist. I'm sorry to tell you that this particular story has come to an end. Johnny had to get back to his regular life. All is not lost, However, the Crimeless train doesn't stop rolling

Hello, everybody, and welcome to Crimeless.

Coming up here in just a few moments, we have a treat to play for you, episode one of our new weekly show Crimeless, a podcast that celebrates, as we will say many times, the amazing creativity of the world's dumbest criminals. Would you say that sums it up, Rory?

I think that absolutely sums it up.

I'm a journalist and I'll handle the storytelling duties. It's my job to find the ridiculous tales and relay them to Rory. He's a comedian, he will crack jokes and also do some accents.

Sometimes well the pressure's on now, yeah I will. I will participate with you the audience in having my mind blown at how absolutely absurd the criminals of this country and world can.

Be, and do a little Scottish for us.

There these criminals in the breaking into what if. I hope this is a make or break. I hope this doesn't mean I break people to say to actually listen to the show. Is that close? That's close, that's pretty good. That was not that's not gonna get me a gig, but it's not gonna not get me another audition for something else later without an accent.

I agree. I give that a solid B plus.

So nice work.

Thank you. Every week, together we will unpack a new crime story that is too ridiculous to believe, joined occasionally by our trustee producer Lane Rose, who moves more often than someone in witness protection. Which, come to think of it, Lane, are you in hiding?

Why didn't you like to know?

Oh?

Yeah, yeah, I'll never reveal my secret.

In addition to make us look good by editing out our worst jokes, Lane will cap off every episode with a quiz, puzzle test or trivia challenge in a segment that Rory.

Has named Lane's Games.

Stay tuned for that just as soon as we spend our first side splitting tail. And with that, I present episode one of Crime.

Less, your new favorite weekly show.

Please like and follow us on your favorite app and tell all your friends.

Think of it as a pyramid scheme, but instead of money, we ask only for your laughs. Just do it. Let's go, Gampsite media charge Rory. Yes, Josh, have you ever wanted to Have you ever wanted to kill somebody? I mean, this feels is like such a setup. Uh sure, in that fantastical I'm really mad at you kind of way, but would never do it and would instantly regret it.

Okay, good, good, Because I'm not your lawyer yet, so anything you tell me it is technically admissible in court.

I know, I know, I know.

And we don't want to have to start recording these remotely from prison, or maybe we do.

It could be fun, our a new bit, a lot of face time me.

So let me start up and rephrase the question, do you believe that hip men are real? I?

Do you do? Okay? I think they're real?

Could because there's a school of thought that they're like unicorns are undecided voters, something we.

Made up for movies. That is, I will say though every time someone contacts a hit man it is an undercover cop. Look at you, You're always so far ahead of my storytelling, Well, it's always a cop. The reason I say that is you might be right. They might be a mythical creature that doesn't actually exist, and yet people still try to contact them via Craigslist.

Well exactly because today and crime List, we have a hilariously tragic tale of spoiler alert, a failed murder for higher scheme. We'll tell you how not to hire a hitman, and we will finally answer the question do they even exist?

That's after break.

Hello would welcome back to crime List, the podcast that celebrates the amazing creativity of the world's dumbest criminals while also obeying all traffic laws and never cutting the tags off our pillows or mattresses. I'm Josh Dean.

And I am Rury's skifful good citizen of this world.

Today, our story takes us to South Rockwood, Michigan, a town south of Detroit that, according to niche dot com renowned review sight of towns has a night life scene that's a solid B minus. And if that hasn't convinced you to move there, maybe this will. Back in July twenty twenty, aged divorce, a named Wendy Wine was pissed off. She was sure their ex husband, who'd bolted for Tennessee, had stolen twenty grand, and the distance provided by divorce and all those state lines was just not enough.

She needed her.

Ex husband six feet under.

Wow, this is COVID time too.

Yeah, maybe a little extra on edge, right, So.

We're all turned up to eleven at this point, just to set the scene.

So divorce she thinks he's taking twenty grand. Clearly the only option at this point is to have him murder, right, Yeah, I mean she can't even go outside. She's not supposed to even go outside. I guess that explains why she couldn't kill him herself, because how would she get to Tennessee?

Yeah, exactly.

So anyway, she's not a killer herself. She's a mother of two. And if Wendy's gonna do this, she's gonna need some help. She's gonna need a hit man. How do you go about finding a hitman?

Rory hitman dot com. You're this is actually how we do one of our plugs for one of our sponsors if you're looking to off so, but don't be afraid of hitman dot com.

I mean, I feel like sometimes someone's leaking these scripts to you because you're getting a little bit ahea off my money.

If this is even remotely true, oh my god, hold tight.

In the past, you might have tried asking the bartender at the Divius Bar in town, or maybe your friend who's always got a guy for that. But this is the twenty first century. We have the Internet, and naturally Wendy turns to Google. I just love I love engaging with the bartender.

Like you know anybody who like, how many times does the bartender be?

Like?

Why does everybody come in here and think I know who the murderers are? Bartender knows everything. Man, I'll do another course light and uh, you know anybody in town who kills people for money?

So we will know exactly what Wendy typed into her Google machine. But it must have been something like hit man near me. Regardless, she comes across a website called rent a Hitman.

Do oh shut the no?

Well, yes, I did not make that up Rennehitman dot com. You can actually go there right now and you'll find a website that looks totally legit and not at all like a trap.

Do you want to know what it makes me think of? It makes me think of like this is the police version of you know, when you take a kid fishing with their like shitty little kid fishing pole and the bait that's plastic but looks like a fish, and that Wendy is a fish. That was like, I think that's actual bait. I'm actually gonna bite. I'm gonna bite. I'm gonna eat that.

Totally, because I'm sure Renne Hitman dot com is not a yet definitely not a trap. It's gotta be a legit thing because like it's on the open. We're not talking four Chan of the dark web here, We're talking this is the Internet.

Hoigpace, so in the open. That's what Wendy was like, Oh, I appreciate this so easy? Who knew it was so convenient? Good lord?

And it's not some janky website. It's a thorough resource advertising that its creators have seventeen thou nine and eighty five field operatives who have been quote whacken woes since prohibition.

Yeah, also that's a that's also a lot of hitmen like we have seventeen thousand. I feel like maybe they over overplayed it there. Oh, I gotta say, if this is a undercover cop scheme, they probably were like, hey, you don't make it seventeen thousand, and then someone's like, who is going to this website? Anyways? Wendy might be them having to buy the website at them having to get it designed, them having to pay for that. For that dot com, they maybe put more money into catching one person.

An elaborate sting, just waiting waiting for a fly to fly into that trap exactly.

They even have a welcome video.

Oh yeah, hey you Yeah, you're looking for a hit man. You got an issue that needs resolving, Look no further than rent a hit Man your pointing click solution. Yeah, we're on the world Wide Web, not the Deep Web, not the dark Web, the world wide Web, and tell them Guido sent you and we are one hundred compliant.

With hip hop the hit Man Information Privacy and Protection Act of nineteen sixty four. So check us out rent a Hitman dot com.

Okay, yep, I would I would rent from here. It felt like an SNL sketch.

Well, just you wait, there's twists coming Rory Man. So Wendy's no dummy and she's not gonna trust just anything she finds on the internet. Come on. So she writes an email to rent a Hipman's chief consultant, who you heard there, Guido Finelli, saying this is kind of weird that your company's not on the dark web. I prefer not going to jail. Thanks for your time. And then she tells Guido she's in need of one of those consultants. She's willing to pay her hard earned American dollars to

I'm not gonna lie. I cannot even guess. I don't even have a baseline jumping up. I have no idea.

Five grand Okay doesn't feel like enough.

Right, it doesn't feel like enough. But it also you gotta know your your clients. You gotta know what their income might be. Right. It's probably not like someone in the one percent isn't coming to deal with a website. They have someone on retainer for this kind of thing.

Yeah, I kind of feel like five grand was a bit of a red flag. So the next day she gets a response asking if she still requires their services and if she would like to be connected with a field operative. She says yes, absolutely, her husband is still a problem in need of solution, and she ranges to meet this chosen operative at a cafe. We talked about this earlier, but this is July twenty twenty. Rory, what else is happening?

I mean COVID, So what's going on with this cat? Actually, now I'm worried what this cafe thinks they're doing. Open that's right.

If firing a hitman for on the internet isn't bad enough, this woman is making plans to meet a stranger in public, in the middle of the pandemic crimes piled on crimes here.

Sure, some of the piled on crimes are less critical than the crime underneath the pile, but yes, still a crime.

So on July twenty first, twenty twenty, Wendy waits for her hip man at the Dixie Cafe, a homy joint that, according to one review, has the best bean soup and fish around.

I believe him, I for sure believe him. I'm not a big bean soup guy, though, that's because you haven't had the best.

So the hip man approaches. We don't know what he looks like. I like to imagine a ponytail, and he's named Snake. Wendy tells him everything he needs to know in order to kill her ex husband, what he looks like when he drives, where he works. Then she meets up with him a second time later that day and gives him two hundred bucks for travel because he's not covering expenses. Wendy, Yeah, that's right, you gotta cover from gas.

He's got a gass hotel, per diem. I mean he's going down to Nashville or what do you say?

Tennessee's Tennessee. We're not sure where.

Yeah, and then.

Well, I mean, I feel like you've already answered this, But can you predict what the plot twist is here?

I mean, I want it to be so extreme and insane that the hit man is actually her husband in disguise, and this whole time he's been a cop like Arnold Schwarzenegger in True Lies. But I know that that isn't going to be what you say.

No, it's sadly what you said at the top, it's a sting. Wendy got arrested.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah, I think we're both shocked, absolutely gobsmacked by this twist.

I mean, the cops had bids going at the station. Who is going to fall for this? And that you know, someone was like it will we will get one person. We're going to get one person.

So yeah, I mean I had How on earth does a lady as careful as Wendy get caught for trying to hire it on the internet from the world's most trust murder for hire site. Obviously, Rennahitman dot com, I feel like is the gold standard. So here's what actually happened. I have the whole full backstory for you, because I'm

Oh my god.

So he mostly ignored them until he got one that looked serious enough. It was a woman saying she wanted three people killed, and she even sent their names and addresses. So Bob shifts into good Samaritan mode, sent the ladies information to a cop friend of his, and she gets arrested. So Wendy not the only person. Many, in fact, many people.

That's the cops must have thought that too. The cops must have been like, wait, what, Bob, what do you have? I just I made the jokey website. And people really want to kill people and they think it's real. They're like, oh, oh my god. It's like literally going, what are we having for dinner? And then someone going, oh, someone set up a bunch of fishing poles and said we could just have we could just have whatever they catch. Oh oh yeah, I like that. Yeah.

Bob's like, I guess I'll keep it up, and now I'll just use it as a trap. So he's a fair guy. He decides to keep it up, but he gives it a redesign to make it even more obvious that it's a fake, so that he can't be accused of entrapment.

Yeah.

I think you can now vouch for it being really obvious.

Right, thought it was a joke, which I guess it was.

You said that looked like an SNL schedule.

I thought satura in life. Yeah. Yeah.

And if you remember when we both chuckled at the reference to hippa, If you missed it, that referred to the quote hit Man Information Privacy and Protection Act of nineteen sixty four. It's an oath they make you take when you graduate from Hitman.

You you have to take it. Yeah. Yeah.

So the website is also riddled with mafia references in addition to the head of the company being Guido Finelli, who, according to the website wait for this, has been working at Rena Hitman since nineteen twenty. Yeah, assuming you have to be at least ten to be a hit man. That would make him one hundred and fifteen years old.

That's right, Wendy. Wendy just wanted to I think that's the world we live in. We live in such a world of convenience with our smartphones, we just assume that even this could just be a convenience. Right, this is door somebody thought of it. This is DoorDash for Wendy.

The website also uses the word kapiche a lot, which is that offensive to Italian?

I don't know, but definitely a giveaway that it's not a real thing.

I think we may still be allowed to make fun of Italian? Is that one accent we're still allowed to do? Can you say, do you want to do you do one?

For us? People? Do? They debate it? They debate it, They debate the the freedom, I'll say, the freedom to make fun of an Italian accent? Where do you come down? Are you comfortable? Hey? I just did he like you want? This is my favorite. I don't know what this is, but I love it plays great on podcasts, But really I just as I did it. Let me just say, Rory is doing a great Italian impression. With his hands.

Oh yeah, when they get up from being fake fauve, Yes, let's just keep doing gestures. That'll be great for the pod. So not only is renta hitman dot com obviously fake if you do even the tiniest bit of poking around, there are a lot of articles written about it. So clearly these want to be killers aren't even doing a second dual search, like is Renne hitman dot com a prank, a trap, a joke? The absolute bare minimum amount of research I would argue you should do before hiring a hitman.

Yes, I do like that Wendy message like, uh nice, try but I'm not trying to get arrested. And he's like, yeah, but do you want our services? And she goes I absolutely do. Like she was on the right path of suspicion until someone was like, no, I swear, I'm real, what do you need?

She just asked the guy like, she didn't do a search, like have there been previous incidents? Like yeah, nope, just asked Yeah. She's a very trusting lady, that Wendy. So according to Bob, he received four hundred hitman hiring her questions, by the way, and at least ten percent of them more serious enough that the cops took them on. Yeah, so he hands over the contact to the police. So usually have an officer who steps in and finishes the job. So the guy who went to the cafe after she

What happened to the kids?

I do not have resolution for the kids. You've asked a question I cannot answer. Rarely happens.

Yeah, but I don't mean they kind of don't give the kids to the dad. If the dad up and left you got to assume he's not in it to win it. Oh, man, this just took a sad turn. Want her to consider these things, Josh, when you find these stories.

I know you're thinking, this website sounds fantastic if you want to hire a hitman. But what if I want to be a hitman. So there's also a hiring section on the web page. It's a job page where you can apply to become a field operative for the most prestigious problem resolution organization in the world. Surely no one will fall for that one, Roy right, Oh no, no one's gonna apply for a job.

Man, it's in the thousands.

Allow me to introduce you to Josiah, Ernesto Garcia and Air National Guardsman.

Ugh, this is the gift that keeps on giving. He's from Hermitage, Tennessee.

Tennessee plays a big role in today's episode, even though the website's based in Michigan. I don't know why. So in early twenty twenty three, Josiah struggling to find a job. We've all been there, yep. So he starts looking for murder for hire gigs. We've all been there, I know, I mean, I just can't imagine how many rejections Josiah got before he makes that. Well, I mean I was in the military. I could kill people.

So Josiah, like Wendy, comes up on rentehitman dot com and he finds the career page. What a break career.

So remember we've established the website's a trap. It's very clunky on purpose. It's designed to be really obviously fake. Yeah, so that only the laziest aspiring murderers would fall for us.

Yeah, who you wouldn't want to hire anyways, They clearly have no intuition.

So the career page says join the family, capiche, and it describes the onboarding processes as as simple as whipping up a Sunday gravy. Yeah and yeah, which is not none novil. I'd like to note that's it. They don't serve it all week for a reason. You gotta dice the carrots real fine. So still none of this phases Josiah. He fills out the application, which includes questions, I shit you not, can you keep your yap shut?

And if you needed to vanish? Could you?

And do you crumble or do you stay cool like a canoli in the fridge?

Yeah? Could you imagine getting the butterflies, Like, just hoping you're answering these questions correctly because you really want this gig Ah, did I I was too honest? I'm more of a tira missou the best Italian dessert.

The site advises you to be honest in your application and or and I quote forget about it.

Yeah, and Josiah, he.

Sends a resume, a headshot, and a copy of his ID. He even brags he's been given the nickname Reaper for his military experience and marksmanship. Then he had send and presumably waits to hear from someone from the HR department. Doesn't have to wait long?

Yeah, how long do you think he waited? Like how long do you think they they because surely they don't. They try to like sell it even though they don't even need to.

Yeah, they don't even need to try. He's refreshed. They're not like any refresh on their email, Like, oh my god, we got one.

Josiah is driving to the police station, going, hey, I haven't heard back about this application, and I'd like them arrested.

So finally or shortly, we don't actually know. He gets a reply from a field operative who is Rory, who is the operative?

Who?

Who do you think? Writes back? Is it actually Guido?

It's an undercover FBI?

Well I knew that. But does he say I'm actually Guido Finelli?

He probably does me or I'm Ricardo his cousin head of HR.

Yeah. So the FBI agent says.

They need to meet in person in order for him to get the assignment. He gives Josiah a twenty five hundred dollars advance and the four one one on his target, who is the fictional abusive husband of a fictional woman. And then Josiah is arrested on charges of the use of interstate facilities and the commission of murder for hire.

Okay, I would like to point out this undercover cop should also be convicted for technically hiring a hit man. I think they're allowed to Maybe they're allowed to hire hitman.

Or like, because I think money has to change hands in order for the bee, because otherwise the guy could be like I was joking.

I would also like to point out Josiah was gonna go kill an abusive husband, and I think we can all agree that you're gonna kill somebody. If you're gonna kill someone, make it so that you're the good guy.

So he pleads guilty to the charges, and in April of twenty twenty five a sentenced to five years oh of probation. So maybe they were like, oh, you're gonna kill an abusive guy. That's okay.

I would love to see the judge and I hope for all of these The judge during sentencing just crushed for five minutes, rip roasting, like, I can't believe you fell for this website. I cannot even believe that this case is in front of.

Me right now, like that we're sitting in this sto I can't.

Believe we are wasting oxygen in this room to discuss the outcome of this situation.

I mean, how do you mentioned how stupid Josiah felt or maybe doesn't even still get it. He's like, I hope when I get out I can find a real one.

Yeah, He's like, I don't know why that website turned me in that they needed help. It still doesn't know it's a fake website.

Uh, And that is the end of our story. Runahitman dot Com, I'm sorry to say was always fake, but it did make me wonder do any hit man actually exists.

Yeah, I believe they do.

I want to believe they do, and we're gonna tackle that question.

You would make no sense if we knew about it, then they are not doing a good job exactly.

So we're gonna dig into this and more after the break.

Do do do? Okay?

After hearing those sad tales, has your answer changed? Are Hitman real?

I believe they are still real? Okay?

I also want to believe that they are, so, like, we do know that there really are Capo's mafia assassins, people in the mafia who kill other people in the mafia for the most part, but I think it's pretty strictly that like you don't kill civilians.

I hope that's true.

I think that's bad for business, That's what I hope that's bad for business. But my question is, are there John Wicks and killing Eves like professional assassins and expensive suits who fly around the world killing people with piano wire and handguns with silencers on them. Yeah, some experts say yes, But as I believe you said a few minutes ago, if these people really do exist, they're probably too good to get caught.

Yeah, we wouldn't know about it makes sense I mean, there's some deep level military training that we don't even know about, you know what I mean? Like we hear about Seal Team six, what about seven and eight? You know what I mean?

Or nine, ten, or even.

Who knows how high up the ladder we could climb. These other seals will never even know actual some of them might actually be seals, no idea.

The Russian Navy, and this is true, like trains, like dolphins, and like walruses, things exactly like attack sweetish submarines, and they're so.

Good at it they don't even know that they're they're doing it. They don't even know that it's violence. Dolphins. He's like, what, I'm just a walrus. I don't know what I'm doing. I just bumped into that submarine, bumped into it, and they taught me how to eat the side of it so it would implode and everyone would drown. That's all I o. This bomb tied to my back, I don't know I put that there? Can't. I don't have arms. How would I put this on?

That's gonna get you out of court every time.

Always, It'll always if you say I don't have arms, you're you're in a different category. Than everyone else. No, your honor, Literally, how did I put it all? You tell me. You tell me, if you're so smart, how did I type in that website? If I don't have fingers to answer that.

Not guilty, sir, I mean whatever you call it a dolphin. So yeah, we do know that the majority of murder for higher cases are one off. It's basically you call up the sketches guy you know, and ask if you'll kill your ex wife's hot new boyfriend for two hundred bucks. That guy always gets caught, right. It is literally someone you met at the bar and he's like, eh, all right, yeah, I don't got any work. It's Josiah after he gets out. I mean, I mean in theory, the theoretical Josiah is

I guess the only ones we really know of is in the Tanya Harding Nancy Kerrigan situation. Is that the most famous hit man, but then he just clubbed her.

In the knee, didn't he? Yes, As far as I can tell, most hipmn as we imagine in the movies, are cops basically like undercover cops pretending to be killers. As we saw in.

The first act of our story. So that's the crime less PSA.

If you ask your local bartender if he knows any hit man and he introduces you to a guy to Bandana and Oakley's that guy is an undercover cop.

Probably yeah.

In fact, the most prolific fake tip man we're aware of is a guy named Gary Johnson. Maybe you've heard of him or there was a movie about him. Glenn Powell played him in a movie last year called hit Man. Oh I think it was on Netflix, ieve, so yeah, yeah, yeah. Gary worked for one of the DA offs DA's offices in Houston as a staff investigator cop here this he raised this earlier, so this will be the answer to

And he's so good that Texas.

Monthly writes a profile about him by the Great Skip Holland's Worth, a fantastic magazine writer. He describes him as quote the Lawrence Olivier of the field oh Man. On the first couple stings, he dressed up as a biker, but then he starts crafting as hipman personas based on the client. He might be a clean cut gentleman for a high society woman who hates her husband, or I don't give a ship, just give me the money, tough guy routine he'd use on certain guys.

He even did accents like you, oh, which I'm knowing.

Maybe this this is our fake crime for the season finale. You're a fake hit man. We send you out.

Yeah, and we document the whole thing, no matter, no matter how bad it goes, now, how much how much trouble I get in, We record everything.

And we're gonna start at ours will be rente hitman. Dot org Yeah, dot gov.

Everyone's like, well, the government's got the government's backing it. It's probably legal. Or dot edu it's a university. Yeah, it's educational.

It would be basically improv which is I mean, that's partly your lane. This is this is perfect. So it's like, what would your hit man?

What would your persona, your hitman persona be? What do you think?

You know? I don't know.

I uh, I always do this sort of chicagoy New York kind of voice. So maybe I'd be a cab driver. And as people got into the cab and the how hard I'm fishing people get And that's right, that was a third fishing metaphor, you guys, people get into the cab and I'm always just like you have a you need anybody, You need me to kill anybody? What's going on? It's actually becoming rocky killing by or something like that, a box room the death. It's not as messy as

So eventually Gary becomes local celebrity. A lot of people know about him. Obviously, we said, the press covers his things. And yet because people are God bless.

Them, often really stupid. Yeah, they keep falling for it. That is so insane to me.

I know, he's profiled in magazines, he's in the newspapers. I mean, is it any dumber than Renahman dot com?

I guess I know.

So. One is a teenager who paid Gary seven atari computer games, three dollar bills and two dollars and thirty cents and nickels and dimes to take out another kid in class who liked the same girl as him.

Okay, that's unfortunate, it is. I think I hope we let that kid off with a slap on the hand, well, or you know, something a little more aggressive, just so he doesn't actually kill anybody, you know, really turn him around.

Another one was a drug store employee who hired Gary to kill his family and a car crash so that they could use their life insurance payout money to quote start a career as a private detective who travels the world solving crimes.

Everyone has a vision board, okay, and the way that you get from A to Z is not going to be the same for everybody. It's not going to be logical.

How can I get the money to start my globe trotting private eyebea.

Do you think the moment he was hired to do that, this hit man was like, wait, is it am I being? Is this a sting on me? This seems so crazy that maybe I'm in trouble.

A third was a former vice president of the Houston area Republican Women who gave Gary a two hundred thousand dollars down payment and jewelry to murder her oil air husband. Oh okay, so I mean that's pretty legit. Two under grand Yeah, she's vice president of the local Ladies Republican Club. There was even a cop who got trapped in this scheme after he hired a quote a supposed convicted murderer to kill his ex wife, and then that guy in turn hired Gary.

He's a subcontractor. He farmed it out. Gary was like, Oh, I know this guy. I work with this guy.

So he had quiet years and busy years, which he theorized was thanks to the economy. When the economy is good as it was, then people don't get so frantic, he told the writer hollins Worth. But when it starts going bad as it's doing now, everyone gets a little bit crazier and starts thinking about knocking someone else off.

Actually good and tell you why it's important for the economy to thrive.

So it's yeah, murder friar rates may be a recession indicator. Yeah, keep that in mind, bartenders and guidos of the world.

The Fernelli family.

So I think I mean, sell your stocks if people start hiring him men, Is that right?

Yep?

Okay, So dump your portfolio. And that is the I'm not sure I answered the question exactly, but I think they may be real. We can't prove it. If you meet one, he's almost certainly fake.

I think you are more than likely in trouble. In fact, the moment you meet one, you should try to reverse it and act like you're undercover arresting them. I got you. Yeah.

After the break, we build a website offering our own scheme to provide assassination consultations.

Either that or we'll just play game.

Welcome back to cryme List, your one stop shop for legal advice. Improv comedy and hit men for hire. We've reached the point in the show where I must prove yet again that I'm smarter than yours.

Lane's game, Lane, do you have a game for us?

I have a quiz today.

It's always a quiz.

Well, this is a personality quiz. I pulled it straight from Cosmo, the Hitman edition. Just kidding. I figured since we were talking about fake Hitman, we should decide what type of hitmen are you guys going to be? You know, yeah, real personality quiz.

Okay, so there's no winner. There's no winner or a loser in this.

Yeah.

This this is all introspection.

Okay. You know that eats Josh up, takes him alive.

He really wants to win.

Crack through my shell.

Yeah, today's about having fun.

Okay, let's have some fun.

So first question, you've been hired to eliminate a threat. What are you wearing? I've got some multiple choice. A A tailored black suit. B a wig and a mustache, see khaki shorts and a Grateful Dead T shirt.

Or d all white. I mean I kind of want to look like John Travolta from pulp fiction. Black suit. Yeah, him and Samuel Jackson. I kind of want that very formal attire. Maybe I want to combine wig in a mustache with a nice suit.

Oh some more like Samuel Jackson from.

So Mostly I want to be Samuel Jackson.

I'm going to go in honor of Rory, resident of Colorado who summers in Burlington. I'm going grateful, dead shirt. Cool.

What would your weapon of choice be? I've got a a gun with a silencer, be untraceable poison, but only after courting your victim for weeks, see a bowling ball, or d your bare hands.

Okay, if anyone picks c you're off the podcast. I think probably for good.

Was that bowling ball?

That was bowling ball?

Yeah?

I feel like a little aggressive. I gotta say the move should be the poison. But a gun with a silencer does feel like it's the uniform. It fits your uniform.

And I was gonna say for me poison because I'm wearing a dead T shirt. It could I could pretend that it's like acid that I'm putting on sugar cubes for people. So I'm going with poison.

Yeah, you're right, and.

Roy, you're going with gun?

Oh? I think he has to where would he keep the bowling ball? Yeah, I can't go bowling ball. There's too much.

Al Right, what's what's your rate? A one hundred thousand dollars per kill wired to your offshore account. B one thousand dollars per hour, and a five thousand dollars retainer. See whatever your rent and electric bill is that month? Or D twenty bucks in a Panera bread gift card.

I mean, I like a I'd like to think I'm worth it, like I'd like to think I'm really good at it.

I'm charging by the hour. My time is very valuable. Okay, what I'm curious what the resolution of this is going to be?

What do we get?

You're gonna and well you have a a profile, but okay.

We'll each get an avatar and we have to use it for one year.

All right.

How are you nourishing yourself before a big day of murder?

A bars? Obviously fruit?

Okay, well there's no right in rory. A fruit and yogurt. B a perfect french omelet, C leftover pizza or d.

Milk frend JOm let, yogurt and granola. I'm just sticking I'm sticking on you're sticking with you're crunchy yepny all right?

And finally, what what song are you listening to while doing the job?

Ay, you were going to go music? I knew music was next.

A No music? You work best in silence. B Beethoven's Fifth See any Doobie Brothers song or D twist and shout see Doobies.

Yeah, Josh, I feel like you have to go Doobies. Just the profile you've built, it wouldn't make go Beethoven.

I also got to go Doobies.

It's true.

Okay, this is interesting.

I would love to know that this is what you have to fill out on renta hitman dot com, Like when when you hit the hire me section you have to write all out how you'd like to look and be. Pick your hit Man?

All right, Ror, you got mostly a's. That means you're the savant. You're precise, clean efficient. If awards were for Hitman, you'd have an egot like John Wick and Dexter combined. You're the best of the best.

Oh, I love just to hear that feels so good and feel free to use that out of context whenever you're on a bad day.

Just use that little clip in your headphone.

Yes, you the best of the.

Best, best of the best, Josh, you have a BC split, which means you're a cross between the chill guy and the cold blooded killer who kind of.

Dual personality contain multitudes.

If you're feeling chill today, you're you're kind of like if the dude had a lust for blood. You got into the gig because it pays, It pays you and you only have to work a few hours. Yeah, you don't care about the craft at all. You just want to get the job done and go back to bed. Or if you're feeling particularly artistic, you're the artist. You love crossword puzzles almost as much as you love murder. To you, every kill is a puzzle. This is your art.

You know, I'm kind of surprised with your big Lebowski lifestyle. You didn't go bowling ball.

Yeah, it's just it's hard to conceal it though it is. You're right, and you do at Yeah, it's heavy. It's meaning I would you sneak up on anybody because I and I what I learned from cartoons that i'd have to drop it from a very high floor onto someone's head.

You'd have to really coyote it out.

Right, very hard. The level of difficulty for the bowling ball very high because I'd have to drop it. And then I think, like it like you have to calculate the amount of distances. That's physics involved.

I think that's what I'm saying.

Maybe maybe you're a hitman for bowling leaks only, so you're just committing these crimes in the alley, the bowling alley.

Yeah, not a dark alley, No, No, a fun one.

Cigarettes.

You have cigarettes out there, cigarettes inside a lot of witnesses.

So in closing, no one wins or we all win.

We all win.

You learned a little bit about yourself, you know, Yeah I did that.

Rory's great, and I'm you're an artistic child and you are suggest passing the class.

Yeah, but you know you're fun to have in class.

Your fun guy. Yes, your fun guy, your joyed half.

Inclosing, everyone wins except the people who email run a hitman dot com. Oh those people, see you guys, next week, next week. Crimeless is a production of SmartLess Media, Campside Media, and Big Money Players in partnership with iHeart Podcasts. It's hosted by Rory Scobel and me Josh Deen. Our senior producer is Lane Rose. Emma Simonoff is our associate producer. This episode was written by m Simonoff and me Josh Deen. We're sound designed and engineered by Blake Brook with support

It helps people find the show and also makes us feel validated, unless you're mean, in which case keep it to yourself.

We'll see you next week.

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