Tiny Terrors vs. A Huge Bear

one humongous horror. And I'll let you decide if all the tiny terrors formed a team could a defeat the giant monster at the end of the podcast, discover this more as we answer the angel question, are snakes forbidden? Spaghetti? Joining me today are hosts of the podcast The Dogs Zone, as well as One Hot Dog That's all Right, Sean Baby and Brockway. Have you guys ever heard of t gandhi I? Uh? Is that the toxoplasmosis? Yes? Yes? Oh? Is that it's the toxoplasmos size like he said that

rules the world? Yes, And as we have talked about on the show before, t GANDHIAI or toxoplasmosis can infect rat brains that makes them unafraid of cats and possibly even attracted to cats. So romance typically yeah, yeah, So typically te Gandhi gays cycle goes like this, and it infects a rats brain, it drives the rat to seek out a cat, It gets eaten by the cat. Then Ti Gandhi I reproduces inside the cat's gut, winds up in cats poop, and then it infects rats when rats

drink food or water contaminated by the cat poop. It is quite a plan. It is an incredible plan. I love it when a plan comes together. It's it's the Hannibal of cat parasites, and on a teeny tiny scale, because they are actually unicellular protozoans under fifty micrometers small and only visible under a microscope. So quite a quite an extravagant mcgever situation for such a tiny thing that's smarter than me. And I'm like four times that says it's own and two species. I forgot to clack myself.

So researchers found that parts of the rat brain associated with sexual behavior activate when the infected rats are exposed to cat urine. So this makes rats look for cats, hoping for love, and instead they get eaten, and then the ti Gandhia can have like a couple's meat cute inside of the cat's gut. Do um, rats king shame because that's nasty. Yeah, that's a fetish stuff right there. Yeah yeah, I mean I'm thinking this situation, kink shaming

probably saves lives. Yeah, yeah, let's do it. Let's kink shame these rats, right, I mean, it's they are their kink is literally too with some cat pea and get eaten, So you need to be ashamed. What would your little rat parents say they saw you just heffing cat pee and trying to bank a cat? Yeah, I mean, you know, that'd be an awkward funeral, awkward rat funeral, like, hey, how did your rat son die? Oh? You know, like a pervert. I've been to the human equivalent of that

too many times. But I'm not here to talk about rats getting horny from cat p Weirdly enough, you brought it up the show. Don't make it look like we're the freaks. Come on, I don't know what. For whatever reason, you guys come on my podcast and somehow we start talking about cat pe and how rats get horny for it. I don't know how that happened. We will accept responsibility. We know the kind of people we are. But yeah, well you kind of you know, like it's sort of

like the Secret. You like, put things out into the universe and you get horny rats and cat p back. Yeah, that's the most chapter. Yeah, it's not in the Secret. I skimmed it, but I think that was what it said. But secret, all right, what I love it? Say it again, Say it again. It's a secretive name at m my right. Okay, okay, so when you make me repeated, no, but this is

part of the process. So what Brockway is referring to is a nineteen ninety eight I'm going to say, uh, sort of direct to video movie of a mouse who had magical powers based on flowers and they and they didn't that cat and they did have yes, they did have relations with a cat in that movie. That's not actually true. It's about a fun, magical mouse who saves her family with magic. It's a beautiful little movie, highly underrated.

And what Brockaway was doing was making an allusion to that movie in terms of what we were talking about, which was the secret and rats and cat urine, which was very clever and also ruined my precious childhood memories. So a study has recently found that rats are not the only victims of T. Gondi I. In fact, hyena cubs seemed to be another victim of this tiny, weirdo protozoan. Could this explain like Trump supporters, you know, it can never make sense of them. Could it be uf cat?

Did Trump get elected by hyena cubs? It was a close election by cat huffs. Definitely they were cat pe huffers,

no question, Alabama hyena cup got them. It's been like what twelve months, six months since the election energy So, hyena cubs infected with T. Gandhi I tended to approach lions at a much closer distance than the uninfected and these behaviors seemed to go away when they got a little older, which maybe that the ones who survived and didn't get eaten by lions learned that they might get

eaten by lions. But it's very strange because it seems that this T. Condy I may be influencing the behavior of something much larger, much more different than a rat, a literal hyena cub, which I hate to burst everyone's bubble who get all their information about lions and hyenas from the Lion King. Lions as assholes they eat hyena babies. Well, hyenas is that nature? Nature is an asshole? Right? Yeah? I mean hyenas would potentially eat a lion cub too.

But you know, I'm just saying, like the movie presented this very one sided thing of like, oh, hyenas are evil, but you know, Simba would be eating some hyena baby while the hyenas trying to eat Nala or whatever. You know what I mean. It's just like the babies all the time there, It's not w'd wake up with that word hog and Mercat And he's like, you guys have any zebra, which I always thought was like wow, that's yeah, yeah, Like, hey, I recognize you guys are probably, you know, pretty related

to a zebra. You probably interact with zebras like your neighbors, probably some zebra. Could I eat him? Can I eat and eat your neighbor? Is what he was basically asking when he was a child. Yeah. And so it gets in a hyena cub, does it affect an older hyena? Do they grow out? Of it, or is it just like uh, generally, if you get it, you're almost certain to be eaten and you don't grow out of it. Because of that reason, they do grow out of it,

but it's unclear why. If it has something to do with the brain developing and changing such that the toxoplasmosis doesn't affect anymore, or if it's purely through learning. So maybe somehow learning overrides that inclination to get close to a line because they learned, they get their your bitten off or something and they get scared. Straight kind of

thing going on like that. They have kind of every problem looks the same sort of thing, like toxoplasmosis gondae uh, just kind of looks for a bigger cat, like that's its only solution, bring you to a house cat, gonna bring you to LINEA. In fact, it's something really big

this time. Where's the biggest cat? You know? Well, you know that's interesting you bring that up because the reason that TI Gandhia only reproduces inside cat guts is that cats feelines, whether they're a house cat or a lion, are the only mammal to have available linoleic acid inside their intestines, which is an acid that T. Gandhia needs in order to reach maturity and reproduce. So there is a very specific reason that they love cat guts. But

who doesn't love cat guts? You know? Sure? I think all biology should get together and decided to eat like one thing, Like we all just eat Kelp and then we won't have to like infect anyone's brains. I can't. We all just live together bacteria, and then they only need to infect the one thing to get us. Then they just infect the help supply. It's like it's like you don't know the succeedge warfare man. Yeah, you're right,

we can't trust these microbes. I do like the idea of every living thing on the planet teaming up against KELP. I kind of like that though, Yeah, yeah, you know. It's it's like we thought it would take aliens to unite us, not its Kelp. It's weird and slimy. I'm gonna betray you guys so fast. I'm gonna go to Kelp, like almost immediately. While it was previously thought that only rodents such as mice and rats were driven by TI

Gandhia I to be ingested by cats. It turns out that maybe hyena cubs are as well, which really opens up a lot of possibilities such as how does this alter human behavior? So I know that there's a lot of kind of Internet chatter that maybe, you know, the crazy cat lady trope is caused by t gandhi I, where someone who's a cat hoarder is infected with it and it makes them want to get more cats. There's really no evidence of that, So there's like, has there

been researched? Donna have scientists said, like, dude, not gonna prove these cat ladies are crazy for a reason you found inconclusive results. No one has funded this research's been so I think there's been some research on it. I don't know if there's been any studies that have been published that are specifically about cat ladies, but I don't think whatever has been published has either been preliminary or

it's just really not pointing towards anything. But there is research that shows just a tiny amount of evidence that may indicate that people who are infected with toxoplasmosis may take more risks such as reckless driving or starting a business. Okay, it's the entrepreneur parasite. Yeah. Yeah, so the researches, I hesitate to bring it up because of the research is very threadbare, but it is super funny, So I am going to do it. I'm going to bring it up.

Oh man, we we both did just absolutely wallow in catch before we started Dog. As soon as we were done, we were just, you know, let's start a business. Yeah. I mean if you like suddenly have like some great idea for a business that you want to sink your life savings into. Like did you clean a kidty box lately? Yeah? All your best ideas happen while you while you're cleaning them the litter box. Well, I didn't say they're good ideas, right, but I think they could. Well, but that could be

you're affected with a brain paraside, though. I would be lucky if it's just one. I'll take Do Do Do Do. African Bush Cracket. I like their theme song. I'm on board with them already. I hope they're not terrible. Would incorporate PA. I have let me a interesting news for you. Here's a picture of one of these fellas. Sweet. Yeah, that's the boss, the boss of all crickets. Yeah. Yeah,

so it's big it's kind of spiny. It looks kind of like a gar puppet a little bit, you know, it's got the spikes, or like an extra from Mad Max scheme too. Yeah, sort of like a it's got like a burnt umber and then sort of a shiny, bluish black yeah. Yeah, yeah, classic. Yeah. Yeah. I've been playing a lot of outer world's. Definitely looks like some some outer worlds like Marauder armor for sure. So yeah, this is the African bush cricket. And normally crickets are

not something terrifying. They're cute little guys who chirp and jump around. But this guy kind of looks like an hr Geiger concept for the alien movies. It's uh, you know, it kind of looks like it's it's a scary I bet when he rubs those legs together it plays Metallica.

Before I go any, I was just doing the sound fack for the next thing you were saying, thank you is if the cricket was here with us, and then Broccoli could be like, wait, I think he's I think he's here, But yeah, I do want to mention before I start getting angry letters from insect biologists. Cricket biologists who are very vocal. They get mad if you insinuate anything about crickets that is not true. These are not

really crickets. They are called bush crickets because they look like a giant cricket um, but it's not a real cricket. They are actually Katie Did's. So you know, I'm one of those people who just find calling spiders bugs, you know what I mean, Like, yeah, like we have there's like these stages of bug interest where like I'm not as pedantic about it. So if they want to be calling these Katie Did's, that's fine. I'm gonna call it a cricket. Yeah it's look, you know, it looks like

a giant cricket. How can you fault someone for seeing this giant cricket with spikes and then thinking like, oh, actually, I think that's a Katie Did you know, like I'd beat out of my eye socket. Is that is Katie short for Katie Did? It is? Actually yeah, I was named after after Katie Did because Baby I was so loud and annoying. So I guess we can get like a personal reaction from you. If someone was to call you cricket, would you be like, oh, hail no, or

would you be like, you know, that's fine. Uh, I've never had it happen, and weirdly, this is the first time it's happened, and it's filled me with just uncontrollable rage. Okay, so maybe the right be These hypothetical bug nerds you may have are right, and all we had to do is just try to understand them exactly. Yeah, No, I mean I actually was. When I was a kid, my my parents called me Katie. Did's your nickname? Thank you? Yeah, how are you right about that? You had no right

to be right about that? You know, you can't believe you pulled it all. I ate a lot of cat turds, and that gave me, like the the risk taking ability to just make wild guesses about people's name origins reson resonating with the hive mind inside us. All. Yeah, we're definitely not saying on the show that if you eat cat turns you'll get better at comedy. Wink wink, wink wink, you will join the hive mind. And again, yes, it gives you that edge you need. So armored African bush

crickets look like they're wearing alien armor. They grow up to be about two inches long, which is sick two inches Yeah. Yeah, it's a meaty it's a meaty thinging. So it's like um, like a cocktail weener with legs, yeah, medium size captured like a snack ca yeah yeah, yeah, like a snack of captured. And they have a lot of spikes, a lot of spikes like I like I

explained earlier. But if that's not enough, they have extremely strong mandibles that are having a force to chew through carrion, baby birds, and even each other when they decided to be cannibals. Oh man, if I came across that thing eating a baby bird, I would just I on even think I would kill it. I would just run. I would be sure that was going to mutate into something yeah yeah, grow some wings. That is pre horror monster right there. That's when you're like, well, well what is

that thing? Let me get a closer look. There's something about insects eating birds which does happen like praying mantis is will sometimes rumming birds. There's something about it that makes me deeply comfortable. It's true. It's a it's just a gross thing, and I hate it. It feels like something like a bird is out of your league. You know, if you're an insect. Yeah, they'll have a tree lined

up with crickets. A shrike will just take them, stick them on spikes and just leaving their phone to look at. It's not even a yeah. I mean shrikes they do kind of uh, they kind of deserve it. But you know, hummingbirds don't. They don't impale anyone. They could too, they got the beak for it, but they don't, that's true. Knock their feet all over the place to get the whole place gets sticky, the whole outside, the hole outside sticky. You're working really hard to play a play a insect

devil's advocate over there. That's I always feel like that's the role I take. I don't know why a bug lawyer trader sean baby bug lawyer. That was the plot of B movie. Wasn't it that the be wanted to be a lawyer? It sounds familiar, but I don't think I've seen never said I did. I watched the movie. I have an episode on B movie debunking B movie, So I forgot what it's called, probably Scott the movie in the title, but now it was as a bug an animal enthusiasts. Do you find that pushing you to

watch terrible movies because they align with your interests? Yeah? Yeah, I've definitely watched more than one terrible movie to kind of address some of the misinformation about about insects in general. B Movie was one of them. So was Ants with the Z That was bad. Uh. I watched Boss Baby because I thought I was going to do an episode that involved Boss Baby. I don't want to explain it. So yeah, I have a lot of questions, but sorry, yeah,

that's fine, no follow up questions. I meant like, if you saw a movie about, like, say, like a wolf killing people, are you more likely to watch that than a movie about a guy killing people? Uh, even though it looks stupid. You're like, oh, because, like, because my interest in animals compels me to watch more animal content. I mean it kind of depends. Maybe, I think, like I definitely have a high higher tolerance for animals who are bad actors than humans who are bad actors. You know,

It's like, I get it, except shrikes. Although speaking of animal actors, that dog from the Thing was one of the best actors in that movie. Like, I'm not it's not a bit this isn't a bit. The way that dogs like stared in the beginning was so chilling, and that head spider was real good too. This is a bit. I don't actually think that the head spider was a

good actor. I think he was pretty good. The head spider was really giving me like a lot of like uh, Laurence Olivier, Okay, it was a little too for you. So so these uh, these armored crickets are are pretty serious business. Munching on baby birds, chewing on dead bodies,

kind of extreme. But they go a step further. They if I mean, like, if you are wild enough to want to try to attack one of these things, first, they will do stridulation, which is a very loud, buzzing noise which should be enough to get you to back off. But if that's not enough, you will be greeted with a stream of toxic blood that the armored African bush cricket squirts from its exoskeletal pores. Hell, yeah, alright, I'm

back on its side. That he would just like drain himself of his own blood though, right, we have a tactic to defeat him. You stick and move long enough and he's just completely drained himself. Well, but you're getting squirted in the eyes and mouth with disgusting, toxic blood. Not if you're rolling, if you're doing a lot of good rolls. Yeah, you'd have to, you'd have to do a lot of roles. I think. Yeah, you've got dark souls combat, you gotta just some are sault around him.

Keep some are saulting. Just Alley, you squirting all this blood. You're watching his health bar go down, Like that's how to get that Perry. So this is called auto hemorrhage. And actually technically the blood of an insect is called hemo lymph, So it is squirting toxic hamal lymph out of its exoskeletal pores. And how many of these does names? And I'm still I'm still planning, right, Yeah, I like that. How much blood? How much? How much hamal lymph is

we're in an African bush cricket like pragmatically? How many squorts does this guy have in in before? How many pumps? Well are we measuring in metric or imperial? Just like cricket. Yeah, he's pumped six times. Does he have any left in him? Yeah? I'm gonna say confidently, he's got six pumps yeah, simp cricket. I don't want to. Yeah. Uh do you qualify that as and your expert opinion? Was that a good question

or a bad question? In my expert opinion, um, as an expert on how much blood is inside an African bush cricket, very good question that I'm able to expertly answer because I definitely definitely know how much blood is inside an African bush cricket. It's one of those things I know definitely. If you had four paper towels folded over themselves and you like smashed one of these things, you need some more paper towels. That well, it depends on the and Brawny gets one of these up right

up and just one ply, you know, one square. That's what podcast read, brawny paper towels. That is the quality engineering of brawny paper towels. How you land sponsorships? Yeah, if you squash an African bush cricket and that slop is getting all over your dining room table, just one square, Brawnie. I wonder why Brawnie hasn't sponsored me yet, Viva boy and I will not stand for this. Oh, come on, we are are podcast is sponsored by the Secret of nim sex wipes and so great secret of nim dude

wipes fleshable dude wipes, they're not fleshable. How many dude wipes do you think you need after you get sprayed by some toxic hemolymph by one of these fellers. Six? Yeah, it's a six sex white cricket. It's a six white crickets wipe, six wipe cricket. That's how they measure crickets African bush crickets. How many wipes? That's a six wiper right there? See that that's a six whip or big

big game cricket hunting. But you know, if a toxic chemola streaming out at you from an angry, spiky, stridulating bush cricket is not enough to get you to go away, they will vomit at you as sort of a fine like a little chef's kiss cherry on top. Parting gift is that, No, I think he's eating some unidentifiable sort of square of yellow lemon sorbet. He's like, sure, sure, that's lemon sorbet, I'm sure it's not like some kind of animal eyeball thing. Alright, that's a good segue to

the next one. That's a good segue to something not really, but we do have to move on. Baby spiders eat snakes? Do you guess? Did you know that it doesn't sound right now? Yeah? I wouldn't have bet on that one. It had to be a really small snake in a really big spider. But in the underground flights, which I certainly don't attend, I would not have laid my money. What do you think? What do you think would win? A snake like a actual you know, snake snake, a um,

garter snake. Yeah, like a garter snake. Let's go with let's go okay, all right, keep you know, keep it, keep it, keep it in your pants. Let's go with a scarlet snake, uh, and a black or brown widow, Like who do you think? Who do you think is coming out of that snake? Getting any weapons? Got like little claws or anything we're gonna attach to. Nake gets a gun but can't hold it because the trigger with this little tail. Snake gets a snake gets no gun. No,

I shouldn't have said anything. I feel like it's just that I had a ringer in this Like how do they how do they fight? Like the snake has to land a bite, but it's against a thing that it can't hit, Whereas the spider has a chance to win, but the snake. I think the snake leaves before any bites get landed. The spider's hit box is very small, very little bit unfair. Yeah, snakes are also just armored, like that's what they are. Well, god, I say the snake,

even though you have clearly said that's not the case. Yeah, I feel like we're setting up better. We both say snakes. Snake wins. Every time snake wins, You fool, dumb stupid fools, My money, my life savings, my god, how dumb you are and how smart I am? Damn it. No, in fact, the spider often wins in that circumstance. So a recent paper was published in the Aerican Journal of our Acknology called Spiders Versus Snakes Part six basically, honestly, honestly, not

that much of an exaggeration. New observation have shown that spiders tend to have a much more colorful diet than researchers have previous previously thought. Uh, and that includes snakes. So this includes small snakes like blind snakes, which you know it's that's understandable. They're they're like tight snakes. They kind of look like earthworms. Sometimes they're so small, so it's like, all right, that's yeah, okay, that's technically baby

snakes again, kind of a little bit unfair. Uh. Spiders also eat things like earthworms, velvet worms, which is very sad because I love velvet worms. They're adorable, bristle worms, gastropods, crustaceans, bats, small rodents, and small amphibians. Checking the like the stool of these spiders, or they like watching them take out a bat, watching them take them out. That's a pretty good job. Yeah, yeah, you tell your boss like, yes, I'm late to work. You know, I was watching a

spider killer bat. It took him forty seven days to do it. That'd be cool if your job was just watching spiders kill stuff. That spider's got the size advantage on that snake, I would say it does. But click on click on that link, because they're definitely I don't read. I don't have to read a lot of cat turns. Who reads on the internet anymore. You just look at the image and you make an assumption. There's a whole

gallery of spiders just challenging. Yeah, that second. That second photo is like, that's the fight I was picturing, and that is not the result I was picturing. So yes, listen, that spider basically never has to eat like it again, like that that's a hoarder. That's a hoarding spider. Yeah, yeah, well gonna bunk her up. It's a costco run. Yeah no, that's a that is like that is the giant bucket

of cheese puffs of the spider kingdom. I'll never get through this, and then like to wait till like, holy god, damn, I got through that just one binge watching of I think you should leave and it's gone. Yeah. So thirty species of spiders have been found to eat snakes. Uh, Like we've mentioned, it is sometimes truly astonishing, like a brown widow eating a scarlet snake many times her size.

So scarlet snake is kind of looks a lot like a corn snake, same size basically, So that's just and and you know, black widows and brown widows are kind of scary for a spider, but they're still very small, so it can eat something up to thirty times her own body weight, and she does this by ensnaring the snake in her extremely viscous and sticky web, and as it gets stuck in that, she starts encasing it in more threads and then bites it multiple times with her

potent neurotoxin. And once the snake is down for the count, the brown widow or black widow will actually hoist her prey up off the ground to eat, like she's holding up a big old fish. But then she can just kind of eat it at her leisure lounge it and snack over. It's like a hammock and a snack. I know. It's like a bed you can eat. They make like a couch. How to cheese puffs perfect, It's like if you could sleep on a giant hot dog. Yeah, well,

ye all right. Tarantula's also eat snakes, and they will also the ones that have a toxic bite will use their neurotoxin to immobilize the sneak long enough to eat it. Sometimes these spiders literally suck all its juices out, like it's a go gurt. Just holds on one end and just kind of sucks all sucks it out. Just Keg

stands that snake. Keg stands a snake, describing like the eating habits of spiders is very much convincing of someone that there is no God, I think, like and it's I think the kind of person who could design a spider and the way it captures its prey and eats its prey is just a monster. Yeah, but what if God is just all right? That would make a lot of you know, I mean, just got the size wrong. They were meant to be like bigger than humans and

rule the world. Yeah. Yeah, maybe heaven is for spiders and this is sort of their purgatory, right, their trials they have to kind of contend with, and those religious makes a lot more sense through the lens of like spider eyes. Yeah, exactly right. How does how does God see everything at once? Just got a billion spider eyes? Spider eyes spider eyes. Tarantulas have been found to kill even pit vipers, so truly truly kind of a spider David and Goliath situations here. Can't help but feel proud

of the spiders. I like at the at the very end of this gallery, the scientists threw one to the snake and showed the snake eating spider just just like twenty nine images of snakes getting owned by spiders, and then the very last one is a really just quack eating grin on the snake, just like, yeah, there's a picture of the research you're eating cat turns straight out of the litter box a lot. I've got an idea

for a business. Spy is eating snakes emporium. Come on down, a hundred percent deals on a hundred percent spiders eating snakes. It's just come to me. So we talk about the little things, the little little the little guys in life that you may underestimate turn out to be terrifying. Uh, I'm just gonna switch it up and this time talking about something that's big and scary. You know, no surprises,

no surprises. You know. Sometimes it's like I think a lot of times on the show and like I'm going to blow your mind, Like you wouldn't think this would be scary, but it is. This time, I'm just gonna play it straight with you guys. This is a big old bear and it's terrifying. Sweet I look at a big bear. Yeah, but it is all right. So you know, bears are big, right, modern day bears they're big. They

absolutely can kill you. I think when I was on your podcast, we talked about that pole where some people thought they could fight a bear. She's absolutely not your people on this planet. I think that they can beat anything on this point. Yeah, they think they can beat a bear. That's not true. I don't think anyone stands a chance against Uh. I mean, if we're talking about like a sun bear, like a little bear. Maybe, if we're talking about, you know, grizzly bear. I believe it

was specifically grizzly. It was Grizzly in the Grizzly Bear. Yeah, no way, no, you're due. But we didn't always have it this good, you know, with only certain death coming from a grizzly bear. Uh. There used to be a gigantic just completely nuts. I can't begin to describe. Well, I guess I can here it is. It was called a giant short faced bear, and it was the largest carniver is mammalian apex predator to ever roam North America. That is a lot of qualifications. Yeah, he's the largest

killer eighteen to thirty five in the women's division. P. Ninety two. If you look at like a giant monster bear and you're like, I'm gonna call it a short faced bear, like you're you're digging on that bear, right, You're just you're sticking it to him a little bit. Well, all right, so I can simplify it a bit. It is one of the largest carnivorous mammalians in the world, and certainly the largest carnivore, uh carnivorous mammalian to ever

be in North America. But it's it's it's it's long dead, right, Like I don't have to buy a bunker now, well, no, but we did. It's not one of those things. Was like, it died a long time ago. Humans never had to deal with us. Our ancestors had to tangle with this guy because it only went x dinked around eleven thousand years ago, and humans were in North America at least fourteen thousand years ago. So we absolutely probably we're hunted

by these just absolutely nightmare massive eating machines. I would have betrayed my own kind so fast inside of with that bear. You would have gone bear. Yeah, yeah, it would have gone team bear so quick. Dressed like a beautiful bear woman, you who out with like a little bow tie in here, because you know that's how that's how you do it. Like you you dressed as a bear, but you got like a little little pink bow behind one of your ears works every time. Yeah, I'm on

that guy's side. Just the image, and I'm one of those guys sitting behind with the bear. I'm I'm on that team. Yeah, team of traders right there. I do like I like this idea of this job interview you're having with this big bear where it's like our teld me about your qualifications and it's kind of salivating and measuring. You know, I'm real and I don't have any love from my fellow humans. I could get you. I don't know,

like three kids, three kids a day. Probably I'd say I go, I go great with mustard eat me, and then I would go a jump kick and that would be my last decision. Jack knife in there. That's awesome. D have You'd have a few sort of prehistoric legends about you for everyone else. Tell everyone else in your claim gets eaten. Yeah. Uh so, let's let's talk a little bit about this bear. It weighed over one short ton about two thousand reference to his face. Uh, are

you trying to dis this bear? Yeah? I feel like the name of the bear is trying to diss the bear, Like whoever named the first Well, it's called a short faced barry guys, because it's it's face. It's got kind of a shorter muggle than modern day bear. But that's not the most remarkable thing this bear. I would have

called it the enormous monster bear. I like that when you guys would have been getting eaten by this bear back, you know, fourteen thousand years ago, and like it's got your leg like in its mouth, bent at an impossible angle, and you're like, like, your face is short, and it's like, I could I have to do a lot of chew in their buddy. Come on, stop it half your size with faces twice as long. Are you kidding? I was born those way. You guys are seriously not funny. Their

entire torso in its mouth. Yeah, so standing on its hind legs, it reached up to twelve feet tall or three point seven meters. When you look at these human beings beside it. These are all adult men. Uh, they get up about to the bears like thigh. I like that. It's it's Paul is the size of all four of their heads put together. That's a forehead. Paul. I could just swipe off four heads at one. Yeah, I could just like kind of grab four human heads and take

out a bunch of barbershop quartet just one fan. Have you ever thought I'd get eaten by it? So if you could do, like, if you could do spectacular dunks, like if you can like put your elbow in the rim like Vince Carter style, then you could when this bear is reared up, jump up and like jam an apple into his mouth or something. But I'm saying it would take a spectacular like super dunker. He's got to respect that movie. He's got faced guy in the face

while he's reared up. Yeah, yeah, you'd have to. I don't even know how. Yeah, I think you have to have one of the tallest basketball players in the world with some of the best dunks to like dunka dunca one of these giant, short faced bears in the mouth. Right, maybe Tony Chock could kick him in the face. Like you need to like do some sort of an acrobatic move. Yeah, you know, you just have handsprings to get speed going.

If you want to three guys Jackie Chan on each other's shoulders, that's right, Jackie Chan could like run up. Oh yeah, Jackie Chan. Yeah, that's the only human actually who could survive. This would be Jackie Chan little known fact, little Loan. That's why their face is short, Ancient Jackie Chan's that was striped in well, Jackie Chan has been alive for you know, it's pretty since yeah, fourteen thousand years. So thats so, so when it's like standing on its

hind legs, it is just ridiculously enormous. So you might think like, okay, but that's not fair because these bears are really bipedal. They walk on all fours most of the time. Probably even when it's walking on all fours, it's still six ft tall, it's still one point eight meters tall. So when this bear is just like standing bear style, it's still as tall as like a tall man. It's pretty ridiculous. Yeah, no joke. Uh. And it also, oh, hey, guess what could run up to forty miles per hour

seventy kilometers per hour, so it's great. So that's like a five second dash. Yeah that's fast. Yeah, it's you know, that's world record fast. Imagine driving your car forty miles per hour, like you know, and then there's just a bear just trotting alongside it, and it's the size of your car. That's kind of the situation. Yeah, yeah, does that mean they like if they ran full speed into a tree though, like I mean they die right, Yeah, they'd wrap around that tree, saying tree, I think you'd

take out the tree. You'd probably take out the tree. You want to do some roadrunner stout traps, You want to paint a tunnel on a on a rock, that type of thing. That's how you take out this bear. Yeah, we're talking how we take out the bear because I got a good plan. Let me hear it. The bear. Yeah, you you immediately flip, all right, you go team bear and you just you feed him kid. You feed him

so many kids. You feed him the best kids. Like this guy cannot believe the quality of children that you believe that you bring it for, like until until he's just he's so fat with kids and he loves he loves us. He trusted implicitly. Then you poison the last kid. Oh how you do it? Yeah? I had kill a bear with only seventy kids. That's a that's a really h that's a great plan to have on record. Just poison a bunch of kids, feed the bear one of the other kids. Yeah, sorry, you only said what poison

one kid. I'm sorry, right, and you don't you don't like you just bring him to the bear? You know, you don't have to kill them? Nothing wrong with me, he's the murder right. This is like a trolley problem, Like are you actually murdering the children if you just bring him to a bear that will most certainly eat them immediately? Just like people? Yeah, this is that. The trolley problem is like do you divert the trolley from one side the train tracks? Or do you just feed

a bunch of people to a giant bear? You feed a bunch of people, do a giant bear? Exactly? That's what That's the clear moral choice. That's when philosophers still talk about it because there's no clear right answer. I think when I talk about big things, it's kind of hard to get like perspective because it's just like, wow, that's just like a big thing. Uh. Comparing Let's compare it to like modern day current bears, because the largest living bears are Kodiak bears and polar bears of Alaska

and the Arctic. Uh. Kodiak bears way up to only a little over half of the giant short faced bear and polar bears are still much smaller than the giant short faced bears. Five hundred pounds smaller than the giant short faced bears and polar bears. Standing on their hind legs, uh kind of reach a maximum of only around three ms or nine ft tall, So they are still three feet shorter than a giant short faced bear. So they would look like a cute little bear compared to this guy.

This is the shock of bears. It is. Yeah, it's kind of maybe when you know nature was sort of sorting things out fourteen thousand years ago, they're like, oh, well, we'll put this guy in. It's kind of scary, and it was just too scary. It was too scary to stick stick around. Is that what happened that humans hunted did because they were like so scared of it? Or is it just too hard to eat when you're that big, because that dude must eat like eight der a day.

I've seen theories that rain from humans potentially sometimes hunting them, I guess in groups. I don't know how that worked, but kids gotta gotta feed of kids just just put like a tie a child onto a stick and then hold it up to the bear. Well, from understanding the extension of the mammoth properly, like their basic evolutionary goal was to be so big nothing could hurt them. But humans would get together in big groups and like rodeo,

murder him. And they, of course could murder a mammoth in like a couple of hours, whereas a mammoth took like eighteen months to gest date or whatever it took. So obviously you do that bath long enough and there's no more mammoths. Maybe that's the deal with this bear because of it, one of these bears is pregnant for like a good year and a half two years and then during gestation probably shorter than an shorter than a mammoth, because elephants have a really long gest station, and I

think bears have a much shorter gestation. So it's not necessarily only size that the termons the length of gestation. It's just the elephants, uh to have a pretty long one. Putting myself in the mind of someone who lives near this bear, and there's if they have the same hibernation pattern his bear, I'm like, Okay, I'm waiting until it's cold and then I'm gonna sneak into that bear's cave and for sure murdering it. Like that's all I think about all day long. People will be like, shut up

about the bear. I'm like, no, no, no no, buddy, We're gonna get this bear as soon as winter comes. I'd obsess over it. And I feel like I'm not alone. Your ancestors are the ones that did this. Your bear obsessed to ancestors. You've got that gene. You can just feel it right now. Let's see that. It's either we do this now while let's just sleep, or he eats a whole family later when he wakes up. Man, we gotta we it's we gotta collect some berries. No, no, no,

we're drawn up plants. Bear plants. They planned for the bear. We gotta fortifier berries. Yeah, it's There's also the theory that these bears were killed off because of the ice age and they just couldn't hack it, which, you know, sort of funny to me that these big old jocks just couldn't stand a little bit of cold. Yeah, too cold for you, giant bear. Maybe your face was longer, you could handle it. But now now the global warmings here and we're warming back up, they get to come back.

That's how that works right. Probably one of these got frozen in the black eyes and it's gonna thaw because global warming. Bear's gonna pop out. It's gonna be alive somehow. We're gonna clone it. We're gonna bringe. You know, why why didn't Jurassic Park have more big giant mammals from back in the day? Should have been should have been the sequel? Yeah, the giantastic the giant like New Zealand Australian eagle thing. Yeah, the moa been called for Assic Park. Guys,

I don't think you heard me. I said fur as sic Park, but you said we're not allowed to glick. Yeah, I'm gonna click you on your own podet. Nobody knows what clicking is on this podcast. It's well, they're going to look it up. Well, I don't know, Phil, It's as Katie Golden might put it. Jiminy Glick was a character played by Martin Short years ago on his own

talk show called Jiminy Glick. And he would interview uh celebrities and and he would sometimes go to it and then he would talk like this, and then he would talk like this when he found something delightful, right, and what Sean Brockway do on their podcast is they use that as a way to intimidate the guest when the guest makes kind of a dumb joke, for a silly joke, you know, it's my way of letting someone know that the thing they did was cute, but I don't know

how to engage with cute, So it's my defense mechanism. It's a way of sort of bringing the conversation to a screeching halt. Obviously, it's not for everybody, and Katie has is carrying around a lot of hostilities from a time my glicked turk, but I think it's perfectly accurate, and that's what I love about it. Yeah, well, you know, so now everybody knows. You can definitely catch more glicks on Sean and Brockway's podcast. The Dog as the Zone.

That's how you pronounce it, right, Yes, that is proper pronunciation. I wish more people would do it. Yeah, yeah, but that's that's where you'll find all the glickable moments. The Dog Zone. Nine thousands, you gotta you gotta add the nine thousand. There's probably nine thousand. Yeah, yeah, but yeah, we're yeah, well we're kind of at the end of

the episode. So it's time for plugs anyways. But before we do go, what do you guys think if you know, giant bear versus say we teamed up the T Gandhi I snaking spiders and the you know, armored African bush crickets, and you've got an army of those guys versus giant bear ins If we got T. GANDHIA on our side, then I think we could do it. We infect him with it, and then he just really wants to go. He'll find a bigger cat. I mean, we don't know,

he'll find a terribly stupid bear. Business just be ruined and just completely throw his life away. You guys, listen. It's a shirt that's also pants, says Big Johnson on it. Yeah, guys, it really need you to buy one of these. I got everything put into this. It's an energy drink, but it's also marrow wuana. We're listening all right now. I'm back home, Team Bear. I hope the bear wins. I if I'm picking the cause of my death, I'd rather fight this bear than just a dystopian dark future or

a bunch of crickets squirting acid blood at me. I do wonder if we reframe climate change and global warming as a giant bear is coming to like our araces off. You just call it bear weather. There will be a giant bear that thaws. Yeah, there's at least seven or these waiting to thaw. Approach and bear weather. It's almost bare leather, you guys. We have to tackle this. Yeah,

it's almost bare times. The thaw in the Arctic is getting to the point where under the perma frost, we're going to find some of these bears and they're gonna, you know, come back the well rested, super hungry. Yeah. Yeah, they're hungry, hungry bears. They're the size of like three three dudes and uh probably actually more like five dudes, and they're gonna start eating eating children that they're Brockway

and Sean is helpfully supplying to the bear. Just me, just okay, nobody else still out on my team, me against the world. All right, Well, you know im, but I'm clearly going to betray you whoever is bringing the free market, of whoever is bringing the bear the most children, and that's what Well, no, I agree, I think t Gandhia I probably probably would beat the bear just on its own because they would be too busy halfing cat cap p to do anything, you know, really heard self esteem? Yeah,

so funny, so funny. My face is like this and I can't help it. I can't help with sniff capy bear and sell. Well what better way to promote your podcast, which is all about bear and cells than that? So? So where can people find you? Guys? Oh, we are available hot Dog. Yeah, and our podcast is The Dogs h and um, yeah, I guess that's it. You have a podcast, and you have a publication, an online publication that has numerous interesting articles and and ways to divert

your attention in for hours on end. Yeah we run. We run free ones every week if you just want to go check them out the freeloader. But yeah, yeah we do. We do have pay content that is just far superior. Yeah, so goods what you get for not we're not paying the piper. We're just so funny every day is the point? Not today? But well but this is mainly yeah, that's yeah, yeah, it's I mean, you know, this is not a humor podcast. It's just it's about

big bears, and that's very serious. It's not nothing to laugh about, nothing to joke about about barren cells. It's about barren cells. You can contact me well. You can find me on the internet at Creature feature Pod on Instagram at Creature feet Pod on Twitter. That's f e T not the eats very different. If you want to send me in questions concerns about giant bears. If you are a giant bear and you'd like to make an alliance with me and not Broadway, you can send an

email at Creature feature Pot at gmail dot com. I'm on the internet too, at Katie Golden. Uh, just typing out Katie thoughts. Don't expect too much from it, just random Katie thoughts. They're not always great, but they're there for you to view if you want. On Twitter. And thanks to the Space Classacks for their super awesome song Exo.

Luminous Creature features a production of I Heart Radio. For more podcasts like the one you just heard, visit the I Heart Radio app Apple podcast or Hey gus, what where have you listen your favorite shows? I'm gonna tell you where to listen to your podcasts, not some kind of giant bear that's eating your