Leg Day

Welcome to Creature Future production of iHeartRadio. I'm your host of Mini Parasites, Katie Golden. I studied psychology and evolutionary biology, and today on the show, don't skip leg Day because we are talking about animals with the chunkiest, buffust and most impressive legs in the world. These animals are powered by two potent legs that will take them on interesting paths, to say the least. Joining me today is comedian TV writer, creator of Comedy Central digital series Gone Native, and a

Yeah, hey everybody, thanks so much for having me Katie, and I gotta say I'm very excited to talk about today's episode. This isn't something I posted a to on social media, but I started working out with a personal trainer at the beginning of the year, and because of that, I've basically been in this losing battle over the past year of trying not to make working out my entire personality. So I feel like leg Day is something that I'm well versed in. I'm really excited to talk about this.

Too have a personal trainer. Her name is Cookie, and she strongly encourages me to go on walks every day and to also rub her belly. That's a particular exercise that she says is really good for like my wrist control or something. Anyways, Yeah, so I am very very much super swoll in every sense.

Yeah, since this is an audio medium, it's good to note that both of us are just totally jacked right now. Yeah, it's very very buff yoke.

It's hard to podcast because our biceps keep bonking into the microphone.

Yeah you know, I mean I am definitely like just I'm definitely lifting just metal weights right now while we're talking about it, And it's like, so you're gonna have to edit all those clangs out.

Absolutely, my glutes are so like iron, just like rock solid. I keep rolling off the chair. But yeah, today we aren't going to talk about how amazing both of our glutes and hamstrings and various other leg things are, which, believe me, they are. It's grotesque how muscular we are. It's actually disgusting.

Yeah, it's no longer attractive or visually a pleaser. It's like you'll look you'll look at us and run in horror.

It looks it looks like an akira situation is sort of meat a meat tornado. It's not good. Uh, and it hurts really bad. So uh, yes, but we are talking about animals that have incredible legs and uh maybe not necessarily in proportion with the rest of them. So, for instance, our first little contestant in this leg contest is the frog legged leaf beetle or Sagra buchetti. Yeah, frog legged leaf beetle, which kind of sounds like an insult to be honest, Like it's got that cadence of

I feel like if somebody called me a frog leg like leaf beetle, I would immediately be like, wait are you talking? Is that because my legs are big or because my legs are weird? Because one of those compliments is not a compliment.

Yeah, it sounds like an obscure insult, but it is in fact a bee with some of the hammiest, chunkiest legs. He's on a real pair of tree stumps. The especially the males, they have these big honk and hind legs. So, Joey, I did share with you a photo of these. These are the ones that look like a rainbow threw up on a beetle and then gave it incredible, incredible legs.

Yeah, I feel like that beetle. It needs to be said. It looks like I, he or she is wearing just fantastic leggings. They really accentuate the you know, the glutes and the other leg muscles. Glutes is the only one that I could think.

Of out Yes, glutes and thighs. And you know, I don't think the insects really have these kinds of things, Like I believe the muscles of the human leg do not exactly match up to the muscles of the beetle leg But yes, they do have really chunky legs, and they are iridescent. They are these beautiful shimmering colors of like greens and magentas and blues and reds and yellows. It's it's iridescent, so as they as they shift, like as the light hits them, they will sort of have

Yeah, yeah, I mean these beetles they just like look fantastic, Like you mentioned, like the coloring on them is so cool. They really look like I could see them at home in like an eighties workout video. Like it feels like it's like that type of like leotard and like legging set up. So I gotta say that Beadle looks like they're just like living their truth. And I'm so happy for them.

It's giving Jane Fonda, it's giving Richard Simmons, uh for sure, just iridescent eighties body suit. And yeah, you would think that they would use these legs for a bunch of like cool acrobatic jumps and stuff, but they're actually not used for jumping. They seem to be used for gripping onto vines as they climb trees in their native Jungles of southeast Asia, but it seems like overkill. And so there's this mystery of why are their legs so big

On here, so they basically just like leg wrestle with other males.

I mean, that is the theory. What's interesting is that none of these wrestling matches have actually ever been observed directly by modern researchers. So there is quite possibly this rainbow iridescent fight club that's really secret of beetles with like the juiciest thighs ever, just going completely ham on each other.

Why is that not like a UFC style pay per view situation?

I would, I mean, it's just so sad to me that this has not been caught on camera. I feel like we need to fund this research until we do have a video of these iridescent beetles doing. I wish I knew wrestling terms. I'm going to say a screwdriver is one of them, A half nelson, a rotating windmill. Gary Busey, I don't know, man, I don't know what wrestling is.

Yeah, actually, okay, So the reason that I got a personal trainer at the beginning of the year is that I actually wrestled in my first and only pro wrestling match in March. Really yeah, yeah, And now that I think about it, I feel like this beatles shell looks a lot like my wrestling team. That was honestly the part I like, you know, we worked with actual wrestlers and train had to wrestler with me and a couple of my friends. We wrestled like a tag team match.

Those so hus As a professional wrestler, how much is legs involved in wrestling? Like, how much of it is legs? How much of it is arms?

I would say it's all. It's all, it's all legs every move. I mean, actually, honestly, that's not inaccurate because it's like every move you're basically like acting as kind of like the base for your opponent, like wrestling is, you know, like professional wrestling is you know, predetermined. These wrestlings actually trying to kill each other. I know, no, I spoiled it. These wrestlers aren't actually trying to kill each other. So because of that, it's like oftentimes they

So those these Beetles have it figured all out. Yeah, yeah, any any chance you could change your team name to the frog leg Leaf Beetles.

I mean, look, we're still so far we have not won a single match, so I don't think people would be sad if we changed our team.

What is your team name right now?

Okay, so our team name is the Hat Boys, and we're basically three guys who entirely have hat based offense. So we'll like put on a sleeping cap and then put it on our opponent and the'll fall asleep. Or we'll like jump on the top rope with a propeller hat on and then spin the propeller and then time off the top rope. Yeah. Yeah, so it's uh, let's just say we don't win a lot for ever. So hat based offense not very offencive.

Hey, guys, heels or protagonists.

Okay, So honestly we were supposed to be heels like bad guys in our in our match, but we did this gimmick where we bought like I bought, like, you know, several hundred, like you know, cheap baseball caps on Amazon. So every audience member as they walked in, they got a free hat from the hat boys. So like, once our entrance music hit and we came out, we got just the biggest baby face, good guy pop that you've ever heard in your life.

Wow.

So we were like, oh, I guess we're good guys.

Yeah. I mean bribery works when you.

Have hat I did. Yah. Yeah, people people like hats. That's that was my big takeaway.

So you might be wondering if we've never observed these beetles actually leg wrestling, Like, why do researchers think that it's may be the case. Well, we have actually observed this in other species of beetles. So there are other species of beetles that have oversized back legs, and they do use these in leg battles, and they have been

Okay, so I'm really quick on the frog like leaf beetle. I think it would be Is it ever happened in science where scientists have not observed something but they've just like written it down as a scientific discovery because they're like it would be cool if they did that.

I mean, they're not supposed to. They're not really supposed to do that. Have they done it? I can't say, but they're not. I mean certainly old timey scientists did do stuff like that, for sure, but modern I think that there's there's more of a system to call you on your bs if you just say, yeah, I think it did this.

Yeah. So the leaf footed beetle, Yeah, I gotta say this thing. If I ran into this thing in an alley, I'd be pretty terrified. It's got like just very very big, long hind legs that are like significantly beefier than it's other legs. Yeah, it's got this kind of fun orange and black Halloween motif.

Yeah. So the species Leptoglosses estrallas also know and as passion find bugs, have been observed engaging in leg wrestling.

Okay, So my question is when they do that, do they do it to the death or do they just do it until one of them gets bored and it's like you win? Or is there a little beetle referee with a little shirt.

So they will do it to the knocking one of the beetles off of that area, discouraging, scaring of off one of the beatles. Sometimes they will do it to the injury of oops, I rip your leg off. So yeah, it can get quite serious. There's another species that is particularly agro when it comes to these leg wrestling, the giant leaf food footed bugs also use their hefty legs to fight each other, including females who will sort of

So it's probably like a figure four leg lock. But what I love about the giant leaf footed bug is that, like you mentioned, the previous two bugs, pretty much like their legs are primarily used for you know, like mating and defending and mating, Whereas it feels like the giant leaf footed bug like on some level it just likes to fight pretty much.

It seems they're very pugnacious. I mean it has something to do with mating, right, because the males do fight each other, but the females also use them to fight each other. So it's just they like, they like a good a good wrestle, They like a good tussle.

Yeah, yeah, that's good. Maybe they should they should have less creatine powder. I think that's I'm angry.

I mean, they are so they are so agro that sometimes the battles, particularly with the male to male, like they become so fierce they forget their primary goal of mating with females and they just keep fighting at the cost of mini mating opportunities. Uh, and like ripping each other's legs off, and then they actually don't end up mating. It's just that they rode down too hard.

Well, I mean now that, now that I'm looking a little bit closer, it does look like they're wearing tiny and hardy T shirts and tap out pants. Yeah so yeah, so yeah, it doesn't make sense. This all tracks.

You see this beetle take its flannel off, and you know, uh, nothing good is going to happen.

Yeah, he was listening to some Joe Rogan before this just real fired up.

Well, we're going to take a quick break and when we get back, we're going to talk about another set of gargantuan gambs in the animal kingdom. All right, so we are back. And when you think of a bird who can walk the runway, uh, do you have anything that comes to mind?

A bird that can rock they can walk the runway. I'm gonna say I'm thinking peacocks. Peacocks definitely, like you know, have really great feathers and look very fashionable. I'm gonna say, uh, let's see, like flamingos. I feel like flamingos have legs for days. You know, I think that there are a lot of like long legged birds that I could think of that. You know, if I saw them on the runway, my immediate thought would be, yeah, this work.

Well. Have you ever seen a secretary bird?

I don't think I ever have seen a secretary bird.

They are incredible birds that look like they are just built for fashion week. They have the most runway ready legs, They have these long eyelashes, they have orange eyeshadow. They're this lovely white gray and black color, and they have long, long legs, legs for days, and their black feathers kind of like they go down their thighs a little bit, so they look like they're wearing short yoga pants, and they absolutely do quite literally as well, because these are

So I'm looking at a picture of the secretary bird. I really love the the the orange eyeshadow situation. It kind of looks like the birds are wearing just like a tiny little mask, so that like it's trying to be incognito. It doesn't want anybody to know. It's true.

Masquerade.

Yeah, yes, masquerade. The yoga pants, very good luck. The feathers, all of us, you know, all of this is is just marvelous.

It's also got a fancy crest of feathers that can pop up. It is probably both in terms of mating to make them attractive, but also to help shield their eyes. It's like a very sexy visor.

Yeah. Those those eyelashes are nuts. Like they like fake eyelashes.

They totally win the eyelash game. I could never not, like, I would need I don't know, some kind of like eyelash surgery to get to the level of eyelash that these magnificent birds have. Yeah, so they are. They are quite I mean they are called secretary bird. Its kind of a sexist name in a way because it's just like, oh yeah, they're like they're like, you're hot, secretary. They have the long eyelashes.

I feel like that's that's something that's so I guess like funny and sad about the world. Is like you look at something and you think, like you know, like the name of an animal or something like that, and you think, oh, it's kind of cute, and then you're like, oh, that's deeply rooted in misogyny, got it.

Yeah, so they have these really long legs. Specifically, they have a long tarsus. So the tarsus like on this bird is similar to our shin bones in function, but it's actually a different part of the leg entirely. The birds like it looks like they have backwards knees, but that's actually the bird's ankles and their real knees are

Okay, so well that's really interesting. So tell me about in this picture that you shared me with me of the secretary bird. It's just absolutely wrecking a snake. Yeah, so so please tell me more about its combat capabilities.

Yes, so it is. These long legs are not just to impress. These are battle legs. So in the grasslands of sub Saharan Africa, where these birds live, they will walk the planes and go hunting. And they are actually the tallest wrapped in the world. They are over four feet tall, which is well over Yeah. No, they're they're they're quite tall. They're impressive. They actually have to bend their legs and stoop to drink water like it's it's a it's a. They have a lot of tall privilege.

So question, do you think that the reason that it doesn't fly everywhere is partly because like it, it knows how good its legs are. So it's just showing off.

I mean, if you got it, flawn it, I mean really really it is because of this hunting strategy, because they are walking and stalking and then they see something move and then they just stomp on it until they've got themselves like a lizard pancake to eat.

I feel like it's it's the sort of thing where it's like, if you have big biceps, why would you wear sleeves? Like I think it's worth those situations.

Right, Like if you've got big butt, why would you wear pants?

Yeah, totally. Yeah.

I've tried to argue this in front of a judge many times.

Yeah, and the judge, you know, the judge almost bends.

Yeah. But yeah, So for these birds, these thick thighs do end lives. They're interesting because you know, earlier we were talking about sexual dimorphism with the frog legged leaf beetle. With these ones, they actually are quite similar to each other, and they both try to impress one another during mating rituals, so they'll fly around and they do like mating displays on the ground where they kind of chase each other.

Ah relationship goals, so.

Kind of in a scary twist. There's some speculation that terror birds, which is an extinct family of huge birds that had some species that grew to be over three meters tall that's about ten feet tall, may have used a similar hunting strategy. Now, to be clear, these terror birds are not related to modern day secretary birds. They were found in South and North America. They went extinct

So I just love the insinuation that the reason that they're called terror birds is that an archaeologist, when they were dusting up the bird's bones, they saw how big it is and went.

I mean, that's pretty much it. They're like they're scary glasses, got all fogged fogged up. Yeah yeah, Ty like spun around and shock.

Yeah, he like ran and hid behind a desk or something like that.

Oh, we're so mean to paleontologists.

Hey, if they if they wanted, if they look, if they didn't want us to make fun of them. They shouldn't have been scared by a bird skeleton. That's all I'm saying.

Were you scared by a bird? A tim foot tall bird.

Not even a living bird?

Yeah? All right, we're going to take a quick break and then when we come back, we're going to talk about the Jesus lizard. All right, Joey, We're going to talk about something called the Jesus lizard. Can you guess why it's called a Jesus lizard?

It can turn water into wine and led to the creation of let's just say a kind of problematic.

Yeah, man, I wish. So the Jesus lizard is called this because they can walk on water. Really, they can sprint on water. So if you imagine Jesus calmly walking on water, it's more of a desperate sprint situation. The key is speed here, So this is also known as the water walking basilisk. It's found in Central and South America, and it's pretty cool looking. There's a few species of it. They've got all in common. They have sort of like a sail that runs dorsally along its body in a crest.

So what I love about Jesus lizards if you watch a video of them running across water, they oftentimes have this open mouth look on their face where it's like you know that they know what they're doing is an affront to God, and they're just like, oh no, oh, no, no, I don't know how I'm doing this either.

They're running away from evangelists.

So I really want to see, Like, look, if anybody wants to, like put some fan art together of Jesus running on the water with the same level of just like I would say, confusion and terror of Jesus lizard, that would be very funny.

The same sort of stride with like big sandals that slap on the water, had a bicycle like to and fro. Yeah, very I would like to see this as well.

It's not a calm walk. This is a very panicked walk.

It is very much so. They they're not tiny. They can reach up to be around two and a half feet long, that's about seventy centimeters. So when they are running, they run bi pedally and this sort of side to side wobble that kind of looks like they're riding an invisible bike, which I think is probably another miracle that Jesus did riding an invisible bike. He's got your nose. He can do it all, just various party tricks. So they can run on water, and they can accomplish this

Oh, just like how Jesus did it.

Just like how Jesus did it, his legs kind of bicycled.

What I think is really interesting about that is that, like I imagine, if that's how they walk on water, they probably can't stand on water.

Yeah, they can't.

They need motion to do it.

Yeah. In fact, they can only run around sixty feet or twenty meters before they get tired and they start sinking into the water.

I mean, I feel like I feel like pre working with a personal trainer, that was about how far I could run just normally.

Just normally, just on ground. Again, and they can run pretty fast. They can run around fifteen miles an hour or twenty four kilometers per hour, which may not sound super impressive, but for something that's only around two and a half feet long, like that's quite fast.

The average human can run like twenty five to thirty miles an hour, so it's like that's like, not, that's not that much slower than people yeah.

Yeah, and it's on water, so you know, it's like, yeah, totally, let's not be too smug here. Yes we can run faster, but we can't do it on water. But yeah, so it has these very powerful leg muscles that allow it to run sort of sprint really fast. That gives it that slapping motion on the water, keeps it buoyant, and it mostly uses the skill to evade predators because the problem with swimming is swimming is slower. You're also more at risk of getting chewed on by something in the water.

Also, if you swim, you get your clothes wet. You've got to either throw them in the dryer or leaveing the hang dry. So like, I feel like the Jesus lizard really really has practicality in mind when they're running across the water.

Yeah. I mean, if you're a jaguar and you just like got your hair done, like that's that's super annoying.

Yeah.

Yeah, so yeah, this is you know, their legs, their thighs performed miracles of running across the water and somehow we don't have a cult around this lizard that makes people get mad at other people for being gay. It's weird.

Yeah, I feel like the Jesus lizard cult is probably very tolerant and very accepting of people how they are.

Like we have. Uh, there are entire species of lizards where they're all females, and so, you know, like I think that there has to be some tolerance among lizards of you know, breaking gender, heteronormative Uh, you know tradition.

That I say.

Hell yeah, Well before we go, Uh, we're gonna play a little game. Do you'll play a little game?

Yeah? I'm excited about this.

This is the Mystery Animal Sound game. Yess who's squawking? Every week I play mister Animal Sound, and you the listener, and you the guest, try to guess who is making that sound. It can be any animal in the world or out of the world, probably still in the world. But I'm not gonna make any promises. So, uh, last week's Mystery Animals sound hint was this, You'd better not step over the line with this grounded animal. All right, you got any guesses?

Okay, So I'm going to I'm gonna this is this is kind of a shot in the dark. Guess I'm gonna say that that's some kind of a finch like. I can't necessarily say what kind of finch, but it seems like it's very chirpy. It's clearly like a very small bird. So yeah, I'm gonna say it's some kind it's like a goldfinch or something.

It does sound very finch like. Unfortunately, no, it is not a finch. Congratulations to Anna A, who gives correctly that this is the thirteen lined ground squirrel. Yeah, squirrel. It is a ground squirrel. So yeah, it sounds so birdlike, but it is a little rodent. It's commonly mistaken for a chipmunk. Actually, they look sort of chipmunk like, and they are related, but they're also related to prairie dogs.

So I think that after hearing this, and after hearing how the squirrel sounds, I think that instead of a three striped ground squirrel, I think we should call it what it really is, which is a.

Liar, a lying squirrel. Yeah, so they really do sound birdlike. So they are small. They weigh under three hundred grounds, which is about nine and a half ounces, and they are found in central North America. They hibernate throughout fall and winter, and they eat seeds, grass, insects, and even small mammals to put on weight before hibernation. So as cute as they are, they're definitely.

Murdered just to make it so that every word of its name is a lie. I think it would be really funny if instead if it's called a ground squirrel, but it can fly.

Sadly, No, the sound you just heard, this trill is actually used by female ground squirrels to warn its family to hide in case of danger. So other than small family units, they are not very social, so their introverts, their liars just kind of misanthropic or missquirrel thropic.

How dare they.

Onto this week's mystery Animals sound? The hint is this. This is a very common bird. But you might not recognize this sound unless you're close friends with one.

All right, can you guess he was making that sound?

You said that that was a bird.

It is a bird, yes.

So, and you said that it only reveals how it sounds to its friends. So I'm gonna have two guesses. One is it sounds like it's a bird being devoured by a cat. And two I'm gonna say that it's a secret bird. That's its name, Okay to keep how it sounds a.

Secret a secret bird or a seed crit bird bird who likes seeds to be secret. Well, you will find out the answer on next Creature Feature where we will reveal it. If you think you know who is making that sound, you can write to me at Creature Feature Pod at gmail dot com. You can also write to me any questions. I will occasionally do listener questions episodes and I try to respond to your emails. Joey, thank you so much for joining me this time. Where could people find you?

Yeah, thanks so much for having me. It's always so fun to be on Creature Feature. Yeah, you can find me at Joey Tainment on Blue Sky, TikTok and Twitter slash x and then you can find me on Instagram and threads at Joey Cliff with five or six eyes. The reason for that to a twelve year old took Joey clip with one eye and I just have to deal. And then you can you can check out my Comedy Central digital series at gone Native dot tv, and you can watch you Bet Rangers on Netflix so that's that's

We've done a recursive plug. You're plugging the podcast on the podcast going to break the universe. Oh no, pard All, well yeah you can. The thing that I'm promoting now is my TikTok which I just started. Uh, it's Katie Golden on TikTok k A T I E G O L D I N. I don't know what I'm doing, but please watch it anyways, I guess uh, And thank you guys so much for listening. If you're enjoying the show and you smash that rating and review, I would