Javelina vs. Golf

Welcome to Creature feature production of iHeartRadio. I'm your host of Many Parasites, Katie Golden. I studied psychology, evolutionary biology, and today on the show, Havelina versus Golf Course, who will come out on top and who will get torn to shreds? Why are we rooting for the Havelina to

Welcome, Hi, thank you for having me, and thank you for getting my president credit.

A lot of people, Yeah, yeah, some people think it's some guy named Jim Barson, and that's.

A true Borden I'm hearing. Yeah, I doesn't sound familiar to me.

No, no, no, this is the world I live in where Kylie Brakman is president and it's happy and fun. And as president, are you on Team have Alina or team stupid golf course.

I am on fully, I'm throwing my weight all in behind team Hovelina. I think that what these girls are doing out here is noble. I think it's right, and I think it's about time someone stood up to golf courses.

It is, it really is. For too long have golf courses had free reign to be there to charge their stupid fees. Hit those stupid little balls with those dumb little sticks.

They're not even those those sprinklers going it. It's too much.

It's too much, and we love a Hoveolino. So for those of you who live under a rock and haven't been paying attention to the news about Havelina attacking golf courses, someone posted a video I believe, on Twitter, or as they call it X.

The Sinister I know X.

I'm still gonna call it Twitter. Is everyone alrite with me doing that?

Because it makes me feel uncomfor I've tried to call it X and just be like, oh, it's been given. It feels like it makes me gag to say I can't say it. No. It makes me feel like the collective reality hallucination where Twitter is still called Twitter.

Yeah, because like when I'm like this post on x it's like, well this is a family friendly production. It sounds a little bit, I don't know, a little bit below the belt there. So yeah, this post on Twitter, it is a photo of a massacred golf course. So the golf course Seven Canyons Golf Club located in Coconino National Forest in Arizona. So one posted this video of like, look at how torn up this golf course is, and it didn't go well for the person. I'm not gonna

Seen, Well this Hovelina golf course feud was my first introduction to the Hovelina, and I was floored by what they look like. I did not expect them to be so I did not expect the heels. It looks like they're wearing tiny little heels and it looks like every single one of them is kind of of the girly variety. Yeah, and I I just fell in love with them right away and I think the rest of the internet did too. We're like, how could we be against these guys?

Yeah, I like how you put it that you didn't realize that they're one of the girlies, but indeed they are. All of them are. Actually, there's not too much sexual dimorphism, so you can't really tell the difference between the males and females. Uh, but I'm gonna say they're just all part of the girlies. Uh. And you're right, they do have the little heels, the little huves, and very Louis vouton. They are a pig like animal. They are not pigs,

It just you know, yeah, it's like a different it's a different type of gurley, but like I still get it. It sounds a little preppier, but but I'm in it sounds a doorble.

So yeah. A peckery is part of the Suena suborder, which includes wart hogs, pigs, bores, and hogs. So they are related to wild boars, but they are not the same and they are not invasive like wild boars. Havelina are native to the Arizona region. This is their home. And so this golf course is located in this natural habitat of the Havelina. It's a national forest, which is

Really, like, that is their home. You put a golf course in Hovelina's house and you are shocked that they're coming in to use your stuff.

Yeah, like, hey, this is Causa Hovelina and now there's a golf course here, and they're like, hey, actually, uh no, no more golf course. No you actually can't have that. Yeah. Yeah. So the video posted is the aftermath of something tearing up the lawn. This was the Hovelina and the superintendent of the golf course. Again not going to name any names because if the Hovelina know where to find her, what can I say, It's not going to be pretty. So uh yeah.

Hovelinas are notorious for dosing to eat. Don't want to cross them.

Yeah, no, they're they put like BDS supporters to shame that they're they're frighteningly efficient. So yeah, the superintendent wrote, what should be one of the most beautiful golf courses in the tree is being destroyed by herds of hovellina. Uh And the Internet was not sympathetic to this plaintive cry. They ended up siding with the hovelina for a few reasons, ecological and also because I want you to google a hovelina right now. It's spelled j A v E l I n A. I'll also have some photos in the

My gosh, I think I just got to the picture.

Of them, of the babies. Yes, of the baby.

That's one of the most precious things I've ever seen.

It's baby. It's it's when you think baby, this is this is what it is. This is what a baby is.

It simply is baby. There's no getting around that. I can debate this all day, but that baby is baby.

It's the core essence of baby. Sort of sub made it down to the raw, pure baby extract, and so it's precious. And anything we can do to make this baby happy, whether it's to tear up a golf course, set a bus on fire, whatever, I want to make this baby Hovelina happy.

Yeah, I will throw down for baby. I will put my life on the line for baby. I will do anything it takes, because, frankly, the idea of this baby shedding a tear makes me really upset.

Yeah, Like, can you imagine just a little teardrop rolling down that little pink nose land on one of those dainty little Louis Vouton hooves. No, we can't make baby cry.

Nah, I'm gonna rip up the golf course that did that to you.

I will buy hand rip up a golf course if it makes this baby happy. For it.

It'll take me a while, it'll take me longer than a hovelina, but I'll do probably.

Yeah. Yeah, you know it's hard because you get like the dirt on your nail, under your nails, and yeah, I don't love that. Yeah, I don't love it either. I like using a good little shovel, One of those little shovels is good yeah, big fan of a shovel, big fan of shovels. So but yeah, the havevelina don't need shovels because their face is essentially an adorable shovel. And they are, Yeah, they're they're very like fluffy. That's number one. It's kind of a it's not really fur,

Okay, Yeah, the texture looks like a little like it could almost be sort of like hedgehoggy like spikes, but I guess, but it must be softer than that.

It's yeah, it's not quite hedgehog, but I mean the thing is hedgehogs, porcupines. Those spikes are modified hairs. So when you look at something like this, you can kind of see that better, Like these are not related, but despite the hedgehog being called a hedgehog, it's actually not

So it's it's still in the like the porcupine spines are technically hair.

Yes, exactly.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, that's very cool. Yeah, it's it's technically still something that you could put in a commercial where it's like a bunch of fruit falling down in a shower, you know, like where you have the hair commercials.

Legally could be in a panteine commercial.

Exactly.

Do I still happen? Yeah, it's good that the door is open for that.

Yeah, I feel like there's always fruit in those commercials. Am I remembering wrong? I always feel like fruit in a shower. I think of all.

These women have scurvy. They need to need to eat their vitamin C in the shower to keep that hair shiny.

So the bristle of the havelina is not it's not spines, so they won't puncture you. That's not where the business end is. The business end is the tusks. So they do have a couple of tusks. In fact, the whole reason they're called hovelina is because of this pair of sharp tusks. It is from habilina, the Spanish word for spear. So they have these little tusks. They're actually the tusks too, are gurly coated because they are a little more dainty, a little less like gnarly than say, like a boar tusk.

Oh yeah, I just looked up a picture of the tusk. They're dainty, they're hidden, but they do look dangerous.

Yes, it's like a lady's you know, back in the day when we used to have hair pins and we used to pull those out of our hair and stab people with them.

Yeah, it's like that.

Yeah, right, well it's the that was what the hair Oh, it's hat pins. I think that they still can't remember. I mean we were both alive and like this, well like college or something. Yeah, yeah, it's hard to remember the Clinton years. But yeah, no, I mean it's it is very like hat pin, like lady with a hat pin coated and they are used for defense. They are not predators. Their diet is mostly vegetation such as succulents, cacti, other desert semi arid plants. Uh. They will also nibble

It's just polite.

It's polite not to waste food. They will eat the occasional bug normal, and who doesn't who doesn't you know what?

Seven spiders a year they say?

They say that, You know, I don't think I personally want to beat that record. I know it's not true, Like you don't actually eat seven spiders a year.

You want to go for more.

I actually see that as a challenge. Now. I love I love spiders. I don't really want to hurt them. But I also feel like that's a kind of insultingly small number. How many spiders are you? Do you think you could eat?

I feel like, I mean, the sad part is like I could be eating, Like I could be doing really well. I could be eating twenty five spiders a year, but I never.

Know, right, because I'm just no way to keep track, right, So seven is just such an arbitrary number, and it feels like you should just go for a higher number, like I would. I would believe that urban legend a lot more. If it's like you eat a hundred spiders a year, like, yeah, it feels right sometimes Okay.

Yeah this is a real problem. Seven makes me wonder can this year even happen? But if it's one hundred, then it's like, Okay, this is absolutely happening. It's a part of life and we just have to accept it.

Exactly where I'll be questioning like, well, is this water weight or is this just night spiderweight? You know it's uh.

Yeah, yeah, it'll disappear by noon exactly.

Uh so yeah, have Alina will eat? Uh, they'll eat, They'll eat insects, they'll eat bugs. Why not? They're not like small. The thing is, even though they are dainty and precious and we love them, they're not tiny. They weigh around forty to ninety pounds, which is twenty to forty kilograms, and grow about two to four feet long, which is like ninety to one hundred and thirty centimeters. So there.

I could not tell that from the picture. Right in the presture, they look like kind of this big, kind of like itty bitty.

They look hamster size. They look like I could hold them in my lap.

It looks like a you hit a bore with like a shrink ray.

Right exactly. But it's I think that is owed to the daintiness of them these sort of yes, uh, they are elegant looking and so they kind of seem smaller. The babies certainly are small and cute and sweet, but yeah, but they are substantial. And yeah, the babies, they're they're like tan and color. They look like any kind of cute piglet, but fluffy.

One of these babies, I'm just looking at another one fit on my pinky finger, because that's what I imagine them to be.

I mean, at a certain point in its embryonic development. Yes, okay, that's good enough for me. It's a general rule for most things, uh will at.

Some point we're once that size.

Most things will at some point fit on your pinky. So it's a good rule to you know. But yeah, in terms of their behavior, they live in herds. They are not typically aggressive towards humans unless they feel threatened,

Yeah, the fact that they're even fighting back is impressive because I I just imagine like an animal who's eating grass and bugs, Like, I just don't think of them as an animal that would attack. But yeah, no, these girls are not to be underestimated.

Yeah, herbivore does not mean wimp in the natural kingdom. Like, if you're a vegetarian, you might still like crunch a lion's skull. Like, say you're a hippo. Hippos are vegetarians, they will absolutely murder you. I love that. Oh, I just love killing people. They love it.

Well, I knew about the burder part. I just assumed they were eating fish. But I guess all those videos they smashing pumpkins in their mouth.

Yes, they're just smashing pumpkins. Favorite that it's a hippo's favorite bands, favorite band, of course. But before they attack for the havelina, which are not nearly as aggressive as a hippo. They will issue a warning by clicking their tusks together and sort of making a growling, sort of hoot sound.

Uh.

The closest I could find in terms of the sound.

Is actually saying to hear it.

Actually speaking of pumpkins, I found a video of Pavelina fighting over a pumpkin, so I'll shore I will share this sound with you.

That's that's so cute. Yeah, I mean, clearly they're angry, and but it feels like a sort of just like hormonal, like woke up in the morning, just like pissed off about the world type stuff. Like I don't really blame them.

No, it's the kind of anger we can all relate to where you're trying to eat a pumpkin that's on the ground and then like your bestie comes up and kind of elbows you a little bit to try to eat the pumpkin, and you're like, dude, like I love you, but seriously, this is my ground pumpkin. When that happens, yeah, no, I know, it's really annoying. It's one of my one of my top pet peeves is I'm trying to eat an old, uh hallowed out pumpkin and someone's trying to eat it, Uh, get my bite?

Like you you have to seek one out to eat that hollowed out and and and moldy like that. You right, Like they're not easy to find and people just assume they can have a bite, but you can't always have a bite. Sometimes you're saving.

This yourself exactly. It's like, hey, where's my slightly rotting pumpkin? Did you eat it? You should have asked me, like I I actually, yeah, I'm happy to share. You just got to ask me. So, yeah, these havevelina live in herds of around twenty, but herd sizes can vary from like ten individuals to fifty. There's a lot of families in these groups. They have a fairly balanced sex ratio. So it's like with females and males, there's like a third of them are usually like babies or juveniles.

And do they do the do the mom and dads like hang out after the hovelina is born or is it kind of like you mate and then you leave.

I think they mostly hang out in the same herds. I don't think they're monogamous like forever, but there is I think there is a lot of cooperation within the group in terms of parenting and in terms of the group dynamic. They actually will recognize individuals by their smell. They every individual have Alena has their own like signature scent, and because Helena have really poor eyesight and mediocre hearing, they really rely on their scent and their sense of

I love that. You you have to create a whole system of sense of smell to keep each other accountable. But the smell is just bad. It's just universally bad.

I mean it's a perspective thing, right, because like maybe to have Alena stink is good, you.

Know, yeah, right, yeah, it's like the idea of I don't know how true this is, but a person from the medieval time might smell us and all our weird soaps and think that we smell bad. Exactly, we know that they were covered in uh kind of poop poo their whole lives. Yeah, they they like all that poop poo shampoo that they use.

All the time, just covered in people, water everywhere, everywhere, covered in poop poo, and they're like, wait, what is this smell? You don't smell like poo poo. That's disgusting. Where's your poo poo smell?

Yeah? What is this lavender? This is gross?

I'm Gaggingah yeah exactly. Is there like a smell that's a lot of people tend to find nice that you really hate?

I oh gosh, I think it's it actually is when lavender is overwhelming. I like a little bit of lavender. Yeah, but if someone like blasts a lavender candle, it just feels like not right. I accidentally bought lavender dish soap instead of like most dish soaps are like citrus. I feel like, yeah, that's standard, Like you want it to smell like your food or like a shower. Yeah, it just feels wrong.

Yeah, no, that's interesting for me. It's banana. Oh I hate it. Yeah, It's like it makes me so angry to smell banana to even see.

Do you like eating bananas?

No? Not even a little bit.

No, yeah, yeah, it'll do it. It is like a powerful smell and taste.

They test gas masks, or at least they used to maybe not anymore, but they would test the efficacy of like the World War uh one and two gas masks by like with banana oil, because Wow, it's so pungent that if you put on the gas mask and you can like still smell it, it means that there's like a leak in the gas mask.

My gosh, because I guess there's a reason there's no like banana flavored essential oil.

Yeah, I would, Uh, I don't know what I would do in a situation where I'm like trying to get like relaxed and someone's out there with the banana essential oil. That sounds like my nightmare.

Thank you for that is horrible. That is actively horrible.

That is horrible. That's a horrible idea in that you know, everything would smell like banana forever, it would never go.

I'm upset with myself for conjuring it and now and now I won't be able to stop thinking about it.

We're all we're all mad at you, Kylie. You've really done enough. We're gonna take a quick break, and when we get back, we're gonna shift our anger towards the golf course and we're going to talk about why we side with the hovelena over the golf course. I will bear it back. So we're going to talk about why it's actually cool and great that these Hoveleena are tearing up this golf course. I have you played much golf, Kylie.

So I and this maybe ties into why I am Team Hovellina. I needed to take a extracurricular pe class to fit in all the electives I wanted, and I had to do girls golf. It was like the only thing that you could kind of get into without much auditioning or sorry trying out tryouts. You could see how bad I'm not again.

Really really used the space in the back nine. You gotta make you.

I just really didn't nail the audition to use the putter, but we would. And I went to school in southern California, so it was always so hot, and we would go to these golf courses and golf course after golf course, and just I was so bad at golf and we didn't have like so much of golfing. I would say ninety percent of it is walking to the next hole. Yeah, because like we're kids, They're not going to give us golf carts.

We're not nice.

It would be nice, and I think that's what everybody else is using, but we weren't. And so we were just walking this whole golf course and they're huge, uh, and we'd be sweating, and I just and I realized, well, okay, this was the final straw for me. Is so I was technically like I was on a junior varsity golf team, like wow, legally on paper on a golf team, and it was supposed to be this like competition at a golf competition at the end called.

Tournaments tournament, and so there was a tournament at the end, and they're like everybody on the team is I was usually benched, and they're like everybody on the team is playing in this one.

And me and my other friend who was also like horrible at golf, we were matched up as a as a duo and we were golfing our way through. And then I don't remember how we found this out, but we realized that we were the only two people who scores were not being counted. They were just sending us through this course to do it and not telling us that we weren't included in the final score. They just like kept that from us, and looking back, it makes sense, but we were like I would have stayed home. I

It's like a wily coyote level diversion, like painting a golf course on a cliff face and being like, go play golf over there.

That's horrible, sinister. So I think I have a lifelong sort of bias against golf courses.

Yeah, no, I feel that I'll mess with a miniature golf. I'll do that.

Oh yeah.

I love a mini golf mostly because I do like feeling like a giant when they've got like the houses and the windmills and stuff, and I'm like, rah, I'm so big, and then I hit a ball. It's like fear of me, townspeople.

It's fun to feel like you're a big foot running through a Dutch village.

That's like my number one fantasy is to be a big foot in a Dutch village. So that's why I like miniature golf. I once played miniature golf at a birthday party in elementary school, and I got an award for the lowest score and I thought they were like messing with me. I didn't understand that you want a low score, so I.

Thought, so funny, I thought, I point, golf, make it high scores, just make it, just flip it.

Do it. The most swings the most wins.

Yeah. But yeah, I yea swings the fastest.

Whoever hits the ball the hardest. Uh, it doesn't matter where it goes, it's just that energy. Yeah. But I thought I thought they were making fun of me, so it was really sad about it. And then I found out that's so fun.

How long did it take you to figure out that you were actually the winner?

I think I told my mommy that they all made fun of me with an award.

For worst, and she not get your moment.

So then she looked at the war and she's like, honey, this means you won. I was like, I what anyways?

Uh yeah, that's a topic for my therapist childhood trauma.

Right. So uh I too. Uh. I have no love for golf courses. I'm not saying that you cannot that. This is not like an anti golf podcast. Uh. If you like to golf, I'm not coming for you. I'm coming for specific golf courses because specific golf courses suck. Like when you put a golf course in sort of a desert terrain, a semi arid terrain, it's not gonna

Yeah, grass just loves to soak up water. It's so ugh. It's so upsetting because I don't even think grass looks that good. Yeah, I feel like we could just fake it. I feel like we have the technology.

Although I do hate AstroTurf. Yeah, AstroTurf freaks me out. And then whenever I have when I used to live in la and I would take my dog on walks and sometimes there would only be like AstroTurf nearby, and she'd try to do a poopy on it. It's like, what am I supposed to do? Like do I win decks the astro turf?

Yeah, that she doesn't do it.

I have to like clean it. I have to get like I have to like sponge off this ask the crappy doodoo streaks on the astro turf. So I hate that. Uh, but yeah, I mean it's not great to try to look like there's a ton of places where you could have a sustainable golf course, like golf was admitted in Scotland, I think for a reason because it's like, you know, they got tons of grass just there. You don't even have to planet.

It's already there, endless.

Yeah.

Uh, and like there are Southern California is not meant for.

Not really no, no, not not not especially.

Oh wait this is where is this?

This is this is an Arizona.

It's a similar it's another even worse.

Yeah, it's a similar situation in Arizona. So yeah, the unnatural grass of a golf course also reduces the diversity of plan. It's insects animals in that area. Again, like a golf course in an area where like grass and the tree, like say you use native trees and then the grass is also a typical part of that environment. It can be okay unless you hit like a rare bird with a golf ball. You can have a golf course that's more or less like fine. Again, like in

Courses have a lot of water. They've gotten a lot of that. Those aquapanas, they've got fancy water there.

They do like the alkaline what is it the like water. It's either alkaline free or full of alkalines. I don't remember what's good.

There is the word alkaline on the bottle for shripe whether it's no alkaline or a lot of it. That's how you know.

How much alkalines should I have? I don't. I've never figured that out.

No, No, I've never. It's not on the food pyramids, so I not. Yeah.

Yeah. And the havelina that they want them they want well not really the water, but they do want the grass and the grubs especially. There's a lot of grubs in the ground, in the grass, and that's why they're tearing up the grass to get at the grubs because in a drought it's harder for them to get food elsewhere. And then when you have golf courses soaking up all the water, that only like contributes to the drought. So it's kind of like, hey, you know what, I'm sorry, but.

Yeah, if you're laying if you, as a golf course, are laying out a buffet of firms and and and insects, you can't be surprised if someone comes and runs against it.

Yeah. So in the past, golf courses have tried to discourage have alina by sprinkling coyote peepe around the golf course. You can buy I guess you can buy coyote peepe. I didn't realize this that you can just like go on like Amazon and buy coyote peepe.

Man, that's that's too accessible. I wish it were harder to get coyote p.

I guess. I mean, like I feel that if we don't make it accessible and safe, that people are gonna get coyote pepe like on the black market and it's gonna be cut with like fin or something.

That's true. You can never be sure what's.

Like, right, yeah, yeah, you legalize and regulate I'm legalized legalize and regulate coyote pep. But apparently so the idea is that the Havelina hate coyotes and so if you put coyote p it should scare off the have Alina. But it didn't work. It actually made the problem worse because apparently the have Alina went bananas for the coyote peepee.

Use it because of the the attacking on site thing, Like were they or why would it do that.

That's a really good question. That's actually what you're saying is like that could be a theory, right, Like they smell the coyote peepee, they're enraged, they see no coyote, and so they just go ham on the golf course itself.

I don't know when I smell like a weird like a like a a food truck that I don't like, but I can tell that there must be other food trucks nearby.

Exactly. It's like you smell that weird smell that comes out of a subway sandwiches placed, you know what I'm talking about like every subway has that weird smell and you're like, well, the smell is bad, but I could at least get some potato chips from there.

Exactly. Yeah, it's they're pumping the sort of like sandwich like, uh like from a hospital type smell. And that does mean that there's some prepackaged cookies in there.

Right exactly exactly what is what even is that smell? It freaks me out because it's at every subways and it's not another sistent that.

It feels like and I and I've I've heard this. I don't know if it's fully true that Disneyland pumps cinnamon.

In the air and smell Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, it's like it's it's like childlike, yeah, psychologically the subway smell that they're pumping, because it seems intentional. If every single subway smells like that, they have to be bottling it somewhere.

But it's not good, so is it. Maybe it's some kind of like skunk pheromone that makes you hungry where.

We're like, we gotta have that weird turkey.

I like turkey that squeaks between my teeth and that's why I get subway gross. So yeah, they love the coyote piss, so that didn't work. Now golf courses are trying to use chili oil to deter the Hailina, which seems to work. And I really hope that Havevelina develop a taste for chili oil for like spicy food and then like they're like, actually this is great. Now my salad of grass and grubs is spicy and delicious.

Yeah, we're just giving them dressing, right, this could backfire.

Right, just put a little bit of balsamic on there. Yeah. I mean, in summary, I am fully on team Hovelinas as well. They were their first golf courses. When you put them in the wrong habitats, they're not good for the environment. They drink up a huge amount of water.

And if this were a Disney movie, I think it would be very clear which side to be on. Right, the Hovelinas would be animated, and the antagonist is always an evil golf club, a land developer.

Right, it'll be a mean golf club named Jerry.

And Jerry's Evil Golf.

Yeah exactly, And then they'll learn some kind of lesson and like the main character is like this Havevelina girl who's like really quirky and kind of clumsy, but she's hot.

Oh she's gone, and she's gotta be hot.

We got tickets somehow, Yeah, gotta make got you know what, Like the people come, they don't come just to see hovelina. They come to see hot havevelina. But yeah. So golf courses are also often private. They use huge areas that could be like a public park or public space, but no, they're like a private golf course, which The Seven Canyons Golf Club is open only to members who pay twenty

So oh my, how what do you what? Where's the money? What? What do you need that much money for? I feel like at this point they're just trying to weed out the semi rich people who might join.

They're like, I mean that's why, I mean, that's why, right, Like yeah, it's it's it's a club for like, hey, like, do you have the morals such that you would spend this amount of money to join a snooty golf club in the middle of a semi arid region and then get mad at havelina.

Uh I, oh yeah, that's that's so bad.

I can't relate to these people.

Also, I don't have it. I mean, maybe I'll win the lottery and then my brain chemistry will completely change and I won't want to associate with anybody making less than forty billion dollars a second.

Yeah, no, I mean that that would happen to all of us. As soon as you get enough money, you're suddenly like, yeall drop fifty grand on a private golf Uh yeah, that smells like coyote pepe because like we keep sprinkling coyote piss around the golf course to keep the cavlina off.

Be very funny if coyote peepe becomes like a wealth signifier, right, if you're wealthy, just hang out. It's a sign that you hang out around golf courses.

Right, Like, oh, to golf peepee, and people are gonna like like buy golf peepe, sorry, golf peepee. They're gonna buy coyote pepe to make it seem like they're a member of an expensive golf club.

But you're gonna there's gonna be knockoffs and that's not gonna be real coyote p There's gonna be people in the in the upper middle class. We're wearing like porcupine pe to try and still like them, but it's not the same, And real rich people can smell the difference, right.

I hate when they can smell the difference, like smell they're like, Oh, that's that's a that's a koy wolf pepe. That's not the same. Ah. So yeah. Another reason I think the Havelina are perfectly justified is that people can legally hunt Havevelina, and I think it's fair that Havevelena hunt golfers, Like you can't have a You can't just like say like, yeah, you can hunt Havevelena. And I'll be like, hey, maybe the Havelina want to hunt some golfers.

Yeah, and maybe, I mean, maybe they know a lot about Arizona state law. Maybe if that law is repealed, they'll back off.

Yeah, look, you know what you gotta You gotta give a little to the Havelina if you expect them to leave our golf courses alone.

Yeah, maybe this is kind of a mafia shakedown.

Yes, look, nice golf course you got here. Would be a shame if we tore it up, even though you covered in coyote peepee.

Someone munched on this thing.

Yeah, yeah, I do. I do think they would be a good gangsters because of again the heels, the Louis vouton. Uh yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they're intimidating, They're sharp, very much.

Have Alena have been photographed giving raccoons rides on their backs.

So okay, okay, I love it.

I don't have any other information. That's it. There have been a photograph, that's it. There's been no you don't know why or or I'm sorry, this is a learning podcast, but.

You've just dropped something major on me. And now I'm gonna think about it for weeks.

I know, like, I don't have all the answers. I can only tell you what I know, and I'm not gonna make anything up. So the facts on the ground is that there have been at least one photographs of a raccoon riding on a Havevelna and some anecdotal stories people tell about. Yes, I've also seen a raccoon get on top of a have Alina to try to eat food out of some kind of bird feeder. So this is a thing that might be happen.

This is a thing that might be happening. This is huge, right. I love when animals are friends. It just there's just such a mystery. How did they do it, how do they communicate? What do they have to talk about?

I don't know. I mean I think like it seems like the raccoon and the hovelina are would be natural allies, just in terms of tearing through things and going the sort of vibe.

And like Internet support Internet cloud, they both like people love raccoons online as well.

Yeah. Yeah, have you seen that video of the guy feeding in a huge tub full of hot dogs to raccoons?

Yes, I like him. I also I follow this TikTok account that called raccoon Ravine and they post videos. They go live every single night feeding wild raccoons. Yeah, they just flock to the porch and there's dozens of up.

Yeah. I mean, like, in terms of uh sort of animal welfare, I would cush against feeding raccoons hot dogs. I don't think it's a good thing to do. However, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie and say I don't enjoy the video of this man reaching his hand into a slimy bucket of hot dogs and handing them out to a bunch of raccoons.

Yeah, we didn't watch, We didn't. We didn't get the hot dog.

I didn't. That's not on us.

Yeah, there's only so much.

Like I'm not you know, it's true, maybe that I inadvertently fund the hot dog feeding by watching the YouTube video, But there's no ethical consumption in capitalism. So I'm gonna I'm gonna let myself have that one.

Yeah. Yeah, we deserve something nice every once.

In a while, exactly. So we're gonna take a quick break and when we get back, we're gonna talk about some more animals that are reclaiming golf courses as well as an apossum. It could be the next big football player if only the coach would let them. We'll bear it back. Okay, So I did want to say that it's not just the havelina. As much as we love them, Havevelinas aren't the only ones taken back the golf courses. There are other animals that will try to reclaim the

You put a golf course that if you give a mouse a cook, if you leave a cookie out for the mouse, it's gonna take it right. Like that book.

It's like that book. If you give a mouse a golf course, you can't use coyote pep on it. It's not going to work.

And I love that book and I'm going to read it to my kids someday.

I was confused by it as a child, but I get it now in retrospect that all makes sense. Yes. So some notable golf course activists are the bull sharks of Brisbane, Australia. Bull sharks reclaimed a water hazard as their personal pool. You might wonder how bull sharks got into a golf course. Well, a flood in nineteen ninety six swept a group of bull sharks into the Carbrook golf Club. So yes, and that's wild. Six sharks found themselves in one of the golf cours's water hazards and

Like?

You can't. I don't think you can kill the bull sharks, right, I think they're protected.

I guess that does become like a money issue of like, Okay, are we gonna get a shark bulldozer to like picket? Are we gonna pay a shark catcher?

Right?

Call a boat?

Who do you know? How do you like? Yeah, it's like, oh, you know, we're just gonna airlift each shark back over there. Like no, I don't know, I don't know how you relocate once the sharks are in there. It's like it's a dickens of a time trying to get them out. But yeah, so they lived there for another seventeen years, eating the fish that the golf course stocked and surviving the low salinity of the artificial lake like they were. They seem to be fine for like almost two decades.

That's great. And then did the generation just kind of die off?

Yeah? Yeah, I don't think. I don't think they managed to maintain a new sort of bull shark colony there. But yeah, I mean the fact they lived there for like twenty years is it's pretty impressive.

Impressive.

Yeah yeah. And also kangaroos off and over take golf courses in Australia. Good for them.

I love that.

Yeah, this Cucuosa Golf Club of South Africa is right next to a wild life reserve and so frequently gets the kinds of animals that would be in South Africa on a wildlife reserve. So hyenas lions just kind of like waltzing in. In twenty twenty two, a group of lions and hyenas took over the third hole with a massive giraffe carcass that they were fighting over. So you know.

That's wild. It's really showed. Okay, Like this is in English class, I feel like you learn about the different story archetypes where it's like man versus man, man versus self, man versus nature. I think there's another category which is nature versus golf course.

It's actually a whole thing, Yes, a whole genre.

Yeah, I think it's untapped. I think we can get into it.

Yeah exactly. I mean it's it's the classic story of a hyena who drags sort of a the liver of a giraffe over to a golf hole and plops it in and gets par or birdie. I'm what's golf?

It's classic. They get a yeah, birdie a par I played a lot of we golf. I wasn't too bad at that.

Oh nice, there's album one too. Hole in one. That's that's golf.

I think that's the big money word we've been serving.

That's the golf. A hole in one, A liver and one a liver a giraffe liver in one. Uh, there's the joke we did manage to. We clawed our way to kicking and screaming. Yeah. So plenty of animals do like to take over golf courses, and all the power to them. But before we move on, I definitely wanted to talk about another animal internet celebrity gripping the nation. It's an apossum who was desperate, desperate to toss around the old pigskin, but the man didn't let him do it.

I have, and I am once again joining the side of the animals against, yes, against organized sports. I loved the video of this apossum being dragged off it. Like, I've never seen someone want something more than that. Possum wanted to be on that field.

He wants to play. Uh, he wants coach to put him in and he's a little bit like and they won't give him a chance. No, Like, this isn't how Rudy ended.

Rudy the movie.

Yeah, that was a football movie, right.

Oh, that sounds like it was it.

Called Notre Dame or something. What's the movie? It's Sean Actually no, it's Sean Hobbit, isn't it. Huh Uh Sean Aston. He plays a football guy and they put him in the game. Anyways, and this would happen.

And you know what, if we have airbud why not? Why not this?

It's a classic legal loophole of there's nothing in the football rules that says an apossum shouldn't play football, and so you do, actually legally, under punishment of prison time, let the apossum play.

Yeah, if you are I'm sorry. If you are a sport, you need to make it very clear in your rules which animals cannot play. Right until you do that, this is just gonna keep happening.

You have to name every single animal. Yeah, and some of them are tiny, like you might even know they're playing. They might be out there.

Fromes covering this field. They are making it plays and you have no idea.

Right there may be a Tartar grade on that ball technically his touchdowns, so you never know. Yeah, but yeah, that that apostum was dragged literally kicking and screaming and clywing at the ground, and everybody loved him. Everybody wanted him to be left alone, to be allowed to play the game. And yeah, I think he should have been put in because the Red Raiders won against the home team, So if they just let him play, you know, maybe things would have been different.

Yeah, yeah, they he wanted to you know, he's probably been on the sideline spying on this for a long time and and he wanted to help. I felt him.

I feel like your kindred spirits because you got sidelined from your your golf turning attorney, your golf tourney.

It's true. It's just another list of injustices that have that have been that have been committed against underdogs.

Right under possums. So I did see on your Twitter that you wanted to know what it sounded like. So I don't. I do not have uh, I do not have the sound to the video of this the pot that was on the football field. I don't even know if that audio exists. If it does, send it to me, it's important, but I do have to hear it. Yeah, I do have audio of what an angry a possum sounds like. So you could kind of extrapolate this. So here is what a mad possum sounds like.

Oh, it sounds more like a passive aggressive possum.

He's maybe a little sweepy, like he might be a little sweepy but still upset a little like grumble grumble.

Why didn't you check the group.

Text right exactly? I feel like, so this one it's you know, that's a fair point. I feel like that is the sound of an a passively angry possum. I think I do also have a sound of a little more a little more intense anger. There you go, So that to me is a little more but maybe even pump that up. I feel like the sound of this football possible he wanted to play football so.

Bad, Like imagine that like tripled, because the way this mouth is positioned like that can be nothing but a scream.

Yeah, he is a it's you know what, like I feel like this is going to be an iconic photo of American resistance, you know, the spirit of like rebellion. Look at him.

Yeah, yeah, it's He's a sports hero of our time, and I think we he deserves to be treated.

As such exactly. I mean it's like, I don't know, I think that if the rules say that an apossum can't play football, then what are we even doing? Like why even have the sport?

Why even have the sport if you're gonna if you're gonna exclude.

People exactly or possums. So uh that is that. Godspeed a little possum. I really hope, uh everything goes well for you. And uh, before we go, we've got to play a little game. It's called Guess Who's squawking? The Mystery Animal Sound Game. Every week I play Mystery Animal sound in you the listener, and you the guests, try to guess who it is. It can be any animal in the world. Uh. Last week's mystery animal sound hint was this this baby has one of the longest snoops,

I do Okay, and you said, and the clue.

Was, and the clue was, this baby has one of the longest snoots, but definitely don't boop.

But don't boom. Okay, I feel like it's not an ant eater, but it's like adjacent to an ant eater. Like I feel like I heard that anteaters are actually kind of mean, but but maybe I'm wrong. You know what, I'll lock in anteater. Let's see.

I mean they're adjacent to ant eaters in that they do both have long snoots. But this is actually a reptile. This is a garrial.

Uh.

This is a crocodillion crocodilian. Crocodilion, a crocodile. It is a garial. Congratulations to Auntie Bee, Jack M and kat S. So I'll guess correctly. This is a baby GARYL.

So uh.

I do encourage you to google baby Gariel. It's bell g H A R I A L. And then you put baby in front of it and then just like, look at that little needlenose filler.

Oh my, oh, oh my gosh, she's a paraplyers.

Yeah, it's Plyers. If Plyers was an animal, this would be it. Uh. They are crocodiles found in rivers in India with extremely long and thin snouts, with one hundred and ten teeth, Lots of teeth.

It's a lot.

It's so many teeth. I get tired flossing my teeth.

I know these these thirty or thirty two many babies, however many I don't.

It's too many, too many to keep too many. I'm uncomfortable with how many teeth we have? Have you ever seen? Okay, now I'm going to rephrase the question that doesn't make me sound like a murderer, because I was gonna say, have you ever seen like a child's skull? That's not

It's it's horrifying just looking at that makes it feel like we're sharks, Like right, it doesn't look.

Natural exactly, and so like, hey, you know what, in a certain way, aren't we the garials? Uh? When we're children? Are we all?

So?

Yeah, they got a lot of teeth, and they can get quite big, so they look deceptively small. I think because their snout is so narrow it makes them look like they're kind of like the nerd version of a crocodile, so they must be kind of puny. They're actually big. They can be from around eight feet to almost twenty feet long, so that's a half to six meters us.

Again looking like this this big. Yeah, tiny tiny.

I feel like you just think everything is tiny.

I think I do. I think because I'm big and my computer screen is small, right, Like, well, these guys are miniscule.

I get really confused when people are far away because I'm like, whoa, you're really tiny, And then they get.

Close, when someone standing by the horizon right short, And then when they're next to.

You, they're like, wait, why did you get so big? I don't like this. You were small and now you're big and stay small please. Uh So, yeah, these ones are pretty big. Males can be bulkier than the female's. Males also develop a bulbous protrusion on the tip of their nose that they use as a resonance chamber for mating calls. It's shaped like a piece of pottery pottery known as a gara. That's the name garial. So that's

And it is a it's a sexy lump, it is.

It's you know, lumps and bumps are sexy unless they're malignant. Get them checked out, folks.

Yep.

So, while these are big, they are typically harmless to humans because their long, narrow snouts are optimized for catching fish, not larger prey. They do not view humans as prey. They typically catch and swallow their fish whole. Sometimes they will swallow stones or rocks to help crush the food in their stomachs to age and aid in digestion, this habit which other animals do as well. In this context, the stone is called a gastrolith, like a Tommy stone. You can call it a Tommy stone, a.

Tommy stone of course.

Yeah. They've even apparently swallowed jewelry, so you know that's like Tommy stones that are classy. Yeah.

And man, maybe that's where the Titanic thing went at the end.

I wish you know what that would have been so sick if at the end of Titanic she throws it in the ocean and then a shark comes up and eats it.

Yeah, I just want a pair of teeth emerging from the water and lamping down on it.

Had like I would even be fine with, like, I don't know, a swordfish, like hooking it on. It's new, you know something. Yeah, some playfulness there.

You've done a whole movie on the water and I haven't even seen a single fish.

Oh my god, are there no fish in I don't know.

I think I've I've I've only watched the movie an hour at a time when I was a kid, and it would play on like TNT or something. It'd be like forty seven commercial breaks, and so I'd never get through it.

But I'm super honest with you too.

I would imagine that the rich people probably ate lobster at some point.

That's not a fish though, that's a that's true. Yeah, so I remember there being birds. I don't remember a single fish, which is weird because I feel like David Cameron has been in the water a lot, so uh yeah, yeah, he had to see a lot of fish when he was descending down to the marriages trench exactly. So that's weird. I feel sort of like my mind is blown that there's not enough fish in the Titanic. But yeah, so garials.

And I keep buying them over and over and over again.

Where do they go?

Never find them? Where do they there's someone is they're they're deep in the couch cushions of saving. Yeah, I feel like maybe it's habitat destruction of the needle nose pliers. Uh, but yeah, I mean it's it's a metaphor, right, Like, we can't find our needlenose pliers and the guriles are critically endangered.

Who's to say who suffers more?

Who's to say if the needlenose pliers rustling about in the bottom of our toolboxes? Yeah, for these live animals.

Yeah, everyone has a chaos drawer for the needle nose pliers. But then they're never there, and then you.

Find a garyle in there, and it's like, I wasn't looking.

That's where the guryles. That's where the garyles are. They're in the junk drawer. Anyways, we gotta save them there I like them, and give the golf courses to the havevelinas. Anyways, onto this week's mystery animal sound. The hint is this, this animal has a more famous catchphrase, but it has plenty of other things to say. That's not it, sir? All right, Kaylee, who do you think that is?

Oh my gosh, well, I I got caught up in the famous animal catchphrases thing, and I'm like, oh, maybe Mickey mouse and and it's a mouse, but I can't even remember what Mickey mouse.

Wait, what is Micky. I don't think he.

Did.

That's okay, you're blowing up like, oh gosh, but I think that.

I don't like that's a catchphrase.

I thought that was goofy.

I thought googley. Goofy says gosh, he says, oh, gorsh. Minnie says, oh, says some variation of.

Oh yeah, What the hell is Mickey's catchphrase? Uh so there's okay, let me get this straight. There's no that's all folks.

No, that's tweeting bird. Wait, it's not even a tweetybird.

No, that's a porky pig.

Okay, okay, okay, well that that might make me fresh out of animal slogans.

And it's not.

It sounds kind of birdie, it sounds kind of twittery. It sounds a little like like it sounds like a bunch of them or is it just one?

There could be more than one. Okay, I give you that.

Okay, okay, okay. Flamingus, Oh my gosh, gosh, I I'm stop.

It's a flamingo's catchphrase.

Ah, come on over your guys, come my gown. It's charty.

Yeah. I know when they.

Say that, I remember that.

It's the famous the flamingo catchphrase a come on over here.

Guys, Come on over here, guys.

Well, we will find out next week what this mister anill sound is. If you out there think you know what this is, if you think it's a flamingo going come on over here, guys, write to me at Creature featurepot at gmail dot com. You can also write to me your questions because next week is going to be a listener Questions episode. I might answer this question in the next next week episode of Creature Features. Anyways, it'll all make sense at a certain point in the future.

Uh.

The point is, write to me, send me pictures of your pets. Uh, send me pictures of have Alina whatever. And and Kylie, thank you so much for joining us today. It is an absolute pleasure to have you on. Where can people find you?

Thank you so much for having me. I I I loved, I loved, I loved it all, and I love my Hovelina's I've tea Pavelina forever. I am on Instagram and TikTok at Dead Eye breakemen. I'm still technically on Twitter, but I don't I don't know what's going on there.

And then I have a podcast.

It's an improvised Hollywood round table podcast called Artists on Artists on Artists on Artists.

It's a mouthful how many artists it is?

Four artists, four artists.

Thanks for to type in that exactly, or else you get a different podcast that is messed up.

It's a rival podcast and it's Oh man, they're eating us alive.

There's three artists, the three the three artists are really good. The five artists.

Eh, yeah, yeah they do.

And I get it. Yeah, you know what, get it? Freeze a christ Freeze. It's a group and five's a crowd. I don't know what it is. Come on over here, guys. That's go on over here, God, come on over here, guys. Check out her podcasts and check out her videos hilariously funny videos. Thank you guys so much for listening. If you're enjoying the show and you leave a rating and review, I deeply greatly appreciate it. I read all the reviews, every single one of them, even the mean ones, especially