Creaturekringletimes Holiday Special Part 1

Please don't go. Happy Holidays everyone. It's me Katie Golden, our host of many parasites. On this two part holiday special, We'll be creating our own non denominational holiday using evolutionary biology to make this magical time of year scientifically accurate. We'll make our own better Santa out of animal DNA,

learning about these animals along the way. Happy Creature Crane, Happy Creature Crane, Happy Creature Crane joining me today to create a new holiday out of spare animal parts is comedian co host of The Bechdel Cast, screenplay writer of Santa University, Jamie Loftus. Hello, Hello, I love the holiday credits credit through special. Yes, I I am a big fan of Santa University. Thank you so much. You should be in it this. I'd love to you. I will

write you apart to thank you. Thank you so like I implied in that song that I practiced, Um, we will be creating our own Santa. I want to make a nondenominational, scientifically accurate holiday called creature Kringle nous or sorry no creature Kringle times. And we're gonna be, yeah, making a Santa out of various animals. And so to do this, I have horrifying well yes, but I have broken down Santa into his let's see one, two, three, four, five basic components santaus And let me know if you

agree with this. Right, it's his longevity first of all, because he's immortal unless you're of the unless you're of the Tim Allen like, he gets replaced by a new Santa, which I'm actually not a believer in that. Um on Santa University, the Santa is killed every year. I see. But um, that's a brutalist at the pretty brutal lamb. I do like it, though, I do like it. It It is I mean for viole and say it's worth it. But but okay, so Tim Allen is not involved. Tim

Allen is not a good No, there's no Republican. That's good. I'm glad to hear it. Um. He also has the ability to fly around the globe, which I think is very important for a Santa. Y it's key. He has a very good memory and a naughty and nice list, so he is able to hold onto a grudge for quite some time. Yes, And he has a jolly belly and a big booming laugh. Yes. And I think that is basically Santa. You mix those ingredients together, you've got yourself a Santa. Yeah. That and um, you know, bad

labor practices that is true? Are well, actually we don't know. I you know, I got the feeling that Tim Allen's elves were like unionized. Maybe I would hope, so shouldn't unionize people should figure out if that David Krumholt delf that was a part of the union. You don't know, So yeah, I mean, I feel like once we're done with this Santa, it's gonna be so scary. I don't know if it could employ any elves. I think it would.

Everyone will be enslaved to this Santa. But you know, well, well we'll see what happens here sounds jolly to me,

very jolly times. So let's talk about that immortality thing, because that's that's the key thing to Santa is either he must be replaced by a new Santa every year in sort of the Santa Death Arena, that of Santa University or the Big Game, right, or he must be immortal, because you can't have a Santa that just dies and isn't replaced by new Santa, like you can't have a Christmas year or sorry, a Creature Kringle Times year where you tell the children no, no, uh, Santa is dead.

He's not coming back right now. That that would be mean a big good. It would be a bad thing for the economy though, it would be a disasters for the economy in the industry. Santa is dead of your head right. So in fact, if you look into the animal Kingdom, there are animals who, hypothetically speaking, are immortal. So yeah, so let's look at the hydra, and the Hydra is a genus of tiny aquatic animals that are

only a few millimeters long. They kind of unfortunately they look a little bit like a wiener with some tentacles on it. I will show you Oh, oh my god, it looks exactly like that. Yeah, no, I mean I'm not I'm not even having a dirty potty mouth. Looks exactly like tentacles on it. That is not one of those like ink blots that you're just projecting on. It looks just photo realistically what it looks like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. So,

as far as scientists can tell, they don't age. They are biologically immortal, meaning that they're not actually they're not magically immortal. If you squish one, it will die. You can destroy a hydra, but they do not grow old and die, and they only perish because of predation or other environmental factors. Okay, so if they're in ideal conditions, they'll never die exactly. So the cells of hydras are able to infinitely self renew, so theoretically they could live forever.

And this is because that their cells are stem cells or a lot of their cells are stem cells, which means that they're able to continuously divide and differentiate into whichever cell type the body needs. Wow. Okay, and so really, is there any knowledge of like how old the oldest hydra is or how can you tell how old one is? That's a very good question. I don't know that they have found like a super old hydra, probably just because

they get eaten so much because they're so tiny. But they kept them in the lab and they found no signs of aging or deterioration over good chunk of time. That's incredible. Yeah, And one biology researcher Daniel Martinez said, quote, I do believe that an individual hydro can live forever under the right circumstances. So let's make those circumstances happen, Jamie. Right, we just need to make an ideal, Okay, So it's like, as long as Santa is protected right, right, and he

doesn't get into any fights or maybe bad winters. I don't know if they're affected by weather. We need to make us Santa that is the an apex predator Santa exactly, and it moves kind of the same exactly, so that Santa that can survive in different environments, so that it's cells can endlessly reproduce because it is has that hydra DNA and it it is all stem cells. So you chop off a leg, it regrows it. SpongeBob, yeah, exactly, like spob. Dang, it should have just called this episode

SpongeBob is Santa This. I think this animal has points in favor both of the the apex predator and also being able to fly around the globe. So I want to talk about and I have actually talked about this animal on the show before on Go Home Nature, You're Drunk. But this is the cats actalists. It is an extinct pterosaur and parosaurs were winged reptiles of the Messozoic era, so that includes like pterodactyls, and they're not actually dinosaurs.

It's just a different, different group of animals, but they you know, dinosaur times though they were peers, yes there, peers with colleagues. One might say, we don't know they're friends. Well maybe not, it could be friends, but we know at least that they were around. Yes, exactly. So the cats acotaist north Ropy was as tall as a giraffe, probably walked like a giraffe on the ground too, uh, and had a thirty five ft wingspan. So it's about the size of a Cessna two airplane. It's just like

a flying draft. Yeah. I like that sounds like some some deviant arch right right. That's um, that's my Tara Sona. So here here we go. Here is this fella? Whoa that is not what? I wow. Gigantic beak, two huge beak, big strong, meaty neck, wings, claws, tall as a giraffe. Probably had some furry feathers like not for but primitive feathers that kept it warm. And yeah, just like it, I know right, it like friendly. I feel like this is a good framework for our our Santa. Was it

a herbivore carnivore? No, it was definitely carnivore. It was. It was a mean draffe. I mean, I wouldn't say mean just you don't have to like you. I feel like if you know, like you wouldn't call a lion mean it's just eats. I would call a lion mean you know, yeah they're see we got uh. And so there was some controversy over whether these things could fly, because it's really hard to imagine a giraffe sized creature

being able to fly. Usually it's just a little birdies and even the bigger birds can't really fly so good. And so in professor of biomechanics at Chatham University, my Cabban British paleontologist Mark Wooden teamed up to create a computer model of the cats Cootalists and found that it could fly, and it flew up to eighty miles per hour for ten days at altitudes of fifteen thousand feet

according to their how a computer model. Oh my god, yeah, I mean it was in terms of like preserving your energy for that long too, Like I feel like you need to have a few just reindeer in your big mouth to snack on, right, Like, oh, you would just like take some snacks for the ride, exactly, keep it in the side of your beak and your big big beak. Maybe they had like a gol or pouch sort of like bird's beach, you know. Yeah, yeah, I think that now.

Of course, eighty miles per hour even though it could fly up to ten days, and I think that would still not be one night of of trans traversing the world. So you have to mix in a little bit of peregrine falcon. So Peregrine falcons are birds of prey found almost all over the world. They're highly successful urban adapters. They do well in a lot of different environments, so they're kind of good, good to mix into the Santa

salad that I'm making. So they're medium size they're a little over a foot in length with a wingspan of thirty The females are a little larger than males. Always like pointing that out for feminism, you know. And they can fly. They can fly up to two hundred forty miles per hour and there we go. Now we've got some speed during its hunting stoop, which is a dive towards its prey items, and usually it preys on other birds.

Sometimes it does small rodents and reptiles, but mostly other birds because they like I think they just enjoy the sport of it. Like, you know, you can fly, I can fly, but I can just for love game. Yeah, exactly. So because of their high speed dive, they can kill larger birds like sandhill cranes, which are pretty I would say they're about two and a half feet tall. Yeah, they're they're on the larger side compared to these little peregrine falcons, but they just are so fast, they're like

they themselves are like a bullet. And they can also catch tiny swift birds like hunting birds, so they've got a good range of prey that they are capable of snatching out of the sky. Yeah. Yeah, and I think due to the peregrine falcon speed, it's adaptability around the globe, and its precision. It's DNA would be a very nice addition to our Santa um. So for our Santa, I just want to make sure that I'm picturing the schematics. Yeah, well, does the Santa fly or or the required or is

it right? I mean, I think that we're going to just combine it all into stream. We're gonna streamline our Santa. We're gonna get rid of all of the yeggs. We're gonna get rid of all of the sort of bells and whistles that don't know regular hardware too much. So let's put it all in our big cats a codal claws Santa or hydro cats a total cloths. This Santa straight up flies on his own strata flights, so he's

got Now. Some science purists out there might say that, oh, peregrine falcon can fly that fast because it's smaller than it cats a cuotalist, and it can build up speed by diving down. But I would argue, I think, now I'm not physics. You're not, I, Katie Golden, am not physics. I think larger objects do fall faster right, listen, m I Jamie Long just am not physics, right, but sounds good to me, right, And of course I'm sure drag has something to do with it. You don't want too

much drag. But if you have a streamlined cats a quotalists and immortal cats a quotalists with hydro d NA who has the precision diving skills of a Paregrine falcon, I feel like it could get You can get as fast as a plane, right it would? Yes, yeah, yes, yes, I can't say as a physicist, but I can say yes for sure. This may require sort of a a dive bombing of houses. People would probably be destroyed. But I mean, but it's with these sorts of things you

can't know until you try. You don't until you make the prototype, name it, get to know it. If it doesn't work out, we'll just kill it. How do you like? Do you like hydro kstal clause? I like. I think it fall. It trips right off the time it does. I think it's sort of like a sweet honey off off the mouth. I think it'll be great for merchandizing. Yeah, people will want that actual figure. It's good on a mug. Yeah, yeah, I know. We're going to teach a new generation how

to spell hydrototal clause. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the DNA of a hydra, the body of a catsicotalists, and the clause of a man that sounds like the introduct sugar the power of girls, adding some sugar and spice and chemical X and chemical X. It turns out chemical X is a ground up peregrine falcon. No kidding. Yeah, I don't want to say that. That's that is what it is. Read the fine print all the hi there. I'm always looking for ways to make my life easier as a

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Santa has a frighteningly good memory. He knows which kids are naughty and nice and dolls out his sentences accordingly. So to make our own Santa will need to borrow from some animals with a great memory. When you think of the top animal when it comes to recollection, you might think of an elephant. Do elephants actually have great memory? Or is the phrase an elephant never forgets just a big honkin why? In fact, this seems to be one

saying that's actually based in biological fact. Observations have shown that they seem excited when being introduced to a familiar elephant, even if they haven't seen each other in over two decades. Elephants also have long term memory for successful traveling routs, their comrades, and traumatic experiences. They even learned that strangers

are more likely to attack elderly matriarchs. That's right, These elephants are a matriarchy as opposed to younger matriarchs, so they'll huddle more defensively when a stranger approaches when they know that they have an older matriarch. But having an older matriarch can come in handy. A study found that

older elephants learned from past traumas. From nineteen fifty eight to nineteen sixty one, there was a terrible drought in Tanzania's Tarrania National Park that killed off African elephant calves at ten times the normal rate. Elephant matriarchs that were at least five years or older at the time remembered. So in ninetee, when conditions indicated another drought may happen, they led their herd to migrate and to find another area more suitable, whereas younger elephant matriarchs did not and

suffered a greater loss of calves. So we could give our Bio Santa some elephant DNN called today. But I want to give him such a powerful mixture of strong minded animals that he never forgets a single knotty act ever, holding a grudge for his eternal life. I like it, okay.

So this would be able to remember, not just whether a child was not or nice this year, but it's previous record of you know, maybe improvements were made, maybe they've taken a sort of dip, right right, Yeah, And I don't want to make it seem like hydroquotal clause is sorry, hydro cats a cootal clause. He's a monster. I don't think like if you pee your pants once, I don't think he'll eat you. If you pee your pants on purpose multiple times, maybe, but then if you

improve over the years, maybe he'll give you pass. He'll start to I think that, you know, improvement over time would be a big incur I mean, he's not a monster. He just looks and sounds like he's sort of a Doctor Manhattan sort of character where he's impartial and he's an impartial judge in a way, but he's got more passion. I think he's a passionate well. I feel like he

also knows some child psychologists too. Um that maybe that's and and that could be a roundabout gift is the gift of child therapy, I think is in order for any child that comes across the Santa that we're making. So let's give him some more animal DNA so that he's got a memory. Now I do want to um, I'm probably going to get some strongly worded letters from the Academy of Science is saying you can't just smoosh a bunch of DNA together to create a new animal.

To you, I would say, where's your holiday spirit? Exactly? Did you lose it when you did all your sis? I'm sorry, doctor Scrooge. The science community is notoriously grin chy PhD in grinchiness. So we'll continue. So let's give our Santa some dolphin brains, right, So dolphins have pretty dang good memories. Researchers found dolphins can remember the calls

specific to their friends for up to twenty years. And dolphins are pretty neat because they have some little squeaks and whistles that are these specific calls that kind of in a way act as names for each other. It's like an identifying call. It's like their calling card, sort of like catchphrase. Like when I walk into room and like, is everyone having a golden time? It's golden all right? And then we all cheer, stand up and cheer, yeah, exactly,

going for the gold. Then are like, hi, it's a golden I have so many friends, I mean, and we love it, we love it, we live for it. Yeah, So these bottlenose dolphins have the longest memory of an animal other than humans. That's been verified by science. Now, that does not mean that other animals do not have longer memories. We just don't. We haven't recorded it in a lab environment, in an experiment. So at the very least, there is an animal out there that can at least

remember their buddies for twenty years. And I think that's pretty impressive. I think that's pretty honestly, didn't even know that dolphins lived that long. Yeah, forty years. Yeah, I'm sure probably longer when the conditions are right. Sure. Wow. I don't know why I thought that they lived about as long as like a dog would. I mean, I couldn't see them as being sort of the puppies of the ocean. I guess maybe I just don't think of dolphins as ever. I've never looked at a dolphin, have

been like that. Dolphin looks old. They do. They do have very good skin. They don't really get that the you know, those fine lines and wrinkles. They just are bathed in retinal every night. I should be taken nuts, We should be taken well, but I'm not satisfied with just elephants and dolphins. Let's look at some animals who can actually hold a grudge, because I think that's important. Dolphins have the the friendly Kringle time spirit of remembering

their friends, which is good. We do need that in our Santa. But we also need our Santa to be able to hold a grudge to punish the naughty. Yes, so let's look at ravens and crows. Now, these are some of my favorite birds. As people may know listening to the podcast. They and you may also remember from previous episodes that crows are able to remember bad people and they will hold a grudge. I did not know that. So there's a study of crows at the University of

Washington where researchers banded crows to study them. That's when they put those fun little plastic bracelets on their legs. But they would wear these masks because they knew that they can remember faces, and they will harass researchers when they're mad at them. And then they just for the point of curiosity, they saw how long it would take for them to forget the masks and the answers they don't didn't really let it slide. They never forgot, I

mean they don't. I wouldn't say they never forgot, but they didn't when the researchers tried it again. So they remember the masks for years, and and they would attack and scold the mask wearing researchers. And when a crow scold you, it sounds like bro stop it. Wow. Yeah, so they're like vengeful little Yeah. I like that though. I mean I would be mad if you were being repeatedly tagged the bracelet on me. Yeah, it makes I mean, it's it's a rational outrage. I'm just hacking and plastic,

you know. It's I'm the problem for being shocked that they can do that. Of course they can. And in fact, and this is I think a new fact for listeners to the show, which is that they can pass on their grudge to their crow children. So in three years time, the grudge bearing crow population grew from of crows being mad at the researchers to six of the crows being mad at the researchers. So they were teaching each other to hold this grudge, which I think is I think

that's amazing. I think it's really good. I think we can all learn a lesson from that and then and no one was letting it go. It wasn't like a group pass or the crows didn't grow passive over time. I don't think. I haven't seen research that indicates that. I'm sure if you had long enough, maybe they would. But I struggled to hold a grudge because I had of years. I was like, I get bored of fudges.

I pulled that out of my butt. But I was thinking how long it would take me to get over a grudge, and maybe thousands of years would do it for me. I can hold a grudge for like to two years, unless it's like the worst thing every two years. That's very that's very sweet of you. My thing is like I very rarely have a grudge like I In fact, like very few behaviors will would ever qualify as a grudge behavior for me. It's like instant forgiveness for most things.

But like, if you ever do cross me, like in a meaningful way, in a meaningful way, that's thousands of years, thousands, thousands, millions. The movie The Grudge is about a grudge you helped, Yeah, exactly, that was me. That was my that was my What is the monster in the grudge is it like a little boy is a little boy with pale skin? And I always confuse the grudge in the ring. I was thinking of that ring. The ring is the little girl

with the hail skin climbing out of the TV. Yes, I will climb out of a TV and and you know, come for you and give you a stern talking to. It would be a pleasure. Yeah, I mean, I'll be like, hey, hey, listen, I have a grudge against you because that time you know, that time you stole my some flower seeds. I don't actually not, I can't even think of one. Really, I don't know if I have a grudge. I just it's like I think I would imagine if I did ever

have one, it would last an awfully long time. Yeah, it's a different person a person. Yeah, maybe you'd have to intentionally stub my toe because I am very angry at corners. Yeah, I mean the corner community and you. It's been a standoff for years. It's a real problem. It's the it's I get very mad and upset. Yeah. So let's uh. If you're wondering whether Ravens also hold grudges, they do. They do so A new paper in animal behavior reveals that ravens can remember who's been naughty and

who's been nice to them. So ravens who were raised by humans were presented with a deal, and they would exchange a piece of bread, which is boring, I guess to the ravens, for a piece of cheese, which is really exciting and great. I feel the exact same way. I do think it's unfair this experiment, because to me, bread and cheese together is even better than one or the other. But you know, research isn't about research, isn't

about hospitality, that's not about them enjoying the best possible meal. Exactly. They created the system where you turn in your bread, you get a cheese, but some researchers, you know, holes as they are, instead of exchanging the bread for the cheese, they would take the bread and then they would eat the cheese themselves. Oh yeah, rude, that's okay, And and

the ravens would not forget. Yeah, these cheese thieves. The ravens learned to avoid the unfair researches, and they would remember their faces and they're like, no, no, no, no, you're you stole my cheese. I remember you didn't make me forget, So I mean I would remember some stole my cheese. Maybe that's grudu worthy for me. Well that's great. That is gruduatethys right in front of your face, right,

especially if I pay for it with some bread. I hand you a loaf of bread or sorry, not a whole loaf unless it's really good cheese, like a slice of bread out of my bread wallet, and I expect a cheese in return, and you eat it in front of me. I'm not gonna lit that slide. Unbelievable. Yeah, I'm impressed. And I like that the animals that can hold grudges look like the animals who can hold grudges. Yes, the crow and raven look is very they have a

sinister reputation. Yeah, i'd say it's an austere les. Yeah, I mean, I don't think it's out of the question that. I mean, well, we know that you can get them on your side. Yes, let's just treat them. Treat them. They aren't unfair, they are very fair. It is we who must watch ourselves. So I think that's actually I think that's a really good addition to the to the Should we call call him a hydro a crotal crotal. Oh that's great. Yeah, okay, that drips off the tongue

like ambrosia. It really does. It's delicious, it's tasty. That's a tasty word. Every hydats a crotal clause clause crotal crotal is a good word to it's a crotal morning that love manner. Humans have really good memories, even if it feels like you forget where your keys are. The fact you can remember things for many decades make you one of the best remembers in the animal kingdom. But some humans are particularly extraordinary when it comes to memory.

Most of us don't remember every minute of our lives, but people with highly superior autobiographical memory or h s a M can remember almost every moment of their lives, and sometimes excruciating detail. They're able to recall accurately almost every day. Can you remember what you did on say, June second, eighteen, I mean, I know what I was doing, probably looking at gross pictures of endo parasites, as I

do every day. But generally speaking, it's very difficult to remember a specific given day unless it has some sort of significance. But when tested in laboratory conditions. People who claim to have highly superior autobiographical memory really can recall specific details of randomly chosen days, which are double checked by researchers using external records. One person with h S a M described her memory as a library of VHS

tapes that she could browse through. One theory is that people with h S a M have more brain activity associated with fantasizing, meaning they'll replay events of each day over and over until it's committed to memory. People with h S a M often describe it both as a blessing and a curse. Just like most memory is recalling good memories in our life as a treasure, but having

to remember upsetting memories over and over again. That embarrassing time in fourth grade when a bug went up your nose and you sneezed it all over your desk and everyone saw you do it. That would be terrible if, hypothetically someone couldn't forget that. Yeah, when we return, we'll give our biological mutants Santa his characteristic big belly and laugh. How did Santa come to be the white bearded, red coated, big bellied man we know and fear? Older images of

Santa depict him without his jolly trademarked belly. The original Santa, historically speaking, was St. Nicholas or sintor Cloths, an ancient Christian bishop who lived in what is now Turkey from two hundred seventy to three forty three, who legends have it was kind to children and would give them praisens. He had that long white beard in a winter coat, but he wasn't ever depicted as being red cheeked and round.

This depiction came about in eighteen ninety when American illustrator Tom Snast published a book of drawings called Thomas Nests Christmas Drawings for the Human Race. Santa was drawn with a white beard, red coat and hat, and a big old belly. That image cemented itself into modern Western culture, and the ever evolving beauty standards for Santa's for now

is based on this particular image. It's a very rigid aesthetic. Yeah, I think that in many ways Santa has participated in the female experience by having such an absolutely rigid look. I mean, you go on Santa Grim and you see, like every Santa looks the same same thing, and I don't. Yeah, they have the beard they don't have any pores and they have the perfect roundness, and I think it's unfair to like, it's not even and it's not the Santa's fault.

It's it's the system that insists that they all look this way and if any Santa strays from the norm, it's so brave and it's like, no, that Santa is just doing them. I just it's very frustrated, hard to know. It's frustrating to be a Santa of like the non sort of conforming Santa and having to be a statement rather than you just being you Like, it's just it's it's the Santa is doing the same job with equal efficiency.

Like if you get a gift from a Santa who doesn't have a white beard, are you going to be like, oh, I don't like this gift because because that's it is. It's not okay a young Santa. Give me a young differently shaped Santa. We had a young pope, but we need a young Santa, young Santa, fox young Santa. But that's going to be quacked out for sure, Hallmark, are you listening, um, So let's give let's give our hydro crotal cradle. What my high ability to say it is

rapidly to hydrot crotal clause. Yes, let mean I can write it for a stand here hydro cats crowd so clause. Yeah, I'm gonna make it big fonts so we can read it really good. There we go, hydro clause, there we go. Whoa, that's a lot of consonants. All right, the more consonants the marriers. What I say, So there's that Christmas spirit. What do you what animal do you think has the highest body fat percentage in the world. Oh, I feel

like I'm going to give a basic, boring answer. I guess like hippos or although they're very strong, that's not true. Hippo's is a good guest because they seem they look like it. I'm not about to be here and say, hey, gotcha. They look bulky. But guess what. It's a lot of muscle. But it's actually a lot of skin, thick, thickle skin. So so yeah, hip they don't have a lot of high body fat percentage. Most of their thick body comes from muscle and that thick armor like skin. So eighteen

percent of their body weight is that thick skin. They're eight skin skin that is wild and their skin also produces its own sunscreen. It's like this pinkish fluid that yeah they make. They're just like self produced their own little goop. Yeah they're they're hippo goo wow. Yeah wow. That's that's good for them. Yeah, exactly, thrill for them. I was quick to judge, and I regret it. We could give we could give our our hydridts of crotal claws some hippo skin instead of the red coat, could

be Hippo's not gonna be red. It's going to be sort of pink, I guess with the sunscreen. But as we said, we have to challenge this stem and Santa's of the past have not had wings. Also, hello, a lot of sun exposure lying around the world. Yes, exactly, so if you and and it would be again I mean not to come down too hard in the industry, but if you saw the profit releases from the last quarter of Santa's workshop, they could afford to cut some corners and uh, you know, saving on slay as we've

already resolved that, and saving on sunscreen. Like there there's a lot being done here with this design. I do think it's going to be a big cost to feed and house the Santa though, Oh well, what what do you have to be eating like a lot to keep this good? But that's kind of his I feel like that's kind of in the budget, right, Yeah, you're right. We already had a pretty massive cookie budget and that is just one unshed. We'll have to replace the cookies

with sort of seat feed or mice. Yeah, with meat, Okay, Okay, so we'll swap out the cookies with meat. Yeah, easy done. So maybe we shouldn't give them such a big billy, but you know, we've got to be true. We've got to be true to the Santa grams. I know it's upset, but it's like, if Santa's not driving on social media, then like what we need that social media content exactly, or or he'll become irrelevant exactly. You're gonna tell me

that have Santa Delita's TikTok accountant? Yeah, coronal clause on TikTok has got to be big. It's got to be big. And it's gonna take a while to type that in. So it's gotta be big. We have to make it worth the training. So actually, actually, Jamie, I'm going to ambush you with facts. Okay, So the blue whale has the highest body fat percentage of thirty of their body weight, which is a lot because they are very large, and this helps them float and to maintain body heat in

cold water. So it's it's you know, also known as blubberd's very yeah, very useful and elephant. Seal puppies can reach a body fat percentage of fift in there so cute. If you've seen them that they look like little abloribals. I don't know how else to describe them. But but but but that is the word to describe what can I see? Yes, sew yes, so sausage pet just just very like the best pillow you know. Oh, look at that Kate Bosworth's seal with the blue eye and the

brown love to see it. It's a good look. It is a good look. I think the the sort of chunka tud is very good. Oh yeah, I mean you've gotta have the chrunka tude if it's not high. What's the right now? The reason the seal puppies have such a high body fat percentages they're drinking this really rich milk from their mothers that really gets them up and that's very important for their survival, to insulate them in, to give them fuel. Who loves milk, Katie, Santa Claw.

It all comes together, and we did replace the cookies with meat, but the milk stain dunks. His little feet are mice in the milk. Exactly beautiful holiday card imagery. We're talking about another another animal that looks like they're they have a high body fat percentage, but it's actually mostly moscle is walrus is they're only fat and they're moscle mossel, muscle muscle. Okay, so I'm trying to do you know the Schwarzenegger Yeah, mossel. There, we got these

fixed sea creatures out there. I like it. I mean it kind of makes sense because they have to float and they have to be able to fend off the coldness of the water and defensive. It's probably also defensive to I mean, I mean, I know walruses have to survive walrus male rival males can do I think I

blocked that out. Yeah about that there. There there's some violent I like when goofy looking animals have a violent culture, You're just like, oh, okay, you know what defy defined expectations, like like chipmunks, they are they they'll kick each other when they're doing their winter storage. They'll steal from each other and sometimes like fight in in kate each other. Can can't tell you something, sure, I hate chipmunks really,

I Well, it's because of a childhood trauma. Can share. Yes, Um, So we used to go on vacation in this like we go to New Hampshire, um, like for one week out of the summer, and we would be kind of near the lake, but you would have to like walk down from the house to the lake. And on one occasion, I think I was three or four years old, I was like running down to the lake and I there was a chipmunk that crossed my path and he stopped. He looked at me, and I was like, oh my gosh,

it's a chipmunk. And then it looked like he was just going to run away, but dead he or she panicked and went at me and bit me and I little chipmunk by and it was so cute. But you get chipmunk powers. I didn't. It wasn't even radioactive, so what was it was just pointless? Yeah, I would have loved to become a radioactive chipmunk. But I've always I always like, even now, you have that little react. You're

just like, yeah, who do they think they are? Yeah, if you want to get mobbed by aggressive chipmunks, you can go to Angels Landing in Zion National Park. I was there. I got swarmed by chipmunks because I was too much of a weenie to go on the final The Angels Landing hike is actually quite scary because you have to it's very sheer. It's not super dangerous. Now, I mean people have died doing it. It's pretty rare. It's not dangerous, right, I mean people have died on stairs,

but who have died in in lifts? Yeah, exactly. Well, yeah they're sorry. We were just talking about that, I guess, but yeah, exactly. So like being you know, hundreds of feet off the ground and like fall you know, in a very narrow pathway big mountain at a big peak, Yeah that's not that's not so bad. But yeah I didn't do it because I was being very slow and

it's also very crowded. There's a big line of people, and as I was being slow and I got like like a little bit of the fear, and so I turned around and then the chipmunks just kind of swarmed me. And made fun of me for my cowardice, which was great. They're like that, Yeah, they're petty, little take advantage of weakness, my psyche chip wrecked telling you that much. Did you see that Chipwrecked? It was one of the the one

of the squeakles or pre squeakles. It was believe it wasn't a pre squeak It was a squeak wal it was a squeak. Well, it's hard because it's you know, the Alvin and the Chipmunks extended universe is very dense, right, and but ill leave. It was the second squeak ol third movie in the Holy Trilogy. Yeah, I mean speaking of singing chipmunks, this is a segue into howler monkeys. Right, So we gotta give our hydro cats a crotal clause, a really good, big old laugh, right, we got it.

That's like the Santa thing. If it doesn't boom, there's no room. There's no room for the Santa Santa. There's no more Yeah, no more room, Get out, get out, good good thing. So the Howler monkey. The Howler monkey is one of the largest New World monkeys. It lives in South and Central American rainforests. To give you us into their size. They're about a couple of feet long, not including their tails, and their tails can actually be five times longer than their bodies, so really big old tails.

And exactly, and these are functional fashion because they are prehens style and they can use them to pick berries, well not well maybe berries, but pick fruits and nuts from trees. And depending on their species, they can range in color from black to red to goldish brown. I think red is sort of the more the most usual color. And as their name suggests, they are capable of very loud calls to communicate with each other over long distances. So I think, yeah, so females and males both call,

but males have the really loud call. I mean might right'll just yap yap yap, and I mean yeah. It is a good stereotype that men don't shut the quack up. Yeah, exactly, self censured and I'm proud of myself. Very good. Yes, So males have a specialized hioid bone, hioid bone. It's hard for me to say hioid bone a bone that we also have. So if you feel up your neck, there's little this guy like a fan, like you're in front of a fan boys, Luke, I am your father.

Another classic trilogy, not as good as The Squeak Wolves. Right, thanks for derailing me with Star Wars. I'm so sorry. I don't know a damn thing about out there anything today. I was thinking it would be funny if Luke kind of brother named Mike, and then we just learned about him in the last twenty minutes of build up a whole trilogy, like the Skywalker. Like that, Mike skyt it actually rings better than Luke Skywalker. Yeah, and he sounds more man of the people than Luke Skywalker. Mike is

a there's no problem blue potato farmer in space Iowa. Yeah. If you watch the director's director's cut of the first movie or what is the first, is the fourth or whatever the oldest one, Yes, you can see Luke sky eye Walker says uncle aunt Mikey Mikey on his space Bikey. It's implied that Mike dies, and then we learned forty years later he actually didn't. He was actually protected by

the photon blasts by his blue space potatoes. But exactly, yes, were it's served as a shield And that's a metaphor for something. Were we talking about howler monkeys where we were, all right, So let's talk about this highoid phone again. I can't. It's funny. It's a funny word to me. So the male howler monkeys that high highoid bone is it's actually filled with air and it acts as a

resonance chamber to make their voices louder. And they also have like really big throats, and they just basically are an instrument, an animal instrument, and they may be the loudest land animal. Their howls can be heard from at least three miles away, and the purpose of these hows is mostly territorial, as a warning to say, hey, we're over here, you guys, like pick another place because we

don't want to fight. Like they don't necessarily want to, so they're just like hey, hey, hey, like yeah exactly, got it. Yeah. It's like when you sort of pass of aggressively put the umbrella up when you go to the beach. You're like, yeah, this is my family. Try you could try. It's not going to go well, it's not going to go well, got it? So they can sometimes how in a whole chorus, and I want to give you good sense of since this is going to

be our our Santa's new new pipes. Yeah that's a monkey, Yeah, abolutely not. You want Santa clause sorry, hydrocates a croto clause to sound like that. It's got to travel, he's got to project and the monkeys are Howler monkeys are the best at projection, project projecting their their beautiful voices over, Like, how else are you going to? Santa is gonna be high in the sky. You gotta here is trademark, ho ho ho, And I don't know. You're gonna have to

be a little less picky. It's gonna sound a little bit like, oh, that's a monster friendly. Christmas is full of Kringle. No, no, it's full of Kringle spirit. Okay, you're right, I need to I need to relax. Yeah, I need to relaxe. You're being a little bit grunch. I was activate. I have like a fighter flight sand in your clumb pudding, I do, and you gotta scoop it out. I think it's okay, So you know that that is I think we'll have to give Santa the

highoid bone of a Howler monkey. But maybe you're right, maybe that's not jovial enough. So let's look at some more jovial animals. Okay, well I looked into which animals laugh, which I think is important. So we know that, as we've talked about on the show before, rats will giggle and they do an ultrasonic chirping in response to being tickled.

Now we're talking, but we can't use that because it's got to be able to be something we can hear, and we can't hear the ultrasonic titters of rats being tickled. As cute as that is, apes actually laugh. So Bnobo's gorillas, chimpanzees, and orangutans they laugh. Do they laugh cute or did they Well, let's start off with the bad news. Let's start off. Let's start off with the bad news. So here's a gorilla getting tickled on his foot. This is by cell Press. Will include a link to it in

the in the notes. That's kind of a that's a kind of low chuckle. That's fun. I like that. Yeah, it sounds like they're they're, you know, not not making a show of it, right. That's my favorite kind of laughers that my shows, the ones that kind of go like, yeah, I don't like when people make it when you when you look out into that ground and you hear that low rumbling right and you say, hey, you sound like a cilla getting tickled on the foot. And then and

then they just keep laughing. They just keeping That's why I do it. Let's do here's a here's a I think this one is legitimately cute. This is a chimp laughing caught on camera by the BBC. So here, let me get a good This is adorable. This is adorable. Yeah, I love I want this one. I vote this one all right? Yeah, cude, he's like he sounds like he just got away with something. Yes, yes, yes, so sort of a snickering, snickering Santa. Yeah, like that little cheeky snicker.

I think a little a little snicker would fit the physical profile of this Santa too, please, sort of a booming can you have a loud snicker? Yes? I mean if we if we added the Howler surround sound system on it, you could really make that thing boom and you would have to switch up the merch a little no more ho ho ho he. And it's like when yeah, like, I don't know is the he is that you text someone when you're flirting. I always get confused of like

which I'm not. I've texted it to my mom. I know I have to, but I'm pretty sure that that's the flirtaous. I think canonically that's the flirtatous. Yeah, I don't know. One hair is very matter of fact. It's a little bit creepy to see written out, even though I do it all the time. Could we add in an extra e to make it a little better? But he he he, I think Santa could benefit from a he he heat about a h h hey, oh I would. I don't know how. I thought that would be high

high high right? Hi? What is that? What if you is at a high high high. It's kind of it's almost like a fat Albert head right right? Hi hi hi hi Hi Hi yeah hi hi high it's Christmas? Hi hi hi? I like that? Yeah, just to too quick honorable mentions. Dolphins whistle whild play fighting, and dogs laugh by panting in a specific way. And when other dogs hear this panting laugh, they become playful as well. And I know my dog does will probably know what

this is. It's sort of like what they go like, you know, it's not it's not panting like that's sort of like I I just ran around and yeah, but and it's sort of like it's it's playful. It's like it's like, yeah, my dog, my dog does that, but it inappropriate and inappropriate ha ha. He's well, he's red pilt, so he he does he does that when very tragic things happen come on getting together. It's not he's going to be on the naughty list. It's oh, he's screwed.

He's absolutely screwed. Yeah. So I think we've made a pretty good good news Santa, right, yeah, yeah, And do you like you like the hydrocts a crotal clause? I think is yes, hydrock. How are we How are we adding in? Are we adding anything? I think if we try, I mean, it's clearly the DNA of all these animals, but if we add in more syllables to the name, it's going to break under its own weight. So we can't.

We can't. They the Z is sort of a load bearing letter, and we can't fuss with the physics anymore else that word is just going crumble like a ground cracker and too much milk. That's fair, that's fair, that's fair, and a beautiful metaphor to this. So I have prepared a song. Oh okay, this is sung to the tune of Jolly old St. Nicholas, whom we are is shoeing

into for our better Santa, or biologically accurate Santa. So I have prepared lyrics, Jamie, you've never seen these, So this is going to be I'm going to try, and I'm going to put an instrumental track under this, and we're going to give it a shot. And this is the revised each your Kringle Time song with our new how what would you describe hydrock kids a crotal clause as our holiday, our father holiday. Well you said we couldn't use the word monster, No we can't be Okay,

then I'm really going to be struggling. I our holiday mascot mascot. Yea all knowing, all occasionally vengeful mascot. Yes, yes mascot. So here here it is to the tune of the worst song Jolie. Hydroids a croton clause, with your giant neck and wings and your hydra DNA. Here's what I have today, Creature Kringele times. As soon when you will make your flight so massive you blot out

the moon? What an awful sight? Best as a pare green falcon as fast as race cars go, saxopher able to hold a grudge as long as an elephant or a crow. Oh, hydro cats, a crotal claws tearing through the snow, a blue whale, blubber belly and skin of a hippo immortal hydro caps, a crotal loss, and a tex spread at or very nice girls and boys who cower at his sword at least not a monster before? Are you not a kid? Don't expect some cold dr cats croto clods will gobble you up. Oh that was good.

That was yeah, that was nice. Well, it was a new class. I think it's gonna be top of the charts and if it's not, it's gonna be cross hell. Yeah, well, thank you so much for joining me today. I'm feeling it. Part two is nice. But do you wanna do you wanna plug anything? Yeah? You follow me on on Twitter at Jamie Loft just help um. And I I'm really seeing a new podcasting called My Year in Mens Up, so you can listen to that soon. I'm excited for that.

Oh I'm just waiting for that iTunes approval. Maybe you can find us online. Creature feature pod dot com dot com, Creature feature pot on Instagram, Creature feet pot on Twitter. That's f e a T, not f ET. That's something very different and I have been Katie Golden and I am also pro birds rights Little Human Friend, so please go follow that as well. Thanks to the Space Classics for their super festive song Exo Lumina. Creature features a

production of I Heart Radio's How Stuff Works. For more podcasts from my heart Radio, visit the heart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. See you next Wednesday. Praise Hydro, Praise him. M hm hm