Creature Classic®: Will It Cuddle or Kill You?

Welcome to Creature feature production of iHeartRadio. I'm your host of Many Parasites, Katie Golden. I studied psychology and evolutionary biology, and it's no secret I love animals and I want to cuddle all of them. But sadly, most animals are not available for cuddles, as they're wild animals or they're that grumpy house cat who keeps rejecting me. Unfortunately, I'll have to stick to giving my dog belly rubs, because as cute as wild animals can be, they certainly don't

Welcome, Joey, Hey, everybody. Yeah, I'm excited to be back. I'm excited. I feel like I might do well in this game. But I also I just assume that every animal that looks adorable is probably also not deadly, so I feel like I might die pretty fast.

The last time I had you on, I think we talked about Cats, right, Cats the musical, Cats the animal.

Yeah, Cat's the musical and Cats the animal, And I write I still think that seeing the Cats movie live is the most fun that I've ever had watching a movie live. So my taste is off, is what I'm saying.

Yeah, all right, well, so let's get right into it. We're gonna play a little game on this show where we try to guess which one of these animals is gonna want to cuddle you and which one will kill you. And when I say cuddle you, none of these animals actually really want to cuddle you, because they're wild animals. But you know, in a situation where it's like you have to choose either to cuddle it like to cuddle

So, looking at the pictures of these animals, I my immediate gut reaction based on pictures is like, Oh, that'd be cute to cuddle a catfish. It's got the word cat and it's name, so of course I'm gonna be on board for it. But I think that I'm gonna choose the grid or the I think I'm gonna choose the garial. Yeah, I think I'm gonna choose the garial crocodile because I feel like I might have heard stories of catfish like eating people, so like, I think that that's.

Actually from the show Catfish, where a cannibal convinces someone to dater and then she eats them.

Was okay in this situation? Was the cannibal a catfish that convinced was it like the cannibal and actually.

Catfish on the show? Yeah, it was a catfish on the show Catfish, and the catfish catfished a human and then ate the human exactly.

Oh okay, yeah, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, yeah, I believe that. But yeah, so I'm gonna say the garial crocodile just because I think I've heard of catfish eating humans.

Well, I don't think catfish actually eat humans. Now, there is a thing that people will do called catfish noodling, where they will their arm in a catfish den and the catfish will chomp down on their arm and then they pull the catfish out of the water. Now, this is a very dangerous way to fish because first of all,

They're also called catfish because they love laser pointers, right.

Exactly, Yes, yes, if you bring a laser pointer under the water, You're gonna have a fun time with the catfish. Not really, So catfish do not have scales. They actually have this smooth, mucous covered skin which helps them respirate, so they can take in oxygen and do gas exchange through their skin, which is pretty interesting. And the reason you don't really want to cuddle a catfish is that

This is how I find out that I didn't win that award.

Geez, sorry, sorry, the Joey Cliffs order does not have the most venomous species.

Nuts.

It's actually wait, what was that? God damn, I was gonna do a bit about Joan Rivers and then I forgot about what Joan Rivers name was, So you know, she's also dead.

So she's also dead because she was filled with too much venom. She produces ven.

All the people like under thirty something listening to this, I'm gonna be wondering what the hell is going on?

But yeah, yeah, yeah, so like next next, you're gonna talk about Charlemagne from a first person of like, look, I was telling Charlemagne this joke and he loved it.

So the most dangerous species of catfish are the Heteronoustis and Plotosus. So Heternustis are a genus of Asian catfish which can hospitalize humans with their powerful stings, which are also extremely painful. So you know it's gonna be a bad time with these catfish. Unfortunately.

Have you have you ever been like stung by anything with venom?

You know, I have lived a blessed life where I have actually not been stung by that many animals. And maybe it's because they since I'm an ally or something, but I have never been stung by a bee. I've only gotten very mild spider bites. I don't think. I don't even think I've ever gotten a jellyfish sting. And I lived next to the beach for like growing up, so yeah, no, I haven't.

I think that I also am just such an indoor person that I don't think I ever have the closest I think I've come is when I was two years old, a bee flew into my eye. Oh no, it didn't sting me. And I remember literally like like pointing and

There's this biologist and I forgot his name, but he went around the world ranking the painfulness of stings and guess how he did it by just stinging himself with a bunch of different animals.

Yeah, isn't that what what is that? The Kinsey scale or what is that? Like?

No, the Kinsey scale is sexual?

They think, Oh right, I'm dumb.

How sexual you feel towards venomous animals?

Oh okay, god, oh then I'm like a twelve out of out of one. Yeah, yeah, I think, uh yeah, I've definitely read about that guy. I mean that's why, like it's it's a scale of like one to five or something like that. I think that like bullet ants and murder hornets are like the far are like the higher end of it. And then I want to say that there's also just like a guy with a YouTube channel. Now that's just like, watch me get stung by this bug?

Oh really, is this a real thing?

Or do you think it just no is a real thing. Okay, it's like.

Well, I know what I'm doing. After we wrap this up.

Oh yeah, I'll send you a link. Everybody watch it. Everybody listening to this, just google YouTube sting guy.

I don't know.

I don't know if it's actually what his channel's called, but I don't know. Guy getting stung by something will come up.

Guy getting stung by something at the name of the channel. So. The other group of species of catfish that you really really do not want to mess with are the plotosis. So Plotosis are a genus of catfish that live in the Indian Ocean in New Guinea and the Western Pacific. They live in fresh, brackish and marine water, so they're found in a good variety of places, and some species can get as big as four feet long, and their stings are extremely venomous. So one species, the striped eel catfish,

I don't but I don't know why that's something that cute could harm me. It's so cute.

Yeah, they have these black and white stripes. They're like a little stripey water kitty, a cute little water kitty. But it will kill you if it stings you, and if you're it doesn't always kill you if you're stung by one of these catfish, but if you're lucky enough not to die, they can cause necrosis and that can require amputation. So you know that's not great. I don't think.

I mean, I think that, like, look, if that's the risk I gotta take to pet catfish, then like that's the risk at their amputation, tetation or cuddling a slimy animal. I will choose cuddle.

You're willing to put it all on the line for these catfish. Yep. So in contrast, the garial crocodile is extremely frightening looking. So it is a crocodile, as is

I am looking at the picture of you sent me of this crocodile. I wouldn't have guessed that it's so big because it just looks so happy, like it's like it's like a side view, and its mouth is open really wide, and it looks like it's.

Staying hi hawty. Yeah, yeah, it's and it's kind of cute because it has well, Okay, I guess my definition of cute is maybe, you know, unique. But it has this really long, thin snout with one hundred and ten to one hundred and twelve really sharp teeth, and they I don't know, it's just kind of funny to me that they have these huge bodies and then these really long, skinny snouts. I think it's I think it's kind of cute.

Oh yeah, like there's douts. It just does look like it looks kind of like, oh yeah, that's a Pixar character.

But they are actually carnivores and they look kind of I don't know, they look very prehistoric, maybe even more so than other crocodiles. Like just it's that weird proportion of these long snouts with all these teeth sticking out, and they just look like, uh, something from before humans were around.

Yeah, I mean, what's isn't that the story of like crocodiles have evolved the least of I mean, it's like they're like a crocodile today and a crocodile ten million years ago looks like basically the same thing.

Yeah. Yeah, they haven't evolved all that much. I mean, we know that they have evolved somewhat, especially because like you know, you see the garial crocodile that's about five million years old, and then the older crocodiles are over eighty million years old, so there's some evolution and different species coming up. But yeah, they haven't really had to change all that much.

I mean, I get it. This crocodile definitely does look it looks like it looks cute. I don't know that crocodile doesn't have to change a thing.

You don't have to. I love it for the way it is. It doesn't have to change for me, and it is to make you fall even more in love. They're pretty shy, ah, so they don't tend to trifle with prey larger than a fish. Those long snouts with all those scary looking teeth are actually just used for fishing. They have sensory cells on the tips of their snouts that can feel vibrations in the water, so they just kind of snap up fish and skewer them in those rows and rows of teeth.

Do you think that every time it does that, it makes like a gulping sound, like it's small as a fish, and then it just goes like.

I do, yes, absolutely, oh, and it gets cuter. So they actually typically kind of like run away from humans, and those really highly specialized jaws are not used for stalking and hunting and chomping down on bigger prey, and it probably so when it does attack a human, it can't really do all that much damage. I have seen these claims online where it's like, oh, it's jos strength

So, uh so I have a question, Uh do you fill them with gasoline?

Do you fill the garials with gas Do you fill them.

With gasoline so that they're an engine? Is that like do I have? Is that how you make them bite?

I wouldn't recommend it personally, I don't. I mean, I'm not a mechanic and I'm not a crocodile mechanic, but I don't think you should fill them with gasoline.

I wish I wish that. I wish that. I was about to say, I wish that you were a crocodile mechanic, but then I was like, no, I'm gonna be selfish. I wish I was a crocodile can But.

You know, if you if you get a garial and you put some fish around your weeds, it probably will trim the weeds. I guess, yeah. Yeah, it's like trying to go for the You're like holding this massive crocodile and it's like snapping out the fish and maybe it'll get a few weeds. In there.

H yeah, I buy that. I mean it's not like effishient, but I feel like I feel like it would work.

It's not efficient. H so yeah. So basically, the garials are big enough to have a big bite force, and they do. It's just they have these little weed trimmer snouts and you know, they they probably could do a little bit of damage to a person if they wanted to. They just don't want to. And I find that really sweet and adorable.

I feel like weed trimmers are like, I don't like a weed trimmer. If you got hit by a weed trimmer, it wouldn't if it was like the one with the string on it, Like it wouldn't kill you, Like.

It would hurt, but like, well not if you're not doing it creatively.

Yeah. Wait, what do you mean by that?

Nothing? Nothing, nothing. So the gurial they're very shy. They I haven't been able to find a single case of a garial killing a human and there have only been three recorded cases of non fatal attacks since the seventies, which makes them far less lethal and less dangerous than a catfish than even dogs and deer. And deer actually kill a lot of people every year just because of car accidents.

Yes, they're they're the lemmings of the road. Like basically instead of jumping off cliffs.

Now I do have to do for legal purposes defending the honor of the lemmings. Lemmings don't actually follow each other off of cliffs. That is a dirty lie made to slander the lemmings, and they actually don't follow each other off of cliffs. But yeah, deer do seem too love to get into car accidents with people. I think it's an insurance scam. I think the deer trying to get insurance out of it.

I get Lastly, do you do you think that that that lemming lie has been spread by big lemming.

Big flimming. Why would it be spread by big lemming. It would be like spread by big marmot or something.

Yeah, you got a point, Yeah, I get it.

So with these garial attacks, most of them appear to be the garile just being confused and thinking that the person is a fish. So like if you're out bathing or swimming, they mistake a body part of the human as a fish and they give it a bite and then they're like, oh my god, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize you're a person and then they run away.

To be fair, the human that that crocodile killed arms and legs were made of fish, so it was really asking for it by going in that one.

But it didn't even kill the person. So even if this is a garial, there's not even a single case of an alleged garial attack where the person died or even sustained really life threatening injuries.

So yeah, yeah, that sounds like just the dictionary definition of like, oh, yeah, they're more afraid of you than you are of them.

So exactly, yeah, exactly. And just in case you haven't fallen in love with the garyle yet, here are some more cute facts. So males have a little bulbous protrusion on the tips of their snout called a mud pot.

Ah.

They use these as resonance chambers to help them make mating calls, and they also blow bubbles to impress the female.

Ah. I hope that those males, I don't know. I love those males little mud pots.

It's just such a cute. It's such a cute courtship thing of like, may I blow you a bubble, ma'am.

But it's also just that they're called mud pots is adorable.

It is pretty cute. They also let out cries when they're in pain that has been described as sounding like bawling. They're like just these long snouted, shy, little bubble blow and cry babies.

Yeahote thinking about it, I really think I made the right choice, even if catfish don't eat people like Yeah, I think I made the right chip choice in wanting to cuddle a gariel.

Yeah yeah, I mean, don't don't cuddle it, just respectfully socially distanced, say hello to a garyol.

Oh no, no, no, I'm gonna cuddle.

Oh uh oh please don't. The Creature Feature podcast does not endorse cuddling any kind of crocodile, including the garial. Do not try this at home.

Okay, good now, that. Uh now that's don't listen to or do it it sounds great.

No, No, this.

Legal, which just makes me want to do it more.

Yeah. No, they I mean it's gonna be They will be traumatized if you try to cuddle them. They are so shy. Just you know, be respectful, be respectful of the garile. And they're critically endangered, so I feel like we should really care about them, even if they're kind of scary looking. They are adorable and sweet and they need our help.

Okay, So I'm not gonna Okay, so I won't cuddle a gariol. I will just appreciate. I'll just smile multiple times throughout the next week whenever I think of the term mud pod.

That's perfectly fine. Why is catfishing called catfishing? You know the phrase that means someone pretends to be someone online, like pretending to be the King of Norway, but when you meet him it turns out he's just three dogs in a trench coat. You think it's because catfish look cute but can be sinister. Sadly, that's not where the term comes from. The phrase gets its meaning from the twenty ten movie Catfish Kind of Documentary about a man forming a relationship with a woman who isn't who she

Okay, so I I know that the blue ring octopus is one of the most venomous animals out there, so I probably shouldn't pick the blue ring octopus. But the basking shark is a large shark whose mouth looks like it's out of just a Cthulhu story.

I could be tricking you, like this could be the section where I'm like, they both kill you and eat you dead. Congratulations, you lose.

I'm gonna say that I want to cuddle the I want to say I want to cuddle the basking shark.

All right, well, let's take a look at the basking shark then, So the basking shark is the second largest shark in the world, second to the whale shark.

Oh, it'll be the biggest someday, don't you worry, buddy.

Well, I feel like Finding Dory has kind of given the whale sharks some really good press, you know, because it was that character in Finding Dory. What was the whale shark's name? I don't remember.

Yeah, I'm not sure if I've seen Finding Dory, but I'm sure it's cute. That movie looks cute.

There's this like near sighted whale shark and it's very cute. But yeah, the whale sharks are also cute and harmless, but basking sharks look a lot more menacing than a whale shark. Whale sharks kind of they're cute, they have little spots, they look kind of happy and friendly, but basking sharks have these massive, massive mouths. It has gray skin.

Like looking at the photo of it, like its mouth really looks like like it looks like it's opening its neck into its rib change basically.

Right, looks like a portal into the nether world.

And like, although like the basking shark picture that you sent me, like he does look puffy like in a cute way, and then like it's like, oh, I kind of would like to pet the stuffed animal version of a basking shark, but I also am aware that shark skin. It's like if you pet the wrong way, can like cut you open.

Yeah, it's actually they have denticles protrusions coming out of their skin that are actually quite rough. Yeah yeah, it feels like sand papery.

I'm but my point stands, I would like to cuddle that shark. I will take that risk.

They do look like prius monsters, and because they kind of are prehistoric monsters. They evolved around four hundred million years ago, and one of their most notable features, other than just being ginormous, is that they have that huge mouth. They have ros and rows of teeth in the mouth, and they can open. The mouth's incredibly wide enough for an adult human to just kind of waltz right into if you wanted to, just like dude to do here,

Yay.

The teeth that are in their mouth are tiny, and the real business end of this shark are all of the little gill rakers. These are bristles on the inside of its mouth that help them catch plankton because they're just filter feeders.

Yay. So okay, So I could I could walk into the mouth of a basking shark and not die?

Ah yeah, I mean I wouldn't try it because you could drown if you get stuck in there. You could you could hurt the basking shark, but it's probably not gonna know what to do with you. It's probably just gonna try to get away from you. It's not gonna want you in its mouth. I mean, did you ask the basking shark? Did you ask, like, hello, knock on its front mouth part and be like, you know, knock, knock here I am, and it's just gonna be like, uh no, you're not planked in like please don't.

Uh do you think I mean, do you think a basking shark has a doorbell on its snout? Ding dong and then no solicitors? Hey? Yeah, yeah. I feel like if you knocked on the side of a basking shark like it was a door, then it would open up.

There's like a couch in there, and it's like the other version of Pinocchio, where instead of getting eaten by a big, old mean whale, they were eaten by this super chill basking shark. And it's like, hey, we actually kind of like it. In here.

Yeah, I feel like if a basking shark his mouth is big enough to walk into, Like, I feel like a basking shark's mouth is probably bigger than most of our apartments. We should live inside basking sharks exactly.

It's good rent rent controlled basking sharks.

Yeah.

So they feed by moving forward with their giant mouth agape, and they suck in massive amounts of water, and that water flows through their mouth over their gills, and the

I'm curious about, like how much how many pounds of plankton does a basking shark have to eat to survive, because, like you know, plankton's fairly small and basking sharks are gigantic. Are they sucking in like a ton of plankton per day? Like what I don't know.

I mean, I'm not sure how much plankton itself they suck in. They do suck in one thousand, eight hundred metric tons of water every hour. So that's like, what is that, that's like four that's all.

Yeah, that's like that's like four big gulps.

A lot. Oh yeah, it's a lot. But they also have the smallest brain to body ratio of any shark, so we do know that brain size is not always an accurate predictor of intelligence. But it's also true that these basking sharks really don't need all that much brain because they are very they're very chill dudes. They have a very passive lifestyle. They don't have to they don't really have predators to speak of. They, you know, just

Ah. So it's a big old dummies what you're saying, So.

Big old drum dumb ah.

So it's like it's like if a if a shark was Garfield.

It's that these are the You're totally right, these are show hate bud day.

I'm gonna I'm gonna cram so much lasagna down the sharks.

Well, if it's lasagna but it's made out of krill in plankton, I'm sure it would appreciate you do that.

What do you think the shark's opinions on Mondays are.

I don't think it likes it. I don't think it's fond of the Monday. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't think so.

Then, like normals, just like a pupper fish man, let's okay, uh, it's like a million dollar idea. Let's make shark field shark field.

He's always trying to trying to mail normal the pufferfish to Atlantis. So they are they're so relaxed, they're not aggressive at all. They often bask near the surface of the water, so thus their name, uh filter feeding and enjoying the warmth. But they're so incredibly chill that they don't try to avoid boats, and so these poor guys often get injured by boats because they're just like two chillax to like run away from a boat and they're like, oh, that looks like a new friend, and then they get

So I'm gonna ask a shipping question, who would you friendship ship a basking shark and a catfish or a basking shark and a garial crocodile.

I would definitely be the basking shark and the garial. I think, yeah, Like, like one is like really chill, and it's not that it's like super shy. Like the basking shark is not shy, it's just like laid back. But then the garial is really shy. So it's like, I think a laid back shark and like a really shy crocodile would get along pretty well.

She's like, it's okay, little buddy.

I guess that Captain Hoyt a jerk. Okay, they would not be found in the same environment, but you know, just as a thought experiment, they would definitely beat buddy up.

I think, yeah, I agree, have.

A buddy comedy.

I like that buddy comedy.

Me too, me too. So now let's talk about one of the smallest octopuses in the world, who is a lovely little cutie. I love this octopus and it'll wreck you. It'll totally destroy you. So there is a group of small octopus species called the blue ringed octopuses, and Joey, I know you know about these guys and also are and appreciate these blue ringed octopuses.

Yeah, something that I love about blue ringed octopuses is that like they look the most like a squeaky toy. Like it's just this bright octopus. That's like I think they're around like ten centimeters in length in a lot of cases, including arm length.

Yeah, they're like five to eight inches twelve to twenty centimeters. They're very teeny WEENI.

They could fit in the palm of your hand. Yeah, And like they just look out of there, like they're covered in blue colored in like spots that are blue and yellow, and like it's just they look so cuddly, but they're one of the most venomous animals in the entire animal Yea.

Yes, they look like they come from candy Land and they're here to be your friend, but they are most assuredly not. And speaking of fitting into your palm, I've seen so many pictures of people like holding these in their palm, and it makes me shudder and cringe every time I see it. It's you you do not want to touch them, which you will find out why very soon.

If you haven't seen a picture of blue ring octopus, just google it. They genuinely look really cool.

They're very cool looking, and they can actually change their color like a lot of other cephalopods and octopuses, so the rest of their skin is often a kind of modeled and tan, which helps them blend into their environment, and the blue rings aren't as noticeable, but if you provoke them, they will turn a brilliant yellow and their

Honestly, do you have me to spill some bluing octopus expert?

T yeah, do it?

Okay. So a couple of years ago, I was working on a national geographic show and we were doing a segment on bluing octopuses. I was emailing with a bluing octopus expert whose name is gave us me at the moment, but she was really great, and after doing an interview with her about the blue ring octopus, basically like sent me an all caps email that was just like, please don't tell people that their venom is located in the chromatophores.

So oh I see, I see. So they're there people think that the venom is in the chromatophores.

Yeah yeah, or like the venom is like is yea created by the chromatophores or like the venom connected and yeah, it's like I got like an all caps of just like please love God, don't help tell people that.

And I was like, it's a dangerous rumor that everyone's talking about.

It makes me very mad.

Trending on Twitter every day.

Yeah, just like yeah, yeah, so I guess what I actually So I'm gonna be a real sneaky one and say that they are caused by the chremetophor.

No, no, they're not. They're not. So it's funny because they're not super aggressive. But if you if they think that you're about to eat them, they will kill you with the most venomous bite that you can get in the ocean. So they are the world's most venomous marine animal. They are brimming with neurotoxic tetrodotoxin, which they will release into you by biting you with their cute little beak, and they have enough venom in their wittle, itty bitty bodies to kill around thirty adult humans.

Yeah, so since we're under quarantine, that's more people that I've had in person interactions with in five months, which is actually, I'm not that cool. That's honestly probably how it would have been even without quarantine.

Insane.

Yeah. Another thing that's really interesting about bluing octopus venom is one of the ways that they hunt their venom is soap pot potent. Is they'll basically just drip their saliva out of their mouths into the water around them, and then fish will swim through the saliva and then get instantly realized and they'll be like, oh, this.

Is easy, Well, don't mind if I do.

Yeah, it's like, well, I guess if this fish is paralyzed in front of me, I guess I got it.

Mind as well. So yeah, And but if it bites you, it can kill you within just a few minutes, and it kills There's a few things that happens when you get that venom in your body, and they're all bad. So you can get heart failure, respiratory arrest, and total paralysis of your body, and if you're not treated, you will most likely die, usually from suffocation because your diaphragm is paralyzed and you can't breathe, so you need your diet.

How many people do you think's last words were, hey, Mark, check out this from the octopus?

Oh, you know, probably several.

Yeah, yeah, they'll they'll mess you up.

Yeah, and there's no anti venom, so to survive, you have to have some form of artificial respiration until the toxin works its way out of your body. So if you're put on a ventilator or you know, given CPR, and you know, basically you have to somehow have someone else, a medical professional, preferably giving you oxygen until you can work that out of your body. And uh yeah, so it's it's not a good time. You do not want that to happen to you. Do not pick them up.

I feel like there are a lot of YouTube videos of people like feeding bears out of their cars. No, it's just like it's just like, oh God, just like wait this, and like, am I watching this on YouTube or live leaks? Because if it's YouTube, I'm probably fine. If it's live leaks, then I'm about to watch.

A murder, a bear murder.

So what you're telling me about the blue ring octopus is that if I were to start a YouTube channel where I was getting stung by venomous animals and telling you how it felt, I should not start with the blue ring octopus.

Yeah. Yeah, that's you shouldn't start or in with it, although if you do end with it, that would, yeah, it would. Basically, if you incorporate that into your weird show where you try to mutilate yourself with animals, that will be the end of your show.

I mean yeah, But what I was about to say. I was about to say something something to the effect of like or would it And then I was like, oh, yeah, no, yeah, no, it hardly would. I would not survive that thing.

But in terms of nitpicking over where the tetrato toxin is located, like you were talking about where the researcher was saying, it's not in the chrematophores.

Stop telling people that.

So it's actually most of its body is full of tetrat to toxin. It's found in almost every organ in its body, and it is created in the salivary glands, and it is actually produced by a symbiotic bacteria that lives in those salivary glands, and it helps them produce that toxin. And actually mother blue ringed octopuses will inject their eggs full of this tetrata toxin.

To I hate their babies because.

They hate their babies. No, it helps them produce their own tetrat to toxin. So it's like they're giving them the bacteria and the recipe to create their own deadly, deadly toxin. I love recipes from mom, you.

Know, I wish my mom pumped me full of tetradoxin before I was born.

Mom, I love your cookie recipes. Could you give me something deadlier?

Yeah? Yeah, if I had, If I had deadly venom, Man, how would my life be different? Flashback?

Flashbackflash back, And it's it's immune to its own venom, which I guess is good because it otherwise would die.

One thing I want to add for the blurring octopus is if you're like hearing all this information about the bluing octopus and you're thinking, like, wow, blurring octopus seems real, full of himself, deadliest venom, blah blah blah. They actually are hunted by like mantis shrimp, And if you go online, you can find a lot of videos of like mantis shrimp just using their fists to beat the shit out of bluing octopuses.

Really taking them down a peg.

And it's it's the most like real life Pokemon, but in a way that's not that's weirdly, not like disturbing. It's just like, oh, yeah, this bluing octopus is just or this manta strip is just pummeling this bluing medius.

I don't know. I have a soft spot for octopuses, even ones that want to kill me, so I think I would be sad to see it just getting punched reputedly.

Do you think the blurring octopus wants to.

Kill you or no, No, they don't. They actually they kind of go out of the way not to kill you, so they will That's why they flash that warning at you. They're actually pretty shy. They don't like chase you and try to bite you. That it's like, if you pester it enough, it will eventually bite you because it thinks that you're about to kill it. But yeah, that that coloration is actually apisimitism. So it's saying like, hey, I'm actually super deadly. You don't want to mess with me.

Yeah, I really want to know, Like how many famous last words if people were, hey, check this thing out.

I mean, it's funny that you would say that there are Like I remember reading about this thing in one of my biology classes where it was this guy who picked up a couple of cone snails and those are also they have very deadly harpoons that they can shoot at you with a neurotoxin. And he like picked it up and held it up and he's like like said something along those lines of like hey, check this out, and then it like shot him in his neck, and yeah,

Actually, unless it looks like a cat, then go nuts, because it's probably friendly. Right.

Just have you learned nothing from our catfish section?

I mean, look everything that I listened to win in one ear and then in my mind I just remember the cat part and then all the other information.

Just shot it. I've been too busy building the Garfield shark world to really retain any of this enormy we already established.

It's called sharkfield.

Sorry, sharkfield all right? How come it's mostly non mammals like invertebrate's fission reptiles who get all the cool deadly venom. Mammals can have venoms, such as the slow Loris platypus and Solenodon, a cute little shrew like animal with a poisonous bite. But most of us mammals are stuck with our fur, hair and milk. Well, evolution doesn't really care

Yes, I'm well aware that you were the preeminent bird meme creator on the internet.

That's right, that's right, the bird memes. It's gonna it's gonna go on my tombstone. Like created the bird memes, coined the word burb.

Every time I see the word burb on the internet, like I do think like Golden created that.

Ah, thank you. I think it's true too. I like did a little digging, and I think one of my stupid bird tweets was the first to use that term. There could have been like parallel creation, you know, like parallel invention someone else at the same time. But you know, I like to credit myself because it makes me feel good and powerful. So powerful.

Yes, you and you controlled the berb Empire.

I am in charge of bird memes and soon the world. So I want to talk about two birds who look I think they both look equally goofy and terrifying. And so you're gonna have to pick which one you want to just like chill out with and which one you're gonna try to avoid. So we have the cassowary and the shoe bill stork, and I have provided pictures of these guys to you. And the cassawery is a flightless bird who looks like a mop with a turkey head.

I'm gonna say, shoe bell stork is the animal that I would cuddle one because it just like looks it just like looks like I'm up then too, if I remember correctly, cassowaries like kill people by cutting them. I also thought that catfish eight people. So I don't know what do I know?

Yeah, so you have chosen correctly. I think you're three for three, right, Congratulations, you have survived the animal gauntlet. So yes, cassawerries you don't really want to mess with, and I will tell you exactly why. So, cassawerries are a group of birds similar to the emu, but smaller, and they are actually related to the emu. They are found in Australia, Indonesia, the Maluku Islands, and Papua New Guinea.

It says a lot about how I view the world that when you said that, I looked up at the castawary picture and then thought My initial thought when seeing it was like, why is that bird wearing that silly hat, and then I did not stop to it all analyze. The thought of just assuming that the bird was wearing a silly hat was weird, and I was just like, well, carry it on.

I think it pulls it off. Honestly, it works it.

Yeah, it's a good bath.

But they so they mostly eat fruit, and they are omnivores, so they'll eat invertebrates and small vertebrates. They don't hunt people, but they can absolutely kill you if they want to, if they feel like it. So they, like you said, they can cut people because they have an enormous dagger on each of their feet. It's like they have switch blades attached to their toes. So their inner toe has a five inch long sharp claw that can mess you right up. And they are attached to these incredibly powerful

I mean, I would watch a horror movie where the slasher movie villain is a cassowary.

I mean, if you think about like how Jurassic Parks should have looked, where all the dinosaurs had feathers, that's essentially it, right. It says raptors had feathers.

You look at that and yell like it was one hundred percent, like that's just a feathered velociraptor.

Right right, exactly. Yeah, And they so you would think that they're probably just going around murdering everyone. And I think that the tails of their deadliness are a little bit overblown. So they don't hunt people, they don't go around killing everyone. But they are one of the only birds to have been definitely documented killing humans. So the other birds where there's like actual documentation of them killing

Yeah, And also like I don't know, big ups to that chicken, like fight the power.

Yeah, can't say, I you know, I think the chicken was in the right in this case.

Yeah, that chck The chickens are terrible. Yeah, that chickens cool as.

Well part of the chicken revolution.

Yeah, I'm just gonna believe that that's that's basically chicken chikeovara, Like like that chicken used its knife to like to like slay its captor. And then now they live on a chicken island and they're all.

Super planted of the chickens. Yeah, like a chicken. Abraham Lincoln, Yeah.

Like Abraham chick. I don't know you can. I was trying to.

Make Abraham link cock. Yeah. No, no, no, that's all right.

Chick chicken laab Lincoln.

But Lincoln, No, it's not. Yeah, we've got to move on. We've got to move on. Kill us this bit will no, we must.

We must persevere like the mighty animals that we've talked to before. That's the persevere.

So despite actually being capable of killing us, there have actually only been two recorded cases of a cassowary killing a person since nineteen twenty nine. But they will mess you up if you tangle with them, so most of the time, even if they don't kill you, they will give you puncture wounds, broken bones, and lacerations, and they usually attack in self defense. But the other reason that they can be so aggressive is because humans feed them

Honestly, That makes me like cassewerries a little bit more because it's like a cat when it's like when it's like, yeah, six in the morning, and like the cats, just like I want reck frist.

If you give a cassowarya cookie, it will stab you with its knife feet.

Yeah.

The children's book. Yeah, you know I'm a children's author.

Now, Yeah, if you give a casse a cookie, it will stab you with its knife.

Hook yeah, knife feet yeah. Yeah, my new book.

Yeah, I'd read that book.

You should let me know. Let me know in the comments if you want me to write that book. So, they actually will attack cars because they associate them with food, which is a bold move I think. And they will attack dogs unprovoked because often wild dogs are predators. But yeah, if you bring your dog on a walk around where these castawerries live, it can, you know, kill your dog. So don't do that, and don't feed them and just leave them alone.

So them attacking cars because they associate them with food makes a lot of sense. But I want to believe that the reason that they attack cars they want to avenge their falling. Dear brothers, this is for you, dear hey, This is for you, dear.

It's another insurance scam. Yeah, these animals out for insurance monies.

I get that.

So now let's talk about the shoe bill stork. So, shoe bills look like terrifying, gray, feathery, dinosaur like storks with huge boat shaped bills. They're called shoe like. The descriptions are like their bills are shaped like shoes. I don't know what kind of shoes people are wearing. I guess these kind of look like wooden clogs maybe.

Yeah, I was gonna say like clogs. They look they look like I mean, honestly, they look not dissimilar to a lot of like Kanye West's shoe designs. A easy Yeah, they look they look a lot like Easy's. So it's like the.

Easy bills short the easy bill stork.

I mean, if they changed this name to the easy bill stork, I wouldn't hate it.

These easy bills. Yeah, so they actually are not storks. They are more closely related to pell plans, and they grow up to five feet tall with a seven to eight foot wingspan, and they can totally fly, and they live in the swamps in eastern tropical Africa. So yeah, they are very intimidating looking birds, But at the same time they kind of look like a huge muppet, which is like it's like scary and cute and you're it's very confusing, and they have these like their eyes somehow

Uh, well, what do you think it's riddle is? And do you think it's about fish?

Where should you charge me? Put it on my bill?

Oh, that's good, that's a good riddle. Actually, Like I'm looking at more pictures of them, and they look they look very much like a human wearing a bird costume.

Yeah, yeah, it's that. It's a little uncanny, right, It's an uncanny. That's kind of why they look like a big muppet, like a big bird, like the first draft of Big Bird. That's like oddly terrifying or something.

It looks like they're like their legs look very bird like. Their upper body it's like you can almost see pectoral muscles and it looks like it looks like they have shoulders.

Yeah, yeah, which they you know, it's just the wings. But yeah, it looks doesn't It looks off. It looks a little uncanny.

Although I'm just scrolling through Google Images, I found a picture of one opening its mouth and it's the cutest dan thing Like. It definitely looks like it's saying like, hey, guys, what are you doing?

Well, the way it says hey guys, what are you doing? Is making machine gun noises with their.

What what is that? That's insane? Is that edited in anyway?

No? No, no, So it's called bill clattering, and it is a greeting to communicate with each other. It can be used like as a mating call to loom mates to alert other birds that this is their territory, and it can be used by nestlings as well to communicate with adults and vice versa. So basically like their high honey, I'm home, is just machine gun noises that they make by clattering their bills.

Do you remember paper planes by m I A.

Yeah. All I want to do is bang bang bang bang and eat lots of fish.

I really want to hear the shoebill stork edit of Paper Planes.

By the Shoebill Stork cover of m I A Yeah, and Eat your Salmon. There's a there's an all animal cover of Drowning Pool. Let the Bodies hit the floor. It's very good. I'll show it to you after the show. Very good. But so they do hunt, but they hunt fish, baby crocodiles, eels, and monitor lizards. So they're not joking around when it comes to hunting in the swamp, and

That's something that I'm noticing even just scrolling through photos of them, is like they really do look like statuesque like they look they look like not like real creatures. And yeah, I would one hundred percent walk past this thing and think, oh, what a weird statue. And then hero A machine guns sound as it guns me down.

Yeah exactly, I mean and for these the fish and

Jesus, wow, this Big Bird first cut got real dark.

Jim Henson was, Yeah, he was. He got pretty dark with those early versions of Sesame Street.

Jim Henson was going through some shit.

But yeah, yeah, So they are like a horror villain for all of the small critters living in the swamp, but around humans, they're really harmless and somewhat tolerant of us, and they are totally docile. They're non aggressive, and they're actually a favorite among bird watchers for how easygoing they are around observers, and like the most intimidating thing they'll do is like get into a staring contest with you

I know we've done a little bit of friendship shipping before this, But do you think a shoe build, a shoebill stork, and a garial crocodile would get along because they're both shy?

I don't know, because like the shoebill does eat baby crocodiles, so I feel like that would be a point against it. Like, I mean, I want to get along with you, dude, but like you ate my babies and that's kind of not chill.

You know, Yeah, I get that. So basically that that's a that's a buddy movie where they learn to trust each other, got it.

I do feel like the the shoebill and the basking shark would get along really because it's like, hey, you got a big mouth. I got a big mouth. Hey look at our big mouths.

I want to see the the Tom and Jerry relaunch. That's just a shoebill stork and a gario crocodile. I'd watch that. That'd be fun.

Yeah, yeah, but it wouldn't be really Yeah. I guess like a baby, So a baby gariol and a shoebill stork, because then that that would be sort of the predator prey thing. But then like the baby grows up to be really big and then it's like uh oh, but then he's just a shy, shy guy. There's there was that like Disney movie similar to that. What was it called? It was a Lambert the Sheepish Lion, and it's like this like lion gets adopted by a sheep, it grows up to be big and then like kills a wolf

Oh yeah, I uh, I vaguely remember that movie.

Yeah. Uh more Disney lies about the behaviors of animals.

Yeah, I feel like, you know, I mean, that's the thing about the Lion King is like none of those animals would actually be able to be friends, nor can they sing.

I mean it. Lions do occasionally like adopt prey animals, but then they often end up eating them anyways. Yeah, it's like maybe they would tolerate zazu for a while and then just like you know, I'm just gonna eat you today. It's Today's the day. You've been in my ear about our infrastructure budget for like way too long, and I am gonna eat you.

But that's like, that's one of the things I love about cats is like you'll be petnam they'll be like really loving it, and then they're just no time to bite.

Yeah. Yeah, house cats are just little tiny wildcats. If they were big, they would maul us every day. Ah cute cute, yes, But you know, if you if you like, I wish man now, I want a domesticated version of like the garial crocodile, just like a little one, you know, to cuddle.

Yeah, that would be I guess that of these animals, just based on like appearances, let's be very shallow here, which of these animals would you want to cuddle the most?

Okay, again with the disclaimer that you should never cuddle a wild animal. But we're on an imagination journey. I would say, hmmm, so we have now are we including the deadly ones or just the ones that aren't deadly?

I guess that it's we're including all of them, and it's this is a world where you have protections against whatever makes them deadly.

I see, Well, I don't know. I actually I think it would be the Shoebill. I love this fricking muppet. It's so good. It's just it's so goofy, and I love the like scary goofiness of it. It's like aggressively goofy, but it's not aggressive, so that's what's so wonderful about it.

For appearances, I would say immediately Catfish because it has the word cat in it. But like, realistically, I feel like the Shoebill Stork is the one that I would like. It just looks like a muffet.

Yeah.

I would like pat it on the back and say good job, And then it would make something that would make a machine gun noise and I'd be like, classic, oh.

You feel like we'd go fishing together with a couple of bruskis. It'd be wearing one of those like fishing hats that's got the tackle dangling from it, and you know we'd be just like sharing a beard, talking about our lives, you know, laughing about stuff.

I'd use its machine gun sounding beak to wrap a bank.

It would be great, a real Bonnie and Clyde situation. Yeah, yeah, fun, I love it. Well, thank you so much for joining me today, Joey and learning which animals are friends and which ones. Well, they're still our friends, but they would kill us if we were route.

Yeah, we didn't say they were good friends.

No, no, I mean we didn't say they were doormat friends. They will assert themselves. Got anything to plug?

Yeah, you can follow me on Twitter at Joey Tainment, follow me on Instagram at Joey Cliff with like five eyes. And then this is some context of a thing I'm about to plug. I for a long time have been annoyed at sufi On Stevens for not finishing his fifty States project. He's a folk musician who was popular in the mid two thousands, and he said he was going to make a full album of music for every single

It, so you drag him.

Yeah, So you can go on SoundCloud dot com slash our fifty States project and listen to fifty three albums and two weeps for every an album for every US state, double album for Rhode Island, an album for the Moon because there's a US flag up there. So we got EPs for Washington, DUC. Yeah, the moon's a state, it'll be a state. An EP for Washington, DC. In Puerto Rico. It's five hundred and ten songs. This took me two

That sounds incredible and worrying.

Actually, oh yeah, it's definitely a cry for help in someway.

Yes, you can find us on Instagram at Creature your Pod and I will be posting pictures of all of these adorable scary animals there. And you can find us