Tips for Creating Attachment - Weekend Wisdom

Please pardon any errors this is an automated transcript.
Dawn Davenport  0:00  
Welcome to weekend wisdom by Creating a Family. As you guys may know, Creating a Family is a national support and training nonprofit for foster adoptive and kinship families. And weekend wisdom is a new podcast we are offering in our channel. And this was specifically designed to be for shorter, because our regular podcast runs and run our this unit runs in like 10 or so minutes. But it's to answer questions, we get a lot of questions from you guys. Questions all across the board. And it's hard to answer them. And so we've decided that doing a podcast to answer your questions would be the answer. Pardon the pun. So if you have questions you want us to answer on air, send them to info at creating a family.org and just put in the subject line something about us, but we can list them or just question from the podcast or something along those lines. So today, we're going to be answering a question about attachment. Here's the question we took in my cousin's four year old last month, we thought it might be temporary, but it's looking like it will be for a long time and maybe forever. The problem is that this little boy has gone through a lot because his mom is a drug user, and never really was apparent. He is very withdrawn, and doesn't seem to want to attach our let us get close in any way. Any help would be appreciated. So first of all, thanks for reaching out, and especially thank you for being a safe place for this kid out of the land. And also, I should say at the output that I am not a mental health professional. And I do strongly urge you to get a mental health support for you and the child, especially during these initial adjustments phase and helping you with the transition. But I will attempt to answer your question from my vantage point. So first, and although I know it may not have been meant this way, I think it's really important to realize that there really isn't such a thing, especially for a four year old, of quote, wanting to attach children are born to attach, it's how they survive. If this child seems unattached, then there are things you can do to help. And one of the first things is realizing that his lack of attachment if indeed, that's what you're seeing, is not a choice. And it's not his fault. When a child does not attach to us, I know it can feel personal. It's like they don't like us, or that they're doing this to get to us. But this truly is not the case. The other thing I wanted to mention is that you have only had this child for a month. So as easy as it is to slip into the oh my gosh, what's going to happen, this kid is not how I thought he was going to be, it's important to realize that you are at the very beginning stages, this little guy has had his entire world turned upside down. Now I appreciate you have as well. So you've got a combination where a family has had their everything turned topsy turvy, and a child who's had everything upside down. And that is not a match made for calm and easy transition. So it would be unusual to think that this child is not going to react. This one is reactive withdrawn, other kids react with tantrums, it's just all a bit part of the process. So keep all of that in mind. Now I'm going to give you some practical suggestions of things you can do. I know the first one is going to sound simplistic and obvious. But your number one goal in these earliest days together is to find out what this child needs and do your best to meet these needs. At four, you can ask him, and you can anticipate also many of his needs, you can anticipate when he's hungry and things like that. The goal here is it you want him to see you as a safe place to get what he needs. This child's needs have not been met in the past, he likely doesn't trust and know that the adults in his life will be able to meet his needs. So you be on the lookout to identify what they are, and make sure that you meet them. All right. The second practical suggestion or tip is to say yes, as often as you can. Every Yes, you can offer this child. It's like it's depositing trust in his little Trust Bank. So try to say yes to your child more than you say no. In fact, your goal should honestly be to say seven yeses to every one. No, you must say. And I'm going to tell you from experience that takes intentionality, you have to be on your game. If you're saying it's going to be a seven to one ratio, it's going to surprise you how often you're saying no. And you may have to get creative. And you have to figure out how to turn a no into a yes. So I'll give you an example. Let's say he wants to play with the magnet tiles but you need to go to the grocery store. Rather than say no, you can't play with the magnet tiles, rephrase it something along the lines. Sure you can play with those magnets just as soon as we get back from the store. And let's go find your shoes now or something along those lines. Of course then make sure that you offer the magnetize just as soon as you get home. All right, the third Tip. And these are practical tips. We're not into the clouds. Now we're not into the research, these are just very practical things. So the third practical tip is to make eye contact as often as you can, your eyes speak louder than your voice. And you can express so much love and warmth to your child with your eyes. So when possible, get down on his level, when you do this, get down on his level and try to make contact and be patient with him. If he's not able to return eye contact at this time, continue lovingly offering your eyes and a gentle and soft expression. This is a model and is a message to him of acceptance, and don't expect him to return it. So the fourth practical tip is to touch this little guy affectionately. And as often as you sit, he will accept it. Again, you may have to get creative, he may not feel comfortable with a big ol bear hug. But he might accept a side hug or a high five or a pat on the back or a rustle of his hair. Yeah, so pay attention to his cues or his reactions to recognize if he doesn't appreciate or feel safe being touched the way you're offering it. And if we resist your touch, you can practice using what they call symbolic touch. This is reaching out to the child but stopping short of touching them. Some kids will feel empowered if you ask them permission before you touch them. So before you give them a hug, say, May I hug you on the shoulders. And if he says no, then respect that. And you could just reach out and do a fake little hug where you're not touching him and say, Okay, I'll just hug you this way until you're ready. Another way, he's four, but another way is just to rub their back at bedtime, or give them a foot massage something along those lines. And the fifth and final practical tip is to follow his lead, follow the child's leads, allow this little fellow to be the play leader for a specific period of time. Let Him decide what you're going to play the matches attitude, his posture, how he's playing the type of play. If it's the magnet tiles, he's building house, you build a house the way he's building it with his Magna tiles, and teach them how to use a timer and have them set it for whatever time you could allow it say 15 minutes. And during that time, he gets your undivided attention without the laundry without the TV or other distractions. Now I know if you have other kids in the house, this can be hard. So you may need to get help. And it's a great if you can do this with your other kids as well. And you may have to cut it down to 10 minutes. But following his lead is a way that you can really get to know this child and let him get to know you. So I hope these helped you both on the path to a secure and loving relationship. And again, thank you for being there for this guy. And before we end I just want to ask if you know about our free courses. These are courses that have been provided to the support of the jockey being Family Foundation. They are terrific courses, we have 12 of them. You can get CPE credit with them if you need that, but you don't need that. You just need the parenting wisdom. Check them out. They're great. You can do it at Bitly bi T dot L y slash JB F support. So thanks. And especially thanks for listening to this week's weekend wisdom. If you liked it, please tell a friend to subscribe to the creating a family.org podcasts