I Want to Foster, But My Husband Doesn't - Weekend Wisdom

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Dawn Davenport  0:00  
Welcome, everyone to weekend wisdom by creating a family. Creating a family is the National Support and Training nonprofit for foster adoptive and kinship families. And the weekend wisdom is our time to answer your questions. Today's question is I want to foster but my husband doesn't, I really want to start fostering, but my husband is dead set against it. Our kids are five and three. And I really want to keep on having kids through fostering, I think I'm a good mom. And I think I do great fostering, my husband thinks that we have our hands full with two kids, he thinks adding another kid with possible behavioral problems will sink us. That is a not uncommon thing. I think, in fact, it's really common for one partner to be more gung ho, about fostering than the other. But sometimes the resistance is greater than just not being enthusiastic. Let me start by saying I am not a mental health provider or mental health professionals, but I can share my thoughts. You know, my first suggestion is for you to get educated yourself on what it means to be a foster parent. What's required, how much support is available, how much training is going to be required, you may have already done this, but I say this because I think there's a lot of misinformation about what fostering means. For example, it means both parents need to attend a 30 to 35. Usually hour training, it means that you job as a foster parent is to help the birth family and always you can for them to be able to get their child back, it means not being able to make the ultimate decision about what happens with this child. Even if you've fallen in love with the child, even if they have lived with you for months or years. It often means driving this child to multiple weekly appointments in visitation meetings with parents and siblings. And it means saying goodbye after you fall in love and your children have fallen in love. And we should also point out that it also can mean feeling the rewards of knowing that you are a soft landing place for a child when they really needed it. I say these things because I think that a lot of times we think that foster parenting is going to be like continuing to be a mother to more children in some ways you are but in some ways you are not. So you need to really think through whether this form of parenting, usually a very temporary form of parenting would really satisfy your needs. And would you be the best parent for that. One way you can get more information is to attend a couple of foster parents support groups, if you can find one, you can join the creating a family Facebook group, and there you can ask other experienced foster parents about their experience. And you need to think really hard about whether you have the time in your life right now to be a foster parent. Think about whether you would be open to having older children? If not how well would your family cope with multiple kids under the age of five. So only after you've done all of your homework, then you can start the conversation again with your husband. And the first step really is trying to understand why your partner is hesitant to foster don't go into it assuming you know, he or she could be thinking any of the following. Maybe he's worried about the time commitment. Maybe he's worried about adopting kids older than yours and keeping all the children safe. Or maybe he's worried about the change. It could mean in your lifestyle. If you have children who've experienced a lot of trauma, are you going to have to do things very differently in your household? The answer is yes, probably you will, is he worried that you'll want to adopt one of your foster kids, and he doesn't want to permanently expand his family anymore? Is he worried about what type of emotional or behavioral problems foster children might have because of their early life experiences. So you need to find out what he is thinking and where his greater hesitancies are. If after talking, you're still very much wanting this and he is still hesitant to you could ask if he would be willing to attend a foster parent support group to learn more about the experience. And honestly as hard as it may be, you need to give him time. Each of us has a different speed and style for making decisions. And this may mean postponing fostering for a few years but ultimately, you need both parents to be on board to be a foster parent. I hope this helps. It may not be what you want to hear. But I do hope it helps. So thank you. Before you leave, let me tell you about 12 free courses that we offer thanks to the jockey being Family Foundation. They are on our website you can find them at Bitly slash J B F support that's bi T dot L y slash JPS support. They can be used for foster parent continuing ed. Or if you don't need continuing ed credit you could still take them to learn more about being a better parent. So check it out. And thanks for listening to this week's we can wisdom. If you liked it, please tell a friend to subscribe to the creating a family.org podcast

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