Fostering or Adopting as a Single Person

Please pardon any errors, this is an automated transcript.
Dawn Davenport  0:00  
Welcome everyone to creating a family. Talk about foster adoptive and kinship care. I'm Dawn Davenport. I am the host of this show, as well as the director of the nonprofit creating a family.org. Today we're going to be talking about fostering or adopting as a single parent. We will be talking with Brit Brown. She is a single mom to a two and a half year old, internationally adopted daughter. And we will talk with Sadie Gonzales. She is an adopted single mom of a 13 month old daughter, and we will talk with Amy Kirchhoff. She is a single mom to four children adopted from foster care, who are now all young adults, and she is now the foster mom to a preschool. So welcome, Amy, Sadie and Brit, we are so glad to have you. Thank you. Good to be here. All right. So I think a lot of people think about adopting as a single or even fostering. But that's a mighty test to think about. So let's begin by hearing your stories. Just I'd like to hear more about where you were in life, why you were thinking about this, and then how you chose the type of adoption and when to adopt. Sadie, let's start with you.

Speaker 1  1:12  
I was actually 16 When I decided I wanted to adopt the idea of biologically having children didn't appeal to me. And I had some family health issues in extended family. So adoption always seemed like the route I was going to take without really understanding the scope of what that meant. until I was older. When I turned 30. I just all of a sudden decided it was time. And I tried foster parenting. And when that wasn't the right route for me. I did try insemination just because of cost reasons people

Dawn Davenport  1:48  
don't realize it's cheaper to give birth than it is to adopt is Yes, well, the answer, let's put this way the insurance pays for the cost of your health insurance. So yeah.

Speaker 1  1:57  
And that didn't work out. So I just my heart had me take a stop. And I stopped doing everything until my heart healed and February 2020. Right before the road shut down. I decided it was time to try it again. A friend had referred me to a local adoption agency. And I started working on becoming a an adoptive parent through domestic infant adoption. So it was a six year kind of painful, joyous, educational and growing up experience, I would say from 30 to 36.

Dawn Davenport  2:32  
Yeah, that sounds like it. Parenthood has a way of doing that to all of us. And yes, Amy, tell us your story.

Speaker 2  2:40  
I was thinking about adoption in my late 20s. And when I turned 30, it was possible to adopt from China then I couldn't do it before then. And so I went ahead and adopted my first child 11 month old, healthy baby girl. It went very well. I had a very supportive employer. A couple of years later, I decided I was ready to do it again, that I wasn't actually sure that the single moms single parent was a healthy dynamic for us, I wanted her and thought it would be better for us if more work to have all of the families spread out sort of all that love and so forth. But that would actually be a healthier situation for us, and adopted an older child from China a son. So my daughter at that time was two and a half. And my son was seven that I adopted. So he was older. A year or so later, I was feeling the urge again. And I actually thought to myself, this is stupid, you should not do this. Now, my eldest needed a big surgery that was coming up. He'd had one three months after coming home, he needed another one. So instead of actually doing anything real formal, I called my adoption agency and I said, you know, if you ever have a disruption, I, you could consider me. I'm not afraid of an older child adoption or child with health needs. And you should be careful what you ask for.

Dawn Davenport  4:00  
Especially saying I'm yeah, I'm open to adopt from a disruption. Yep. And

Speaker 2  4:04  
in the end, my youngest, he's 18. Now so that my kids are quite a bit older. He was two and a half when he came developmentally about 18 months old. And you know, in the end, I was sort of the last one standing thing. Yeah, I'll take

Dawn Davenport  4:17  
him. Was he also international? Or was he he was originally

Speaker 2  4:21  
International was actually a challenge because his first American parents hadn't figured out how to love who he was. They have a picture in their head, I think of what he would be and he wasn't that. But one of the effects of that was that he had been adopted from Guatemala and they never naturalized him and they'd lost his paperwork. So for like a year I had like this little undocumented immigrant like the only proof I have, but he was mine and should be with me was a letter from the adoption agency on their letterhead. Oh, yeah, we were talking about like trying to get his first American parents to the car. Until at the Embassy in New York with me and him to get a new passport. In the end, they found the paperwork and I was able to adopt them. But it was it was a trying year because it was so well, actually rather akin to my current foster care situation where it was just unknown, like the placement was firm but unknown. And then I was done for a while. That was full. That was enough. That was enough. But you know, maybe six or seven years kind of even know, I went back to China again adopted a 10 year old this time, who's in the middle of my children, she's the second oldest, who also had some medical needs. They are all great. My eldest is 24, the one I adopted at 10 is now 21. My first daughter is 20. And my son is 18. And we have a four year old foster daughter, that was not exactly plan.

Dawn Davenport  5:52  
There's a recurring same with you. In this case, I

Speaker 2  5:56  
had a family in Indiana, and I have a great niece was taken into the system social care system, so I got licensed for foster care. So she could come here if we needed to do that. For a variety of reasons. We didn't do that. So I called the local social services Child Protective agency, as you licensed me, I guess you could place a kid with me and they did. Again,

Dawn Davenport  6:17  
a recurring theme here. When you say I will take a child do you make it? Be

Speaker 2  6:22  
sure you'd know what you're saying when you do that? picked her up at the hospital when she was seven days old. And she turned four in July, she is still a foster child, and they are still looking at reunification fracture. So that's me.

Dawn Davenport  6:34  
That's you. Okay, Britt? How about you?

Speaker 3  6:37  
Well, I similar I think to your other guests, I kind of always knew I wanted to be a mom. And that adoption was probably going to be my route.

Dawn Davenport  6:45  
Why did you think adoption and not doing it the the other way? For two

Speaker 3  6:51  
reasons. First being I've always been a really independent person. And I like to do things on my own. I always pictured myself as a single mom, which is probably different than a lot of people. The other reason, just from a social responsibility standpoint, and like, there's a lot of kiddos out there who need homes. I've got a home, and the willingness and I don't really know that I need to put another human on this earth and it didn't feel right to me. So this one didn't feel right. So that's Yeah, yeah. And so it's something that was always in the back of my head, I kept getting older, I would had focused on career and then the world came to an end or to stop it with COVID. At the same time, one of my I was starting to think a little more seriously, I was 40 years old, at that point, thinking a little more seriously about adopting, like, I need to get on it now. And one of my very dear friends had a terminal cancer diagnosis. She's a kind of a big part of my story. And she I was there with her a lot and helped her and she sent me a check for $15,000 with a note that said, use this money to help someone else or travel the world. And I was like, Okay, this is my sign that this is when I need to jump in and actually do this. And so I called her and we cried about it. And the next day, I contacted my adoption agency and jumped in with both feet. So my daughter is now two and a half. I brought her home just over a year ago from India. And yeah, that's kind of it was it was a lot of work. I had no idea what I was getting into. They prepare you but like until you experience it, it's pretty hard. I didn't understand exactly what they were preparing me for.

Dawn Davenport  8:30  
Yeah. I mean, how can you I mean, really, so she was about 18 months old does she has significant special needs as well are just she has a

Speaker 3  8:39  
lifelong congenital condition that will require medication management for her life, but is a wonderfully happy and she is She is wonderful and advanced. And I had all these worries about all of these problems she was going to have based on all the research I did before I adopted and she has, she has not had any extra issues.

Dawn Davenport  9:02  
Let me pause here for a moment to say thank you. Thank you to our listeners, both our returning listeners, as well as our new listeners. We really appreciate you being here with us. Did you know that following or subscribing to the creating a family.org podcast gives you access to other content on adopting or fostering as a single parent? Well, it does. We have other shows that we have done on this topic. And when you subscribe, you have access to more than 15 years worth of content to choose from. In fact, within two weeks, we will be celebrating our 16th year so you have 16 years worth of content to choose from. So please subscribe to our podcast on whatever device whatever app you're currently listening to it on. I think that we all have our worries we all have. Oh my gosh. And I don't know if it's intensified. Maybe I should ask that. I don't know if it's intensified if you're single, but at least when you're not seeing Do you have somebody to share your worries with on the other hand that could add to be exacerbating your worries? You know, so I get probably cuts both ways. So, Amy, before you started, what were your biggest worries? That was a number of years ago. But can you remember back to what were you worried about?

Speaker 2  10:18  
I've done this enough now that I'm much more relaxed about it all. When I started, I was I was just really worried about the balancing of work, I have a full time career and I enjoy my work, I want to do my work and raising a child. And I remember that making me crazy, like, oh my god, I'm 30 minutes late to the office. And that being anxiety causing less. So now, one thing that adopting kids sort of over and over again, like each new addition, helped me focus more on what was important and not important. And could go like, you know, what, that 30 minutes 18 years ago, one important Oh, it wasn't important at all. He didn't know that when I first started, though, it felt really, really, really important at that time. Yeah,

Dawn Davenport  11:11  
we're going to talk some about the work life balance, because I think that is a particular thing that we have to end up talking about. Because it is that is harder, I think, when you're single, but we'll save that for a little bit. Sadie for you, what was your biggest worry? Well, my

Speaker 1  11:26  
mom will chuckle when she hears us, because she will say I worry about absolutely everything. But my biggest worry, and it still is to some extent, you know, my daughter's only a little over a year. So I don't know how life will turn out yet. But like Britt, I realized in the last few years that I kind of wanted to do this alone, unless you know, someone extraordinary becomes available. single parenting was really kind of the way I wanted to do this. But in a way, I was really concerned that that's selfish, because doing infant adoption, my child has lost her genetics, right, she lost her birth parents, her first parents. And now I've also taken the potential of a adoptive father from her. And I worried about, you know, am I being selfish because I want, I just want to parent and so I talked to family members, close family members that have been raised with a single mother, and friends, and they kind of assuage those fears. My home study agency is also an adoption agency, and my social worker was amazing. They're actually who showed me creating a family.org, during her home study process. And I told her that I would like to talk to, you know, another single mom to talk this through, and she hooked me up with a woman that has adopted three children. And so it was really nice to talk through those fears with someone to understand that, yes, it's probably going to be a sense of trauma or issue. But that doesn't mean that you can't provide a loving supporting home for a child just like any other family. So I would say that that was probably my biggest fear. And also, to your point, you know, when you are coupled, you have double the resources, double the money double the time, right. And so I was concerned being one person, I had to be very astute of the decisions I was making, in order to be the right parent for the right child, so that I had the resources for them to be a good parent to them, and to get them the resources they needed. So those I think were two of my biggest worries and things I thought about as I brought her home. And

Dawn Davenport  13:42  
did that influence you? I think if I understood you correctly, that because you knew that you would be the only one providing the resources, and it might have limited potential matches or potential opportunities, if you felt like the child might have greater needs than you could meet. Is that Yes,

Speaker 1  13:58  
yes, absolutely. Yeah. Because like I said, if if I'm at work, I didn't want to be raising a child that would need someone that was better for them to have a full time parent in the home or, you know, if I didn't have the financial resources to get them the therapy or things that they might need. I'm not the right family for a child that would need those resources to thrive. And so I really thought of it in that way when I was making decisions. That

Dawn Davenport  14:23  
makes sense. One issue that often comes up, but the only one who this is applicable to is you, Amy. But one issue that often comes up is that when adopting as a single, if you adopt a child of a different gender, how do you provide the necessary role model? And maybe there isn't a necessary role model. But did you think about that, Amy to have your children I think our sons, and did you think about the same gender role model for your sons? Was that something you thought about and if so, what did you come up with?

Speaker 2  14:56  
Yeah, I think it was necessary for my son's often necessary for My daughter, I

Dawn Davenport  15:00  
was just gonna say I'm gonna come back to that because I totally get that. So I'm going to loop everybody in on the conversation with their let's talk about same gender role models for your son. Both of

Speaker 2  15:09  
my parents are still alive and participating in our life and my children's lives do they live nearby? My mom does, my father is farther away. However, when I needed sitters for like a week, like I have to, oh, I don't know, I have to go back to China adopt another child or I have to go to California for work for four days, my dad would come down, and my stepmom, they would drive the eight hours and stay at my house for a week once they retired to they could do that kind of sitting. So he was a resource, even though he wasn't immediate. My brother's also quite close. So he, in fact, I will not teach my children to drive I tried it with my eldest, it did not work. Neither one of us was happy with that. And my brother comes up from Camden and teaches my children to drive. So we see him regularly. So there were lots of male figures in their lives. Even my eldest, when he was in middle school, my youngest wanted my eldest to come to the daddy child tea at school, or whatever. And so, you know, my son took the afternoon off from school, and I picked him up from middle school and drove him to the elementary school. So he could do this with his younger brother and I sat in the hallway. So there's lots of ways to find that male or female representative that you need. That doesn't include having a partner in the house, work your network, you've got to network even if you don't know it. And don't

Dawn Davenport  16:33  
be afraid to ask and there's Big Brothers Big Sisters. There's also there's lots of ways, but I think it takes some intentionality. But I am glad you brought up because if you've heard me earlier, I pause because I also firmly agree that girls need male role models as well. So i Good point. And I totally agree. So Britt, if you given some thought to how you will provide your daughter with male role models

Speaker 3  17:00  
I have and that was definitely a big concern of mine going into this happily, my dad is retired and he has he came for a week of while I was in India to meet my daughter there. And he has been very active. He takes us fishing and on all sorts of adventures, which is amazing to see on multiple levels. I also have my brother in law is great. And he is very involved. He likes to take her skating, he wants her to be a hockey player. He's from Canada. And I also have a very dear friend, my friend Jesse is Uncle Jesse. And so he spends I've made sure to include those three positive male influences in her life and make sure they're around and be very intentional about making sure we haven't seen Jesse in a couple of weeks. I need to schedule something here. You know, let's call grandpa and see if he wants to come over for dinner tonight or but yeah, so

Dawn Davenport  17:53  
it takes. And Amy also mentioned that her dad accompanied her on all three of her adoption trips as well, which is a really special way of, of bonding. So Sadie, what about you and thinking in terms, your daughter is still quite young, but still, yeah, so

Speaker 1  18:08  
I am very blessed that my parents are also still alive. And they are a two minute drive from my house. We live in a pretty small town. And so my mother watches her in the morning when I work. And then my dad gets off work at 130. And he tag teams with her then so she has exposure to both grandparents, but her grandpa every afternoon and their other grandbabies. 29 years old. So he is relishing being a grandpa to a little girl right now. And they are best buddies and partners in crime. And then outside of that my sister and I have a pretty large age gap. So I have a wonderful brother in law. And like I said nephew who's almost 30. So they live two hours away. So there's support there but not daily. And then I'm heavily involved in our local Kiwanis Club, which is a service club, and typically has senior citizens retirees. So there's several older men that you know, fawn over when they see her as well. So yeah, it's all like Amy said, It's about figuring out who your resources are around you. And then making sure you water those relationships

Dawn Davenport  19:30  
that leads into it may end up being redundant, but it maybe there'll be something new that we will learn who is your village in a way. I mean, who do you have? Because it's a joke to think that any of us whether you're partnered or not, is doing this alone, because you're not. We all need all sorts of help along the way. It's the old adage it takes a village sad it sounds like for you your parents are very much a part of your village Are your childcare? Which I could just hear people in the audience going, oh, man, but I wouldn't give for that.

Speaker 1  20:05  
I know, it's a complete blessing. Yeah, it is. Yeah, they're my primary support, I would say. And I would give this advice to people listening that are thinking about adopting or foster care, my adoption to 23 months. So at the time, when I started the home study, and they asked you who your resources, who your support system is, at the time, my sister and her family still lived here, in between then and the 23 months that I brought her home, they moved. So in hindsight, I realize you have to realize your resources are but also have contingency plans. If you know those resources happen to get sick, or pass away or move or, you know, whatever, you have to have a large enough resource base to know that you can do or had the finances, you know, for daycare, or whatever it is, I have a wonderful support group in the people that I work for. They were amazing when I had to spend the weekend Tennessee to adopt and like so my parents and my sister and her family. And then we've had a lot of support, like I said, from my service club. And and church was a great emotional resource. And then I have been very lucky in my 20s and 30s. To build a great friend group, it's really important to like I said, to water those relationships and have a really good social system. And I have a handful of you know, chosen sisters as out of my birth sister, that would do anything to support me from throwing a shower and getting a bunch of diapers and wipes and clothes and things that have helped for months, my workplace did the same, some church members did the same, that has been hugely beneficial. So there are lots of different ways that people can provide support, but you have to know who those people are. And then keep those relationships close.

Dawn Davenport  22:00  
Don't hesitate to ask and ask specifically what you need. But what about you who is in your village,

Speaker 3  22:06  
my family is definitely kind of my biggest supports right now. I went through a big transition with friends, some of the people I thought were in my corner, and we're going to be supportive have kind of disappeared. And I went through a kind of a rough transition when we got home. Personally, I had quite an adventure in India, I ended up being stuck in India for three months due to some issues with the court lawyer over there who was trying to get bribes and refusing to give me my signed court orders, which was a whole situation. But anyways, I got home had a lot to work through and realize that some of the people who were so excited for me to begin with and were a part of me kind of nesting before I got my daughter fell off the radar a little bit and I've had to kind of rebuild. Like in my family. My parents have been huge how my sister so my aunts and uncles and cousins also, I think my biggest support now I ended up meeting another single mom when I was in India, who is adopting her daughter from the same orphanage from the same room in the same orphanage that my daughter was in how special so not only am I able to foster that friendship between these girls, the other single mom and I have become very close, she lives halfway across the country. So it's not as easy as if she lived in state. But we do multiple FaceTime calls a week with the girls and after the girls are asleep so that we can talk as single moms and I find beautiful gets my struggles more than anyone else. Because she from every level from the India specific things to the single mom things. So that has been huge support. We've actually, we're flying out to meet them next month. We've been visiting back and forth at each other's houses, which is great. Oh,

Dawn Davenport  23:47  
it's perfect. That will be so special for the girls as well. Yeah. And they get older. So Amy, how about you who is and it's interesting because both Brent and Sadie's daughters are young. But you've gone through the need for a village with school aged kids, teens and now young adults. Does your village needs change as your children ate.

Speaker 2  24:09  
The village definitely changes her off the needs change so much is just you know, the circle around you changes. I will echo Britt, one of my best friends. I met in China adopting my first daughter and she was adopting her daughter from the same orphanage. And it turns out, she's you know, 40 minutes away from me. We saw each other all the time when our kids were little. We were quite a crew. You know, there were like two of us and six kids like we both had multiples. That one of the things I wanted to say is that your network needs to include people who support you. And I found that finding a group of single adoptive moms was really important. It's just our needs and interests were quite different. Our reasons for adopting were different. Our religious backgrounds were different and that was really supportive and helpful for me,

Dawn Davenport  24:58  
even with those differences that commonality of being single moms, single adoptive moms can overcome all of what you're saying. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2  25:06  
And our focus was felt like I'm part of other adoptive groups. And a single adoptive mom is quite a different person than a two parent adoptive family. It's you making different choices. And so finding that group can be really, really supportive for you personally, as a mom, the other bit of advice I wanted to give was, you're not a bad parent, when your circle of support includes people you pay. Yes.

Dawn Davenport  25:35  
We all yes, we've all had to rely on that. Or most of us have. I

Speaker 2  25:40  
struggled with that a little bit. When I first brought my daughter home. It was like at one point, like I had a work meeting I couldn't miss and they were doing one of those, you know, they do those those events at daycare every month, you know, mommy daughter thing, and you're like, like, I've worked. I've worked 40 hours a week. You know, I have to bring in the money. Why are you doing? You know, there was like, I had a meeting I had, I had to go up to New York City, I paid the babysitter to go to the Mommy and me t at daycare, because what else was I gonna do everybody else will my mother was working. My brother was working like, what was I going to do? And that was a struggle for me to acknowledge, like, I have like a moment of like, am I a bad mom, because I have to pay the babysitter to do this mommy and me thing at daycare like, but you know what? We have a great relationship. She's doing very well, it did not score her at all. And so to the extent that I can help other people understand that you're not harming your child forever, because you are arranging for them to enjoy this event, perhaps not with you. That is acceptable.

Dawn Davenport  26:44  
Sad, do you have some thoughts on that? Well,

Speaker 1  26:46  
I just kind of want to piggyback off of something you said, one of the reasons I was so excited to participate in this conversation is there is not a lot of education, or content or material geared towards single parents that are adopting or fostering the majority or our couples. And that's where a lot of the educational resources come in. So I do think it's really important to have people you can talk to have resources you can find because our reasons are different. And our needs are different, you know, a couple might not have to think about paying someone to have a daughter T day. And those are things that we have to think about. Right. So I think it's really important to have that conversation and be very open and honest about it. Yeah,

Dawn Davenport  27:34  
I would agree. Calling all foster parent trainers, our adoptive or foster parent trainers, or support groups for foster adoptive are kinship. So if you're a leader of a support group, or you are a trainer, creating a family has a terrific resource for you to consider. It is a curriculum for foster adoptive and kinship families. We have 25 curricula for you to choose from. Each one of them is a turnkey complete resource with everything you need to do a training. It is interactive, so we get people to participate. And it can be done online or in person, you can get more information about it at creating a family doc, or go to the training tab, click on it, and then click on curriculum. Check it out, please. All right, I want to shift now to some of the work life balance issues. Because everybody, every parent has an eye No. And we're all sick of hearing the term work life balance. You know, it's like get real. There's no such thing as a work life balance. But I do think that the issues single parents face is different. You have to work you have to be bringing in money, you are the single support of your family. And you also need a life yourself. There's just so many things that come in with just the one person so for lack of better term, let's call it the work life balance. So Britt, what have you found as far as your ability to balance your work life and your parenting life and feel that you're giving to your daughter and also have some time for yourself? I

Speaker 3  29:18  
feel like my situation is a little bit unique in that when I was in India for three months, I ended up losing my job because I went past the FMLA and my position was a position that was hard. So I do part time bookkeeping on the side now. I work from home from my office. I'm grateful that my job allows me to I can do the work during naps. I can do the work when she goes to bed for the most part I can work around her schedule, which has been extremely stressful in some ways but also I struggled with it a lot when I got back from India do I look for another full time job or do I? I sat down current numbers in the end was realized that I was able to make it work doing part time bookkeeping work until she's in preschool, and then I'll transition back into a full time work. And it's been nice to be able to be there at home with her as much. But then, since I picked her up on June 22 of last year, I think we've had a total of 20 hours apart from each other, which is not enough.

Dawn Davenport  30:25  
So glad you're being honest about that.

Speaker 3  30:27  
She is my world but but she's two and a half. And sometimes, I you know, I don't get enough of a break from her. Just how it's worked out so far. And I, I'm realizing more and more how important that self time in so the work life balance, it's hard to work around a toddler, sometimes if I'm trying to make a quick call or do things and she decides she's going to play her drums or just start screaming for no reason, not angry, screaming, just screaming, you know, because she's too. So that can be frustrating. And the other side of it is, since I'm not getting out to work and be around other adults, I'm not getting the time away from her, which I'm working on finding better solutions for now, I

Dawn Davenport  31:09  
would encourage you to find better solutions. Just because you're a single parent, you need time away. And that's part of the balance part is getting some time to yourself. So, Amy, how have you found time for yourself time for your work and time for your kids?

Speaker 2  31:29  
Yeah, it's gotten easier as I've gotten older. I started this when I was 30. And I am 50. Now, you know, I did the whole toddler thing again at 48. And one of the things I learned is why women don't have babies at 48 is because you're dead exhausted at night. This is why you do it at 25 and 30. So in some ways, my vision of work life balance has gotten clear over time. You know, it's I love my job. I love working. I am currently working at home just because they closed our office because everyone's remote. And I hate it. I loved going into the office every day. I was away from home haven't helped me. I was away from my kids.

Dawn Davenport  32:19  
It was time. Yeah, I guess I really liked

Speaker 2  32:22  
that I do not actually like working from home, which is where I have to be right now given my employer. But the work life balance, it is hard. It's probably harder for single people because you can't offload it, any of it without hiring a babysitter. That is some of what I've done in the past. Like there were times when I had to get work done. I sound like I keep pulling off my children. But I would hire a babysitter and Saturday and Sundays. And when you do it on Sundays, you have to work at McDonald's, you can't work at the library because the library is not open on Sundays, right? Like I would go work at McDonald's for five hours to catch up on stuff, especially if I had to leave work early during the week to go do kids stuff. You just got to find a balance. I don't know that I've done great at supporting my interests outside of working kids. I don't know if that's different, really different being single than it is being a modern woman in today's age. I am a feminist at heart. But I also think that some of our feminist forebears did us a disadvantage. I don't know that you can have a really successful aggressive career and simultaneously be a really successful mother in the way that I want to be a mother. I have had a good career. So I don't I haven't I haven't given you any advice at all. It's hard. And you just keep working at it and learning and trying to do better the next year. That's like the only advice I have I think,

Dawn Davenport  33:46  
in some of this, I think is probably exacerbated when you're single but I I know plenty of parents, but mostly women who feel like they have the primary responsibility for the kids and and are trying to balance work. But I do think it's exacerbated. So, Sadie, how about you? Have you found how you might balance it? Also, do you have a personal life? Yes.

Speaker 1  34:11  
So the benefit of this process taking me six years is that partially I've fallen into it and partially I built a world for myself that was conducive to having a child and being a single parent. So I work for a great place that is very flexible to small department, two of the managers have been single parents of their own at some point. So you know, there's and they're they're all parents, so there's an understanding of needing flexibility. And it pays well which is important. Yep, that's important. It is and with COVID You know, we had to stay home for a couple years and found that that was actually nice. So they've developed a hybrid work policy and we can create that to look however we want at the discretion of our managers. So I actually work from home in the morning, and can be around my kiddo, I'm not taking care of her, my mother is, but I'm there and in the home as a presence. And then in the afternoon, I get to see adults, right, I go into the office, that's two minutes from my home. So it's a nice balance of, you know, getting some time on my own, even if it's working, and still being able to be home. And I have found, it's more important to spend time with my daughter, then put an extra load of laundry, and you have to make those decisions of, you know, do you mop the floors? Or do you play a game, the horse can wait, you know, so it's making those decisions, my mother has been great at saying you need a break. So as a bolt, I'll take her like every other Saturday, for a few hours. So I can spend time on my own or with friends. And that's been helpful, the first year of child's life, it is very isolating, and you're not going to have a social life. I mean, that's just the way it is, I think, because you're just one you're too exhausted into that they need so much care. But as she's getting older, and I can go out with friends with her social life is starting to open up. And I think that's probably true for any parent, not just single parents,

Dawn Davenport  36:27  
there is a change and fringe group. Sometimes it happens, which Britt mentioned before, and that is if your friends are all having children at the same time, then you're all in and at the same time. But if you are having friends either in a group that is childless, or they've had their children a lot earlier, sometimes it does require a change in friend groups, which is really hard. I think

Speaker 1  36:47  
most of my friends are significantly older than me partly from the dynamic of the kind of town we live in. And I've collected people when I've moved from workplace to workplace. So my mom joke the other day for someone that has such a small family, your baby has tons of aunties. So she has an aunt Jane and an aunt Krystal and Aunt Tanya, that aren't actually related to me. So I'm lucky that I've got friends that are willing to go along for the ride, even though they don't have kids. That is fortunate.

Dawn Davenport  37:21  
Did you know that we offer free courses to help you be a better parent, thanks to our partner, the jockey being Family Foundation, we have 12 free courses that we offer, you can find them at Bitly slash j, b, f support. That's bi T dot L y slash JBS support. Okay, so now we've talked a fair amount about some of the challenges. Let's talk about some of the joys and blessings of being a single parent, be it adoptive or foster? Amy, I'll start with you.

Speaker 2  37:54  
It's the joy of a family life. Like it's not hugely special. It's like normal, and it's wonderfully normal and crazy and busy loving on these loving kids who have grown up to be these delightful young adults who, when I say I'm thinking about bringing a foster kid into the house, or like, all right, mom, like, are they like really good, let's do it and, and our game to like, drive around and babysit. And it's just sort of the joy of these wonderful adults that I've had the luxury and blessing of raising. It's a good thing to look back on. Like, I look back on the past 20 years. And I'm like, that's, that's good. I mean, I look back on my work, and I'm like, I've done good things there. That that has 20 years with my family and my kids. I'm like, That's it, man. I did good. They're good. They're good. I did good. It's wonderful. I love them. They love me. It's it chaotic craziness that is good for all of us. And so it's not one single thing. It's the environment that it has created for all of us. I guess. Britt, how

Dawn Davenport  39:00  
about you? What is that one of the biggest joys of being a single adoptive

Speaker 3  39:04  
mom. It's completely different than I thought it would be. And it is so yeah, and wonderful. I don't know if there is like, like Amy was saying one thing I love cuddling up with her little face and having her look at me with this look that I have pure love and devotion. And saying, you know, Mommy, I love you. And then even this later, calling me poopy and pretending to punch me like, I mean, It's total chaos. And it's wonderful. You know, the messes. I was a super clean person and I thought the messes would drive me crazy. And they do sometimes drive me crazy. But I also really like saying, Oh look, there's a little painted hanging print on the window from when he ran away from me. Or, I don't know. There's just so much my home feels full of love now and it's chaotic and it's loud. And I have a little buddy For I mean, it's more than just having a little buddy. But you know, I'm not I know I'm not alone, I have this partner and, and I gotta go. I don't know, it's just amazing to feel so completely loved as who I am, I can be completely vulnerable with her and she loves me She doesn't care. I don't know. She's just awesome. It's hard to words, but it's the best thing. It's completely different than I thought it would be when I started this journey, and I wouldn't change a second of anything that we have gone through together so

Dawn Davenport  40:28  
far. That's a perfect answer, then. All right, Sadie for you, what has been one of the biggest joys are blessings,

Speaker 1  40:36  
I think my answer is gonna sound pretty similar. I have a couple friends who adore her. And one of them has a couple friends that are around my age. And they say God bless you. I don't want to and I don't think I could raise a child on my own. I want to partner. And that's a completely valid life choice, you know, you got to do what's right for you. I didn't feel that was right for me. So I went a different way. But I told them, I said, I don't know if I can do this, you know, I want to do it. But there's being a parent is you can't rent a kid for a couple years and then say, oh, yeah, I'm going to be really good at this, you know, a baby comes to your home or a child and you're automatically parent, then you figure out if you're going to be any good at it. So I was pretty sure that I would be and I knew that I wanted it more than anything. And I had to drive seven hours to her with my mom. And she was in the NICU from Tuesday to Sunday. And I've stayed in the hospital with her and her hospital room from Thursday to Sunday. 24/7. And we left that hospital, a unit. And we've been a unit ever since. And I luckily, was absolutely right, that it was what I wanted, and that I would feel like I'm a good mother and and I'm good at it so far. And just having her presence in my life is a complete joy. And I think most parents all say the same thing. Right? You know, seeing them, learn the world watching them do that is one of the greatest joys of life and, and she's just brought joy to all of us. So that would be my answer. Well,

Dawn Davenport  42:22  
thank you so much Sadie Gonzalez, Amy Kirchhoff, and Britt Brower for talking with us today about fostering or adopting as a single parent. I think you will give inspiration to a lot of folks. So thank you very much for being with us today. This show as well as all the resources provided by creating a family would not happen without our partners and our partners are agencies who believe in our mission here at creating a family. One such partner is Vista Del Mar. They are a licensed nonprofit adoption agency. With over 65 years of experience helping to create families. They offer homestudy only services as well as full service infant adoption services. They also provide international home studies and post adoption support as well as a foster to adopt program. You can find them online at vista del mar.org/adoption.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai