Connecting with Teens

Please pardon any errors, this is an automated transcript.
Dawn Davenport  0:00  
Welcome, welcome everyone to Creating a Family talk about foster adoptive and kinship care. I'm Dawn Davenport. I am the host of this show as well as the director of the nonprofit, creating a family.org. Today we're going to be talking about connecting with teens. This is a topic that longtime listeners will know that I am really passionate about. So I'm excited to be talking today with Dr. Melody Aguayo. She has her master's in marriage and family therapy and a PhD in psychology. She is a parenting coach who specializes in working with at risk kids and their families. She has been a parenting coach for over 10 years and she is the founder of Real child consulting LLC and she is maybe most importantly, the mom of two adopted kids. Welcome Dr. Aguayo to creating a family. We're so glad to have you.

Speaker 1  0:51  
Thank you. It's such an honor to be here. You know,

Dawn Davenport  0:54  
I think that many parents wonder why their easy, natural connection they have with their kids changes as their kids age and reach their teen years. They now feel like they're on the outs with the kids and they have to work harder and nothing they do is right. I think it's it would help if we start talking about what is the developmental stage? That's it play between the ages, let's say of about 13 and 18, or 19? What are kids trying to do developmentally? What do they need to do? I guess is a better way of saying it?

Speaker 1  1:29  
That's a great question. I think that it's sort of like a parent teaching a child to swim. It's sort of like those phases where you start in the shallow end with the toddler, the toddler at first hangs on to you for dear life, because you know, you are the safety and security in that pool. But when you get to the teenage years, you're the side of the pool, and your children have to take away from you. And then they come back to you. They always come back y'all because you know, you can't swim, you can't tread and deep water forever. So they come back and they land on you. But they kick away again. So a lot of times you mentioned the ages of 13 to 18 or 19. I think it's important to distinguish between puberty, which is two to four years, depending on females are shorter. The physical puberty is only two years. For males physical puberty is four years. But adolescence is a process that's about 10 to 13 years. And I think that's what you're referring to is the adolescent brain, the brain changes are, you know, that's a long process of separating and connecting, separating and connecting. So

Dawn Davenport  2:47  
what you're saying is that you're making, as I understand it, the distinction between puberty, which is the physical, biological act, where we're developing secondary sexual characteristics where girls are starting menstruation. So those developments, but you're separating the physical developments from the emotional and intellectual developments that happened during adolescence. Is that am I understanding you correctly?

Speaker 1  3:11  
Yes, the neurological developments are super complex, and they just continue throughout life. But this time, so the first year of life is the other time where the most neurological changes within the first year of life, and then after that the next time is adolescence. So lots and lots going on in the brains of these kids. That creates some different ways of needing to engage and relate.

Dawn Davenport  3:40  
Yeah, and you know, it's interesting, I have survived. for teens. When you say they come back, it is true. It feels like a wrenching at times. And it feels does feel personal, because it's like nothing that I'm doing is correct. I mean, it is and but to understand that that is not only the natural, but it's also what we want. And we don't think we want it hurts when it's happening. But if our kids don't separate from us, that's not a healthy thing. You might think it is because you think, oh gosh, they're my little clone. But we shouldn't be we're not raising clones, we want our children to individuate from us. It's interesting, because I think that teens have to and they do act like they don't need us when I honestly believe that they need us even more to be present. But it's that our presence has to be in such a different way. And in a way that's honestly not always as satisfying from a parental standpoint. Hence why I think that our emotions, as parents can sometimes interfere with our Connecting because we get on our high horse because we're feeling rejected. And therefore we act based on our emotions, as opposed to kind of trying to pull back and say, Okay, this is not only a natural but a necessary step. It's not all about me. And there just being little toots, and whatever else, call up your other parents of your other friends who have parents of teens and you can commiserate. It's an important that we change our expectations of what connection means as our children are in their adolescence.

Speaker 1  5:19  
Absolutely, I think there's a few different parts of connection and one part is reaching. Another part is availability. And another part is receiving. And what happens during the teen years is it does kind of feel like a dry season of your children don't reach for you as often. So you need to really tap into the other two parts of connection, which are, you need to be available when they do reach and they reach at the worst time. 11pm at night, oh, well, cm at night, always. It's always when you're in the middle of an important meeting that your 17 year old calls you but they actually need you at that moment. So you have to increase your availability and increase your capacity for receiving. And that's a part that is hard for parents because like I said, it kind of feels like a desert sometime with teenagers. They don't when I mean increase your capacity for receiving I mean, increase your capacity for receiving some of the negative things that teenagers say to parents. This is not a time that you're lavished with compliments. That

Dawn Davenport  6:31  
is true. Yes, that is so true. Yes.

Speaker 1  6:34  
So you can't expect to be lavished with compliments. This is a time where if your kid says, You look pretty today, Mom, you're like, oh my gosh, did I just get a compliment from my 14 year old daughter at that sons will tell mom say look pretty, but daughters, they're a lot pickier. And so your your capacity to receive what they have to give at that age has to increase. And you have to also receive the negative things that they say to you. Because the truth is, our kids know us better than anybody. And they do need to practice being respectful. I'm all about boundaries. I don't

Dawn Davenport  7:12  
accept that, because they're teenagers are allowed to be rude, but go ahead.

Speaker 1  7:15  
Right, exactly. I'm all about boundaries, they have to say it respectfully, but they are discovering with their adolescent brain that is changing, they are discovering that you are quite imperfect.

Dawn Davenport  7:27  
Yeah. And that hurts. And that's where our parent emotions get caught up. Exactly.

Speaker 1  7:33  
Because when your child is eight, a healthy attached child at eight thanks their parents home the moon. Yep, a healthy attached child at 13 sees all the ways their parents are inconsistent. And all the things their parents do that are wrong. And we're human, we're both right, we both are awesome, in some ways, and just normal and ordinary and other ways. And they start to really see those things when they get to be around 1213. And that's mostly what they want to talk about until they're about 22. So you have to be willing to receive it, willing to set a good boundaries, so that it's communication and not bullying. We don't allow bullying, right. But our kids know us. And sometimes they know us in ways that become embarrassing to us, because they start seeing the inconsistencies. And you know what, in their adult, but not adult brains, they are going to kind of throw those out in ways that don't feel great.

Dawn Davenport  8:36  
They're making their own choices. And there is a distinction between a 13 year old and an 18 year old, but they're making their own choices. And sometimes their choices would not be choices that we have made, that we would have made or that we want them to make. And it is hard to realize that their choices are not a reflection of us or of our parenting, given extreme circumstances where it might be but but in generally speaking, that our kids are making mistakes, and that is not us as a bad parent, or they may not be making a mistake, it may just be a choice that we wouldn't have made. But let's say it is a mistake. That's not a reflection on us. If I see kids who are perfect, that could be just a personality, there are some very compliant people, then they're gonna be very compliant teens. But a lot of times if you see a kid who is just perfect, that's not a healthy situation, either. That's a child and either not being allowed to make mistakes, or being frightened to make mistakes, or could just be a really easygoing kid who is just not one who's going to push boundaries. But anyway, I think that's the other thing that kind of gets in our way as parents because we think, okay, the world is looking at me and judging me because of what you're doing.

Speaker 1  9:46  
Yeah, we really have to detach our expectations in order to keep our joy as parents and that becomes a bigger part of our journey in adults. essence. So if my expectation and I have a child who has significant special needs, if my joy was attached to that child's behaviors, I would have none. I would have no joy. I would feel like I had no purpose, I would be in the depths of despair. So a big part of having adolescents just in general, but particularly adolescents who are making and I say, making choices, but I think the greater the impairment, the less choices people actually have. Yeah, true. I agree. Yeah, I don't mean to put it all on the child who is impaired. But yeah, back to what you said about individuating is an important part of adolescence. I completely agree. And you have to consider it this way. Do you want your child kicking off the side of the pool, when you're there strong and steady, you're lining the pool for them to come back to you? Or do you want your child doing that when they're all alone, because if you don't allow it to happen, some in that normal season, where it's going to happen in the home, if you shut it down, then it's going to happen when they don't have you to land on. And that's really scary, because they need us so much.

Dawn Davenport  11:14  
I feel that way about making mistakes, which is another way of saying the same thing. You want your kids to make mistakes when you're there to help soften the blow. And they're going to continue to make we all do I continue to make mistakes. But you don't want to be interfering, so that there is never a mistake may because you're basically hovering and making decisions for them. Because eventually they're going to have to make them and they're going to be making these mistakes, and an age where the consequences are far greater. Yeah, such an interesting point. Let me pause this wonderful interview for just a moment to ask if you know about our free monthly newsletter, it's an E newsletter, obviously, we would love to send this to you, you can get a free downloadable guide. If you subscribe. It is easy to do, you go to Bitly slash trans racial guide, today, bi T dot L y slash trans racial guide. If you head there today, you will receive our newsletter monthly, it's easy to unsubscribe. So if it doesn't melt your butter, it's not your thing, then all you got to do is unsubscribe and let your friends know about it as well. I think most parents goals for their children are to become responsible, independent, happy, healthy adults. So how do we parent in the tween and the teen years to foster these goals?

Speaker 1  12:41  
I think goals are good. And I also think sometimes goals get in the way of our present joy, and our present ability to manage what's happening today. So I think goals are good. But at the same time, I think just understanding that, okay, he's 13, he's not 27 We have some time to work on this. Because a lot of times parents get stuck in making decisions based out of fear. And anytime we make fearful decisions in parenting, they're poor decisions anytime. And that fear comes from looking too far into the future that fear comes from he's 13. And he's doing this what if he doesn't, when he's 18? Again, what you mentioned, you know, the legal consequences, all of that, that come. And so we start parenting out of a space of fear. And that's where I think we get caught up and disconnecting with our kids as well. I think we need to stay away from that fearful parenting and try to focus on today today, this child is 13. We've got a long time between now and 18. And we're going to learn what we need to learn or at least improve our learning between now and then the children that I work with, really, really struggle during adolescence, much more than a typical kid. So I'm also looking at kind of more extreme behaviors that we have to kind of deal with day to day versus think too far out.

Dawn Davenport  14:10  
I think that is such, if I can find it, I will link it. There was a blog I wrote many years ago that was talking about that it is so tempting. When we have kids with special needs to jump into the future and say if they're doing this now, what will they be like? And what will life be like for them? Or what will they be like when they are and we call that the spin you know we're in the spin then you know, we're spinning it way out of and at this point. He's 13. We'll deal with it as a 13 year old. Yeah, right to make that is such good advice.

Speaker 1  14:41  
And we get fearful when our kids start kicking off the side of the pool. It's a fearful feeling because

Dawn Davenport  14:47  
we're not yet to deal with they could drowned. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker  14:52  
That pool and they're not ready and we know well,

Dawn Davenport  14:55  
or the interesting thing is they may be more ready than we realize and It's our fear that they could drown. But in fact, hopefully with many of our kids, we've taught them not only to dog paddle, but we've taught them how to make, you know, they can do breaststroke, they can do the crawl, there are things that our kids can do in the water. And I know I'm overworking this and analogy there now, but they may do better than we think, in fact, that has been my experience is that they're actually more capable than we think. And that's where I do think that us as parents, we want to continue to be the one deciding we also want to continue to be needed, we want to continue to be the center of their lives, we want to be hanging the moon, or at least be viewed that we have. And that's not a healthy adolescence,

Speaker 1  15:41  
right? There's this quote, and it's an anonymous quote, I have no idea who said it, but I've based whole days workshops on it. And it says, first children love their parents, then children are annoyed by their parents, and then children decide whether or not to forgive their parents. And those are actually healthy phases.

Dawn Davenport  16:03  
Gosh, that's powerful.

Speaker 1  16:04  
It is very powerful. So teenagers are at that phase where they are annoyed by you. It's okay. It's okay, it does pass, it does pass. But it's important to understand that that's actually a healthy part of development. We don't want children to stay in the I love my parents, and they could do nothing wrong. That's denial, that's dissociation. That's unhealthy immaturity, we want them to go through all three phases,

Dawn Davenport  16:34  
and then come back to the I love them. And not that their love ever stops. But the hard part there is to accept that they have to forgive us for what we didn't give and didn't do. And that's hard. Oh, that's powerful.

Speaker 1  16:46  
Yeah, it's very powerful. It's very powerful.

Dawn Davenport  16:50  
Yeah, I'm gonna be thinking on that, for the rest of this week for sure. If you are someone who is involved in training, foster adoptive or kinship parents, or if you are someone who runs support groups, for these type of families, I want you to know about our interactive, participatory curriculum that we have, it's designed for either online or in person use. It is designed to be as easy as it possibly can be to run a high quality training or a support group. We have 25 curriculum, you take one off that digital shelf, and it's got everything you need to run a great group with almost no preparation, you can find out more about it at, there's two ways to do it. One, parent support groups.org. Or you can go to creating a family.org website, hover over the horizontal menu on the part that says training and click on curriculum. I'd like to move now to addressing some of the common issues we face when parenting teens, some of the more challenging issues. And number one, I just have to bring it up is arguing, you know, it's the every darn thing is turns into an argument. Any thoughts on that? Dr. McGuire?

Speaker 1  18:09  
Well, I still think that parents have to be in charge, they have to set the stage of what the home looks like what the rules are. And if you feel very strongly about something, it's okay to set rules around that. And it's also okay to tell your teenager something along the lines of listen. Maybe I'm mistaken. And if I am, I will be the first to apologize 10 years from now. But today, I'm making the best decision that I know how to make. I'm also new to this. I used to say that to my kids, both of my kids were teenagers at the same time. And I remember saying to them all the time guys, I'm a new teenage mom, I'm gonna get some of this stuff wrong. And when I find out, I'm wrong. I'm gonna apologize. You know, I will. But I'm making the best decision that I know to make for you guys in this moment. So don't compromise your values. Because your teams are pushing those values. And everybody has different values. You can't pick every battle with teenagers, you just have to have the big ones, right? The little things you should let go. Things like what time do they go to bed? Right? I mean, you're not going to be telling them what time to go to bed and college. And you don't

Dawn Davenport  19:27  
have any control over that. Exactly. You cannot make them sleep. And if you're kidding yourself if you don't think that they're going to be turning the lights back on or whatever. Exactly,

Speaker 1  19:35  
exactly. So that's just a silly battle to pick because you can't control other slowly battles and I know this sounds for some people, they're going to be like what? Things like so many teenagers are vaping these days, right? Can you stop your teenager from vaping? outside of the home, I don't think you can if your teenager wants to vape so that would be something or you could say, you know, this is not allowed in this house, if I find a vape, I'm tossing it. And, you know, this is why it's not good for you. But you can't stop them from doing it. Just like you can't stop a teenager from having sex, if they want to have sex, you want to keep communication open about all of these different things that teenagers are going to be tempted to do and different teams, you know, your kids, you know, the kids that are going to try all the things and the kids that are not going to try all the things. And you have to again, just keep that communication open. But don't compromise your own values in your home. So like, say you have a 15 year old child who you know, will get in trouble with a cell phone, there's no way that this child can monitor themselves around a cell phone usage. I would not give that child a cell phone. Now, will they get a cell phone from somebody? Maybe, but I don't want to be the bearer of a bad gift for my own child. If I know they can't handle something,

Dawn Davenport  21:05  
or you might try compromise which you can find a phone that is non smartphone are only allowed to text Yes. Or you can find a phone that does not allow access to the internet,

Speaker 1  21:15  
the gab, the pinwheel, there's some good phones out there where you can monitor a lot more. Well,

Dawn Davenport  21:21  
yeah, they'll allow that texting and texting only and you can get into a lot of trouble with texting. But it does control some of the other perhaps worse things that can happen. Yeah. And your values of what I like. I also think that parents can demand a certain amount of respect, I don't think that it is accept? Absolutely, yeah, there is a distinction between the parents and the kids. And there's a certain amount of respect. But I also think that we as parents model that respect to our kids, I would not tell my kids that you know, you're stupid or something, I just wouldn't do that I would show them respect. And when they're upset with me, I expect respect back, which means you could be angry at me, you could disagree with me, but you can't call names. Yeah, whatever your values are.

Speaker 1  22:04  
Respect is really you can't have intimacy without respect. So respect is something that I'm not going to fight the little battles with my kids. But respect is something that is worth fighting for. Because you can't have intimacy without it. And I agree with you, I can tell my children with 100% certainty. I have never spoken to you that way. And I expect the same from I've said those exact. Yes, you don't do that. I don't speak to you that way. My words are full of life for you. Life and encouragement. I just need the same respect.

Dawn Davenport  22:41  
And this house, we don't talk to other human beings. We don't talk to our pets that way we don't talk to Yeah, right. Right. In our family, we don't do that within the family. Yeah.

Speaker 1  22:50  
So about arguing. I don't love the word arguing because it implies that we share authority with our children. And I don't think we share authority with our children. I think that we can respectfully negotiate some boundaries. And we can respectfully negotiate rules, even as kids get older. But they don't hold the authority to argue with us. They're not our peers. And so that's what I will often say to teenagers and families I work with, too, is you're you're talking as though you guys are on an equal plane here. But Mom and Dad always are going to have more authority until you leave the house now with that authority. So I love leadership books, especially when it comes to parenting teens. I prefer leadership books to parenting books, because I think that they are so insightful. And they focus on the leader, not the followers. And like Brian Tracy, he said this quote that said, Be the kind of leader that people will follow even if you have no title or position anymore. And I think about that in terms of parenting, when I'm not Mommy, why would they want to follow? They would only want to follow me if they know that I'm a good, fair kind leader. And so I focus on that a lot as my kids, my kids are now young adults, they're 18 and 19. And I just focus on how can I be the kind of leader they want to continue to follow because I don't have authority the way I did when they were five, right? That

Dawn Davenport  24:26  
goes into the collaborative problem solving. A leader can be collaborative. That's not saying they're on the same level, but it makes sense. You get better solutions to your problem. If you're being collaborative. And we can that collaborative with our young people. We absolutely, exactly.

Speaker 1  24:42  
Exactly. And you can still have the final say but they have to be part of a lot of this problem solving. Teenagers need to be part of it. So if there is a cellphone issue, there's a curfew issue. I would always sit down with my kids and say how do you think we should handle this like Let's talk about what do you think is fair? What do you think is right? Here's what's hard for me I have, I can't sleep if I don't know where you are. But so then I can't sleep for the next day. And then the next day, I'm, you know, so we now I have the final say, because I do believe you can take your kids car keys, it doesn't belong to them, they didn't buy it, they're not paying for all of the things more than likely in today's world, you know, you can do that. But don't do it unless you have to try to problem solve first with the child, and see if you guys can come up with a solution together, I

Dawn Davenport  25:35  
will give an example of her my own life, new soccer about the I can't sleep, what time is a reasonable time for you to be coming home and, and we sat down and I said to him, my problem is I'm not able to sleep because I'm listening, I'm awake. I'm waiting for you. And so I can't sleep. And then I'm tired. And so we one of my kids were going through this with their solution was that we would set up an alarm clock on the kitchen counter, and they would set it and I didn't, I'm not saying other people would have the same approach. We didn't have hard and fast curfews, it was, what are you going to be doing? What's a reasonable amount of time, when's a reasonable amount of time for you to come home from this thing. So we would set for that whatever time they chose. And obviously, there would be some influence, you know, if there was, it had to depend on what they were doing or whatever. And then when they came home, they would turn the alarm clock off. And that's actually worked quite well for us. And that was what we use, the younger children all adopted, and that was their solution. And it actually worked out fairly well. As far as I know, they didn't abuse the privilege they might have. But I didn't go into the assumption that they were going to abuse it because they were a part of the solution. And it was their solution. So anyway, that's as a practical example of when you said I can't sleep it made me remember that. Yes, that's a great example. All right. Another common issue that we hear over and over again, is spending too much time on technology, be it gaming, be it texting, be it their phones, or whatever, it's spending too much time on technology, thoughts on that, how we connect with our teams through that?

Speaker 1  27:10  
Yes, so I definitely think and this is someplace where I do think exercising more control is important. And I'll I'll give you guys the reasons why I believe that's the case, because I really think technology blocks all the kinds of learning we want our children to have at this age. And so I do think there needs to be for most kids, that they're not naturally self correcting. There are kids who autocorrect I have one of those she literally autocorrect send, you hardly have to say a word to her. But the other one does not. So if they're not auto correcting, I do think some firm boundaries around you know, at this hour, the phone comes by my bed, these evenings, we put our phones in the basket, and this could be the entire family, we put our phones in the basket from five to 8pm. Because we're just doing family time. We're not doing screens tonight, I think you have to create opportunities for fun things to happen in the family where technology is not the center. And you can do that by asking for some of those things. But it's easier to ask on the front end, it's very hard to do this after you've given your child a phone and attached no rules to it. That's the mistake most people make is they're really they're giving kids phones too early. And then they're trying to backtrack and figure out what are the rules for this device that should all happen ahead of time, that should all happen before the child gets the phone, here's the expectations. Here's where you will lose this privilege. And here's our priority is that this does not become a substitute for appropriate connection, you know, for connection that we believe is just more brain building, maturity, building, that sort of thing. So it can be used in addition to those things. But if your child's really isolating, not participating, appropriate socially, all their connections are through technology. Personally, I would form lots of strict boundaries around that tech.

Dawn Davenport  29:18  
Yeah, in general, it's an interesting thing. When our kids are little sometimes, especially if our kids aren't pushing boundaries. It's easy to have the inverted V when they were younger, where we let them do everything. And then when all of a sudden when they get to teams we're wanting to, to tighten in and it is much harder to add restrictions after the fact than it is to start off with a non inverted but a regular V, where you start off with anything with restrictions. And then we're going to see how it goes and then we will loosen the restrictions. And then as long as we're everybody is behaving in a responsible manner with whatever it is, then we can continue to loosen restrictions, as opposed too, having no barriers, and then all of a sudden trying to put the restrictions, yes, no matter what you're doing, it just feels like they're not. They feel like they're being punished. Yeah,

Speaker 1  30:08  
it feels chaotic. It feels chaotic. And you're so right, it has to start. This starts in childhood. You know, I always feel badly when parents are like, well, when he's bored, he just grabs his iPad, and I'm thinking, why does the five year old have an iPad? And Why can he just grab it anytime he's bored? Like, that's not appropriate boundaries around technology. So yes, it starts earlier. I'm pretty anti tech just because of all the things I've seen, technology, all the dangers that it brings. We had iPads that we used only for trips, but the kids never, they never had access to it at home. And I had a child with learning disabilities, honestly, he would have never learned to read, he would have never graduated high school, if he'd had technology at his fingertips all the time. Just because it would have blocked that learning, it's so much easier to just engage in technology than it is to learn the hard way. So

Dawn Davenport  31:05  
starting off with the guardrails on and then gradually reducing them. But it is important to gradually reduce obviously, not just with technology, but in everything because we're parenting for independence. Yeah, they're gonna be on their own parents job is planned obsolescence, exactly. To be parenting with the idea that we're not going to be around, nor should we be. In the future, we're having to work ourselves out of a job. And it was a job I liked. I didn't want to particularly work myself out of it. But that was it. Another common issue that we hear parents raising is running with the wrong crowd. Our kids peers are just hugely important, they're hugely important are hugely important. And it is terrifying from a parent, when you see your kid, or as a friend of mine once said, she goes, I have to admit, I think my kid is the wrong crowd. Yeah, she goes, the other parents are probably thinking my kid is the wrong crowd. So thoughts on that? Yeah.

Speaker 1  32:01  
So even more dangerous than running with the wrong crowd is being lonely. I do want to emphasize that because a lot of times parents will come to me with that exact question. My daughter has these four close friends, but none of them share on our value system. None of them go to church. And they'll have this list of kind of this litany of reasons why this is the wrong crowd for their dog. But me knowing their child and knowing, you know, the children that I work with, knows that this crowd is protective of that child, that that child would be alone without this crap. And being alone is the worst risk factor. It's the worst risk factor for human beings for addiction for early death, for suicidality for all of it. And so be careful not to strip your child of all of their friendships. And I don't know what that looks like for your specific child. But I do think that if your child has three crowds, and one of them's the wrong crowd, then it's easier to redirect that child to the other two crowds, right to say, Listen, honey, I, you know, I've just noticed this, this, and this when you hang out with these people. And I can't support that I get really concerned. So here are the parameters for this crowd. But the parameters for this crowd are a little looser, because I trust them, right, you can have that conversation when a person has multiple options. But if a person has no options, then you bring that crowd into your home. Exactly. You get to know that crowd, you get to love that crowd, and you start creating some community with that crowd. Because that is less dangerous than your child being alone.

Dawn Davenport  33:59  
And you might just find out that, once you get to know them, they're not as much of a negative influence, as you feared.

Speaker 1  34:05  
Because the things we're really concerned about as parents. I mean, there's, you know, maybe they don't share your values, maybe they don't share your community. Maybe they don't go to church. But my biggest concern is does your child feel a little bit better? A little bit smarter, a little bit prettier, a little bit more wanted after she hangs out with these friends? Or does your child feel worse about every part of her life? That's how we know if there are friends that are supporting the esteem of your child, and that I feel like is more important than nitpicking every little value. I mean, this is just an age of kids are exploring all these things, and a lot of them you're going to be uncomfortable with. But if there are people who, who love your child, support your child and encourage your child to Then I really want to get to know those people.

Dawn Davenport  35:01  
What if it's the opposite, though, where you feel like your child is not being enriched? And all the ways I love how you said that this is crowd uplifting your kid, even if even if you don't approve of the uplift that they're getting? Exactly, exactly. But what if it isn't? What if your child is feeling worse about himself? What happens then?

Speaker 1  35:21  
Yes, then you have to work really hard to help your child find their people. And if that means that you start driving an hour and a half to go to magic club and Hendersonville once a month, then you go to magic club, bogeyman club, automate conventions, you help your child find their people. And typically this is a situation where because I see this happen a lot where kids are isolated, because they're often quirky, they have quirky interests, they are not into sports, cheerleading, gymnastics, all the things that other kids are interested in, maybe they just really love to draw anime, and they love to watch anime, or they're 17. And they love Pokemon. They're obsessed with Pokemon, you know. So it's that kind of kid that needs very specific crowds. And you can find clubs for almost anything. And clubs are a great place for those kids to find connection. And the age of the people doesn't matter as much as the connection y'all. So sometimes kids, particularly kids who are on the spectrum, who are very quirky, if you go to astronomy club, and trust me, I've been to lots and lots of clubs. As a parent of a child, I would say probably three out of 10 of the people there were probably on the spectrum of most of the clubs that I visited, but they all had this common interest. And it made them a really good community for each other.

Dawn Davenport  36:53  
And that also often takes growth. From a parent's standpoint, a parent who is sports is the obvious, I'm trying to get something, it's not just very academic, let's say let's say not there in a parent, that's what they value. That's what they were, they were in the chess club, they were in the math club. And you can say the same for sports, that would be the obvious one, and they have a kid. And quite frankly, our kids, adoptive and foster kids are more likely to have talents and strengths that differ from there because there's a certain biological connection. So we are as a group of parents more likely to find and we can expect our kids to adapt to us. This is a case where we as parents have to okay, I don't know the first thing about theater. But if I got a kid who is acting theatrical, and that's if I think that's, that's where my kid, then I become the theater parent. Yes, I've always been the sport parent, that's where I would shine. But by golly, I'll learn how to paint a set, you know, or I can sell tickets. So I will be out in the lobby selling the drinks to the families that are coming in. So you can expect your kids to change to fit your particular your cork again,

Speaker 1  38:04  
yes, yes. And you have to become really good at creating, if your child cannot create their own community, you need to do it for them, if they're in a community where and that's a great example, theater, things like that, if they're in a community where they're being abused or bullied, even if the child does not want to leave that community, I would find a new school for my child. Because children always fear change more than they fear wherever they are, right now, their babies, they don't even if they're 15. They don't understand the long term consequences. But this is why do not leave children in bad situations. Childhood is literally the formation of possibilities. And if you let a child stay in a toxic relationship for four years, they are not learning to avoid toxic relationships. They're learning to survive that. We don't want that. We don't want that. So if we have the power to find a better group, then I'm going to be investing a lot of time in that if that is my kid, I'm going to be working really hard at huh.

Dawn Davenport  39:07  
Yeah, that's such a good point. That's such a good point. Because the devil you know, is always better than the devil. You don't. And so there's something in that school, it's always going to be a hassle for the parent. I mean, there's yeah, there's no way around that. Yeah.

Speaker 1  39:21  
And we all know if we're parents that different kids need different things. I thought my kids were going to be public schools from kindergarten through 12th grade. One of my kids couldn't survive Publix. So if that's your kid, you just keep having to go back to the drawing board and it's okay. It's okay. Yep.

Dawn Davenport  39:42  
Did you know about our free courses that can help you be a better parent? Thanks to our partners, the chalky being Family Foundation. We have 12 free courses that are available to you. The topics are excellent. The experts are excellent. You can get continuing a credit if you need that. You can find them at Bitly, slash J, d f support, that's bi T dot L, Y, slash, J. B F support. And thank you, Jackie being family for your support. All right, now we're going to the part of the show that everybody likes best. And that is the TIPS section. So tips for connecting and building trust and appreciation with your teen. I've got some and I know you got many I'll get let you start off. It doesn't have to be your number one tip you begin with these are not necessarily in order. I'm taking the pressure off.

Speaker 1  40:33  
Yes, so definitely be available. Again. I feel like that's the part of connection that we need to practice the most as parents with our teenagers. So be available be available for the laughter when it comes for the silly video that they want to show you for them to jump on your bed at 11pm at night and tell you all about their day. Like your availability is a huge currency for teenagers. And I get to hear teenagers talk about their moms and dads a lot. And trust me when I say they want your availability, they all want

Dawn Davenport  41:09  
that. And you mean their physical presence as well as when you're present, to actually be paying attention not to be yes, glancing at your phone every second physical

Speaker 1  41:17  
and emotional availability. I can remember my daughter was really upset with me one time because I did not remember who her biology teacher was. And she'd been talking about him all year. So like my attention was really not. It was just not there. It was not on the I didn't think he was that important.

Dawn Davenport  41:41  
Or at least his name wasn't important. Exactly.

Speaker 1  41:43  
I mean, I was listening. I was here every afternoon from four to six right before her practice. And you know, I wanted to be available. But I wasn't receiving the information with the value that she was giving it to me. When she got upset. I was like you're right. You've been talking about him all year. Let me make a list of your teachers. Let me make a list of the classes. Yeah, girl, I'm gonna memorize this. Yes. And this won't happen again. Because she was right. I was paying attention to what I thought was important. But not the details. I didn't think were important, but they were important to her. Yeah,

Dawn Davenport  42:15  
yeah. Been there done that. Yes. Yes, okay. I will give a tip. Create rituals that foster connection. They can be anything. I mean, for us, we I'm a big believer in family night. And we continue that, as our kids were teens. In fact, college, we always had a family night and it had to change a lot of times it changed things that I didn't enjoy as much but that's okay. We used to do it. Your rituals can be things like the first Saturday of the month, you get a mani pedi with your daughter, you know, one night a week is a dad cooks with each of the kids or whatever something along those lines. Ours at family night was that we would get this one particular child, we would split when the Ben and Jerry's ice creams but neither one of us really cared for the ice cream, we only wanted the the mixings or the things that were in it. And we went each fight to get the biggest hunk of the mixings out. And we to this day, and she is significantly older, she's in her 20s. If we are together, we'll always buy that and we'll sit there and we'll fight and try to dig and dig and dig until whoever gets the biggest is the winner. We were connecting at the time over competing about getting the biggest hunk of chocolate chip cookie dough out. But I also think we were connecting on a different level as well. So creating rituals.

Speaker 1  43:31  
I love that my next tip would be to have fun and try to do novel things because novelty is such a hit for teenagers. And it can be like I would pick up some really really strange snack something like a dried chili shrimp at the Asian market. Let's all try this. And let's record ourselves trying it. Okay. Teenagers love to record themselves doing everything. They especially love to record me doing things for whatever reason, because I'm hilarious or something I don't know. But they love to record right. So you want to bring some novelty. So it might be trying a new food that's just kind of that game, the Jelly Bean game where you try the different jelly beans and some of them are really awful. Yeah,

Dawn Davenport  44:18  
like awesome, like snot flavored or whatever. Yes,

Speaker 1  44:21  
yeah, exactly. Oh my gosh, play that game with your teenagers and record the entire family doing it. I'm telling you, it will provide hours of entertainment. So basically just bring some novel things into your life because teenagers, they have lower dopamine than any other time in their life. But when they have dopamine surges, they're fantastic. And you experience a dopamine surge whenever you're doing something new or exciting or fun. And so I really encourage you to do that kind of stuff with your team so my teens loved finding new river spots where we would go swimming, they love have, you know just kind of any kind of water fun thing that we would do and they, they didn't like theme parks, that kind of thing was not their thrill. But yeah, just do novel things with your kids. That's really important.

Dawn Davenport  45:12  
Okay, the next one, I'll piggyback on that. Try to learn something new with your kid. I think there is something equalizing leveling, when you're learning something new, and it's especially interesting if, say, your kid's better at you. You know, I think that is good. Your kid is better than you at this learning this new thing you may have to you know, suck up your ego, but try cooking together, try cake decorating together, try, I don't know, some type of sport together, pick up pickleball. If you've not played that, do that together. But it's good. I think for our kids to see us not be all that great at something, you know? Yes. Okay, I piggyback on yours. So now it's your turn. I

Speaker 1  45:51  
love that. I love that. That's a great one. I also think just when you are connecting with your kids, I think one mistake that parents make is we ask too many questions. And that shuts down connection with teenagers like nobody's business. So I encourage parents to and this is fun, too. This kind of goes in that fun category where you start a chart for yourself. Of all the questions, you're asking your kid or something else, start a chart for yourself. It's like the opposite of a sticker chart, right? And then your kid gets a reward. Because Mom asked 15 questions today. So then you run out and get ice cream for your kid or you run out and, and so again, you're just making something really fun. And you're also retraining yourself to communicate differently. Questions really increased expectations. If I asked my husband, if he's coming straight home from work, he knows I want him to stop at the grocery store. He knows I need him immediately. Yeah, I'm expecting something

Dawn Davenport  46:53  
in my case, I would be expecting to you are coming home immediately. Because you are because

Speaker 1  47:00  
I need you exactly. Because I need you. So kids feel that same thing. And sometimes, you know, they come home and parents will pepper them with 20 questions, and it's just too much they feel, you know, do you have homework? Well, how'd your English test though? Was your math teacher mad that you miss? Well, all these questions, it's just, it's just a lot of pressure for kids.

Dawn Davenport  47:20  
Honestly, though, I'm not sure sometimes I would have had much conversation going on that next questions.

Speaker 1  47:25  
You bill. If you start noticing, yes, if you just instead of asking questions, I recommend like just notice, gosh, I noticed that every time you hang out with Johnny, you come home in the silliest mood, it makes me think you'll have a blast together. Or I've noticed that you wear that shirt a couple of times a week is that just like your favorite shirt. And so you'd like start it a little differently. You just start noticing things, and they will come again, they will approach you and you can receive the conversation

Dawn Davenport  47:58  
at that. Notice rather than ask yes, yes, yeah, yes.

Speaker 1  48:03  
And there's so much to notice. You're the parent, you know, all the things. Just stop asking questions. Unless you have to have the answer.

Dawn Davenport  48:12  
Yeah. You don't know the answer. Because sometimes we ask questions that we already know the answer to Yes. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1  48:16  
Exactly. I mean, if you really need to know, ask the question. But most of the time, it's not like that. You're

Dawn Davenport  48:22  
seeking conversation. And your hope is that the question will elicit the beginning of a conversation oftentimes, yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Okay, my next one would be look for ways to continue to give physical affection. And I think that we have to sometimes be flexible. As our children get over, they may not want a hug, they may just want a high five or a back rub or a pat on the head, not a pat on the head, a pat on the shoulder is definitely not a pat on the head because you mess up the hairdo. You know, so, foot massage, or rubbing their beno at night, when you go into the sacred night, asking their permission, kind of give you a quick foot massage, something along those lines, it's easy to forget that our kids still need the physical affection that we parents can bring. Okay, your turn.

Speaker 1  49:08  
I love that. I'm big on physical affection. And I'm thankful that my kids still receive all the hugs and kisses and all that stuff. But you're so right. It's so important for kids, especially kids that are avoiding it. You need to figure out ways that they will receive it because touch is such a big part of healing connection health. It's such a big part of that. So I really liked that point. Another thing that we kind of already touched on but is, you know, be a fun place for your kids to hang out with their friends. Be the person who says I will set up the outdoor movie. We will be in our bedroom, y'all can just hang. I'm going to get the best snacks. I'm going to be the person who says yes and we've never lived in a big space but we've always been the Family With an open door policy. We want y'all hanging out here. I think that's really important for teens. Now your teens might want to hang out everywhere but at your house, but their friends will appreciate that your house is open, and they will end up there more frequently than you think. If the door is open, and if you get the best snacks, yes, yes, yes, food food foods offered to order the Jets pizza, trust me long term benefits of you paying for those good snacks. Having those kids at your house are really precious benefits.

Dawn Davenport  50:33  
I've given this before. But a pro tip that you can use is always serve the best snacks in smaller containers, because then you have a reason to go into the room and refill the m&ms or refill the Doritos or whatever. So that's a pro tip. I love that. Let's see. So it's my turn that was going to say that the other one of my tips was getting to know their friends. And that ties in beautifully. That is one of the reasons. There's a couple of reasons why you want them at your house. Number one, you know that there is some supervision, although loosely, perhaps, but you also have the opportunity to get to know their friends. And that goes back to what we were talking about before the importance of peer group. And you also see your child in a different light when you see them interacting with their friends. You learn something about them that you might not know. So yeah, so I'm gonna give you the final tip for parents. I

Speaker 1  51:32  
guess the final tip would be don't be so fearful that you're not enjoying the present joys that your children bring you

Dawn Davenport  51:43  
love that. Oh, I am so glad. Yeah. She said that. Yeah, yeah, go ahead. His

Speaker 1  51:48  
children, you know, they want to be delighted. At every age, I want to be delighted in as an adult. And sometimes I think we're so bent on what they need to do that we just forget to delight in their little personalities and their evolving minds and their sense of humor and the quirky people they bring to the house. I mean, we just need to delight in them because they are who they are at this age. I don't believe we changed too much. Yeah, I have between adolescence and adulthood. So they are who they are. So if they don't feel completely seen and loved by you now, they probably won't feel completely seen and loved by you when they're 30. Mm hmm.

Dawn Davenport  52:30  
teens get such a bad rap. And parents, we work with parents of all age kids, but parents who have younger children are fearful of the teen years. And I just I love the teen years I truly not I didn't love every moment of the teen years, I will be totally honest. But their thought process their ability to engage in really interesting discussions, their view of the world. It is such an exciting and fun time. And I'd liked my own children's. I've worked in youth at our church for many, many, many years. It is not an age to be feared, it is an age to be honestly looked forward to if you if again, if we shift our expectations, as you had said, you know, and the way we connect, so I'm so glad you said that of all the tips we gave. Your last tip was the most important and I love how you said it. We all want to be delighted and we want to bring joy delight. We want somebody's eyes to light up about us. And we as parents are in the unique place to be able to have the opportunity for our eyes to light up. So I just love that. Thank you so much, Dr. Melody Goya, for being with us today to talk about connecting with teens. You've given me a lot to think about and I appreciate

Unknown Speaker  53:46  
it. You're welcome. Thank you for inviting me.

Dawn Davenport  53:49  
Children's connection has been a long, long time supporter of creating a family and we are so appreciative of their support. Children's connection is an adoption agency providing services for domestic infant adoption, as well as embryo donation and adoption. They work throughout the US and they provide home studies and post adoption support to families in Texas. Check them out

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