My most recent guest, Natalie McVeigh, talked with me about the neuroscience of stress and conflict. Here’s one excellent idea to highlight from our conversation. To paraphrase: There’s a lot of research on stress, and this one conclusion is key -- It’s not the stimuli, it’s our response to those stimuli. First step, be aware. What am I feeling? Is my body telling me that I am stressed? Second step, try to understand what about that stimulus is stressing you. What is the perceived threat? Figuri...
Jun 20, 2024•5 min•Ep. 286
Natalie McVeigh joins me to talk about her interest in the study of neuroscience of stress and conflict and how she uses what she continues to learn about human brains, emotions, and stimuli in her work with families as a coach, consultant, and mediator. And she helps to bust a few brain myths. Here are some key points Natalie made: perception is everything. When we think about conflict we should focus not on the stimuli (which can very rarely control), but on our response to stimuli. We are 100...
Jun 13, 2024•29 min•Ep. 285
My perceptions are mine and yours are yours. Nothing will change that fundamental fact. Our perceptions are – logically and inevitably – deeply affected by our experiences, assumptions, and expectations. When we see important things in deeply different ways, we have options. We can take a more positive approach. First, we can recognize and accept that we have different perceptions. Second, we can work to avoid the risk of damage to the relationship that comes with immediately assuming that our p...
Jun 06, 2024•5 min•Ep. 284
Here are some free resources to learn about conflict: Association for Conflict Resolution is here: https://acrnet.org/ Its Greater New York Chapter (ACR-GNY) can be found here: https://www.acrgny.org/ You can sign up for their monthly roundtable and find recordings of past roundtables there. The NYC-DR listserv has a wide range of posts. To join this listserv, or to sign up for the digest [i.e. one email daily], go to: http://listserver.jjay.cuny.edu/ . To access listserv archives, go to: http:/...
May 30, 2024•6 min•Ep. 283
Blaine Donais joins me to talk about a different definition of “conflict”. Blaine suggests that conflict is a perceived injurious event. We break down the three parts of that phrase and what they mean in practice, particularly in the workplace. Blaine mentions some excellent resources that inform his work: “The Emergence and Transformation of Disputes: Naming, Blaming, Claiming”, article by Bill Felstiner, Rick Abel, and Austin Sarat "Social Conflict: Escalation, Stalemate, and Settlement", book...
May 23, 2024•27 min•Ep. 282
When we are faced with a situation – one that isn’t a problem at all but easily could become one, or is simmering, or volcanic, or somewhere on that spectrum – we may choose to do nothing about it. That’s a choice. Denial – refusal to admit that conflict is possible or currently exists – is not the same. It’s hard to see any circumstance in which denial is a good plan. Why choose to do nothing? Maybe it’s not worth it to me to act because – on balance – the cost of doing something outweighs the ...
May 16, 2024•4 min•Ep. 281
My most recent guest was Khara Croswaite Brindle. We talked about her book, Understanding Ruptured Mother-Daughter Relationships: Guiding the Adult Daughter’s Healing Journey Through the Estrangement Energy Cycle . One point that came up was the ease with which we can judge other people’s choices. This can happen in various situations, including estrangements, estate planning decisions, and succession planning in a family business. They share common pitfalls. First, so often, nothing good comes ...
May 09, 2024•5 min•Ep. 280
Khara Croswaite Brindle joins me to talk about her book, Understanding Ruptured Mother-Daughter Relationships: Guiding the Adult Daughter’s Healing Journey Through the Estrangement Energy Cycle. One point Khara stresses is the concept of Acknowledgement, followed by Apology, and then Action. You can learn more about her work and the book here: https://croswaitecounselingpllc.com/ Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict...
May 02, 2024•26 min•Ep. 279
When getting into a cold pool, lake, river, or ocean, some people want to jump in and some want to ease in. It’s a personal preference and it would be hard to say that one is genuinely better than the other. Challenging conversations may be different. Easing into a tough conversation is more likely to lead to a productive talk. If someone comes at me full steam ahead, my defensive mechanisms will jump up just as fast as the other person jumps in, talking. I can avoid assumptions. I can avoid blu...
Apr 25, 2024•4 min•Ep. 278
My most recent guest, Michael Phillips, talked with me about his book, The Naked Negotiator. The book’s title comes from its focus on the basics: the principles that apply across the board to all sorts of negotiations. One idea Mike shared is “giving away the things that don’t matter.” If we think like problem solvers, and not like warriors, when we are engaged in a negotiation, we can more easily give away the things that don’t matter to us. If the other person cares a great deal about where or...
Apr 18, 2024•4 min•Ep. 277
Michael W. Phillips joins me to talk about his book, The Naked Negotiator. Mike chose that catchy title to capture the idea that when you strip away the specifics of a particular challenge you find the bare bones – the basic principles of negotiation. To find Mike online, search for “naked negotiator”. On X or twitter: @negotiationguru. On LinkedIn: “Michael Phillips naked negotiator” will take you to his profile. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question ab...
Apr 11, 2024•25 min•Ep. 276
Can gossip have a good side? According to social scientists, even more fundamental than answering that question is accepting that we all do it and we have for many generations. Gossip can be good. Apparently, it depends on the context. Here are some ideas from an online article posted on NBC Better by Today: Psychologists say gossiping is a social skill. Here's how to know if you're doing it right. https://www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/psychologists-say-gossiping-social-skill-here-s-how-know-...
Apr 04, 2024•5 min•Ep. 275
Terry Teale, my most recent guest, mentioned a useful concept: the WAIT idea. That’s W. A. I. T. A very handy and easy to understand acronym. It stands for Why Am I Talking? We can take a little time, be comfortable with silence – even if only briefly – and think before speaking. Will my contribution to a discussion be relevant? Helpful? Is now the right time? Am I the right person? Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or confl...
Mar 28, 2024•5 min•Ep. 274
Terry Teale visits the show this week. Terry is the co-author, along with Michael Fraidenburg, of "The Art of Mediation, Key Skills for New Mediators: Exploring Challenges, Growth, and Success in Mediation". We talk about viewing mediation as charting the course to positive change, golden questions, and understanding risk. You can learn more about their work and the book here: https://www.theartofmediation.org/ You will also find free access to a chapter! Do you have comments or suggestions abou...
Mar 21, 2024•26 min•Ep. 273
In our conversation about dealing with mercurial people, especially bosses, John Volturo (my most recent guest) shared insights about what to do to regulate yourself when you realize that you should take a pause before you are entangled in disagreement, or once you are. Pause behaviors can engage different parts of the body and different senses: eyes, ears, lungs, hands, and scents. It’s important to find what works for you, not someone else. Try out a few possibilities and then practice them, s...
Mar 14, 2024•4 min•Ep. 272
When we have been involved in an unpleasant conflict with a person or people important to us, it’s not surprising if our thoughts return to a specific event or time period. Ruminating is running the same negative thoughts through your mind over and over. You don’t serve yourself well by ruminating and you don’t help the relationship, either. The same persistent negative thoughts, often self-critical, do nothing to address the conflict. By revisiting the situation in your mind, you could focus on...
Mar 07, 2024•4 min•Ep. 271
John Volturo, an executive coach, joins me to talk about dealing with mercurial people, especially bosses. John also offers insights on pause behaviors, empathy and why gossip is not always a bad thing. To learn more about his work and to contact John send him a message through LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/johnvolturo/ Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.co...
Feb 29, 2024•27 min•Ep. 270
Last week, I talked about the general idea of the Johari Window Model. How do the four quadrants of the Open Area, the Blind Area, the Hidden Area, and the Unknown Area work? Full credit here to a website called HelpfulProfessor.com.: https://helpfulprofessor.com/johari-window-examples/ I encourage listeners to check out their Harry Potter example – better than any that I could create. With that small bit of explanation, you can consider how the Johari Window Model could serve you.If you are thi...
Feb 22, 2024•5 min•Ep. 269
The Johari Window model is a visual framework, with four quadrants. Its goal is to improve self-awareness, including understanding your conscious and unconscious biases. The model is typically used in some sort of team setting. The workplace is the most obvious application. Extended families, too, often work together in some sense – to share time and resources. Next time a focus on putting the model into use. These websites offer particularly helpful information on the model: https://www.mindtoo...
Feb 15, 2024•5 min•Ep. 268
David Gage visits the show to talk about the work that flows from the concept spelled out in his book, The Partnership Charter: How to Start Out Right With Your New Business Partnership (or Fix the One You’re In). The Charter goes beyond legal themes to help partners discover, discuss, and document just how they want their partnership to work. You can learn more about the book and the process that David and his associates use to assist partners here: https://www.PartnershipCharter.com . David al...
Feb 08, 2024•26 min•Ep. 267
It’s a two-step process. And the second part might be the more important. Before you move on, do what you can to improve the situation. Resolve the conflict, on your own or with professional help. Or, if that is not possible, perhaps you can mitigate it. Or perhaps just open some eyes and minds. Then, know you did what you could. And move on with your life. Not slamming doors and also not getting stuck in the doorway. My most recent guest talked about moving on as part of a specific process to a...
Feb 01, 2024•4 min•Ep. 266
The power of the cumulative effect is often overlooked and underestimated. Microaggressions are an excellent example of the power of the cumulative effect: the ongoing repetition of the indignities has an impact greater than one or two. My most recent guest mentioned them when discussing unconscious bias. https://bit.ly/3vDo04G “Buki Mosaku on navigating unconscious bias” I previously talked about understanding what microaggressions are and what to do about them. https://bit.ly/3e4u7QW “What are...
Jan 25, 2024•5 min•Ep. 265
Buki Mosaku is the author of “I Don’t Understand: Navigating Unconscious Bias in the Workplace”. We discuss the inevitability of unconscious bias in the workplace and recognizing that it isn’t always a one-way street. We talk about simple and complex unconscious bias: how to think about bias and concrete steps for each of us to take to address it. Most specifically: using the simple phrase, “I don’t understand?”, delivered as a question, to start a conversation about bias. You can learn more abo...
Jan 18, 2024•30 min•Ep. 264
The well-known Golden Rule can fall short when applied in end-of-life situations. A research article makes the case for The Platinum Rule. The Platinum Rule: A New Standard for Person-Centered Care, by Harvey Max Chochinov , OC, PhD, MD, FRCPC : https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9145569/ “The Platinum Rule, which would have us consider— doing unto patients as they would want done unto themselves— offers a standard that is more likely to result in treatment decisions that are consisten...
Jan 11, 2024•6 min•Ep. 263
The general idea of The Golden Rule is to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Less well-known, The Platinum Rule states you should treat others the way they would like to be treated. Taking a step beyond The Golden Rule to The Platinum Rule can help us to connect better with the other person, to step away from our natural and normal impulse to see everything through our own eyes, and to be more curious about the view the other person sees. Do you have comments or suggestions about...
Jan 04, 2024•4 min•Ep. 262
I hope that listeners have enjoyed what they have heard this year. Here are a few favorites: “We reap what we sow”, Episode 256, published on November 22, 2023. https://bit.ly/3Gdp2X5 . It was followed by Episode 257: “What seeds will you sow now?”, published on November 29, 2023. https://bit.ly/482bl9i Jay Hughes was back to discuss a favorite topic. Episode 258: “Jay Hughes on the role of elders in flourishing families” was published on December 6, 2023. https://bit.ly/3sZCniO You can also hea...
Dec 28, 2023•5 min•Ep. 261
Nick Rion is a personal and professional relationship coach. We talk about creating relationships intentionally, understanding what we want from a relationship. Nick’s framework of ten habits can help set up a relationship to be “conflict-ready”, able to handle disagreements that inevitably happen. You can learn more about Nick’s work and contact him through his website: https://www.nicolasrion.com/ Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict ma...
Dec 21, 2023•25 min•Ep. 260
We can have the very best of intentions when we deeply desire the perfect answer. Most of the time, there is none. When we find ourselves with a problem to solve or a situation to deal with we can develop a laser focus, bent on discovering that perfect answer. The only solution. We can expend lots of time and energy searching endlessly and fruitlessly for it. Or we could simply put off making a decision that we actually know has no perfect answer, in the vain hope that one will simply appear. Th...
Dec 14, 2023•5 min•Ep. 259
Jay Hughes is back for a second visit to the podcast. Jay has spent decades devoted to service to families. He has more insights into how to help families flourish than we can cover in a single podcast episode. Today, we are focused on a topic of particular interest to Jay: how elders help families thrive. Identifying potential elders, nurturing them, and as they step into and inhabit the role, how they serve the family in the present time and in ensuring the family’s future. In 2021, friends an...
Dec 07, 2023•32 min•Ep. 258
Last time, I talked about seizing the opportunity to use an annual, or at least periodic, event to check in on ourselves. What seeds have we sown? What are we reaping? f you did check in, and you don’t like what you see, what seeds will you sow now? It would be good to think in terms of seeds: small things. Things that can grow, with attention, into bigger things. Not trying to plant a full oak tree, but an acorn with a seed inside. Start small and build. Make a commitment to try to change. Star...
Nov 30, 2023•5 min•Ep. 257
