Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of iHeartRadio. Donald ducks out of another debate while inadvertently confirming he lost the last one. The self destruction of the Trump campaign and fascist political machine so thorough and unexpected that it looks intentional, has escalated. They used to be evil and clever. Now they are evil and stupid. They used to get the jump on external enemies, Now they are being jumped
by internal enemies. And Laura Lumer is advising Trump to do all the wrong things, while the last people who had advised him to do all the wrong things, Lindsey Blood in the Streets Graham and Marjorie Barney Rubbell Green have identified the real enemy, Laura Lumer and the the evil not so much genius as evil head shaped like a penis. Stephen Miller has melted down in an on camera rant in which he somehow wound up defending Venezuelan dictator and supposed leftist Nicolas Maduro. But back to the
biggest danger to Donald Trump right now, Donald Trump. This happened moments after a little noticed tweet resurfaced from one of his house elves, Congressman Mike Collins of Georgia. As the debate ended Tuesday night, Collins had written, quote, you want to know who won, find out who refuses to do a second debate. Literally within minutes, Trump refused to do a second debate, so burnt out that he reused his line from Wednesday. Trump posted at three oh eight
Eastern yesterday. When a prize fighter loses a fight, the first words out of his mouth are, I want to rematch. Holes clearly showed that I I won the debate. They didn't. But of course, were Trump to admit this, I suspect he would die. I mean this literally. If Trump somehow acknowledged his utter failure, the violent self destruction of his entire ecosystem would be so damaging that he could no longer exist. So then blah blah blah confuses political asylum
with mental asylums. Again, again contradicts himself by noting that he insisted on a second debate with Biden, tries to take the one glimmer of an impact he made during his closing statement about problems not solved during this presidency, and then in all caps, so you know he's especially crazy today quote there will be no third debate exclamation point was that Mike Collins quote. Again, you want to know who one find out who refuses to do a
second debate. That's Congressman Mike Collins, who, thirty six minutes after Trump was showed in Butler, Pennsylvania by another maga Republican gun nut on July thirteenth, had posted quote, Joe Biden sent the orders. Mike Collins says Trump lost the debate, and Trump confirmed that Trump lost the debate. Undaunted, Donald Duck continued his happy warrior campaign in Tucson with more clear and convincing policy speeches.
Now, Arizonas are experiencing an affordability crisis, and this is a crisis of no.
Say Rain and bushwagon horn for Rain Kruger, Kruger, Hey gonna row away?
Cutter?
Now, who can argue with that?
No, the sand hasn't about run out of his hour glass. Happily, there is always the voice of reason here. Marjorie Taylor Green, who attacked nine to eleven truth nut job Laura Lumer's racist attacks on Kamala Harris. Green is one of a bunch of Republicans who are really worried that as Trump's six week long losing streak continues, he is listening to Lumer because Lumer is telling him everything is great and he needs to lean into her racism and her conspiracy theories.
From my perspective, the real fear is Lumer is Trump's conduit to the psycho and QAnon and militia crowd, which, as his path through actual electoral victory eventually disappears, he will turn to to try to overthrow the election, which
he will do. Do not dismiss that thought for a moment, But for now we can also enjoy Green v. Lumer, in which Lumer has replied by attacking Green's fealty to Trump and her meandering social life, or, as Lumer put it, tell me again, how you and the RV's in your pants are representedives of the GOP Oh man, Do they still have those Jamocha shakes at Arby's. We used to have an Arby's between my TV station and my radio station in LA. I love those shakes. Sorry, back to onreality.
Green was immediately defended by Lindsey Graham. Yes, Loomer's comments about Harris are abhorrent, he said, but quote it's deeper than that. I mean, you know some of the things she said about Republicans and others is disturbing. Trump would serve himself well to make sure this doesn't become a bigger story. And that is never actually contradict Trump code. For get a new younger woman to have a crush on because that's ultimately what this is. Now it's Lumer.
He has a crush on her. He wants her to be seen with him for a while. That was Alina Habba. Before that it was the other spokes lawyer, Christina bob And before that it was Hope Picks, and before that it was that other woman who didn't make any sense but used to hang around Trump a lot. What was her name again? Oh, all right, Milania? Whatever happened to Melania? The post of eate poles are coming in now and they are strong but not spectacular. But there actually is
an excellent observation on that from Nate Silver. Seriously. The number is First Morning Consult, which has consistently shown Harris up by four or three, now has her up nationally by five. In polling it claims was done entirely the day after the debate. IPSOS did a poll for Reuters, some of which wasn't taken until yesterday and it is
also Harris up by five. Just as interestingly, IPSOS asked Republicans who won the debate, only fifty three percent of them could swallow hard enough to say Trump did, though thirty one percent hid behind. No one won. There are no winners here. We are all in this together. YouGov showed no change in its poll Harris plus four, but it found out that only thirty five percent of viewers
total thought the moderators had been unfair to Trump. That means a lot of Republicans didn't if you were expecting Harris's performance to give her a double digit lead by now. That is where I'm actually saying this. Nate Silver's insight
is not merely reassuring, but instructive. When a candidate wins a debate, he writes, some of the benefit comes not immediately, but when they get strong news coverage for several days afterward, or when voters who didn't watch the debate in real time see clips or memes or discussions of the debate.
The debate got sixty five million viewers, a strong number, but our model is projecting November turnout to be somewhere between one hundred and fifty million and one hundred and sixty five million voters, and most of those voters will probably see or hear something about the debate eventually. That means Harris's gains, if she has them, aren't likely to be fully realized for a few days. That's such a good observation that even Nate couldn't resist saying. So he
rescued that from behind his own paywall. He posted it, and he added, this is a particularly important point, imo, which is the Polster equivalent of Bill Murray years ago on SNL doing a few filmed weekend update report from a story, signing it off while on camera, then cutting to himself in the studio at the anchor desk and saying, thanks Bill, great report. Of course it is a particularly
important point, damn it. While we are technically inside the legal segment, and you can tell we are, I played the legal theme, okay, Liz Cheney I was fine with she didn't jump on some sort of anti Trump bandwagon. She co captained the January sixth committee. I don't care if she hates me. I respect her. Her father endorsing Kamala Harris that's a little tougher, but Bush wouldn't, so
I guess I have to respect that too. But now jumping on the camelot bandwagon, Alberto Gonzalez, Alberto Gonzalez, Trump's dumbest attorney general, the waterboarding and invasion of privacy one. He not only endorsed her, he wrote a piece endorsing her for Politico. I will give him this. That he could write an entire article was a pleasant surprise to me. Now this is legal stuff of value. How best to
prevent another January sixth? Will prepare for the next January sixth, No, literally the next January sixth, the one in twenty twenty five. Homeland Security has designated January sixth, twenty twenty five, the certification of the electoral College vote by Congress, a National Special Security Event, a designation described as a plan to give it the same degree of protection as the Super
Bowl and the UN General Assembly. So next January sixth, the District of Columbia will be as full of backchecks and visible police presence as any of the Super Bowls since the first Bush started the first Golf War, and that will be combined with the maddening frozen zones and street shutdowns that make UN General Assembly week the time that all new Yorkers of all vintages ask themselves the same question, why the F do I still live in
this place? That nightmare of logistics has doubtless prevented countless terror attacks simply by making the would be perpetrators too frustrated to do anything but give up and go home. If they can find a sidewalk that isn't blocked anyway, it will all be under the control of the Secret Service. Uh oh, the only branch of government that has shot its credibility WAD with both Republicans and Democrats, and it
is redolent of fighting the last war. But it does reduce the possibility of militia and other trumpest action during the certification. The problem is there's no way for Homeland Security to get inside the state legislatures, which would be willing to illegally short circuit an electoral college victory or a close one or a clear cut one, and do
so by any scheme they can dream up. And with the reminder that it took exactly one week from the main cultural message of the Trump campaign to go from liberals love their cats too much to liberals let immigrants eat your cats. There is this a website called news Guard. It mainlines back to Steve Brill, who has his blemishes, but who has always actually worried about the media being
accurate and purposeful. It has a reality check feature, and two of its writers, Sam Howard and Jack Brewster, have a really good postmortem on how the crackpot urban legend of immigrants eating cats in Springfield, Ohio went from this same internet neighborhood in which alligators not only occupy the subways of New York but actually operate the trains themselves.
From there, it jumped right to a presidential debate. While referring you to the site newsguardrealitycheck dot com let me Purloin a couple of graphs, NewsGuard identified and tracked down the two people central to the claim Erica Lee, the Springfield resident who wrote the original Facebook post, and Kimberly Newton, the neighbor who had provided her with a third hand account of the rumor, making Lee's social media post a
fourth hand account the alleged acquaintance cat owner Newton's friend Newton, and Lee who posted it on Facebook. Continuing in exclusive interviews, NewsGuard spoke both with Lee, a thirty five year old hardware store worker who has lived in Springfield for four years, and Newton her neighbor and a twelve year president of Springfield.
The interviews revealed just how flimsy and unsubstantiated the rumor was from the beginning, based entirely on third hand hearsay, yet it quickly gained traction and remarkably found its way to Trump's lips on a national stage. Quote. I'm not sure I'm the most credible source because I don't actually know the person who lost the cat, Newton said about the rumor she had passed on to her neighbor Lee,
the Facebook poster. Newton explained to NewsGuard that the cat owner was an acquaintance of a friend, and that she heard about the supposed incident from that friend, who in turn learned about it from quote a source that she had. Newton added, I don't have any proof. That adds up to three people with no firsthand knowledge of the allegedly victimized cat, Newton's friend Newton, and then her neighbor Lee. Or perhaps it's for people if we count the source
that Newton says her friend relied on. NewsGuard adds two postscripts. Ms Lee deleted the Facebook post because that always works, and then there's these sentences remarkable even for the Internet. Of twenty twenty four quote, Lee told us that she was shocked to see Trump repeat the claim that she had made in a private Facebook group. Honestly, it blew me away, Lee said, I didn't think that any of this would explode to the presidency. Lee described herself to
NewsGuard as a Democrat who supports Donald Trump. Uh, here we go. Yeah, when you write it up, make it sound really gross. I don't care. Whatever you like, Trump will jump all ay and tell them you're a You're a Democrat, a Democrat who supports Donald Trump. Also of interest here I mentioned earlier that the mask has come off the little worm who has most adroitly exploited Trump's
most rabid anti immigrant, anti Latino, anti humanity instincts. If you have not heard Stephen Miller actually being well eaten alive by an actual immigrant, a reporter from a television network from Colombia who only wanted to know why Miller and Trump believed the crime statistics promulgated by a crooked dictator like Maduro of Venezuela. If you haven't heard it,
well stand by for news. It was entered into the Worst Person's Competition, and I don't want to blow the suspense here or affect the gambling, but it did very, very well. That's next. This is Countdown.
This is Countdown with Keith Olberman.
Stell ahead of us on this edition of Countdown. There is nothing worse than listening to an author or a reporter, or a podcaster or other creator giving a play by play of their imagination and their creative process, unless they do so while you think you are merely reading or listening to their work. Such it is in this week's Fridays with Thurber. Only if you are warned will you notice that he is describing his process in the story of how an overheard remark could blossom into a self
satirical spy story coming up next. First, there are still more new idiots to talk about. The daily roundup of the miss Grants, morons and Dunning Kruger effects specimens who constitute two days worse persons in the world Lebron's Worst.
Sarah Iger of ABC News. Yes, the network did a great job at the debate, and yes it can also be simultaneously true that they still employ this idiot as an on air political analyst and commentator, even though she is actually just another Trump lawyer waiting to get back into power. We had one of those metaphysical right and wrong debates on social media. It was a variation on
the trolley track thing. This is about returning not the trolley, but the shopping cart at the supermarket parking lot, and how there's no emergency and there's no law that says you have to do it, and nobody's life depends on it. But whether or not you should return the cart anyway, just as a service to mankind, like picking up trash on the street while you're already bending over to tie your shoe or something. I'll spare you the whole debate.
It went on for days, but Sarah Iger was enraged by this, particularly by the conclusion that returning the supermarket cart is easy and it is a sign of being a good person. Not to Sarah Iger, I can't effing
stop thinking about the shopping cart. Theory goes the original post, and there are illustrations and there's a whole four paragraph explanation about how it's the right thing to do even though no one will catch you not doing it, And she retweeted it written by someone most likely a man who has never had two babies at the grocery store in the summer. You had your babies in the grocery store. I'm at the nailsalan, I'm at the grocery store. I'm
at the combination nail salana and grocery store. I'm sorry, I got sidetracked into a insta cart commercial written by someone most likely a man who has never had two babies at the grocery store in the summer. You can't carry both and push the cart. You can't leave them
in the car and return the cart. Well, Sarah Iger had backs and fourths with many others who insisted, you know what, they had somehow managed to put the cart back despite having two babies in arms at the supermarket, and they noted, how in the hell did you get your two kids out of your car and into the shopping cart in the first place if you found it physically impossible to get them out of the cart and into the car without leaving them in a hot car
for ninety minutes or however long it took you to put the shopping cart back. This exchange was then reposted by someone who noted the irony atop the idiocy here from Sarah i Isger's Wikipedia page quote. While serving in the Justice Department, i Isger represented the Trump administration by defending the family separation policy as well as Executive Order one three seven sixty nine, known as the Trump travel ban. Her job was to punish parents trying to keep their
babies with them. Punchline here. Sarah Iger deleted her post, but screenshots are forever and apparently her cushy job pretending to be neutral at ABC News is two. And we'll get back by the way to the Trump family separation policy in just a moment. But first, the runner up worser, Rachel campost Duffy, possibly the stupidest person on Fox News.
And remember Fox News not only has a Jesse Waters show, has two Jesse Waters shows, and it has two Greg Guttfeld shows, and Rachel Campos Duffy may still be dumber than both of them. Campos Duffy is like the backup weekend morning co host or something. And she just discovered a conspiracy because The New York Post wrote this, how come I didn't know Debate moderator Lindsey Davis was Kamala's
aka sorority sister till today. Not right. There's no way ABC would let a Trump fratbrow moderate last night's debate. How come you didn't know something because you're less informed than the average cat in Springfield, Ohio. Maybe also Trump fratbros moderating the debate, they would be against Trump. They went to school with him anyway. Kamala Harris is fifty nine years old, and she attended Howard University, where she was a member of a sorority called Alpha Kappa Alpha AKA.
She graduated in nineteen eighty six. Lindsey Davis of ABC News is forty six years old. She went to the University of Virginia, where she was in the sorority called Alpha Kappa Alpha, and she graduated in nineteen ninety nine.
So there is a vague link between them thirteen years and one hundred and twenty miles separated, of course, But saying that's somehow relevant to whether or not they should be debate moderator and debater this is crazier than saying that because I graduated from Cornell and took multiple classes in the Arts and Sciences College there before I graduated in nineteen seventy nine, I am automatically in a political conspiracy with somebody else who graduated from Cornell and took
multiple classes in the Arts and Sciences College there before I graduated or before she graduated in nineteen eighty four, and that person was a fellow alum of the university named Anne Culture. I don't think Ann Coulter and I are in a conspiracy just because we went to the same university, same sorority. My god, what world do you live in? By the way, Rachel Campost Duffy got her job after being on one of the last of those old MTV The Real World fake reality shows. One of
her co stars was a guy named Sean Duffy. She married him, he ran for Congress, and suddenly, after twenty years on the fringes of TV and tryout after tryout after tryout on the view, she got hired by Fox and she's on there every weekend. But it's Kamala Harris who's getting favors or or something because she was like in the same fraternity in a different century, or sorority or I don't know what it was. I'm totally lost
by what this woman thinks. The connection is between Lindsey Davis and Kamala Harris, how come you didn't know this, Rachel campost Duffy, because you're a moron. But our winner back to the family separation policy, Stephen Miller. You know Stephen Miller, He's the lack of brains behind Trump. If you wonder if Trump ever outsources his rage and racism and hatred and racism and rage and racism, wonder no more. If you have not seen this video, please look it up.
In the interim, I'm just going to play you the entire audio in which the journalist Jose Maria del Pino of NTN twenty four news channel in the Nation of Colombia, covering most of the Latin American world. He pressed Miller over these nonsense statistics that Trump spouted again at the debate that Venezuela has sent all its criminals to the United States, and here are the statistics to prove it.
Delpino had an inarguable point Trump and Miller, who is not only the tiny, bald, sweaty guy, but who is really nuts they are alt eying on and thus lending credibility to the Venezuelan governments. Statistics on crime under Venezuelan dictator Nicolas Maduro Now, why would anybody believe Nicholas Maduro, especially since Maduro claims to be not just a liberal but a socialist. Why would Trump and Stephen Miller be
supporting Nicholas Maduro. Miller nearly proved that spontaneous human combustion is real.
I mean, you've seen case after case these heartbreaking tragedies. Those ones are going to get found in deported farcy. And look at this, this Venezuelan gang. You have a Venezuelan gang that is taking over entire apartment buildings in Aurora, Colorado, and that's responsible, by the way, for some of the most heinous crimes that have happened all over the United States. The crime rate in Venezuela is down, I believe, a little bit over sixty percent over the last several years.
A trusting the official feear yours from the Venezuelan dictatorship.
Let's put it this way, if you're a dictator of a poor country with a high crime rate, wouldn't you send your criminals to our border?
That wasn't my question? Are you trusting the figures of the dictatorships? Those are my duo numbers.
Numbers I am believing that it is in the interest of a criminal dictator to let his criminals out of their jails and come to our country.
Have numbers, real numbers, not the vership numbers.
The Venezuelan gangs that you've seen the CCTV footage. I have question, who do you think answer me this?
I mean it's from Venezuela. I know very well the situation of Karakas and many other cities.
Tell me who were the people with the high powered rifles in the hallway of that department building?
Who were they?
They were guns from Venezuela, right, no American com But I was.
Asking to you about figures numbers.
Fuck to you is the facts are the dead bodies.
The facts are you said that Karaka has a lowest crime rate down the USA?
The facts are the mutilated bodies. The fact are the people in the marks that are dead.
I was asking you about Caracas and the numbers in Caragas. Are you trusting the numbers of the dator cp interest in the fact.
That Kamala Harris is the legal immigrants into this country who are raping and murdering children.
I had been very respective, Why are you doing?
Do you know who Joscelyn hunger is Do you know who she is?
Do you know how many people who is experiencing bo is?
She? Who is? Lake?
And Riley? Who?
Inning again?
Because I'm yelling because children are being raped and murs.
Just asking for figures and you have no reply to me about those figures murdered?
Do you know who killer?
Hen?
You trust the numbers of Nicolas Mada? You're asking a game.
Trust a ruthless dictator will empty his prisons and send their criminals to our country. To trust his numbers. The most dangerous gang in Venezuela is trusting Conas Malrudo. I trust that he does not want his criminals.
To be so you believe in his numbers.
I believe he's sending his criminals to our country.
Do you think that the crime braid in Venezuela have degrees?
Not believe the law enforcement reports of Venezuelan gangs in this country?
I was asking for the Venezuela and government figures.
The figures here are Venezuelan gangs in this country or not?
Yes?
Or no?
Yes?
Are the figures that you say to say that in Karraccas the number is slower than near.
The USA Venezuelan gangs in this country or not. So you don't have numbers are venezuel You know who has numbers, the Department of Homeland Security. You can ask my orchest for numbers. You can ask the director Ray for the numbers. I'm telling you.
You said you think that in Venezuela the crime rate is lower than the USA. Yes, because what are your numbers?
That's my question, because the criminals are here now, those area's numbers can tell you again the border patrol agents are encountering foul number. I trust the border agents in our country and I.
Am not saying that has a lower crime rate.
Children are dead, and you are wasting my tiel.
I am not your thing. I'm asking for Fahni as a journalist.
Do you have any remorse for the dead children?
Do you care all about the dead children?
Absolutely?
The And that's what I want to leave.
You with is that Donald Trump will quest for figures.
Here's what's gonna happen.
Donald Trump is going to be elected president and the migrant gangs are going to be sent home. Children's lives will be saved, and you know wh will benefit the most are the working class Hispanic communities that are besieged by gang violences. So the schools that are being overtaken by migrant gangs. You have Emas thirteen that is brutalizing children. You have Kayla Hamilton, who is twenty year old autistic girl who was raped and.
Murdered, beaten to death.
That will end, That will stop, and our children's lives will be saved. That is the most virtuous thing that can possibly be done. We are going to save the lives of our children. We will not let Kamala Harris condemn them to a life of misery, suffering and death.
Thank you. I'm to replay my question, Stephen, I trust Nicholas Maduro Miller exited stage right. I know someone who went to high school with Stephen Miller in California who insists that Miller's blind, raging hatred of Hispanics. He's the border guy, the deportation guy, the iago behind Trump on this particular topic. And we just heard him in full irrational, moronic rage, self contradictory rage. We just heard it. We just got the peak behind the curtain to this worm Miller.
My friend or swears that Miller's hatred of Hispanics originated when a girl of Mexican heritage in their high school turned Miller down for a date. Swears that's the backstory, the whole backstory. That's what all of this is about. Any Who, Stephen, oh my god, you just got owned by a guy named Jose Maria del Pino. Miller two Day's worst person in the world to the number one story on the Countdown, and it is Fridays with Thurber. And thus the number one story on the Countdown is
Fridays with James Thurber. Many of the great writers, great stories, the short stories, the fables, have great meaning or symbolism, and some of them are just great fun. Let me give you one of the latter from the Thurber Carnival. It will explain itself fairly quickly. The Lady on one four to two by James Thurber. The train was twenty minutes late, we found out when we bought our tickets. So we sat down on a bench in the little waiting room of the Cornwall Bridge station. It was too
hot outside in the sun. This Midsummer Saturday had got off to a sulky start, and now at three in the afternoon it sat sticky and restive in our laps There were several others beside Sylvia and myself, waiting for the train to get in from Pittsfield. An older woman who fanned herself with a daily news, a young lady in her twenties reading a book, A slender, tanned man
sucking dreamily on the stem of an unlighted pipe. In the center of the room, leaning against a high iron radiator, A small girl stared at each of us in turn, her mouth open, as if she had never seen people before. The place had the familiar pleasant smell of railroad stations in the country, of something compounded of wood and leather and smoke. In the cramped space behind the ticket window, a telegraph instrument clicked intermittently, and once or twice a
phone rang, and the station master answered it briefly. I couldn't hear what he said. I was glad on such a day that we were going only as far as Gaylordsville. The third stopped down the line, twenty two minutes away. The station master had told us that our tickets were
the first tickets to Gaylordsville he'd ever old. I was idly pondering this small distinction when a train whistle blew in the distance We all got to our feet, but the station master came out of his cubby hole and told us it was not our train, but the twelve forty five from New York northbound. Presently, the train thundered in like a hurricane and sighed ponderously to a stop. The station master went out into the platform and came back. After a minute or two. The train got heavily underway
again for Canaan. I was opening a pack of cigarettes when I heard the station master talking on the phone again. This time his words came out clearly. He kept repeating one sentence. He was saying, Conductor Reagan on one four to two. As the lady the office was talking about. The person on the other end of the line did not appear to get the meaning of the sentence. The station master repeated it and hung up. For some reason.
I figured that he did not understand it either. Sylvia's eyes had the lost reflective look they wear when she's trying to remember in what box she packed the Christmas tree ornaments. The expressions on the faces of the older woman, the young lady, and the man with the pipe had not changed. The little staring girl had gone away. Our train was not due for another five minutes, and I sat back and began trying to reconstruct the lady on one four to two the lady conductor Reagan had the
lady the office was asking about. I moved nearer to Sylvia and whispered, see if the trains are numbered in your timetable. She got the timetable out of her handbag and looked at it. One forty two, she said, is the twelve forty five from New York. This was the train that had gone by a few minutes before. The woman was taken sick, said Sylvia. They're probably arranging to have a doctor or her family meet her. The older woman looked around at her briefly. The young woman who
had been chewing gum stopped chewing. The man with the pipe seemed oblivious. I lighted a cigarette and sat thinking the woman on one four to two. I said to Sylvia flatly, might be almost anything, but she is definitely not sick. The only person who did not stare at me was the man with the pipe. Sylvia gave me her temperature, taking look across between anxiety and vexation. Just
then our train whistled and we all stood up. I picked up our two bags, and Sylvia took the sack of string beans we had picked up for the connals. When the train came clanking in, I said in Sylvia's ear, he'll sit near us. You watch hoo. Who will she said the stranger? I told her, the man with the pipe. Sylvia laughed, he's not She said, he works for the breeds. I was certainly that he did not work for the breeds. Women like to place people. Every stranger reminds him of somebody.
The man with the pipe was sitting three seats in front of us, across the aisle. When we got settled, I indicated him with a nod of my head. Sylvia took a book out of the top of her overnight bag and opened it. What's the matter with you, she demanded. I looked around before replying. A sleepy man and women sat across from us. Two middle aged women in the seat in front of us were discussing the severe griping pain one of them had experienced as a result of
inflamed diverticulitis. A slim, dark eyed young woman sat in the seat behind us. She was alone. The trouble with women, I began, is that they explain everything by illness. I have a theory that we could be celebrating the twelfth of May, or even the sixteenth of April as Independence Day if missus Jefferson hadn't got the idea. Her husband had a fever and put him to bed. Sylvia found her place in the book. We've been all through that before. She said, why couldn't the woman on one for two
be sick? That was easy, I told her. Conductor Reagan, I said, got off the train at Cornwall Bridge and spoke to the station master. I've got the woman the office was asking about, he said. Sylvia cut in. He said, Lady I gave the little laugh that annoys her. All conductors, say, lady, I explained, Now, if a woman had got sick on the train, Reagan would have said, a woman got sick on my train. Tell the office. What must have happened is that Reagan found somewhere between Kent and Cornwall Bridge
a woman the office had been looking for. Sylvia did not close her book, but she looked up. Maybe she got sick before she got on the train, and the office was worried, said Sylvia. She was not giving the problem close attention. If the office knew she got on the train, I said, patiently. They wouldn't have asked Reagan to let them know if he found her. They would have told him about her when she got on. Sylvia resumed her reading. Let's stay out of it, she said,
it isn't any of our business. I hunted for my chicklets but couldn't find them. It might be everybody's business, I said, every Patriots I know. I know, said Sylvia. You think she's a spy, Well, I think she's sick. I ignored that every conductor on the line has been asked to look out for her. Said Reagan found her, she won't be met by her family. She'll be met by the FBI or the OPA, said Sylvia. Alfred Hitchcock. Things don't happen on the New York, New Haven and
Hartford Railroad. I saw the conductor coming from the other end of the couch. I'm going to tell the conductor, I said that Reagan on one four to two has got the woman. No you're not, said Sylvia. You're not going to get us in mixed up in this. He probably knows. Anyway. The conductor, short, stocky, silver haired, and silent, took up our tickets. He looked like a kindly Icky's Sylvia, who had stiffened, relaxed when I let him go by without a word about the woman on one four to two.
He looks exactly as if he knew where the Maltese falcon is hidden, doesn't, he said Sylvia, with the laugh that annoys me. Nevertheless, I pointed out you said a little while ago that he probably knows about the woman on one four two. If she's just sick, why should they tell the conductor on this train. I'll rest more easily when I know that they've actually got her. Sylvia kept reading as if she hadn't heard me. I leaned my head against the back of the seat and closed
my eyes. The train was slowing down noisily, and a brakeman was yelling can't, can't. When I felt a small cold pressure against my shoulder. Oh, the voice of the woman in the seat behind me said, I've dropped my copy of Coronet under your seat. She leaned closer, and her voice became low and hard. Get off here, mister, she said. We're going to Gaylordsville. I said, you and your wife are getting off here, mister, she said. I reached for the suitcases on the rack. Why do you
want for heaven's sake, asked Sylvia. We're getting off here. I told her, are you really crazy? She demanded, This is only can't come on, sister, said the woman's voice. You take the overnight bag and the beans. You take the big bag. Mister. Sylvia was furious. I knew you'd get us into this, she said to me, shouting about spies at the top of your voice. That made me angry. You're the one who mentioned spies. I told her, I didn't. You kept talking about it and talking about it, said Sylvia,
Come on, get off. The two of you, said the cold, hard voice. We got off. As I helped Sylvia down the steps, I said, we know too much. I'll shut up. She said. We didn't have far to go. A big black limousine waited a few steps away. Behind the wheel sat a heavy set foreigner with cruel lips and small eyes. He scowled when he saw us. The boss don't want nobody up there, he said, it's all right, Carl said, the woman get in, She told us. We climbed into the back seat. She sat between us with the gun
in her hand. It was a handsome jeweled derringer. Alice'll be waiting for us at Gaylord's Belle, said Sylvia. In all this heat. The house was a long, low, rambling building reached at the end of a poplar lined drive. Never mind the bags, said the woman. Sylvia took the string beans and her book and we got out. Two huge matstiffs came bounding off the terrace, snarling. Down Mada, said the woman. Down pedro They slunk away, still snarling. Sylvia and I sat side by side on a sofa
in a large, handsomely appointed living room. Across from us, in a chair lounged a tall man with heavily lidded black eyes and long sensitive fingers. Against the door through which we had entered the room leaned a thin, undersized young man with his hands in the pockets of his coat and a cigarette hanging from his lower lip. He had a drawn, sallow face, and his small, half closed eyes stared at us incuriously. In a corner of the room, a squat, swarthy man twiddled with the dials of a radio.
The woman paced up and down, smoking a cigarette in a long holder. Well Gail, said the lounging man in a soft voice. To what do we owe this unexpected visit? Gail kept pacing. They got Sandra, she said. Finally, the lounging man did not change expression. Who got Sandra, Gail? He asked softly. Reagan on one four to two, said Gail. The squat swarthy man jumped to his feet all the time. Egypt say kill the Reagan. He shouted all the time, Egypt say bomb off thiss Reagan. The lounging man did
not look at him. Sit down, Egypt, he said quietly. The swarthy man sat down. Gail went on talking. The punk here shot off his mouth. He said, he was wise. I looked at the man leaning against the door. She means you, said Sylvia, who laughed, Dame was dumb. Gail went on. She thought the lady on the train was sick. Now, I laughed, she means you, I said to Sylvia. The punk was blowing his top all over the train, said Gail. I had to bring him along. Sylvia, who had the
beans on her lap, began breaking and stringing them. Well, my dear lady, said the lounging man. A most homely little touch. What's a touch? Demanded Egypt, touch, I told him. Gail, sat down in a chair. Who's going to rub him out? She asked. Freday said the lounging man. Egypt was on his feet again. Nah nah, he shouted, not the punk, the punk bump off the last six seven people. The lounging man looked at him. Egypt paled and sat down. I thought you were the punk, said Sylvia. I looked
at her coldly. I know where I have seen you before, I said to the lounging man. It was at Zagreb in nineteen twenty seven. Tilden took you in straight sets, six loves, six love, six love. The man's eyes glittered. I think I bump off this man myself, he said. Freddy walked over and handed the lounging man an automatic. At this moment, the door Freddy had been leaning against burst open, and in rushed the man with the pipe, shouting, Dail, Dail,
Gail Gaylordsville. Gaylordsville bawled the brakeman. Sylvia was shaking me by the arm. Quit mouaning, she said, everybody's looking at you. I rubbed my forehead with a handkerchief. Hurry up, she said. Sylvia said, they don't stop here long. I pulled the bags down and we got off. Have you got the beans? I asked Sylvia. Alice Connell was waiting for us on the way to their home. In the car, Sylvia began to tell Alice about the woman on one four to two.
I didn't say anything. He thought she was a spy, said Sylvia. They both laughed. She'll probably got sick on the train, said Alice. They would probably be arranging for a doctor to meet her at the station. That's just what I told him, said Sylvia. I lighted a cigarette. The lady one four to two, I said firmly, was definitely not sick. Oh Lord, said Sylvia. Here we go again, the lady on one four to two by James Thurber.
I've done all the damage I can do here, nearly as much as Stephen Miller did to himself and Trump. It was a good week. Thank you for listening. We're now back to five episodes a week, posting nightly just after midnight Eastern and on YouTube. By now I find out it's five am. Once again, there is now a Monday Countdown. Ryan Ray and John Phillip Shonell, the musical directors, have Countdown Arrange, produced and performed most of our music.
Mister Chanelle was the one handling the orchestration and the keyboards. Mister Ray was on the guitars, bass and drums, and it was produced by Tko Brothers. Our satirical and pithy musical comments are by the best baseball stadium organist ever, Nancy Faust. Of course, the sports music is the Old wrooman theme from ESPN two, written by Mitch Warren Davis courtesy of ESPN Inc. Other music arranged and performed by the group No Horns Allowed. My announcer today was my
friend Larry David. Everything else was pretty much my fault. So that's countdown for this, the fifty fourth day until the twenty twenty fourth presidential election, the one three hundred and fortieth day since the convicted felon dementia J Trump's first attempted coup against the democratically elected government of the United States. Use the election, use the mental health system, use presidential immunity if we have to to keep him from doing it again while we still God. It's a
nail salon, it's a grocery store. It's a combination nail salon im grocery store. The next scheduled Countdown is Monday bulletins as the news requires till then. I'm keith Oldrimman. I don't know why that's stuck in my head. I'm keith Oldrimman. Good morning, good afternoon, good night, and good luck. Countdown with keith Oldreman is a production of iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.