Appalachian Magick & Mysteries

So let's just talk about life a little bit. How about that. Let's just talk about life a little bit. We're friends, right, we can have these conversations together. My baby is already four months old. I can't even believe it. I am thoroughly enjoying each stage of his development. I know I'm supposed to be like, oh no, my baby's getting bigger and pretty soon he won't be a baby anymore. Ah. I know, like that's what I'm supposed to be like.

But I will tell you something straight up. I took lots and lots of newborn pictures and it's a sweet and a gentle time that I will cherish forever. But y'all are fucking crazy to want to have a little newborn suspended in time forever. Fucking nuts. Let me tell you something. My baby never had like that little useless newborn body that's all like scrunched up in adorable. My baby came out of the utero, lifting his head up, looking around. Within fucking hours of being out of the vagina,

still had some crusty puss juice on his forehead. He's looking around, kicking his legs, stretching his arms. Wasn't long before he was trying to fucking stand up and hold his own bottle and shit, maybe like a week or two. He loves to practice standing, and lucky for us, he also had and probably still has a horrible colic, horrible horrible colic, okay, and gas and shit. So if he wasn't sleeping, he was screaming at the top of his lungs,

and it just felt like it never never stopped. Okay, Plus on top of that, even though I knew he was a super strong baby, I was just scared to death that I was gonna hurt him in some way, Like, am I holding his head right? Is the bathtub water too hot? Am I doing this? Am I doing that? Had to change his formula like five or six times? He cried every two hours on the fucking dot all night long. I felt like I was at death's door literally,

like the last three months. It's just now starting to feel a little bit more manageable with the sleep and eat schedule and shit.

to do. Nervous break down if he cannot. I mean, it's just I can tell he's trying so hard to accomplish the simplest of little tasks and if he's having our time with it or if he can't, total fucking nervous breakdown. So you know, maybe I'm just a weirdo because I don't want my baby to stay in newborn forever. I love seeing him develop and acquire new skills and because and his personality come out a little bit more every day. Love it. I love it. But yes, baby

is thriving. I'm surviving. If anybody gives a shit, taints all healed up as far as I know, But I still got like some other weird stuff lingering around. We're friends, like I said, So I'm just gonna tell you straight up, it's like I'm un understanding many things as I progress through the motherhood journey. Okay, Like you ever see a couple and maybe they're your friends or something, and you're like friend, couple friends, you know, and you're like, how

the hell did Mike and Tammy end up together? This might be a private conversation you have with your husband after you guys get done bowling or whatever it is you guys do, and you ad and you're looking at your husband and you're like, how the fuck did Mike

and Tammy end up together? Mike's like a solid nine and Tammy is a four on a good day, Like how And then you realize, or at least I am right now, but Tammy done pumped out four kids for Mike right and Tammy started out, uh, fucking bombshell ass fucking miss Usa looking tight bitch, and then babies happened. Okay, Like at some point you think it would have or it should have occurred to me, like, oh fuck, my husband is gonna stay hot and I'm gonna look like.

definitely shouldn't be. I got like the mom fat arm thing going on, and I look over at my husband and I'm like, oh fuck, I'm tammy.

on the treadmill. He's just dropping weight like that, just dropping wait, super fast, just gets off the treadmill, glistening and shit, little sexy sweat beat action going on. Meanwhile, back on the ranch, Remember the last time I shaved my legs, ass clipped my toenails, a half bald skin just fucking rocked. I eat a fucking string cheese my belly and flates like a fucking pull floatye uh, And it's like, ah fuck, I'm not one of those Facebook TikTok moms that has ten babies and just went right

back to wearing their old pants and shit. I had to get a whole new wardrobe up in this bitch, right, including shoes. My fucking feet grew. Okay, I'm not. You know, there's just some kinds of freaks and nature moms out there that can just pump out five kids and still wear a two piece to the pool in summertime. Nah, okay, Nah not I okay, I've had one one o n E one, literally one, and my body's already giving like fat adele vibes, like pre ozimbic adele vibes from a one. Right.

And I'll just be honest with you guys out there, if you're a male listener, maybe your wife feels the way I do. My husband thinks I have body dysmorphia disorder. Well that might be true. I don't know if it is or not, but it don't change the fuck the fact that I feel like I look like shit. Okay, so body dysmorphia are not men? Male listeners out there, You got a wife, she kind of feels like I do. Maybe she's had a few kids. Do this for me, Do this for the old peature. Would you deflated titties,

flat ass? Whatever she got going on, she got the saggy belly, Go up behind her, kiss her on the neck, Tell her she's the most beautiful creature you've ever seen. You know. Maybe maybe squeeze her a little deflated titty, all right, Slap her a little flat, flabby ass, you know, make her feel desirable, make her feel like she's the

most beautiful creature that ever walked the earth. Maybe she's like me, and you'd go up behind her, you kiss her, you squeeze her a little flat titty, and she's like, ew, get off me. What the fuck? Because that's the kind of reaction I have, Because let's be honest with each other. I'm so disgusted with myself that I cannot believe anybody would want to come upon me and squeeze me my

fucking deflated titty or slap my flabby ass. So just give her the grace if she has a reaction like I would, just give her the grace that she's going through some shit and just make her feel special. Valentine's Day is right around the corner. It's never too soon to squeeze your wife's flabby titty and smack her flat ass. It's never too soon or whatever she's got. You know, women come in all shapes and sizes, whatever maladies she

thinks that she has or has or whatever. Just be sweet and kind and gentle, because I will tell you I'm not a feminist, but we deserve it. Okay, we're hard enough on ourselves already. We're our own worst enemy, our own worst critic. And sometimes it's nice to just have your husband come behind you, give you a little kiss on the neck, squeeze you, you know, jiggle your little flat titties around, and just make you feel desirable. Okay, that's that's all you can ask for for Valentine's Day.

But anyways, in the stillness of the quiet evenings with my baby though, you know, while my husband is just off being a hot guy somewhere at work and I'm sitting here with my flabby titties, my baby. I look into my baby's eyes and his little, perfect smiling face, and I wouldn't change anything. Okay, I can already tell he's gonna be a super handsome little dude like his daddy. Maybe got a big mouth like his mama. He's got the blue eyes and everything. And it occurred to me

that he loves me un conditionally. He loves me stretch marks and all bald spots, saggy titties, whatever. This baby looks at me like I am the greatest human being alive, and it is just pure love. And what an incredible blessing it is to have that. And I'm really learning a lot from him. He's he is a very wise, very wise little boy, little shaman baby, and you know, I am. I know that sounds retarded, but I'm learning a lot from him. I am motherhood in general, you know,

coming around to surrendering to motherhood. Uh, it's changed literally every single fragment of my identity. And I'm starting to realize that's okay. We're not moving backwards to something that used to exist in the past. We're moving forward. And it's a completely uncharted territory that we're moving into, and I'm starting to realize that's okay, you know, because what I'm getting in return is so much more magnificent than

I can even describe. I love being a mother, but it also makes me even more hyper vigilant and sensitive to what is going on with kids in the world right now. And you know, I think I've said this before, but I have and have always had such a passion for exposing the truth about child's sex trafficking, you know,

child sex crimes and all that shit. Okay, but it hits very, very different having my own Okay, Yes, I know, I'm one person and there's only so much I can do, but I do not want to go down with a guilty conscience knowing I knew about all this shit, researched all this shit, and never did my part to bring any sort of awareness all those nameless, faceless babies out there getting raped, murdered, trafficked and mutilated as we speak, right, and yet it's a topic people cringe at the thought

of of avoid even you know, if possible, they won't even bring it up. Okay, if I had a dollar for every time I heard, oh, I just can't. That stuff gives me nightmares. What do you think the kids are having that are going through this stuff? You think they go to sleep at night and dream of puppies

and shit? Probably not sorry to disturb your peace in your nice, peaceful sleep, all cozy, snuggled up on your temper petic, But there's some babies out there right now as you're listening to this, getting train ran on right in their bee hole by disgusting hairy old dudes with saggy gross balls, probably a politician you voted for that you think is so wonderful. Okay, it just putrifies my stomach thinking about it, But that's, you know, another episode.

I promised we wouldn't talk about be whole rape today, but I just had to get that little bit out of my system. So let's just get to the topic of the hour, shall we, Now that we've got our little therapy session out of the way. And you know, I love you guys. We're all besties out here, and if you can't be honest with your besties, who the fuck are you gonna be honest with? So let's go ahead and move on right the topic of the hour.

So I've kind of mentioned in the Mystery Crotched Me episode that I lived in Kentucky for most of my childhood, and my mom's side of the family, which is really my only side of the family, is all born and bred Kentuckians. My MoMA and popall talked about as flat as it comes. Their accents were so thick it was like another language almost. I would even have to ask my mom what some words and shit meant, Like my

popa was on par with Boomhower. Just so flat and so thick was the accent you needed like special kind of ears to understand that shit. Sometimes and my family's says, this is my family, Okay, they say that I have a hybrid accent, because yes, I grew up in Kentucky and most of my family has beautiful Southern draws. But I also spent a lot of time in Ohio and they have their own entire whole different accent going on. So maybe I have a hybrid. I don't know. This

is besides the point though. Oh and by the way, just so you know, I don't think I have an accent at all, So there's that. But you know, actually, there are moments when my husband tries to correct words that I say, and I realized I might be pretty fucked up. Okay, apparently I say family or wrong, and I don't even know how the fuck outse to say it for me, something's familiar to you, How the fuck

euse do you say that it's familiar familiar? Anyways, Anyways, so I grew up listening and being completely fascinated by all these stories of where my grandparents grew up right directly in the heart of the Appalachian Mountains, in what they called a haller no running water, no electricities, just dirt floors and like little squalor type shacks and uh my grandpa worked in the coal mines and they literally had no shoes for the kids sometimes and barely anything

to eat, which is why they moved north through Ohio for like better opportunities and shit. But they brought with them all these stories of paranorm supernatural, almost witchy encounters. Some of the shit was downright terrifying, and apparently Appalachian witch magic and all types of fucking cryptids and creatures are common knowledge to some people. All of Appalachia, not

just Kentucky obviously, is filled with these stories. But personally I can remember being really little and hearing stories of what sounded like some dog man type stuff running rampant through the mountains. And my great grandpa Troy was apparently some kind of a healer on some kind of like Appalachian witch doctor type shit, and he would whisper some kind kind of little chant and lay hands on you

and whatever was wrong with you would be healed. And so some of the practices I've been researching.

this stuff. And I'm going to spare you the details on each and every cryptid said to lurk within the Appellation Mountains because some of this that some of the ship is just silly, all right, it's just silly. I host a conspiracy theory podcast. Yeah, some of this ship is just silly. Sorry it is. You want to listen to a crypto podcast so you can go find them there out there. But this, this is the realness right here, This is the real shit. And that's why you listen

to my podcast. We're gonna skip all the silly cattawompissing and get straight to the biscuits and gravy. I want to talk about the real stuff. I want to talk about the magic. I want to talk about things that have been documented, things that are compelling. And we're just gonna get right into it. By the way, Appalachia's wasn't

that like Prince's wife's name Appalachia? Anyways? The Appalachian Mountains host numerous weird sightings from mysterious brown mountain lights, glowing orbs as they say, to cryptids like mothman bigfoot like creatures, alongside reports of unexplained phenomenon like strange noises, figures with bark like skin, disembodied voices, and these are often linked

to local folklore. In the region's ancient mysterious geography, Hikers on the Appalachian Trail frequently report encounters with glowing eyes, shadowy figures, or even being lifted, while local legends mention curses and encounters with other worldly beings. Now, this is why we're here. This is what we're going to get into today. So the area I'm referring to, Appalaysia is where is it? It is a mountain range that reaches from Alabama to Pennsylvania, as well as the surrounding area

you know, where people live and shit. But the mountains themselves are believed to be four hundred and eighty million years old. And according to this one article I read, that's older than the supposed rings of Saturn if you believe in that shit. But it is also older than trees, like literally, like the entire species of trees. That's how old these mountains are. So if you pass through them, maybe on the famous Appalachian Trail, you may feel the

Earth's ancientness. They're older than we can reasonably wrap our heads around, and maybe that's why there's so much that happens there that people just cannot explain. Those are the stories and warnings that have been passed on for generations, and that is why we are here today. But before we move on, only those cosmic peach listeners true of heart may continue beyond this point. Oh yeah, we're just getting to the good part.