I’ve Got LICE!

Music. Well, howdy, y'all, and welcome back to Corks and Cowtown.

We missed you. I'm back with the official co-host, cheese lover and scallywag. The monogonal scallywag. The original scallywag. My favorite scallywag, Monica. So we're happy to be back. Yes. Shit obviously took a turn last year. Yeah, I think we made lots of promises for...

That we did not deliver on. did not deliver on shit took a turn basically immediately after the last episode yeah life got busy very busy yeah it's been a lot of changes so got engaged got married had a honeymoon live in kansas the majority of the time which i don't like no i mean i don't either but the only thing i like up there is my husband so yeah that's basically it and there's a cat now too. We'll get into it later.

Yeah. I never thought I'd be a cat person. Cat distribution. Yeah. The system works. So, yeah, I feel like I think this episode we decided we're going to do like a recap. Yeah. Of kind of what the hell's been going on. Yeah. And then that way we can how we just missed you guys. I know. It's so weird. And also there's just so much to cover. I know.

There's a lot. Well, let's start with the engagement, because the last thing that happened last year was the derby event that was like so fun we kind of recapped the derby event and then we just went literal radio silent after that and you deliberately did not tell me about Hans proposing because I know and I feel so bad because every single time I'm like referencing something about the engagement you're like I don't even know what you're talking yeah I wasn't there,

Okay, so I guess we can just go right into it with that is the engagement. So got engaged on May 20th, which also happens to be so many of my friends' birthdays. So obviously whenever Hans and I met...

We basically like knew and I didn't divulge all this obviously early on the podcast because I wanted to make sure yeah but we basically knew as soon as we met we're like this is it we're getting married like this is my person which I never truly like believed was like a thing until it happened yeah so we were just basically obsessed with each other and we basically planned the wedding before we were engaged I think it was in March he was asking y'all for like rings and stuff.

So, you know, just normal things. Also, it feels very nice to have someone like that confident and that obsessed with you. I'm not going to lie. Like, it's a whole new world and everyone at least knows what I'm talking about because I have talked about all my treacherous and tragic dating life prior to him coming into my life. Yeah. You're the reason why if anything ever happened to my husband, I'll be a single cat lady for the rest of my life. And I don't have But I will. Yeah.

It's going to be. It'll be the third will. Well, it's your turn now. It'll be your turn. So, yeah. So anyways, we basically like planned the wedding. So I'll just get into is like the all I knew is like I had an idea of when the proposal was going to happen. Yeah.

Because he said he was going to take me to Colorado. First of all, he didn't tell me Colorado, but I like got it out of him eventually. Yeah. So I knew we were going to go to Colorado. Kansas, where he lives, is six hours away. And I was supposed to meet him up there so then we could ride together. I'm in the middle of getting save the dates together for the wedding. And I also happen to start my period, which is like the worst one I've ever

had in my entire life. Yeah. And I am physically dying on the inside. Like there's a battle going on inside my body and the goal is death. Yeah. And so I'm having the worst day of my life. Nothing's going right. I feel like shit. I can't eat. I can't drink. And now I'm supposed to get in the car and drive six hours. Yeah. To go meet him. Yeah. So I'm being through Oklahoma, which is worse. Literally. Like, have you been on Oklahoma roads? Yeah. They're a nightmare. So I'm like...

Maybe being slightly dramatic. And I'm like, I'm not coming. And he's like, I need you here by like seven. And I'm like, I just I'm not going to make any promises. I don't know what I can do. Yeah. And he's just like, I'd really like you to be here by seven. So that way we can go to eat before we get ready for bed and get up early in the morning. And I'm like, oh, whatever. Like, at this point, I'm so annoyed with just everything and him.

So you're just being a tyrant? I'm literally being like a full-blown maniac. Oh, my God. And thank God. And part of the reason why I know that, like, he loves me so much is, like, none of this makes him even flinch. Yeah. He is so unfazed by my crazy. Yeah. Which typically, I would say I don't feel like I'm that crazy, but like, I don't know what it is because I love him so much that I just let it loose. Yeah. Which is terrifying. When you love somebody and you're comfortable around them.

Yeah. And I just am like, I will say and do the most insane things. And he's just like, okay. Unfazed. Unfazed. So anyways, so finally, I'm speeding. You know, I finally get like 30 minutes. And he's like, meet me at the farmhouse. So where they live in Kansas, or where I live in Kansas now, I mean, there's nothing. It's a town of like 800 people or less. So it's not like there's a lot of options to do things. Lots of options. Yeah. I was like, the lot. Yeah.

The like, there's two restaurants in a town 30 minutes away. And I'm like, great. So I'm like literally in sweats. I have my hair up in a bun. No makeup. Nothing. I'm just surviving at this point. You should fit in, though, right? One million percent. I'm still the best-looking one there. So, and that says a lot for me because I don't talk like that. But... I'm just dying on the inside. So finally, I, like, get to the farmhouse, and he's there, and he, like, is greeting me.

And he's like, hey, he's like, how are you? And I'm like, get out of my way. I have to use the restroom. Because, like, how dare I stop on the way and use a public toilet? Like, absolutely not. I can't do that. So the farmhouse is, like, literally from, like, the early 1900s, and there's one bathroom. Is it inside? Yes, surprisingly.

So, you know, go to the bathroom and I'm like, OK, I need to do like one post for work and then I'm ready to like, you know, go eat, go to bed because I am before literally one million percent. So I'm like losing my mind. So I go do my post and I'm waiting and he had gone upstairs and I'm like, what is he doing upstairs? He has been upstairs for so long. And I'm like, this is ridiculous. I haven't eaten all day. I just drove six hours here.

And he always calls me Ricky Bobby because he's just like, how did you get here in like five hours and 50 minutes? It was supposed to take six and a half hours. And I'm like, listen, don't ask questions you don't want the answer to. Just let it happen. So I'm obviously downstairs being a terror. And I'm like, what are you doing? What are we waiting on?

Like feed me and then take me like to bed in a way well that just sounds weird but you know, I want to go to bed I want to sleep I want to sleep and it would probably be best if you weren't there and so I'm just like okay whatever so the one pet peeve I have about Hans is he's always late oh yeah literally always late he was yeah well yeah we'll get into that so i'm like i'm here on time why aren't you doing your part like you said to be here i'm

here let's go so finally he comes downstairs and he's like okay he's like well did you want to like change or anything and i'm like excuse me why would i change whenever we're going to prep i said who am i dressing up for? Why are my sweats, these are nice sweats, these sweats aren't good enough for the people of Pratt, Kansas? Like, be for real. Like, I'm fine. And he's like, okay. And just obviously unfazed. So then we get in the truck and we go the wrong way from Pratt.

And I'm like, what are we doing? He's like, oh, well, dad wanted me to check this field real fast because it's like about to be like wheat harvest. And I know way too much about farming now. So I'm like, okay, so another detour that's going to take even longer. So he's like driving for like 30 minutes to these two wheat fields. And I'm like, what are you doing? And he's like, well, I'm checking the fields. I'm like, you're not even out there. Like, you're just looking at them.

I'm like, what are you looking for? So I'm being dramatic passenger princess, just looking out the window, curled up in the fetal position. And I'm like, take me to eat something. I haven't eaten all day.

I'm thirsty. like I'm literally being an absolute nightmare like absolute nightmare so then we finally get on the road and headed to Pratt and I'm like oh thank god and so I'm like kind of starting to relax and he's like oh I forgot to turn the water off at the house and I'm like another detour so the whole thing was obviously since we knew we're getting married he bought us a house up there and It's a little fixer upper and it's like a little two bedroom, one bath.

But like we can fix it, you know, like whatever. And so I'm like, where would the water be on? Like you got a sprinkler? Like, what are you talking about? Like, why is the water on? And I'm like, whatever, I don't care. Just like go turn the water off. So he pulls up to the shed and there's this little like walkway. He's like, will you? He's like, I want to show you this little area that you could use for your garden.

I was like, I don't care about that right now. Like, I could care less about my imaginary garden I'm going to have one day. I want to go eat. He's like, Robin, please get out of the truck and come look at this. And I'm like, ugh. So not to mention his dog, Willow. Yeah. Willow is a 20-pound mini golden doodle who's an absolute, like, she works for ISIS. Like, she is an absolute terror. She's a menace to society. Like, she is a problem. Yeah.

Before any type of major anything, her favorite activity is to be sprayed by a skunk. Favorite activity. And I'm just like, Cammie and Blue would never. Like, they would never. And it's just one of those things whenever you've had like your own dog, you're like, my dog is clearly superior. Yeah. My dog would never do any of this. Like this such mediocre, low level activity, like dealing with a skunk. And I'm just like so annoyed. And so Willow's already in the truck.

She smells like a skunk. And she gets out and she starts running around and she's. And like there's something about little dogs and they're like barking i'm like and he loves this dog and i've always told been able to tell like he'd be such a good just like he's just a good human by the way he treats the dog yeah i can't stand this dog me and willow beef all the time yeah, And so we're walking down this path. Willow's borking, you know, like just bork, bork, bork, whatever.

And we're walking and Hans like stops and kind of waits for me. And I'm just throwing my head back like, oh, why am I walking right now? Like I want to be in the fetal position, horizontal, like with a blankie. And so we're walking, walking, walking. And all of a sudden, like the kind of area, like this path opens up and I see a sign. And it says like, Robin, will you marry me? Oh. And there's like deer shed, like these two deer sheds and like the ring sitting on one of the antlers.

And I'm like, wow, this is not what I pictured at all. You did not say that out loud. No, no, no, no. This is in my head. But I'm thinking, I'm like, why, what's the point of the trip to Colorado? I thought he was proposing in Colorado. Yeah. So I'm trying to process all of this. And I'm also like, why is this happening on the worst day of my life?

Like this, like I feel like shit this is not what i imagined in my head you know and like that's something that women i think can relate to is we have scenarios like made up in our head of how things are supposed to go this is not how it was supposed to go so i get there and i'm like oh my gosh that's like the ring that i wanted and he just goes robin will you marry me and i'm like that's it. Robin, here's the thing. And you know this now, obviously.

Hans is like the most sentimental, loving, caring guy in the world. Was always writing me notes. Sends me flowers still to this day every single week. And like always has something like very kind to say still every single morning. Texts me in the morning and tells me like, you know, the sweetest little nothings. Every single night. Text me goodnight if we're not together. And I'm like, when it comes down to this moment, all you could come up with is, will you marry me?

And he's like, so I'm, once again, being an absolute terror to the earth. I'm being a maniac. And Willow is just barking, barking, barking. And I'm like, I'm going to murder this dog. Like, she's driving me insane. She's running around. I'm like, why couldn't we just have our moment? Yeah. Just like because that's what I told him. I said, regardless of anything, I was like, when you do propose, I was like, I just want it to be just us.

Yeah. Like just us. No one else. He was like, absolutely. So he ends up saying some some really nice sweet nothings that I completely couldn't tell you what he said to this day. Exactly. I'm just blacked out at this point. So he puts the ring on my finger, whatever. And I'm just like emotional. I'm crying. Willow's barking. And finally, I'm like, can you just fucking not to Willow? Like, shut the fuck up. And all of a sudden, I hear, surprise. Like, still, my heart sank straight to my butt.

Like, and I'm like, who the fuck is that? Oh, my God. And I, like, look at Hans and I turn to my, like, left. And Alexa and Michelle have been hiding in a chicken coop. And that's why Willow is barking. She's barking at them in the chicken coop. And so they're just, like, surprised. And I'm like, what the actual fuck are y'all doing here? Oh, my God. Six hours away from Fort Worth, Texas, in the middle of fucking nowhere.

And I'm just like, Michelle had just like had a baby. So I'm like, what are you doing here for sure? Like, why are you here? Like, you have more important things to be doing. Where's your baby? Yeah. Like, you have important things to do. And she was like, sorry, this has taken so long. She's like, I'm the reason we were late. I had to pump. But she was like, also, she was like, you passed me. She was like, you were driving so fast. She was like, you literally passed me.

Oh, my God. So that was a fun thing, too. And so I'm just like, OK, cool. So two of my closest friends just witnessed me be an absolute terror. Asshole. One million percent. Probably more than an asshole. Like an absolute terror to this beyond amazing man. Yeah. And it was so funny because obviously later Michelle was like, do you want the video? And I was like, what do you think? She's like, no, I won't. She was like, don't burn it.

Yeah. She was like, no, she was like, I won't do anything. what that she's like that'll get deleted and I was like thank you that's how you know we were like best friends yeah so anyways so then I'm like okay trying to pull myself together I'm like you've got to put on a brave face and I'm like telling him I'm like guys I feel like fucking shit today and they're just like yeah like well what do you need and so then Hans is like oh yeah so now we're gonna.

And the Struckers are bringing dinner over. I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? Now I have to see more people on the worst day of my life? The worst and best day of my life? And so he's just like, well, they're bringing like steaks over and stuff. And then mom and dad are like meeting us there. And I'm like, and I'm like, this is just not what I thought this day was going to be. So I'm obviously going through the motions and emotions.

And I'm like looking at this beautiful thing on my hand. And I'm like, this is just not what I pictured. And this is my issue is I'm an absolute control freak. It's a deep seated issue that I probably need some therapy on. But I'm a deep like an actual control freak. And Hans is absolutely like type B, go with the flow, go with the wind. Like we're absolute opposites in that. But anyways, so then we ended up like everyone, you know, like he got the girls like an Airbnb in Pratt. Yeah.

So they could stay because I was like, well, like they're not staying at the farmhouse. Yeah. I don't really like staying at the farmhouse because it doesn't have like it's so old and we haven't put like AC or anything yet. So it's like a window unit doesn't cut it. So they go back to the farm or to the little Airbnb they're staying at and leave the next morning. And then we head to Colorado. So I won't go into it this time, but I will in the future.

The two days after the engagement, it was literally like 72 hours from hell testing our relationship if we were going to make it. It involves a cabin up a mountain that you're supposed to only be able to get to by like an ATV. We went in Han's massive truck. The spice, one of the spice girls stayed there. It involves... someone else's red underwear. Like, it involves bears. It involves turkeys. And it involves bad directions. Like, it was literally, like,

a testament to be like, all right, you're engaged. Are you going to make it now? It was the most insane 72 hours of my life. And we, like, joke about it all the time. Now we're like, can you believe that happened? But it was just during the 72 hours, I was like, I hate everything. And it was definitely a test on me. You'll get to the cabin and it's just full of Ikea furniture that you've had to put together. Oh, no.

That would have been better because I love putting furniture together. Hans does not. But anyways, so yeah, so the engagement was an absolute mess. Yeah. Thanks to me and my absolute psychoticness. But obviously, like now we can like laugh about it and I still apologize all the time. I'm like, I'm sorry. Like I was an absolute mess because he just kept pushing this trip. And I was like, he's proposing like on a mountain in Colorado.

I he completely shocked me. And the whole meaning behind it was it was like on our property. And he was like, well, he's like, I wanted to do it somewhere that like we can always go back to. Yeah. Like we could go there every day if we want. And I was like, so I was like, OK, I was like, there's the sentimental stuff. Yeah. That I had envisioned is like that. He is just so sentimental about stuff like that.

I obviously just needed him to like walk me through it. And I was like, OK, also the blueprints. Yeah. I was like, can you tell me exactly how this is going to play out? Thanks. And then I can approve your plan. Yeah. So I know I was like, and it really has like I've been trying to get better about it, especially since that. Because then obviously fast forward to the wedding. Wedding day was great. Like, I feel like I was as chill as could be. You were there.

Y'all's wedding was the best. I loved it. It was small, but the venue, you were absolutely gorgeous. Oh, thank you. But I loved it. Yeah.

But like, so obviously fast forward, we ended up getting married August 2nd. There was 28 people total, and that included me and Hans. We kept it very, very small because of family. His mom has Alzheimer's, and that's part of why we kind of rushed things as well. I know a lot of people expected us to have a really big wedding and stuff, and we probably would have, except for the fact that.

His mom isn't comfortable with a lot of people and anyone that's experienced someone with Alzheimer's, it's hard to remember new people and it's very stressful. So we kept things as small as possible for that reason. We also didn't have like an actual wedding. We literally did vows and had dinner. So that was the nice thing about it too is we just had a very small group of friends and we literally just did vows, had dinner, and then we went back to the hotel. Yeah.

So I think it was like four hours. Yeah. yeah it was like engagement party it was yeah though and well yeah you didn't even get to sit down and eat at your engagement that part yeah i think i only had one drink too so everyone said the food was really good though at the engagement party so i was like i was happy about that for everyone else hans and i went home and ordered pizza yeah but yeah so i'm trying to think of what else I guess oh as far as the wedding goes Hans was late see I don't

know if I'm ready to even tell that story yet because but yes so two hours before the actual wedding I get a panicked phone call from Hans saying something was wrong we'll go into that another time because I feel like that needs discussed also but everything like I was I feel like I was very chill that day Like there was no pressure because it was such as like small little get together and it wasn't like a technical wedding is we like y'all all just came over to like the little

room and we sat around the table and just talked. Yeah. And had coffee and like champagne. And that was it. Yeah. Like it was just very, very chill. But yeah, Hans was late to the wedding. Wasn't me. It wasn't me. But I will say this. I was... Even when that happened, I was like, you know what? Whatever. Like, the actual wedding day, I was like, you know what? Whatever. Nothing can run this day. Fast forward. You know what I'm about to say. I know. This is the fact that we're laughing. I know.

So we got married on a Friday. So fast forward. Hans and I stayed at the hotel for like two extra days because we just wanted to like decompress and we knew we were about to go into like chaos mode with like harvest and stuff. So we finally get back to like our house and I'm like randomly looking at I think Facebook Messenger because no one ever writes me on Facebook Messenger and I had a message and I was like what's this and it's a cousin I haven't seen

since I was probably like eight years old. Yeah. And it says like you know condolences just wanted to tell you I was like you know thinking about you And I'm like, the hell is this? Like, did you find out I got married and you're trying to tell me something rude? Like, what are you talking about? And so I wrote her back and I was like, hey, not going to lie, I have no idea what you're talking about. And she's like, oh, well, your dad died. Oh.

Oh. So I'm just like. Were you like you spelled congratulations wrong? Yeah. That part. So... I'm just kind of like, what? And I'm like, this has to be like a really bad joke. Yeah. And so I obviously hit the googs immediately. And I'm like Googling like, you know, my dad's name. Yeah. And I find like one thing and that was it. And I'm like, well, who knows if this is true? He's a liar. He's a con artist. Like, this could be a trick.

Like, I'm just not going to really say anything. And I was just, so I just wrote her back and I was like, well, I said, you know, I haven't seen him since I was 18, so I have no idea. Like, it is what it is. And so she, like, wrote me something else, and I was just kind of like, okay, like, I don't know, whatever. So I waited a couple days. I know I, like, called you and the girls and was kind of like, hey, I don't know if this is for sure 100% true yet, but here's some info.

Apparently my dad died on our wedding day. Yeah. On, out, like, couldn't let me have a day. Yeah. The day that I was just like, this is perfect. Like, couldn't let me have a day. So I think you and I talked and it was kind of like, this is like poetic justice. Is literally like the start and birth of something new and like the death and end of something that was like holding me back. It was just the wildest thing. Yeah.

So then obviously like a couple days passed and I don't remember if someone sent it to me or if I just happened to Google it again and then there was actually like an article about it. And then I was like, okay, so like, it's real. And then I started getting calls from debt collectors. Oh, my God. So, and I was like, not answering any of those. So. Yeah, that's what when you called me and told me about it,

I was a little surprised. I was like, well, if you start getting calls for people wanting something from you, I was like. Don't be shocked. And that's exactly what happened. I think that, and this is what you and I talked about, is whenever you have a tumultuous or negative or toxic relationship with a family member and you've cut them out of your life, first of all, that's hard enough as is. I was able to do that with my dad at 18 because of not only him, but his wife.

And I just never looked back. And I can honestly say I think my life was better for it because of how bad they were. Like the stories, the messages, the things I would get still afterwards were still like horrific. And like whenever he did try and come back around, it was always him doing something like really dramatic or like placing blame somewhere. He could never take ownership of what he did. Never taking any kind of accountability. No, never any type of accountability.

So I think the thing was, is that like, and I think it was Jenna and I that talked about it, is like I forgave him in my own way. A long time ago. So I had peace with it because what am I supposed to do? Yeah. Like, I told him everything I wanted out of the relationship and I wanted him to own. And he never did it. Yeah. Up until literally, like, what was it? We got married in August and the last message I got from him was in December. Mm-hmm.

And he still. Yeah. Like, he literally wrote a letter to my sister and had my sister send it to me. And so he still just he'd go through the links, but like could never admit what he did. Right. Even in writing. Yeah. And then when he finally even kind of did admit it, he still didn't take ownership and apologize. Yeah. Yeah. I think I read that letter and I was like, there's literally no apology. No. No sorry. Nothing in this. No, nothing.

Yeah. And so and obviously, like, I'll probably share that one day because if it could help someone, then I'm all for that. But it's just wild to me that the people like your family, especially parents, people that are supposed to always be there for you and then they do the opposite. You're just kind of like, explain this. Yeah. Like, explain this. This makes no sense. Yeah. It's just insane. So, yeah. Yeah.

Engaged, married, dad died. What else? Went on a honeymoon, went to Mexico. Obviously, Mexico's the best. Maybe not now. Well, I mean, I'd still go. I don't know. I would. We'll see. Yeah, I mean. At this point, I don't think I'm ever going to get on a plane again. Oh, my gosh. No, literally, though. What is going on? What is going on with planes?

I feel like every time I turn on the news, another plane is crashed. Yes. This, like, what is going on? It's very strange. Also, in other news, whatever happened with that barge that hit the bridge, that story just completely disappeared. Well. Yeah. Who knows? Yeah. And we'll get into conspiracies later. Yeah. But anyways, I don't know. I was like, we need to do a catch up for you because my stories now just involve country life. Yeah. Getting a cat.

A cat. And Han's running out of gas. Yeah. Yeah, and I want more cat content. Oh, my gosh. Pepper's the best. Still don't know if Pepper's a boy or girl. I don't know cat anatomy that well. So, and the internet wasn't really helping. But Pepper, first of all, y'all know that we love cats just because they're like assholes. Pepper and I do get along really well. First of all, she's the sweetest cat. I always say, I think she's a she. I could be completely wrong, though.

But she loves me. Like, she literally loves me. This cat only wants to be snuggled. She's never scratched me, nothing. She lets me rub her face like a dog. She lets me rub her belly. She lets me touch her paws. Like, she had to have been loved and dropped off in the country. Like, which makes me sad because she truly is just, like, the sweetest thing on earth. Yeah. But Pepper and I get along really well because she will literally fuck up Willow.

She hates the dog just as much as you do. Here's the thing. I don't hate Willow. Willow and I have been working on our relationship. Yeah. But it's just one of those things where like Willow and I will have like a really good like 48 hours and then she'll do something just god awful. She's just like, oh, she's like, oh, we're finally loving her. She's like, I can't handle this. And she's like, I need to find a skunk immediately or like I need to go roll in a gopher hole or like something.

And it just stresses me out. And because like she just doesn't listen. Yeah. And Cammie and Blue, like literally, you know, because I did it.

I could give Cammie a three count like a child and she would come yeah I'd be like one and she'd be like oh mom's mom's about to get mad and she'd come running like they were the best dogs yeah and just nothing's gonna beat that and so it like stresses me out that Willow is like the exact opposite yeah but my favorite thing is that Willow initially whenever like we found Pepper outside and stuff she'd like just go and she'd be like lunging at like Pepper like the Grinch

does in that like one scene and like pepper would just like ignore willow, Well, now it's gotten to the point where if Pepper's trying to get fed and Willow's like, oh, I love food. She's like, I love cat food. So Hans told me that like, I think it was like last night that Willow was on the porch because he was like working outside and Willow was outside, Pepper's outside. And that he finds Willow on the front porch eating Pepper's cat food. Yeah.

And so there's like three steps walking up to the porch and says the next thing he knows, he's telling Willow no. And he says Pepper literally walks up the stairs on her like hind legs, paws in the air and just start swatting Willow and says that like Willow like jumps off the porch and starts running and is like like freaking out. And I'm just like, this is the best. Like, why wasn't I there?

Well, you know, my theory, she, I think, was part of the raccoon gang and they were like, hey, they've got unlimited cat food. You need to go. Go check it out for us. See if they're if they're wanting to take on more. Listen, one of the weirdest things that I've experienced is so like I always go out there and I'll like because Pepper's an outdoor cat because Hans and I both have severe allergies and we're both technically allergic to cats.

But so I have my cat jacket which is a car heart and I like pull the hood up and everything because first of all she needs her claws like trimmed and I don't know how to do that properly for a cat, yeah you're gonna get murdered yeah and so I was like I'm just gonna wait and like take her to the vet for that so I like always put my cat jacket on and I'll go out there and I'll like snuggle her before bed for like an hour and then I like obviously

have to come inside like wash my hands whatever and like that I normally shower and go to bed yeah but so I'm on the front porch with her and like as soon as she gets on me she like falls asleep yeah and so I'm like petting her and like looking at the stars and I hear this like insane sound outside and I'm like what is that. And it literally sounds like almost like hyenas or like I'm in the jungle. And I'm like, am I going crazy out here and like hearing things?

I'm like, Hans, what is going on? He goes, oh, that's raccoons. I said, what? And he was like, that's raccoons fighting over food. And I was like, no. Raccoons are precious little trash pandas. And they just use their little grubby paws. And he's like, no, Robin. He's like, they're like, they'll like fuck you up. Yeah, they will fuck you up. And I was just like, they sound terrifying. Like, I was, like, scared. And I was like, all right, Pepper,

I got to go inside. Like, because they sound close, too. And I know, like, where we are, like, they probably are just, like, a couple hundred yards away. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, I'm not fucking with that. Yeah. I was like, I don't think I could take on a pack of raccoons. Did I ever tell you about the raccoon that was on, like, the third, when I lived on a third floor apartment? And I come up the steps. It was, like, after Thanksgiving.

So I had, like, leftovers. I was carrying up leftovers up the stairs and shit. And you know me. I see an animal. And I'm like, oh, come here, baby. Let me pet you. This raccoon was, like, in a corner by my front door. And I, like, see it. Is this the house that was on the river? Or the apartment? That one? No. It was the one that was off of, like, Mark 4 or Western Center or whatever. Okay. I like go up the stairs. I see this raccoon. And I was like, look at you. You're so cute.

And then it stands up on its hind legs and literally starts like growling at me, like feral growling. I was like, what am I going to do? I need to get in my door. And it's like right in front of the door. I had to throw a whole box of Ritz crackers at this thing to get it the fuck out of the way. Yeah. And I mean, I woke up the next morning and there were chicken bones. I was like, where did the chicken bones come from? They literally found a chicken. All over the place.

I was like, well, all right, maybe I won't fuck with the raccoons. I literally, I would love to like domesticate a raccoon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's after that night, I was like, no. Yeah, they're little hands. It's their little, you can't give something such little paws. I know. It's the same thing with bears. Yeah. Why do bears have those teeny tiny ears if they're not meant to be like snuggled. If not friend, why friend shape? Like why? I need to snuggle it. It makes me so mad.

So yeah, no, country life is just, it's a lot. Yeah. So, and like I grew up like with my grandparents and stuff like in Oklahoma and the country, like going out and feeding cattle and doing stuff.

So like everything up there is fine and it's about the same size town but I think it's just the fact that it's long term now and I don't have any friends yeah I literally have no friends up there I don't know anyone like the closest friend I have is one of Han's friends wives and she's got seven kids yeah and I'm like she's busy she doesn't have time for me she's seven yeah Missy you met her at the wedding yeah I was like I was like it's just one of those things where i'm like i like

my activities are get up work do farm stuff if i forgot a single grocery i have to drive 30 minutes into town you know stuff like that instacart no no there's no uber eats there's no shipped god so it really is just like but that's the thing is it's so peaceful up there it is so nice obviously like we're eventually going to be back in texas But he's, you know, we're making sure to take care of his parents, help with the farm stuff and everything.

And that's fine with me for now because I know it's not forever. Yeah. But also, like, it does show me a whole different way of life. Yeah. If I were up there like that, I would 100% probably have Lyme disease. I'd have to be like, I'd definitely have to have a rabies vaccine by now. Yeah. Because I would just be outside trying to touch every wild animal. Well, did I tell you all about the snake? You showed me a video of you mowing. It's literally, it was seven feet long.

Fucking kill it with fire. Literally, and that's what I told Hans. I said, for Christmas, you better be getting me a flamethrower. A flamethrower. That is the only thing I will accept, is I need a power drill and a flamethrower, because I put together a lot of furniture out there. Yeah, no, I'm not going to mess with snakes. I fucking hate snakes. I dream about snakes. all the time. Oh, same. It's an absolute nightmare. The wildest thing, though, is that,

like, my favorite thing to do up there is mow. Yeah. Like, because it's, like, one of those, like, actual, I've never done a riding lawnmower. All growing up, we had a push mower. It was horrendous. But, like, it's a John Deere, like, riding mower, and that thing flies. So, like, the zero turn thing? I don't know. I mean, I bust a bitch in it, so.

Like, I almost knocked it, I almost tipped it over one day and I like because you have to like raise the deck so like the mowers on the front yeah and you have to like raise the like deck when you're going over something like a hill and I just thought it was up high enough and it wasn't and it almost tipped over whenever I like started going I was like oh shit I literally was like leaning I was like don't tip and I was like I can't tell Hans I like fucked up the mower my first day mowing

so it literally the first time I mowed I think it took me five hours and I've got it down to three now oh wow so I mean I fly on that thing that's nice it's really fun yeah because I like also then whenever I drive by I'm like looking on my straight lines there's a whole two houses on our road it's a literal dirt road, so it's not like anyone's driving by to be like oh they've got a nice yard but I am so you couldn't Forgive me. I'd be mowing all kinds of patterns.

There'd be a big dick in the front yard. I don't know. I need to try and do that. The biggest thing is we've got the internet out there. Yeah. It's that Starlink or whatever. And so we literally have to go pick up the internet out of the yard when we're mowing because like it has to sit facing the sun. It's like the wildest thing. I'm like, you can't tell me we put people on the moon. Yeah, no. I don't believe it anymore.

I literally don't believe it anymore. Or like, you cannot convince me we went to the moon when these things are like so simple and so stupid at the same time. Which we can get into my rants of things later because the post office has really pissed me off lately. Oh, God. Especially up there. I swear, Monica, it's like. Everyone's behind like 30 years up there at least. Well, didn't you say like Hans, you had to like teach Hans how to use like an ATM or some shit?

Here's the thing. Hans, yeah. Pawpaw's getting out his checkbook every time. You know what, though? I love. Here's the thing. I love the fact that my husband is like a little old man because I always told him from the beginning, too. I was like, you remind me of my grandpa. And I always wanted, I always wanted to marry a man like my grandpa because he was just the like perfect human. And that's the thing is like, I love him so much, but I swear he's also an alien

on the earth. But yeah, we had to have the locks changed on the house. And I wanted to stay there with a guy. He was like, well, if you do cash, obviously don't do like all these fees and stuff. And we were close to the bank and I was like, we'll just go run and I'll sit here and talk to him about some of the other stuff we want to do.

And I said if you'll just go get money he's like okay and so he comes back with money I like gave him the card like I because I it was the house that I'm renovating up there I bought rental property yeah to flip and so I used my card he took it you know whatever, and he comes back after the guy leaves and he's like I need to tell you something and I'm like what he's like that was the first time I've used an ATM I was like I'm I beg your finest pardon.

You're 37 and you're just now learning how to use an atm he was like yeah and i was like what have you done for cash he's like i put it on deposit slips like at the bank and they give me cash and i was like what century is this so i love my little old man though it's the funniest thing though because there's just constantly i know there's been so many times i've like text you things and I'm like what is going on yeah like what where did he come from, literally that is I'm just like how did you

survive this long yeah what did you do before me like what did you do I love it so here's the thing though I know that we need to talk about also stuff going on in your life and I really need you to talk about your oldest oh my god Because she's killing me with the dramatics. She's killing me. I swear, like, if I were hooked up to monitors, I think every morning when I had to get her ready for school, like, I'm on the verge of a fucking stroke.

It's insane. So we're just, like, going through it with her. She's seven. She's about to be eight. But, like, I've read. And it's gotten to where, like, I'm listening to parenting podcasts and stuff. Like, there's one where it's, like, the Calm Parenting podcast. Do you believe in gentle parenting? Or, like, what do you say y'all's parenting style is? I try to be like, I'm obviously more of a hothead than Clayton is.

But there's something about him that they listen to, like, because they know, like, if he raises his voice or anything, like, he means business. He doesn't give them warning after warning after warning like I do. Like, he's like, I'm going to tell you once and if you don't do it. Yeah, we we will spank our kids. Like, yeah, believe in it. Like, I know I don't want to, but sometimes it gets the point across.

But yeah, there's like I think it's like seven to nine, this like age period where they have kind of like a surge of these growth hormones and stuff. And they don't really they are almost like deregulating their emotions like they just have meltdowns. And so we're kind of going through that right now. And she's been on this kick where she doesn't want to go to school. I mean, relatable. Yeah. But so, you know, their winter break is way too long.

I swear they're out for like three weeks. We didn't have like winter breaks like that. I think we were out for like Christmas and then it was like back to school. The thing is, I really don't remember because sometimes I felt like it was forever and other times I was like, this goes by so fast. Yeah, no, I feel like we weren't out of school that long. But yeah, theirs was almost like three weeks. And then they went back to school one day and then the ice and snow blew in here.

So schools closed down and then they had like a long weekend. It was like the MLK weekend or whatever. her. So the first day back to school after that three day weekend, Lily gave me the business that morning trying to get ready for school. And she's like, I don't want to go to school, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, you don't go to school. Me and daddy go to jail. Like I've tried to tell her, like, it's the law. You got to go to school.

She's like, I'm going to change the law. And I was like, well, you got to go to school to change the law, become a politician. Like you can't just change the nobody's going to listen to a seven year old. So she goes to school. Probably about an hour and a half later, I get a call from the school nurse. And you've like just gone to the gym. Like just I love how I know you're morning routine. So I get a call. She's like, I've got Lily in my office.

There's like a school nurse. Yeah. She's like she's and she's saying that she's itching and I've checked her. She doesn't have any rash or hives or anything. And I was like, do you have lotion? She goes, yeah, I've got some lotion. I said, put some lotion on her. It's cold outside. She's got dry skin. Relatable. Send her back to class. She's like, OK. About another hour goes by and I get a call and she's like, I've still got Lily

in my office. And I'm like irritated at this point that I'm The nurse is actually calling me like this is a fucking problem because I've told her like before, like, hey, Lily is the kid that like frequents the nurse's office because she doesn't want to be in class. And I'm like, you don't call me unless she's running a fever. You've seen her throw up because she'll tell people, oh, I threw up.

Nobody's nobody witnesses it. Hypocondria. Yeah. I'm like, unless you see her throw up or she's shit her pants, like, don't call me. It's insane. So I'm already irritated that the nurse is calling me back. Well, kids are like master manipulators. Yeah. And I get it. Like, I don't know. The nurse probably sees a million of these cases a day. And so she's like, I still got Lily in my office. She says she can't go back to class. She's still itching. And I said, can I talk to her?

And she puts her on the phone. And I was like, Lily, you can't. I'm not coming to get you because you're itching, because your skin's dry. And she starts kind of whining to me and I was like what's what's really going on and I wish I would have recorded it she like whispers it where I have to like ask her to repeat herself I was like I didn't hear you what'd you say she goes I've got lice.

My first thought was like well I don't want to fucking come and get you if you've got I don't want lice like you're on your own kid like you're staying outside yeah but i was like also like i was like lily if you've got lice it's in your hair like your body's not itching and she goes you don't know that and i was like i think i do i've got over 30 like 32 years on you okay. I was finally just like if i come and get you, You're not coming home and watching TV. You don't get your tablet.

You don't get your Nintendo. Nothing. I was like, you can read books or you can do some homework. And she was like, OK. And so I go and pick her up. And she's fucking smiling when I get her out of the nurse's office, which pisses me off. And she thought I was joking. She's like, Victoria. Yeah. She's like, yes. No school of the day. She comes home and I wouldn't turn on it. I like put the remotes. Did you hide everything? I put everything in the safe. Yeah.

Any electronic thing that she could get her hands on went into the safe. She thought I was fucking around. I was like, no, absolutely not. So I made her like read and do homework. She cried most of the day. She's like, take me back to school. I know. I was like, do you want to go back to school? She's like, no. And I was like, well, read your book. Like you're not coming home and playing. You're not skipping school and coming home and playing. Yeah.

So that's the shit I've been dealing with. But the other day, you know, the like fundraising event that we had for Bobbitt last summer and we had Crown Royal do a table there. So everybody got like Crown Royal swag and stuff. She tries to wear a Crown Royal hat to school. Or did you have to explain to her? I was like, Lily, you can't wear that. And she was like, why? And I was like, because that's an alcohol brand. I was like, that's for adults.

And she looks at me and she goes, there's adults there. And I was just like, oh, yeah, you and your teacher is going to chum it up over Crown Royal. I can just see it now. Like, take the hat off. Like, God, she's. Here's the thing. I can't deal with her because she's just like me. That's the thing is, like, she has valid points. Like, that's it's hard to be like, Matt, it's like, she's not wrong. Oh, God. So if anybody has any advice on how to deal with a seven-year-old version of yourself...

Hit me up. I mean, at least she's not trying to steal, like, scooters and stuff. Oh, God. She's got one of those, like, hoverboards that we didn't give her because Clayton's uncle got it for the girls, not this past Christmas, but the Christmas before. And we were like, I opened it because he just had it sent in the mail and I was going to open it and wrap it. And I opened it and I was like, this has got to be a joke, right?

And so I'd, like, tell Clayton, I was like, we've got a problem he sent a hoverboard he goes no he didn't i was like absolutely so we like those are dangerous yeah i was like is he trying to give them traumatic brain injuries like yeah like what on earth so we like didn't give it to him until this past summer but we got an attachment it's a seat that goes on it that turns it basically into like a little like go-kart type yeah so they're not standing on it oh thank god but she

flipped it how sitting on it so i had like she going up a curb i had my thing i wasn't out there so i checked my like ring footage to see if i could see what happened and there's like a five second period where it didn't catch like what happened so i see her going down the driveway and she's just she's a hauling ass she's so reckless she has no fear I've told her she can't ride it without a helmet on and she just still does it anyways. And so my niece and my nephew were outside with her.

And they said that she like was hauling ass going forward. And then she all of a sudden like pulls up to put it like in reverse. Put it in reverse, Terry. Back on, Terry. But she like pulls up to put it in reverse, but like, I guess was lopsided with the handles. And it just yeeted her right off of it. So she comes in. She's got like no skin on her knee. Oh, no. And my sister, like, so we get her like cleaned up and she wants to go back out there.

And my sister's like, once again, no fear. She's like, whatever. Clean me up. Send me back, coach. My sister's like telling like Brianna, my niece, she's like, Brianna, watch her. Don't just take video on your phone. And I looked at Brianna. I was like, did you get that on? I was like, if you did, send it to me. Yeah, literally send it to me. Yeah. No, she didn't get it on. She was disappointed. I was disappointed.

But. Well, I think it's what is it? I think they said that like seven is also the age that you're starting to understand reason. So she just clearly might be a little delayed in that. Yeah. She's just like, I don't care. Absolutely unreasonable is what it is. Yeah.

I here's the thing is like especially because like I know your kids yeah I just love it because they truly are literally like you and Clayton yeah and it makes me laugh so hard because every single time Lily does something like irrational I'm just like yeah I could see that mom yeah I'm just like you can't I can't be mad at her ever because I'm just like yeah that checks yeah so it's like the day she tried to she tried to tell me touche but she goes crush crochet i was like what and then

it took me a second to put it together i was like she literally just tried to touche me but she goes crochet i just love them so much they make me laugh anytime that you want well you know that they terrorize me yeah so i was like they terrorize me every single year because that's the thing is like our tradition you know is to do halloween, every year.

And my gosh, the commentary that comes from that alone each year, I'm always just like, how, how, how, like, it's just the, the, also the fact that every single year, cause like you always bring that buggy. So it's like one of those, what do you call those? It's like a wagon. Yeah. It's like, it's literally like a wagon on wheels or whatever, but every single year, typically they want to carry their basket, but then they're just like, I don't want to carry it. There's just, it's so much candy.

And so it always goes into like the wagon. The bottom of the wagon. Yeah. But then they want to ride in the wagon. And so my favorite thing was this past year that Clayton was like, no more wagon. Yeah. We're not getting the wagon. Y'all are going to walk. And he just brought his backpack. And that backpack. That was loaded down. He was like doing a ruck. Because that's their whole thing. They, like you said, they're master manipulators.

So they know if they go to a door and their candy bucket is empty, people are going to give them more candy. So they know if they dump it, and go to a door where they're empty, they're going to just get more and more and more. They literally, like, go and give puppy dog eyes. They're like, please, sir, can I have some mow? It's like Oliver Twist. Also, speaking of Oliver Twist, just real quick, because I know we need to, like, wrap this up, but did you ever watch Wishbone as a kid? Yes.

Okay, what happened to Wishbone? Because that was, like, the best show, and Hans and I bonded over the fact that we both watched that growing up. Yeah.

So now the morning routine is obviously we don't have, like, great TV or anything out there in the middle of nowhere but he found wishbone on youtube oh yeah so now our mornings consist of watching wishbone and the last one we watched was the oliver twist one and it made me so happy because first of all like what a great song intro like what's the story wishbone.

Like it's just it's just so good and like the fact that they go into like actual literature her and then there's like a story that goes along with it and then they always do like the behind the scenes thing that was a great show what happened do you know what bring it back also a great show that andy has started watching she loves it and so i've watched it with her a little bit and i forgot maybe because when i was a kid i didn't put it together but there's so much political satire in it

but do you remember the show dinosaurs yes andy watches not the baby not the not the mama not the mama yeah andy watches it and she loves it it's the funniest thing see and i didn't like it as a kid because like watch it now not the mama stressed me out yeah but i think it's just the like repetitiveness of it so now i need to go back and watch it but yeah like what happened to good shows like that i don't know you remember fraggle rock yes i love eureka's castle.

Like, what happened? And now everything's just a cartoon. I tried to get my girls to watch The Labyrinth a while back, and it scared them. Yeah, it's because they didn't freak them out. I was like, this is freaking comedy gold right here. I just love it. But yeah, no, my newest thing is that I need Wishbone to come back. Yeah. Also, like, what a cute-ass dog. Yeah. And I just loved his little, like, personality. One of the other ones we watched was, like, it was Romeo and Juliet.

And so but obviously wishbones being a naughty boy and he ends up in like the pound or the bad place is what i used to tell cammy and blue i straight up threaten willow with a pound all the time i'm like you want to go to the pound because here's my thing also she's like a purebred dog like golden doodles and i'm like there's something about these designer ass dogs yeah where they're just like i can do anything and i'm also stupid yeah like oh that because they've been bred like Like,

all the instinct and everything has just been bred out of them. Willow could not survive 24 hours on the street. She probably couldn't survive an hour. Yeah. So, you know, anyways. But, yeah, I just wish, I want Wishbone to come back.

If there's a way to make a petition to bring back Wishbone. If someone would like to invest, like, I would gladly help direct. Can't you, like, I don't know. can you write like Netflix or whatever and be like, hey. Was it like PBS, I think, that did it? I think so, yeah. Yeah, anyways, PBS. Well, Amazon Prime streams PBS stuff. Okay, maybe I need to write the people at Amazon. If you or someone you know has a contact at Amazon, please let me know. Please let me know. Jeffrey Bezos.

Jeff? Jeffrey? But yeah, I think that obviously, so the plan is we'll go into like for the podcast. We are going to try and stick with doing like one event a year. This event this year, I think, is probably going to be closer to like fall, winter. Yeah. So later in the year, we will be doing, I know we said we'd be doing two. We're going to promise you one episode a month. Yeah. But we're going to try and do two. So no promises. I think the second episode is probably going to be we're going

to bring back questions and confessions. Yeah. Because we've been getting a lot of those in. And so I think that we'll do an episode of just that. Yeah. But yeah, we're back. I know this year has a lot in store. There's a lot we still need to catch up on. And yeah, we've missed you guys. I was like, I'm also just happy because I get to look at Monica's face and do this and hang out for an hour and a half. I don't care if we actually put this out. I just like sitting here and talking.

I know. And I was like, we get like our coffee or a cocktail. And we did coffee this morning. But you never know what the next one will bring. Yeah. If we're ever just truly unhinged, you know, it's going to be. Oh, well. Yeah. I think we could do it without alcohol, too, though. That's the thing. Probably, yeah. So, you know. But yeah, happy that we're back. And we love y'all. And make sure you still write in and tell us anything.

Give us the dirt. Also, I did see a certain, well, maybe I'll save that for the next episode. Just kidding. Who I saw at brunch. So, yeah. Anyways, but love y'all. Miss y'all. And write in and let us know what you think. Yes. Yeah. And until next time, cheers.