¶ Post-Surgery Growth and Improved Confidence
Welcome to Core Bariatrics Podcast hosted by Bariatric Surgeon Dr Maria Iliakova and Tammy Lacoste , bariatric Coordinator and a patient herself . Our goal is building and elevating our community . The Core Bariatric Podcast does not offer medical advice , diagnosis or treatment . On this podcast , we aim to share stories , support and insight into the world beyond the clinic .
Let's get into it , tammy . So we're in beautiful Orlando right now at a conference , and a couple of nights ago we were at a restaurant bar . There was a lady that was called out who was a publisher .
I just got a wild hair and I dared you to tap her on the shoulder and strike up a conversation with her , and then the cops were called because I punched her in the face .
Well , close . So how'd that go ? I did it only because you said , if you do this you would not have to go salsa dancing . But I only got out of it for one night , yeah . So how goes ? Yes , I did . I was scared beyond , like I was probably shaking my heart really .
Really oh yeah .
Oh my gosh , because I've never like talked to someone really professional and said , like this is what we're doing . This is especially like the book that we're working on is yeah , we've just kind of like thrown stuff at it , it's good , but like we hadn't had yet discussed like exactly what whatever . Right , right .
So I just pulled her situation and she said oh yeah , our company is always looking for stories . And I'm like that makes sense , because you know people want stories . They do , yeah , so anyway . So I asked her if I could have her contact information and she gave it to me and she ended up apparently being a publisher at Penguin Random House Publishing .
I had to Google that just because I didn't know , but you knew exactly who , well yeah .
So we're going to reach out there , but so Tammy , but do you think that that's something that you would have necessarily done a year and a half ago ? What do you think ?
Absolutely not . Absolutely not , because you even saw my hesitation salsa dancing . Yeah , not so much , honestly . Not so much because I didn't have like the self confidence per se , but I would . I'm still absorbing this whole culture shock because I am not in Iowa ?
No , you're not in Iowa . But then , tammy , you took me line dancing and I had no idea white boys could dance like that .
Okay , let's start from the beginning where you absolutely hated it . The second you walked in .
Oh no , not even no , no , no , no , you're faking .
No , no , no no , no , no , no , no , no . Your face cannot lie .
Well , you dragged me from salsa dancing .
Yes , Well , you took me out of my comfort zone , best journey you took me online and I liked it .
I liked it too . All right , yes , there we go , so we can do some good things .
Yes , so we're going to talk about positive and negative changes within , like self esteem , and touch a little bit in relationships and stuff . All right , so positive or negative , go Positive or negative .
So I want to know first what's been one of the most positive changes that you've had that you didn't expect since having bariatric surgery , being willing to spark up a conversation and not even think about it and just go with it , even at the line dancing bar and whatnot .
Just , yeah , I sparked up conversations with people I wouldn't spark up conversations with because I didn't want to be recognized or I didn't even want to be noticed , I didn't want . No , no , no , no , no . Why was that ? Because I was big , I had a lot of self esteem . I did not have any self esteem .
I've told you this before and you really were like wow , what the heck that when I and this is a thing for people when I walked into a room in a new place or whatever , I scanned the room to see if I was the biggest person in the room , that is so , but it was true , just because I don't know . I guess I don't even know why .
I don't even know why . I guess maybe it gave me a little . You could find it if you could crush people . Yeah , no , no no . Sorry , and then I just , and then I just hide Like yeah , that's wild .
That's wild . That's wild because I know you now and you are Holy skin before , sir , like you said , Well , yeah , I did . Did you know before surgery ? But you were always so and it's that curiosity inside of you .
You were curious about yourself , you're curious about other people , and so I never perceived you as having any trouble speaking your mind or talking with other people or engaging in something , so it's wild to me to think of you as someone who had confidence trouble with your self confidence . Yes , I did , yeah , yeah . And why do you think it's different now ?
Why do you think you can walk into a room and just spark up a conversation with someone ?
Because I'm looked at as normal . I'm treated different . I'm 100% treated differently , even between , like my child's baseball moms . I am approached way more now . Why is that ? Was I any less ? Was I scary ?
Was I . That's why this scares me a little and this is why it makes me sad sometimes too , because I feel that this is not fair . Ultimately , we I wish our society were more progressive than this . I wish people were a little bit more open-minded than this . Because you didn't change as a person between a year going now , or a year and a half ago and now .
No , fundamentally , you core values as a person , didn't change .
No , but now I'm just more willing to share those core values , and words are hard to challenge other people's morals and values .
Yeah , because you did say like I look more normal now and I'm like actually like statistically speaking , normal in the US is size over 14 , as far as I understand , for women average , and for men I actually don't know men's sizes at all , I realize right now but normal , even like what our perception of normal is . So not real , not true .
And what is and what is normal is a range , no matter what , right , right , but you're not wrong at all in the sense . People definitely treat each other really differently , depending on what their weight is .
But then I also think , like am I now , which I know I am , but is it more now because I am more , like , confident in talking and like , so maybe I'm more personable now or before I just maybe I gave off that vibe of I don't want to talk .
Oh , I'm shy , Like well . That brings up kind of this interesting idea which I know sometimes if I'm going through something like you know , a bad breakup or I injured myself or something like that , like I'm much more closed off to people than I would be if I were in a great mood and everything was going great and all that stuff .
So it's sort of this whole you're not . You're not an island and we don't live in a vacuum where nothing else affects us .
Right .
So maybe actually you did change in a way in the past year , year and a half a lot not that your core values did , but maybe , like you said , like your ability to express my outside .
Yeah . But so I'm absolutely willing to put myself out there and challenge people's like not challenge , but I mean like have a have a debate , conversation and being willing to stick up for my thoughts and feelings and whatnot and just how like at my new job .
I mean it's it's not really new , because it was my first job out of college , first of Torrey College , and so most of the people that are there are still still were there previously . But I was not afraid of even being out of the like inpatient respiratory therapy atmosphere .
Sure , I jumped right in , was not afraid to push people out of my way to treat a patient if we're in a trauma situation . Also , like when I went down to the ER , which I don't know if you've ever know you have been in the ER . I don't know , those people are rough . Yeah , sometimes they're not very like . The ER is their own commuted .
Oh , yes , and if you come into , that is a closed commuted community down there sometimes .
Yeah .
So it was so funny that I walked into their little like nurses station with all the doctors and stuff .
And .
I'm like Hi , I'm Tammy , I'm the new respiratory therapist , just wanted to let you know . Yeah , nobody was introducing me is so weird .
Anyways , because I think people just assumed everybody knew me because I was there .
But anyways , ready for this , tell me during my orientation yeah , our CEO is very , very , very involved . He is rarely just sitting behind his computer . You see him everywhere , and during our orientation I was front and center , which another thing . I'm more willing to sit closer , I noticed that even so .
yeah , at this conference that right now , you always want to sit in the front , and I am one of those really annoying people that love sitting in the front too , because I'm just soup . I'm so sorry . I own it though .
This is who I am .
No , I love and I love talking to people like that too , so I it's so funny to me to see somebody else like that , such a kind of spirit Because , again , I did not want to be recognized , by the way , because if you're in the front row there's a chance that your speaker or presenter is going to call on you or like recognize that you're agreeing or
disagreeing and like talk to you , right , but anyways . So the CEO was giving just his talk about where , how they've grown and where they're going .
And .
I just I'm like so how open are you about new things ? And he's like tell me more . And I said , what about a bariatric program ? And he's like , well , yes , he's like I'm trying to surgeon , for I'm like I got one . And he really looked at me like wait , what ?
Timmy , I feel like you're my pimp and I'm just like no , I'm sharing you with the world literally .
Yes , yes , you are a unique surgeon and I think you know that . And but anyways , and he's just like let's touch base later . But I would have never done that . Not a great , I don't know how does that feel ? I mean it feels good , and I don't go afterwards and be like what was I thinking ?
Because there was times where I had all the confidence in the world , when , back then , when I'd have a few drinks in me but I would always go back and overanalyze it . And now I'm just like nope , that was , that was what it was .
So , yeah , it sounds like there's some really strong positive things , because being able to speak openly at work or being able to speak openly in new situations , it's just it's .
It gives you that kind of like adaptability , almost to never be afraid of a situation , even if it's new or uncomfortable you always have yourself to rely on in a different way and I almost feel like , especially in career now , because I just I started over and you know how that goes .
I just started over where I feel like I built myself up Like everybody knew me at my old job and so I mean , people know me here but don't know like how well I am whatever , my capabilities honestly you started the bottom of the totem pole , Honestly probably still think I'm just a respiratory therapist , but there's so much more to me .
So I think that's another reason why I put myself out there is because I want people to know there's more to me . Yeah , yeah , you're proud of the things you are . How are you going to climb the totem pole if nobody knows who you are ?
And you're not willing to raise your hands , to be involved , volunteer yourself , make yourself vulnerable , yeah .
¶ Humility's Impact on Patient Care
But then I guess there are some times now you know , I'm approaching doctors , like I'm approaching doctors and surgeons for you and stuff , but yeah , yeah , that's great yeah it's crazy .
It's crazy , that's great . And you realize , everyone's a human being , oh yeah , and some will love you , some will hate you Well , but actually I wonder I don't know if you've thought about this , but what impact do you think this has on how you take care of patients ?
I'm more willing to stick up for my patients for one , I think and I'm also way more willing to openly say to a patient that I don't know what I'm doing and I'm going to find the answer for you . I think that is a super strong , positive thing a person can do . Oh my gosh .
Yeah , like my first week back , we had a trach patient , so that's a long term breathing airway in the neck , if people don't know . But I've not dealt with the trach in so long and even then they were still very , very they're still kind of rare , but they are scary because that's how they breathe and right it's a hole and anyways .
So , and she was an older lady and I don't know . But I honestly told her . I said I don't want to hurt you , I don't want to do anything that is going to compromise anything .
I'm going to help you in any way possible , but that's why I'm going to have this person in with me , because she is way more competent with tricks and I'm going to learn from her . And if anything does not feel right , if you are uncomfortable , just let me know . Like so .
But what a mature way to handle that instead of pretending like you know what you're doing and are flawless right out the gate and things like that , you actually are saying , hey , I don't know this exactly . Perfectly well , I can do better . And I'm willing to ask for help .
Yeah , another person gets to feel good mentoring you and teaching you , but I think when you are very , very insecure and have low self-esteem , you don't want to give anybody more of a reason to think less of you .
Like more ammo ? Basically , yeah , because you think that they already think poorly and so you don't want to give them more . Oh , wow , yeah , but I understand it completely Well .
So , like from my experience in this as a resident , for instance so when I was in residency already a doctor , but baby doctor , learning how to do surgery , learning how to do things you're constantly being challenged with new things , with complexity .
Things are , you know , every day just a million things thrown at you and you really , really , really want to prove to people that you know what you're doing that you're competent , that you're capable , but most of the time , it's the first time that you're doing something , or it's the first time when this specific situation , and so you really , really have to have
that humility and maturity to say I don't know how to do this , but I'd like to learn . Will you show me , will you help me ? And it's safer . And especially when it comes to patients , of course , and it's not only safer , but it actually makes you better , because , right , like if you do , more confidence .
Exactly because , like if you had just not taken the time to ask somebody else to help you , you still wouldn't know how to take care of a trait as well as you could . Yeah , but you did so . Now you can take care of a trait and the next patient . You're actually going to be able to do that without necessarily needing
¶ Body Image and Self-Confidence
somebody there . Oh right , Absolutely . How cool is that ? Absolutely , that's a huge progression as a person .
I think Absolutely , but there is some degr . What's the other word ? Regression ?
Regression . Tell me about the . What do you ?
mean by regression . So , even though I am more self , have more self-esteem , maybe more self-confidence , like if it's hot outside I'm wearing shorts , I don't care if you see my loose skin from me losing so much weight , it's on my mind but I'm more confident in that aspect .
But also , on the contrary , I am more self-conscious about being naked , which has made and you heard my husband say I was just on a call with him and I wanted you to hear it that it has made our intimacy harder .
Which sucks . Yeah Well , can I interject here ? Yeah , because we know each other pretty well now . Oh yeah , you had shared that you took some like Boudoir photos , which I personally go sexuality . I love people's sexual health .
I think everybody should do it , because it was so Everybody should do one of those , yes , and what that is is like you basically take sexy photos with a professional photographer and things like that , and it's not necessarily nude or anything like that .
It can be it doesn't have to be but it's made potentially like to share with your spouse or just for your own , just empowering too . Yeah , like empowering all these things . But for whatever reason , you do it , and you had mentioned how sexy and confident she made you feel and those photos made you feel , yeah .
And I remember asking you if you would do that now to celebrate the changes your body's history gone , and you had kind of mixed you know a mixed response about that and that ridiculous . Well , no , tell me , what was that all about ? I don't think that's ridiculous .
You can't hide loose skin . I mean you can edit out stretch marks , but at least it's full skin . But even standing in front of her , even though she is very , I love her to death , Photographer Anyways , she makes everybody feel so comfortable and beautiful and whatnot . And in Marie photography , yes , it is in Brooklyn .
Iowa , there you go , yes , yes .
I love her so much . Yes , can find her on Facebook . She does not sponsor this episode ? No , no , we really appreciate her yeah because she did our , she did our photos , our photo , yep , that's right , and she made you . You've never done a photo shoot , I know , but anyways . So , sitting , I feel like just sitting in front of her , I honestly I don't know .
I would be uncomfortable , I don't know . Because , okay , some of those sexy poses that she had me do , like being on your hands and knees and your , you know whatever , upside down the backwards , they're saggy skin .
And saggy boobs . Can you tell me more about the saggy like ? Why is that a big deal ? I don't know . I don't either . I don't know , I don't know . Do you feel like ? Are you judging yourself ? Oh , absolutely .
No , I'd that's . What's even worse is that like I am all of , like you are beautiful , like there's nothing wrong with you , and then I'm over here like I am better than I was about negative self talk , but it's still definitely there .
I will say , like I dealt with what is called in the language , body dysmorphia , which is sort of your body looks a certain way and other people may perceive it a certain way , but you personally don't see it that way . You see it differently . You see it as being ugly or not good enough or less than , and you don't see what the rest of the world sees .
And I think a lot of people really , really struggle with that from the body changes that happen ? Absolutely , yep . Do you think that it's easy to have your mind catch up to what your body's doing ? Is it ?
easy yeah no .
Yeah .
Like no , my no , my mind is 100% . Still , I still go to plus size sections .
Oh boy .
I like comfy clothes now , but no , literally like I'm like , okay , let's need an extra large , let's go to the dressing room and I'm like , oh , no I don't need an extra large . Like um , yeah , my mind's not there at all .
You did say you , there's like a store you can't even go to anymore Torrid .
Yeah , for the most part I cannot , because , yeah , it is much , it's bigger stuff and I was like that was my store to go to .
Yeah , Because you were asking me like , what store do you go to ? And I realized I don't go to stores , I do everything online , which is terrible , well , terrible . I don't know , whatever yeah it is what it is , I suppose yeah , but yeah it's so .
I don't even think people necessarily think that they're going to have changes where things you don't think about , little things , will restructure as you go , you need to prepare to , even though you hate yourself , obese , obese , potentially looking yourself in the mirror .
you might hate looking at yourself in the mirror , just for a different reason .
Yeah , because of the changes being . Do you think it is hatred that you feel hatred ? Oh , no , no , no , you said hate how your body feels or how your body looks .
Yeah , you did say hate , Okay fine .
Okay , this is a strong word .
Okay , I don't hate my body . My body is now doing things the way it's supposed to do things internally it is . But also I can walk more and you maybe walk so much .
I think your feet are just one pure blister at this point , yeah let's talk about shoes , I know , oh yeah actually . Yes , we should have an episode on shoes , but I love shoes .
So , but so I don't hate my body because it's it's working better now . I loved it enough to make a shocking change to it , and it's working better I breathe , better I move better Sure .
But self confidence isn't just about those like rational brain is still 100% messed up .
Yeah , and this is something . Yeah , this is one of my big drivers for me approaching you or us talking about this on a podcast is that I can't find this on YouTube . How do I right on my brain ?
I wish I had an answer to right . Honestly , I will say I don't think there's anything we're gonna ask Lydia or my health provider how do I on my brain . I think there's a process going on here . I don't think there's a fast forward .
Yeah , I also don't necessarily think there's anything wrong with a lot of this at all , or any of this necessarily , because people's bodies change over time , whether it's aging , or whether it's pregnancy or whether it's a medical condition , or whether it's surgery , or whether it's this and or whether it's even like working out .
So , like I , for instance , I like working out and there's certain you know kinds of activity that I do and I get muscle . Some places that I'm really I love it , and there's other places that I'm like , oh , I don't love .
Though , that how that looks . Necessarily look like a man . Yeah , because , like you know , I have , like you don't like well , thank you , that's very kind . Okay , that's why a lot of women do not wait trains because they're right to look like a man Correct . And like right .
And I have like definition in some places that's like oh I , you get the judgment . Sometimes too , by the way , because people still think that sometimes that like muscle should not belong in a woman which clearly I don't believe that but you're right .
Like probably stigma , they're saying that women shouldn't be surgeons either . I would know , yes , that's a whole another weird .
Yeah , that's too bad . Too bad , so sad , but the idea of being like I don't think there's anything wrong , like there's nothing wrong with feeling the way that you feel about your body and it not being perfect .
As long as you're feeling those feelings .
So and being honest with it and and addressing it .
¶ Challenges and Misunderstandings of Self Confidence
Are there other things that are challenging about your self esteem or self confidence that you've gone through in this process ?
Well , my self confidence , even though it's a positive for me , sure comes off as a negative to other people . I actually very openly and I apologize to my sister in law , who was used to be my bestest friend , and we've gotten closer obviously since I've had bariatric surgery .
We have so many kids so that's hard but when she had bariatric surgery , which I supported her so much because I took her to her , I think there was a one week follow up . Yeah , I thought she was crazy that she was literally eating from like this one ounce cup whatever . But no , I supported her 100% .
But then she started losing her weight and she started getting more confident , started getting more positive and she would post things on Facebook and she still does good for her and I do too now Saying like if you stickers , by the way , if you prediction , if you can't love me for me or whatever , I don't need you in my life , right , I thought that was toxic
positivity and I openly said that to people . So , yes , I was mean girl in her . But recently I opened up to her and I said you know what ? I said this about you , but now I understand now you feel it Now .
I understand because because I'm also dealing with it yes , dealing with people thinking that my positivity is like fake or toxic and it's just like no , I just feel so stupid .
Good , I can cry about how I feel , so yeah , yeah , I think that's pretty insightful actually because , like you're basically saying , I realized that some of my I was judging people for their , for their expression of happiness , their expression of self , because I didn't understand it and I didn't know how to feel that or didn't feel that at the time .
Yeah , that's pretty that's pretty deep , so I tend to her um , she came off as , and I came off never , probably now come off as as , yeah , toxic positivity , or so it's like self centered . Yes , I am self centered because I prioritize myself , you know .
But the thing is , I think we have a culture that's very weird on this Self centered weird this ego thing and all this because we're not allowed to like talk about ourselves or be proud of ourselves , but yet we're supposed to have enough self confidence to like to take care of issues and bootstrap ourselves out of everything and be responsible people .
You can't really have it both ways like . You do have to have some level of self confidence to be a responsible person . Right for yourself and your family and your friends and what you do for work and all those things right . So you have to have .
You have to have some self confidence and it's super healthy to have self confidence and that's sometimes , yeah , threatening to people totally . And it's often threatening if you don't feel self-confident , because , again , like I'll just go back to Like you know , in a personal state where I don't , if I don't feel good , I kind of it's not healthy at all .
But all of us , I think , naturally we kind of see other people being happy and you're like , oh , I want to be happy . Why are they so happy ?
and also like what's crazy is like I I sometimes am just like I feel like I haven't changed a whole lot , sometimes like , as you said , like memorials are still there . I feel like my Whatever is . And then people have said you've changed so much , and then I ask how ? And they just don't even know . Really .
They give a roundabout answer Like , oh , I don't think they even understand and I think it really just is geared around like I'm going to prioritize myself , right , I'm gonna be selfish right , I'm be selfish , right , and being selfish in a way that that helps you is sort of like when the mask comes down in the airplane .
And you're told you have to put the mask on yourself first before you put it on your kids or your neighbor
¶ Bariatric Surgery
or whatever .
Yeah , yeah , and you do and it's so hard .
I know it's hard to wrap your head around , yeah , and I imagine as a parent it's hard to do that .
I think as an adult it's hard to do that , as a woman it's hard to do that , and I feel this , I don't know like I really really shared that feeling a lot with you to me , and so I'm glad because , like I'm going through a little bit of a rough time right now myself , and you've been a huge source of support and friendship for me right now and I really
appreciate it because it would make me so much more insecure and so much just Vulnerable to my emotions In a way that , yeah , in a way that thankfully I , you know I have support like you and friends and things . So thank you .
Well , I suggest everybody um go . If you're having a bad day , go on to chat gpt , oh yeah right , we found this today . This is great . Write me a bio . You put your name , what you do . Yes , hobbies are what . Any accomplishments , anything that thing will hype you . It is hype , hype . It is your hype man , it is nuts Uh .
I okay sidetrack .
Sorry , it is a good hype man , it is , that's true , um . But so , even though , um , some of my insecurities have gone away , my husband's insecurities have gotten higher . Okay , so people are , my self-confidence yeah . Oh yeah , um .
So , and sometimes that can cause some fights , like luckily he's like now I don't bash myself as much anymore , like I sure don't have anything to wear . I look ugly in this , I'm too fat for this , these jeans don't look good I , and then I just stay home .
But and I've even said this to a patient's husband yeah , I read the room , I , I knew the people I worked I was talking to . Our patients are our family and I , because I wanted the husband to know this Um , he was very , very small . He is a marathon runner , apparently .
I always had pictures of my husband and my kids behind my dad and I said , okay , so you see , you see my husband over there . He's pretty good looking man , like um he's . He's very attractive . He looks like he'd be a very , very secure man . Yeah , but he's not . And so I said just be prepared , he's human .
It's not that he's not secure , it's that he's human and you're changing . Well , yeah .
No , but yeah , yeah , he's got some .
He's got some work to do . Everyone , everyone , everyone's got this like . And guys , we do not talk about the fact that guys have as much insecurity , as absolutely no and it is not like it is super Okay and it is super Normal . And I again one of the things I wish we would talk about more Guys have feelings too .
Oh yeah , absolutely . And so I told that husband that you need to mentally prepare yourself for your wife who is going to have bariatric surgery . Whom is not everybody's cup of tea , like physically attraction not that she shouldn't be , but everybody has their cup of tea .
It might be more people's cup of tea after she loses her weight , like I've been approached more in a bar now in the past year than I have my whole life . I don't know . But again , maybe I'm more approachable . But , um , that makes my husband really , really insecure that I'm going to find someone else .
And you've expressed how much you love this person , how much you are dedicated as a person , no matter what , and all those things . And it's it's funny because you're right , like this person didn't change , but because you changed right , it kind of un Covers some things for some of the people around you , whether it's friends or family or others .
It's it's so interesting because they didn't change but they're going through the change with you Exactly .
Oh yeah , absolutely , and we're we're trying to convince my husband to be on the show here .
Yeah , right , and obviously we , we this isn't helping , I'm sure , but no , no boy will get in one day .
No , he , he . So we were taught . We asked him I needed Maria's to hear out of his mouth that it was okay for me to talk about our Um , struggling sex life . And he's like , yeah , it's true , like wow , you're that .
You guys are so crazy . I think in a positive way , because , again , tavis object . People do not want to talk about that .
Even in therapy sessions .
People don't want to talk about that because it is so personal and so rough sometimes . I cannot believe you guys have the balls to do that . I'm so like , I'm so thankful because , again , I think when we talk about those things , we normalize what other people want to talk about and we normalize what other people are experiencing .
What we're experiencing is what other people experience to yeah , a lot of people and I , yeah , I mean like I think through this experience I have gotten to share things I normally wouldn't wouldn't have .
I'm right of you too .
Well , thanks , and I think you definitely have , and I think it takes a lot of guts to do that .
Well , I just want to give Other patients the content that I did not have . I wanted to know yeah , I wanted to hear about people having mental health issues because I had huge risk factors right , I have Witness some , you know mental health issues after bariatric surgery that I wanted to Try to prevent , and so there was nothing out there .
Luckily , our mental health provider is so very she is .
Oh , I can't wait . Watching multiple of ours are great .
We've got some really great people and so another like negative is that , obviously , bariatric surgery is an emotional roller coaster journey and I feel , like Myself and my husband Previously , very , very emotionally immature Okay , no emotional intelligence , because we were raised in households that kids are seen and
¶ Emotional Intelligence and Support in Relationships
not hurt . Okay you know you can't have big feelings at all .
No space for that right . We're in a Russian background .
So and so now , with my journey and you know , just becoming so much more educated and how to Help myself and whatnot , I feel like my emotional intelligence and emotional maturity Awareness sure is so much there . Sure , meanwhile , my husband is still , he was . We always joke , even his mom jokes that , like the whole , all the men were raised by werewolves .
Oh , I love it , you know well , sometimes I feel like I was raised by werewolf .
No no .
Condolences to my mom . Actually , no , that sounded really not , not how I wanted to sound . It's just that . You know , I think we all we act out of a lot of defensiveness sometimes myself personally very much calling myself out on that .
It takes it's really tough to be self-aware , but I think , tim , like one of the things that I was so impressed by and I did you are right , I saw this change in you over the past year and a half was that you did become more self-aware and Out of that awareness , you were able to help other people and more because you were able to create Structure in our
program and experience . Yeah , that was safe for other people , it was honest . That was a witness to people's difficulties and and the positive , and because people need to be witnessed for both right the positive absolutely .
But kind of rounding about with , like me , becoming more emotional , immature and more self-aware and so I have better self-regulation . So , like , the patience I have with my kids is just so much more because I have learned that , like kids are still learning how to Express their emotions yes , I just learned how to .
I still explode sometimes but , yes , I cannot expect my kid , who is having a heart big , big feeling , to not scream on the top of his lungs and no other person should . Right , if sometimes I can't even handle that right . And so my , my husband very , and he he will openly say this that he is something his patients level is is lessened .
He does , he actually does very , very well and if he does something he is self-aware that he did not like that and he has . I'm very proud of him that there was a time With our son that our male son is a spitfire . Everybody loves him but boy is he .
He's the one that teach me that all kids cannot be parented the same and I can never judge a parent for a screaming child .
So you have one .
I'm saving grace , but um there was a time when he was having very big emotions . He is very defiant . He is very he is not afraid of you at all , ever , and so my husband overreacted a little bit and that in the and then about . I saw it on his face , the second that he just went a little overboard . He felt horrible for it .
I'm proud of him for that . But yeah , he's still working . Yeah , so I'm still a little ahead , and so sometimes it's we . There's a clash , sometimes at that .
Yeah , yeah .
Yeah , and so um , and I communicate better and I want more feelings . Blue card blue colored men have no like . They show no emotion because they're stigmatized Absolutely but guess what ? I want your emotions , because I want to know what's wrong , right , I want to help you you know what's cool is in our program .
A lot of times Spouses would come together so we would have somebody who was doing surgery and then their spouse would come , and they're always welcome . I think that's super great .
I have been in the hospital .
That's fair . You should think it out of the most where you don't want to be in one .
I get it , we've got .
Believe me , I love my jam , but it is not most people's jam , but the idea being like , when people are going to go in , going to go on this journey together , it can be really helpful for everyone to know what's expected , what's not expected , what's involved , how to get help , how to help each other .
I remember , actually , one of our patients brought her husband into one of her last visits and the husband was super skeptical about this bariatric surgery thing and he was like I don't know , and all of this , and I've heard the divorce rates are higher and all this .
And .
I said you're not wrong , you know , and I asked you know and I even mentioned I . I said I'm so proud that you're here , because the fact that you're asking these questions they're worried about it that you're here with her , that you're showing up .
That says more than anything else possibly could about the fact that you love each other Absolutely , but you're here for each other , that you want to understand what you're both getting into mm-hmm , and that it is Ultimately up to you to decide how to grow together .
Yeah , through this new experience , but that man was showing some emotional intelligence of like .
This is how I feel and I'm telling you how I feel . Yes , where my husband .
I could and he will agree with this , I can . I can say we're doing whatever we're doing , and he's like right ?
well , you know everyone . Yeah everyone's on a different journey , absolutely one , a different journey , but it's tough and I think the self-confidence changes that , that the patients have through this , that people have going through this .
You do have to remember that other people are going on this journey with you , mm-hmm , and sometimes they're not gonna be on the same step that you are , like you're saying , oh , absolutely so let's and not a more .
I will say my husband absolutely loves that I have more energy and willingness to do social activities though he said I , he yeah , he said he's like I was not ready for just the flip of the switch . So literally , you would much rather just go to a dive bar and hang out with our friends , or now I'm gonna be dragging that boy to line dances .
Yes , but that's gonna go out of this comfort zone . So much .
But yeah , I yeah he is not ready for the willingness there , but again , he also does like . He does . Like that I'm more confident and don't put myself down as much . But I feel like my confidence has hindered his self confidence . Now I feel he comments on his weight more than he ever has .
Oh , interesting , I mean he's got a little more of a dad , but but he his BMI guaranteed . Not that BMI is whatever . But , he is a very . Yeah , he's healthy . Yeah , he's a healthy weight .
Definitely Well and let's . This isn't necessarily to end on this note . We will actually do a separate podcast , or maybe multiple , about men and bariatrics and men and weight we're gonna have some .
Yeah , because I think that this is super under discussed the fact that men also have body and self-esteem issues that are really tied around weight and the same things that women go through to . We just don't really see them very often in our offices .
We don't really talk about it the same way , but I hope to create a space for people to talk about that too .
Yeah , absolutely . Maybe my husband will open up a little bit more of like what I think he's asked so many questions while I've been on this .
Look , he just listened today for the first time to the podcast and he got another trucker Well he hold on , hold on , hold on , no more . And I'm not bashing For the first second .
This guy listen okay , and he's asking me why is there only two ? Oh , my goodness look at that .
You have the thirst on your hands . I love it . No , but he listened . He was like I learned this and this and this . I didn't know this and that , and how cool is that ? How ?
cool . Were you listening when I was teaching ?
Yes , I'm not Well okay , look he's . He's done a lot of yeah , and adults take multiple times to hear something before it becomes absorbed . We're all like that .
I mean he's , he is so supportive . Because how many Husband ? Okay , he is skeptical about all the things , right , but how many Husbands are like , oh , you're spending your time , your day off like ?
Working on a podcast .
Where's the benefit of what you doing with your life ?
Also , I feel a little the same way too , but no , but I think it's really Cool of you to talk about some of the difficult things , because it isn't just all roses . It isn't just all like oh , my self-confidence is amazing and everything's perfect and I'm healed . That's not how it goes .
Yeah , and other people are gonna go on this journey with you and they need to understand it's gonna be ups and downs .
There are people out there looking for this information of wanting to know , to know what to prepare for . Yeah , because , honestly , if I knew this was such a mental , yeah , honestly , I feel like most of this journey is a mental journey , like I would have dug even deeper with the RIT .
Honestly , yeah , I've done a lot of self-help and so , but , yes , Well , Tammy , thanks for going on a journey with us today .
And mental health and Self-confidence .
¶ Podcast Promotion and Farewell
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See you next time . Bye , bye .