Cool Zone Media.
Hello, and welcome to Cool People Did Cool Stuff, your weekly podcast that is usually one thing and this week is a different thing. I'm your host, Margaret KILCHREI and with me today as my guest, It's Francesca. Hi. How are you Hi.
I'm really well. I mean kind of, I'm not well, but like doing this show and doing something different than news cycle made me say that I'm really well. And also I haven't seen you in a while, and I'm excited because I loved being on this show last time, and I loved having you on my podcast, Thebituation Room that everyone should check out.
But hell, yeah, well done.
Why is it? Thank you a little plug there? Why is it different today? What are we doing?
Well? I decided that every now and then I need to have weeks where I don't write half a novella's worth of research every single week, and so sometimes I need to just read folklore, eh eh oh, because yeah
it's funny. Actually you were talking about, like one of the reasons that I like doing this show is it even though it's about political stuff and how people do things, it's usually like one hundred years ago, right, and so like I don't have to necessarily have that same doom cycle that you do with your show that everyone should check out. You can find me on any cycle news. Yeah,
and and folklore. I feel like ties into that because a lot of the times when I do research episodes, I get once you get like six hundred years in the past, You're like, look, this is what we think. You know, it's not true. We don't know what's true. It was six hundred years ago. Like all of the things that are written about are propaganda, you know, So like the line between folklore and history, I would argue, yeah,
is porous. That is my elaborate defense about how today this week we're going to extend the spooky season and talk about witches and vampires.
Yes, oh my god, I just started rewatching Interview with the Vampire, which is like the hernious movie of the nineties and also so canceled for a million different reasons.
Oh, I haven't rewatched it.
Yeah, And also just like really gay and horny, which is great and like it's Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt and uh yeah, it's it's canceled for other reasons, but it's great. So and I've seen all the Twilights, which I assume is the bar for being able to speak with authority.
On Yeah, I think vampires. Yeah, that's the main thing that we're going to talk about today is actually yeah, well okay, it's funny because we'd be like, vampires don't twinkle, like, well, vampires don't do anything because they're not real. But beyond that,
like one of the things. And actually, because the style of vampire stories we're going to read mostly on Wednesday, not today, you're going to have to hear about witches first, yes, but the line between witches and vampires is actually really blurry, and like all of the specific stuff like vampires can't do this and they can do that and all that stuff. It's always been messy, it's always changed. It's not like Dracula is a traditional vampire and Twilight is non traditional vampires,
I mean to some degree. But the idea of the vampire is the like suave, sexy aristocrat is a little bit newer and also really politically charged. And why is the witch like the cat lady? It's like, who like has cobwebs in her vagina? Like come on now, like why can't she be hot and horny? And you know, the second time I said, horny and inside of how many minutes are we running? Well, we're talking about witches and vampires, so there's no other.
Option now, I yeah, well this is m I'm so excited. I'm so excited I won't interrupt.
No, it's okay, I mean, well, okay, So first we're gonna talk about witches. And this came up because I just did this whole episode on the history of Halloween and Sooen and all hollows tied and spooky season holidays, and I was like, thought, I was going to read a bunch of folklore on it. And so I started reading all these stories and I liked some of them a lot, but they didn't quite tie in. But I was like, well, I want to read them anyway because
they're really interesting to me. Did you know about witches and sieves? Sieves? Sieves? You know the thing you strain water through colander? Yeah? Basically no. No, So there's all of this connection between witches and sieves I did not expect. Okay, And so I'm going to read a story that it's from Ireland. It's called The Horned Women. Most of the
versions that I'm using. Oh, speaking of horny anyway, Most of the versions I'm going to be using are from a lot of the folklore that I end up reading was like collected and usually the late nineteenth early twentieth century, or sometimes the mid nineteenth century by various folkloress where they go around and are like, tell me you're weird, wacky beliefs. I'm a good modern person who also read wacky beliefs.
All right, how do you live when they're just like, we're just rural and poor?
But yeah, okay, yeah totally. And so this first story, it was actually collected in a book that Yates frequent, not hero of the pod, but just sort of shows up in the weird background. He was obsessed with collecting Irish folklore, and so he and a couple other people collected a book and so this is from that. It's called The Horned Women.
Are you going to read it in an Irish accent?
No? I wish I could do an accent to save my life. But if someone held a gun to my head and was like speak British or die, I'd be like, I gouvna don't shoot me in Mamela no funny like hostage did you suation?
Like of like you must do an impeccable posh accent, yeah, you know, in order to live. And you're just like, oh, fish and Chip, and they're like nope, Like come.
On, yeah, what would be the accent that you would do to save your life? If someone was like, do an accent and die, well.
The problem is is that if it's a non white accent, then you're immediately canceled. So don't you sort of die.
And don't oh yeah, little death.
No, I here's here's the one that would be very I think Irish would be difficult. You know why because I always descend for between Jamaican and Irish, like I'll i'll be doing an Irish accent. I can't even do it anymore, and then it suddenly sounds Jamaica and like, I don't know why, Irish Jake it are really similar and those are both terrible accents. But like, either way, what I'm listening, I've i'm i'm the s'mores are over the fireplace.
Okay. I have read about why the Jamaican accent has to do with Irish accent and is a while ago, and so I'm probably gonna get this wrong, but it is something to do with the working class of Jamaica and like influence or the other the white poor people we are there were irish, I think, And if I'm wrong, then I'm wrong, and so don't take this as fackt okay. But the weirdest thing anyone I know has ever been mugged for. I swear at some point I'm gonna read
this story. Some of my friends were once mugged for push ups. What they were walking home middle of the night. Some guys came up with a gun and were like, I think. They were like, give us some money, and my friends are like, we don't have any money. Were punks. Yeah, And then the people were like, bullshit, give me twenty push ups and made my friends do twenty push ups. And then we're like, all right, you're cool. You did twenty push ups.
We have a gun.
Yeah, uh huh oh damn yeah.
See that would be rough. I would probably get to twelve and then I'd need like a water break.
I feel like the gun would count as the water break for me.
No, for sure, he would the adrenaline, would you Yeah? No?
No.
I always used to think was like what if my mom was in dangered like do.
Doo doo doo doo.
And then and I'd always I remember when I was little, like run to the bus like that, or run really far, and then I eventually lose steam, and I'd.
Be like, oh, you killed her any pretty much killed your mom.
I did.
This is a story about impossible tasks that have been set upon people. That was my clever transition that I totally planned, all right. Horned women. A rich woman sat up late one night carding and preparing wool, while all the family and servants were asleep. Suddenly a knock was given at the door, and a voice called, open, open,
Who is there, said the woman of the house. I am the witch of one horn, was answered The mistress, supposing that one of her neighbors had called and required assistance, opened the door, and a woman entered, having in her hand a pair of wool carters and burying a horn on her forehead as if growing there. She sat down by the fire in silence and began to card the wool with violent haste. Suddenly she paused and said aloud,
where are the women? They delay too long? Then a second knock came to the door, and a voice called out as before open Open. The mistress felt herself obliged to rise and open the call, And immediately a second witch entered, having two horns on her forehead and in her hand a wheel for spinning wool. Give me place, she said, I am the witch of two horns, and
she began to spin as quick as lightning. And so the knocks went on, and the call was heard, and the witches entered, until at last twelve women sat round the fire, the first with one horn, the last with twelve horns.
Whoa, yeah, like, where do they all?
Where are they coming from?
I'm with your head, the back of your head. Maybe they sleep like as are they smaller?
Yeah? They sleep like baths? Okay, yeah, keep going. Yeah. And they carted the thread and turned their spinning wheels, and wound and wove, all singing together an ancient rhyme. But no word did they speak to the mistress of the house. Strange to hear and frightful to look upon where these twelve women with their horns and their wheels. And the mistress felt near to death, and she tried to rise, that she might call for help, But she could not move, nor could she utter a word or
a cry. For the spell of the witches was upon her. Then one of them called to her an irish, and said, rise woman, and make us a cake. What a fucking mastard, Just misogynist witch right there, making that woman that's not in the story. That's my all right.
Yeah, how are you gonna like after just giving you place, like to spin your little wool? Yeah and be all horned up?
Yeah. So the mistress searched for a vessel to bring water from the well that she might mix the meal and make the cake. But she could find none, and they said to her, take a sieve and bring water in it. Woo eh. And she took the sieve and went to the well, but the water poured from it and she could fetch none for the cake. And she sat down by the well and wept. Then a voice came by her and said, take yellow clay and moss and bind them together, and plaster the sieve so that
it will hold. This. She did, and the sieve held the water for the cake. And the voice said again, return, and when thou comest to the north angle of the house, cry aloud three times, and say the mountain of the Fenian women and the sky over it is all on fire. And she did so When the witches inside heard the call, a great and terrible cry broke from their lips, and they rushed forth with wild lamentations and shrieks, and fled
away to Slievenamon, where was their chief abode. But the spirit of the well bade the mistress of the house to enter and prepare her home against the enchantments of the witches if they returned again. And first, to break their spells, she sprinkled the water in which she had washed her child's feet, the feet water outside of the door. You kept that right, No, the feet water.
Yeah. Obviously, every time I give my baby a bath, I'm like, ooh, this is the feet water.
Yeah.
And then I store in jars.
Yeah, to give to your kid when they become.
I'm gonna yeah, I mean it's part of the dowry when I, you know, pay pay the family to take her in and marry her off.
Here is the baby's feet water, yeah, exactly, because.
I won't have money. It'd be that in like a little cut of my patreon anyway.
So and first to break their spells, she sprinkled the water in which she had washed her her child's feet, the feet water outside the door on the threshold. Secondly, she took the cake, which in her absence, the witches had made of meal mixed with the blood drawn from the sleeping family.
Ooh, yeah, they killed the family. Thought okay, good, okay, Oh my god.
Well, this is part of why the witches and the vampires went together. I thought it was gonna be all witches. There is a seamless transition between these two.
Okay.
But and she broke the cake into bits and placed a bit in the mouth of each sleeper. Yeah they're not dead, They're just had some blood drawn.
Oh okay, okay, yeah.
And they were restored. And she took the cloth they had woven and placed it half in and half out of the chest with the padlock. And lastly she secured the door with a great crossbeam fastened in the jams, so that the witches could not enter. And having done these things, she waited. Not long were the witches and coming back, and they raged and called for vengeance. Open open, they screamed, open feet water. Damn they called you feet water.
Well they were talking to the feet water, because yeah, shut up, the feet is our sench feet water sentient. Oh my god, yeah, I cannot said the feet water. I am scattered on the ground, and my path is down to the low open open wood and trees and beam, they cried to the door. I cannot said the door, for the beam is fixed in the gems and I have no power to move. Open open cake that we
made and mingled with blood, they cried again. I cannot said the cake, for I am broken and bruised, and my blood is on the lips of the sleeping children.
Oh cake, week though, yeah, cake kind of weak.
Then the witches rushed through the air with great cries and fled back to Sleeveniman, uttering strange curses and on the spirit of the well who had wished their ruin. But the woman and the house were left in peace, and a mantle dropped by one of the witches in her flight was kept hung up by the mistress and memory of that night, And this mantle was kept by the same family from generation to generation for five hundred years after.
Wait, what was on the mantle? The feet water? Wait?
I forgot no, no, okay, so the feet water is on the doorstep right right. And because they were like, yo, you're inside feet water, you're our friend. Why don't you like come open? The door and they're like, ah, fuck, we're outside with you, right, and they can't do it. The mantle had the the mantle the shawl, I think basically one of the witches shawl. Ah, and so this shawl has been passed on for five hundred years, which is how we know it's true.
Well obviously, I mean if there's a shawl, you know, yeah, evidence that is evident. Yeah right there. This is when I'm like, I just want to be in the book club. I think this is the part where you tell me what it all means.
But I'm like, I spent so long looking for what this means.
What the fuck?
No one knows what it means. I mean, I'm sure someone out there has some ideas. I've read a lot of people's ideas. Mostly what it means is watch out for which is they'll fuck you up.
Yeah exactly, They'll they'll make you like get water and like put some weird clay in it.
Well okay, wait, see the witches were like get water, but she couldn't do it. So the spirit of the well helped her figure out how to do it. And so you actually there's multiple spiritual things.
I mean, yeah, which is unclear, but okay, so the well kind of swooped in. Yeah.
And so one of the traditional Irish folklore things is spirits and wells, and they're usually like positive spirits is like where like good fairies are hanging out basically, and you actually get all this interesting stuff where that tend of type of belief lasted way longer through syncreticism and like the Catholic takeover of Ireland as compared to a
lot of other stuff. And so you have this thing in like the late nineteenth century where like the Catholic Church was like, could you all stop having fairy wells and people were like, no, we like our fairy wells. No, and so like they would like make them into saint wells instead, be like, ah, this is like Saint as Is well and that's whotah steam.
Right right right? Oh, I love that. That's so perfect.
That's so perfectly Catholic. I mean, that's what they did around all over Latin America, which which kind of to the credit of Catholics, there's been a lot of like blood and gore, but there's been also a little bit of a like okay, fine, there's fairies and there's spirits and Wells, we can incorporate your indigenous and you're like sort of you know, pre inking in Latin America's case, like you know, religion, and then we'll just incorporate it.
And then like colonized people are like, okay, we'll just incorporate all the other people that want to come, you know, impose their religion on us onto our original thing, which is fairies in Wells.
Yeah, exactly, So I love that. Yeah, I'm such a sucker for syncretism. Everyone who's been listening, especially the last couple episodes, like hearing me talk about that all the time. Like, I'm such a sucker for the way that these things like blend and shift and like how we like almost don't even know what's original and what's like comes from like you know, there's like no purity and then even like any like folk tradition is also always shifting, and I don't know, I'm a big sucker for it.
Where did lucky charms come from? Ireland? Irish people? Yeah, exactly who put marshmallows in cereal?
First?
No? Yeah, I don't know. Here's the thing about fairy tales that always sort of like weird me out, but maybe makes sense. It's a little bit like it. This story goes like a horror film, right, which is like this person is trapped by these sort of other worldly creatures and they kind of keep doing the thing and you're watching it unfold and you're like, just go away, totally. Yeah, you know what I mean, star, don't you know, I
don't need water. Don't get them water because they're gonna make the cake into the evil cake.
And then no, no, yeah.
But but this of course has the twist, which is like every horror film, you know, you did something utilizing this extra worldly figure's own weapon against it, right, you killed it for now, But then there's still that little mantle, the reminder, the shawl that's like, ooh, this is gonna be a great franchise, you know, like this yeah, totally evil shawl, you know, and will have many sequels. But
there's always like the little button of every folklore. It seems like in every horror movie, really is the button of this phantom or demon or whatever it was it was, the villain in the story is always kind of gonna stay there, like it's always like a hand doll that's still cackling.
Totally, and when you asked me earlier about one of what the story means. One of the other things I ran across a little bit and is also some of my own inference, is that a lot of witch stuff is a fear of the wild women, right, It's a fear of the women who live outside of especially like modern civilization and the church. And so you have whereas the well is like more fully incorporated the ones who's
had orgasms. I mean, that's yeah, exactly what I'm saying. Yeah, And so it's like, here's the women who live alone on the mountain, right, yeah. And then so they come down and they're doing this terrible thing where they're weaving, you know, and like and it's a rich woman. It's like, how much of this is like, you know, cause a lot of fear of the pagan Irish is part of fear of the Catholic Irish, and like it gets into it and I don't quite I wanted more about this
particular story, and I couldn't. I have yet to find it. I've only read so many books about this kind of shit, you know, But.
Well, what are we talking about with pagan like in terms of paganism, Like where does that fit in as someone who doesn't know shit about history, like like where are we in that? Like when did this story come out?
Well, before I answer that question, I'm going to tell you about sweet sweet deals on stuff that like haunted mantles and sieves that you can keep water in. So here's those and we're back. Okay. So this particular story is mid nineteenth century, maybe end of nineteenth century. I forgot right down the specific year, but it's and it was collected by Yates went around and he collected all these Irish folk stories and then he like in the first couple of books of it, he's like kind of
a dick about it. He's like, look at these backwards people, right, sure, But then by the end he's like, I believe in this shit. I'm in a cultist now, I like have joined the I can't remember which occultist order he joined,
but he joined one of the occultist orders. He's like, sketchy, I'm not trying to like, but but oh, I think it's in one of the footnotes of the stories that didn't end up including he wrote a footnote that's like about a character named Seamus, and it's like, I really wish I had the quote directly in front of me, but it's the footnote is like, the Celtic vocal chords are incapable of producing the sound of the letter J. So therefore Irish people instead of John are named Sean
and instead of James are named Seamus. And so he's like explaining why this character's named Seamus by saying that Celtic people are incapable, like their vocal chords are developed wrong.
You know, I love it weird.
Okay, So that's one which story and you already have a little bit of the vampire shit, right, they're drawing blood out of the kids. Now I'm gonna go over to Russia. And then this is the same time period and instead these were collected in a kind of similar style of book, although we spookier overall, Like I feel like the Irish stuff is like otherworldly and haunting, and then the Russian shit is like everyone's gonna fucking die
and they might not even fucking stay dead. This is fucking Russia, you know.
So there's a but it's better than what's going on in the living world. Yeah, that's true, sweet sweet death.
Yeah, so this story the witch Girl was written down by someone named W. R. S. Ralston in a book called Russian Fairy Tales and oh god, there's a and again this is a late nineteen This is.
Like some shit I would have discovered when I was like fourteen, and like really in a spooky story. So have you read the Russian shit?
Yeah? Yeah, exactly. No, I'm like I spent yeah, a while, like look, picking which stories I was going to pick to read today.
And like.
When I went to I was going through all the books on my shelf and stuff, and then I like got to the Russian one and there's like a section where it's just like the old gods the undead, and I'm like, man, why did I wait so long to get to the Russian parts? But this is a very different way of dealing with a witch, and we'll talk about how connects to vampires the witch girl. Late one evening, a Cossack rode into a village, pulled up at its last cottage, and cried, hey, master, will you let me
spend the night here? Come in if you don't fear death?
What sort of a never mind? I'm cool, Yeah, I'll just go ask the next house down.
I would probably be my response, Yeah, you know what I mean my horse could ride all night like fuck it, Like, yeah, exactly.
I've got a lantern. We'll just sleep outside. I love the stars.
Yeah. What sort of a reply is that? Thought the cossack as he put his horse up in the stable after he had given it its food, and went into the cottage. There he saw its inmates, which is such a way to call the people who live somewhere. Yeah, there he saw its inmates, men and women and little children, all sobbing and crying and praying to God. And when they had done praying, they began putting on clean shirts.
What are you crying about, asked the cossack. Why you see, replied the master of the house in our death goes about at night in whatsoever cottage she looks there. Next morning one has to put all the people who lived in it into coffins and carry them off to the graveyard. Tonight it's our turn.
Yeah, like I was saying, I'm sure there's another town, just like a few miles down the road. So good luck with all that.
Yeah, and.
Lovely town. I'll come back, Yeah, come back when you're not dealing with the whole death thing.
I'll write your tail. But yeah, I'll tell your story. Yeah, what was your name?
Anyway?
Gotta go Yeah, never fear master. Without God's will, no pig gets its fill, is what the cossack says. Mmm. The people of the house lay down to sleep, but the cossack was on the lookout and never closed an eye. That's nice, yeah, exactly. At midnight the window opened. At the window appeared a witch all in white. She took a sprinkler. I think this means like one of those like shaky holy stick, holy you know, the things that
you like walk around and like spray. No one can see me gesticulating except you, but.
Like a like a room diffuser.
I was sinking, like the like you know, you put holy water and the like stick on a yeah, ball and a stick. That's what I think a sprinkler is in this context. Okay, that's my best guess. She took a sprinkler, passed her arm into the cottage and was just on the point of sprinkling when the cossack suddenly gave his saber a sweep and cut her arm off close to the shoulder.
Oh.
The witch howled, squealed, yelped like a dog, and fled away. But the cossack picked up the severed arm, hid it under his cloak, washed away the stains of blood, and lay down to sleep.
Uh oh.
Next morning, the master and his mistress awoke and saw that everyone, without a single exception, was alive and well, and they were delighted beyond expression. If you like, says the cossack, I'll show you death. Called together all the Sotnicks and dat Nicks, which I don't know what, are as quickly as possible, and let's go through the village and look for her. Straight away, all the sat Knicks and Deastniks came together and went from house to house.
In this one, there's nothing, in that one, there's nothing. Until last they came to the Ponemer's cottage. Is all your family present, asked the cossack. No, my own. One of my daughters is ill. She's lying on the stove there. The cossack looked towards the stove. One of the girl's arms had evidently been cut off. Thereupon, he told the whole story of what had taken place, and brought out
and showed the arm which had been cut off. The commune rewarded the cossack with a sum of money and ordered that witch to be drowned.
That's why wit was this Wait, so I'm sorry, huh Was she a daughter someone's daughter? Yeah?
Yeah, yeah, the witch was just someone's daughter who's going around sprinkling into people's houses.
She was was she sprinkling? It was probably something good, probably some like you know, happy little fairy dust. But they're saying that. I don't know, I call bullshit on this one because we all know again, yeah, which is I think it was just she was trying out some sort of like you know, new potpourri, or like trying her own to make some perfume, or they hated her. I don't know, I don't I feel like the Cossack's not the hero in this.
Yeah, honestly, I have yet to read a history of that includes the Cossacks in which they are not the villains. Usually they are running around depressing people. So right, well, okay, but that is one of the things that's so interesting about fairy tales, right, Like the rich woman is the hero of the first one, the cossack is the hero of the second one. Like folk tales exist to like
replicate social values. You know. Yes, Now, don't get me wrong, if there's a witch going around door to door sprinkling death into people's houses. It might make sense to cut off her arm. It might even make sense to drown her. Might be I don't know, you know, we could try some kind of accountability process, you know, but.
She should at least I mean, do process, you know, totally have a trial.
Totally.
But like I said, like death was just the name of the perfume. Like it was like deaf by Witch.
Yeah, totally, and everyone like everyone ran out of the house and like went and sold it, you know, and that was like why yeah, it.
Was it was like the Avon of that time, you know. Yeah, I like like the witches were just like avon sellers.
Yeah.
For Yeah, here's the thing about this, it's just like, what are we supposed to understand? Is it just like celebrating a soldier or celebrating because that's what a cousic is, right basically.
Yeah, they're like a it's complicated and I don't have all the answers in but yeah, it's like mounted soldiers that are kind of from a culture of that, you know.
Right right right. But also anyway, it's like what is the witch come? Like, what are they supposed to teach you. What are we supposed to learn? Or is it just like, yeah, wily women, yeah are always going to try and like you know, that's what we're the death of you.
Yeah, you should beware of women, That is the lesson of this, because they're all witches, or at least some of them are, and you never know which ones, So you should probably lop off some people's arms.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I actually I am going to quote a little bit more from that book, a paragraph that sort of explains puts context around this. It's from the same book the Russian fairy tales. Stories of this kind are common in all lands, but the witches about whom they're told generally assume the forms of beasts of prey, especially of wolves or of cats. A long string of similar tales we found in doctor Wilhelm Hurst's excellent and exhaustive monograph
on were Wolves. Very important also is the Polish story told by Wosik of the village which is attacked by the plague, embodied in the form of a woman who roams from house to house in search of victims. One night, as she goes her rounds, all doors and windows have been barred against her except one casement. This has been left open by a nobleman who is ready to sacrifice himself for the sake of others. The pest maiden arrives and thrusts her arm her arm in at his window.
The nobleman cuts it off and so rids the village of its fatal visitor. In an Indian story, a hero undertakes to watch beside the couch of a haunted princess.
I don't know why the hero is like waiting behind a princess's couch. That doesn't seem very heroic. That seems kind of like stalker behavior.
Yeah, no, you know, totally. When all is still, a Rakshasa appears on the threshold, opens the door and thrusts into the room and arm, which the hero cuts off. The fiend disappears, howling leaves his arm behind. So apparently it's a whole thing cutting off motherfucker's arms.
Yeah that is uh, I guess that's how you get rid of them. But also, you know, remembering like like the pest witch. The pest girl.
Just sounds The pest.
Maiden sounds like a sex worker who or like an adult, like someone who a woman who tempts you? Who you know? I'm just imagining, like who's actually writing these things down? But maybe it is. Maybe it's like word of mouth, and obviously women and men, but I can only imagine it's like men writing this down, or like at least you know who are like, Oh, that pest maiden is going to tempt me, better cut off her arm. Yeah, so she can't touch my wi wei.
Yeah, that is more or less what a lot of this stuff comes down to. I got one more witch story, Let's do it. This one's another Russian story. It's called the Witch and this version comes from Andrew Lang from the Yellow Fairy Book. It's another nineteenth century book. Once upon a time there was a peasant whose wife died, leaving him with two children, a boy and a girl.
For some years, the poor man lived alone with his children, caring for them as best he could, but everything in the house seemed to go wrong without a woman to look after it. And at last he made up his mind to Mary. I know, right, I mean that's sort of true. Anyways, at last he made up his mind to marry again, feeling that a wife would bring peace and order to his household, and take care of his
motherless children, so he married. In the following years, several children were born to him, but peace and order did not come to the household, for the stepmother was very cruel to the twins and beat them and af starved them, and constantly drove them out of the house. For her one idea was to get them out of the way.
All day she thought of nothing but how she could get rid of them, And at last an evil idea came into her head, and she determined to send them out into the great gloomy wood where a wicked witch lived. And so one morning she spoke to them, saying, you have been such good children that I'm going to send you to visit my granny, who lives in a dear little hut in the wood. Oh yeah, you will have to wait upon her and serve her, but you will be well rewarded, and for she will give you the
best of everything. So the children left the house together, and the little sister, who is very wise for her years, said to her brother, we will first go to see our own dear grandmother and tell her where our stepmother is sending us.
Hm, smart, smart, leave it to the sister.
Yep, And when the grandmother heard where they were going, she cried and said, you poor motherless children. How I pity you, and yet I can do nothing to help you. Yeah, I'm not what, Yeah, I don't know.
Oh only, but you know that your stepmother, you know she she lets me borrow all her jewels and wear her handbags.
Yeah, totally. Yeah, Sorry, your stepmother is not sending you to her granny, but to a wicked witch who lives in that great gloomy Wood. Now listen to me, children, You must be civil, unkind to everyone, and never say a crossword to anyone, and never touch a crumb belonging to anyone else. Who knows if, after all, help may not be sent to you. And she gave her grandchildren a bottle of milk and a piece of ham and a loaf of bread. And they set out for the
great gloomy Wood. When they reached it, they saw in front of them, in the thickest of the trees, a queer little hut. And when they looked up into it, there lay the witch, with her head on the threshold of the door, with one foot in one corner and the other in the other corner, and her knees cocked up almost touching the ceiling.
Okay, well, first of all, honey, you need a bigger place.
I know. And so this is actually one of the reasons I wanted to do this. One last year for Halloween, I did an episode with Jamie Loftus where we talked about Bobby Yaga, the famous Russian witch uh huh. And this is really interesting to me because this is totally a Bobba yagas story. They just don't call her that, but a lot of the same shit, Like Bobby Aga is like weird and fits strange in her house and when she lays down, her huge nose touches the ceiling and like.
Yeah, that's a great pronunciation. I was just gonna say Bobby Yaga, But Bobby Yaga is even that's like a that's like a brand.
Yeah, you know, I looked it up before I did the episode last time. And so I've become that pedant where like all my friends are talking about Bobby Yaga and I'm like, Babba yeah ga, and and it's really fun. Everyone really likes me. And that's why I live alone in the woods, in the Gloomy Wood. I do live in the gloomy wood by myself. It's very nice. Honestly, I have a dog. It's not so bad. Yeah.
Do witches ever have dogs?
Usually?
Not?
Usually cats? But this is a mistake. I think all all of these creatures are welcome. Dogs are great, a little bit more, you know, less lonely with it. I mean, cats are good. I'm not talking shit, but anyway, who's there? She snarled in an awful voice when she saw the children, and they answered civilly, though they were so terrified that they hit behind one another and said, good morning, granny. Our stepmother has sent us this way, sent us to wait upon you and serve you. See that you do
it well? Then growled the witch. Oh, if I am pleased with you, I'll reward you. But if I am not, I'll put you in a pan and fry you in the oven. That's what I'll do with you. You, my pretty deers, you have been gently reared, but you'll find my work hard enough, see if you don't.
Yeah, but they've been living with their stepmom, so I feel like, yeah, like this is going to be maybe an upgrade for them, right, Yeah, we don't eat back at home, so yeah.
Totally at least we'll get to eat one of us, you get to eat the other if it goes.
Wrong, exactly, exactly finally.
Yeah, and so saying, she set the girl down a spin yard, and she gave the boy a sieve with which to carry water from the well. Again, yeah, that's that's the other reason I included this because I like one of my whole things I love about history and folklore and stuff is like finding the weird connections, you know, And so that this is both a Bobby a Gus story, and it has the sieve thing totally into it. Gave the boy a sieved with which to carry water from
the well, and she herself went out into the wood. Now, as the girl was sitting at her distaff distaff which is some fucking spinning thing, weeping bitterly because she could not spin, she heard the sound of hundreds of little feet, and from every hole in the corner in the hut, mice came pattering along the floor, squeaking and saying, little girl, why are your eyes so red? If you want help, then give us some bread. And the girl gave them
the bread that her grandmother had given her. Then the mice told her that the witch had a cat, and the cat was very fond of ham. If she would give the cat her ham, it would show her the way out of the wood, and in the meantime they would spin the yarn for her. So the girl set out to look for the cat, and as she was hunting about, she met her brother in great trouble because he could not carry water from the well in a sieve, as it came pouring out as fast as he put
it in. And as she was trying to comfort him, they heard a rustling of wings, and a flight of wrens alighted on the ground beside them, and the wrens said, give us some crumbs, then you need not grieve, for you'll find that water will stay in the sea. I think it's pronounced sieve, but honestly is a translation anyway,
so maybe nineteenth century British guy, I don't know. Then the twins crumbled their bread on the ground, and the wrens pecked it and chirruped and chirped, And when they had eaten the last crumb, they told the boy to fill up the holes in the sieve with clay, and then to draw water from the well. So he did what they said, and carried the sieve full of water
into the hut without spilling a drop. When they entered the hut, the cat was curled up on the floor, so they stroked her and fed her with ham and said to her, pussy, gray pussy, tell us how we are to get away from the witch. Then the cat thanked them for the ham and gave them a pocket handkerchief and a comb, and told them that when the witch pursued them, as she certainly would, all they had to do was throw the handkerchief on the ground and
run as fast as they could. As soon as the handkerchief touched the ground, a deep, broad river would spring up, which would hinder the witch's progress. If she managed to get across it, they must throw the comb behind them and run for their lives, for where the comb fell, a dense forest would start up, which would delay the witch so long that they would be able to get
safely away. And so this is another part that's part of another fucking Bobby a Gos story that I read last year, only in that one they're like underground and it's a lesbian story that won't admit it's a lesbian story. The cat had scarcely finished speaking when the witch returned to see if the children had fulfilled their tasks. Ooh, just in the nikka time. Shut up, cat, I know right well, you have done well enough for today, she grumbled.
But tomorrow you'll have something more difficult to do, and if you don't do it well, you pampered brats straight into the oven.
You go, Oh, I feel like you got to kill the mice and the cats, and which can be fucked up because they just helped you. So what do you do anyway?
Oh? Yeah, if that's the task, Oh my god, that was brutal.
Skin the cat.
You should write folklore. It would be terrifying. Half dead with fright and trembling in every limb, the poor children laid down to sleep in a heap of straw in the corner of the hut, but they dared not close their eyes and scarcely ventured to breathe. In the morning, the witch gave the girl two pieces of linen to weave before night, and the boy a pile of wood to cut into chips. Then the witch left them to their tasks and went and went out into the wood.
As soon as she had gone out of sight, the children took the comb and the handkerchief, and taking one another by the hand, they started and ran and ran and ran. It's important that they ran three times. Yeah, I actually really like that style of writing. And first they met the watch dog. Oh I was wrong, which is totally have dogs. See, I'm sure it was going
to be a good guy. And at first they met the watchdog who was going to leap on them and tear them to pieces, but they threw the remains of their him, and he ate them and wagged his tail. Then they were hindered by the birch trees, whose ban branches almost put their eyes out, but the little sister tied the twigs together with a piece of ribbon and they got passed safely, and after running through the wood,
got out into the open fields. In the meantime, in the hut, the cat was busy weaving the linen and tangling the threads as it wove, and the witch returned to see how the children were getting on, and she crept up to the window and whispered, are you weaving, my dear, Yes, granny, I am weaving, answered the.
Cat, Oh, yeah, based cat, I know.
Cat's fucking looking out When the witch saw that the children had escaped her, she was furious, hitting the cat with a porringer. Margaret does not know what a porringer, and nor did she look it up, and she said, woo okay, so so the cat was just.
Like meam yamyamam yam out and like thinking that she was actually saying like, oh, yes, great, pretty weaving, and they were like, motherfucking cat. Yeah, like you know, you cannot sound like a human.
Yeah, you're a fucking cat. A porringer is a small bowl, typically with a handle, used for soup, stew, or other dishes. Traditionally a historically used word, can't believe that you didn't know that past. Margaret, let's see, hit the cat with a porringer and said, why did you let the children leave the hut? Why did you not scratch their eyes out?
Because you're a bitch?
Yeah, basically yeah. The cat curled up on its tail and put its back up and answered, I have served you all these years and you never even threw me a bone, but the dear children gave me their own piece of ham. Then the witch, yeah, right. Then the witch was furious that with the watchdog and the birch trees because they had let the children pass. But the dog answered, I've served you all these years, and you
never gave me so much as a hard crust. But the dear children gave me their own loaf of bread. This loaf of bread has lasted a lot, they have.
I was gonna say, like this pretty big love of bread, like I feel like a lot of people. Well yeah, I mean they were smart, they were like, there's definitely another creature around the corner that needs some of this little of breath.
But yeah, we're gonna say, also like a piece of ham.
I feel like Grandma could have given them like a like the whole ham.
I know, you know, I know, but Grandma was but hey maybe that's all she had. Yeah, oh yeah, no, I see. Oh they're good grandma. Yeah, yeah, totally.
Yeah good Grandma. Yeah not.
The witch and the birch rustled its leaves and said, I have served you longer than I can say, and you never tied a bit of twine even round my branches, and the dear children bound them up with their brightest ribbons. I don't know, I just want that, but apparently they do, so that's.
Yeah, we should tie them twine everybody on the trees.
Yeah that you love, Yeah, but not tightly around the trunk or you'll kill it.
No, I don't know, but you know how like some people decorate trees with like little crochet colorful things like that's cute. Yeah, I feel like trees are like we're like, oh okay, you know, like thank you.
Yeah. And that's actually why today's sponsor is stuff you can put on trees dot mm hm. I don't even remember the RL. You have to look at yourself. Just google stuff you can put on trees and you will find Today's It's a new app. Yeah, that's right here. I was thinking so old fashioned, you know, website. It's an app, it's virtual.
Yeah, it's mostly AI.
Yeah. And then whatever else comes after that, and we're back. So the witch saw that there was no help to be got from her old servants, and the best thing she could do was mount on her broom and set off in pursuit of the children. Here's actually a split from Babia Babbia Gay is going around a mortar and pestle. And as the children ran, they heard the sound of the broom sweeping the ground close behind them. So oh, that is actually no, that's a classic bobbia ga babbia ga would.
That's scary.
Yeah, babiya gau would would travel around and then sweep away her own tracks.
Oh smart, like a smooth smooth grimin yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.
And as the children ran, they heard the sound of the broom sweeping on the ground close behind them, so instantly they threw the handkerchief down over their shoulder, and in a moment, a deep, broad river flowed behind them. When the witch came up to it, it took her a long time before she found a place in which she could ford over on her broomstick. But at last she got across. Oh, she's not fucking flying. She's like riding the broomstick like a horse. I think, Yeah, that's as weird.
Maybe she's doing like a flintstone thing where her feet are like touching the ground. You can't even fly down. I feel like you're not gonna win at the end of this.
No, yeah, I have a feeling the kids are coming out ahead, But I don't know.
She sounds like a literal hobby horse exactly it horse. It's very very monty bybee uh huh.
But at last she got across and continued to chase faster than before. And as the children ran, they heard a sound, and the little sister put her ear to the ground and heard the broom sweeping the earth close behind them. So quick as thought, she threw the comb down on the ground, and in an instant, as the cat had said, a dense forest sprung up, in which the roots and branches were so closely intertwined that it
was impossible to force a way through. So when the witch came up to it on her broom, she found that there was nothing for it but to turn round and go back to her hut. But the twins ran straight on till they reached their own home. Then they told their father, I am then this is not a better place.
Uh huh.
Well, they told their father all that they had suffered, and he was so angry with their stepmother that he drove her out of the house and never let her return. But he and the children lived happily together, and he took care of them himself and never let a stranger come near them.
Look at this dad stepping up, you know, I know, Look at the dad at the end of the day being like, you know what I've been neglectful. Now what about his other children whose mom.
Dad is who is now driven away?
Yeah, huh, who's now driven away? Which I kind of like the idea that she goes to join the Witch and then they're just kind of this like you know, Patty and Selma of the Woods kind of like or she like teaches her her ways or like maybe the Witch was originally driven out as an evil stepmother.
I don't know.
Step moms get a bad rap. I've got a nice step mom, shall you know, she's she's a yeah, you know she's up there. But uh yeah, I don't know. I'm like, there's a there's a there's anyway. I didn't hate this witch. No, I just want I want to know her backstory. Like if I were to make this a film, I do want to know the Witch's backstory.
Yeah, absolutely, Like and that would be the good Like that would be like the fourth one in the movie, Like ten years later they make the one that's the backstory for the Witch where you're kind of on her side and they wreck on all this stuff.
Right, she doesn't But there's no excuse for not feeding exactly. There's no excuse for animal abuse, there's no excuse for not feeding your dog or your cat eating children. Also, maybe she was feeding the dog and cat like their food, their special dietary, proper food, and the cat was like, I want a ham, Like who knows my cat would definitely sell me out for a piece of ham?
Oh totally, And you've never fed me.
You're like, bitch, I feed you every day.
There's food in your bowl right now, witch food.
There's literally food in your bowl right now. It's not my fall, you're not eating it. I don't have ham, but yes, we'd who among us would not be sold out by our cats for a piece of ham.
And maybe the witch was just bluffing. Maybe like the witch was tired of like kids who had come for an apprenticeship as apprentice witches like would just leave right away, and so she was trying a little like tough love. She was like, I'm gonna put you in the oven if you don't learn how to do things that are like vaguely complicated like weave and stuff.
You know, Well, here's the other thing. Is like it would clearly if she puts them the other oven and eat them, she's not sharing them with the dog and cat because I'm sure they'd be like, you know, that might be tit. Who knows, it might be tasted in a piece of ham. But if they're not getting properly fit, you know, we don't have to dig into it too much. The point is is, uh, it's a little bit of a like don't neglect your kids, yeah story, But I
like this one. I liked it. I liked that they got helped out by the furry friends who like you know, turned on their master.
Yeah. Well, and one of the things a lot of the Bobby a. Gas style stories, and in particular, is there's this idea that like, well behaved kids survive, and so the way that they win is that they listen to their grandmother who's like, treat everyone nice even when they're being a bitch to you, right, and like not don't run away, like don't you know they still have good boundaries, right, but they are like they show up and are like super polite everyone in sharing and shit
like that. And so it's like a it's a sharing as caring and if you don't, you're going to get eaten by an evil witch.
Yes, yes, yes, yes yeah. Because they could have always not given their way their food.
To the to the animals, right, and then they wouldn't have had friends exactly.
I mean, I want to know what happened to the cat and the dog and the tree. Oh, you know above all?
Yeah, well, if you want to know more, No, I'm not going to talk about them anymo. I'm gonna talk about vampires, but I'm going to talk about them on Wednesday. But before that, we're going to talk about you. I'm gonna talk about the Situation Room.
Hell yeah, what do you want to know other than it's It is a podcast where activists and experts and comedians come on. We talked about the week's news. Lately, we've been talking a lot about Israel and Gaza. Naomi Klein was my most recent guest. She has a new book out called Doppelganger that actually spends a lot of time talking about Israel Palestine. It's beautifully written and it's
devastating and really fascinating. So yeah, Bituation Room wherever you get your podcasts, or you can watch live at Franni Feo on YouTube and Twitch Tuesdays and Friday's one pm Pacific four pm Easter.
Hell yeah, and if you want to follow, oh, if you want to hear me read more stories every Sunday the Cool Zone Media Book Club. I read fiction because that is now another thing that I do, and it is on this podcast feed, this very one you're already listening to, as well as that it could happen here feed, which you could also listen to when you do, you could use your week We're at round up from Situation Room, and then you're the equivalent of doom scrolling every weekday on it could happen here.
I need to listen to your stories because and read your stories because I'm in desperate need of good fiction and getting Although I know it is not always sunshine and rainbows, at least it won't be necessarily like witches or war criminals.
We actually and you know, we only have We've only put up so many episodes so far. I don't remember exactly when this one is coming out. We started about two months ago, right, and the first month is my novella that I'm reading called The Lami Slaughter of the Line, and it is witchcraft, but they're like, it's not this style.
And then a lot of the stories that we're reading are like kind of trying to find hope in apocalypse and in like climate change and things like that, like human stories that relate to all those things, And so I think that it is a It is a good It's not an antidote to the news because it doesn't like make you like forget the things are happening. But anyway, I hope that people like it.
But there's a story arc. There's no story arc. Time is a flat circle in the cycle.
Oh yeah, no, totally no. In the same way that like folklory, you're like, oh, man, another Siev. Whenever I do history, it's like, oh, another person died of tuberculosis, or oh another time people with authoritarian politics turned their backs on everyone and killed everyone.
You know, you're like another doculosis, yeah, or both. In the case of Mitch McConnell, although his was polio, we have to talk about the Babba yaga who's stalking Mitch McConnell, because, like, my god, that dude is seeing some kind of spirit. I don't know if it's a witch. I don't know if it's a vampire, but it is something otherworldly that dude's been experiencing Halloween, like twenty four to seven, specifically when he gives press conferences. Sorry to make it political, but.
I think he's the vampire.
Yeah, or he's the vampire yeah.
But we'll talk about that, well, not Mitch McConnell probably, but maybe on Wednesday.
Cool People Who Did Cool Stuff is a production of cool Zone Media. For more podcasts and cool Zone Media, visit our website Coolzonemedia dot com, or check us out on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.