Conversations with...A Therapist (Third Times the Charm)

asked you guys to submit some questions. So maybe if you don't have access to therapy, or if you just are looking to get some advice from a professional, I have an amazing therapist today, So please welcome Dr Hillary. Hello, um Hi, welcome back, Thank you, good to see you, Thanks for having me, Thank you for coming back. The last episode was obviously like really therapy cutic for me because I feel like we kind of talked about myself

more than I normally like to. Um, So I'm really excited for today because we're going to put the focus on the listeners and we have a ton of questions we didn't get to last time, so I kind of want to just dive right in if you're good with it. By the way, proud of you for being vulnerable last time. Thank you. It was tough. I was like scared to listen to it. Bag Oh my goh gosh, what did I say? Um, but I took it to Instagram. I know our social media for the podcast, which is Conversations

with Olivia Jade on Instagram. If you guys don't follow it, check it out so you guys can be in the loop for future episodes. But I'm going to start with the ones from actually today because I feel like it's cool to do the most recent questions, and you guys had some really really good questions for Dr Hillary, and I think we're going to start. Um. I think this is just a really good one in fitting for the new year, and just I think it could go in

a lot of directions. The first question, don't worry, I'm keeping them all anonymous, is how do you deal with everyone around you thriving and you feel stuck in the same place in life? M h yes. Um. That's such a common and devastating dynamic, right. I think we've all had seasons in our lives when we felt that way, when our life has been stagnant or we felt a sense of paralysis and um our friend group or our family or significant other relative to where we experience ourselves

are are doing better, and it's super triggering. It's super super triggering. So I sort of want to start as as I always do. People who listen to me know this. I I want to start in the validation, the acknowledgement, the truth of it. That that is hard. And I think the more we push away and try to exile that feeling, the more it grows, the bigger it gets,

the scarier it gets. So the first step, not the only step, but the first step is to sort of honor the feeling, is to recognize it, to kind of soften around it, to not try to resist it, to not try to push it away, to really bring it close. What is this? What is a feeling? And what is it trying to tell me? Right, because it might be trying to tell us a number of things that are significant,

are important to listen to. It might be trying to tell us something really specific about our path in life, that we need to get more directed, that we need to get more focused, we need to get more serious, and maybe telling us that are sort of amount of

self love that we have inside of us. Our reservoir of self love, if you will, is depleted, because if we're feeling so triggered by how others are doing relative to how we're doing, there's maybe something going on inside of us that is having a tricky time kind of honoring what's unique and special about us, where our journey

is at that particular time in our life. So really trying to hone in on what those feelings are are telling us, and and then kind of getting to the more general part of it, what we can do when that feeling comes and it's so uncomfortable. Sitting in I don't know, envy and sitting in jealousy is such an

ugly hard place to be. It feels so badly, and so I think tons of self compassion is really important, and to just sort of sit in the feeling and try to mobilize gratitude for the things that we do have in our life to help expand our perspective in those moments. So I think it's a really multilayered process, and I don't want to minimize how hard that feeling state is. So what I'm saying sort of a bunch

of tricks that once you employ them, you'll feel fine. Right, This is a signal that a number of things are happening in our life that are a key and and so being able to get closer to what those things are and sitting in those feelings and listening to what it's trying to tell us, I think is a really healthy,

although difficult place to start. That's really good advice. And this is definitely not an overnight process because I even feel like I've been there, and I feel like from an outside perspective that would be like, oh, whoa, you can relate to that too. But of course, when you see people around you that are thriving and you feel stuck, there's nothing, there's nothing worse, You're just you compare yourself. It gets to a point where you're so hard on

yourself and could be so difficult. But I also know like with time it definitely helps, and um, it's not an overnight process at all. What you reminded me one of my favorite things to say to clients or folks that I'm working with is that no feeling states stays the same, No feeling state stays the same, and you can you can check that with your own evidence. Right, the most moments that you've had in your life, the worst season of emotions always dissipates, always change, it's always shifts.

And so that's another thing that we can use is self soothing in the moment, some version of like, it's not always going to feel this way. That doesn't mean it doesn't feel really bad, but feeling states constantly shift, and so leaning into what it's trying to tell you can be really useful because it won't always be there. That is so true. I love that. Um. All right, next question, somebody asked tips for self sabotage slash overthinking. M hm, So I guess they're asking tips to diminish

the tendency towards sabotage and overthinking. Right, So those are well, I guess those those two things could be combined. Um, but let's let's let's sort of unpack them a little bit. So tips for self sabotage the first step, and and I guess your listener is already there, but is really

deeply recognizing that it's happening. I mean, one of the insidious parts of self sabotage is that oftentimes we don't recognize that it's happening, and we start to blame outside factors or start to imagine that we're just the target of bad luck, etcetera, and and aren't recognizing that we may have actions are are inviting kind of negative toxic

patterns or dynamics or people in our lives. So the first step is recognizing it and being really authentic with yourself about it that like, wow, there may be something I'm doing that's bringing in things into my life, whether it's people or behaviors or external events or activities that aren't working for me to really lean into like wow, this is a scary admission, but I think there's something going on here that I'm contributing to, and that can

be a really scary thing to admit. So I think deeply leaning into that truth, if it is a truth for you, is a really important first step. And then the next thing I would recommend is to slow way down because self sabotage happens really quickly, and it happens kind of in a cloaked way, right it it's so unconscious, and in some cases it's kind of involuntary, so we don't even recognize it's happening until we're sitting in like

the collateral damage of it all. So really slowing way down if you have specific arenas in which outcomes are not going well, you know, whether it's romantic relationships or in your professional life, etcetera. Really slowing down when you're engaging in activities or dialogue or decisions around it, recognizing the thoughts that you're having, recognizing the decisions that you're

making based on those thoughts, consulting with trusted others. Really slowing down because self sabotage usually comes um from a place of anxiety and and fear, and from a place of fear around having success taking up more space in the world, you know, sort of um realizing your full potential. So really slowing down to explore what those feelings are if you were to allow yourself to bring in more

good and to understand what the stackles are. So that that's a lot to do on on on your own, I mean, but but engaging in journaling or meditating can help. And of course I always end up at some point when we talk recommending therapy if this is something that is really a dynamic taking over your life and and just to quickly address over thinking. Overthinking is a is an offshoot of anxiety. Right, we have consuming thoughts, we ruminate, and it can be devastating. It can really change how

we move through the world. And so I have a couple of recommendations. One is meditating, reading, journaling, So those thoughts have a time and a place and then can be sort of, um, have a specific finite time to be done with them and getting our body used to that process of taking them out and putting them back

and kind of alongside that. And we talked about a version of this, you and I UM last time, we talked about that five minute idea, this idea that if you have an issue that you're over thinking about, really putting a time limit on it, that like, I'm gonna take the next ten fifteen minutes, I'm gonna journal about it, I'm gonna think about I'm gonna talk to my best buddy about it, and then i'm gonna stop. I'm gonna put it away. I'm going to purposely engage in compartmentalization,

like healthy compartation. This is difficult, it doesn't mean it won't prop up and sort of you know, um, you know, focus on the shoulder and try to get us to think about it again. But if we build up a practice that kind of interrupts the neural pathways that get us to have a thought and go all the way to the devastating angsty outcome, if we interrupt those neural pathways with other healthier behaviors over time, the overthinking naturally

begins to dissipate. Interesting, and somebody kind of had like a it was a different user, but kind of a branch off question about overthinking. They said, how to stop overthinking? Specially if you have traumas about bad things that have happened to you. Is that kind of the same advice, Or if it's like a deep, deep trauma that somebody might have occurred in their childhood it or at some phase in their life, would you recommend something different? Definitely.

I'm glad that question got asked, because if we're talking about trauma and we're using the term overthinking in that context, we potentially are talking about PTSD, which is post extress disorder, and one of the key symptoms of PTSD is I wouldn't call it overthinking, but I understand how it would

feel just like that. But is intrusive thoughts Intrusive thoughts that we cannot control, whether it's around reliving the trauma, whether it's around intrusive thoughts about who you are, your relationship that you're in, what your life is about, etcetera. Intrusive thoughts that are uncontrollable, that feel like they are

invading um your ability to really function. And so if we're talking about a version of that, and it doesn't have to be as extreme as I was just describing, but anywhere on the spectrum of intrusive thoughts related to tied to past trauma, that is an absolute signal to seek services for treatment around trauma and PTSD, And it would be much more difficult, as I'm sure your user UM would agree to on our own try to stop that kind of intrusive thinking, right, and you can start

to feel hopeless and helpless if you're trying to control that on your own and it's not working and you're feeling more and more overwhelmed. So I would just say, if that's happening, you know that those are symptoms of PTSD and there was absolutely help out there, really clear therapeutic um approaches to helping folks deal with PTSD. So

so I would recommend services as soon as possible. If that's the case, great, and somebody also, I guess we can bounce kind of off this to somebody had asked, I gone through bad trauma, but financially I can't afford that extra help and that therapy. Is there something that you're talking about that maybe listeners don't know about that they could access that maybe not as expensive or just

like a little bit more in reach for so many people. Yes, most most communities, I mean, and certainly it's it's more the case in bigger cities, but most communities have low fee clinics where folks that are going through training to become doctorates in psychology or clinicians or therapists, et cetera, do their pre or post doc hours and are supervised by licensed professionals. All of this to say, very solid

services available at these low fee clinics. And so if whatever city that you live in, googling some version of you know, Chicago, low fee clinics for therapy could yield opportunities that are you know, as low as ten, fifteen, twenty dollars or less for therapy services that are good and really solid. So that's sort of a I guess, like a not well known resource that's available in most communities. Wow, I had no idea. That's so interesting. Um, okay, well,

this next question I can relate to this. I feel like most people can relate to this. Men, women, everyone basically. But it's body image and how to create a healthy mindset around it. This is so hard and it's such a tricky question, and I feel like I can't even wait to hear the answer because I relate, especially with social media and seeing everybody and comparing yourself, it's so easy to do that. So do you have any advice on this topic? Yeah, it's it's such a difficult one.

And as you can imagine in my private practice, I think most every woman And unfortunately it typically lands with with women and lives there because of so many of the socio cultural pressures that are out there and the images that are put forth. But it is ubiquitous and and kind of kind of devastating. Um, the burden that most women carry around this And surprisingly and but noteworthy, regardless of what a woman's body looks like, many if

not most women feel about the same. And UM, that leads me into my next piece, which is that beginning to recognize that a good part of one's relationship with their body isn't really about their body? Is a good place to start. I want to first say, which I sort of alluded to a moment ago. There are so many pressures about body image, right, social media images that we face and the poll to compare are you everywhere, and we have to confront them regularly, and I don't

think that's going to change anytime soon. So I don't want to diminish the reality of what it really is like to look at bodies that appear to be perfect and compare them to our own and look at the gap and feel badly about it. So I'm not trying to suggest that that isn't a true dynamic, but that's also one of the dynamics in this equation that we

actually can't control. We're going to confront those images, um, We're going to confront bodies that look differently than ours, And there are pieces of this equation that we can start to take control of, Which is the part that isn't really about our body, because it again sort of reflects some version of a deficit of of of self love, some depletion in our tank of self love, right, And you know, it's not that we can't have wishes or ideas or sadness or frustration about how we might want

our body to look relative to how it does look, but leaning into the parts of us that are more defining of how we move through the world, the services that we're supposed to provide during our time on earth, how we treat all kindness. And I know that when I'm talking about these things and you're looking at like a bikini pick of someone that you follow, it's kind of hard to lean into, like, well, who who am

I supposed to serve in my right? Such a differnt um, you know, reservoirs from which to pull, But developing a more spiritual practice about who we want to be in the world, how we want to show up, and what we define as kind of success and loveability and worthiness is a really important practice to start to lean into.

It's not an immediate solution to the problems that we are facing around body image stuff, but in my experience, it really is the only approach that has longevity because our bodies change, we get older, um and all of the media that is entering our sphere is constant, and so if it's more around working out or how we

eat or um. Even body positivity, the idea of like loving our body no matter what, which I'm all for, um, that still doesn't get to like the core core issue that doesn't change regardless of the input that we're getting from the outside. So it's really beginning a practice of self love and a philosophy around how we want to confront those things. It's a it's a it's a long journey.

It's a journey. I've never thought of it that way too, because I think it's so naturally just jump to at least for me, like I'll be like, oh, I'm just not working out enough, I'm not eating right. I treated my body like this week like I have to get back on it, and I get so hard on myself and it can be such a downward spiral from that moment on, and it's it sucks. It's the worst feeling ever.

But I think also knowing that your body's individual and unique and literally nobody else on the planet has it, and take care of it if you're healthy, Like, it's such a blessing if you are healthy and have an able body. All right, next question, this is actually a good one, and I think a lot of females can relate to this, and I'm sure males too, But you'll see why I said that it says how to build a relationship with your mom when you argue so much.

I think that's just such a dynamic, at least with like my friends and people. I've heard that that you guys can butt head so easily at a certain age, and I for, um, what's some advice for that? Yeah, I think it's it's so common, um for young women to struggle with their relationship with their mother. I think is women, young women are beginning to try to individuate

and find their own full selves. There's this push and pull between how much you want to rely on your mother, how much you do rely on your mother, how much she parents you, versus respect your individualtion. Your individuality is um is a spoken and unspoken verbal and nonverbal dynamic that gets played out between mothers and daughters um uh sort of overtime and and I think gets exacerbated around

like teens in early twenties. So, having said all that, I think it's it's really about communication and communication that can be productive and direct and respectful versus the kind of communication that often occurs between mom and daughter, which is like frustration and um kind of coming together and

pushing yourpart coming together and pushing apart. So I recommend if there are specific things, for example, that your mother does that that doesn't feel good, you feel like she criticizes you, for example, right instead of in the heat of the moment, in the aftermath of a criticism, trying to discuss how that impacts you, trying to uh manage your mother's tendencies outside of the moment, when you're in a calmer, connected sort of situation with your mother, being

able to take the risk, be vulnerable enough to be like, I want to talk to you about something. I want to talk to you about something that seems to be like this dynamic between us where when I tell you something that I want to do, and I tell you something that I really want to work on or I really want to achieve, that you tend to doubt me, that you tend to criticize as my approach, and that

really hurts. And you know, trying to at least have a dialogue that's direct and that's delivered in a way that's respectful and digestible, I think is really really important. And you and I talked about when I'm about saying our on our last time together, but also recognizing when you're in a situation where you're not going to be able to get what you want, and that's devastating, that's grief worthy, that's frustrating, that can bring about a lot

of anger. But recognizing it and figuring out what you're going to do as a result of that starts to begin to save a lot of pain and angst and um misplaced vulnerability. Right, So to recognize, for example, that our mother is not available to have sort of a vulnerable real dialogue with us, or can't interrupt for her tendency to criticize, then being able to start setting boundaries with her. So maybe I'm not going to talk to

about vulnerable stuff. So maybe if she's getting in that mode, I'm going to say, you know what, this doesn't feel really good. I'm gonna I'm ana head upstairs around the sack of night. Right, Instead of engaging in the behavior that we end up not feeling good about in the face of their toxic behavior, we set boundaries both with them and with ourselves process, no doubt, but this is

these are the bullet points, the highlights of that question. Um, let's kind of take it to some relationship questions, because damn, you guys flooded me with those. I don't even know where to start. Um. A big one was tips on how to get over a breakup, heartbreak, etcetera. And then a lot of people were also asking how to get over somebody if you've never even dated them and you kind of just like made up this situation in your head and now you feel that same like weight of

a heartbreak. I guess, yeah, yeah, Well, I think probably the things that I will talk about getting over a heartbreak where you've been in a connected internet relationship with someone will apply to the ladder, but I'll make some distinctions. I think some of this is going to feel like repeat.

But I think getting over a heartbreak is such a triggering time, obviously, and many of us immediately feel the intense desire for it to be better and and quickly right, and we want to do things to turbo the process along, right. I mean, whether that means I don't know, going out a bunch of our friends or hooking up with some other guy, or hyper you know, processing it with our friends,

but feeling frustrated that you still don't feel better. Right, All those things are things that we've all done and we'll all do again. But trying to recognize that there really isn't a shortcut. There just isn't a short like there isn't it's it's traumatic, it's devastating, it's grief worthy, and and depending on your particular trajectory, it's it's it's a a loss. It's a it's a significant loss that has to be and the only way through grief is

to go directly inside of it. So allowing ourselves, with trusted others, with ourselves to sit in those feelings and and cry and be frustrated and to let it wash over us, because if we try to take a shortcut, we end up having symptoms. Right, So in the scenarios I was talking about before, let's say we're trying to bypass all that we're going out with our friends, were

drinking a bunch, looking up with guys. Maybe it feels better temporarily, but symptoms start to develop, whether that's depression, anxiety, um, lower productivity at work, lack of focus. It it gets stuck in our body, the grief, and it comes out some other way that we don't have a say in right, right, it comes out in somewhere we're like, well, I don't like the way I'm showing up here. I'm really irritable with my friends, I'm really irritable with my family. It

just comes out. There's emotional rent to pay if we don't breathe. I would say my biggest piece of advice

is is to allow yourself to go through it. And I'm sure many of your listeners avail themselves of what I'm about to say, which is like, sisterhood is a big thing, right, and so being with your friends, but being authentic and real with your friends about your vulnerability, your hurt and kind of surrounding yourself with people who have your back is so important like that and can be super empowering and to kind of bridge to out what you're asking about before in that question, which is

what if like you're not even with someone right, you're graving a breakup of some someone you were just kind of quote talking to on like the d M S or something, so that you know, some of the stuff that I just mentioned could apply. But I think a deeper dive into what compel someone to get so invested into a relationship that isn't UM, I r l as the kids say, that means in real life for those that don't know in real life, right, that doesn't mean life.

It's an important thing to think about because there there may be something going on there that's really worthy of understanding. A fear of intimacy, a fear of rejection, right um, some self doubt again, a depletion in in self love that's prompting us to get so invested in something that isn't really available for us, for us to explore and fully show up in. And perhaps there's someone on the

other end who isn't available to invest in us. And accepting UM, something that's less than what we deserve, that's you know, wholly inadequate, is also something to look at. So I think, you know, the grief over like wow, I had a big hope that this guy was connecting with and talking to is going to be something, and wow, it's really disappointing. UM is worthy of some grief that the hope you had, UM and the disappointment that ensued is real. But if this is a pattern, I would

really do UM. As I said, it's kind of a deeper dive into like what is how is that serving me, you know, getting caught up with someone that isn't really in my life? What is that? What is that sort of revealing about where I am right now? Yeah, And a lot of people are kind of asking to, like, in a in a relationship, if somebody does struggle with some sort of mental health issue, and it can be extreme or even maybe on a less severe side of things,

how do you know that they're struggling with that? And how do you differentiate them dealing with something that's you know, like really hard in their brain verse just being maybe not to be rude, but just like being an asshole or acting out, and like, how do you differentiate like just being not getting the respect you deserve or if somebody is really struggling. Yeah, I see what you're saying. Um m hm, So I have a couple of different

responses to that. I think more importantly, perhaps than than what you were saying, is whether or not the person that is mistreating us or showing up in a way that we don't feel good about or doesn't feel good to us, whether or not they have insight or interest in working on that is probably the headline of the situation, right,

rather than whether or not it's a diagnosable thing. Because if we have someone who's either an asshole or who's depressed, um but available, or doesn't have the insight into like, wow, what I'm doing right now is impacting you negatively and I need to think about this and work on it, it almost doesn't matter, right. So we want to have a willing partner, someone who is interested in in growth, who's a seeker, and who is um open to feedback

about how they impact you. Having said that, I mean, if we have someone who is deeply struggling with depression or anxiety or you know, bipolar or something that is going to impact our behavior, their behavior in some cases involuntarily, that's important to know if you're making decisions about how you want to support that person, right, And so I think the willingness of that person to pursue a deeper understanding of what is happening with them again is the

key because from where where we sit, if you're the partner of that person, um, you you're not gonna be able to diagnose that right. You might have an idea that you might have a hypothesis about it, but you're not going to be able to answer that question, So it's really more about that person uncovering that information. And I think if someone is interested in healing from a diagnosis that's serious and grave, that maybe gives us more

opportunity to feel comfortable with supporting them. Then if they're they're deep in denial about it, right, that makes sense. I feel like that's such a hard question too. I didn't even know how to really read that one off because it is so I feel like specific to somebody's situation. But yeah, um, somebody else asked how to live as a hypochondriac. It's ruining me and my kids life. Do we kind of want to explain what that even is

and then maybe some advice? Yeah, Well, hypochondriac is sort of, in a very over generalized Layman's terms, is someone who experiences UM distress in their body often, and in many, if not most cases, is either not really there or it's an exaggeration of the actual symptoms that are happening. So most people UM identified as someone who's says that

they're sick all the time. I immor says that they have ailments all the time when they really don't, And so that's UM kind of how it tends to play out on a day to day basis, is feeling like you are sick or about to get sick and being consumed with that, and it is an anxiety disorder. It is ultimately an anxiety disorder and is in the end, not really that much about the day to day struggle with oh, am I am I getting the stomach flu? Did I break my ankle when I just fell, etcetera.

But it's really about an anxiety an intricate anxiety coping mechanism for anxiety, because if we have deep rooted anxiety about trauma or other aspects of our life, but become consumed with am I going to get sick? Or is my back out? Or I have diabetes? Etcetera, we get to escape the root of the real issues and problems in our life. And it is usually done in a

very unconscious manner. I'm sure the listener that we're addressing, our listeners that were addressing, I don't think directly, oh, this is what I'll do so I don't have to think about all the problems that life all feels very real.

So what I would recommend in this case is seeking services immediately, because it's an anxiety disorder, and there are very specific therapy and potentially medications depending on your situation, that can address it, and you don't have to suffer that much, and your family doesn't have to suffer so much. Probably on your own, you're not going to be able to think it or wish it away. It's reflective of

something deeper going on. So I would I would really honor it, have a bunch of compassion for yourself and and and seek services as soon as possible. Yeah, I think this is also an interesting question. Um. A lot of it was just like how to be comfortable being alone or like what if you feel so lonely and isolated? How to break that feeling? Um, just kind of around that, I see a few questions like that, I've been there. I can relate to that feeling of just feeling like

you kind of like don't really have anybody. And I think for me it just took time, but for somebody else, like what would maybe you recommend did you during when you've had those moments, did you find anything specific that was soothing my sister, my people that I could really trust and have around. It was honestly really when um, it was around the holidays, both my parents were going to jail, and it was just rough time. It was just like I felt very alone, like I only had

my family. I didn't want to talk about it because I was afraid of anything being like put in the media. Um So I relate to that a little bit. I think it's different because mine had an end date, so that's kind of what I was looking forward to. Like I knew their release dates and I was like, Okay, when this happens, like my family will be back together, Like it's gonna be okay. Um. But I know that's a very weird specific situation and a lot of people's

um are very different. So for me, it was just finding comfort and like my my sister, the people I could really trust around me. But what if maybe people don't have that? Yeah, yeah, I think that. Thanks for yeah,

thanks for showing that. I think that's right. I mean that that that would always be my My first line of defense is is if there is a trusted other in your sphere that you either are regularly in contact with or could pull close again, gets really important to take the risk to do just that, because when we're filling alone and isolated, connecting with someone that we trust is it is definitely an antidote, right. But you ask the question, Olivia, which is, well, what if you you

don't have that? And that is I mean, I think we can all agree that if that is the case, that you really feel like there isn't anyone in your life presently that you can lean into, that's really really, really hard. And so I start where I often end, which is trying to find some kind of services, therapeutic services, even like the low fee clinic I was talking about, so you have someone to bridge until you can start building a community again. I think it's really critical and important.

Part of my recommendation and advice is going to be to work towards building a community. You know, whether that comes from I mean it's a weird time with COVID and everything, but whether that comes from like an online book club or you know, taking an online class or turning up hike club or something, right, I mean, finding ways to start again is critical because it really is one of the primary ways that we heal from isolation

and loneliness. Is is healthy and and and safe connection and um some of the other things that I've already talked about, which is kind of expanding or developing a spiritual practice can be helpful during times like this, like what getting into Like what's my connection to a higher power? If that resonates, what's kind of my purpose in in life? And can I use this really odd, lonely difficult time

to get to know myself a little better? And I say that with clear understanding that that doesn't remove loneliness and isolation, but can over the long run, build some resilience and fortitude. Yeah, I feel like this could kind of be a segue into this, maybe not, but ways to manage social pressure about being thirty and never having

a boyfriend or a significant other before. Yeah, that's hard. Yeah, it is hard, And I think that's that's that's where I begin is again, having you know, compassion for the real feelings about it that an individual might have, that if it's something that you wanted and haven't had that that that is hard and and maybe sad and frustrating, and allowing yourself to have deep compassion around that, also allowing some sort of exploration of the societal pressures around that,

and trying to make some decisions about how much of that you are going to allow to impact you, right, because maybe maybe in your sphere it is okay, right, maybe in your sphere or deep down, um it it isn't as important to you as society that you have a boyfriend by the time you're thirty, but maybe it is. So I'm just offering that for someone who's like, actually,

you know what I'm talking I'd time with that. And it's really about the pressure from my mother or from people that constantly asked me, so, who are you dating or when you're gonna get married. A lot of dynamics that impact how we feel about it. So getting to know your specific true feelings around that might provide some relief. And and then I think being able to just give yourself grace, right, give yourself grace that um that those those kind of connections um sometimes take time for people

and developed later in life. Um. Maybe there's work that you've done in yourself, maybe there's work you've done in your career, and maybe there's been deep connections you've formulated with your friend group or your family that have been primary for you. And allowing your journey to have different chapters than other people's journey is really important and can build a sense of self love if we embrace and

pull close our own uniqueness. And so I, as I say many things, I recognize that's not an easy stance to take when you're facing societal pressures or peer pressure or that sense of comparison. But you're developing a narrative about your own journey that reflects your truth, I think is really important instead of just adopting the journey, that the narrative that like, oh, something's wrong with me because

I don't have a boyfriend until I'm right. I mean, taking the measure of the other aspects of your life

next to that truth is really important part of it. Yeah, and I think like overall, um, I think like I know this is more about society, but also comparing yourself on social media, and this could go back to like any questions about body image or just comparison in general, or comparing your relationships somebody else is online, or comparing that you don't have a relationship to somebody else online.

It's um, it's also you have to remind yourself, like especially this day and age, that like people are putting their highlights out on their social media and it's really easy to look at it and be like, wow, that looks like perfect their life seems so easy, but I mean, take it from me, I'm I'm just being very honest, Like I would never post something that I don't feel

like the most confident in. There are so many photos in my camera role that will never see the light of day, of just like selfies that are just like I will nitpick till the end of the day, basically. So I think it's important to remind yourself that we are living in a world where we see so much, but so much of what we see is everybody's like

highlight moments. And that's such a good point, and it reminds me that I often work with people in my private practice who post the kind of images that you're talking about, right, that's sort of perfect and capturing really um impressive connected um moments, and who share in a therapeutic setting that in fact, their relationship with their sign significant other is um conflictual um that they don't feel like they are paid attention to enough that they're on

the verge of a breakup, right right. That's there's and that that isn't to say that some of those images perfectly capture someone's happy moments, right, But I think what you're pointing out is important that everyone has their their burdens to bear and has um uh issues and struggles even within the confines of their relationships their professional lives. And it's really important to ground ourselves and that truth.

And I think it's really important for you to be open and authentic and vulnerable around that because because lots of girls look to you and I'm sure think that very thing about you, So to say out allowed that like, hey, like what I put out there is curated because I have my my own insecurities, things that I don't feel completely confident and is is really powerful. Yeah, it's it's hard, especially if you're like being young and this kind of

upcoming generation of growing up with social media. I think I was one of the last generations to kind of escape that I went through my childhood not with an iPad or phone, just playing with dolls and you in my imagination and not seeing like magazine covers or you know, the commercials on the TV were very, very particular to what the age group was that was watching. It wasn't crazy stuff that would make a young child feel like,

oh I should look like that right now. And so it's so interesting with social media, this is kind of like a random little point. But um, it's interesting that now thirteen year olds have a phone and instead of having curated commercials that are supposed to be like goofy and funny and not make you think I should look this way, they're following supermodels and influencers and people like me basically who post their best moments. And then you have young kids looking at you and you have this.

Being in that position, I have like a sense of guilt because I'm like, I hope people do know that this is just my best moment and I'm putting it out because I feel really confident in it. But I don't want that to take away from somebody knowing like this isn't actually all reality. Yeah yeah, And I think it's conversations like that like this that helped to expand that truth and and hopefully begin to put more of

that into the conversation. Because you're you're right a little a little, I mean, they are a little thirteen year olds who are aware now of of their body, and who are aware of um uh, their makeup and the clothes that they wear, and um, what kind of vibe certain images are putting forth and and such. These are not thoughts that thirteen year olds were a decade ago

or two decades ago. We're pulled to think about and and that's a pressure and a burden and I don't I don't know that we can repair it or stop this train that is barreling along, but it's crazy. One of the things that we can do is have discussions about, like, hey, this is this is an aspect of my life in aspect and a fun one and one and um one that can be part of my professional life, etcetera. But there are other aspects now that our struggles and and

hard and imperfect. I think it's the more that can be talked about, the better for everyone, and particularly for those kids. Yeah, and it's helpful for me sometimes to kind of think about, like before social media, just humans, like the way we're built and our and our brains and our bodies and everything, how we are just naturally born, Like we are never meant to see This is an Olivia fact looming preface. I have no research on this, but I believe we are never meant to see that

many people in our lifetime. Like the amount of people we can reach on social media is insane to me, Like it's unfathomable that we can see so many young girls and boys and women and men and their bodies and their hair and what they're doing today and the life they live and where they live and how much

money they have. And it's so so crazy to me that you have to remember, like this isn't probably the most normal thing for the human body, and just like how we are built to digest in a like a very healthy way, so like take it with a grain of salt too. I think you raised a good point that I had I hadn't really ever thought about, which is right. I mean, what you're saying is we're really not meant to reach and influence so many people just

the moment. I mean, it's kind of a crazy paradigm when you think about it, right, totally, it's been developed where just a sort of a an obtuse kind of random thing that you do or post about is reaching so many people, as is the case for a lot of influencers, And it is kind of a bizarre, unusual, not well thought out paradigm in terms of the mental the mental health impact, right, And it just it just

developed so quickly. So I think it's a good idea for people to have more consciousness about what they're consuming, not just the images, but what what it does to how they think about themselves and so their lives, to at least have conversation about it. Yeah, totally. Well, thank you so much for coming on the podcast again. I think we really kind of went through most of the questions. A lot of people had very similar questions to ask you, so hopefully this helped you, guys, And thank you so

much for coming on again. People are obsessed with you. They love it. I mean the d ms I get after every episode, like damn, Olivia, this one really helped me today. It just it means everything to me, so thank you so much. I'm so glad, thanks for saying that. So good to be with you again. Yes, likewise, and thank you guys for listening, and we'll catch you next week.