restrictED Episode 06- A Sibling's Love Always Wins

I mean, the list goes on and on and on, and then at the very bottom of it, I'm like, and also she rocks because she got through an eating disorder, but she would rock anyway, you know, like that, that is just not her identity in my eyes.

Georgie shares everything she has learned through the years and shows us that there is a space for siblings too. Thank you so much for joining us. Quick disclaimer, throughout this series we will touch on triggering content, including discussions on weight, suicidal ideation, body dysmorphia, dieting, and depression. If at any point the content is harming your own journey toward recovery, please feel free to skip ahead.

If you or anyone you know is suffering from mental health, there will be a list of resources down below in the description. Okay. So the first question is, could you introduce yourself and tell us your relationship or familiarity with an eating disorder?

Because we were both in high school at the time I was in the same house with her, we were together a lot of the time, we were going to high school together. So I was pretty involved with my family and with my sister, especially in the first year of her trying to recover. And since then, you know, I I've seen her grow and go to new phases of her recovery process and had a really zoomed out view of what it's like to have an eating disorder from the perspective of a sibling.

So, I definitely helped a lot with meal support. Anytime my sister needed to sit down and have a meal, have a snack, and I could be there with her on a weekend, during breaks, after school, before school, I tried to step in a lot during those really fraught moments. As a sibling, I would say I was less of an enforcer and more of a distraction maybe during mealtime.

It, I felt like my job was to, as much as possible, like keep the energy calm or keep the energy upbeat, keep her thinking about things other than I have to eat the food in front of me. And that's going to be a really big challenge. I think for some siblings, you do have to step into more of, the role of someone who is holding them accountable. And I definitely did do that, especially as she started to recover more and my parents felt comfortable.

Maybe they had something going on in the evening and they needed to hand over the reins to me for that one meal. But I think that really does depend on your family situation. So other siblings probably have a different experience with that. And I think it's interesting that you use that term like second mother because it did.

I think when my mom was not there, for whatever reason, I definitely, felt that sort of protective instinct, but also that, authority instinct, maybe, to take charge, and that also meant sometimes, maybe, stepping in in ways that I wouldn't really feel comfortable doing. For example, when I went to college, my sister was, still working on her recovery.

I was no longer in the house, but I come home for break and sometimes in my room I would find little, uh, reserves of snacks that hadn't been eaten. I would find, hiding spots in my room and I would, try to figure out like, was this from months ago? Is this recent that she didn't eat her snack? And what do I do about it? Do I go tell my mom? Do I confront her myself? Do I try to tell someone on her treatment team?

And making decisions like that was also part of my role as a sibling, because sometimes I think a sibling just has a different perspective. And so sometimes you can catch onto things that parents aren't going to see. And sometimes you're just going to see things in a different perspective that when you bring that to the table, that can really, really help in recovery.

It's hard to lose your support system, which is something that I talk about a lot with other siblings because your parents are so involved in this. You don't want to burden them with your own stuff that you have going on. And also your sibling is probably a big part of your support system. And you can't really go to them for support for their own thing that they're going through. And that's part of what I experienced was just, what do I do with the emotions I'm feeling right now?

I can't go to my parents with them, which I really could, but I often didn't feel like that was the responsible thing to do. Can't go to my sister with it. My brother at the time was quite young. So I think as a sibling, if you're being impacted by this, I think seeking your own support system, whether that means therapy or a coach or a really close friend or another mentor is really important and something that helped me process the effects of it.

It doesn't mean that you won't feel those effects, but it did help me work through them over time. But another way that I think it affected me. Honestly, I think it probably prevented me from developing an eating disorder in a way. It's very, very common to have multiple people within a family develop an eating disorder because, maybe there's some genetic components working that are the same. Probably if the environmental factors are a big part of it, those are probably the same within a family.

So it's, it's incredibly common. And I, similar to my sister had some of the similar like sensitivities, similar, ideas about diet and what bodies are supposed to look like. And I, I do think it's quite possible that I could have gone down that road as well. And I also have my own health problems. I have PCOS, polycystic ovarian syndrome, which is also very, very common. And it increases your likelihood of developing an eating disorder because it does affect metabolism and it does affect mood.

So, having my sister experience this, seeing her experience it, learning so much about eating disorders, learning about some of the signs, it helped me really come to terms with my own ideas about nutrition, about body image, about what health is, what that looks like. And I think it's also helped me, like, intervene for other people when I see some, you know, concerning behaviors in their lives.

It has made me want to, step in as much as I possibly can, educate where I can, share my experience when I can. And most importantly, I think, as another, like, positive impact. Not that I want to turn this all into positives when a lot of it is negative and that's just part of the experience, but I think it also brought me and my sister closer eventually. You know, she's taken her years to get to the point where she is now, but she's doing really well.

She's about to graduate college, and is going to be moving back towards home, and I'm so excited to like have her in a place where I can like see her most of the time. So for any siblings who are listening to this, at the beginning of this journey, it probably feels like you're losing your sibling and it probably feels like there's some wounds there that can't heal. And I want to give you hope that the wounds can be there and you can heal from them. You can move past that.

Your sibling can recover and your relationship can recover.

Although a caregiver can be a parent, a guardian, grandparent, spouse, you know, the list goes on and on and on, but both of these organizations were really concerned about the lack of support for siblings specifically in this picture. It feels incredibly isolating when you're hoping to at least, you know, go online and find some information that would be helpful as a sibling, and it's all directed towards other people who are having different experiences.

So, these two organizations, they have come together to offer a new support group specifically for siblings of those with eating disorders. We're siblings of people who are dealing with eating disorders. So we meet once a week online over zoom. So there are people internationally even who come to these meetings. We're basically just there to let you know that you're not alone.

So if you have questions as a sibling, if you're dealing with really difficult situations and you just need someone to like talk to, we are there for you. If you are wondering if anyone else has ever experienced this, we're here to tell you that they have. All the time siblings come and say, you know, my sister did this, my brother did that, and I don't understand what's happening. And we can kind of all together be like, that's what having an eating disorder is.

And that doesn't mean the experience is the same for everyone. It doesn't mean we have all the answers. But I think having that specific peer support makes such a big difference. It's something that, I mean, it's isolating for everyone, but I think when you're a sibling, you don't feel any guilt about it, and then you feel all the guilt about it, and you don't know where to turn to, decompress from some of that. I am always so impressed with the siblings who come to this group. They are so kind.

They care so much about each other and about their families and about their siblings. They are so intelligent. They're so articulate and able to express all of the really difficult, complex things they're experiencing. And they're so supportive of each other.

It's just incredible to see every time, and it's a reminder that this happens to really incredible people, and like you were saying, Melissa, you want to put the blame on something, like you want to have a why, and there's no answer for that, like, it just happens. So you're left as a sibling sometimes with a lot of guilt, and I think having other people who have been through it and can tell you on the other side, no, it's not your fault. You didn't do anything.

So I'm very grateful that the sibling group exists. Like I said, it is totally free. Maybe I said that. I hope I said that because it is totally free. We meet online, so as long as you have access to some sort of Internet connection, you're welcome to come. Currently, it's only for ages 15 and up, but other than that restriction, we are so happy to have you.

And we do that just for the sake of, you know, we talk about some pretty heavy topics with eating disorders, and there needs to be space for younger voices in that conversation too, but to protect some of the siblings, for now we have that age limit to kind of, just protect that space. The two things that siblings always say at the end of the group is, one, I feel hopeful, and two, I feel seen. And I think those are both very powerful things.

And I'll also just mention that if you are a caregiver listening to this, FEAST and ANAD have also come together to do a caregiver support group. So, this resource exists for you as well. And ANAD has a ton of support groups for people in recovery.

But also just the diversity that you guys put onto the table, people from different regions, different geographic locations, different genders, different gender identities. I'm talking about eating disorders that vary in diversity. Binge eating disorder, anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, orthorexia, purging disorder, and just tackling all those discrepancies and the complexities that exist there.

I feel like we forget that siblings are also these young individuals that are also trying to navigate through life, different, amazing transitions like you when you were transitioning to college, and you were trying to decide what that looked like for you. And I can only imagine feeling guilt if you chose, a college far away from home, if you were thinking about doing something that was close to home, community college, and just that weight that carries on to siblings as well.

So it can have drastic effects on siblings as they try to navigate their own life while also concentrating on their siblings' life, while also concentrating on their family's well being. And so I wanted to say that I was looking at some of the recorded workshops you've participated in.

And one thing that really captivated my eye was that some of the siblings, often talked about this feeling of being shadowed or put aside, within their family unit when their sibling was dealing with an eating disorder. So could you speak a little on that?

That the sibling who is just, you know, trying to be supportive, but like you said, oftentimes as a young person, just trying to also figure out their life, or maybe they're an adult person who's also still trying to figure out their life, you know, you're trying to do work, you're trying to take care of yourself, you're trying to go to school, you're trying to figure out what you want in your life, and then it's also derailed by your sibling's experience.

So I think because it's already so hard just to live your life when you have this additional stress added on top of it, it's pretty easy to get resentful maybe, or to feel that sense that you're being overlooked, you're being overshadowed, maybe you have plans on the future that you now feel obligated to not participate in because you do want to be home with your sibling, or maybe you don't even want to, but you don't know how to say what's best for me is

to go off on this other path and not be here in the flesh supporting my sibling. That doesn't mean you aren't still being supportive. That doesn't mean you aren't still being loving. That doesn't mean you don't want them to recover, but it's hard to manage all of these feelings at once. I think resentment is something that I felt sometimes that I was upset that this was messing up my life.

And at the same time, I didn't care about any of those things in my life because I just wanted my sister to get better. But then me not doing those things or, my parents not being able to do those things with me didn't mean my sister was getting better. So it's hard to make that sacrifice because you don't know that it's actually leading to anything. I think one of the things that like helped me with feeling overshadowed by it sometimes was having really supportive parents.

Parents, if you are worried about your other children, just let them know. And they might, like me, still kind of be resistant to saying they need support and saying they need help. Because my mom would, check in with me and she was very good about this. Just asking. Are you okay? Do you need to not have dinner with us tonight and eat by yourself so you don't have to experience this? Do you want to have your own therapist that you're talking to separately for support?

Do you want to, you know, X, Y, Z? And because she was so good at doing that, I always felt comfortable being able to go to her when I was feeling this way. You kind of brought up that feeling of like guilt or shame along with that because a pattern that I often see happening with siblings and that happened with me is I would feel that feeling, and then I would on top of that bad feeling, berate myself for having it.

I shouldn't be feeling like this because what's most important is, if my sister is going to live or not. Of course her life and her wellbeing matters more than if I get to go to prom and have a good time without worrying about this. And yet, seven years after the fact, one of the things that actually I think has helped my sister and I become so close is that I didn't miss out on a lot of things.

I pushed myself to do all of the things I was supposed to do in my senior year and to actually try to enjoy them as much as I could. My family was really supportive in that. And at the end of that year, when I had presentations, I had graduation, I got to tell my sister, look, you didn't stop me from doing any of these things. I still got to enjoy all of these events that I had been looking forward to. I still got to go to college. And I did go to college several states away.

I, my family's in Texas and I went all the way to Virginia for school. So there was a feeling of I shouldn't be doing this, but at the same time because I did do it, my sister doesn't feel like she ruined my life, which even if I had chosen not to do those things, that doesn't mean that my life was going to be ruined and that doesn't mean my sister would have been at fault for it.

I I have a great life and the eating disorder might have tried to disrupt that, but we had such a supportive family that we really didn't let it. The thing that helped me when I was feeling those things was to, really evaluate my guilt and also just remembering that the eating disorder itself was not my fault and my sister, in her best state, would not want me to be suffering. My suffering does not mean she's more likely to improve. My suffering does not mean the absence of her suffering.

Like, you also matter. Your life is also very important. And just because a lot of the energy does need to go to your sibling, that doesn't mean you aren't deserving of energy.

And to allow yourself to have these different experiences. And with therapy, I know some families may not have access to therapy, or it may not be a resource that's so accessible to them. But with what FEAST and ANAD are doing with this support group, can serve as therapy, especially since it's free.

Moving on, I wanted to say if you could share some of the things and lessons that you learned throughout this journey and by meeting other siblings through your work, whether that's concerning eating disorders or about yourself.

But recovery is always, always possible. And I hope If you're someone who is struggling to feel that you will maybe look to a resource like a support group that can maybe instill some of that hope in you or seek out other people who have recovered and can share their stories because there are examples of people out there who had to go through the windiest, curviest path and still arrived at that destination of recovery.

Number two is sort of a technique or a tool that I have found really helpful, but just the concept of separating a sibling from an eating disorder. So part of that is like the language you use and talking about your sibling experiencing the eating disorder and not being like my sibling is the eating disorder and that that is their whole identity right now.

It can feel like that sometimes, but especially in the moments where it was most intense and I felt like the eating disorder was most present and most insidious. I tried to remember who is my actual sister and then who is this eating disorder, because my sister is not mean. She is not, cruel, she doesn't lie. And sometimes eating disorders might bring about some of those behaviors, but that is not that person showing up as themselves.

So if there were moments when I felt really hurt specifically by my sister, if there were moments when I was just in a lot of pain because what my sister seemed to be experiencing, or if I was really frustrated because I saw her like not eating her food, you know, and at some point you just want to yell, eat your food, eat your dinner. And of course, that's not going to be helpful. And of course, the eating disorder doesn't want to let that person eat.

So remembering that's part of what's happening in her head right now, but that is not my sister, has really helped me, like helps those wounds not cut so deeply that they couldn't heal afterward. My number three is just self care, but this has taught me to really value taking care of myself, value my life, know that if I were suffering like this, I would deserve the same support that I have tried to give my sister and knowing that she would give it to me.

So those are my three, like mini lessons. And the only other thing I might share about just being a sibling and getting the chance to talk with other siblings is how important it is to remember that you're not alone. Eating disorders can look like so many different things.

They can feel like so many different things, and especially like you were pointing out, Melissa, there's such a diversity of eating disorders and they affect such a diversity of people that no experience is going to be exactly the same, but you can be the only person experiencing that and feel like you're actually the only person experiencing that when that's probably not the case.

You might not be experiencing it exactly the same way that every other person is because no journey is the same, but there are always going to be elements, even if it's just the feeling of frustration, of isolation, of whatever that you have in common, looking someone else in the eye and knowing that they're just like nodding at everything you say is so powerful.

So for the siblings out there, for the caregivers and parents, for the other family members, for the people who are currently trying to find their way to recovery, you're not alone and your experience is unique to you, but you are not like exceptionally weird for experiencing it the way that you do. All the time siblings will, you know, give a scenario. Sometimes it's my sibling yelled at me. Sometimes it's like my sibling got physical with me and I've they've never done that before.

All of that feels like, I, I must be the only person experiencing this. This is just too weird. This is too dramatic. This must not be what it's like for everyone. But then you come to a support group, you get a chance to talk to someone else, and even if it's not exactly the same, they're like, oh yeah, I, you know, had a very similar situation, or I also had that feeling when my sibling did that thing.

So I think just like I'm thinking of examples of times when we've been in group and I've talked about, like, the stress of a birthday party, and there's going to be a birthday cake, and are we going to make it? Are we going to, like, what are we going to do to celebrate the birthday? And everyone else on the Zoom is just like, yes, I, yes, I know what that's like.

And I'm thinking if I told my friend, you know, I'm really stressed about my sister's birthday because we got to think about the cake and what are we going to do like she's not going to want to eat this for dinner and it's going to turn all stressful. They'd be like, it's a birthday party. Come on. It's fun. Like what? I don't want to listen to you complain about this. What are you talking about?

So not having to explain on an extra level, not having to educate on an extra level when you're talking to someone who has kind of also experienced it. Everyone needs that. So, long story short, siblings, other people, other family members, people with eating disorders you're not alone.

And so it's not to mitigate the fact that there are vast differences, like you mentioned, but it's that middle ground, that common ground of things that we get to understand and we get to feel and we get to see that is so important to be able to connect and process these difficult experiences, whether that be with an eating disorder or another mental illness, or other things that are going on at home.

And I wanted to ask for those that are curious at home, if you're comfortable, could you share how your sister is doing now and the relationship that you share with her?

It's taken her several years to get to where she is, but she has arrived, and she's really here to stay, and that brings me, I'm trying not to get emotional, that brings me so much joy, um, because there were times when the only reason she kept going is because she had a family who really cared about her and told her that they weren't okay with her giving up. She is about to graduate college.

She also went away to school and she did it, you know, it was not always easy, but she was able to get through it. Um, I hope she doesn't mind me sharing. She's majoring in neuroscience. She's in a class right now that's investigating the gut brain connection, and she is presenting on topics like how does the gut brain connection work in eating disorders?

Um, and then like, for me, she, she was researching how it works in PCOS the other day and finding ways that maybe we can make better and better treatments for things like eating disorders because it does affect the body and the brain in such a full way. And she also is a dancer and she has recently been saying how she is finding like joy in moving her body again, and just like the pure joy of movement and the joy of like feeling the music and connecting with her body.

And that's such a 180 from when she was first diagnosed with an eating disorder, so in that way, too, she's just come a long way and being able to talk to her and have her be so insightful about what she's experienced during the past few years, how it has helped her grow as a person, I'm just so proud of her. I'm proud of her for sticking it out. I'm proud of her for never like taking the easy way out and continuing to challenge herself.

She is definitely one who wants to share her experience who wants to be vulnerable and everyone who's willing to do that is just so brave and make such a difference. So she is doing really well. It was definitely a journey and it's not like there aren't still hard days, but she's learned so many tools. I'm really proud to be her sister and I'm really proud of just how far she's come and that she never gave up on herself.

And a future is so probable despite the fact that you had an eating disorder and you can still live on as a regular human being without that being on your conscious or without that being a label you wear on the front of your shirt or having that define the path that you go through.

But I also really hope that you feel proud of yourself for doing everything that you did and being so involved, especially like I'm still mind blown about the fact that you were in your senior year transitioning to college and you had this going on. You had to navigate so many things at home, but also your own identity, career paths, majors, living situations, housing, dorms, friends, new location.

Um, so it's just you, you went through a lot and also it takes people like you to be able to talk and open up a space for siblings to give them a space and to give them an avenue to express themselves. And then finally, I just wanted to end it off.

I know you were talking about this briefly throughout the conversation, but if you could just reiterate a couple of things you would like siblings to take away, if you could give some pieces of advice to siblings who are trying to navigate through the eating disorder of one of their family members.

That when I am talking about my sibling, or speaking about my sister to someone who hasn't met her and hasn't been able to form an opinion of her on their own terms. I don't often like to share that she has experienced an eating disorder. Because, to me, she is not her eating disorder.

That, that is such a small, small part of her journey, as you were just saying a minute ago, Melissa, that it's such a small part of her life when you think about the whole span of what her life is and will continue to be. I don't ever want someone to just know her as the girl who had an eating disorder. I don't, especially because of the stereotypes that are not true that can come along with that.

I don't want her getting judged on that, because when I think of her, I think of someone who is so caring, who is so kind, who is so strong and so creative. I mean, the list goes on and on and on, and then at the very bottom of it, I'm like, and also she rocks because she got through an eating disorder, but she would rock anyway, you know, like that, that is just not her identity in my eyes.

And I've gotten way more comfortable with, one, like, calling people out when they're saying something about eating disorders that is objectively not true, and two, with being willing to, like, just be vulnerable and own that this isn't my whole story, but it's a part of my story and other people who are also experiencing it, I don't think they should feel ashamed. So why am I making myself feel ashamed about it? You know?

Treat yourself as a friend, if you can, like how, how would you show up for a friend who's in this situation and how would you want them to be able to talk about their experience? And I hope you all will share your stories and not feel that isolation because sharing and just taking that step will break you out of that a little bit and you never know who you could help. So that was a lot of rambling because it is such a complex thing.

But yeah, there are several messages to leave everyone with, but I think my main one, I really had to sum it up into one thing. Is just that, thanks to everyone who is listening, I hope that you feel seen, I hope that you feel like whatever is going on in your life right now doesn't make you not a good person, it doesn't mean you did anything wrong, doesn't mean you should be held responsible for anything. It's just what's happening right now, it's what's unfolding in this moment.

And that doesn't have to dictate the rest of your life.

So for anyone at home, if you enjoyed hearing Georgie talk today and you connected with her, please feel free to look at the link, attached below in the description about FEAST and think about joining the support groups if you want to hear some more of the wonderful things that she has to say or share. But I didn't have any other questions for you, so I really thank you for your time, your patience, your incredible storytelling to this journey and just thank you so much for being here.

I really appreciate it.