Kevin Nealon Returns Once More

My name is Kevin Ealin and I feel You feel nothing. Nothing at all. I'm dead inside.

Hey everybody and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, joined as always by Sonom Obsession. Yes. And uh Matt Gorley. Hello. We were just talking about this a second ago. It's occurred to me a bunch. that if I was turned out into the real workforce now as I am with my whatever I'm gonna call them skills, just to be generous to myself. I would not be able to get any job.

No, I'm being serious here. And if I don't know, who you were? Yeah, yeah. If you could wave a magic wand and people uh first of all, if they didn't know who I was, that might be an advantage. But uh if I was thrown out into the world and I don't have the ability to go, hey, maybe you've seen some of my videos on YouTube or whatever. You watch me in the old days. Come on, let me work here at this bar. If I didn't have that to work with and I just had to go by my skills

I think I would starve to death. And I'm wondering I mean history teacher. You could do it. Yeah, but they have to know I don't have a di I'm not disciplined about it. I like to read all that stuff and I have a lot of weird knowledge, but I can't teach a class and I shouldn't teach a class. Uh you'd give everyone A's. You'd just feel bad, I feel like. Yeah.

Except if a if a kid was really dumb, I'd really go after him. No, I mean after school. I'd like follow him and then I thought you meant this. I'll get you, I'll kill you. I'd put a bag over my head Ha ha ha. You know, Gee, Mr O'Brien, why you have that bag on your head? It's a big thing. And then I forget that oh the McDonalds wrote my name on the bag as they passed it. You think that's the only thing that would conceal you is the bag.

Yeah. I'd have a bag on my head, but I'd be wearing a original late night with Conan O'Brien shirt and I'd have written on it, This is mine because I'm the host. In indelible ink. Um before you were known, did you have any like entry level regular jobs that weren't in the industry or anything like that? Uh well I

As we know I worked at Wilson's house of suede and leather. I was a camp counselor. You can go back. Um I I mean a lot of a lot of my stuff was not I don't have real skills in the world and this This is a problem and and I look, I'm gonna say that about myself, but I'm questioning like Sona. Yeah. I think if you when I when I met you, you were a very Hard working, efficient.

Knowledgeable person. I'm being serious. Why are you laughing? I wasn't. I know where this is going. No, but listen, but then I saw you rot. So quickly. This is where I know. I mean, seriously, rot.

just fall apart because suddenly oh there's lots of free white wine around at at n in n network events and and suddenly you're just getting paid to be on camera and tell me to fuck off. What I'm saying is could you Well let's say we and and what I'm doing for the with this exercise is saying you cannot

You cannot go into entertainment or anything like that. You have to get a job where they don't know who you are. You can't trade on the fact that you might be a known person, and for you, you can't do anything podcast related. Thank God. What would you do? I I actually Think about this. Okay. Uh You should, by the way. Wait, there's a reason you're bringing this up. Also the fact that you took no responsibility in what happened to me and how I've devolved as a person, you are a circus clown.

And so no part of my job is ever serious. And I realized early on my job was to be fodder for your bits. And so everything else just fell by the wayside. So it's your fault. So it's my fault. Okay. So no doubt I have contributed. You always have to see your own hand in things. Yes. And you rotted so quickly. I did. Guys, guys, guys. Hold on. Hold on a second.

Let's continue this discussion because I want real answers later uh in this uh in this presentation. What do you think? Okay. I think that's a great idea. So to be continued for the segment at the end of this episode. Yeah. All right. Sounds good.

My guest today is a hilarious comedian and a very good friend of mine whose new stand-up special, Loose in the Crop. is available on YouTube. The podcast always goes off the rails when he's here. Uh it's a always a beautiful disaster, so I'm looking forward to that.

I met you in uh the beginning of nineteen eighty eight. Uh I was in the writer's room at Saturday Live and uh you walked in with Dana and I was very excited to meet you. I feel like I have Alzheimer's and you're trying to remind me of what happened. Your name was Kevin Nealin. And uh you're a comedian? At the time, and then you got out of that. I did. You're more into real estate now. No. I am thrilled. No. What it's real estate's very lucrative.

I don't know when he's kidding or not. I am thrilled that you're here. And for you to say you feel nothing after all these years of us being very close. Very close. I'll tell you why I said that. Because I've felt everything already and there's nothing more to feel about you. Hate. Anger, jealousy. All of that. Um I'm determined today to keep this thing running straight. Can we please have some kind of a conversation? In the past we've had uh difficulty.

Um you and I are not real people and when we encounter each other It's like two AI chipmunks having it out. You mean you. No no no. You two, you know that you have a problem. You don't look me in the eye. I can constantly look you in your eye. Um Thrilled you're here. Thrilled you're here. And you were just down the street. I wasn't able to join you. You kindly invited me, and you were you were sitting with some heavy hitters.

Yeah. I always say with heavy hitters. Yeah. Um normally when I do a podcast I get together with the host beforehand and Kind of you know, break bread and we kinda talk about what we're gonna talk about, but a lot of prep on this. I didn't want to do that. No, no, we're going in as we always do. Hot. Uh hot. We're coming in hot. Coming in hot. How are you? You're on the road a lot, I know. You're constantly on the go.

Um you have a new special coming out. I mean this is ex these are exciting times. These are really exciting times. I got a lot of things I want to talk about here. So when you're done Pussyfootin' around. Let's get down to it. Just a little more pussyfooting. Meow. Uh no, things are going well. I I am very busy. I'm doing a lot of stand up comedy. Um and I'm really at the top as Gary Shanley used to say, Kevin, you're at the top of your game. Yeah.

Well you are. I've never seen you not be at the top of your game. I know you're you're we're talking about pickleball, right? No, no, no. Yeah, we're not doing that. You disarmed my I was gonna seriously say I I think you're uh one of the best stand up comedians I know consistently for for many, many, many years. I've never seen you not be at the top of your game. Uh you're just uh you're a winner. And if you were a hot dog you'd be a wiener.

This is why I'm this is why I'm at the bottom of your game. At the bottom of my game. That reminded me a really funny cartoon I saw once is a hot dog opening his mail and it said uh he's at the you know little mailbox and then By the way, I love food jokes. And the caption is you may already be a wiener. And that's such a good one. I I love that. That's a good one. I like that one. All right. Uh oh. Glass of water. What's going on? How are you, buddy? I'm doing great.

How many times are you gonna ask me that? How I know I'm doing really well. How are you doing? Like, you know, we come right out of the gate. I do have a special coming out. It's called Loosen the Crotch.

Loosen the Crotch. Now can you tell us what that's all about? The title. I know it's probably material you don't want to waste here because it's on the whole special if you want right now. I haven't memorized. I prefer that. Um Loosen the Crotch comes from um a cat I used to have. named Pierre. And I love this cat so much. And I'm not a cat person.

You know what I mean? I don't like cats to be honest with you. Right. I wish them well, success, but I'm not a cat person. What kind of success do you want? Just any kind of cat success. Yeah, I got it. Yeah. A cat tree, maybe. You know. Produced some good hairballs. You know, something that's good. Yeah, yeah. Um so this cat was amazing. He was just so friendly and um and I I just I loved him. I loved him. This is ten years ago he passed away. Mm-hmm. And I had a pair of jeans at the same time.

And these jeans were like the perfect fitting jeans. You know how you get a pair of jeans once in your lifetime and you just love them. It's that magical pair. It's that magical pair. I know it's hard for you because you have long legs. Like me. Like me. And so I found these jeans. They were snug in the hips.

Um tighten the butt and loosen the crotch most of the time. Uh that's where the loosen the crotch comes from. Most of the time. I mean if you became aroused, they weren't loose and i if you put'em in the hot dryer, you know. I don't know where your mind's going.

But let me can I finish? May I finish? I know exactly where my mind went. But yeah, go ahead. So uh he loved those jeans. Whenever I sat down he would jump up on those jeans. He wouldn't get off. And so when he died, I thought it might be nice to wrap him up. in those chains and bury'em. I make me feel good at least, you know. Um but that cat uh you never met Pierre? I don't think so, no. He was the best. Ten years ago. I still miss him.

Yeah. But not as much as those jeans. So you miss the jeans more than Pierre. Yeah. Do you and you regret wrapping Pierre in those jeans? I regret it big time. If I could do it again, I would not. Quick question. Yeah, where are you from? Where is he buried? Oh, he's buried in Arlington. Wow. Yeah. Did buried with full military honors. Of course. Did th I'm guessing the the cat must have served.

Um in what theater? Afghanistan? No, Cineplex. But no, he he he's done everything, this cat. Uh in fact, that's how he died. What do you mean? He was on a special mission. Okay, I see. That's the military. Yeah. So died in the line of duty.

Uh buried with full military honors, wrapped in your jeans at Arlington. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Incredible. This is an incredible story. And you know my wife was telling me a couple of years ago that I was uh jeans were looking a little tiny on me. I said, I've been wearing the same jeans for thirty years. says, Well, you believe what you want to believe. So yeah, I prove a point. So I dug up my capier and I unraveled those jeans from him.

Cat hair everywhere. I tried those jeans on and guess what? What? A little tight. That's the big big O Henry ending. Little type. Just a little type. Jero. A little bit. That cat though lost so much weight, Conan. Good for him. But a healthy amount of weight. Yeah, that happens when you of course. So yeah, it's called Loosing the Crotch. Okay. And it's gonna be on YouTube January twenty seventh. It's premiering on uh the eight hundred pound gorilla platform. Very good.

You're not writing that down. I don't have to. It's all right here. Sonata remember for you? YouTube, the eight hundred pound gorilla platform. I listen to everything you say. What's the date? You said March 11th. Oh. January 27th. What's the name of my guy? Wait, wait, say it slowly. January. You just said January, January, January. January twenty seventh.

Make sure that you get the plug in, make sure you do it correctly. The cat's name is Pierre, buried full military honors. I think we're done. No, we're not done. We're gonna keep going. I did not despair. And uh buried in a nice cat. Yeah. Listen, Kevin. You don't want a conversation with me.

You and I even we even when we get together, just the two of us, there's no microphones, there's no Sona laughing, there's no gorly looking worried. Um Whenever we get together just the two of us, it's the same bullshit. You and I don't want to have a real conversation. I know I don't. It would terrify me and I don't think you do either. Here's here's uh something that I do.

I don't know if you do this as well. But you said just the two of us. I manically automatically think of the song. Just the two of us. We can make it if we try and just the two of us. I didn't know you couldn't sing. Come on man. Let's just do this. What are you writing down over here? Nothing. I just wrote something off which was my career. Are you keeping it took me out of the game? You took me out of the game. You took me out of the game.

That was brutal. That was a brutal takedown. But the stand-up is going great. Mm-hmm. And uh a lot of let me ask you a question. I saw some press recently. Um you shut off your big mouth.

about going to the SNL 50th and you said I cock blocked Conan O'Brien with Paul McCartney and it got a lot of ink. I mean, I saw this everywhere. And by everywhere, I saw it on one site and I'm still looking. But it was everywhere. Have have I been on the show since then? No. Okay. Can we talk about that? Yeah. Do you feel badly about it? Horrible. But you did it on purpose. I'm at the Plaza Hotel and there's McCartney. We've encountered each other many times over the years.

We start having a nice chat, a really nice chat, and then you come sailing in uh and block me with Paul McCartney. You know I'm a huge Beatles fan. Why'd you do that? Well, let's back up a little bit. How far are we going? Hundred sixty. I experienced that same thing. That's why I felt horribly about it.

I was talking to people and they you know, another day, another um the night before and people just coming and interrupting me like I was nothing and just taking over the conversation. I'm just standing there. So when I did that to you, it was kinda like a revenge thing. Yeah, but somebody's gotta take it. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, uh Did you have something good to talk to McCartney about to nothing.

But I used to we used to be kind of friendly when I was on the show and he was there um because we were both kind of animal activists. And um and we talked a lot about that and Linda McCartney sat at my table when uh at that other uh reunion. And so, you know, we had a lot of discussions and stuff.

So I saw him, I thought, Oh, he's gonna be happy to see me. So I kind of come into the conversation with you guys and you step back like you should have. Yeah, I'm I'm nice that way. I created a space for you, which I now regret. I regret it too,'cause it made it look like you got pushed out instead of the biggest thing. McCartney said to me, I'm thinking of putting another band together. Would you like to be part of it? And

All I had to do was say yes and I was gonna be part of his next band. He said I think it'll be his the biggest one I've ever had. Is it his ghost? And he said, you know I'm gonna you know be three other ghosts that visit you tonight, the other Beatles and you'd better become a better person in the morning and realize that you mean new Christmas.

But anyway, um let me continue. Okay. It's McCartney as one of the ghosts, and the other ghosts are of course Lennon and Ringo Star, and then the twist is it's not Harrison. Oh. Yeah. It's Harry Bellafonte. Harry Belfante. Okay, go ahead. So you step back, all of a sudden it's me and Paul now. And I go, Hey Paul, how you doing? You had nothing. It was amazing. And I know that he's standing there getting so much small talk all night long. I'm surprised he's out on the floor.

But people are coming up to him and I'm s standing next to him and uh I I'm sensing that he doesn't remember who I was. Yeah. You know? And uh You mean a face at me like what do I do? That's what he meant and he said get security. Wait till you hear what he did. Okay. So I I say to him, that was a good choice of uh a song to do, uh Golden Slumbers. I think, well, you know, Lone wanted me to do it. Yeah. Oh, okay, okay, but you guys had other songs you could fall back on, right?

And nothing. Nothing. Kind of like now, cricket. Maybe it's my fault. If only he had one other hit, they could have pulled back on you. So anyway, shortly thereafter. And by the way, the whole time I'm looking at his mouth thinking, that's the lips where Hey Jude, all those songs came out of You know, and I'm kind of looking at it and then I see the tongue once in a while. I go, that's the tongue that pushed the music out. It was so creepy. Yeah.

could see you just staring into his mouth and he guess what? He could see it too. You were looking into his mouth as he was talking. No, I look at the lips, the way they formed the words I said, that was a word he used in Hey Jude. And and then finally he goes to me, he said, uh, oh, there's my there's my niece, oh nephew.

He goes, Uh let me introduce you to my nephew. So he brings me over to like four tall guys, you know, like executives they look like. Yeah. And he parks me there. He stands for like three seconds, then he's gone. He just did the handoff for me. You know what that's called? That's called the kneelin'. When you're talking to someone you don't want to talk to and you scrape'em off your shoe. That's what we call it.

'Cause we all do it to you. Because you look at our mouths when we're talking and it's creepy. None of us can take it. I've scraped you off my shoe many a time. I've said, Hey, look, there's my niece and my nephew and then I walk over and it's a fire hydrant. And a letter book.

And I just leave you there. Hey, come on, let's get off of this whole thing. Let's talk serious for a minute, okay? Okay. It's seriously. But anyway, go ahead. No, it's not. It's however you say it. Have you read Tex Texas lately? What? Have you heard texts lately? Nobody uses pronunciation or uh punctuation. Okay. Do you know what I mean? Do you know how they finish it? All right. So um What? So that's what happened with Paul McCartney. Yeah.

No, we're still reeling. We understood that it was a real moved on from that. You didn't need to then say, Oh, and by the way, that was the end of that story. That's a sign that something's not working out for you. Why are you so angry? I'm gonna say something. Bill Burr said this to you recently. I love Bill Burr who does the comic. He's a hilarious comic. He's a wonderful fellow. Guess what he revealed about you? He said everyone thinks you're a nice guy.

Really? But you're really pretty toxic. And you are there's a lot. Bill Burr said that? Bill Burr said it about him. That's really saying something. You know what? You come across as this beautiful, you know, delicious, red delicious apple. But there's little razor blades in there with Kevin Neal and jibs and jabs. You see it too, right? He knows how to dice and slice with the best of them. There's some anger coming out of you. I know there is.

I love how you end it with a sip of coffee. Yeah. If that's what that is. It's coffee. Yeah. No, I appreciate I appreciate you first of all, let's go back, recognize that I am a good comic. You're a great comic. Uh uh and what's the same thing. Uh your con you're it's called Loosen the Crotch. Yeah. Your cat's name was Pierre. Yeah, once it's a couple of things. And it's gonna be on YouTube and it's coming out in January. What? Well that's where it gets interesting. That's not interesting.

It gets sad'cause you can't remember. You know how I remember that? Yeah, so that helped you. No, I remember'cause uh two plus seven is nine. What? What platform will it be on? What's that? What platform? I told you it was gonna be on YouTube on the eight hundred pound gorilla. Yes.

Yes I do listen. How long is this special? Well apparent according to some critics, too long. I'd say there was an extra twenty minutes you didn't need. There was a whole part where you were just talking about airline food. No one needed that. I

Uh I've always revered you. You know that. Don't start doing a bit with a water glass. I'm listening to you. No, you're not. You're doing you're worried you're more worried about your bit with a water glass than you're about talking to me. Why is everything a bit for you? It's not why are you so defensive like that? I'm a pretty serious guy when you think about it. You are um multitalented.

You really are. True. You're hilarious uh comic and then you do this thing, you come out of the blue a couple of years ago, you um not that long ago, and I guess you were developing this in private, um, you come out with these caricatures. And they're fantastic. And you did a book of caricatures and they're really amazing. And whenever you call me, the image that comes up is your caricature of yourself. You're very talented at this. And uh I just wanted to doff my cap to you and wonder why

Still no second book. The first book was great, and I keep waiting for you to do a caricature of me, one of your heroes. First of all, I've never had anyone doft their hat to me. And I appreciate that. You don't get out much then. I And you'd also don't travel and hang out with people nineteenth century London. No, but Suri, you're you're very talented. I love doing the caricatures. I've been doing them for, you know

more seriously in the last couple of years, but I used you know, I sketched you a lot when we were doing uh You did. Um, you know, writing Hans and Franz and S and L. Mhm. And uh and I You would you were always in the corner drawing You once drew w my shoe. I used to take I would take I would wear old man's shoes when I was a writer, wingtip shoes that I got at second hand stores.

you know, flea markets. I would if I found a shoe that was my size, I would buy it. This was one of my weird things I did. And I wear jeans and a T shirt and then these old like nineteen fifties and sixties shoes. You can relate to this, Gorley. Well I think you'd like me to, but no, you've gone even too far for me. I mean People died in these shoes. And it's like your cat. These I mean and so I

would wear these shoes and then sometimes when we were writing, you all do things when you're bored or you're trying to come up with an idea. I would take off one of my shoes and I would put it on the table. And just look at it while I was thinking. Yeah. And I would look at this old man's shoe that I wore, and you once sketched. Me looking at my shoe. Yeah. Yeah. That, by the way, is MOMA now. Yeah. That particular one is that Mama. Is that MOMA? Yeah.

You invested nothing in that lie. You you you quickly realize this company's not gonna work on a pro I hit and run. Hit and run. Let's not lose any uh time. But um people are always asking me, Can I buy one of your paintings? And I never was really selling them. I just had the book. Yeah. And so now I opened up a uh store on Shopify.

Kevin Nealandart.com. Is that true? This is your second plug. How many more plugs does he get? Oh two more. Okay. Yeah. So um so yeah, people can go there and um and buy my paintings if they like. And uh it's quite easy. And I in fact I do have one of you that I did. Oh you did one of me? No, you didn't. Did you really because you've never done a proper one of me and I was a little hurt because you were doing all these.

fan art. So many different caricatures of you and drawings. Um there's no more orange paint out there. I can't find any more orange paint. Okay. All right. It's a good it's a good one. Anyway, this is it. And it's uh it's my attempt. It's my first attempt. You see my chair. Oh my god. Wow. That is amazing. That is so good. Jesus, that oil? That is amazing.

That's beautiful. Oh my god, I love that. I'm uh you know how long I had to look at a reference picture of you You can't remember. I know every I got the vein in the wrong area now that I'm looking. But uh There's that incipient IV. That's incredible. That is really a beautiful We should mention that you can go to at Team Coco Podcast on Instagram to see this painting. But uh you know, your your hands really would explain that face because they were like this.

Yeah. You know how you kinda I uh well, you know what I'm trying to do? This is me, I believe, last year at the Oscars and This is at the Oscars. And this is me I make I put my hands out sometimes When the crowd's so enjoying my material I'm afraid they might surge forward. Okay. And I need to keep them back. Do you know what I'm saying? Kevin Neal and Art.

You know what I'm saying? This is a that's incredible. Now tell us what what uh what are you using here? Are you using acrylics? Are you using oils? What are you using? It's all cram. I'll tell you what I'm using since you asked me. It's called multimedia unique, I believe it's called. So there's different um different uh mediums. It's uh sketch. I sketch, and then I do digital, and then I do paint. It's really gorgeous.

Thank you. Are you giving this to me or is this something I hate to do? No, no, you get this on the store. Hey, you put this up on the store, this would be huge. It's gonna be huge, believe me. And by the way, I was gonna put something on the back. It's gonna say This belongs to Conan. Do not accept as a regift.

Because I know what I know you got a lot of this stuff going on. No, I I just I I love that. I think you're I mean you're a phenomenal talent across the board. You really are. I am. But you know what? What I don't like to do my hat to it. It's it's more cap. You doff your cap. You tip your hat. Captain's no. So, um you okay?

Uh uh you want to talk some more about my accomplishments? Well I'm not sure what's the same thing. Do you know that I used to sketch pictures of Farley? Chris Farley? Kevin Farley. Uh Farley. I don't know just waste. Light can't escape you and neither can a decent conversation. It all gets sucked into that black maw. Here's the problem. We are both magnets. But with opposite uh polar attraction. And neither one of us wants to be serious with each other because we know what.

I just I I don't know. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to do. Well you know that uh that was a real sneeze. That was a real sneeze.

What if it came out of there? What if there was snot coming out of there? No, I'm swear to God, I'm thinking I'm allergic to this. Whatever we have. I've never sneezed like that on the podcast, and it just came up right there when you couldn't even have. Complete a sentence with me. No, no, no. You couldn't complete the sentence. I gave it to you, and you couldn't complete it with me. I said we're two polar opposites, uh, and that's because

And then you sneezed. I think we both have similar talents. Uh we occupy uh the same band in the whole array. If you think of a rainbow, there are many different colors, many different frequencies of light. It's your fault. I'm gonna put this down because I think it's distracting us. And thank you very much for this. You don't like it? I love it. There's a shredder down there. Let's talk about sneezing for a minute. I can make a sneeze really loud. Yeah. I mean it's I

Scare my family sometimes. Because I I don't have to make it loud, but I can make it w you know, come the not the breathing in but the coming out. Yeah, yeah. It's a shriek. um freaks out when I sneeze because it's a shriek it's a loud shriek. Does Tack do this? It's a thing that men do. I do it. I'm a loud sneezer. I like getting it out. No, me too. I want to get it out. I think that's safer. And if you muffle it, I always think I'll get an aneurysm.

So I go the other way and I shriek as if I'd be stabbed to death when I when I sneeze. Uh you do the same? Uh mine is more like a You know? It's really loud though. And I'm telling you, it scares my sharing. I don't think you're sneezing. No, no, it's a sneeze. No, no. I think you own a laser. I swear to God. I don't think you're sneezing. No, no. That's not a sneeze. We were walking down the sidewalk in Chicago.

Pierre. Okay. Uh my wife. Oh, my son and my wife. Okay. Susan and Gable. And I sneezed and there was a family of four with a stroller in front of us, like maybe five yards in front of us. And I sneezed. So loud. Everybody The family turned around. What what and I was kind of embarrassed. So I was looking around like who did that? You couldn't admit it was you. No. You just brought up your wife and your son. I'm huge fans of theirs. Your wife

Likewise. It was beautiful. Talking about your wife now. Gorgeous. You know, my wife very beautiful as well, but But well what happens is familiarity breeds contempt. We look at each other every day and uh No, we're both very lucky men. But my God, your son, I'm gonna say his name, Gable. Yeah. What a handsome, polite young man. He is so polite in an old world kind of way. That's a guy who would doff his cap to me if he could afford a cap.

You're not a big earner. My point is he is uh he's just an incredible fellow. Thank you. And he loves you too. Of course he does. He does impressions of you, in fact.

What? He does impressions. Well now I don't like him so much. What are they cruel impressions? No, they're right on he he finds the little nuances of people. He's a really good mimic. He will come over to you and and uh he's doing you to me. He'll come over and grab my shoulders and go Uh you know, I gotta why I do something like that.

Grab a man by the shoulder and Sona. Um I like to I I like to grab a shoulder. I like to get hands on people. Yeah, yeah. This has caused me problems in the past, subways. Uh but I like to um when I see a fella like you I like to just grab you and take stock of you, see how you're doing. And shake you a little bit say something like what am I gonna do to you? Yeah, yeah. What are you gonna do? Well that's just my inner voice. There's an inner voice

Inner part of me is a lot of like tent up like um anger, rage. Yeah. I'm gonna kill you. That is true. So um my wife and I spince you brought her up, we are executive producers. I said, I think you know on a um Sundance winner.

Called Come See Me in the Good Light. It's a documentary. This is very Did you see it? Yeah. It's on Apple T V right now. And you know what? This is incredible. That's your I think you're up to three plugs now. You get one more plug. Um I'm gonna go I'm gonna recap on some of these two. Okay.

Did you get when you work with your wife, can you get along or do you do you disagree a lot? Oh no, we get along great. Yeah, she's a good partner. Okay. But the executive producing, um it's it's we're two of the people then there's a there's a So it's uh it's quite a and it's a great uh it's a great documentary and I think you're gonna be hearing a lot about it. Okay. Well you're hearing about it right now. When is this coming on, by the way? I when is this February ninth.

Oh no. Did you think this was going right out? I thought it was live. No, I thought February 9th. You know what a 2026? Twenty seven. Very ninth. Okay. I can deal with that. Um I love this building. A great building. Do you own it? Look at me. Look at me. I do. Do you really? Yeah. I hate to break it to you, but I um I own a lot of real estate in Los Angeles. I'm the largest landowner in Los Angeles. I own buildings.

I c no, I just own I don't own the buildings and this has been a problem. I did the wrong thing. It's hard to get to your land when there's a building on it. uh buildings that I don't own. And I'm talking very small. What's your favorite uh piece of land that you own? Catalina. Come on, can we please just have something going on? You know what? I w I'm gonna just ask listeners, get a transcript of this.

And I think they're readily available. What's the name of the documentary I was talking about? Uh we're not gonna Come and See Me in the Good Light. Yeah. And it's on Apple T V right now. Yeah. And um it's a love story, Conan, if you're interested. No really. Uh I I'm gonna give you that one. I'll give you that one.

What do you mean you'll give me that one? I don't need you to give me anything. My quips are as good as anyone. My quabs, they're right up there with the best. What happened there? What was that? We're not gonna air this. Do you w do you wanna not air this one? Are you seriously thinking about it? I'm thinking about it.

So it's a good it's a real good documentary. Don't stop doing that. You keep retreating. You're gonna be back at McCartney's show. I plugged it on. What do you got some nephews over there? Some nieces? I have plugged everything now. Do you root for me?

Be honest, I do you root for me? I think Tell me what you think. I think you don't. I think you want me uh to be destroyed. And then you get to come on, give me a hand up. That's what you want to do. Hey buddy, just walk it off. You put your hand out, I take it, but then you pull it away. And you do that thing where you brush the side of your head? What do you think, Gorley, you seem stunned. I'm just stunned by the fact that you would ask someone if they root for you. Yeah. Yeah.

It's purely fun. Do you root for me? Pardon me, sir. Will you root for me? I could really use someone to root for me. I want everyone rooting for me. And if they're and that's why I go up to people and say, Do you root for me? Do you root for me? Sometimes I'm talking to someone with a terminal illness.

And I'll say, Do you root for me? Do you root for me? And they're like, I have maybe minutes left in this consciousness on this earth and you're asking me if I root for you? Do you do ya? Do you root for me?

That's what you do right there. You take the bit and you run with it. I like it. That's what it is. I know your stuff. I told you that before. So I take a bit and I run with it. That's what most people do. I was not rooting for you, but I'm happy for you. Thank you. I don't think you are. You want You you cried. You cried saying how surprised you were that I had gotten anywhere in the world.

I really was. Yeah, I think I think you have trouble accepting that you're so successful. Please, I don't believe it. I'm s you know, I'm working my way. Keep my head down. And doing the best I can. That's all I'm doing. I know. But when will you relax and know that you're near enough? That's not gonna happen. And that's sad. Not in your life. And that's why I stopped rooting for you. Okay. Because you're a lost cause. You're a lost cause, my friend. Uh and um You do sit-ups.

I do actually. I do sit ups, yeah. Are you s uh will you be chasing the six pack forever?'Cause I know I am. I would like to have it once. I'd like to have a six pack. I had a one I have a one pack and then it turned out it was a It was an inflated boobos. It was a pustulating booboo. Inflamed liver. Yeah. Um do you have you ever had the perfectly sculpted body and long before I met you? Oh god, I got pictures.

Do you shr did you show you a physical specimen one day, weren't you? Can I show you a picture? I no you've done this you ask a lot of people this. I asked people Do you root for me? And you ask people Do you want to see a picture? And it's never gone well for either one of us. You asked me if I had a picture. Yeah. Oh okay, let's see your picture. It's in my phone. I got a lot of pictures. Okay. They're all of you and then one of me. All right.

Good one. You got me that ton. You wanna see a picture? Yes I do. I don't have one. Good one. You've seen this is Kevin Nealan's act right now. Hey everybody. Wanna see something cool? Yes we do. And that's our show. What are you doing? I got an eight by ten on here if you want to see that. I do. This is gonna just take too long, man. You just go on go on um Abercrombie and Fidge. You'll see me on the wall over there. Ha ha ha ha!

It's just too much it's too long. It'll take too long. I'll send it to you. What's your give me your email? Sure. Root for me at gmail dot net. Ha ha ha. What's the plan, Kevin? You and I have both just We've had a good run. We've had a good run. We've had a great run. And what do we do now? Uh where you know, there's a lot of young comics out there, a lot of young people out there.

Uh coming up with great stuff. Uh is it time for us to fade away? What do you think the plan is now? Well, time now to fade away? No. No. This is what we're doing. We try even harder. Yeah. Okay. Um but you're right, there are a lot of young comics out there. And it's uh Are you okay? What is wrong with you?

You know, you just do what you do. You know, I've been doing what I do for a long time. I've been doing what you do but nothing happens. Why do you keep covering up your mouth? Is that like uh what are you doing? It's because trying to s save you embarrassment. Okay. Um No, I just I like what I'm doing. And you know I've gotten to that. What's going on here, buddy? I see why you need a friend. I like what I do. I'm happy with it. I'm not chasing it anymore. I think I'm pretty good.

You know, I'm not pulling punches with myself. You just went I think I'm pretty good. I think I'm pretty good. It just looked like you were like four drinks in. You're great. You're one of the greats. You are one of the greats. How many are you the su uh Hundreds. Thousands. Um you are among hundreds of thousands of grades. No, you are a singular talent. You don't What's that funny noise you just made? Sorry. I'm trying to I'm trying to say something that I don't believe.

You don't do political comedy, you don't lean on the culture. You just get up there and you talk, you have fantastic, brilliant jokes. Uh, you're one of my favorite humorists of all time. You really are. You're great. And you're very I I believe that, and I believe that you are a unique voice and you've never compromised, you know? I mean occasionally in some advertisement or something.

But in your work, in your stand up, you've never compromised. And I think that's rare, very rare. And I have great respect for you. Appreciate that. Yeah. Now let me tell you a joke I just wrote. Okay.

This is where I think it might be getting a little hacky. Okay. I was in Phoenix last week. I've flown in, I got there. It was a long time to get there because of the cancellation stuff. And I'm going to my hotel room and I'm starving and I'm exhausted. And I see the safe. I thought it was a microwave. I thought, Oh good, I did a microwave. So I put a frozen Mac in there, I locked it up for six to eight minutes.

You just thought of that. No, I thought about it before and I've I've honed it down. So you thought of it for when did you think of it? How long ago? This is important. Like five days ago. Okay. I haven't stopped working on it.

I finally fine tuned it. Yeah. Let me say it again. Because you weren't paying attention. So I was really exhausted. You were tired. And I was hungry. And I come into the hotel room and I notice there's a safe off to my peripheral vision. Mm-hmm. And I go, Oh, good. So I um I locked up a frozen mac and cheese in there for six to eight minutes. And I left it in there. Mm-hmm. And so the next people came in, the woman put her necklace in the safe into the frozen mac and cheese. Ha ha ha ha

This is a new thing you're on to, period. And then the lets the audience know. You let the audience know that the joke has been told. Period. I I like it. I like it. Let's look at the picture again. Do you crack yourself up a lot when you think of these things? I find myself pretty funny. Does your wife think you're funny? Yes. Yeah. Yes. People um it's so condescending, but people are always

Maybe you should think about other people besides yourself. That's a good point. But I mean you love her for a lot of things. No. But you don't show it. Again, it comes back to you being uh too insensitive to show your feelings. Let me finish. When did you just say that he said that on my hike? Yeah, he's hiking with Kevin. He said it and did you hear what he just said? Oh, forced plugs. That was the last one I got. You said four. That's the fourth plug. Yeah, you said I got a four.

Yeah, I didn't think you'd get there. That's incredible. Oh, I'm gonna get to six before I leave. Okay. Did you but he just breathed out. I know. You you have so much venom in you. It comes out, but you're a lovely man. I'm gonna say that you're a lovely guy and I think you've got a big heart, but right? There's little Just little razor blades in there. Bill Burr's right. You've got these little tiny razor blades.

I know. He said it on the hike, yeah. But I was baiting him. I was pushing his buttons. To try to get some kind of a Bill Burr reaction. You didn't need to you didn't need to bait him. He's not from Boston. He's told that many times. He's from the suburbs. Yes. And he got angry because I kept saying he's from Boston. Well, I always think that means Boston area. Don't you think that's fair? That's what I said.

Wow, M Matt wants no part of this podcast today. Just ordering from Grubhub. Uh projecting on each other. Have you noticed we talked about this last time? Like you're accusing him of those things that you might as well be pointing in a mirror and same thing. Exactly. Exactly. If I was pointing at a mirror, I'd be pointing at myself.

Myself. That's why you're so angry at me. So you're saying I'm calling him out on things that are all me. Yeah. There are little razor blades in what I say. And vice versa. Yes. Yeah. So we're kind of the same guy and that's why these are so weird. That's what he's getting to with the magnets. You're the same magnet, but you're polarized. This is really good. I'll be back in about an hour. You know what? You we we are

Yes, that is why these are so fucking weird. Uh-huh. These and and fantastic uh slash disturbing is that it's two of the same people. And we it's kind of fight clubby where you may not know the other one doesn't exist. You know what I mean? Yes. You you know what I mean? You don't. Oh, okay. I'm confused by that. I think that if we let our guards down and open ourselves to each other, we'll find out that we're really not Worse money.

As a person. Seriously. It's just and that's why we keep that wall up, because we don't want to know. I don't want to accept that truth. That's true. You are me and I am you, and I've told you this a million times. You got us back there, didn't you? Would you like to do a plug for Sir Paul? What are you thinking about right now? What do you have to do later today? No, I was just thinking about how this is Kind of revelatory that we are the same.

And I I told you this a million times, but it bears repeating. When I met with Lauren for the first time To maybe get a job at SNL, he asked me uh who was my favorite cast member and and you were pretty new, but I had seen you do some things on Update and I said, I like Kevin Neal and And um Lauren kind of made a face like, Hm, okay.

Want another shot at that question? No, he loved you too. He loved you too. I'm kidding. But but my my point I have to hear that story one more time, it's gonna drive me crazy. But I get it. But my point is I think I was some guy on my couch in late nineteen eighty seven in my early twenties looking at someone on TV and I think I saw something that was in me. That's why I liked you. And now uh you and I are both

Sick in the exact same way. It's fascinating. You guys both want each other to root for yourself. Yes. I want and you know what? That's because I want to root for me. Yeah, exactly. This is fascinating. We are through the looking glass. This is incredible. I want you to root for me because I want to root for me instead of hating me. And that's why you can't finish a sentence with me and all of your you know, okay, it's uh what are you spam? Have you had spam lately?

We're not completely alike. There are some crucial differences. No, I agree with you. Spam uh summer camp. Summer camp they used to cut off slices of ham and put it in a skillet when I was up there in the woods in New Hampshire and fry it up and I remembered looking at the

spam cooking and then looking at my red freckled arm and thinking those look the same. Seriously. That's a real memory. Did they put brown sugar on it? Because that helps with anything. My father used to cook everything with brown sugar. Spam, bacon.

It's amazing. I thought I had just cracked this elemental thing. If you had been in the room with Einstein When he was sitting there at the patent office and he said, Wait a minute, maybe E equals M C squared and maybe everything is relative and the speed of light you would have cut him off. You would have cut him off and said Do you really think a bidet works? A bidet. Like a Japanese toilet. Do you think those really work?

I mean isn't the toilet doing most of the work? Aren't we supposed to do some of the work? Oh, wait. What did I say? Did I say equals wait, what was it? I forget now. What about spam? You ever have spam? Ever a spam? Did it look like you're on it? No, because whenever we go on a hike together and we're doing my little hike on uh YouTube, hiking with camera.

You are always like looking at so like this is all so ridiculous. This whole notion of hiking and talking to somebody in the drone. It's just what am I doing here? Okay, let's go. When we did when I did the second hiking with Kevin, you had this drone. You devote you devoted so much time to getting these drone shots. That are the most unimpressive drone shots you'll ever see. They're taken from ladder height. If we had brought a ladder, we would get

The same shot and you kept having this thing go up. I think you have separation anxiety from your drone. You wanted it only to be like two feet away from us at all times, and you spent forever fucking around with the drone. And and then packing it up and putting it back in its little backpack and you would go along and then you'd release it again, but not too high, just up to here.

And you're not going to be able to do Bill Burr loved the drone. Uh huh. He loved the drone, man. He's a suburban guy. Yeah, you know. Um you really found it ridiculous. And yet you won never say no to me. No, I don't. And I do love you too. You know why? Because I do love you. And I do feel badly And I do love myself then. I do feel badly uh sometimes asking him for things. No, you don't. I do'cause I'm thinking when is he gonna say no? When is he gonna say no? I I'm I'm a sucker for you.

I'll do anything that you'll get. Yeah. Um

Kevin EalonArt.com? No, I'm not gonna I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna be one of those people who just plugs things. F for the rest of this thing, let's just talk about time you were on my show and we were having a what I thought was a real conversation and then I asked you about your health.

And you started to talk about, Yeah, well I had Aphib and sa da da da and I'm like, Oh, that's really rough and he was like, Yeah, yeah, yeah. And this is on the talk show and then you said, Yeah, but you know so you gotta, you know, maybe sure that you get the medicine and just and then you looked into camera away from me and said

Just uh check with your doctor, make sure it's the right medicine for you. And I felt this chill go through my spine, then I went, Okay, uh Kevin Neal and everybody, band plays. I said, What the hell was that? And you went, Well, if I don't say that part, I don't get paid. And I went, What? What? You did a commercial and you worked it into our conversation where I was a I don't care about your deal. I was asking you about your health and then you look into a camera and it's like

Just make sure it's the right medication for you. No, I said check with your doctor first to make sure it's the right medication for you. I'm sorry I butchered. No, I worked on that line for a long time. It was such a weird Sad moment for me. I don't even know you're gonna at the end of this, you're gonna look to camera and say, just make if you lack sincerity, just make sure you take sincerity.

And the pharma company said, you know, in your contract, you have to do one late night talk show or any kind of talk show. You never told me this. You could have said something. You were a guest on my show. You're a friend of my I'm the guest. Why couldn't you say and by the end I'm gonna do this thing for a pharmaceutical company? Oh to help you out. I would have said like wow you look much better.

Well, what's champ different in your life? Well now I'm on Shabbataiabdo. Do you know why I didn't? Because I knew you could handle it. I knew you could take care of yourself. It was creepy. It was creepy. Well that's creepy. It was a betrayal. People loved it. They loved that information. This audience did stand and cheer. And they went, We will check with our doctor to make sure it's the right medication for us.

They did. I'll never forget that. They did, I said. And they said, check with doctor, check with doctor. And they lifted you up on their shoulders and they took you out. Check with doctor. Check with doctor. Check with doctor. Check with doctor. Uh made a lot of money from that. Okay. Great. No thanks to you. Yeah. Little heads up next time. Okay. Well about that. I'm gonna wrap this up because you're a terrible person, but and I'm talking to myself now, not to you. Um

Do you want to recap anything? Yeah. Uh you screwed me over with McCartney. You completely screwed me over on the talk show when you did an ad for some AFib medication without telling me first. And it was weird and a chill went up my spine. I have a suspicion that you're not gonna give me that painting, that you're gonna take it and sell it on uh uh strew a friendover.net. Kevin Neilhart.com. Uh uh You're right. That was a really, really um disgusting and self

Promotional. Promotional thing. Mm-hmm. Um, but you know what? It made my life better. And I know you're rooting for me for my life to be better. Yeah. Right? I mean you can't disclaim that. Yeah. Um but yeah, I mean I think the major thing that um well I don't wanna re I don't wanna recap all the plugs I did. No, you don't need to. But you do have to see my special.

Yeah. I think you're gonna like it. And I will. And I'll see it clearly. Because I'm using a new medication. It's called Zabadabah. Um I care about you. I think you're one of the great One of some other grades. We're not gonna get into that. Um Next time I come, can we please just talk like we're normal people? Kevin Nealin. Because I'm I'm getting to the point now where I really can't have a c conversation with you and if I learn anything about you. It's just like total

Darts in the eyes. Thanks for being here, Kevin. Thanks for being here. Thank you for having me. I really appreciate I appreciate I appreciate any time I'm on I am able to be on your show. Thanks whether it's late night talk show or this or the im or the Oscars. Good having you here. Thank you, Kevin. Good to be here. You take care.

Okay, we're back on this subject and you were about to find out from Sona what she would do if she didn't have this job. Listen, I I have great admiration for you, but I'm just wondering what would you do seriously? Let's be honest. I know what I would do. What? Because I think about this I would work at Costco. Why is everyone laughing? Hold on. Hold the phone. I'm listening. I'm not laughing. Costco's one of my favorite places in the whole world. I love going there.

And everyone who works there is kind of cool. And all you know, you like check things and you have to put it in the carts the right way and there's no bagging. And you do the B B B. And everyone's happy. Most of the people there are happy'cause they're getting like a lot of stuff for a good deal. Yeah. So I would and I think that they it's a good company. They have good benefits. I've seriously looked into it.

I know that the customers are very happy. You get the sense that the people who work at Costco are really happy. Thank you. Like it's like a a well known thing. I could do it too. I no, but and the thing is, I know you could. Yeah. I know you could. I think there'd be I think there'd be a couple of weeks early on where you'd be saying, I don't get it. Where's the free booze? Yes and um make poo-poo and butt jokes.

When do I I mean you know You don't think they make poo poo and butt jokes at Costco? I've made poo and butt jokes at the end. Okay. I have to say in my defense I've made one hey Eduardo, good one? And mad respect for Eduardo. I've made poo-poo pee-pee butt jokes at every job I've ever worked. So I bring people down to my level. Even when you worked at that IBS clinic. I'm here for my IBS. Why? Please stop it. Stop it.

I just came here to leave a sample for the doctor. Poo poo beepy. Poo poo beepy. Sample. There's poo poo in there. Yeah, of course there's a point. That's funny. It's funny. And then you'd chase them out into the parking lot with their sample. Ha ha ha poo poo beepy. Poo poo beepy. Yeah. Um

Listen, uh I think you would do fine at Costco. I do think there'd be a period of adjustment. Hey, where are the famous people I get to meet? Yes. All that kind of stuff. Yeah, exactly. I is that not part of it? Is that not part of the job? That's cool. Do I get to fly in a class higher than economy. Like when I used to use your credit card and buy myself. No, all that stuff is gone. Gone, gone. Okay. Well that's so I I I think I need to rethink rethink this. And rethink it. Rethink it. Yeah.

Um yeah. No no I but I do think I I know you're incredibly practical and you you're completely self made. Yeah no one ever offered you anything and you made yourself and so I know that you would do okay and now The I

Is it what you want to do or realistically have to do? You know what I mean? I think it's uh um what I'm talking about is you've gotta put food on the table. You're gonna have two kids. Okay. Um they're crying. These are really young kids. And I'm gonna say your wife cannot help in any way. You need to make some money. I guess I would just go back to teaching. I'd full time teaching. And what what with the subject?

theater for y for twenty five years. I'm gonna take that away from you and say it can't be that performing arts. Yeah, it can't be anything to do with performing arts. It has to be something practical, something I then I I think I would do like um uh interior design consultation, but not like decorating, but like remodeling. But you're good with woodwork and things like that, aren't you? Could you do could you be a contractor?

I couldn't be a contractor, no. I could be a consultant, like a design remodeling consultant. You know what I mean? Like that kind of thing. I just think in desperate times you can't say, well, off to be a consultant. I know. That's why I'm thinking So what is it? benefits with consultant work either, right? Because I've always just kind of worked gig style, you know? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. What seriously, what do you think? It can't be anything to do with be honest.

What could I do? I I'm gonna I I was thinking the same thing. Don't say teacher or anything. I know, but I was thinking the same thing girls was, which is teacher. But I also can I be serious for a sec? I think you'd be a really great politician. Maybe a local politician.'Cause you're very likable, you're funny, and you're also very smart and I think you're charismatic and I think you would you know, you'd be like

You'd be like, Hey guys, I'm on the city council. Um and then you would you're not easily corruptible. You'd be one of the good ones. So I think you'd be a good politician. Yeah, I think so too. Can you go out and get a job quickly as a politician? That's why I'm thinking about I'm just thinking about, oh, it's the depression. Yeah. Your business has completely gone away.

Um the robots have taken over. There's smoldering ruins. I gotta go out. Then I I would just do construction work. I would just go join a firm and just help build houses or something. I guess I mean one thing I could do is model.

Oh, is that where this was heading all along? No, I just thought of it. No, no, no. That's not where this is heading. No, no, no, I'm not, I'm not. I just thought of it this moment, but I am Wait, why do you say no way? I have very sharp cheekbones. You have No I Um you're incredibly the only one who is looking at male models in a catalog who are showing you like glasses and saying, Where's the rest?

I don't see the rats. Also, models are not supposed to have huge asses because they're supposed to show the clothes. Long legs. I have very long legs. Walking down the runway. Can you walk down a r can you do a can you do a runway walk? You could do like a funny runway walk. Yeah, but that's not what you're supposed to do. You can't well you can't be serious. I would take the attention off the clothes. Can you do it? Do it, do it, do it. Okay, see? You can't do it.

Hey Conan, be sexy, be sexy, Conan, be sexy. Show us sexy. Give us a sexy look. You're a bad boy, Conan. Get you real good in the bedroom, you know, really tell you something. Talk dirty, talk dirty. Yeah. I'm gonna put jelly on my chest. Alright, now your your model that you're with, act like you want her. Like act like you really just want her. You wanna have sex with her. Oh god. Oh my god. Oh no! Woo Put on my glasses, windshield wipers, beat bog, red fog, red box steam.

Hair spins around. Oh my god. So if you lose this job, you'll just be institutionalized. I will be immediately institutionalized away. I'll make money'cause people will come and study me. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, we cracked it. We all know where we're going. You're going to Costco. Yeah, baby. You're going to a local construction site. I will be institutionalized because I'm criminally insane. Exactly. Theme song by the White Stripes Producer is Aaron. Eduardo Perez and Brendan

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