David Spade Returns

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Hey guys, my name is David Spade and I feel somewhat sick. about being just more like bad tummy about being Conan's friend. You know, I think I've always had that effect on you. No, maybe I'll change it to honored. Too late. Okay. Fall is here, hear the yell Back to school, ring the bell Brand new shoes, walk and lose Climb the fence, books and pens I can tell that we are gonna be friends Okay, hit it. Friendship is a good thing. Quiet. It's a miserable life. It's a miserable life.

The whole rhythm of friendship is a good thing. Quiet. It's so insane. Okay, here we go. Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, joined by Sonoma Sassian. Hi. And Matt Gourley. And I had something kind of sweet and uplifting to talk about. My wife noticed this. Suspicious. I know. Even I'm suspicious. But, of course, the wildfires occurred. And Sona, you... Lost your home. It was terrible. Oh my God. What?

What's the matter? I just went, she gone. She gone. Like a 70s yacht rock sauna. I know. It's devastating. You're processing it, but it was devastating. And we've talked about it here. And the fire came right, as I've said to people. We were crazily lucky. The fire came to the back of our yard, to the edge of our yard, and stopped. and burned some stuff on the edge of our property. And there was smoke damage, but we were overwhelmingly, crazily lucky. And I'm back living in the house now.

Liza noticed that we had these fruit trees, this little small area of fruit trees in the backyard, and all of them burned. and are like charred and had to be cut down and taken away, except one. The pomegranate tree that your parents gifted me and Liza. Back when... You guys hosted our engagement party. That's right. With...

Just 200 of our closest friends and family. No joke. It was huge. Yeah, we had a big party in the backyard for urine tax engagement and a bunch of... I mean, obviously your friends and your family came and I was, I mean, I didn't think I was getting a gift because that wasn't the point of it, but your parents brought this pomegranate tree.

And we planted it along with all the other trees. And it kind of doesn't make sense because all the other trees burned. And there's not a really good reason why this tree didn't burn. Yes, there is. Which is, say. Well. Pomegranates represent prosperity. So, obviously. And it's part of, I mean. It's the Armenian voodoo that my mom put into the tree. It's protecting, it protected your house. That's why it's fine. You're welcome.

Did you have a pomegranate tree in your, did your parents give you one for your house? I had that question as well. I did. The tree survived. Wait a minute. Okay. But wait, did your pomegranate tree survive? It did survive, actually. But it didn't save the house. No, no, it didn't serve its purpose. Maybe it just didn't know which house it was supposed to be guarding. It did protect the yoga studio that my neighbors built next door. That's the closest structure to it. You probably-

faced the tree wrong and it probably misunderstood. Like a well-intentioned dog. Don't worry, I saved the yoga studio, you idiot. Oh my God. But wait, I have to say, because I've traveled to Armenia with you. Yeah. pomegranates and the pomegranate tree. It's like it is a very important part of Armenian culture. Yeah, it's got a lot of symbolism to it. It's very it's a very important fruit in our culture. And I think that and also it's not just it didn't just survive. It's green and lush.

Yes. I mean, ours is in bloom. It's spectacular looking as if nothing happened, surrounded by stumps. And I thought that was. Very cool. You now have to believe in the Armenian. I know we've talked about the like witchcraft my mom does and the things that she believes in. You have to admit that there's some truth. Something. I never I don't think I was a big denier of the power. Yes, you were. What do you mean? When my mom.

buried a baby doll in the front yard. So you just said buried a baby? Yeah, but when she buried a doll in the front yard, you laughed about it. But wait, what was that for? I can't remember. For me to have babies. And guess what? It worked. Yeah. Through science. Thank you. Sure, my fertility doctors may have had something to do with it. You had twins. Did she bury one baby or two babies? She buried one, but it's not like- Was it a real realistic plastic baby dog?

or was it like a Ken doll or was it a... No, it was like this doll I actually had when I was a kid and it's gender neutral too. It doesn't have any genitalia. That's weird. The baby doll didn't have a big swinging dick. When shopping for baby dolls, I like one with a big cock! How ever did she find one like that? Wow, that's a real find. Those are hard to find these days. Yeah.

Just insane. Your logic today, Sona. I don't know. This doll poops, it wets, it cries, and it becomes massively erect. And it stars in its own skinamax after dark. Oh, come on. Well, yeah, all you're saying. It's got a little weird mustache. 70s mustache. No, it's gender neutral. So it didn't it didn't look like a girl. It doesn't look like a boy. She buried it. And then I got pregnant.

Right. With yes, the help of fertility doctors. But still, I am not someone who I say, if it's working for you, go with it. And I don't pretend to know the answers. I really don't. Yeah. So I'm and I was very impressed and I have been. very impressed by Armenians and by your country. And I'm just like, you guys have this very strong spirit. And I think, yeah, I would give it up for any power that you guys have. And this tree surviving, I have to say it's a.

powerful thing to see. It's cool. My parents, I sent them a picture of it because Liza sent me a picture of the tree. It's surrounded by just charred stuff. And they were really touched and happy that it survived. They were really, really happy. And my mom was not surprised, by the way. She kind of knew it would survive. I don't mean to ruin the moment. I'm just thinking of your mom burying a baby doll with a huge plastic dick. And the dick is sticking out of the soil.

She buried it six feet under, but still. And then it flowers. The dick is coming out and then it flowers. And a pomegranate comes out the tip of the dick. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Oh, my God. And your mom just turns to a camera and goes, it's the power of Armenia.

Well, anyway, we've ruined another episode of Conor O'Brien Needs a Friend. All right, my guest today is a hilarious comedian and a very old friend of mine. His latest standup special, David Spade, Dandelion is available for streaming on Prime Video. I am thrilled he's here today. I really do love hanging with this guy. David Spade, welcome. I think you should roll right when people walk in because then you see the real and then when I drop my bullshit act and I start being nice to everyone.

for the cameras rolling now oh it is okay now the whole thing where you said And we were talking about how you hate Italians. Why do you hate Italians? I said it on the stairs. It doesn't count. We are on our way in. Thanks for being here.

Do you have like a beginning or is this the beginning? Whenever you're ready. I've seen this show a million times. I'm clear. I love that when you walked in, they said, you said, which one's Conan? No, I know. I knew you were the taller. Oh, this one with hidden cameras. Dana told me all about it. Well, I want to mention, first of all, you and Dana do a great podcast, Fly on the Wall. Thank you.

uh and um you guys get all the backstage dirt on what's going on at snl over the years plus you talk to other people yeah we sort of watered and we sort of ran through you got through everybody yeah you know Once you would talk to Jim Brewer six times, you knew you had to move on. Gervitz is always like, you haven't scratched the surface. There's another 900 cast.

Yeah, but Bill Squankmeyer from 1988. At a certain point, we realized, I guess people do like stars. That's the sad part. Mark Gervitz, by the way, if you don't know, he's been a manager at Brillstein for, I think, 75 years. 70 to 100 years. 7,800 years. He used to represent Al Jolson. It's a funny reference, so you should look it up. I know he's old. Yeah, thank you. Hey, Conan likes money.

I guess you don't like money. So you're telling me, you want to do a gig in Ottawa tomorrow? I go, tomorrow? Sorry, I'll call Danny. He likes money. That's what Gervet says to you? So he will give you shit about not taking a gig because he says that Dana will take the gig. Yeah, and he just does it to make you feel bad.

Yeah. Because they sit there in their office with their feet up and they get 10% of whatever. So it's better if you just say yes and they hang up the phone and go, oh, he's on three flights to Ottawa and I make money. So it's better if you say yes. Yes. Oh, they like a yes. They like a yes. And they don't care what you go through. Not at all. It's a pretty good gig. It's in Anchorage. Somebody hates Alaska. I don't hate a lot.

I think it's far. Okay, I'll break it to Alaska. They're your fans. This is what it's like, you know, having a manager. Yeah. But I have to say, I've had the same guy. since day one, you know, when I got out here. I will tell you a quick story that, do we have an hour?

This is six hours. Okay, this will fit in perfectly, this one story. It's exactly 58 minutes. Right, it's about how you grew up until this moment. No, this is a good manager story, so, and I know then we'll get into stuff. And I will quickly say, Mark Gerwitz, I've known him for a long time, and he's-

a mensch he's a good fella yeah i think i've only told the story on 17 podcasts that's okay have you ever heard people say this no one listens i haven't told this i haven't told this anywhere yeah and they ramp it up like i go i don't want to see this clip because i know it's all set up like

like i want you to make it a clip like i shouldn't tell this this is but i'll tell this because um it's boring it'll fit right in so i here's spady this is before you knew me um before we fell in love yeah this is Probably, I'm 22, moved out here doing stand-up from Arizona. Got my first movie, got $6,000. I cleared $6,000. Bought a car.

Look for two weeks, Conan. I didn't just grab the first one, like first Camaro, what you would think. Hot Rod. I get a Honda Accord. I take the hit. I go, I just got to get one that starts every day. Buy it cash. Drive it to the Improv. Come out to show my friend Stolen. so not even an hour wow uh and then it's so embarrassing i'm like here it is and i'm showing i'm a little buzzed i went in and did a shot and i kind of go

Maybe it's on Kilkeya. Hold on. And then we're walking and I go, would it be on Beverly? Wait, let me check the 405. Because I just couldn't believe, like, where is my car? Where did I park it? You can't believe someone took it. That didn't even cross my mind. I go, I just don't remember where I parked. And then... The cops go, oh, they probably sold it to you, kept a key, followed you, and took it. And I go, so now what do you do? Spring into action? He goes, you'd think.

One would think. I like these cops already. One would think. He goes, I'm already forgetting about this as I walk back to my car, but I'll say we're on the case. But anyway, nothing happened. So now I'm back to zero. I have to borrow.

money and stuff anyway so i i i this is a police academy movie this is how it started so i got that movie cleared that and when i was there i was so new didn't know how to act i wasn't the fine actor i am today you've become quite the fast yeah so i i was there and uh this bobcat goldthwait who was helping me out was like hey this director of mine is here and he's doing a new show on fox which just started this old and i said okay uh

that's what i always wanted like a sitcom or something he's like it's a single camera where you're like a high school like fbi i was like oh how fun you know so i said how cool so uh fox new network i don't give a you know so great so he goes hey Do you mind reading this script, right? So he has sides. This is in Toronto during police cabbie. Did you fucking glue this on to make me look stupid? Glue it on. Dekaposh. So anyway, I go, okay.

So I just read this. So I just literally read it to him. Yeah. And he's like, great. Well, okay. You're not quite there. We'll work with it. I literally knew nothing about acting. Just read it to him like a story. And he goes, all right, but you got a little heat on you. This is what I didn't know.

I had done standup at the improv for about six months. Some casting. I got this job as a skateboarder in this movie. And so now I get back and I've got those heat on me. Yeah. Which I don't even know what that means. Just like, oh, they're talking about you. So I got a manager. my agent moved to ICM. So now I'm at ICM, which is too big for me. I get home and they go, hey, this guy offered you that part, the lead in that show. And I was like, wait, my own show?

I said, oh my God, this is like a crazy. And they go, okay. So they have a big meeting at ICM. I think Gervis is there. And they go, here's why we're going to turn that down. You've got too much heat on you. That's a new network. We want you at NBC.

They're doing Cosby show. And we're going to have a meeting with Brandon Tartarsauce or whatever his name is. And you're going to. Tartarsauce. You're going to get a job there. Yeah. He's heard about you. He's excited. He saw you stand up. I go, oh, I don't know. Wouldn't it be.

Better to the one I have that's a thousand fucking percent on offer? No, no, no. And maybe like 20 grand a week, whatever, some magnanimous number. So I said, oh, so we're all agreed, all 12 agents, I don't do this. Okay. so then i meet tartar cough they have me read something right so i'm now i'm a free agent yeah my fucking casting director goes oh you're about to go i think we're doing these sides now

I should never have taken them. I took them. I go, okay. I had been coached on a little scene he wanted me to read. Now I walk in and do the police academy read again. Blah, blah, blah, read it. I leave. Gervitz goes, all the people that just got a development deal at NBC take one step forward. Not so fast, Spade. I go, what do you mean? He goes, you were too green. They saw you read. You're not ready. But they like you, and they're going to keep an eye on you. And I go, so now what? He goes.

Now we hit the pavement, start auditioning. So I auditioned for 30 pilots that year and got none. Not even one callback. I didn't know what I was doing. Right. And then he goes, you know what? Fuck ICM. Let's leave them. Let's go to, there's a smaller agency, Abrams, which is medium, right? They're good.

This guy loves you. And I was spinning out. I could not believe what was going on. I'm like, lost everything, lost my heat. They all think I'm bad. And I got into classes to act. And then I was with this agency and I swear to you about. Three years ago, we're at dinner in Gurwitz Coast. And then ICM fucked him over and dropped him. And I go, no, no, no. I left ICM, remember? He goes, oh, is that what I told you? And I go, no. What do you mean?

Did they drop me? He goes, oh, yeah. I go, they dropped me. They're the ones that fucked me over. And he goes, I know. I couldn't tell you that, though, because it's just a tough biz. They said, we don't need him anymore. He didn't. It didn't click. And I was like, Jesus. I said, he goes, you wouldn't have made him handle that. I said, I would not have.

There's no way I couldn't handle that. Just mentally, like, the rejection was so piled on by that point, I couldn't handle it. So then I went and scraped my way over to, you know, SNL or whatever. Well, I mentioned this the last time you were on.

i was present when you auditioned i went with and this was not common but i don't remember this actually yeah i went with uh it was not common but lauren there was a showcase Yeah. I can never say who was there. I can't remember. Yeah, Lorne, I remembered, I didn't go to a lot of these, but Lorne wanted me there for some, I was a writer at SNL, young whippersnapper, and I'm hungry. Hungry. I go with Lorne and Schneider, I think was the same night.

And the other guy was... Tom Kenny. Tom Kenny, the voice of... Oh, yeah. This is before he was the voice of... SpongeBob. SpongeBob and Mr. Show. And so... And watched you guys, and I remembered, you were doing okay, and then at the end... You did your Michael J. Fox impression. and get killed. And I remember Lorne us driving away and Lorne being like, I liked the Michael J. Fox guy. And then he liked Schneider. So scary. And so he brought you two in at the same time.

And then I remembered getting to know you really when it was those Tuesday nights when we would stay up all night and write. And you and Chris Rock. And Schneider would be kind of wandering around to see who had what ideas. Do you know what I mean? And you'd come in, you'd go like, hey, fellas, anybody got any ideas? Fucking help me out, man.

It's funny because I know your special, your standup special is Dandelion and you have an explanation for why it's Dandelion, which is a little bit about your character. Fragile. Fragile on the inside, but I always found you. My read on you was always, this is a guy with, you always had that kind of tough, not tough, but I would say sarcastic, dismissive, super sharp. Shell. Shell.

But I could always tell you were a very sweet guy underneath. I would say, yeah, I would say thank you. I kind of agree that it was so tough there. Scary. And it was tough. It's the same reason I was sarcastic in high school. I wasn't as scared of getting beat up.

at SNL, but in high school and grade school, I was in some bad places that I didn't like. And so it was sort of my thing being a bit of a pipsqueak. So getting to SNL was the same thing. I'm just in over my head clearly and just trying to... take it all in and going to doors going i don't know what to do like here you know and like everyone it just takes so long to to seep in and then figure how to write on that legal pad and all that

Yeah, that high-tech legal pad stuff. It's a pad and a pen, and you just go go, and then the door closes, and I go, go do what? write a sketch toontes i don't know i don't write my own sketch right right there's right who's the host do i get to meet a celebrity but the thing i'm sure you guys have covered this on your podcast but the thing that about snl that no one understands

how, and this is true of a lot of show business, how little supervision there is. I mean, you get to SNL and you think someone's going to tell you, okay, here's how it works. No one tells you anything. They're almost mad you're there. Yeah, oh, they are mad you're there. Lauren's standard line when you'd encounter him in the hall was, still with the show, still with the show, and you'd think, I think I am. Thank you.

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I told Lauren when we talked to him on the show, because it's a little easier to talk to Lauren now when all the stress is gone. It's fun to talk to because every year he would talk to the managers or whatever and go, I don't know. Can you just say he's coming back so he can keep his apartment? We're not there yet. So I would, for six years, I... Lauren was the one that stole your car, by the way. Was it?

Oh, it's a Honda Accord. I love those. Someone give me a ruler. I'll jimmy it open. Take that prick. I know how to hotwire it. I learned it in Toronto at university. Things just got worse for you. I love that that was revealed later on, too. Miss your Honda? Lorne! Lorne! You hold me back. I thought Gervitz told you. I put the drop on you at ICM. So anyway, I says, I says, I says.

I forgot you were an old sailor. I says, I says, I says. Remember that Farley bit? I says, I says to him, I says right to his face, I says, I says. I says, I says, I says. And I'm like, I go afterwards at read through, I go, you're not really going to do this on update. yeah oh yeah i am yeah i go is that enough to kill with one three words

Watch. And I did. And he did. But anyway, I tell Lord every year he doesn't bring it back. And every year I have to get ready. I have to drag my mattress down. I have to sell it. I fucking get out of my apartment. Then about a month later, can't get a hold of me. He's an Amagansett. No fun.

I mean, it's always the funniest. I can't get a hold of him. Then he finally goes, he says yes. So I go back, get an apartment. I'm stressed out of my fucking gourd. And then when we had him on the show, he goes, you were never in any danger of getting fired. Lauren, look at me. There was some danger.

because maybe in your head, because it all, it did work out, but it took a while. You were there. It took a while for me to get any, you know, you get a few snarky lines here and there, but I was not that valuable. I remember one time Schmeigel said, Schmeigel? Schmeigel? Schmeigel is from Lord of the Rings. And he's the lowliest creature. Yes. And then there's Robert Schmeigel. Schmeigel? Who's also in Lord of the Rings.

Schneider was uh acting up for something and you know Rob and I have talked about this forever but we were all handling it differently and he goes uh he goes Schneider's tough but he is valuable worth having around and I was like I want to be valuable. That's what hit me. I was like, oh, you want someone to say in a position like Schmeigel was, like, we need you around. Because he can go to Lauren, Rob, and he'll go, yeah, he's worth it. Because Rob is a funny writer, you know? Yeah.

And he had kind of a gruff, abrasive personality back then, if that's fair. But I was the nice guy finishing last guy. And Rob was like, hey, I'm going to get in there. But it was working, you know? You know, everyone... Stuff gets rewritten over time and everybody, and there's how you experience it. And this is actually kind of a big, a recurring theme on the podcast that fascinates me. So I revisited a lot, which is I talked to these very famous people.

who've had incredible success, like yourself. And then their take on it is harrowing. I felt like I wasn't gonna make it. It was scary. It was touch and go. I squeaked by and then in the end, things kind of worked out. But that is not how anybody else sees it. They just see you as being someone who is like, OK, big star on SNL and then in movies and then.

many TVs sitcom you're just like a staple yeah but that is not how right it feels to you I think it in fairness I'm pretty objective about I mean most of things i say are lies but when when i look back it was uh pretty it was hard for me to get a foothold i mean obviously sandler caught fire pretty quick and he's got so many moves all these characters

Spoonman, everything was happening so fast. I was like, holy shit, he really came in loaded. And Dana obviously is so good on the show and Farley right from the get-go. So I just didn't have that. I was sort of just a... comedian that could write some funny stuff but took a while by the end I do like I'm lumped in with Farley Sandler Rock I mean that's just kind of how it is yeah and I love it so when I was just on a show Rich Eisen this morning

I mentioned you because I was saying that that chunk when I got there of talent around which made me better was running with people better than you. And I said Conan and Smigel and I think Greg Daniels and all these writers and Downey. You know, I could go on and on, Frank, and then you got Neil and all the cast and Mike Myers and our new guys coming in with me and Adam and Chris and Chris Rock and Meadows and shit. So that was just a big chunk of people that...

You could look to anyone and go, oh, I can learn something from this guy. I can learn how to write or I can learn how to perform or look at the table. It took a while to seep in and then I got better at it. But man, if I left in a year, I told Gervin I want to leave once. He goes, then what? i mean where do you go you left us now and it didn't work now that's a hard place to be in hollywood yeah and so he said just stick even when i wanted to quit to do movies

He's like, you're getting movies only because you're on SNL. Do you understand? I go, well, I don't have any time to do them. Maybe one in the summer. He's like, but if you leave, it's hard to explain, but it's true. Yeah. How did you, I'm curious because I remember. I was at your audition and I also clearly remember, it's burned into my brain, going into Lauren's outer office on the ninth floor.

which is one floor above 8H, his little office that looks out over the studio. And there was a- Watches the cows graze on the fucking rehearsal. But it's- That's like the office that he moves to later in the week. That's not the office high up in the tower. And so when everything shifts to this stage for the second half of the week, Lauren's there. And I remembered.

There would always be people waiting outside to meet with Lorne, and Lorne would keep them forever. And I have a very clear memory of this kind of stout, boyish-looking, tousle-haired guy sitting out on this couch waiting to talk to Lorne. for like more than a day. And I went up and chatted with him because he was Odenkirk's friend. And it was Chris Farley.

And he was sitting there and he was super eager and he was laughing real hard. And so I took him on a tour of the stage and was doing that shtick I used to do where I would, if someone was already hanging a lamp. I'd be like, and hang that lap. And you over there, Joe. I was saying all their names wrong. And if the guy was on a crane, use the crane, that's the way. And Farley was following me around giggling. You'd laugh his ass off. And I just said, I love this.

He had the energy of a puppy when you first go get the puppy. Just so much fun. And then you guys found... Was it the two of you that realized we have this thing or did someone else see it and go, wait a minute, you've got this energy of Spade and you've got this energy of Farley, it's peanut butter and jelly, let's put them together.

Yeah, it was probably, it was either Lorne or the Turners because the writing team. Bonnie and Terry Turner, great writing team, yeah. Another writer, I forgot to say, those two. But, you know, Lorne was like, maybe... something about how they are at the office i think that's how it all started like i make fun of chris he laughs tells me to make fun of him again he laughs just we walk around we go to muso and frank's or whatever we not musa frank's wally

In Joseph's? Yeah, yeah, in New York. Yeah, and Huxley's and all that. places that have been condemned now. In front of us, they were condemned then. You just still went to them. We just ate there still? Yeah. Yeah, anyway, so then that got, the Billy III got written up, that one with...

The Turners wrote that first draft and then I think turned it over to Fred Wolf, turned into Tommy Boy. But that was also because Billy was Billy Madison that summer. That's so funny. I'm curious about something. Tommy Boy comes out. And not thought of as a success initially, but then very quickly afterwards you find out that it's huge. Is that correct? I think it opened number one, but not crazy through the roof. Right. And then...

And then after time, it was looked upon more fondly over time. But then it went to video. But the video sales were insane. I think it went to $100 million. Yeah, they said that Paramount goes, this video, they ordered black sheep. after tommy boy for the following summer they're like start now we got to do another one maybe while we were before it came out because we shot at the next summer so if i could still be doing those that was the funnest you know i

leave SNL, go to the Simpsons. I come back and Chris would, you just signed that? That's great. That's worth less. I'm just trying to remember how I know you. The more you tell me are more clues. I come back to do the late night show and. You guys were all so generous and nice. I mean, I'm the new late night host. I'm down on six and I know all you guys. And so you're all coming down, doing bits. Chris would come down and do bits, which I look at now and they just.

They fill me with joy. They also make me sad because he's...

The one where he runs in on Letterman, I see a lot on Instagram. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Runs down and grabs a guy and he throws him the garbage can. Yes, yeah, yeah. Unreal. That was one of the best pieces of television I've ever seen. Fantastic. It's so funny. Probably not super thought out. He's wearing a... thick suit the funny thing is he would wear like a t-shirt then a shirt then a button down then a tie then an overcoat then a cashmere i'm like god damn dude how do you move

Because my neck is fucked up. I can't wear more than two layers. He has layers. I like to feel tight and hugged. I'm like, God damn. And then he's running and he's sweating. He's like, why am I sweating? I'm like, you have 14 layers on. The other thing funny thing too is that he got tagged as the funny fat guy, but he was incredibly athletic and strong.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, he was. Agile. Yeah, and he could do all these amazing things with his body. And I think in the same way, his hero, Belushi, because he was paired with like a-

Beanpole Ackroyd at the time or whatever. Sure. You could think of him as the heavy guy of the duo, but I remembered him being just such an incredibly physical comedian. Yeah, I think it's an extra move that... is surprising to people but it's one more funny thing about him like he can do those pirouettes we did that skating sketch remember yep bump up the jam they will and it was like phil was vern linguist or something and i was scott hamilton and it was nancy kerrigan show

And Farley and Nancy Kerrigan, and he kept falling. Oh, that's going to hurt him. He kept falling over and over, and he got down to like zero points. But he was a really good skater too, and so it was funny that he could skate well, and you go, oh, that's a surprising... And then when he does any sort of like ballet, he can do these weird moves. All adds to the funny. Yeah. Yeah. Well, he is missed. It must be. I mean, I know that you had an incredibly close.

relationship with him i miss him and uh knew him as like a friend and a guy that i would do things with from time to time but clearly it was uh I hope time has made that, I'm sure, an easier thing to handle. Yeah, I mean, we were all pretty close to them. And so any of that stuff. I remember one time he goes, I don't want to be known as the funny fat guy. I go...

would you take the fat funny guy? And he said, it's a little better. Yeah. But I remember seeing you at another, there's another sad, Norm's Memorial. Yeah. Where... Something did happen funny. Not the dying part, but there was other stuff that was going on. By the way, it was like brought to you by Netflix. It was something because I remember going to talk and there was like a crane shot or something. I'm starting to cry and they're like, push in.

Is there a camera dolly coming at me? I spoke. I don't know if I was emceeing it. You can't emcee a funeral. You know what's funny? It always just turns into that. Let's be honest. No, no, no. It's true. It turns into... He's doing well. I spoke about him up front and talked about him and then brought other people up on stage. The two things that I remember are Lori Jo is sort of running it or whatever. And I said, Lori Jo, she goes, can you speak? And I said,

I'm not good at that. I said, I would do it if I just do it right away up front because I don't want to sit there and rot while thinking of, oh, no. So she goes, okay. It was like downy went up. Standing ovation. I'm going to bring Conan up. Standing ovation. Laurie Jo goes, then I think you bring her up. She gets a standing ovation. And then we finally get back to you and you finally go.

All right, we're going to bring up some friends. Dave is fate. And so I hooked up and I go, well, I guess the standing ovation portion is over. Because I was the first. Which killed, by the way. Yeah, that was a good one. I should have gotten off. Honestly, that was the fucking funniest thing that happened. And then, but when I walked up, I.

fell on those fucking stairs oh and you caught me i think and you grabbed me and i think you fell too yeah i'll tell you i know exactly what happened yeah it's we're in this goofy i don't know what venue we were at where we were but you went up You tripped on the stairs. I think I did catch you. You don't weigh a lot, so that was easy. It was like catching a packing peanut. 94. 90, I don't know.

That's generous. Kilos. You fell and you started to float and I grabbed you. You're like a balloon. Yeah. But then I thought, what's wrong with Spain? Why did you trip on that step? So then cut to me. What's wrong with fucking Spade? He can't walk upstairs. So then you do your thing. I go up to then take the stage again to bring up the next person.

my foot catches on something on the step and I trip and I turned it into like a roll and stood up again and people thought, oh, Conan's doing like physical shtick. But then I walked off stage and I said to the guy, that step. Spade tripped on it and I tripped on it and the guy went, yeah, that happens a lot. We should fix that someday. Yeah, he knew. He said we should fix that someday.

And I'm like, yeah, what happens when Dame Judi Dench is killed? I mean, the two of us can take a fall. You know, what happens when it's the... It was pretty funny to me that he kept going. Like, it felt like most people trip. And I'm like, well, this isn't an anomaly. Like with me, I look over and thought he'd be like this. He was like this. Like, yep.

Another one bites the dust. Another one, yeah. And then he said like, I went into it with him a little bit. I went, what do you mean? And he was like, well, you know, it's higher than the other steps. Like each other step is exactly four inches. So you're used to like this, this, this. Yeah, and then there's one that's like, five and he said, and it's also uneven and it's coming off. Fix it! And there's also an earthquake. That's not my union. I mean...

I don't know how many of these funerals you host, but you did a good job. You know what's weird? I became the funeral guy because I've done a bunch. Oh, boy. And I really fret over them and worry about them because it's... It's not just a regular thing. You're really trying to think of who was this person. And now they're starting to rack up where it's like.

I've done a bunch. Too many. It's hard. You're good at that stuff. You're doing the Popes. I'm doing the Popes. Is the Popes going to be in LA? Can you get me in? Does my friends always want to get tickets to shit? Can you get me in? I just have to tell this one story, which is I have to tell this because it's a Lauren story. But after 9-11, you know, there was like months and months and months of cleanup. And it was an area that you couldn't go to. But sometimes people went.

went down there and Mike Sweeney ran into Lauren somewhere and Lauren knew that Mike Sweeney was my head writer and they're chatting for a little bit. And then Lauren to be magnanimous said, have you been down to ground zero? And Mike Sweeney- And he went, no, I haven't. And he went, would you like to? And suddenly Sweeney pictured a velvet rope.

And you are a Sweeney, but look, yes, yes, right this way. And there's the big pit. We called ahead, yeah. I'll have the veal, and I'd like to be near that part of... What I kept saying, which was never working, was...

I might head down to ground zilch and everyone's like, ground zip. And they're like, you're talking about the nine 11 where people died. I go, no, no, I'm talking about something else. Uh, but that was tragic. Uh, but yeah, I went down there like a week later because there's a nine 11. where we all flew in and there was a concert. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone went on. Everyone went on. And they took us down. That was one of the perks. Oh, my God. It is.

It was a weird time. It was so weird. It was such a crazy time to be in. It was like a humble brag. I went down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you get close? Yeah. I got a little souvenir. But 9-11, yeah, I know you think it's funny. It's not funny. But my friends, my friends, it's noted that you left. My friends go. Sona, what the fuck is wrong with you? It's so funny. You're a monster. I'm crying. We're doing a thing about how it's not funny. Yes. And then you start laughing.

No, it is awful. You're young and stuff, but we lived there. He said ground zilch. Yeah, that was funny. Let's not forget. He said ground zilch. No, let's not forget. Never forget. Means 9-11. Yeah, yeah. Never forget. Not that David Spade called it ground zilch. Never forget. Let's never forget. Never forget. The terrible day. No, that Spade called it ground zilch. You're a monster.

Come on. Let me ask you about Norm. Okay. You did stuff on, you were on the road with Norm and a lot of us when Norm passed were shocked. And I kept thinking. Oh, I must've been the only person that didn't know. And people all thought, well, Conan, you knew Norm and he does his classic appearances on your show and dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. And I was like, I know we were desperately trying to get him back. I desperately wanted Norm.

On my last episode, we were trying to get him and not getting an answer back. And I thought, well, he just doesn't want to come. And I was bummed about it, but thought he's probably got other things to do. That's too bad. all-time great guest. And then he dies. And I just thought, well, I didn't know, but everyone else must have known. And then Jim Downey called me and said,

more or less, Conan, fuck you for not telling me about Norm. And I said, Jim, I didn't know. And Jim Downey said- I would think Downey might know. No, Jim didn't know. Did you know? I did not know. And you were- touring with him well i'd done some gigs with him and then uh before covid me him and dennis miller was our last one together but great super fun obviously and then um

But, you know, we would talk and it was more about coming over for dinner, same thing, where he didn't tell me because he'd go, no, I can't. And then I go, well, it's just me and you sitting. 10 feet apart, but something to do. And he's like, yeah, okay, for sure. And then that night I go, where are you? He goes, David, it's COVID. And I go, what is it? So you're not coming? We're not supposed to leave the house.

I know, but we've talked about this. Like you're allowed to go places and then, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, let's do it next week. And then he just did that routine. And then until it was too late, but I didn't know. So I don't know who knew. I think Gervitz knew and maybe. I think Gurvitz Lower Joe. I think that's about it. And I think, I mean, I think two things about it and they're diametrically opposed. One is, I wish I had known because I would have told him what he meant to me.

And there's that feeling of feeling, I wish I had known. And so initially I was mad that I didn't know. And then there's the other side, which is great respect. for him wanting to keep it private and him not wanting people to treat him any differently because he was sick. I don't know. So I have both feelings at the same time. yeah i feel the same way like i do it was just so overwhelmingly horrible that i just like then i later it took me how it affected me where like it was i was mad

Yeah. By the way, just not to lighten up the feel here, because I know it's getting sad, but when we were at the memorial or whatever that... special was for norm yeah where we watched we were watching the special remember that we watched his special that's why the cameras are there that's a separate that was that was a thing wasn't that at the after memorial You're talking about two different things. No, there was a kind of a eulogy for norm that I sort of...

spoke at and brought people up. And then there was a separate thing where Norm had made, he was planning to do a, he was planning, it was fascinating. He was planning to do an hour. And he had an hour together or 50 minutes. And he really had it in his mind. And he knew, I think, I believe, and Laurie Jo would know better. I don't want to speak for her. I believe. But I think he was planning.

to go into the hospital for what he thought was going to be... Something routine maintenance. Routine maintenance treatment for his condition. So what he did was he said, before I go into the hospital, I want to record. So he recorded... using similar technology. Most amateur way, like just a- Literally just a camera there. We're doing here is far more sophisticated. And he did from memory his whole 50 minutes. And it was really funny and great.

He goes into the hospital and he dies. And then Laurie Jo found the tape and they thought to round out the special or to give it something else, let's have. You, me, Sandler, Chappelle, Letterman. Who else was there? Molly? Molly was there. Molly Shannon. Maybe that was it. Might have been it. And had us watch it. We hadn't seen it.

watch it in real time. That part was a little weird because the camera's filming us. Yes, and then talk about it right afterwards. And that part, I mean, I think it came out really well, but I remember being, it was very powerful. To be in a room and have everyone else leave and shut the doors and then show, and then suddenly Norm was there. Yeah. And he's being hilarious and we're laughing and loving it. And then it's over. And then.

I think we just started talking about it. Because you're just watching them going, and then you start drifting your mind going, okay, it's over. This is right before. And then we talk and then it's funny because we're all talking. And then also we're like, just a weird scene.

Will that ever be released, do you think? It was. I think it won an Emmy. I didn't realize that. Yeah, it was released. I think it's on Netflix. Oh, sorry. Oh, your mistakes get cut out. That's nice. Yes, it won a... No, it... Can you edit out me laughing at 9-11? No. No? Okay. Because we never forget. It's called Nothing Special. We never forget who thinks it's funny. It's called Nothing Special and it won an Emmy. Was it called Nothing Special? What's that? Was it called Nothing Special?

Yeah. This is the thing that you guys are watching is aired. Yes. His material. No, no, no. Just so we're clear. Has he been listening? This is his first podcast. Is he new? He won a contest. Is he a contest he gets to sit in? He's a contest winner. He got to fly in and we didn't, he told him not to talk. He loves that I make fun of him. That microphone isn't even real. No, it was, the special was.

You see, it plays Norm special, and then you see our reaction to it. So that's the whole, so you see both. Sorry. No, that's okay. Don't be sorry. Don't be sorry. And that's humanity. You should feel terrible about your crimes. Oh, okay. We should edit.

You know, at the memorial, the first one with the dolly shots, whatever that one was that you were...

falling everywhere. When people die and I'm mourning them, I tend to do a tumbling act a little bit. Also, by the way, I think it was like four inches and the next one was like nine inches because... everybody their toe hit that fucking thing i'm still mad about that step but i left in between that and then there was like a part two or maybe it was the i'm confusing but i had to come back yeah so i had about or i just left during it

Because it was getting too sad. So I ran out. This is when I went to McDonald's. And in the Amazon special, I talk about that exact thing. I went to McDonald's in my suit and was in line. And the crazy guy comes out of the bushes and starts, takes off shirts and smacking. Yes. The guy ordering. Yep. So I go, let's back up, but let's park. I don't, I want to watch. So I went in and that whole thing takes place.

from the norm mcdonald i didn't really okay so that happened from the norm yeah that's a real story and it was really happening and i did get scared when he came in because i thought we're going to fight first of all i want it noted That someone you were very close to, a colleague and a cherished person passed away and you were present at their memorial, but walked out halfway through to go to McDonald's.

But also then something funny happened, which you could use in your special Yeah, you did your set so then you're out of there I scored and now it's time for some chicken McNuggets I try to sound real and it's too many comics there and I'm trying to sound like, say nice stories about Norm and everyone's just looking for punchline. It's such a weird scene because it's all comedians and you're just like,

I'm just gonna leave here and everyone's gonna be like, who did well? You know what I mean? It's like, that's everything. It is, okay, let's talk about this. This is a real phenomenon. Yes. Where a funny person dies. Yes. Who are their friends? Other funny, professionally funny people. We get together when people pass on, when they die and there's a gathering, people speak, but you've got a room full of people. who are competitive about getting up and being funny. And it's a strange phenomenon.

These things are weird because you think, nope, it's not about that. But there's some part of you that wants to do well. And there's some nerves and some awkwardness. And I think it started, I went to Gary Shandling's funeral. And then everyone was like. Bill Maher did great. Can I say something? Maher used props. He had a lot of balloon. He was doing balloon work. He was? I don't remember that. No, I remember it clearly. And he had a whole trunk like Gallagher.

Or Gallagher 2. That was being filmed too. Yeah. I think Apatow filmed it. Yeah. Has that been released? Oh, I thought Gallagher was, sorry. What's that? I got confused. I thought, I thought. So you guys are here to help. Is that the idea? She's throwing confusion. I am. You should do Gallagher 3. Do you know what Gallagher 2 is? Gallagher 2 is his brother. Yeah. And he does Gallagher's act. Right. But I think, are they...

Have they both passed on to their reward? I think Gallagher won. Well, according to this podcast, I'm sure they did. Because everyone's dying so far that we talk about. You guys are dying a lot. Well, I'm sorry. It's a lot of death. I'm sorry. We're jinxing everyone. We are two survivors here. You know, Sona, you and Gourley are young people. You don't know what it's like. We, we-

have been through the shit. We're like guys that were in war together. We're like in the Titanic. We're just talking about it. We're on SNL together. I don't think that's war. It's a lot like the Titanic, SNL. Yeah. God, we talk about SNL forever. It's so embarrassing, but it is something to talk about.

Right? He said doodling. Hey, if you're bored, just let me know. I think this is, I actually love talking about this stuff and it's meaningful to me. No, because we were both there. If you want to take a break and go to McDonald's, go ahead and I'll just keep talking. You can get yourself the McGriddle, whatever it's called. I almost got beat up. That's a big story. You're not even concerned. Well, let's hear about it. Oh, I can't.

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I very much enjoyed your special. Did you watch it? Yeah, I did. Oh my God, that's nice. I watched it last night. What are you talking about? When I talk to a friend and they have a special, I... It's nice. You know what I liked is that...

You've got very funny material. You're obviously a very funny comedian. But when you notice something that's just happening in the real moment and fuck around about it, you're one of my favorites. And one of the first things he does in the special is you're talking. And I didn't even notice it. But I realize you're kind of doing that thing when there's a long cord. Mic cord. Your mic cord. And you're trying to run and you went, by the way.

The cordless mic was invented in 1996, guys. And it's hilarious, and it's not even part of the set that you had planned. And then you go on this whole riff about Jeff Bezos and- Give me a shitty mic for my fucking special. Yeah, and-

I noticed this at the SNL 50th, and I know I'm bringing SNL back into it, but for a reason, you did a sketch in that, and at one point, you're not even in the sketch anymore, and you ad-libbed a line that was one of my favorite lines of the night. That's right. You told me that was very nice. absolutely was hilarious, which is a sketch is going on. You take us through it. I'm doing a sketch with Mulaney and Pete Davidson.

Broadway New York musicals. So it's kind of a long sketch. And it's about the evolution of New York throughout the different eras, like starting out in 75 when SNL starts out. And then a bunch of people saw this. And me and Peter, like two young kids, and he's telling us the story of how it started. Yeah, yeah.

So as we go through it, I don't know if they predicted this, but of course I got bored during it. So they have me, they write me in the middle of it. I walk in and I sit in the audience. You're in the audience suddenly. Which all the way, people don't really know. You like suddenly, you're not there, but. You don't quite clock that. And then all of a sudden they just wonder, where's David? He goes, listen, Jimmy. And then he goes, wait, Pete. He just breaks character. Where's Spade?

and he goes oh i think he went back to the audience and sat in the audience and then they look around and then They have a camera at me and I'm sitting in the audience and they cut to me and I go, oh yeah, no, I got a feel for it. And so I asked around and I think that was you, was that your line? Well, they gave me a line and it was something like that. And then Wally goes, I'm not going to give you a cue card. You got it. And I go, yeah. And then when it came to me in rehearsal.

I said that which was basically something like the line. Right, but you said it your way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you were so dismissive and it was so thrown away. You're like, I got to feel for it. And I laughed very hard a bunch of times that night.

That might've been my favorite moment. Thank you. That was fun. Cause we did a rehearsal and it worked. And then Melanie was like, just do it like that. Like whatever. It was perfect. It was, it was fun to be at the 50th and it was fun to be in something because, you know, we just go.

And I thought Lovitz's line was funny too. Oh my God. Lovitz is at the American Girl's store. He's sitting so far away. They have people sitting and he's at the American Girl's store. And what was his line? And they go, because they have the... All stars in the audience, but you can't fit everyone. And they go, where's John Levitz? And then they panned the real American Girl story, sitting with all these dolls around him. And they go, oh, Johnny goes.

I'm not mad. I just want to know why. I go, sorry, John, that you're all you're all the way over across the street. I'm not mad. I just want to know why. Like he doesn't get there's not enough seats. We had a crazy night. I don't know if you're going to remember this. It wasn't that crazy, but we occasionally get dinner together. Yeah.

It'll be, and when I say we, it's you, it's Dana Carvey, it's myself. It's the same group. We always go to the exact same restaurant on La Cienega, Coy. Love it. And it's this thing we do. And we'll just sit around and talk. And I remember one night, it wasn't planned. It was a total accident. We're leaving the restaurant and we hear, hello. Hello. And it's John Lovitz.

What do we have here? What do we have here? And he is always himself. And he's always, he's one of the funniest people you'll ever meet because he's always himself. And whatever he's.

doing if he's standing with an attractive woman he'll say oh and this is you know and this is jessica and then he'll look at me in front of her and say jealous he's a walking cartoon character and he knows does play the John Loves he doesn't he does what you want to hear but we were with him and we're all talking to him and then I can't believe this really happened but we all walk outside the restaurant

And Lovitz is standing there and he said, hold on, they're delivering a car for me. And they delivered like an... One of those trucks was delivering a car to him at the restaurant. I don't mean like an Uber. I don't mean, I mean, he was taking possession of a fancy car and looked to me and was like, I'm jealous. Yeah. I was jealous. As they were lowering a car. You're a Porsche, sir. Yeah, and I thought, who, who the fuck?

Says, yes, well, yes, I'll take possession of my Bugatti and I'll be over at Coy looking for old friends from Saturday Night Live. Wait till you see me standing with them and then pull up. When you see me standing there and you see where...

And then with their shitty cars, make sure you wait. Oh, man. And then back up and have the car delivered. And it was a happening. I loved that. Yeah, yeah. I love it. This is always a cracker. But he does have tons of cars. I'm shocked. I like cars. He has way more. He pulls up, do you like it? You like it. He goes, how can I? Because he goes, you should get a Mustang. And he pulls up this new blown out Mustang. He goes, how can I get you in this car? He's trying to sell it.

yeah he is always a crack up uh oh also you you did uh the mark twain i saw you at the last mark twain that i was in which was the sam that was a really funny one was yours was yours fun too Yeah, it was a lot of fun. It was a lot of fun. It was more fun than I thought it was going to be. I really like showing up for other people. Being talked about, of course. Is it weird? I was dreading, and then I loved it.

Yeah. Just because everyone was so funny. And yeah, I just saw the lineup out there on the poster that you. sign for yourself or something. But it was on the wall. No, other people signed it to me. I don't know exactly what happened. I stood with a marker and I signed. Letterman, Mulaney. It's part of your deal. Sign here. I signed everyone else's name on it to pretend. I was with Nikki Glaser in Vegas and she gallantly took a rep. We did our show. Yep.

And she goes, I'm going to miss your set. I'm going straight to the airport. Went straight on the red eye to you. Got it together. I mean, that's a brutal. She killed. And I was just in Vegas yesterday and ran. I think drove by seven different signs. Oh, for me and Nikki. Yeah, for you and Nikki. And I adore her.

Yeah, she's great. I adore her and I adore you. I love the idea of you two being out there together. And that would be a show. I would love to see that show. Yeah, you'd laugh. It's funny. And like what you're saying earlier, it's like when you do corporate shows, you probably do those when you...

Dane and I do a bunch of them, and he fucking kills. He's exactly what they want. He exactly. I'm pretty much what they want, but he's exactly what they want. But whenever you do anything, actually any show when I'm on the road, this tour.

If you say anything that they don't think is scripted, like that Mike thing, or you say something about this, you make fun of the guy over here with the lights. It always works 10 times better than whatever you're really supposed to say. It's so funny that it always works that way. One time I was doing this corporate, and this is just a dumb example, but it was like three nights. One night was like Stevie Nicks, me, and then Journey, right? So I'm going backstage. They're like, and don't forget.

Tomorrow night, we got David Spade coming, but don't forget, tomorrow night, Journey. They would put over the last figure. Shout out about six times before I go on. I go, hey, guys. I don't want to hear one fucking more thing about Journey, okay? We're here tonight. I don't give a fat fuck about Journey and all the contest winners that are in that. It's not even all real Journey. I'm ready to break it to you. But I said, we're here, and I'm here.

and it's going to suck and we're going to get through it. And then you get your precious journey. And then that works better than the whole other. Of course. Anything like that. Anything else you've got. And then I go, anyway, dogs are funny. And they're like, oh, I smell your act. Go back to journey. You really got it with that journey thing. Say shit about anything else. David, I've kept you here long enough. God, that did go fast, Conan.

I have to say, we did a good job. It was nice and fun and you were great. I think I did a good job. You did a great job. You were all over the map. I think Sona and I did the best work here. Yeah, I think me and Matt. In your own way, I think you guys killed it. We learned a lot of building seven over there. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Billy seven. So to end on a positive note, um, Pearl Harbor. Yeah. There we go. He doesn't know what you're talking about. Um,

David, on a serious note, I've known you, I don't know, I think it was 1989, something like that, 1990, I can't remember. It was a long time. I've known you a really long time and I'm always really happy to see you. Thank you. You are a deeply funny person and also a sweet gentleman. I've always known you to be that. That sweet rumor. Hopefully it's sticking around. Yeah, we're getting the word out there. It's not... trending well. People aren't buying it, but there's a lot of pushback on it.

Um, but David Spade Dandelion, uh, is available to stream on prime video. I watched it last night. Very nice. It's really funny. And, um, that's it. You're a good man. On the road, come see me. I know your friend Adam. Tell your friend Adam I said hello. Actually, someone said there's a house over there by you guys. I don't even know where you live exactly.

We keep it that way. Didn't it get close to you? Yeah. You can take this out. Oh, no, no, no, no, it's fine. The fire's got, Sandler and I live very close to each other. I lived closer to the fire than Sandler. But can you still live there or you cannot? Yes, I can, yeah. Oh, great, great, great. I'm very lucky. We were very fortunate that...

Our house was close and we had to move out of it for a couple of months, but it was just smoke damage. Sorry to bring that up, but yeah, I'm glad you're okay. So you saw us getting out. With some good sentiment and some good feeling and you brought up the fires. Yeah. I said quickly, I was racking my brain, chat GPT, what's the saddest thing that's happened recently? Three fires in Los Angeles. And it goes, this show's over, I wouldn't bring it up. So wait, so chat GPT knew.

I thought you had timing. Yeah

All right, David, I hope I see you real soon. Yeah, give me about 100 yards ahead of you and then you take off. Yeah. All right, thanks. Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorley. Produced by me, Matt Gorley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

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