Classic Colonizer

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Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hi, Arjun. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan. Hi, Matt, Sona, Conan. Hi. How are you, Arjun? It's nice to meet you. It is so nice to meet all of us. It's so ridiculous.

It is ridiculous, Arjun. We are ridiculous people. And we thank you for taking the time to speak to us. Arjun, I have some questions for you. Where are you in the world at this moment? Where in this vast spinning blue globe we call Earth? How are you? I am in the southern part of India. Southern part of India. What is that called? South India.

I love this guy. I guess I asked a really stupid question. I thought maybe there was a name of a town, but maybe it's in that part of Southern India where nothing is named. that I've heard so much about. Does the region have a certain name that I could find on a map? You can. I'm calling from Bangalore, but I am from this place called Kerala, which is at the even more south of Bangalore. Okay, Kerala. And is that a rural area or is it a big city? It's a state.

So it has both all of it. Okay. You know what? I never want to interrogate you again. You should consider being a spy because I don't think people are going to get information out of you. Every time I ask you a question, I know less about you. I live in a place. It's a place that's next to another place. Well, tell me a little bit about yourself, Arjun. What do you want us to know about you? I...

What do I want you to know about me? I am single. I don't know why that's the first thing. You're single. You realize this is not a hookup website we're on right now. But I was told something different. Okay, well, listen, I'm an Aries and I like to play the guitar and eat only starches. I do like Irish men, red hair.

But Bill Burr. Oh. But what? Bill Burr. Oh, Bill Burr. You're looking for a Bill Burr. I know Bill Burr and I could connect you guys. So I could do that. I could maybe connect you to Bill Burr. He has a life. I'm not a homemaker. So what? I've got a wife. Anyway. He didn't say anything about you, though. He was talking about Bill Burr. Part of the equation, I don't think. You offered yourself, and he said you wanted Bill Burr. Those bonds are tenuous. So, Arjun.

Yeah, tell me about yourself. Are you gay? How dare? Yes, I am. Are you seeking a relationship right now? Always. Because I keep falling for straight dudes, which is inconvenient for both of us. Hey, I just watched your episode with Timothy Oliphant and I, yeah, I get it. yeah yeah oh trust me what's not to get yeah he's uh he's the whole package and

I apologize. I don't know how that translates to Southern India. But so is that true? You always fall for straight guys? Yeah, most of the time. They're so irresistible, you know. Yeah, yeah. because you know they don't like you and that's so hard yeah do you think it's possible that uh that on a subliminal psychological level you might be doing that because you're scared of a commitment is it possible that you're

How have you been talking to my therapist? Well, I mean, it just occurred to me that might be. Is that something that a therapist has told you? Yeah, she thinks it's because I'm homophobic, which doesn't make sense to me. I love this. This is sounding like the gay version of you. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Or just me. The self-hating. So you're gay, but you are homophobic, and this causes you problems. Yeah.

I mean, yeah, a lot of problems. A lot of problems, yes. Well, I want you to be happy. You seem like a really nice person. And so maybe I want to help you in some way if I can. I'd appreciate that a lot. Yeah.

How do you think I could assist you in your life? What are the things I could do for you, Arjun? I mean, you can come to India. You can come to Bangalore. You can come to Kerala. I'll be in either of the places wherever you'll be. And we can go out. And how would I be in this area you're talking about, Kerala, that's in the south and sounds a little rural. Would I be accepted there? How would people feel about me?

Oh, we are very accepting. In fact, you know, back in the 1400s, I'm going to go way back. I have no idea where this is going. Let's hear it. I'm all up for this. Back in the 1400s, I'm getting a bedtime story right now. Back in the 1400s, Kela was known as the Land of Spices. Or what Kerala is today back then was known as the land of spices. The Malabar coast was exporting a lot of spices like black pepper and cardamom and cinnamon and all of that. And it was very valuable in Europe.

in the Arab world and everywhere, even more valuable than gold. So Europeans wanted, but the trade was controlled by Arabs and Ottomans, if I'm not wrong. But the Europeans wanted their own. connection to Kerala. So this guy called Christopher Columbus set sail and landed in the Bahamas and thought that was Kerala. Yes, Columbus mistakenly thought he had arrived in India. And India. So that's why he started calling. Yeah. So we, after that, the Portuguese came, the Dutch came.

The French came and the British came. We loved all of them. We couldn't get them to leave for like 200 years. So we are very accepting. We are very accepting. Well, guess what? Arjun, I have news for you. you will have a hard time getting me to leave. I've heard that before. I think you need to arrive in an Irish flagged boat. You've been at sea for months and months. I want a Viking boat that I arrive in. They're going to accept you because you remind them of the colonizers. There you go.

Yeah, I'm there to colonize. Never, never an Irish man, never an Irish man, never. Yeah, I don't think the Irish colonized much of anything. You couldn't get us out of our house. We were innocent of all colonizing because we just wanted to hang out in the house and non-a-tater. Yeah, we've been colonizing Ireland, actually. Most of my cousins are in Ireland randomly. But they're used to it. Irish are used to being colonized. So that's fine.

We're easy. If you know anything about us, we're very easygoing. He said lying through his teeth. Arjun, what do you do for a living? What's your profession? How do you make a living? What's your story? Take us back to the 1400s. Back in the 1400s, right after Vasco da Gamma landed in the, yeah. So I am a writer, but I think I'm a marketer. I'm in marketing. But what kind of stuff do you write? What do you write?

Not the things that I should be writing, but I write for capitalism mainly because I'm in marketing. But I do want to write like a screenplay or like a book. Oh. Shout out to Sona. Yeah. So, yeah, one day. That's right. She's the author in the room, which is really cool. She's the author in the room. And hilarious. And Sona has another book coming out. I just finished it. Yeah. She just finished reading it. Okay. Yeah. The World's Worst Mom. Yeah. World's Worst Mom. Wonderful.

Wow. You were either excited or very frightened at the prospect. That came across as fear. Because I couldn't read the first one yet. I couldn't get it anywhere here. You should... Talk to your publisher. There's a whole market in southern India, not being specific as to where, but there's a whole... Well, that's why it's not there, because they couldn't figure out where to send it. If you go, I'll send it with you.

let's say I were to come and visit you. What kinds of things would we do? We'd go out, that I insist upon, that would be fun. And you think I'd mix well, people would be happy to see me, maybe? Yeah, they couldn't look away from me, even if they tried. But it would be fun. You're like the sun. It's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. They couldn't look away from you even if they tried. When the arc opens in Raiders of the Lost Ark, people's faces will melt off. She's beautiful.

Yeah, we could go to Toit. You remember Toit? You may not remember Toit. There's a picture of you outside the restroom in Toit. Oh, I've heard about this. This was on another concert. Yes, yes. I was thrilled to hear. I was speaking to another fan who said there's a picture of me outside the restroom and I've never been. more excited. Yeah, so that was supposed to be my story when I was going to talk to you. He stole my story. He doesn't know me. I don't know him, but I know his name, Nikhil.

And he told my story, so the only way for me to get back at him is for us to go to toy together. He can be invited. Isn't it better if he's not invited? No, he has to be invited, but he has to be seated. Like six feet away from us. I think you guys should put up a poster of the two of you right next to the other one, you know? He'll die. When the other fan hears that I came all the way to India and that he told me about the picture outside.

the bathroom in Bangalore, but I went with Arjun instead of him, and literally we passed his apartment. That would crush him. That's brutal. That would be... Why do we want to crush this? You have such an aggression towards this person you've never met before. Because he took his idea. I see. That was his story. You're right. It's warranted. You're right. And I'm just happy to have aggression towards anyone. So I jumped on.

I'm a classic colonizer. You're mad at someone? Me too! Just stoking wars.

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You both came by it honestly, though. So what if you both met and maybe there's like a, you guys could kind of like argue for who gets to keep it or something like that. Keep what? The poster. No, the poster has to stay outside the bathroom. I want that thing that's been hanging outside the men's room. No, I want it.

What world are you in? I'm in their world. Apparently, it's there in all the Toit in India. Like, Toit has different... It started in Bangalore, but I think it's in other cities. And they all have a con-polster called Reddit. So that's the thing. Well, here's what I want to do. You should get money out of it. Please, Arjun, I'm not into monetizing things. It's not my thing. I colonize, but I don't monetize. And I really need to moisturize. Arjun, here's what I want to do. I want...

Because what I'd like to do is hit the town with you. And maybe, do you think that I would be a good wingman for your romantic pursuits? Or do you think I'd be a bad wingman? Would I help your game or hurt your game? I think it'll help my game. If you are in Bangalore, obviously. Yeah. Because it's a city and there are more people. But I don't know. There are no queer...

public queer spaces. Is that true? There are. There are, but it's just that maybe I don't go there. But yeah, I'm not invited. But yeah, if you are here, we will go to a... queer space okay there used to be a lot of pubs before the pandemic there used to be a lot of bars and pubs that were queer friendly spaces But then they closed down, unfortunately, due to the pandemic. But then now I'm sure there are. Oh, there are drag nights at some places. Okay.

We can go. And oh, yeah. And then there are improv. Improv is becoming a thing in Bangalore. It never used to be a thing. It started becoming a thing recently. And I went to a workshop. It was so cringe. I loved it. So I feel like... it can take you back to your olden days. Yes. I would love that. I would love to, I mean, I would, I would like the idea of going to any place that you want to go.

And and it would be fun. It would be fun to. I have a serious question, which is because I'm not aware it is. Is there acceptance of the queer community in India? Is there a growing acceptance? Do you feel comfortable? Yeah, I mean, I live in a bubble. I live in a city, so it's pretty, things seem very okay to me.

But when you go to other places, things may be a little different. But again, I'm, you know, in a bubble. My family, my friends are all pretty cool with things. That's good. So yeah, they're fine. But otherwise, yeah, it's not a... huge deal i'd assume especially for your audience in india because even if you shoot something that is extremely queer and put it out there it'll be your fans in india will be seeing it yeah

And your fans are inherently nice people. Oh, that's nice to know. It's true. Gee, what do they find out I'm not? We'll get to that later. Find out. I think find out. I am the only holophobic one. Oh, I forgot you guys are reading all the threads, reading all the comments. Monster. Freak. Well, I... I, Arjun, you seem like a very nice person and it would be, I'd enjoy hanging out with you. And so maybe we can make that work out. I don't know.

You know, we never know. I'm just trying to think if you as a wingman is a positive or like, how would you help him? What would be your method? Well, first of all, I clean up real nice when I want to. Okay, that's true. So I think... And I've had many, many, many gay men tell me that I'm their fantasy.

And I just made that up. Yeah, that's your fantasy. My fantasy is that I'm their fantasy. Yes. Isn't that how it works? I googled it, actually. I wanted to know how... famous you are or the impact you had in the queer community so i did like an ai deep research thing hoping that i'll find something funny like oh this fun thing that he did is huge in the queer community but it's all very sweet Yeah. So there is nothing. You are known to be very consistent and kind.

Why am I being so nice? I don't know. I know. Don't worry. We can fix this with AI later on and make it really mean and snarky. Well, Arjun, I think I'd be a good wingman for Arjun. I think, first of all... You can't, you have to look at me. You can't look away. That's true. And I think I would draw a crowd. And that's, even if people don't know who I am, they think, oh my God, what is that thing that just came in? We've got a couple minutes here. I'm at a bar.

You're his wingman. You guys are there. We're at Toit. Yep. Toit. Yeah. Toit. And I'm just, I'm just alone. I'm drinking, drinking. What's your name? My name is Matt. In this scenario, your name is Matt? No, my name is Chandless. Chandler? Yes. Chandler? Do you think that's an Indian name? No. Jesus Christ. Give us a good Indian name, Arjun. Common.

You can be mad. There are Matthews in India. Thank you, Arjun. Actually, we don't need you. We're getting along just fine. Well, let's say, Arjun, let's do a little improv right now. You and I have our drinks in hand. What are you drinking there, Arjun? Yeah. Beer. Tort beer. Okay, we're gonna get you an improv class before I come. That was a 20 minute pause, and then you picked the most obvious thing. Well, I have an appletini. I have an appletini that I brought with me on the plane.

I was going to say, Tori doesn't have appletini. No, no, I brought my own. I always bring my own. So Arjun and I walk up and, hey, what's your name? My name is Rishi. Rishi, good to see you. You seem like a Matt to me, but we'll go with Rishi. Rishi, this is Arjun. He's my friend. And I'm Conan O'Brien. But you probably knew that. Oh, steak. What's going on? Well, I'm just here alone. Just recently got out.

of a relationship, and I feel like I'm independently minded and not sad about being in that relationship, but I'm open and my heart's ready for love. Wow, incredible. Well, guess what? What? I've been married for like 23 years. I hope I got that right. Arjun, I think he's single right now. Maybe you two have something to talk about. Arjun, have you met my friend Rishi? I'm not single, actually. What? Oh. Yeah, I'm married to...

man, and he supported me. Wait a minute, what's going on? Why would you set me up for this heartbreak, sir? I'm sitting here alone. Rishi, Rishi. You put me through this kind of mental rollercoaster? I'm dying inside. Rishi, I'm wondering if you're up for a throuple. That's all. Plot twist. Plot twist. Wait, Arjun, I thought you were single. No, he's very supportive. Even when I wanted to do this, he was behind me, like literally like behind me.

Oh, come on. I practiced that bit and I forgot that I said I was single. For the listener, he just moved his chair and there's a nice picture of Pedro Pascal back there. Oh, yeah. So Pedro Pascal is who you're married to in your mind. right well i have to now alert pedro pascal because this is very worrisome uh wow okay well um you just broke the big a big rule in improv which is you you said no

Yes, and? Yes, and I'm not available for a relationship. Do you want to stick with in this scenario that you're with Pedro Pascal or do you want to now go with your single? Yeah, I want to know how much Rishi wants me. Okay. Regardless of my situation. Rishi, I want to apologize for my friend who seems borderline insane. He's not with Pedro Pascal. And he just said that. That's his sense of humor a bit. But boy, he's a lot of fun.

Why don't you two talk? I'm just going to have a sip of my Appletini. While you guys were going through all that, actually, Pedro Pascal called me and we've entered a relationship. So I'm sorry to say this is going to work out. No, well, you just wasted both of our time. Yeah

Well, I think that's you too, Arjun. I know. I got to actually side with you there. Oh, I'll jump in here. I'm Pedro Pascal. Hey! Look at Pedro Pascal! Hey, maybe slow down on all the projects lately. He's playing an Armenian woman in his next movie. Yeah. Maybe take a break between movies. I'm married to I'm married to Arjun and I'm dating Rishi. Nice. Hey, hey, Pedro, whatever you're doing, you keep doing it because you're having a great year. Play in the field. That's me. It's Pedro Pascal.

Wow, okay. Yeah, it did it. So how many relationships are you in right now? Seven. Wow, okay. All right, Arjun, you've made a complete mockery of this very serious podcast where I try and build international bonds and I blame you. But I do hope our paths cross one day because I like you. You seem like a very cool person.

And I think we'd have a fun time. Thank you so much. Thank you very much. All of you. Thank you. We'll see you on down the road. Possibly. You never know. It's a strange world, isn't it? Is it? Yes and Arjun. Yes and Arjun. Is it? And. Is it? It is. Doing a scene with Arjun in improv. Arjun, welcome to my chocolate factory. Is it?

Yes, Arjun! My favorite improv thing to do is what you did with Sona, which is yes, and you shut up. I love that. I invented that. It's a power move. All right, Arjun, you take care. Nice talking to you. Nice talking to all of you. Bye. Conan O'Brien needs a fan. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Avsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

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