My name is Bill Hader, and I feel... Grateful about being Colin O'Brien's friend. That's so sweet. Hey, Conor O'Brien here. Welcome to Conor O'Brien Needs a Friend. Joined, as always, by Sona Mavsessian. Hi, Sona. Hi. And, of course, Matt Gourley. Good to see you, Matt. Matt, you have some- Props? You're a prop comic now? No. This was handed to me by the lovely Ruthie in the same way that a child is dropped off at a fire station's doorstep. Or Moses.
A young Moses arrives in a reeded basket. Well, this was, I believe, literally found on the doorstep here, and it said, To Conan O'Brien and Matt Gourley. Huh. That's nice. And it says, Conan and Matt, great news by unanimous vote. The DILF? of Larchmont are proud to grant you honorary membership.
We are a highly selective unit of local dads who live up to our slogan, protect and provide. As elite members, you now have the right and responsibility to wear the hat, lean into dad jokes, and grill things in a robe. We know you'll make us proud with honor, Dan Lerman, founder, Dilfs of Larchmont. So I don't understand. Larchmont, let me explain to the listener or viewer, if you're consuming us that way. My hat is covered in cobwebs. I'm sorry.
Oh, God, it has a long hair on it. Gross. Get it off. Someone was murdered in this hat. Well, wait a minute. So I should explain. Larchmont refers to the area. We're on Larchmont Boulevard, Larchmont Village here in Los Angeles. Yes. And this is where we have our little building. And so I guess this person knows that this is where we do our work. Do people just know that? I didn't know people knew that.
I mean, isn't that weird? Well, they sure know it now. Mine has a number on the inside. Does yours too? Mine says 21. Oh, mine says 20. Hey, guys. Real cool. In on the ground floor. Signed and numbered. DILF stands for what? Dad, I'd like to flip. Wait, what?
Well, it's all right. You probably know. Well, you know, you know what a MILF is. Oh, yeah. And a DILF is a dad I'd like to fuck. Oh, I didn't know that. I haven't heard the term. A mom is a mom I'd like to fuck and a dad is a dad I'd like to fuck. Does anyone want to fuck a dad? Hopefully mom. Okay.
Well, like, you know, I mean, Milf is a hot mom. And this gives me hope, yeah. Adilf is a hot dad. Okay, so... That's a compliment. That's nice. You guys are two hot dads, man. But wait a minute. Didn't this come not from a woman? It came from, who is this? A dad. society of DILFs here in Larchmont called the DILFs of Larchmont. Okay. Okay. So guys think you guys are fuckable. Dads. This dad. Dads who people like to fuck think we're dads that they'd like to fuck. They want to fuck.
Wait, what? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. You guys are Dilfil. You're, uh, uh, dads. I like to fuck. I like to fuck. Yeah. We're the deal with. Dads like to fuck. No, because these are DILFs who want to fuck you guys. You know what? I think they're calling and they want to rescind it right now. I think they're on the line. You know who we are? I think it's like incredibly obvious that people want to fuck us, that other dads. So it's we are DILF.
Delf-ilfs, duh. Oh, wow. Can we fit that on the hat? Let's see. Don't you think? Yeah. I'm a Delf-ilf, duh. Right? Oh my God. Yeah. Conan O'Brien. And you're like a dilf, ilf, duh. What's that supposed to mean? They're sort of trailing off. They're getting a look at your shirt. They're wondering. Does he go to the, my shirt? Well, I don't know. I don't want to buy ice cream from you in the twenties. I don't want to be in prison pajamas.
These aren't prison pajamas. Those are prison pajamas. These are not. This is a very nice, beautiful blue shirt. Dill fight! Dill fight! Dill fight! Dill fight! Yeah! Dill fight. Fuck each other up. Hey, let's make that movie. Dill fight. Oh, yeah. Things get real. Oh, my God. That's good. Dill fight. You know what I mean? It's sort of like Fight Club, but it's just two guys with like grilling spatulas. Yeah, grilling spatulas and like a TV remote. And a baby in a baby. Yeah.
Whatever. Bjorn. Yeah. I like it. Let's get that. Still fight. And instead of like at the vacant lot at midnight, it's it's at the like Trader Joe's at high noon. Yeah. And first they have to make sure they still got those cedar chips. The peach ones, the peach. Flavored ones? Yeah, they still got them. All right, let's do the fight. Let's get the chips first. Hold on, hold on, hold on. You still got that pumpkin cider that comes out every September?
Okay. All right, I'm ready. We'll be in in a few minutes, but first we're going to have it out. Hey, why are we going to fight? Let's just have a beer, a cider. Come on. Let's talk about it. Smoking meat. Yeah. Can I lose this gruff voice and just talk how I normally talk? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not who you are. Okay. I like it. This movie sells itself to absolutely no one.
All right. Congrats on being admitted into the DILFs of Larchmont. Clearly an elite society that hands out hats in a bucket that are covered in cobwebs and stray hairs. Yes. Thank you. Dilfs of Larchmont. Of Larchmont. We appreciate the sentiment. I expect to see us represented in these little silhouettes here, though. But they're a little silhouettes, too. There should be one really tall one. Yeah. I'll draw a little longer legs on mine.
Wait, that'll look like the other guys are hovering. Anyway, let's get going. My guest today is an Emmy award-winning actor and comedian. who was a cast member on Saturday Night Live and wrote and starred in the hit HBO series Barry. Come on, for God's sake. Yeah! And ma'am, please welcome Bill Hader. You just were telling me just before we started rolling. Is it rolling? Recording? Rolling, rolling. I don't know the lingo. I'm new in the business.
You said that someone walked up to you, what, on the street? Yeah, and so while you and Conan, you're on his podcast, all you guys do is just laugh and giggle. But there's no talking. It's like one guy talks and the other guy's laughing over that guy. And I just wish there was more of a discourse. Well, I just want to fuck with that guy now. We should just howl the whole time and say nothing. It's like, this is so hard.
Can he get his septum fixed? That's what I would say to him, first of all. Septum Sam. Yeah, he was the guy. Many women are very interested in me. I have a log line of suitors. But those are always the people that would come up to you that would have an issue. In New York, especially, you would come up and go, I didn't really like the show. No one comes up like, I couldn't believe the show was so bad.
It was always like, when I first started SNL, it was always guys walking up and going, they should use you more. That's nice. That's a nice thing. That's a nice thing. Lauren, these guys said I should use you more. Who? Who are they? No. Wait, wait, where are they? Oh, God. Shit.
I was just remembering, and this is all going to be random thoughts that come into my head because that's what happens when I talk to you. But when I worked at SNL all those years ago, Leslie Nielsen was the guest and he famously had this, he had this thing made.
that would make a farting noise. And he went to like a craftsman. I mean, this thing was not something he bought in a novelty shop. Leslie Nielsen, this was his sense of humor. This thing was beautifully made. It was made of, you know, some sort of teak. some sort of polished wood and it had brass fittings and everything. And he would make these farting noises. And I remember you'd be talking to him like, okay, so anyway, Leslie, the idea of this bit.
Yeah. And he'd be doing it and he'd be like, oh, okay. But then he kept doing it to Lorne. And you realize it would, nothing. You know, because of the 50th anniversary, there's all these documentaries now, Lorne and Lorne. Lorne always keeps his dignity in any situation. And I'll never forget Leslie Nielsen.
So I think we're gonna do. And Leslie Nielsen would always do kind of a take, like to the side, like who was that? You know, an innocent, Casey Innocent Leslie Nielsen face take. And you could see that. Big chunks of Lauren's organs were dying. Just like the fellow Canadian. Yeah, fellow Canadian, he's hosting the show. I'm doing such a solid. Yeah. He comes in with this. device. Yeah, he comes in with this device and it's just Lauren's least favorite kind of comedy.
And I just was fascinated. There was nothing Lauren could do. I can't imagine. I was a PA.
on this I've talked about a couple times the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie collateral damage and Bill Hardy actually was his name and Jason Altieri they had a fart machine that they're missing and they put it on the boom guy earl samson they put it on his belt without him knowing it right so he was in an elevator with Schwarzenegger and this Francesca Neri was the actress and they're having this really intense scene like we got to get out of here and we need it and it was very yeah yeah
And they somehow could do it where it wasn't just like, it was like. Realistic. and so we were all Kind of like at the monitor listening. So it's him going. If we can get the antidote. Everybody will know that you are going to be all right. And we were like, I can't hear it. Can you hear it? And whatever. And then we knew it was working because then the clapper came in and the guy was laughing. It was shaking. He was like, take me. Take three! And then came out, we were like, oh, good.
And yeah, this girl, Samson, the boom guy was like, where is that coming from? And it was on his belt. I just need to get get out of here. Does Arnold ever call it out and say what's happening? No, I think after, I think somebody came in and was like, get that off like took it off his belt and like came over and we all and we all acted like stupid like what wait what happened who did that that was 25 years ago sorry jason bill i just outed you guys but yeah we were all like wait what's going on
But it was so perfect. It was too big of farts. It wouldn't have worked. Right. It had to be a little subtle. If it had been the Leslie Nielsen type variety, that's too much. Lauren would have liked this. He would have been like, it's not wet. He would get... Oh, my God. I know Lauren would get frustrated when you... Because you, Mulaney, you guys would have these obsessions about very small things in show business that... He, Lauren loves.
a big, he likes a home run hitter. He likes someone who's going to go out there. He likes, you know, give me your church lady. Give me the character that everyone just can't wait to see. Softball down the middle. And I know that you guys loved coming up with stuff that would kind of... Like, I mean, the one I'm thinking of is you were doing a Judd Hirsch impression. Oh, yeah. When I came back to host Steve Higgins out of the gate.
Like, hey, Stevie goes, all right, none of that sandwich in a briefcase shit that you and Mulaney like so much. Oh, my God. Sandwich in a briefcase. is a perfect description of the weird sandwich in a briefcase that made me laugh. That's so accurate. And I remember, yeah, we had a sandwich and a briefcase in a sketch.
And it got cut, and I told Mulaney he wasn't there. Can I share the concept real fast? Oh, yeah, sure, sure. Oh, sorry, sorry. Yeah, the concept of the sketch, we'll edit here, everybody. Okay, and three, two, and. A one and a two and a... It was called Knick. I remember this. It was a cop show, a 70s cop show called Kanish. And the host was Kanish. And then we basically kind of just did that thing where we ripped off from a police squad where everybody...
But it wasn't a thing where we all froze and we pretended to be frozen and someone came in. The joke was that... They would freeze too early. Yeah. You know, so I'd be like, I got to tell you. And Judd Hirsch was. The captain. And I had to enter scenes and I go, greetings and salutations, Ganesh. You're right, Kanish. Mayor Giuliano was setting all those fires.
And you would walk in, and it was like, I gotta tell you, Ganesh, you know, it was like, it would freeze too early. Yes, yes. It was a thing that John and I would, and. the ideas that we would try that lauren would just be like no like super arcane like we want to do one thing about time life it was a guy me and fred recording time life It was like a Time Life commercial. It was like Time Life commercial. I was like, Jimi Hendrix.
The Star Spangled Banner. And then you slowly realize it's Woodstock. And it was like, John Lennon. John Lennon. John Lennon. And we were laughing so hard. And it played like this. Everybody was like, why is this happening? Why is this happening? And we were like, could not get through it. We were laughing so hard.
And I just remember it was one of those things if you had seen it at SNL, everybody has their stacks of scripts and they're kind of reading along. And if something sucks, you'll just see someone in the middle of a sketch just go and just drop it on the floor. Oh, my God. I saw that many times, too. Everybody was just dropping it, looking at the next schedule. There's no way we're doing this. And so when you see that, you just like.
Take it slower. You're like, John. I'm looking at everybody. Twist the knife. But you know what? Maybe you can relate to this, but when I was. a kid watching television. I loved it when the people making the comedy, even if I didn't know what they were talking about, if I could sense. that they were smart, that they didn't care if I laughed or not. Like Monty Python. Monty Python was a big one, yeah. Monty Python, I didn't understand.
Half of what they were talking about, because sometimes they would do sketches about whatever was happening in London politics or British politics in 19... 69, 1970, but there'd be other sketches that I didn't quite understand, but I could tell.
The rhythm of it, I could tell this was really smart, was really funny. And I could also tell that they weren't yearning for my laughter. Yeah, yeah, they were just making themselves laugh. They were making themselves laugh. Yeah, SCTV was like that, too. Well, SCTV would do jokes. There was a Towering Inferno parody they did where there's a big fire and it was a, and all the characters and because of, there were so many different characters.
I remember. Remember this? Andrea Martin played Edith Prickley, but she also played another character. So there was one scene, Andrea Martin was playing the other character in the scene. There's like nine characters in the room and they just had Edith Prickley who always wore like a leopard skin pillbox hat. They clearly just put that on a- another actor and had that actor turn their back and so that they could do the sketch.
And then at the end of the sketch, I think it was John Candy says, all right, let's get moving. So-and-so, so-and-so, so-and-so, prickly's double, you come with me. And I'm like, I'm, I don't know how old I was at the time. I might've been 14. You're like, you're allowed to do that? I couldn't. I literally felt like a laser beam of truth.
It hit me in the middle of my forehead. And I thought, I can't believe that just came through my television. They didn't care if I noticed that joke or not. They said it so quickly. Yeah. I mean, John Candy also did that guy. It was like. It was fishing with bands, like where he would have new wave bands and he would fish with them. And then there was this throwaway thing where they would get the fish and they'd be cooking it and they would offer it to him and he would go, oh, I don't eat fish.
I know that I've heard anyway, I don't know if it's true, that you, Mulaney, and Armisen... had a text exchange going for a while we still do where you're the van halen brothers oh well no that was that was during the pandemic but it wasn't that so we've had basically since the March 2020 until now, we have a text chain and we basically communicate every day on it. I mean, our girlfriends and wives.
you know are you texting with John and you know and Kimmel sometimes and other people but I find the Van Halen brothers funny. I've always found them very funny. They're so talented and such great musicians, but they're very touchy and they would air out their grievances to anybody. And I always find that. And there was an interview with them when David Lee Roth. They're always mad at David Lee Roth. They're always mad at David Lee Roth. And it was when they reunited at the MDV.
movie or music awards and it was just funny how i was like and then you know so dave just goes up there and you know it was like eddie van halen's like you know dave just goes up there he's popping and booping doing his dave thing he's very disrespectful to beck and then you hear alex van halen going yeah very just Very disrespectful to me. And I sent it to Mulaney and Fred. And Mulaney said, could you imagine getting rear-ended by these guys? And then I just started.
Us getting rear-ended, the conversation, and then them holding a press conference. And I remember Fred had the joke. No one is asking anything. No reporter is asking a question. And then there was Eddie Van Halen going, all right, one at a time, one at a time, one at a time.
Are they still mad at David Lee Roth, even though he wasn't involved in the accident? Yeah, that was... Probably. I just find, yeah, David Lee Roth is hilarious, too. Like, there's a story... someone told me um my friend paul who's in the band the oc's told me a story i don't know if it's true or not but apparently
Henry Rollins was going into like a morning zoo crew interview and David Lee Ross was coming out, you know, so it's like six in the morning and David Lee Ross got this long, beautiful coat on. And Henry Rollins is like, hey, man, I just want to say I'm a big fan and everything.
and uh david ross goes oh man you want a drink and he opened up the the can and he just it was lined with beer that sounds true yes and henry rollins is like the most straight edge guy around he goes no man i know i don't want to drink and daily roth went what's the matter man you got school tomorrow. I hope that I hope that's true. I hope that's true. It has to be true. You got school tomorrow.
I was like, I love this guy. I love it when people... It's literally not progressed since we were in high school. I love it when people are... I love it when people are who you want them to be. At all times. That always made me really happy when I would meet... celebrities or famous people and they were exactly exactly who i wanted them to be when i worked at south park he pitched a movie to us where it was it was like uh
where he was an assassin and stuff. And he was like, about a guy trying to get his dog back. And we were like, oh, and we had to say, oh, they made this movie John Wick that's kind of similar. Nah, but the guy has a dog? I go, yeah, I know he has a dog. Famously, famously. What do you mean he's got a dog?
And then he thinks no one's seen those movies. And Trey Parker pitched. He goes, well, what if you're you? And it's like... you're having to go on these missions but you got to like have the band you know the band's also going hey dave we need you on tour and stuff like that he goes nah i don't want these those guys involved with this then he came by i remember
He walked around South Park and, you know, people, they, they draw on their desk and they can like move around. And so they draw like this. So it's like the drawing desk is like canted, you know, and there was a guy drawing and he just walked around and he went up to this guy who's drawing like that. He goes.
And he just sees him with this desk. He goes, hey, what's wrong with you, long night? Everything's in a party context. Yeah, and he goes, hey, long night? And the guy went, whoa, Diamond Dave. I'm not kidding. Don't you think that's his life? Yeah. People coming out of manholes. It is me, Diamond Dan. It is me, Diamond Dan.
We are at the South Pasadena 4th of July parade, and he was just unaffiliated with the parade, riding around on a bicycle throughout the parade grounds. He was not invited to the parade. He was nothing to do with the parade. That's my favorite. I want to be him. And he was nice. I just want to make it clear. Like, we loved him at South Park. It wasn't like a thing where we were like, oh, why is this guy here? We were like, totally in awe. We were like, oh my God, that's fucking David Lee Roth.
And he did not disappoint at all. And he was so sweet and nice. But yeah, it was awesome. You're one of those people, you fall into this class of person. There's a bunch of them. who I rarely have a normal conversation with because it goes into riffs and voices right away. Yeah. There's a whole bunch of people. I think Will Ferrell's in that group. Where I feel that if we were on a deserted island. Yeah.
stranded, we wouldn't even go searching for food or water. Well, the bits would just drive everybody crazy. Yeah. And then it's funny, though. We'll have those conversations. And then it's usually when we're paying the check that I'm like. I'm going through something, and you're like, oh, man, I'm sorry. No, no, it's true. And then I feel like I... I'm like, yeah, we'll get to that. You know who's also depressed? This guy. Yeah. I mean, you're depressed. Don't do Columbo right now. We...
Because before the podcast, I went in and I was chatting with you and I went in and the first thing I was going to do was ask you, because I know you live in the Palisades and I was going to ask you about, you know, your house and family and everything. Before I could do it, we got off onto something. And then we're just laughing our asses off like idiots. And then just as we're about to come to the podcast, you went, yeah, no, no, we...
I think you said two of our houses burned or something. It was something really, and I thought, shit. I was supposed to start with that. No, that's our whole, that's been our whole friendship. It's joy and fun and goofing around and then it's like, oh yeah, I'm here to tell you like. Should I go on medication, Conan? Not if it makes you less funny. No! Yeah. No!
Absolutely not. Get those endorphins running with voices. You should not ask Conan if you should be on medication. No, no, I'm on so much medication. No, but it is true. Yeah, we lost some... My kids, my ex-wife and I live very close to each other, and she lost her house, and then my house is... outstanding but like unlivable it's like there's just devastation all around.
And then the only way I could get up there, so fires are on Tuesday. I wasn't there because I was shooting the VW commercial as the Californians. And we were shooting that commercial, and so I'm dressed as the guy from the Californians in Malibu. And we look up, and there's smoke. And it was me and Kristen Wiig in a scene. And Kristen, too, that morning went, there's a really bad windstorm coming. I'm really concerned about fires. First thing she said to me.
And then I was shooting and I look up, I saw smoke and the guys go, oh, don't worry, that's in the Palisades. I go, I live in the Palisades. And it was just dead silent. And then I was like, I gotta go. And so I never got a chance to go home. And so I went, I just went up and I go, here, I have, you know, medication, which is true, you know, up there and I need to go and get it. And they said, no, it's too dangerous.
And I saw news crews and I literally just went up to them and I was like, you recognize me? And they were like, no. And I was like, all right. I go to the next one. I was like, you recognize me? And the guy's like, hey, no way. Hey, what's going on? Diamond Dave. Diamond Dave. And I was like, that's right. Hey, man, I got to get my store up. Showed her. She can be whoever you want to be. Hey, you seen Ordinary People? How about Taxi? Shit.
So they let you up. They let me up. I went up with them. So I went up with a news crew and I go, do you guys want to interview me? I saw you interview. So that was the only way I could get up there was if I went up with the news crew. And so I went up, went into my house. And I was like, oh, wow, it's not too bad. And then I just stepped and it was like dust, you know, toxic stuff everywhere. And then the back when it's, yeah, it was no good. And I was just in total.
shock. Sona lost her place in Altadena. I'm sorry. And it is... Something that must still feel crazily surreal to you. Yeah, it does. Yeah. yeah it's crazy it is it's just you know you you want to keep things in perspective and say everyone's okay but you you miss the stuff that you lost the community's gone yeah the community's gone that was the hardest thing yeah was actually seeing like, oh my gosh, this is my kids.
Yeah. Because everything is, you know, gone. And that was the thing that kind of hit me so hard was, oh, my God, you know. So that was. horrible and it was just kind of I thought I was going to go up there and hopefully the house would be somewhat okay and I could get my passport and get out of there or something.
And instead of just seeing the devastation of that community and everything, I was like speechless. So then I could feel those guys going, oh, we're going to get a good interview with you. see that I was it was hitting me and then they felt bad and they went we'll just turn off the camera and let's just take you back. And I was like, all right, thanks. Oh, you didn't do one? Bastards. No, I'm joking. Thank you. Cry, cry, cry. You did nine characters. I did nine characters. I was like, oh, God.
I can't believe it's gone. You guys like that? How about that? Love me, love me. It never ends. Nothing will make it die. My need for a laugh. No. But yeah, it was just, it was crazy. I had this moment, the moment that hit me was I grabbed, I had this instinct that I just grabbed my keys and I put it in my pocket and I went, this. These, the car keys, the keys, these open nothing. And I just like put them away. I was like.
You know, those were those moments. But yeah, and everybody who's dealing with it, I mean, it's horrible. The amount of GoFundMes I've been on and stuff like that, it's just been rough. It's one of those strange things that occurred to me where the news is always showing us every part of the world where something crazy is happening. And you sort of become, you know, you're distanced from it, but you're just seeing these terrible things happen in other places. And then...
something on sort of with that kind of intensity happened. Yeah. Yeah. Wait a minute. well the thing that's amazing with me is i'm looking at my my kids and they've been through a pandemic and then they've been through this and they're my and my daughter i was like well i found a rental house and she went oh can i see it and like oh
Oh, and then she made in her computer, she made this overview, overhead view of her room. And she's like, oh, cool. So maybe I could put a dresser here. And she was so positive. Yeah. And I went, oh, they're so resilient and they have their moments, you know, but it's. It's the opposite. Everybody's like, oh, you're there for your kids. I'm like, no, I'm getting more from them. I'm like so inspired by them and their ability to kind of move and adapt.
And be positive. Yeah. Also, I feel like especially really young kids, your kids are three and a half. Yeah. Mikey and Charlie, they only know now, like they're so present. Yeah. That we've talked about how. You have no choice but to be present with them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're moving on. They've moved on already. I don't even know if they fully. I mean, I know they remember the house, but they.
It's starting to be muddled in with like, oh, we went to the mountains once. So that's like maybe the mountain house that we went to. Like they're just. They're losing their memory of it. Yeah. And you're like, I don't remember my house at three and a half. So yeah, it makes sense that they just kind of. That's true. Are moving on. Yeah. Mine are 15, 12 and 10. So it's like they were.
You know, it was tough. And I mean, that was the most heartbreaking thing is my 10 year old just saying, I just want to go home. And you're like, honey, we can't I can't go home. And that was brutal. But now it's it's.
Yeah, I get inspiration from them. And yeah, just being very lucky that you have a great... support system of friends uh elissa donovan who works with me my girlfriend ali wong like all these people just been great But yeah, it is a funny thing that Allie and I went today to just like literally had to like. shop for clothes I know I know and it was very sweet you know she was like
let's go get you some jeans. It's like you're going to camp. I know it was, but it was very sweet. It meant a lot to me that she was like, no, it's because I'm just wearing like Uniqlo. sweats you know that i basically you know And my kids are like, you're living in your pajamas. I feel like they're very worried. And I told her about that. And she was like, well, let me take you to get some clothes. So those are the moments. They're just weird. I don't have, obviously.
don't have we're displaced from our home we can't get back in and there's been a lot of smoke damage but my situation was just I have a lot of clothes in the back of my car. And so I'm in a hotel and I'm here at the recording studio and moving around and I'm in different places. And so I try to do regular workouts. I think it's clear. I was saying you look good. Yeah. Real nice. Say it again as Vincent Price.
You look very nice. Oh, faddle. Faddle. Dana Gould's word. Faddle. We were watching The Last Man on Earth, and there's a point when Vincent Price... gets angry and he throws something and he went Faddle! And I fell over like... And then, so, okay, so you're hot. No, no, no, I was doing it. How have you made this about you? No, no, no, I had to, I had to. I was supposed to do a workout on.
And I realized that I had no sneakers. And so I looked down and I was wearing shoes. Got two people at an Alta Dina. Well, I think. Now listen. It's like a shelter being like. For your Zoom workout. He didn't have his sneakers. What do we not have? Everything. Here's what I want to say. Now, I had sneakers that were perfectly good for working out.
But for the kind of workout I was going to do, I like ones that have, well, Brooks makes ones that have, if it's going to be more aerobic, it has more of an insole. And well, they're costly, but that's. the ones that I wanted. And they were of course back at the house, which is fine, but I don't have access to. Why isn't this seen as a tragedy? We don't have spoons. We have nothing. Let me tell you another one I got.
There's this kind of sea salt. You guys know what dips are, right? I can do 20 dips. Well, I could do five on my own fifth. 15 with my trainer holding my legs. A trainer, one trainer holding each leg. One trainer holding each leg. And another one lifting me up by my, like a child. Let me try again. I don't have access to my home. And there's this kind of sea salt.
that I have in my home. It's there. The house is there. It's pink. It's a pink sea salt. I can't put sea salt on the chocolate anymore. No. No. And so you don't get the salty and the sweet. You get just the suite. Then I go down to Kelson's and it's not there. No! Then I go to Erewhon, but of course... There's a line. I think my stories rank with yours. What do you mean you don't have the Hayley Bieber smoothie? You ran out of raspberry.
I've always- And lemon curd. My mind always goes to what would make people mad. And me having a GoFundMe to get my sea salt. To get the sea salt that I like that I don't have access to. Oh, wow. People so mad. I can't believe this. This is an atrocity. What do you mean you don't have those almond pretzel bites that are $25 per bite? Per bite. What do you mean you have no kimchi? Daddy needs his kimchi! Where is the kimchi?
I don't care if there's no electricity. I need my kimchi. Me as that character going to different people, facing a really bad situation. I don't know. It makes me happy. But then I realize, oh, it's so awful. It's so awful. And I'm sorry. I can't. Yeah, it is. Yeah. And it's interesting, too, running into people.
who also lost their house. I mean, that's the nice thing, too, I'll say, is that so many people went through it, so... with my kids and and everybody you know it's like they're running they have friends who are going through the same thing and so they're all bonding. I'm trying to just take it back to reality and
Trying to forget what Conan just said. I know. I'm joking. The wrong sneakers thing? I'm joking. After we talked about losing our homes and you didn't have the right sneakers. You had sneakers, but not the right sneakers. The sneakers I had were perfectly good. Oh, okay. For any workout. When I go back to my house. After they've fumigated it. And I go into my... Pretty woman-like closet. Now I'm just going to have to go in there and destroy everything.
Sea salt is the perfect thing to go fund me. Oh my god, I have a headache. Just a picture of me in a white tuxedo. My house is fine! But I don't have access to my seesaw. During the fires, I took my yacht out to Catalina. Do you know what that was like for me? Do you know what that was like for me? The rocking back and forth. The people saying, can we get on? We say, no. I have to hit them with an oar. Hitting them with an oar.
Throughout my back. I hurt my back. I just told my daughter, here's an oar. Poke at them if they try to get home. That reminds me of a, this is a crazy memory, takes me back to an SNL sketch of I think there was a terrible disaster. I forget what it was. I think it might be a Downey sketch. There was a terrible disaster. He's the king of... Yeah, and a Jim Downey sketch. And what happens is all the A-listers...
have been wiped out. And so the B-listers have been elevated. It's just a bunch of agents trying to figure out who the new A-listers are. But I remember there was one part where like Charlton Heston is on an over capsized boat and he's hitting people with a worse. I don't know. I love that.
Yeah, Downey was always the guy that would come up with a sketch that you were like, oh, really? We're going to do this? Yeah, he was always the guy that I would be like, you want me to do this? Really? Yeah, yeah, it'll be great. Everybody will laugh. But yeah. You know the sketch I always think of? I wish that so many people have told me about Dana Carvey told me about everything was a giant businessman. That was the Jack Handy one about the...
Jack Handy, he had the office next to the one where Greg Daniels, Bob Odenkirk, and I had an office, and Robert Smigel would come back there all the time, and the bunch of us would just... work on things together. Handy had the office next to ours and we of course would stay up like three nights in a row. And Jack Handy would come in and he'd put in, it's like he worked at a bank or something. He would put in, you know, eight hours and he'd type.
And you'd think, well, okay, you know, we're staying up three nights in a row. And then his stuff at rehearsal. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. But Giant Businessman, I love. Giant Businessman was just... Phil Hartman is a giant businessman inside a small apartment. So it's him inside a small apartment set. Yeah, yeah. And he's like this. And he's like, you know, Pardo, and now the adventures of giant businessmen. And then it was him. And then next door are people, a band playing like loud.
And then he can't concentrate. So then it cuts to him and he's like in the hallway and he has to like crawl on his knees. He's like huge, barely fit in the hallway. And he taps on the door with his finger. And someone answers the door and he's like, and Janet businessman goes, excuse me, can you please turn your music down? And the friend goes, no. And if you ask us again, we'll kick your ass. And then it cuts to him back in his apartment. He takes up a tiny telephone and he goes, hello?
Witness protection program? This has been The Adventures of Giant Businessman. So the fact that he's a giant and the fact that he's a businessman has nothing to do. No. And then he could step on these people. That he could step on them and then he got scared. And so many people, Al Franken and Downey and Dana and everybody, I remember him doing it at the table and they said that was the biggest laugh that they had.
heard at the table that just kept going into the next sketch where people are like, wait, what? Will Forte was like that. He had that sketch potato chip that people talk about sometimes. I just, that was like at the table read. It said, the script said potato chip. And then it, Lauren reads the stage direction and Lauren went, open on NASA.
and we all die. It's called potato chip. Open on NASA and we all... fell over yeah yeah i mean well forte i don't know where he's like one of those guys like him and john solomon when they get together it's like they don't It's like they don't know where it comes from. Yeah. You know, it's just very genuine. Yes. And he doesn't when you would write with him, I would be laughing hard and he kind of wouldn't be laughing. He would kind of look at you like.
yeah so and then he would say the funniest shit i've ever heard but it didn't yeah he's like no no these are jokes and we'll put them together you know but i always admired that you know because he never would try to put on or anything he was just very It came from a really pure place. Yeah, I was always impressed with that. Well, we've tapped out. We've gone, I mean, you've given us much joy.
You've also given us some reality, which I, of course. Ignore him. Talked about people losing their homes and I made it, you know, about how I don't. Those really good sneakers. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can see it from my point of view. Now I get it. No, no. You know what I'm saying? Oh, you get it. No, no, but you know what I mean? It's not the same. The ones with the really good arch support. It is you and a Ralph going.
Betty Crocker. Who the hell is Betty Crocker? Why is this so inexpensive? My God! There she is. There she is. Someone carry me out of here. Nine people with me carry me away. I think about you from time to time because you're obviously one of the funniest people. certainly I've ever met, but you're also, you're a very sensitive person and you're a really sweet guy. And I like it when we get to hang out and I've got to, I'd like to hang out more.
Yeah. Maybe try and riff a little less and find out how you're doing. Like, how are you? No, man. But that's good, though. It's like it always gets around to that. It gets around to it. It always gets around to that, and you always give me great advice. And the thing I always feel like... It's a whole cottage industry. Like you mentioned in an interview, like, oh, yeah, I suffer like really bad anxiety and depression and stuff. And then everybody is, it becomes like a whole.
thing where now it's like i would do interviews and i'm like google my name and anxiety you'll see everything i have to say about it you know what i mean and like depression and all that but when i talk to people like you know, you or Marty or these other... You know, people I, you know, admire so much for so long and you guys, we talk about it and stuff. You guys have been so great at listening and giving me great advice and, you know.
So I really appreciate that. Yeah, it's good just to know that so many people out there who in all walks of life have this issue, but. It's also particularly an occupational hazard. Oh, yeah. In the comedy world, I don't know what it is. Yeah, it's something where you just... It's the flip side of the coin. Yeah, totally. And I think I've just gotten to this place, though, where it's like kind of for the first time in a healthier place.
I mean, it's nice seeing Allie, my girlfriend, who's, you know, does stand up and is, but is like a very solid person. Like she makes... breakfast for her kids every morning, makes dinner, she's home. It's like her priorities are so dead on. And I'm like, wow, you can be really funny, really smart and do all the cool stuff and still have that. a person, you know, a human, you know, so, so that's been helpful. This is not, no, I'm just, now I'm thinking I got to start making food.
You need to do a lot more than that. I know. What do you want? All right, what does everyone want for breakfast? No! It's Benedict. Postmatics! You will get Honey Nut Cheerios. Dry Honey Nut Cheerios. I love this version of me. Because it is me. Just with that different accent. God bless you. I'm the mayor of Emotion. My house largely unscathed. Largely unscathed. As usually. Bill Hader, God bless you. Thank you for being here.
Cybercrime is a serious problem in the United States. Is this a PSA? The internet can be a very dark, dark place. And Sona, I understand that... You've been the victim of a intended scam that didn't work. That's right. I was a target. You were a target. And do you want to back this up and say what exactly happened? Yeah. There's an email that. is no longer check it's not it's not a working email but every once in a while someone will check it like once a month once every two weeks whatever
It was forwarded to me, but it's an email from Conan O'Brien. Yeah. And it says, request for contact information. Yeah. Dear Sona. I hope you're doing well. This guy did not do his research. When you have a moment, could you please share your personal mobile number with me? I have a task I'd like you to assist with. Conan O'Brien. Wow. Yeah. Well, a couple of problems there. It doesn't quite have my tone. No. And I would know not to ask for your assistance in any matter.
That was such a lazy try. What's the end game here? Because what they ultimately want is to get in touch with you. They want myself. Yeah. And so, you know. But it's also best regards, Conan O'Brien. And then in what world do you not have my cell phone? Also, there's no bid in there. There's no shtick. I hope you're doing well. You don't hope I'm doing well. More importantly, there's no insult. Well, that's what I mean. There's no shtick. There's no bit. There's no hook.
This person has never listened to this podcast, has never watched any of my work. has me confused with... The American ambassador to France, Dean Adlai Stevenson. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's ridiculous. That's a letter. Yeah. Between two high functionaries in the late 50s. That's the thing. It's like if we were actual functioning adults, that would make sense. But that doesn't you've never ended.
an email with best regards, Conan O'Brien. Right. And my email to you would be like, hey, Sona, why is Skrillex keep calling me? And another thing. trying to buy a coffin for a squirrel and getting nowhere. Maybe this was Skrillex. I love to throw out some celebrity that's a complete has no connection to me in any way. That's one of my favorite things to do. And then to say to you or to David, like. texting me constantly.
What's that all about? Yeah, lately it's a lot of Benny Blanco. Yes, I'm obsessed with the name Benny Blanco. I'm like, can someone get Benny Blanco off my ass? And you'll be like, wait, what's going on? And I'll say, he's blowing up my DMs. I don't want to hang and I don't even go bowling. I don't even know where you would go bowling. And so. Who would lie about that? Who, with real things to worry about,
would lie about Selena Gomez's boyfriend or fiance. I was wondering who it was. Wanting to go. You don't know who Benny Blanco is? Where have you been, man? Come on, Matt. Get with it, bro. I've been bowling with Skrillex. Skrill X. Skrill X. Oh my God, Eduardo's laughing at you so hard. Skrill X. Skrill X. Oh God. Yeah, he no longer dates Skrill, he's Skrill's X. Okay. My point is. You know what? My point is.
that I do want to get it out there, that I am sick and fucking tired of Benny Blanco sliding into my DMs. Okay, you know what? You don't even- Can I just say- Does Benny Blanco even know who I am? Because I get the sense he's really cool. I don't think he does. He seems like a cool guy. And Selena Gomez seems like a really cool person. They're a very, very cool couple. And now I'm obsessed with.
Benny Blanco reaching out to me. And I don't think it's going to happen. I don't even know much about Benny Blanco. If he does, would you try to like. say cool things to him? Yes, I would. Okay, I was just wondering if like... Okay, let's try it right now. You be Benny Blanco. Hey, hey, Conan, sup, bro?
What's the score? Wait, he did write that email. Hey, Benny Blanco, hope you're doing well. Could I have your personal information? Best regards, Conan O'Brien. Why are you saying Benny Blanco? Why don't you just say, hey, Benny, nice to hear from you. We haven't been properly introduced. yet. You're still Benny Blanco to me, Benny. Then you said, what's the score? Yeah. Sorry. OK. All right. Why are you talking so weird? I'm just seeing what's up, man. My best regards to Selena.
She has conquered vocally music. and she has done quite well in light comedy with Murders in the Building. Murders in the Building. Hey, Conan, is this really Conan or is this a scam? Oh, you bet your booties, Blanco.
This is the real McCoy. Just wondering how you're doing. Maybe we could hang sometime. Get the old brewski-a-rooney. Oh, brewski-a-rooney, huh? You know what? Actually, I'm busy. I just wanted to check in and I heard you've been talking a lot about me, but I'm not sliding into your DMs. I'm not that old, Benny Blanco. Hey, and someday you'll be my age and your hips will hurt. Oh, God, I hope not. I won't ever get as old as you. Well, few people have, Benny Blanco.
Few people have. I'm the rare human that's made it this far. Well, my best to you, Benny Blanco. Yes. OK, it was really good talking to you. You'll never hear from me again, Conan. See you in the clubs. Oh, God, don't say clubs. You won't see me in any of the clubs. that you would go to. I don't know. It's me Skrillex.
Oh, God. We'll hang out with you. Hey, look, it's Diplo. Oh, my God. Diplo. Yeah, I saw his name on a billboard once and I got obsessed. Yeah. Diplo in Vegas. And I was like, I don't know what he does. There's just a picture of a guy. staring at me? I want a piece of that. He's a DJ. Okay, whatever. I know they're DJs because it's producer DJ. Yeah. Jesus, Eduardo. Fuck you, Eduardo. You've gone too far now. Eduardo, all I know is that when I see a billboard of a man.
scowling at me and just wearing no particular outfit, just a T-shirt and they're scowling at me and it's a name and it says Vegas. I know they're a DJ. Yeah. But there's no, it's, what kind of show business is that? If Diplo or Benny Blanco or any DJ ever invited you to Vegas for one of their DJ sets, I know it's not your scene. I'll go. You have to go. I'll go. And you have to stand next to him in the booth. Message to Benny Blanco.
Diplo, Skrillex, Habnet, Jab Jab. Who else? Tiesto. Tiesto? Oh my God, Tiesto? Steve Aoki? Steve Aoki. Yeah, I mean, you just- What's that? Pauly D. Oh, DJ Pauly D. Pauly D. Wait, Pauly D from Jersey Shore? That's Adam's favorite. Wait, they still don't know his last name? Pauly fucking Jersey over here, that's why. Okay, so listen, let's wrap it up and let's summarize. What's that? Tiesto. Tiesto!
Chainsmokers, technically. Chainsmokers, I mean, you name it, you got it. Porter Robinson. Of course. I mean, I had that one written down before you even said it. Wolfman Jack. Oh, no, I want to hang with any of- Don't, don't, don't, don't. Wolfgang Amadeus, so you're not. Too far off. Yeah, that's what he meant. Listen, I am ready to hang with any DJ in Vegas if it gets me the street cred I need.
Because no one's going to see that coming. Me standing next to them while they're DJing. Yeah. Whatever that is. With a big hat because it's Vegas and you're probably outside and you're like fully covered. I'm holding one of those incredibly giant. Uh, liquors. What is it? Oh, a yard of, like a yard of beer? Yeah. I thought you were going to say like a, like a Asian parasol or something like that. Yeah, I'm holding. I'm holding a gaseous parasol in Vegas and holding a very moderately sized.
0.0 Heineken. Covered head to toe. Hey Diplo, there's Benny Blanco and Skrillex. All right. I'm signing off. Oh, please end this. Enjoy this segment. Best regards. Best regards. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leo. producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts.