Hi, my name is Andy Daly. Jesus, that's loud! Hi, my name is Andy Daly and I feel loud about being Conan O’Brien's friend. Well, I'm incredible. Hey there, welcome to Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend, joined by my chums with a Z. Son of a Sessie and hey Son of a How are you? What? Son of a Sessie and a Z. There's nowhere to put a Z in your name. Okay, I guess, but you have to, okay, that's fun. Okay, I quit. Please don't go. We're back with gold. Gold! How's everybody doing? Okay, great energy.
Great show business energy. What's the terrific energy to start show? We have usually we babble a bit here at Topth Show. And we have fun, it's a good time, but we can't do as much of that today because we have a treat coming at the end of the podcast. A true treat. It is a true treat. I'm really looking forward to it. It's something we just already recorded, but it takes a while, so I'm going to keep things kind of brisk. Top, do you know what I'm saying? Keep it moving along.
Keep it moving along. Keep it zipping with a Z. Oh, man, I quit again. I quit again. I quit again. No, it's the words that have an S now have Z. That's the whole thing. That's not true. All right, my God. I'm trapped in some sort of strange hell. It's not a terrible hell, but it's not a good one either. Would this be your hell? It's just doing an intro forever. Doing a forever eternity. It would be my hell. And switching out S's with Z's and then giggling about it. Yeah, that would be my hell.
Someone has some zoo. Hey, that's not bad. Oh, I have some chips, but it only solves up. Glam, yeah, this is that free journey. And Hitler's getting raped in the next room for all eternity. And Hitler's like, I like it's about to roll over here. The whole asses and z's thing. It can hear us. Oh, yeah. And he feels bad for us. He's getting rape repeatedly for all time. And he's hears us changing S's and disease and giggling. And he's like, oh, it's a show hate to be.
I wonder what they did on Earth. It must have really been bad. Look, did I? It got dark. It got real dark. It got real dark. It's how do you mean? It got real dark. Oh, God. He's next door. Yeah. I don't know. He's in the next cave. There are different caves. He's like a big hotel. They built hell quickly. And sometimes the devil's around going, you know, the sound leaks. They don't have insulation between the rooms. And Hitler's like, you know, we're trying to torture Hitler over here.
And it's in Ted Bundy can hear right through the wall. We're shooting hot lava down Ted Bundy's mouth, but he's getting distracted because he hears Hitler getting ready. The contractor walking the devil through hell. Hey, hey, hey, you know, we had to work quickly. You threw this thing together. Heaven, they really put a lot of work into it. That's quality work. But no, no, Satan needed a lot of room fast. So this is what she gets. The devil's just putting up with it.
All right, all right, enough for it. No. Damn it. I asked you, do you want it done faster? Do you want it done right? You said, I need it now. We have to talk about our guest today because we have to get moving. There's so much podcast today. And stick around for the end because man, do I laugh? Like a laugh so hard. It's so funny. My guest today is an actor and comedian. He's one of my favorite comedy people. He's a jewel. He's starting the Comedy Central Series review.
And he appears as Dalton Wilcox in the hilarious podcast, Bananas. It's, is it a banan is for banan? The podcast is called Bonan is for banan. Bonan is for banan. Well, I should have fixed that for you guys a while ago. Anyway, he's also appeared many times on my late night shows. And he's made cameos in just about every funny TV show I can imagine. Sure. The last 10, 15 years. I'm thrilled he's here today. He's a good friend of ours. Andy Daley. Welcome. Andy Daley. Hello.
One of the funniest people I've encountered in my years. I'm like Johnny Apple seed. I don't plant apples. Oh. But I wrote it that way. You're not at all like Johnny. No. I'm trying now in the second half of my speech to figure out how I'm like Johnny Apple seed. I have wondered this country looking for funny people. You, sir, are one of the funniest. Wow. And I will. Wait a minute. Let me find my glasses and see who I'm talking to. Oh, no. Oh, no. Is that it?
I thought it was the other Andy Daley. That was Andy Dick. Yeah, exactly. Did Johnny Apple seed wander the country looking for apples? No, not looking for apples. He planted apples. So I just, I started out with his whole wandering the country thing, which I haven't done that either. But let's just say, take the compliment. That's what I'm going to do. You're a very funny fellow. And you are, you're ubiquitous. I mean, first of all, I first met you.
You came on the late night show countless times and did all kinds of hilarious bits. They could be counted. They could be counted. We had the number of times it was on. It's 15. There's something like that. No, I don't know. No, you were on as a guest, of course, but you did so many funny bits over the years. And I thought, God, this guy is very, he's just money in the bank. He's always funny. Then I remember coming across your monologues that had me crying.
When I say monologues, I don't mean you were up there telling jokes, but you get up as a character. I forget who made me this tape. It might have been tape. Wasn't a tape. Someone gave me a wax cylinder. It might have been Andy Richter. And I listened to them. I was driving around on my car and I was listening to you. And they were so funny, dark. Some of them quite dark. Very dark, yeah. There's one that you did where you played. You're a guy who's part of a, like, up with people group.
Oh, uh-huh. And you show up to the audience late. And then you're supposed to be a motivational speaker who's like up with people. And then you tell, explain why you're late. Do you know where this is going? No. And he tells the most horrible story of his family being run off the road by bikers. Assaulted. You get away with your, barely with your life. You don't even know what's happened to your family and you get there and you explain all this in great detail.
Then you go, well, anyway, let's get into it. No. He's like a single-on-with-mitch guy. Yeah. And he's there to lead sing-alongs. He's like, oh, good old fashioned sing-alongs and then after all that, just kind of. So let's do a sing-along and lead the audience. Yeah. Take me out to the ballpark. After we've heard the worst story, I mean, the darkest story. So you're just a very funny, you've got an amazing comic mind and you're also a very nice fellow.
And then you're one of those guys who, I'm sure you get this all the time where people go, wait a minute, I know you. Because you've been in everything. You've been in V, you've been in Silicon Valley. You've been, I mean, it's Eastbound and Down. Yeah, I've just had this yesterday that somebody was like, hey, I know you. Where do I know you from? And I was like, I don't know, but I am an actor. It might be, oh, it might be that. But what's, where do I, and I was like, it's difficult.
I can't say the one thing. Unfortunately, then you're going to go, oh, that's where I know you from. Like it could be Eastbound and Down, or it could be Silicon Valley. Or one of me. Or like, 25 other things. Yeah. Yeah. So I had to tell him just, buddy, I am DB me. Yeah. Look me up on it. Here's my, you should have a little card you had out. It's as I am DB me. You came on our, our show once, the late night show a bunch of years ago, and you played this, was it a game show host?
Oh, I love that. I forget what that character's name was, but the premise was that he was like, on the BB lot was locked in a crate from, and he was a game show host from like the 80s or whatever. And he had hosted a bunch of different game shows and just had all these catch phrases and things rattling around in his mind. And he had, I think he had had some kind of cerebral event. Something like that. He was also covered in dust, which was the party.
And so they were, it was really funny, because we, that conceit was, we found this crate. We didn't know. And it was, it was in like a storage section of the Warner Brothers lot, where we were putting our show at the time. And we popped it open and you come right out with one of those long thin microphones. Right. And you're like, all right, our next contestant and you're covered in dust, Gene Rayburn special.
Yeah, it was, it was, it was, it was, I wish I could remember the, it was, you know, it was like, who's ready for a Bing Bongs singer? You know, just all these kind of things like, oh, of the variety of big bucks, no ram is like, but not that. Yeah. And then we end up putting you back into the box where you were sealed up. And it's, it's one of those, I love those conceits where I think, well, that guy can be, that box can be unopened at any time.
I love to, to, to just dream that what's his name again? Read, read, read, newport. Read newport. What a great name for a, for a, so this is an opportunity for me to find out what's wrong with you. Oh, that's basically where I want to begin. Take us back to Andy Daley as a child. I don't see you toss in the old football around. What do you mean? By, by football. And, where are you?
What was, I mean, I'm guessing you, you seem to me like you're a, a, maybe someone who had the sponge period where you're just absorbing. Oh, yeah. What are you, are you listening, I'm watching TV? Is it TV? Are you TV fanatic? Yes, the TV was always on in my house. I can remember my father making the argument to my mother, he, and he had the numbers for how much electricity the TV uses as opposed to the dining room lights.
Like, like, we're, we're not using any electricity by having the TV on all the time. Like that was his argument. He just liked to have the TV on all the time. So I thought you were going to say you've been watching too much TV. So his argument was that you shouldn't be watching TV, but this was pro TV. He had thought it through like why it made sense to always have the TV on. What a time to be alive. I never got that. No, no, I didn't either.
My father prohibited TV during, if there was school the next day, no TV could be watched during the day. So we of course were like, well, that's shit's not happening. So my brothers and I would watch TV and then we would hear my dad station wagon, which was a 1970 Pontiac yellow pull up. And because of some defect in the car, it made a weird whistling sound. And we'd hear the, and we'd like, no. And we'd turn off the TV and everyone would grab a book and usually it was upside down.
And my dad would come into the house and the first thing he'd do is he'd rush to the TV and put his hand on the screen of course. And if it was slightly warm or if he got a little static shock, he was like, yeah, that's it. Damn. Damn. I mean, we'd all go scampering around with our upside down books. So you don't grab a book, grab the ice tray and just apply ice all around the TV. It's got to be a way to cool it off. Anyway, I love that your dad was pro TV.
Super pro TV. Yeah. I used to watch, we used to watch Abankostello movies every Sunday and I would watch, it's Sesame Street, which is hilarious, Bert Nernier, hilarious and Grover. And yes, I think I did watch things as a student of comedy the way that I see my, my 12 year old watch as things as a student of comedy too, just kind of like figuring out why is that funny? And what if I do that to my brother? Yeah. Oh, you can. And also there's so much great comedy timing you can learn from.
Like you say, Sesame Street, mop it's, the timing is really good. For me, it was Warner Brothers cartoons. Yeah, I watched. Um, and just the figuring out the timing and different voices and, uh, it is crazy that in the 70s, when you would watch an hour of, of loony tunes cartoons, so many of them were about war bonds. Yeah. They're all made in the 40s.
Yeah. And inside jokes were, you know, a guy who, I don't know, looks like Eddie Cantor would come in and you'd be like, who's, what's an Eddie Cantor? Yeah. And the chicken that looked like Bing Crosby, like, you know, that had, you needed an adult near body go, let me explain. But I too was, I was watching a lot of those and they were made in the 40s and then I go to my parents and go, so we got to stop Hitler. Son, we took care of that. Did he apologize? No, no. He shot himself.
Why are we talking about this? I'm seven. But no, it's so funny. You can, you clearly, you absorbed all this stuff and, uh, just, where were you growing up, by the way? New Jersey. Okay. It's not brag. It's one of the most popular states in the nation as a matter of fact, Conan. Really? That's all I can say to Bradnie and Jersey. But it's so small. How could it be? Well, by, by volume. Oh, you know what I mean? What? For how big it is, there's a lot of people in there.
It's got more people per square mile than any other state in the Union. Oh, it's just crowded. It's a crowded state. It's densely populated state. Yeah. People, you have to step outside to change your mind. You know what I'm saying? I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. I guess I'm a witness. I know that it is pine barons, which nobody lives in. Yeah. So how is that possible? It's because there's bodies in there. That's what it is. Yeah. It's the bodies in the pine barons.
The, that's something you don't mention a lot in the New Jersey tourist bureau. What's that? All the bodies in the pine barons? Yeah. That's true. It doesn't come up. Come to the pine barons. You won't not find bodies. Wait, what? You described, I think once that as a kid, you saw a production of Peter Pan that kind of changed your life because there was a moment in this, in the production of Peter Pan that sort of grabbed you. Yeah. Tell me about that.
This was the Peter Pan with Sandy Duncan in the 70s. It was an on Broadway and she would fly out over the audience. And Captain Hook was played by James Hewitt, who was Mr. Belvedere. Oh, remember? Christopher Hewitt. Christopher, yeah. There you go. I just, you know, everything. Um, trust me. It's all he does is go home with his flash cards. And it's true. Yeah. It's like WKRP, Jordan Jump. Can I just say that when that came up right now, every alarm in my head went off and said, don't do it.
It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It's close enough. I know. But he had to say, Captain Hook and me had a scene in front of the curtain. There must have been a scene change going on. And he just says, I'm going to get that Peter Pan and a boy in the audience said, no, you're not. And he said, oh, yes, I will. And the police just went nuts. And it's like the, it was improv. Yes, exactly. But it's, it's just one thing.
It's like such a minor example of improv, but it just was so electrifying, so exciting. He went off script and he responded to a child. So yeah, I, that's the only thing about the show I really remember. And I think the rest of it where he goes like, oh, yes, I will. And it goes, fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck you. Oh, you can't say fuck me. I'm a little boy with one leg. One leg, hey, we'll have no legs soon. You little fucking piece of shit. Tonight, back to me. Hold me back.
Tonight's production of Peter Pan. Fuck you with a steel hook. Tonight's production of Peter Pan will be cut short. Your tickets will be refunded in the audience. Oh, no, they fucking well. This is gold. I'm going to be soon, I'll be Mr. Balvin here. Oh, no. And you can all suck my dick. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. I'm replacing hair vey villages on fantasy island you. It's like, what? The little kids like, I just want to go home. This is awful.
I could definitely see how that would be a moment where you would see it and go, what is this? That's so cool. Yeah. I remember I'm an older gentleman than you. When I graduated college in 85, I desperately wanted to do improv. And the only place I thought you could do improv in the United States was in Chicago. Yeah. Second city or improv Olympic. All I knew about was second city. So I wrote a letter to second city. I did that too.
And it was like, dear sirs, or a madam, it was just like, I wish to do this improv. My name is Conan O'Brien. I just completed my comedic studies at the Lampoon. And I think I'm now, and I've done some performing. I would like to join you. And of course, that's not how you do it. And I just got a form letter back saying, go away. But also I couldn't go to Chicago because I got a gig in LA.
So I went to LA and eventually found, I didn't take too long, but I found improv there, which was the ground links theater. But years later, the upright citizens brigade, I guess started in Chicago, you see. And then came to New York and all these brilliant people suddenly, and we were the benefactors when I say, we, I mean, the people that worked with me on the late night show, we were the benefactors because all these incredible performers showed up who had amazing chops.
And I actually kind of preferred their style of improv. I thought it was really pure and great. And I know that you were a part of that. Yeah, well, situation. My letter to Second City was so embarrassing because I had just graduated from college and I, I had read in Wired the book about John Belushi that he did an impression of Mayor Daley that was so popular that the audience would chant, daily, daily.
And so I made some mention of my letter to perhaps one day, the audience will be chanting that again. Oh. Oh. And so you immediately got a job. They said, no, but I did get it. My form letter said, well, we have our annual audition coming up. You come up here. And I somehow interpreted that as like a really like a personal invitation to come up and audition. All the indications were there that it was not.
But I did, I scheduled an audition and I had no idea what was like people, everybody else auditioning had been through the classes and had auditions before and was steeped in this world that I just showed up. Like, I'm here to get a job. Yeah. So you had a suitcase with lots of stickers. Say Louis. Exactly. But no, they suggested that I should take classes. But I was living in New York and I stayed in New York and then yeah, it felt like Chicago came to me in 1996. You see me. He showed up.
Yeah. And what an amazing group of people. And we were fortunate. I've mentioned this before, but Amy Poler was with UCB and so we cast her as Andy's little sister. Yeah. And she has a big retainer headgear. I was in a bit of one of those bits that's her boyfriend. That's right. So tell me how that worked because her thing was always that she was pining for me and she would stand up and interrupt the show.
And then Andy would always have to break it to her that, you know, this isn't appropriate or something. And she would suddenly turn. And God, I mean, I remember Amy Poler could take, we thought gave her good scripts and she could take whatever we gave her. Let's say we gave her a solid B or B plus script. She would turn it into an A plus plus plus plus plus. But she would turn and she would summon the devils from the deepest bowels of hell to ring down upon us.
Well, the amazing thing about those bits too is when you do a cone and bit at those days, if you were on the stage, you could have cue cards. But if you were an audience plant, there weren't cue cards because I didn't want the studio audience to get ahead and read with you. So you had to memorize it, which is unreasonable. But so Amy had those speeches memorized, completely memorized and committed to them like 110%.
And that was very like instructive and inspiring to me to watch that because I had comparatively very little to say, but she's the incredible things that she was doing. But so that bit was like, she brought along her boyfriend to try to make you jealous. Yes, that's right. When it didn't work, she just throws me under the bus completely and goes into her angry tie raid. So we also benefited by having you.
And then you, I think you did on my last late night show, which is three years ago today, I don't know on this air. Really? Actually, this isn't ever going to air. Oh. This is just, you got a very bad diagnosis. Did you hear me up? This is like a make a wish thing? Yeah. And even you're not aware that you're ill. That would be a better way to do it. Yeah. Yeah. And your wife just asked, you know, so anyway, you came on and you did something I think though on the last show.
Yeah. And I remember just stopping you. I wouldn't let you leave. I was like, ladies and gentlemen, this guy Andy Daley is the funniest person walking the earth. Uh, yes, and I was as uncomfortable then as I am now. I don't really mean it. Oh, that helps. That's helpful. Yeah. I said, that's everyone. Okay. It would just say J. Lowe here. I said, you are the funniest person to ever walk the earth. She just pleared at me angrily. So you do improv.
And somewhere along the line, you got this conviction because when I listened to your monologues and you tell these stories, you did another one as a leprechaun. Did you want as a leprechaun? Well, I do. It's an Irish storyteller. I also have stories about leprechaun. He tells stories about leprechaun's and, um, God, it's so dark, but you just go into it with such full commitment. Mm-hmm. And you never wink. You never break.
Uh, and it's just a testament to your, just conviction that this is what I'm doing. Mm-hmm. And it is 100% right. Yeah. And anyone who disagrees can leave. I just, I don't know. I love that. I think that's the way you have to go. Yeah. I always felt annoyed when the host of the show after I left will go, Andy Daley, ladies and gentlemen, I was like, no, leave them thinking it's patio herni. So what was the guy with patio hurli? I remember it was really funny.
He's an Irish storyteller who talks about leprechaun's, but he gets sidetracked, doesn't he? I've changed it. But I think the one on the album is that he's, um, he's won a Blarney contest. So this is like whoever can tell the most fantastical stories about leprechauns and, and harpies and whatever, wins the Blarney contest. And he's a wonderful storyteller. And so he tells the audience what his story is. Something like I showed up for Christmas lunch and I was full and I couldn't eat a bite.
And somebody said, Patty, why are you showing off for Christmas lunch and you can't eat a bite? And I told him, and then he weaves a whole story about leprechauns and whatever. And then he says, now, but what really happened was, and then he tells what really happened, which is like, well, there was a, I'm a landlord and this, this woman didn't pay her rent for the longest time. And I said, you got to pay that fucking rent. And Jesus, no, I don't have it. I don't have it.
And I said, well, you know what I'll do? Then I'm going to kill your cat and put it in a stool. He's right in front of you. And that's what I did. I, I used her cat. And then I never, him got like, he does a transitional thing where he goes like, so, I don't know what it is. Like the equivalent of so anyway. I forget what it was, but it was really funny. Yeah. Like a wheeeee. Wheeeee. Right. Every story would be good. Well, it seems one day. Yeah. Something like that. Yeah. Really hilarious.
How do people get, though? How can you hear all those monologues? Are they available? Well, they're all collected on an album called Nine Sweaters. And that I think is on your streaming things. Yep. Like you can find it on your Spotify. If you really want to laugh, these are such great monologues. They're so funny. Nine sweaters. Yeah. Find that. I'm going to relisten to it because I'm always, I think about them every now and then I realize that I got it. No, I don't have it right.
I have to listen to them again. And that's it. Goodbye. Yeah. I'd like you to memorize them. I'm going to memorize them. Yeah. Have a good. You guys had to memorize stuff for me all those years. Yeah, exactly. I had two cards. Yeah, right. You never ventured into the audience. Those awful people. I'm not going to go in there. Every now and then people say, Kona, why don't you drift into the audience and talk to them. The filthy weirdos who come to this show.
Who would come to this show if they didn't have to? They're just here for free sandwiches, I suppose. So I know you guys work together. You and Mr. Matt Gourley work together on many projects. You guys do a, what is it? Banana's for a banana? That's right. Which is basically, and you get to play a character you played on my show several times Dalton Wilcox, who is kind of a poet of the West. Yeah. Well, he's the poet laureate of the West as a mirror figure.
The cowboy poet and his big fan of banana. And yeah, it's a rewatch. It's like a rewatch show of Bonanza. Yeah. Except that I, Andy Daly, have no particular interest in Bonanza. But the character of Dalton Wilcox really does. So I'm in this bizarre position in life where now I do a podcast about Bonanza because a character I play would. You know what I mean? Yeah. So now we are watching every episode of Bonanza. You guys watch it. And there are 431 episodes of Bonanza.
There's only 431, unfortunately. I know. Too bad. And we've only got 300 some left. Yeah, we're about to do number 61. So we're racing through them. Dark days. Yeah. So a couple of questions has Adam left the show yet? No. Oh, no. Robert. He's still in the show. He's still. He doesn't leave till after season 5. We did skip ahead to one episode where Haas has a run in with a bunch of leprechauns. That's true. We did. You know what's so funny?
I know a lot about the show Bonanza because my brother Neil, who is a TV official and I was especially 50s, 60s and early 70s, his go to is Bonanza. He's watched them all. He's watched many of them several times. And as a result, because I use my brother. I love my brother. I go hang with him and I end up watching Bonanza too. The tone shift on that show from episode to episode is insane. Yes. We have a theory about that.
For a long time, they were just collecting unaird pilots and tailoring them to Bonanza because often a lot of the characters aren't even in it. They'll just be two brothers and a father. Well, you know, it's so funny though, it's like you'll watch an episode and it's really dark. It's like, you know, an old Confederate general who won't accept that the Civil War is over.
It comes to town and he, you know, he captures, you know, little Joe and whips him and keeps him in a cave and is going to kill him. And the other family members get him out just in time and it's harrowing and they end up beating the guy to death who is trying to whip little Joe. And it ends and you're like, oh my God, that was rough. And then my brother, Neil would say like, what's the next one? And I'm like, all right.
And it's like little Joe and Haas, they buy a donkey and they buy a donkey because they think a donkey has, you know, can race and can be an erase. And they're death like, you bought a donkey. And those comics things like, yeah, the music throughout those comic levels. And then they'll cut to the donkey and walk, walk, walk, walk, walk. And it's all very silly and you're like, oh my God, okay. And then you watch the next one, Adam's been kidnapped.
They're cutting him with knives and sending pieces of him to the bananza family and telling them, you're not going to see him again. And it's just like in the end, they find the guy who's cutting off pieces of Adam and they beat him to death. And then the next episode, the next episode, I got some sickens Paul. What did you, what are you, what are you two idiots done now? Paul, we bought an ostrich that can read mine. I got to be on this podcast. Oh, you said you absolutely must.
I definitely want to be honest. It's I'm obsessed with bananza. Strangely enough, Robert Altman directed eight or nine episodes of bananza. And so Pat Nazwalt has been our guest for every one of those. He has a choice. Yes, his choice. I'd like to come on and discuss every Robert Altman directed episode of bananza. You should tell them about our quest to buy a bananza steakhouse. Oh, yeah. Well, so there are no bananza or ponderosa steakhouses anymore.
No, but there's there are none west of like Missouri or something like that. There's only a few in the Northeast, but there's a bunch internationally, strangely, like Dubai. And we're really weird. I just wanted to buy. Because there are four on Staten Island and it's each corner of the of an intersection. They had a hard time in COVID. It should be fair because it's mostly salad bar. And nobody was in the mood for that. Yeah, sneeze guard didn't seem like enough. And yes, we were people.
But so we decided we were going to try to open one and we called the guy at fat brands, which is like the fast food consortium that owns both of those brands. And yeah, we were completely rejected. Well, we called him in character. We did call him in character. Oh, well, okay. I sent some problem here. You called him. So do the phone call. Just like, hello, is this this fellow from fat brands? My name is Dalton Wilcox, but Dalton Wilcox, I'm the poet, Laurie, to the west.
I'm a true American cowboy. Okay, I don't want to do this, sir. Well, hang on just a sec before you hang about. I just want to talk to you about open to ponderosa bane's of steakhouse. We got an abandoned peer one important. No, no, no, no. And we're in there anyway. Okay, most days. Now, we keep the bead curtains. I love that. I love that. I just, he didn't fall forward for one second. It is true. Like right from the very beginning of the call, he was like, well, you're clearly media.
And let me refer you to our media person. You're clearly doing an improv based character. My guess is you've had second city, but I'm going to say you see B training. This is probably for an audio medium. Probably a podcast. You also probably work as an actor on the side. Yeah, I'm not interested. We also, I think we stupidly asked him if he would consent to being recorded or something like.
So right from that point, it was like no, but we did use the transcript and had a voice reenactor replay it on the podcast. So you can listen on the Patreon, I believe, right? Yes, but that implies that we did record him. Even after he said, no, we didn't. We just did it by memory. We did it by memory. We did it by memory. We did it by memory. Good save. You have a dream to open up a business called not a problem. I'm so glad you mentioned this. And it's KNOT a problem. Not a problem.
Tell us about this store. So one thing I really enjoyed doing around the house is untangling things, headphones, marionette strings, which do you have more? Headphones are very nice. Mostly marionettes. When you're working your marionette and you're using your headphones at the same time, it's a fucking mess. Forget it. And if the marionette has headphones, it doesn't even get me started.
Yeah, sometimes members of my family will wash clothes and they won't realize that they've got multiple pairs of headphones and marionettes in their pockets. And so when that comes out of the dryer, that's my day. To keep you on track, the business you want to open is called not a problem. I'm doing right now. I'm untangling this conversation. I've not left the topic at all. So yes, I would like to open a store where people bring in their difficult to untangle things.
And I will just sit there and I'll untangle it for them while they wait. I'll do a while you wait. And it's a pay what you think is right. Kind of situation. What are we bringing this year? Nothing. Wow. I mean, okay, we're good for you. I think my busy season will be Christmas time. People bring out the lights, you know, the Christmas tree lights. That's going to be a huge task. Is this something you really are good at? I think I am good at it. Yes, I am. I'm good at detangling things.
Yeah. Like jewelry? Jewelry is a tough one. I'm not sure about jewelry. I have tried that and the result is broken jewelry. But maybe you would just make it clear. My wife sometimes has like tangled jewelry and I say, I'll do it and I take it to the garage and I use a wire cutter to cut it all apart. And then I crudely tape it back together. And when she's the least bit upset, I say, you asked for my help. I get it. This is fucking thanks again. And then I drink. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of works.
As long as, yeah, so I might put up an advisory like a sign that says, well, I'm happy to try your jewelry. The result will be broken jewelry and I'll be drunk. Something like that. And angry at you. Now, because your mind ever quiet down. I'm trying to think of Andy Daly at night trying to go to sleep. Are there characters bouncing around in your head? Are you able to quiet that mind of yours? Yeah, I do get to sleep eventually, most nights.
Yeah, I try to listen to something boring like this bucket. Okay. That's just sick. That's a terrible thing to say. No, I'm only teasing. No, no, no, no, that came from the heart. The BBC World News is what I listen to to get to sleep. I have to hear, I have to listen to that. And then I, I, I absorb bad news from around the world. It doesn't give you bad dreams. It does sometimes. But they say that in that clipped British way that's very calming. Yeah, exactly.
You know, a heat dome across the globe. Destroying all human kind of you like a cold. Yeah, that's just a lot of my getting good night. Good night. And then leave you with it with a light story, usually. Oh, do they? Yeah. It's about a chimney sweep that got rescued. It's been stuck there for 11 years. Full of gobs stuck us found into the tube. The balloons of a chimney sweep were found. And they're unfortunate accidently really wonk of factory.
You know, those discloops tells his story exclusively. Has anyone ever done a thing where OSHA visits the world of wonk of factory? I just felt like that would be it. It just seems to be like that. I mean, I don't know if someone's done that sketch. Yeah, just OSHA walking around going this chocolate river. I know that. There's no fencing. Yeah. There's no, there's no barricades. Well, the idea that like the chocolate river is perfectly sanitary unless someone falls into it. That's not right.
That can't be. It's an open air chocolate river. Right. And also when a kid falls in it, they panic and wet themselves. Right. That goes into the chocolate. What they do. And who knows what the oompa lupa are doing and that thing after hours? Oh, yeah. Good boy. What? They live there on premises. They live there on premises. Well, there's a lot of them. They clearly. Yeah. Like, yeah, or G. Well, I'm just saying it's possible. You know, there's a lot of sugar around which is.
Don't be a greedy little boy and go to the chocolate fountain. It would have been fine if he wasn't such a like. But here's the thing. Look at. Look at. I'm talking about the Gene Wilder movie. I haven't seen the Johnny Depp one, but go look at the none of this. Another one too. Oh, yeah. Timothy. Timothy. Timothy. I just, my reference is the Gene Wilder and just look. Bridges with. There's all kinds of hazards left and right. You go into rooms.
There's gop stoppers on tables and kids are swallowing things. Yeah. It's a lawsuit left and right. I mean, that's our mental candy. Yeah. I know. Yeah. They also atomize people and, you know, that happens. Okay. No. We do that here. We've had several kids atomized here. You know, disappear. Well, just have a child in your pocket. Um, little little TV talk. Like TV Christopher here. It gets really small. TV talk. TV talk. TV talk. I read an early draft of the book.
We're just talking about a lot of nothing here. But I also think we're laughing. We're enjoying and we're communicating. Isn't that what it's all about? You keep folding your arms. Why it's very hostile. Uh, yeah, I want you to be intimidated. They're at all possible. I was going to fight you and now I'm not. See that? It worked. How would you like me to sit? What's this has been? I like it when someone is open like open heart.
Okay. You know, how long have you and Matt Gourley been working together? We started doing a podcast together in 2014. That was the idea. And then you came on super ego. That would have been like 2011. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. That's when I first met you. So however many years that is between then and now. 13 years. Could be. So intimidated by math. 2014, whatever that could be. I guess we'll never know. Well, I don't know. It's 2024 now. So I think it's a pretty round number. Well, good luck to you.
I've never been done. There's some paper. There's not a man alive who could calculate the distance between 2014 and 2024. Many have tried and gone man. Gone quite insane. Wasn't there some puzzle at like CIA headquarters or something like that that you would sit and you would try to solve this puzzle. And then it turned out to have been printed wrong. There was no solution. Really? I believe so. Because Dan Brown wrote a book about that after we did. And she could. Yeah. All right.
All of my information is from Dan Brown. Yeah. So you're not widely read, but you're very deeply. If Dan Brown wrote it, you know all about it. And all about it. Yes. Opus Day. You know what that is. Oh, oh, because I'm Catholic. Exactly. Well, how were you raised in what religious? Yes. Same. Catholic. Were you raised Catholic? Yeah. But we were allowed to stop after first communion. A loud to stop. What age were you at first? And you can stop now. Eight. When you're eight.
And so right then you said, I'm out. Yeah. Yeah. They were like, you can keep going to the confirmation thing, which is like at that point six years away. Or you can stop. And I said, oh, that's stopping sounds great. Let me stop being a Catholic. Have you been tempted by another religion? No, not at all. Oh, come on. What? You want to sell me on one? Yeah, sure. I guess I think you'd be a Buddhist. Oh, okay. Yeah. What does that entail? Just you're very calm. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, centered.
Mm-hmm. You're belly a lot. Mm-hmm. That's not it. No, it's not it. You don't rub. You rub the boot as well. You rub the, I think. You don't know anything about Buddhism. When I see people with a big belly, I always just reach out. We chover and rub it. Yeah, I do. That's going to be the next me too. Oh. Because I, you know, it's going to be that I, if I see someone with a big, big, big old belly, I'm talking about a fella. That's about with a big old belly.
I always lean over and I give it a little rub. And I'm just going to give you a, you got a big old belly. I'm going to give it a little rub, little rub, rub, rub. They love it, right? No, they always get very angry. Oh, interesting. And I say, hey, chubs, can't take it down or not. I don't know why they get so mad. That's strange. That's not a good idea. Is a bad idea. Yeah. There's probably some questions you want to ask me. I'm one of your heroes. Like, I don't recall him saying that. What?
I don't recall him saying that. I don't recall him saying that. I don't know. I was really bummed out because I was looking at your comedy heroes here. Oh, John Belu, she's Steve Martin, George Carlin, Martin Short, period. What? No, there's so many more than that. Conan O'Brien, first and foremost. Yeah. Would be on there. You fucked up big time. Yeah, coming in here. You were watching me as a child when I was on in the 50s and 60s. I sure I was.
Yes. Yes. No, no, no. How old would you have been in 1993 when I come on the scene? 22 years old. Yes. I can well remember sitting around with friends and watching your show. We were that excited about a new host of 1235. And gathered around to watch it. Did you say to yourself, I'm going to one day be his good friend. I would never would have dreamed of it. No. But I do remember watching that first show with John Goodman and Felix. You know, Tony Randall. Tony Randall.
Yeah. And saying, this show cannot be this good a second time. I really was like, it can't be that good. We had a good, we had a good, we had a good, no, no, no, no. I'm so sorry. I was like, that is so above and beyond what a late night comedy talk show wants to try to be. We were swinging for the fences on the first one. And actually the first couple. And then we started to get really, we started to realize, oh, wait, we have to do thousands of things.
I know, but I can't have like a, but the idea of doing scripted sketches, scripted bits in the context of like people weren't really doing that. To have somebody come in like John Glazer and all those hilarious people. And one of them was your roommate, Andy Blitz. Yeah, Andy Blitz used to be the channing guy in the audience. He had a couple of characters. And I remember he, I don't think he was there from the very beginning. He was not there for the beginning right now.
Yeah, Andy Blitz and I went to high school together and have been friends ever since. We did comedy together in high school. And then he wrote for you for all many years. Many, many years. And he hasn't changed at all every time I see Andy Blitz. He hasn't changed the way he dresses. He still dresses like a 22 year old comedy writer. Yeah, no, by my calculations. Now he's 81. Again, that math. It's just about impossible. Can't be done. Math is a Bermuda triangle.
They'll never figure out how to add or subtract really. Yeah, no, no way. Yeah, but I watched your show every single night until I was on it. And then I saw like, oh, once once you get this close to it, it's not that great. Yeah. I'll say you met you met the true monster. You saw a criminal Brian, the real criminal Brian. I said, listen, daily, you're going to come through today. Oh, you want dead man, see? No, it's it's so strange. It's a good time. I'm sure you've had this.
It's like a show that you've seen on television so many times and then you're actually in it. You're there. It's really, really weird. It's bizarre. Like the space doesn't seem at all like it seems on television. Yeah, that's kind of the magic of that studio, which I inherited from David Letterman. He did his show from, we say 82 to 93 there and we did ours 93 to 2009. And it's a small studio. It really is meant to be a little radio studio.
And when Robert Smiglin, I first saw it, we thought, well, no, this isn't big enough. It's got to be bigger and we've got to figure out ways because we, and then you realize, no, everything you need to do must be done in this space and limitations. It's what I always go back to. Limitations are your friend and you kind of limit people that think, no, no, bigger, bigger. It's got to, you know, we need an opera house. No, you don't.
Yeah. You just need the space that you were assigned and if it feels like it's too small, you know, you'll figure it out. The weird thing is that when you cut from one camera to the other camera, the distance between those two things you're seeing could be anything to the viewer. Right. They don't know how far away the stage is from the desk. Turns out they're not far at all. What's your saying? People that watch TV are stupid. So dumb. Wow. For a judgmental guy. Absolutely. Propelled by hatred.
What are you working on these things? What are you working on these days? What's, you know, I mean, podcasting. We're doing a, we're putting out a podcast every week and I have no assistance whatsoever with all the minutia of it. Yeah, this guy does it all. I do it all. He runs the whole Patreon everything. And I love it. He does a little research for all the actors on every episode and he comes with all these notes. It's amazing. Yes, I do it. Every piece of it.
I want to come on the podcast because I think you'll be disturbed by how much I know about the music. I'm already a little bit. And you'll be concerned. It's frankly disappointing. You'll be concerned. It's not my doing. It's my brother Neil, who to this day will, whenever he's watching Benanza, will take a picture of the screen and send it to my phone. And instead of him saying, oh, yeah, I'm here. I'm here with dad. He's doing well. It's, no, it's a picture of Bruce Dern. Oh, yeah.
You know, yelling at one of the current rights. I'm not sure if it's a Benanza. Wow. Sounds like we should have your brother on. I know. You should. Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. Maybe we could get Neil to do it. That would be fantastic.
But the other thing that's everyone's, I mean, notices before, but whenever on Benanza, whenever one of the three sons takes a fancy to a woman and they're going to get married, you know that she will be dead in 40 minutes because it's like Gilligan's Island. And you can't leave the island is the premise of the show and the other premises, none of these guys successfully get married. If there's a woman in the show, that's the first thing that I have.
Yeah. And then if there is, she's a dead woman. But if there is, she's a dead woman. It's funny how often there are episodes where it's like, there wasn't even a woman in the background. Not even a mention of where in town. Yeah. But the other thing too, a recurring thing on the show is that there'll be somebody who is one of the characters best friend. Like this guy's, oh, I'm knowing him forever. He's my bet. You've never seen him before. You'll never see him again.
Yeah. You've never heard tell of him before? Never heard tell of him before. No. Also, and I know we're going down a little rabbit hole here about the show Benanza. And if you haven't watched the show, Benanza, this is a total waste of your time. But it was on for 14 years. Yeah. Started in 1959. I believe we're not the year in 73 or 74. But anyway, we'll never be able to calculate 73. Yeah. My brother, Neil, might make an argument that they shot one that aired in 74.
That might be his, he might have some TV movies. Don't talk back to me. That's not why I'd take you, Bert. And if you want to speak, you raise a closed fist and then I have to nod. We have all kinds of codes here. We should have told you that before. Yeah. I don't know why you're bringing up the rules now. Yeah. If you have a question, you do this. It's a little wiggle of the. Well, I have no question. Okay. I can see that because you're not doing this. You're a rule follow right now that.
Wait, there was some point I was going to make up an answer. And it was a good one. I think it's okay. No. No. Oh, damn it. I remember it. Don't you think we should just wait until I remember it? But then even not edit this. So this is just a time. I think we're good, right? Don't. Yeah, we're probably good. No, probably good. Oh, this is the point I was going to bring. The whole point is that they own the biggest piece of land, right? What state is it? Are they in Nevada? Nevada territory.
But all these shows that were predicated on. And it's the same thing I would say with Yellowstone today. The show Yellowstone is all about how this one family owns 8 billion acres. And and bananas, it's all about they own half of Nevada. Yeah. It takes multiple days to traverse their property. And it's in it's a guy with three sons who occasionally date and their and their girlfriends get killed. That's it. And and the same thing with the other show was the big valley.
It was about a family, the Barclays that that had jumped. You know, so a lot of these shows and I say it's still happening today because I've noticed it with Yellowstone. I sit there and I question the premise of owning that much land. I mean, but hands that especially because the more the show goes on, the more you realize they're kind of like a mob family where they're taking from people and they they seem really nice on the surface.
But over time, you realize that yeah, they're just kind of you served the land. But also people are every other episode is someone of and not just that Western, but every other episode of Yellowstone every episode. So many of the episodes around these westerns, it's almost a genre of guy shows up, claims half the state is his land and builds a big fence. And then people ride through and half the episodes are people going, how come you have all this? This is too much. Get out of here.
We're the bananas again. Yeah. It's important to mention to that Ben Cartwright, the father, each son is from a different wife and they've all died. And it seems really kind of mysterious about how they died too. Like maybe this man has very free wives. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good show. I don't think so. There are good episodes. It's pretty inconsistent. I will say this. It was a massive hit. Yeah. It was one of the most successful shows of its era.
And it was the dominant show for so many years that I once watched an episode of a sitcom that was made in the mid 60s. And as a joke, they said, hey, our show is moving to so and so. Yeah. And they said, Bananza and all the cast members go, it was the biggest thing of its day. The Smothers Brothers finally took them out of the top spot. Did you know that? Yeah. Yeah. They rode into that property with their guitar and their right base. Yeah. And the hippie politics. With their hippie politics.
Their anti-Vietnam war stance. Yeah. They're niche comedy and they kick the shitter. That's family. No, but it's just funny to me that how are you supposed to root for? Yeah. Should three people have own half of a state? No. I don't think they should. Might be self. No, I'm not a communist. But they're reasonable. They'll give you a couple days to ride out. I love that we've talked as much about Bananza. This episode will single-handedly take down Conan O'Brien needs a friend.
But we have a real boost to Bananza. Yeah. No kittens. We have avid listeners of our podcast by the way who have never watched an episode of Bananza. Yeah. Seems like almost all of them. Can you watch them now? Somehow they're on YouTube. I don't know why. All of them. Oh, no. But also I think you can tell a vision. Oh, yeah. There's plenty of places that show Bananza. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's just always playing somewhere. It's one of those shows it's always playing.
The show is owned by some lawyer in New Jersey. Is that very strange? Yeah. I don't know why. But he owns the show. That should have him on sometimes. Wow. It's very strange. Well, listen. This has been our deep dive into the show Bananza. Yeah. 1959 to, well, we'll say 73. I think there was Neil. We're going to get him on the phone at some point. We might be able to clarify for us. I think they airs. No need. It really was. 59 to 73. You're not speaking until I tell you. Oh, listen.
One rule I have here is you can't contradict me. If I lay out a fact, you just have to agree. Oh, okay. Time. That's hard for me. I love nothing more than an argument. You seem so confrontation. Yes, that's me. That's all I got. I love talking to you. You're a goofy, foolish man. You are an imp. Oh, you are. He is. He's just your delightful, delightful comedy sprite. I'm going to say that right now. And I'm sure you have equally. I'm five nine. Okay. I'm tiny.
You're not about you, Andy. You're just a tiny, tiny little picture in your pocket. But no, I'm just my favorite. I'm the average type for a man. I don't think amp or sprite are appropriate. I picture small things when you say that. You're a little comedic doll. That's the way to get into a little comedic doll. That's what I knew. I'm a little comedic doll. An anteliquist dummy that shrank in the wash. Got even smaller than most anteliquist dummies. You bring me great joy. You always have.
And thank you so much for hanging with me today. Thank you. I really enjoyed. That was so fake here. I'll try to say it more. Thank you. Thank you. No, I'm going to try to say it like I made it. Thank you. Why do you have to ram me into it. I do it in the Irish guy. Oh, thank you. I can't sincerely thank somebody for anything. I can't. I can't. I'm gonna try to channel some gratitude. Okay. Coffee was free. I'm gonna turn him into that. Thank you. That was good. That was good.
That approached humanity. That was great. You're an AI person. That's a lot out of me. I'm gonna have to light out. Well done. You know, real boy. Yeah. Exactly. Uh, thank you, Andy Daley. You're a magical man. Thank you. Thank you. It was a nice fun surprise. My old pal of over 75 years, Andy Richter, just wandered by and we grabbed him and pulled him into the studio. Andy, how are you? I'm good. I was here stealing chips. Were you in the kitchen? No, but I do.
I do actually, uh, I have a four year old and I steal chips and put them in the console of my car. So when I pick her and she's now brilliant. When she I pick her up, then I've got, you know, like some pop chips or whatever to give her. And now when I don't have them, she's pissed. Yeah. No, you created the, uh, the expectation. We have a nice kitchen here at the team cocoa, beautiful kitchen and, um, Erica Brown keeps it stock with these nice chips.
I once a month, we have to go over the books and they told me that we've been hemorrhaging. And we isolated it. Yep. There's been it. There's been a chip loss. Mm-hmm. Mostly, uh, aropops chips. Come and get me screws. I love it. You're stealing the chips. Now, do you, do you put them under your, do you just do it openly or have you ever found yourself being kind of fern about it?
Oh, if anybody walks by, I say, I'm stealing these and then I put them in the, you know, I have a, it's like, I have this console and I have, I, my car is such like a mom car. Like I have, I have a spoon and a fork. I have a sewing kit. I have band aids. I have a, uh, Benadryl and, uh, you know, I have, I have all and gum and mints and just all kind of shit on my car. Yeah, I really am.
I mean, and it, and it, it's, it's like my purse, you know, it's like, it's like mom's purse, but it's the console of my car, you know, well, I'm so happy you came by because, uh, A, you know, we had, we had a chip build up. So we need it to lead some of them off. But I only take the ones that are not good. But I, for your role, we'll be like, yeah, there's better nothing like your fucking right to this. You know, things like, zesty ranch pee. Oh, shit like that.
Yeah, there's a lot of healthy chip. I think either eat a chip or don't, right? But whenever they say, no, it's made of soy. It's barbecue soy puff. I think I think sun chips are like the snack industry's biggest fuck you to America. Sun chips. They're just, it's like, because they can't be good for you, but they, they're purportedly like they taste cardboardy and weedy enough that you're like, well, this can't be, this can't be bad for me.
But no, they're probably just about as bad as, as, as, as live chips. Sun chips makes me think they were made by the sun. Yes, exactly. So, you know, I'm not handsome. Bugs landed on them. Well, I'm glad you're here, Andy, because a gentleman has wandered into the studio. Yes. You know, we have, we need better security here. And I'm told his name is August Lint, but I don't really know anything about him when I thought maybe you could help me find out more about this fellow. Is it August Lint?
Yeah, that's right. Okay. You got it right on the first try. I was guessing because you don't, you don't see a lot of later hosin in this neighborhood. Also, in this weather, it's like 90s hot. Yeah, but it's great because they're nice and short. Okay. That was good. They're little, they're a little too short, they're little too short. Yeah, because I can, I can tell you're religion. Oh, stop it. That's not possible. It's not possible.
I think your must be teasing me, but yeah, these are short laid-offs. Also, August, are you from Bavaria? Are you from Germany? Were you from? I'm from Düsseldorf, Germany. Okay. And what do you do, sir? I work in a salt inspector in the Schmeiderberg pretzel factory. You inspect salt? Yes, I'm the junior, I'm actually now I'm the junior and the senior salt inspector. And what I do is I, this salt comes down the belt and I decide, yeah, this is good enough for a pretzel.
This is not good enough for a pretzel. This is too good for a pretzel. And that's my job. I do it all day long. What happens to the salt? It's too good for a pretzel. That goes to like a sea salt chocolate or something like that. No, I see, I see. Something really fancy. No, Andy, are you familiar with Düsseldorf because you have German roots? I do. I've never been to Düsseldorf. In fact, the only time I've been to Germany at all was to, with you. Yeah, we did a travel show there.
Yeah, we did a travel show in Berlin. And then one of my favorite segments of all time is us doing the shoe platler. Speaking of later hosting. It was one of the funniest, I'm not supposed to say that, but something I'm involved in. I'll say it. It was one of the funniest things ever just heard about now. They're all just, let's get attention back to you because that seems to be what you want. Exactly. It's so difficult. How did you get this job as the pretzel salt inspector?
Oh, well, I heard they had auditions. It's not a job interviewer. It's like a real high pressure audition. It was, we had a hassle off was there. No. It was part of the panel, of course. Sure. And he was one of the judges. Yeah, that was a panel of judges. And then it was like, let's see your salt inspecting. And because the trick of it is like, they really don't want you to judge the salt bike taste because, you know what I mean, then it's going to go on a pretzel.
Yeah. It should not first be in your mouth. Right. That's unsanitary. Exactly. So you have to show that you can look at it and judge it that way. Okay, we don't know where you go after it. It's not funny. You describing your job. So, you know, I want to know like, is your inspecting only before the pretzel is applied to the pretzel? Like, what about the salt? The salt. Yeah, the salt. What about after the salt's been applied to the pretzel? Is there an inspection process after that?
Because I can imagine that that amount has to be very precise. That's a whole different apartment. They don't let me get anywhere near to finish pretzel. Why? Because I'm not skilled enough. I don't have the salt. To be honest with you, August, it sounds like maybe there was an incident. Sometimes, I will go over to the other side of the building where the finished pretzels are. Yeah. And I think I'm touching too many of them and not in the right respectful way.
Okay, well, why were you over there? Wasn't it made clear to you that you're not supposed to go to where the finished pretzels are? Maybe Dale Sagan. Woman, Dale, that I can't get enough of. Oh, really? Yeah. I just looked at her name. What's her name? Her name is Gordtrude. Wait a minute. Is it Gordtrude or Gordtrude? It's Gordtrude. Oh my God. I can't get enough of just watching her. Okay, so have you... Has she returned your affections? No, I wouldn't say that. But...
She has asked me in writing to stop. Oh, really? Dale's alone. Okay, well, that's an important thing because here in this country, I hope globally there's more of a movement that if women don't want your attention, they say that and you go away. Absolutely. Yes. But only sometimes I will go over and just to watch her. Okay, well, that's not good. What does her job... What does she do? Like, what are you watching her do? She takes... Okay. You can't believe it. She takes a cart full of pretzels.
Yeah. She wears them from that machine over to the bagging machine. Right, so she's just wheeling pretzels. Yeah, all day long. But do you like... Is she dressed in a provocative way? She's got... It's like a hazmat suit type of thing. Oh, that doesn't sound... It's no... But you have to see the way she wears it. Nobody wears a hazmat suit like Gordtrude. Okay. Okay. I don't know why they don't just have a belt. Yeah. That conveyor belt that takes the pretzels. Yeah. That is the package.
Why is that a standard thing in most bags? Yeah, why does Gordtrude have to take this pretzel over to where it's bag? You think it'd be a machine? Are you okay, August? I'm fine. Yeah, no, it's the nepotism. Okay. So you think Gordtrude's related to someone at the factory? Oh, yeah. Her name is Gordtrude Schmeiderberg. She's part of the Schmeiderberg family. She's famous for her name. I hate that. So let me just ask you something. And this is very important to me.
What do you think of these American pretzels? When you come to our shores and you taste our pretzels, you know, that you buy at a supermarket, what do you think? I don't want to be like, what's the word, pedantic or something like that? But there's literally no pretzels in the United States. Do you know what I mean? Like, those are not pretzels. They're not. They're not. They're not. They're not pretzels. I often, I'll, my wife will buy a bag of pretzels and we'll eat them up.
You call them that. Yep. But that's, it doesn't qualify as a pretzel. Because it's not made in the right way. I have told you all pretzel factories. There are no dedicated salt inspectors. There is nobody to wield the pretzels to the bagging area. They're not made to the standards of a high quality German pretzel. Okay. I think you're, I'm sorry. I think you're being a little bit of a snob here. But a little bit. I'm trying to be 100% of a snob in favor of pretzels, man.
Hey. Don't get all hippy on me. Wow. What was that, man? You know, they hard pretzels, your soft pretzels that you guys make. Where they start out and eat soft and then you cook them and they become hard. Okay. That's hard to process. See, I just can't believe that there's that big of a difference between, say like a Snyder's pencil being you dutch. Yeah. Oh, fried pretzels. And then, and then a Schneider, or Schneider, whatever. Schneider, but whatever. Schneider, whatever.
You can't believe does that make about everance? I can't. I mean, I green a salt to green a salt. Oh my god. All right, I'm talking about. I'm sorry. There's, you have to consider the size. Okay. And the opacity. And do you wear like a diamond? Yeah. And here's my question. Do you use any kind of small tool like a tweezer? I, of course, I have tweezer. There's a various different sizes to pick up and inspect the salt. And I got one of them things that a doula veils do. I got a doula. A doula.
Yeah. We don't call it that in Germany. What do you call it? There's no word for it. We just, we just call it that thing that a doula puts on its glass. Oh, wow. Okay. That's a meaning for you. Yeah. It sure is. Yeah. It's a limiting language. Yeah. Really? We don't put a piece of salt on a pretzel unless it's like a 14 carat piece of salt. You know what? I just caught a clarity and carrot.
I guess I don't want me to offend you, but I just always assumed that there was a machine that just spat a whole bunch of salt onto a pretzel. Oh, you don't mean to offend me. I'm sorry. That's the way I think it's done in your stupid country, in your Pennsylvania Dutch place. But at Schmeiderberg pretzel, a man does the spitting out of the salt. Okay. With precision and care and training for years and Hasselhoff approved. Okay. Well, listen, I'm going to have to wrap it up with you August.
I want to say this, I'm always admire people. And I think you'll agree. And the people that are dedicated to what they do and take it seriously. Absolutely. Even as silly as it is. Yeah. It's important. Sometimes people have silly jobs. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, it's silly. And I don't know. It just feels like what you're doing is probably not making a difference. And you're would be easily replaced by a hose or something.
But at the same time, but I just tell you, you know, you're trying to wrap it up, but they did try to replace me with a hose. And it didn't go good. Oh, it didn't go good. No. How bad? How not good did it go? It was a disaster. What happened? There was salt all over the place. You can't put salt through a hose. Oh, I didn't know. I didn't know. Were you there when it went wrong so that you could... No. I had been fired. Okay. And I was at the bottom of my bottle. And then I got a phone call.
Telling me. The hose was a bust. Please come back. Okay. And did you have kind of an attitude when you came back? Of course I did. And I have to this day. Yeah. Like, oh, I hope you're a hose. You know, yeah. Yeah. I've ordered time. I'll say, well, okay. You can always ask the hose again. Stop my debt. You know, a hose doesn't go stare at Gertrude. Yeah. That's true. Gertrude. Gertrude, I'm sorry. Gertrude, my friend. All right. Well, August, I know that...
And I say this with great sarcasm that you're a busy man. But I've only got seven months of vacation just you. Oh, you're up. They know how to do it. Socialism. Thank you, August and Andy. We got to do more of this. This is a real treat. Sure. Thank you. I just, I saw it. You guys were having fun in here and I wasn't. Well, you were busy stealing. That's right. While you were shouting, yeah, I'm stealing this. I was. Long, long, long. Oh, long, long, long, long, long. I'm not a cornering man.
All right, bye-bye, everybody. Goodbye. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonom of Sessian, and Mac Gorley, produced by me, Mac Gorley, executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Lee Ow, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Ear Wolf, theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.
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