comedy4cast is the official podcast of Newton's Laws of Motion, Airport Shuttle Buses, and Rodeo Clowns. The comedy4cast Network. Let's dog-ear that for now. Oh hi! You're here! Great! Welcome to the show. I'm Clinton, and this is comedy4cast Episode 861, The Arcana Unity. In this episode, Jess Krazier is back, doing a night gig instead of his usual Money Talks financial show. This one may solve a few problems, but raise a whole lot more.
Before that, did you know you can support comedy4cast without spending a single penny or whatever it is that's replacing those? How? Recommend us to a friend. Repost a link. give us a review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. And thank you. Now, let's have some fun. You're listening to K. O.K. K? K. FM, serving the greater Chasm Valley and our one online listener. Hi, Ms. Havisham. And now, it's time for Is That Right? with your host, Jess Krazier!
I'm Jess Krazier, and tonight, on my brand new nighttime talk show, I'm taking your calls about conspiracy theories. I claim everyone has one, but I can't get anyone to confirm that on the record. And when I dig deeper, I begin to see a pattern, but not the kind of pattern that repeats, because all these conspiracy theories contradict each other, and nobody knows how that works.
To explain how that works, my special guest tonight is a former CIA employee who, for reasons of personal safety, hides his identity behind the codename Thunderwings. Please welcome Tim Patterson. It's a good thing that's also a fake name. I was going to ask you about that, because I have the check for your appearance here tonight, and it's made out to Dirk Kinsner. Can we just get on with this? I have to go home to immediately move to some other city.
Are you sure you can fit everything into that red Honda Fit you drove here? Stop doing that. Dirk, you claim to have developed a way to make sense of all these conspiracy theories. Yes, I've written a program. You did? Or did AI? Me. 100% me. I would never trust AI to write software for me. Because, as I suspected, it's controlled by big tech, right? No, I'm just no good at writing those prompts, you know?
Write a program that does such and such. I just always seem to get bad pictures of cats in hockey uniforms. Never mind about your personal fetishes, Dick. We have callers on the line. Get to the point. Well, based on my experience in the agency, I developed what I call the Conspiracy Reconciliation Algorithmic Processor. It can take seemingly incompatible scenarios and integrate them into one rock-solid conspiracy theory you'll be proud to type in all caps in any comment section.
I've also added in a dramatic voice to read the answers. Talk is cheap, Dick. At least that's what they tell me every time I ask for a raise around here. So, let's put your theory about your theory program to the test with our first caller. Caller number one, you're up. What's your question? At least that's what they tell me every time I have a razor around here. Am I on? Turn your radio down, caller. Better yet, smash it into a million pieces.
Now, what's your question? Yes, I wanted to know, can your guest tell us more about those cats? And the more details, the better. Good grief, goodbye, good luck. Caller number two, you're up. And you'd better have a question about conspiracy theories. I most certainly do, Jess. Go ahead. There's a theory out there that has strong circumstantial evidence that 297 years were added to the calendar sometime before 1000 AD.
But another one with equally strong, poorly documented evidence says many past centuries are shorter than we've been told. Those can't both be true, can they? Great question, Caller! Dirk, what does your mumbo-jumbotron say about those two ideas? Lots of time added versus taken away. I fed that in while you were talking, and the program has already reconciled it. And you claim you have a dramatic voice that reads the answers. Time to use it! Oh, right.
This all began in 623 A.D. on a small tidal island off the northeast coast of England. It was there and then that master calendar maker Cuthbert of Lindensfarn began to tire of plying his trade. His calendar work was universally praised for its orderly sequence of days, presented in handy wall or tabletop format. Yet Cuthbert longed to travel, perhaps as far as Bebbanberg.
He set himself to the task of creating a so-called perpetual calendar, one he could distribute to his legion of followers and then enjoy a life of leisure off his immense calendar-making earnings. Unfortunately, while Cuthbert was excellent at calendar-making, it seems he wasn't as good at his maths. His perpetual calendar was short by several weeks.
Of course, most people soon noticed. But Cuthbert was held in such high regard, the masses came to accept the fact that it snowed in midsummer, for surely it was the seasons, not Cuthbert's calendar, that was in error. But eventually, to avoid the remote possibility of ridicule being cast upon their noble profession, contemporary calendar makers decided action needed to be taken.
Meeting in the blistering heat of winter 664, they all agreed to begin removing random days from each year's calendar. By the year 1000, the calendar makers had finally caught up with where they needed to be. But in a nod to their hero, Cuthbert, they decided to add an extra day into the calendar every four years. It sounds like that completely, thoroughly, longly answers your question, caller. Yes, thank you very much. Now, about those cats... Goodbye, good luck!
Caller number three, you're up. And with my finger poised right above the disconnect button, what is your non-cat-related conspiracy theory question for our guest? Well, thank you, Jess. When it comes down to it, I think I'm more of a dog person anyway. In fact, I was just saying... Get on with it! Oh, right. Well, what I want to know is, Has your guest ever considered trying to generate images of dogs in sailor suits? Goodbye, good luck! That leaves us with time for just one more question.
And my producer, who's on thin ice right now, assures me it is about conspiracy theories. Caller number four, you're up. The world is listening. Make this good. What's your question about conspiracy theories? Thank you, Jess. I listen to your show all the time. And yet, I'll only listen to you right now. Good trade-off. Now, ask your question. Well, I want to know about the big one. The New World Order Theory. What the heck is that? And who exactly controls it?
I've heard that the Illuminati are behind it. Or the Freemasons. Or some other well-known, highly talked about secret society. Or that it's run by that certain rising economic power. You know the one I'm talking about. Or that existing economic power. I've heard people say it's run by the World Economic Forum, whatever the heck that is, or aliens. Or that it's controlled by that one religious group, or that other one, or by a group of evil billionaires, or even focus groups.
What exactly are they focusing on, Jess? World domination? I've read manifestos that were shorter and more entertaining. So, Dirk, what is the deal with the New World Order? Okay, that's all been entered in, and here's the answer. Who controls the New World Order? If you think you know what group is behind it, you're right. In fact, it's all of them, from the United Nations down to Girl Scout Troop 6394 and Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. It's quite inclusive.
In fact, if you've ever been in a group chat, you might already be a member. But hush, because here's the secret. We know what the New World Order actually is. It is alphanumeric. But in the New World Order, letters come before numbers. Pure chaos. There you have it. So now you can log off. Go outside and get some fresh air for crying out loud. End of line I knew it But what about groups of cats? I figure... Goodbye good luck.
Well, Dirk, that's all the time we have. If people want to get in touch with you, should they just write you at your email address? I am not who you're looking for at anonymizer.com. Dirk? Until next time. Oh, my producer is telling me there won't be a next time for this show. Fine. This is Jess Krazier, reminding you that you should always question everything. But then, just trust someone else to do the actual research for you. Goodbye, good luck!
That about wraps it up for this episode. But first, a very special shout-out to the folks who help Power comedy4cast, my Patreon patrons, including producer-level patrons Paul Barrie from the A Window to the Magic podcast, Kirby Bartlett Sloan from the 20 Megabyte Doctor Who podcast, Chuck Tomasi from the Technorama Podcast and Kyle Nishioka You too can support comedy4cast and get episodes before everyone else for as little as $2 a
month Just search for comedy4cast all one word with the number 4 on Patreon.com or simply click on the link on the comedy4cast homepage In this episode, the parts of Dirk and Caller No. 2 were played by Nathan Alvord Additional voices, script, and original music by me, Clinton Alvord. Copyright 2026. All rights reserved. Talk to you again next time. But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye-bye.