BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Good evening, welcome everybody here at the Wellman Social Club in Llagevne! I'm Keira Pritchard-McLean. I'm a stand-up comedian. I'm a local girl. So five years ago, I moved back here to Unisworn, where I grew up. And this has got me thinking about family. I mean of course moving back to Wales has. That is what Welsh girls do when they want to start a family.
We move back to Wales. We're like salmon in that respect. You move back to Wales, you marry the least threatening man, you know. pop out some kids grow into your leggings that's the Welsh way do you know what for a really long time I thought that maybe marriage and a family has not been the right thing for me so probably since my late teens i've had all this swirling around my mind you know i love kids i love family i don't know if i want a family i
Don't know if I want a biological family. I don't know if I can meet all the terms and conditions of being a mam. Now my partner Dan is the first thing in the world that has ever made me feel anything close to Broody. He's just really special. He's got like magic in his bones. And I just look at him and I think, well, I want you to carry on forever.
Oh, that's very nice, yeah. But then I remember about all the piles and stuff like that, and I'm like... Now, in the first lockdown, Dana and I were sat there. We listened to the radio, and an advert comes on the radio, and it says, Do you live on Anismon? Yes, that is where I live. Do you have a spare bedroom? I don't want to brag, guys. Things are going alright. I mean, I'm doing a Radio 4 special in a working men's club. I've got a spare bedroom. I've got a spare bedroom.
Then the advert says, have you ever imagined having children in your future? Yes. Have you ever considered becoming a foster carer? No, we've never considered that. And then it said, if you want more information, please get in contact. And I turned to Dan and I said, Listen, I know we have spoken about maybe somewhere far down the line adopting, but what do you think? And he said to me, honestly, I think you're the first person a radio advert has ever worked on.
Now how do you get more information? with local authority fostering is you just phone the council and say Can I have a kid, please? Same number as the bins, that's not right, is it? So I phoned them up, got through to a woman who's really helpful. She said, okay, well, it's a very long process, but the first thing you need to do is a call.
It's called Skills to Foster. It'll give you all the information you need. Do you want to sign up for it? And we were like, yeah, okay, let's do it. And she goes, okay, great. Any more questions? And I said, oh, one. yeah but it's just a bit embarrassing
And she went, okay, recycling's on a Wednesday in big bins every other week. Now, this course, right, it also taught me what fostering was. I thought maybe it was the same thing as adoption. And now I understand that, you know, if you adopt a child, your rights, your responsibilities... are exactly the same as if you have that child biologically fostering is sometimes referred to as being a professional parent It's a job!
It's like your jobs, you know, you get paid for it, you have to do regular training, and if you refer to your colleagues as needy little bastards, you will get a red warning. Now there's also different types of fostering I didn't realise, so there's long term. And this is where a young person will come to you and providing there's no breakdown in that relationship.
they will be with you for the whole of their childhood and now i found out it's so good they don't just boot kids out when they get to 18 anymore it's much more like being in a biological family so the young person can stay there till they're ready to move on. Till their mid-40s, obviously. Like the rest of us. And then there's another one, which is short-term fostering. And short-term is anything up to two years.
So I was talking about all my girlfriends and straight away one of my mates who's one of those speaking as a mothers. She said speaking as a mother and an empath. Yeah, she's not an empath. She's just got a lot of candles. She said, I couldn't do it. I couldn't cope. You know, I would care too much. I would love them too much. Couldn't cope with the goodbyes. And you know what? I think that must be a very difficult part of it.
But I think, you know, you would have to remind yourself it's an honour to play any role in these young people's lives. for any amount of time. You just have to treasure it when it does happen. You know, like free parking at Christmas. Now, there's another category called respite. Respite is where they'll take the young person from anything from a couple of hours. to a couple of weeks, and they're basically like sort of floating babysitters.
Now the final category is emergency. An emergency is where you will be sat at home one night, your phone will go, it'll be a call from a withheld number, you will answer it, and a social worker will say, I've got a young person here who's incredibly traumatised, incredibly distressed we have to put them somewhere safe tonight we know you have a spare bed we'll bring them over now that's it in that moment life changes
And further proof, nothing good comes from answering a withheld number. So, they did this exercise with us on the course. They showed me So perfectly what it was like to think like a foster carer, like a professional parent.
they give you a made-up case study and they say okay you've got like an eight-year-old boy who lives with his mom and his dad and his uncle now next door is a retired teacher the kid goes over and plays in the garden and the retired teacher and one day says i don't want to go home Somebody did something inappropriate to me and now I'm scared to go to sleep. Heartbreaking.
Obviously the retired teacher knows the protocol, tells the authorities the young person is removed from the home while an investigation is carried out. That child arrives at your door. What is the first thing you do? That is what they asked us. That's what I'm going to be asking you. I'm going to say what the social worker said, which is there's no wrong answers.
Just like her, I don't mean it, obviously. I promise if you do shout anything out, it will not be the daftest thing I've heard. I've already had that from a woman in a show. I said, what's the first thing you do? And she very confidently said, Take them to Alton Towers. Yeah, that's what a distressed eight-year-old needs. The nemesis, you mad witch. No! So, people just rang Evan E. Kid arrives at the door. What's the first thing you would do?
Shut up. Oh, you over there with your arm up. What would you do? Feed it. Feed it. Feed it. Very modern, not using pronouns. I absolutely love it. Do you know what? That's really similar to what my partner Dan and I said. Because you can tell by looking, food is very much a love language in my house. It makes you feel safe and comforted, right? That isn't what they were looking for. I'll tell you the correct answer. is your Get School uniform.
Which straight away, Dan and I were like, why would you get school uniform? But when you think about it, it makes perfect sense. In that moment, that young person's life is all over the shop. They don't know what's going on. So where is somewhere with routine that's familiar, with friends, with grown-ups that know them really well, who hopefully in this day and age are trauma-informed school?
So you get them uniform so they can keep going to school or hang on to a bit of something that makes them feel like them. And as soon as they said that, well, 98% of my brain just clicked and was like, I get it. I get how you think like a professional parent. And obviously 2% was like, Oh, I'll let him have a day off. You get a day for snow. So we finish this course and there's a call about a week later.
from a social worker who said, you know, do we put you off? Have you got any questions? And Dan and I said, do you know what? Weirdly, the more we found out about it, the more it felt like it might exactly be what family looks like for us. So what would come next? And she says, okay, well, you would start the process.
Now there's three main parts to it. It does take a long time. The first thing we need to do before you even start is get you a DBS, a background check. So we'll send off for that. But what we'll do is we'll start you on the first stage, which is training. And then hopefully the DBS comes back and you can just hit the ground running. We did loads and loads of training which means we met loads and loads of social workers.
I hadn't really met social workers before that. I didn't really know anything about them.
only what I'd seen in the papers. Now, what I will say about social workers in this country is you can tell when they've been on a course because they have a new icebreaker exercise they want to try out. And they will... baffling things and they're so excited to do it every time this woman was like good morning everybody hello my name is Janet hiya today I'll be teaching about working with birth families yeah so what we do normally is we'd introduce ourselves
And then we say how we're feeling about the course, but that's a bit boring, isn't it? So what we'll do now is we'll introduce ourselves and we'll say how we're feeling. but as if it were a car. A few confused faces now. Don't worry, I'll go first. It'll be really obvious after that, okay? Right, so my name is Janet, and today I'm feeling... Like a VW polo. Yeah, cos I'm zipping everywhere, getting everything done, but I'm not making a fuss, am I?
Who wants to go next? No one, Janet. Now I think I know what she's trying to do with the exercise, she just hasn't quite nailed it and I hate that pause when they say, who wants to go next, so I just jump in. So I said, okay, yeah, I'll go next. So my name is Kiri. How am I feeling today? It's an early morning course, isn't it? I'm feeling like an older car. I'm feeling like the kind of car that needs a manual choke on a cold morning. So Janet goes, very good.
We all understand. We did not all understand. First guy goes, I'd be so confident. Yeah, I'll go next. My name is Kev. I would be a BMW X5 because I've always wanted one. It's not Make-A-Wish Foundation, Kev. The penultimate woman, I genuinely still think about her to this day because it felt like a cry for help. She's very shy, so she's like, oh, is it? It's my goat next, isn't it? Sorry, it's public speaking. Hello, my name is Sally, and I don't drive.
We did so much training. Some of the training is mandatory. We did a course. in first aid. The woman running a course was absolutely fantastic, but I will say, never anyone normal who runs these courses, is it? No one's ever done a first aid course and thought, I could spend more time with that person. I will say the biggest thing she taught us was, and the biggest lifesaver, is CPR.
Now, when you learn CPR, they give you dolls to practice on. So you get like the severed torso of a woman. Like, that's perfectly normal. And then they give you, for paediatric first aid, a doll. Now, she starts handing the babies out to the people in the room. Has she dressed the babies differently? Yes. Has she given them all names? Yes. Am I going to see a Channel 4 documentary about her? I think so. Am I going to ask to do the voiceover? Absolutely. So she starts handing the babies out.
And a really beautiful thing happened. She handed them out to everyone else on the course. They would take the babies and without realizing they were doing it, they would start rubbing these dolls' backs and rocking them and soothing them. And that's when I realized in that moment, everybody in that room except Dan and I was already a foster carer, renewing their first aid. And it came so naturally to them. Whatever kid is in their vicinity to just...
soothe them and make them feel safe and held. I just thought it was a really beautiful thing. So we're all doing our CPR exercises and the woman running the call said, okay, it's time to put the babies to bed. She said, it's nearly mummy time. Never found out what mummy time was. I feel like you need a tarp down for it. So me and Dan have been working with this little baby and I watched Dan walk over to the baby and he's a big boy, Dan. He's well over six foot.
and he bends down ever so carefully and he gets two of his fingers and he jams it into the doll's mouth and then just drags it across the floor behind him. Banging the back of a calf like a full pack of Teske from the corner shop. He gets over to the other babies who've been neatly stacked up. I have to watch him overarm it. Watch all pile of other babies. Because it landed on the top and it didn't fall off.
He did like an air punch as he walks away. So we did all this training, then we get a call from a social worker who says, okay, your DBS has come back. Background checks, all perfect.
And she goes, well, you're on to the next stage now, which is assessment. So in this stage, we'll be honest with you, if you're going to drop out, this is where it's most likely to happen. We pair you up with a very experienced social worker who's going to ask you lots of questions about your life and assess your suitability as a local authority foster care. We're like, yeah, fine. Can't see the problem. So we started the assessment. Now, Dan and I were interviewed.
As a couple, for over 60 hours as part of this assessment. And we were interviewed separately as well. They interviewed our friends. They interviewed our family. They checked our bank statements. They came to our house, they wrote profiles on our pets. I was like, he's a good boy, back off. There's not one part of our life that wasn't absolutely rifle through and then something written down on a form about it was incredibly intrusive. And it absolutely should be.
Shouldn't it because if you're asking to be a foster carer you're already asking young people to come in your life who for whatever reason The adults around them haven't been able to meet their needs. You want to put them in the safest place you can. Do you know what? They ask us all sorts of things. One of the things they ask me is, what is your educational attainment?
I was like, oh, God, OK, well, I've got 2-1 in contemporary theatre practice from the University of Salford. Yeah, well, I checked the form later. He'd written N-A. I was like, that's not all right. And we've been doing this for months and months being interviewed and one day he says, I've asked you a lot of questions. Are there any questions that you've got for me? Dan straight away says, yeah. I'm terrified.
I'm going to be the thing that stops Kiri and I having a family because I've got no experience with children. The social worker was so kind in that moment of vulnerability. he says i don't want you to worry obviously this is a disadvantage it could be amazing he says lots of people who come to fostering they come because they've had their own children who've moved on he said that's brilliant and they've got loads of experience
but loads of experience in parenting their children brilliantly. He said, that's great, but it doesn't work for every young person. So sometimes we have to unteach them things and teach them new things. He said, but you, you're a blank canvas. So we just train you up, give you all the training. So you're always doing best practice, which is brilliant. That's what we want for our foster carers. And then he said, also, I've been talking to you for months now.
You're a fantastic gentleman, and any young person would be absolutely blessed to have a man like you in their life. I know. I was like, can I have a compliment, please? I said, you know what I'm worried about? The fact that I'm a stand-up comedian. I worry that people are not gonna see it as being conducive.
being a foster carer and also this is quite uncomfortable to say but i've been really lucky with stand-up i've got to do stuff on the radio even tally and sometimes there's a bit of horrible word fame that comes with that that we might need to negotiate and he went i wouldn't worry about the fame side of things
So the social ecosystem turns around and says, you know what, the thing I am worried about you is your name. Now you live in a very small area, you have a very distinct name, and sometimes we might need to place a young person with you who needs a bit of anonymity. or you might need a bit of anonymity from their situation. Neither are you going to be protected. I said, you know what? I hadn't even thought about that. I tell you what, I'll use my middle name, Louise.
Sorry if there's any in. There won't be. They don't like comedy. I said I'll do Louise. And he went, I'll be honest, the surnames are as much of a problem as the first name. I said, well, you know what, Dan and I, we're going to get married eventually. Why don't I use his surname and then Louise? Then my name's completely different and less distinct. He went, brilliant.
Yeah, okay, that was all I was worried about. I would like to recommend that you go forward to the final stage, which is panel. This is where you will be interviewed by a group of experts. We're talking about foster carers, ex-foster carers, social workers, ex-social workers, people who've grown up. foster carers they're going to interview you and assess your suitability to be local authority foster carers do you want to go forward with it and we were like yeah we do judges houses let's do this
So we get the date for panel and it's so full on. Three reasons why. Number one, by this point, we knew this is what we wanted our family to look like. We really wanted this. And number two, we decided very early on in the process, Dan and I, that if at any point the social workers, the experts, came around and said, we don't think this is the right thing for you, we decided we weren't going to have a family at all. Because it feels so churlish to ask these experts.
Do you think we're the right people to nurture young people? And they say, no. And then I'm just like, I'll just go and squat my own out then, don't mind me. And the third reason it's so scary is because how it works a panelist, they interview you for about 20 minutes, they go away and discuss what you've said for about 10. And then they come back.
And they tell you there and then if you've been approved. So we're sat there knowing in half an hour's time our life is going to change. But we didn't expect for it to go the way it did. So because this is still COVID times, this is happening. It's on Zoom. So there's 15 people there, but we only ever see four people on this screen. Number one is the social worker who's been interviewing us all this time. Number two is the head of fostering and our local authority. Number three...
Is Janet the VW polo? Don't worry, she's okay. The fourth person is a 78-year-old local vicar. So we sat there waiting for the Zoom call to start. And then they suddenly appear on the screen, all four of them, and the vicar starts speaking. Good afternoon, Diamond Kitty! Thank you very much for joining us! I've got a few questions for you!
I've got to start with you, please, Dan. Now, Dan, you are an actor. So what happens now if you place a young person with you? You're sat at home one night watching the television. and all of a sudden you appear on the screen how to explain that to a child And Dan said, well, firstly, it's been a dry few years. But if that happened, I would explain to that young person that, you know, when we watch the telly or we go to the cinema, you know how some people's job is
is to pretend to be someone else. That's my job. But I want you to know that when I am here with you, I'm only ever done. I'm never pretending. And the vicar said, Very good. Diane! And he wrote something down. And he says, Kitty, I would love to ask you a question. I said, yes, please do. He said, I've always wanted to ask a stand-up comedian this. I said, okay. He says, is everything you say on stage real? Is it all true or is it all just made up? I said, what a good question.
So he decides if I get a kid or not. So I said, you know what? With me, I'm not clever enough to make it up. I just have to tell you what is happening in my life. But what I will do sometimes is I'll maybe change the name or where it happened or if something really... When it happens to my auntie, I'll say it happened to my mum because I can get more jokes out of it on stage. And he says, oh, okay, so you lie for a living. What? From Avecca?
I said no, I don't lie for a living. I'm just trying to explain to you there's a difference between a documentary and a theatrical representation. He said yes, well I've been online and seen your... Comedy. So what happens? We place a young person with you and their birth family goes online and sees what you've chosen to talk about for a living and says, well, my child is not safe with a woman like that.
remove my child from her care. What'd you say to that? And I was so sideswiped. I wasn't expecting this. I tried to be clever at first. I went, Sorry, are you asking me how I would negotiate someone being ignorant enough to make a moral judgment on me based on what I speak about on stage? Is that what you're asking me? And he went, yes.
I said, okay, just checking. And then Dan squeezes my leg, but he can't say anything, it's my question to answer. And then I say the one thing you are not meant to say at panel. I said, I don't know how to answer this question. Can I just have the next question? I've got no idea. I'd ask a social worker. I don't know. He said, interesting. And he wrote something down. Then he says to me, tell me, would you make fun of the children on stage like you make fun of everything else?
I said, no, I wouldn't make fun of the children. Of course not. He said, well, you have to bear with me a minute. And he started sharing his screen. I don't know if you've ever seen a 78-year-old vicar. successfully share a scream. Truly the miracle the Bible doesn't cover in that respect. Now he gets up a review of mine from a very old show. It was a show about I was volunteering with a young person. True story.
In the time I was volunteering with them, I realised they were being groomed by a member of staff where I volunteered. I obviously reported it. The relationship ended, but so did my relationship with that young person. They didn't really forgive me for it. So he gets up this review and he says, There's me thinking you wouldn't make fun of the children. And I was humiliated. But it was four stars from The Guardian.
so you're telling me the guardian are lying I said no no I'm not I'm telling you that that journalist came to a theatrical representation of A true story where I changed geography, names, genders, absolutely every identifying feature of everyone in the story so I could tell the truth of the story but protect everybody in it. And you know what? I worked really hard on that and actually I wouldn't change anything. And he said, well, I think I've heard enough and they disappear from the screen.
And I'm sat there and my eyes are full of tears. And Dan squeezes my leg and I was like, don't be kind to me because I'll go. He said, I'm so sorry about that. That wasn't okay. I was like, no, it wasn't okay. Because you got loose women and I got Frost v. Nixon. And Dan was like, do you know what? I'm just going to pop us on mute for a second. and i remember this so clearly i turned to dan and i said i'm so sorry
I'm the reason that we're not going to have a family. He says, no, we're not going to talk about that. We've just got to get through this 10 minutes and then we get to leave and carry on with our lives. But we didn't have 10 minutes. They came back in three minutes. And the vicar appears on the screen and he goes, well, thank you very much for your time, Dan and Kiri. Congratulations and welcome to the fostering team. And I went, are you kidding me? And he went, you're on mute.
I'm mutting myself and I said why did you ask me all those horrible questions and he said we never get to ask questions like that He said, no, listen, listen. We've never had a situation like this before. We had to ask you some very tough questions. And every time we asked you a tough question, you turned around and you said, I don't know. I'd ask a social worker.
That's what we needed from you, because we think you're going to be fantastic foster carers, but only if you understand there's a team around you to support you in being fantastic foster carers. So congratulations and welcome to the team, Dan and Kiri, or should I say Louise? Thank you. When is the wedding? I was like, don't tout for business. So nearly four years ago now, Dan and I were approved as local authority foster carers. Now I will say that...
My version of motherhood, which is what this is, has come with terms and conditions. So number one is I can't tell the kids that I'm a comedian. Now the social workers are obsessed with the idea that what if the kids see on TikTok? I had to explain to them that my sort of fat feminist comedy, not on the algorithm of a 17 year old boy, is it?
Now, the other thing is I can't use my name with the young people. And do you know what? Dan is brilliant at always calling me. He's Louise, Louise, Louise. But it happened for the first time just a little while ago, right? So he's making a brew for a young lad that's with us. And he goes, do you want a cup of tea, Kiri? I was- Who stood there?
Frozen and I could hear this weird noise. I realised I was the noise. I was going... I could hear another weird noise. It's Danny's going... The poor kid's looking at us like, what have I been left with for the weekend? Too deflated. Adults, what's this? I had to turn around and yell at Dan. How dare you call me your ex-girlfriend's name? Now the other condition is that I am banned from talking about it on stage.
That's so hard. You know, when you're a stand-up comedian and your job is to talk about your life and what happens to you, and you cannot talk about the biggest thing that has ever happened to you. You can't help but be transformed in some way by the young people that we are privileged enough to meet. so i wrote a show in secret and i phoned my social worker up and i said listen i know i'm not allowed to talk about it but can i show you
how I would talk about it if I could. And she said, okay, and booked the venue. Langeveny Town Council offices. Wednesday, three o'clock in the afternoon, boardroom four. I have done some tough gigs in my time. I've done a screw fix Christmas party. And they sat in that boardroom and they watched that show and they said, okay, we understand what you mean now.
And they got behind the show. And just like every other encounter I've had with them as a foster carer, they have been behind me 100%. And I'm really proud to be the only comedian in the world doing a show for Radio 4 signed off. by nine social workers and a vicar.
the only thing that has ever kept me hanging on to the idea that maybe a biological nuclear family is the right thing for me it's Dan because he's so magical and I just worry like where's the magic gonna go But when I see him, I'm going to cry because I've raised this bit for the show and he's in here and I'll get really emotional.
but when i see him teaching a teenage boy to cook or getting beaten on mario by a 12 year old girl i am watching that magic carry on and i have realized that you do not need a biological nuclear family to have magic. 100,000 young people in the night kingdom at the moment who are living in foster care. And foster care is a falling in numbers. And that is one of the reasons why I'm doing this show. I want you, if you are listening to this,
think maybe it's the right thing for you maybe you've got some magic in your life and that can go somewhere to help these amazing young people if you want more information call the council is the same number as the bins tough crowd was written and performed by kirri pritchard mcclain the executive was susie grant and the producer was tashi rada it was a listen production for
Strong message here from BBC Radio 4. I'm Amanda Iannucci. And I'm Helen Lewis. A comedy writer and a journalist teaming up like a pair of unkempt and unlikely superheroes. is to decipher political language stress testing to destruction and abused buzzwords and phrases. Finding out what they
They're meant to deceive us. Or to distract us. Or to disturb us. And our pledge is to help you spot the tricks of a verbal trait. But be warned, this series does feature strong political language that some listeners may find an inverted pyramid of politics. Radio 4. Listen now on BBC...