S Comedy Central Podcast. Thank you, Friends. Well, you' re quite right, but we' re not here to discuss this. Good for those of you who know me about previous monologues in central comics, well. I made a monologue about 15 meters. He disappeared 15 meters and showed up We can do it. I made a monologue about the Palmar de Troya and the Palmar de Troya is beginning to disappear. I made a monologue about hope
ire and only resigned bad luck. Now I' m going to make a monologue about the universe, so, if the apocalypse comes, I' ve been worth it I don' t make you bieis, no, because that ' s what he was telling me. Guys, let' s talk about this. I have been pursuing the political class, the bankers, the parish priests for many years, pursuing the economic and social system that destroys us.
But I have discovered that this is the path of hatred, that I do not want to be a slave to hatred, because there is a system above that which has been destroying us for millions of years, which is the Solar system. I openly declare myself an anti- solar system. Why do I have to accept arbitrary laws like the law of gravity, which I have not voted for. Hey, rooms in here tonight, your back hurts because of
that damn law and you friends who hang your breasts. I' m with you, I' m sorry, but we' re going to repeal the law of gravity and we can fuck seriously. Zero you imagine, they give you a dick and they bring you home. It' s wonderful. That ' s the one I really mean not. The other day I was seeing the Universe, because it' s watching it. I can afford it. I don' t have a terrace and I smoke joints. That section is
something I can do. Not that you look at the universe and it' s how it' s gonna make me feel insignificant about a nigger, that is, it' s something that happens. Uh, and I' m staring at the universe. I mean, my mother, if this is manga per shoulder, one star, here the other, since there is no criterion. You know you say that stars change color, that there' s a little museum in the background, like Christmas decorations, you fucking see a joy. But that' s a mess, I mean. But now there are
people who claim that that makes sense. Not, for example, astronomers and astrologers. It is necessary to differentiate astronomer from astrologer, for example, astronomy studies the physionomy of the Universe. Okay astronomer was, for example, Galileo. Galilei knew that he said that the earth was round and that it revolved around the sun through its gravitational fields. And everyone knows that' s a
lie. What drives the world is insex money and drugs. I mean, Galileo, you don' t know no and an astrologer, because they would be Rappel and Sandro Rey and those other millenarian cockatoos who are dedicated to stealing from the illiterates of this country. Okay That' s the difference. Mainly, the first astrologers in history were Arabs, so we live under the aesthetic dictatorship of Isis, which tells you that right there in the North Star and
its eggs that is the North Star. I want to choose I' m making a change org so that the North Star is the South Star that catches me closer to home. What' s up, I can' t, I can' t. The direct heirs of the first Arab astronomers and astrologers are the hippies of rural houses, those who catch you by band and tell
you sometimes from there. That' s what hassiopeado Ves, which has the form of Cassiopeia, and that' s Andromeda, which has the shape of Andromeda Ves and that' s the frying pan and the cart over there. We also call it the big bear and the little bear. I say asshole, you don' t even know the way it is and you go into age details, you know what you' re telling me. I can play that, too. I can also create my own cosmogony. I can create my own universe. We have to put together the dots. It' s
very simple. I' ll take the stars. So, another, over here, another, over here, another, over here the dick of uranus. I did it with my hands. The problem is that we are enduring that aesthetic dictatorship of the universe and, in addition, we are enduring the moral dictatorship of the universe that forces us to be one way or another.
According to our horoscope sign, by which if you are an aquarium, you are creative and empathetic and you fuck, even if you are working in an assembly chain and are discovering you in the face, you are creative and impact. And that' s how it ended. It' s eyeball with those horoscope geeks. Those people you' re at the disco and they' re coming up to you like hello. What do I know? You' re not even the name. Not even the name I am. I' m an aquarium, ah, it' s an aquarium, oh, how strong.
I' m Gemini. We' re super compatible. Let' s fuck come on anyway. If you have a veneer, you know, blow the stars protect him. You know that? Is that so? Is that so? It' s like human stupidity travels through the universe as it climbs into the orion cart. You know it' s practically not then. The theme of horoscopes. The theme of horoscopes. Personally, I have begun to reinterpret it, because I too can create my own horoscope and I have the
final one. I know what each person is like according to what he asks for from a lid horoscope bar, who from here is anchovy raise your hand those who are anchovy that is anchoite, good people, the anchovies. Very salty, very salty. But in the internal forum, a bunch of shit.
Hey, famous things. Hey, someone who' s potato, brava, potato, brava, I love potato brava, simple people, people who go face- to- face, uh, people who are willing to share always, but if you don' t throw sauce at three- paired insuls. Someone who' s San Gwin, seen this bloodthirsty, seen, no, man you can see in your eyes. Hey, the Sangwin, you see, he' s a guy who combines you with everything, with coke,
with coffee, with the cubata in the morning in the afternoon. When you don' t feel like being with a sangir seen at any time, but then they give it to you with cheese very carefully with them. Hey, object. I' m octopus. You know how we are octopus, not cartilageous, tender, but our hand goes. What are the differences between an octopus and me, because I don' t have to be a sucker to cook me You see, I go just for that, friends, we live in deception and we live in panic. We' re scared, we
' re scared all the time. We' re afraid the end will come. We' re afraid extraterrestrials will come to destroy us. And they came, but they said pussy. If they go alone you know they don' t need to. We' re not obsessed. They don' t say there' s smart life out there There' s smart life in here. This is what worries me. I don' t give a shit about intelligence,
man. I' d like you to be dumber than us, that is, to come out Minister of Defense and say well, we' ve had an extraterrestrial contact and the truth is that aliens have let us down deeply. They' re moronic, but I mean, they' re waving at you like that. That' s why lake is and we champions, champions that roll. You understand that stuff mainly not, but of course I don ' t give a shit about that extraterrestrial The titles that have the master'
s degrees as smart as they are. What worries me is less I can fuck because I' m tired of being bisexual. I want to try new formulas. You know seven tits, five dicks in the shoulder. A bifido bear asshole is having weird sons like Zapatero' s daughters. You know kids with two heads. That' s good, you have to feed two mouths,
but it' s a stomach. Alone. You know, at most you spend it on salt caps What I want to say to you is that a Martian world wants to go to a puti clú and that there are Vulcan sluts, you know, and that they' re there Imanol arias and haganovee cutting ham with a sword. Laser there that looks like churruscadito. You know, that' s my extraterrestrial fantasy. That' s what I want to
the awesome. We' re not afraid of space in general, but it ' s our fourth, because you know, you know that the planet can destroy us, uh, because we' re afraid that tectonic plates, when they rub, don' t make love. You know, we' re afraid of earthquakes and we' re afraid of tidal waves, that I don ' t understand that tidal waves kill a lot of people whatever you want, but what movies we do, my mother, at last they ate it with the servians, things how they are, I' ve seen the impossible.
They' re going to do the second part is going to be called the next and the third part I' m going to sweep because I don' t see the shit that leaves the movie. That' s the one you signed up for. Not that. We' re scared, guys, we ' re completely freaked out. We are afraid that machines, this is incredible, that machines develop superior artificial intelligence and are smarter than us. Don' t worry about me. They can never be just as stupid as we are.
We' ll always beat them there, unless the machines do stupid things. Medium machines are normal, that is, I know chairs you roll with pedals. That' s what I' m for, what do I know? Yo, what do I know? That' s why? Friends, as we are afraid of all this. It seems that on Earth we have designed a plan for when we destroy the planet, because we are going to destroy it, because we have to keep selling motorcycles, which is a shame, because the planet is fine, has WiFi and the weather is good,
but you see that it is not good enough for us. So what we ' ve said is that we' re going to Mars, that since there ' s no one is ours, that' s how you occupy the universe. No, then we' re going to Mars, we' re going to Mars, and that' s what we' ve decided. But I don' t want us to be prepared. I don' t see what you guys consider. I don' t think we' re ready to go to Mars. Notice that NASA sent a crew there and they came in and
said this is the atmosphere that' s inspiring. Oh, I don' t even know what Kim means to smoke or we' ll learn to breathe. That' s true. It' s just that we' re obsessed with oxygen. We have an addiction because we' re addicted to oxygen, like everybody else does. It' s free, so am I, uh, and come breathe like no one else' s. Eh now if we ' re not going to Mars anywhere. The other day, my grandfather was
in the hospital with the mask swelling up. Uh, well, I took the mask off one of those muddy ways and I' m grandma if you ' re not gonna get over it. That' s right, that' s right. What vice do the truth hide from us? Guys, are you hiding the truth from us? There' s life on Mars. That ' s something you' ve never been told, but that I know when Mars arrived, they found in a crater of Mars a woman from Cuenca attached to the crater, dressed in the garter singing the jack of the universe,
which says so and this is the jack of the universe. He sang it to you in prose. There in verse and you' re the jack jack of the cosmos for what we were and what you' re about, and you' re the jack jack of that turn Marta and pluton, which used to be a planet and now it' s all a jerk. The amazing.
The amazing thing is this really happened. The lady was glued to the crater and the astronate was floating in gravity h the son of the So how can it be that you do not affect the gravity son, already man, the tradition that weighs a lot hahaja. Thanks, let' s do the octopus a little good, folks. In any case, in any case, there is hope. Okay, don' t lose faith because there' s hope. They say three billion light years from here, because space travels in
light year. Don' t tell me because uh, I think it' s because it' s very repetitive that I' ve seen a piece of the universe. Seen all that means, the Universe is like Murcia. Not that you appreciate the tunnel. You know we can say that the Universe is a Murcia gif. Hey, we can say something like that. No. Then the journey of anger is in light year that the light year, because you already know that you can not travel at the speed of light with a
photo of your children that says Dad do not run. It' s very difficult and you can' t get ahead of the light because you can' t put the flashers on it. But the one- way trip is in light year and the one back is in shadow year. It' s clear no, that' s a year in prison that' s said to be a shadow is a year in prison, the prison that' s a black hole. Why. Because there are temporary space phases, space is reduced and time becomes longer, unless it is barcenas then you get out earlier. It
' s a little how it works. Not so, three billion light years away, boys, there' s a galaxy called Alpha Centauri, which has three soles ole and your sea cock three soles. There' s the batium on the floor You know the electrics There' s no way they do business. You say I' m going to sunbathe and say what an hour of sun on an Alfa Centauri beach, uh, three alone at beach time. That' s a dog year. At least it' s cool. Plus, all Afters, all Afters to three suns. Of course, the Valencians
go there head- on. You know, they love that. I love it, because that' s what I' m telling you. Alpha, Centauri Alpha comes from the Latin Alpha and Centauri comes from the Latin of a hundred Toritos. What it means is that three billion light years from here there are St Fermines, so there is wine, so there is life. Hey, so just relax. Hey, there' s a lot of people worried, very concerned about the origin of the universe, who was a creator, it was a big band. I don' t give a shit. The
origin of the mega universe blows. What concerns me is the origin of citizens. Hey, that' s what I' m worried about. To see the truth, honestly good. We' re talking origins. I' m going to talk about mine It' s worth me several years ago before I was funny, about ten years ago I devoted a lot of time from my life to the noble art of work and I was working in Barcelona. I ' ve been in Madrid for ten years. I got to Madrid, I
flipped, I asked for a cane. I can' t say. He asks me for a cane and they put me on a dish with shrimp. I don' t fuck around. I have not asked for this effect, in Barcelona, at most they put you a napkin za. They tell me no, it' s not free, I don' t fuck. I called Catalonia. I' m telling you, it' s true that they steal our money and spend it on prawns, motherfuckers. Of course, well, this is an anecdote that happened to me. It' s really why
I left my previous job It' s worth something that really happened. At that time I worked in customs, import and export of goods. And one day he calls my boss and tells me that our most important client, an Argentine gentleman, brings his dog worth on a plane and I have to go and greet the dog with honors, with the municipal orchestra and two Basques dancing him. The aurresque is worth it I' m serious I' m telling
you, it' s totally true. At that moment I am ready to get to where the dog is and I see that the dog has arrived, but that does not participate in its existence what they call it in the world of aviation to arrive in plan Kennedy goes for the others. Come on, the dog' s dead. Or Vito' s worth caputo and calls my boss I say Albert, albert A dos is mort in Castellano. Alberto Alberto, the dog has died something my boss tells me can' t be me. I go near the dog and I apologize, but my boss says this
isn' t going. The dead dog. He didn' t answer me straight alive. I wasn' t going to understand myself either Alberto or this dog has a very serious empathy problem. Or he' s dead and my boss tells me do what you have to do. I say very well, I' ll throw the dance of life around the box and the dog will be resurrected. I' m sorry, but I can' t do anything. I mean, look, I give you 24 hours, and I, uh, well, I don' t care if you give me a week. There' s nothing to do. He tells me to give you six
hundred euros. I' m good there. We started talking. Then at that moment I went to what is the State Security Corps in Customs to the customs police I go near them and I say sorry you will not have a German pastor of these that you have that suits you very well with the ka here. Hey, that he' s been fooled about smelling dope, that doesn' t distinguish MDMA from Hachis anymore, that already for a total thing
that the guy tells me please get out of here immediately. I don' t know what the hell you think this is I totally get out of there saying maemia. I' m totally messing with it. No, and on the way out to a partner, a co- driver, he comes up and tells me what you want a dog. This is Spain, guys, uh, I mean yes, yes, yes, I' m totally interested I get money destined to blackmail officials uy bad. I' m telling you
this, maybe I' m in trouble It' s easy. They gave me money to blackmail officials, but I did what made my clients steal to keep the money from blackmail, which we now call the People' s Party. It' s okay for you to understand me to see I' m
the germ of all that. It has been me, it has been me, it is worth forgiving, done, thank you, for total forgiveness, because at that moment we took out a dog, a German shepherd who perhaps were not identical because I did not measure the armhole of the dead dog either I could not or perhaps. This one was from Cologne and the other one was from Berlin. Whatever' s not total, I take out the dead dog and shove the dog alive, because if you leave it inside, the
same thing will throw it away. That' s necrophophilia. It' s not even on the Internet. You know, it' s totally complicated that the dead dog gets dumped in a trash can. I give you a dignified burial that you already wanted, the victim of Francoism. Hey, thanks, you' d like it and I' ll leave the dog alive It' s okay here, it' s strong. The next day the client comes and I, saying look I' m a crack, doesn' t reach the client and gets close to the box. And when he approaches the dog
' s box, the dog starts barking. I' m telling you, another Argentine with surprise cocaine. But when he gets to the box, the man reaches his hand around his heavy neck and starts screaming, screaming and angry. But what did the dog come dead, quiet, be at bust pace a prefererate. I know it' s hard? I know it' s hard. The man had brought his dead dog from Argentina to bury him in
the garden of his house. So far everything normal doesn' t know what ' s going on, that it' s illegal for a dead dog to travel if it' s not for food and this isn' t China, or it' s for tashidermia and a German pastor and to be careful of the dining room, that is, but some asshole like me, for a little bit more money, skipped the laws for that dog to travel. And then I, for a little more money, skipped the laws to get that dog out. And this, my friends, is a metaphor for capitalism.
Thank you very much. And finally, as the Great Peter Reyes said, the universe is infinite, but a little narrow. Thank you very much and good night.