Vimla | 00:02
Hello, and welcome to Coaching Confidential, a podcast hosted by ICF certified professional coaches, Lisa DiMatteo and myself, Vimla Gulabani. In this podcast, we bring you inside a real live unscripted coaching session. And at the end of the coaching session, you hear from the client about the impact of the coaching. And you hear about the skills that the coach used in this episode, we are continuing our team from the last time and, uh, Lisa is gonna share more.
Lisa | 00:30
Yeah. So in episode 14, we are staying with the format of chatting with coaches. We are talking with coaches to understand a little bit about what it's like for them as a coach in their life. Maybe a little bit about what their life was like before and after becoming a coach. And in this particular episode, we're talking with another co coach Edwin Vega in this conversation with Edwin, we circle around several themes. One is a theme that we talked about in episode 13 with Terry. And that is how you handle situations in everyday conversation. When somebody that you're talking with believes that you might be coaching them. But really you're just having a conversation. We talk about how Edwin feels like he's kind of always been a coach or at least been very coach. Like we talk about his approach to coaching with his clients and we learn that it's not actually that different from his approach to life in general,
Vimla | 01:37
You know, hearing about what the conversation is, is already warming my heart.
Lisa | 01:42
Oh, I'm glad to hear it. I really enjoyed having the conversation and we kind of go all over the place, but hopefully you take away a sense of one really amazing person's point of view on life as a coach.
Vimla | 01:54
Yeah. Just a note for our listeners. As you start listening, Lisa introduces the topic to Edwin and then they go right into it. Enjoy
Lisa | 02:07
As coaches. We have coach like conversations in our personal lives, or maybe they're not even coach like conversations, but there are, are attributes to the way we be as a human in our relationships that might lead someone opposite us or someone we're in relationship with who isn't a coach to think that we're coaching with them. But we're like, no, like you can't be coached without permission. Like, like we're like as coaches we know, um, that is impossible. So we're thinking about the topic of what is it like to be a coach having maybe we've embodied some of these qualities. Maybe we already had them, maybe that's why we became a coach, right? Because we're already like naturally curious in asking lots of questions, but what is that like in our personal life? That's
Edwin | 02:56
Cool. I think people in my life just kind of naturally accept how I show up, which is very much coach embodied. And it's actually really helpful in relationships, you know, not to have to give advice and say like, well, what do you think you need to do? It's a coach question, but it's great to have it as a friend, cuz I'm not gonna give them advice. You know, that kind of thing.
Lisa | 03:14
Yeah. So where would you like to start with that?
Edwin | 03:17
My first job was as a tutor. I went to the Milton Hershey school, which is a boarding school that's funded by the Hershey chocolate company. So it's pretty cool. 51% of the proceeds go to the boarding school. So already part of like a, a era of philanthropy and I love giving back, but my first job was as a tutor and I was 12 years old. And I remember thinking like I was tutoring people who were older than me. And I remember thinking like, this is a little weird, like I'm helping someone who's older. I don't know what they're doing, but I knew I was making them feel better. So for me, my life as a coach, I do think part of my purpose is to really help people suffer less. You know, I realize we as humans kind of are the drivers of our own suffering. So since a young age, just by my presence, by my smile, my laugh, my genuine love for other people, it's helped lessen suffering in others. So even from a young age, I've been able to like tap into that, which is kind of cool thinking about now being a coach,
Lisa | 04:11
I love that help people suffer less. Would you say that that is your why for coaching?
Edwin | 04:17
It is kind of, I mean, you know, when I think of like the lens of what I'm here to do, it's like to teach to learn and then most importantly to love, like those are the three things. Cause even I have a teaching degree. So even as a, with a teaching degree, I always felt like I was learning and the experience, you know, so, and in the experiences where I was the student, the teachers would let me teach them, you know? So there's always this reciprocal kind of relationship in teaching. So for me, my focus around teaching learning, and then above all things like loving and that just has a lot of clarity to how I've kind of walked in life.
Lisa | 04:53
Yeah. It occurs to me that, and this is just my viewpoint on, on things I'd love to hear yours that learning and loving are inherent in the coaching session.
Edwin | 05:10
Lisa | 05:59
Yeah. That's beautiful. I, I know many excellent coaches who, um, think the same and, and really put that at the front. I'm thinking it's a catalyst.
Edwin | 06:11
Well, no, there, I think it is interesting. Right? Cause I think what we're really saying is like, I believe in you, I'm gonna stretch you. I want the best for you. I want the best for this relationship. Um, at your lowest, I wanna embrace you and support you at your lowest. I want you to embrace and support yourself. Um, I wanna dream into your dreams. I wanna support your dreams. Like, and when we think about it, I think when we feel that essence of love, even familial love, there is a thing of safety in feeling like you could just be yourself. And I feel like that's what I think of love. And when we think of love and coaching and I even corporate wise, I, I feel like I love all my clients. Um, and sometimes our moments where we say we love them. Like it is just in innate, pure blissful, simple thing that just comes into the relationship and it feels right.
Lisa | 07:03
Yeah. I love that. It's it's not so much the love, but what the love is saying.
Edwin | 07:08
Oh yeah, for sure.
Lisa | 07:10
Edwin | 07:53
Well, thinking of love, like I think hopefully someone's first love is familial love. Like they're getting, being born into this world that they can feel safety from their parents or their support system. And that sets up a base of needs, you know? So I think coaching is the same thing of like, what is that base? That foundation, if they can feel it, the minute that they connect with us, that's the thing that life strive for, like right away.
Lisa | 08:18
Yeah. And if they do that actually makes all the other things that happen possible really quickly,
Edwin | 08:32
Edwin | 09:12
And we're just kind of exploring it. And I said, if you wanna really coach let's have time outside of that. I'm not gonna coach her at a bar. Um, and she connected after we became coaching client. But what was really interesting too, down the road, like maybe 10 months in, I was feeling like, oh, I don't know if they're getting anything out of this. And I actually just asked her, I was like, are you getting something out of this? And she said, you know, it's helpful to connect with someone who cares about me and is listening to me and just letting me be, and that was a big lesson for me not to get into the weeds about what the client is getting and try to figure it out the value. It was like, wow, this is what she needs. So how can I just keep showing up and being there? And of course adding a structure of like a focus, what she wants to get out of the session, but it actually helped me to focus on the more important thing, which was that love between us in terms of coaching client to support her.
Lisa | 10:07
Yeah. That's a beautiful story. I, and I think that in some ways, at least the moment where somebody says, oh,
Edwin | 10:17
Lisa | 10:18
I've had a coach,
Edwin | 10:19
Lisa | 10:27
Yeah. Yeah. Like it's kind of like a dubiousness or in, like you said, indicative of another moment that they've had in time.
Edwin | 10:37
Yeah. Are you trying to get me or trying to change me? There is something that can click that way. And I think what's happened is like in my life, I think people just have always experienced me in general of like being very coach-like. I, listen, I put the focus on them. So in my life it's been really easy to blend in all these things. It doesn't feel like a big gap for me to, instead of giving advice, ask someone a question. So people in my life don't get triggered and of course I'm making sure I'm truly not coaching them. So there is a tension there that I try to kind of keep activated.
Lisa | 11:08
Lisa | 11:38
Edwin | 12:23
Wow. Well first let me just receive that and say, thank you is like, whoa, um, don't wanna gloss over that. Which could be a, a default that I could go to. I just think that's like the essence of truly coming together, you know, like even think about coaching client, can you come together and feel like, wow, that time went by so fast or, wow. The focus was on me as a client, but I feel so connected to you, you know, there is this magical thing and like, yes, I do this for my profession, but how do we actually get to do that in our day to day interactions? Can we look at the cashier at a grocery store and look him in the eyes and ask him, how is he doing in this moment? Yeah. You know, and just appreciate every person. I think I've had a lot of practice.
Edwin | 13:06
Lisa | 13:50
Yeah. Seeing other and letting them know that we're seeing them by how we be when we are with them or how we arrive with them. Yeah.
Edwin | 14:02
And you do it immediately in coaching, you have the opportunity right away. Like we're here to coach, but I'm more here to be with you.
Lisa | 14:12
Yeah.
Edwin | 14:12
And can you send that message and every other way that you're communicating, whether it's an email, a thoughtful text or in the session from the very beginning, I think that's important.
Lisa | 14:25
Yeah. And I can see with out a lot of data for sure, but I can see how elements of who you be as Edwin, the human in this world, um, lend themselves to this process.
Edwin | 14:42
Mm mm. It makes me think like, I think I always wanna feel welcome going somewhere. So obviously I project that back to myself. How do I make others feel welcome? And so I think coaching's about that like right away. How do you make someone feel super welcome in an easy, authentic way. And then that allows me then too, to build a lot of leverage around like what I can push the client on what I can challenge them on. Um, how I can be very direct, cuz it comes with warm cuddles in some form or way of through my words and my, uh, environment that I try to create.
Lisa | 15:13
Yeah. Your point about like if you approach somebody generously, it is like setting the table. If you approach somebody in a less than generous way, then you don't really have a lot on the table to work with. Like it's a bear table.
Edwin | 15:31
You may not even take them to the table if I'm gonna feed off of your metaphor. You know? I mean, I, I do think that's really important cuz I think what I got, what, from what you were saying is like maybe the way we show up as humans and coach don't have to be different in the way that we be more about like how do we apply it on the doing side, in a coaching, session's gonna look a certain way. And then when I'm with my family, it's gonna look a certain way. But me the, the foundation of where I've sourced that from stays the same. And I think unfortunately as humans, we feel like we have to keep constantly changing and maybe I'm trying to shift the focus of just, oh, I'm just changing the way I'm applying it or expressing it so that the foundation doesn't have to keep changing.
Lisa | 16:12
Edwin | 16:21
Lisa | 16:45
Edwin | 17:22
You know,
Lisa | 17:23
Edwin | 17:54
Lisa | 18:56
Yeah. I love that. And as I listen to you, I'm realizing sort of the crux to the difficulty that I find sometimes in this space, what you just described is being an intentional relationship. But to me anyways, right. And that's something that I've really, uh, the pandemic period has really turned me on to the idea of like how I wanna be intentional in my relationships of all sorts. Right. What is the intention that I have? And what does it actually look like in the actual system of the relationship?
Edwin | 19:29
Like a real deal on the ground aspect of that relationship?
Lisa | 19:33
Edwin | 20:03
Mm.
Lisa | 20:04
And so like when you say, and, and here are the two phrases that I was thinking about when you were talking like, like I really wanna be a good friend to you right now. Like how can I be a good friend right now? I really want to like, I'm tempted to give advice, but I, I get that that might not be what's wanted or needed right now. And, and that sounds different in the coaching space. Like how can I be a good coach? Might sound like setting the agenda for the topic or really asking the client what they wanna take away from a session and a million other things. And I've had this experience, I've asked somebody a question I've been brought that curiosity that you talk about and maybe other the person on the other side, doesn't have an answer to the question and that can trigger someone or shake them up sometimes. And like, you can get agitated cuz I, I actually, and I've had this, I've been this person, what do you need right now, Lisa? Well, that's a pretty generous question. It's abundant to be on the other end of that question.
Edwin | 21:07
Or what if you don't even want to think about what you need cuz you're so pissed off, you know, that could be, that could be the thing too. So that's the last question I needed
Lisa | 21:16
Edwin | 22:10
And then five years down the road, we have patterns that are already there. So then imagine you do have an awakening, you become a coach, you're embodying all this coach stuff. And then that could be jarring to that five years of patterns. Versus I love that. You talk about intentional, like imagine someone does get triggered. Why are you coaching me? You might add a time outside of that conversation say, Hey, I am actually bringing different language cuz I'm a changed person. Here's my, how I might be. I might be asking more questions. I'm not coaching you. I can show you what coaching really is. But actually being intentional about designing that in the relationship. So the people come along with you. Yeah. There's a bit of a gap. You're somewhere else. You've moved away from some of the patterns of the relationship. See where they wanna meet you, that new road that you'll create create together. That has a little bit of both. So that it's less jarring. I think that's that whole teach, learn love for me is like, oh I have to teach people how to treat me how I'm gonna be treating them. I have to learn how it's going. Oh, I need to adjust. And then ultimately can I always be doing it from a foundation of love in the middle of all of that?
Lisa | 23:15
Edwin | 23:36
Or can I show you what those features are without even naming them? Can you be the difference that, can you be the aspects of that new iOS, um, without needing to brag about it enroll or, you know, convince just, just be, that might be the thing that just sends more messages that gets people on board in ways without even needing to try quote unquote.
Lisa | 23:58
Yeah. Yeah. That's really beautiful. Is there anything else that you wanna add or
Edwin | 24:04
No, I love this conversation. I think it is just, it is been expansive from the very beginning, even before we hit the record button. And so I think that just is proves like, oh, that means we're in some zone that zone of empowering relationship, uh, even having met less than an hour ago. Um, and I, and I think my hope too, I think that drives me as a coach is that we can do that with everyone, every single person, a four year old, a homeless person on the street who may be asking for money that you don't want to give cashier at a store. It's just like there's every moment is the opportunity to make someone else like the perfect partner for you.
Lisa | 24:42
Yeah.
Edwin | 24:43
You just meet the moment, you know,
Lisa | 24:46
I love that we can be expansive with everyone,
Edwin | 24:49
Everyone.
Lisa | 24:49
Yeah. It's also a bit proactive.
Edwin | 24:52
Lisa | 25:16
Yeah. And it's just so very human
Edwin | 25:18
Well, and also can then I then do that to myself cuz we tend to be hard on ourselves. So then if I'm willing to only see the only the amazingness in other people, let me do that first at home. Yeah. Let me take care of that business first, you know?
Lisa | 25:32
Edwin | 25:43
Uh, let's see. Um, I'm committed to supporting people. I love children. I love impacting lives of children and the people that work with children. I, uh, I work as a leadership development coach, uh, one on one and in groups I also teach teacher staff and community members at schools, how to coach children to improve executive function skills. So to me that seems like, oh, let's, let's help the younger generations to, uh, live from a more empowered mindset to find strategies and get into action and have accountability. So I love that work as well. And I also believe in scholarship, I head up CTI scholarship program that they now have given over $300,000 in the past year to increase representation in the classroom. Not only for, um, who gets coach, but who gets access to coaching. And that's really important for me. And um, yeah, that's probably the best way to talk about it. And the best way to find me is like I'm LinkedIn to connect, talk and um, see what it can be.
Lisa | 26:45
Excellent. So it's Edwin E D w I N V E G a Vega.
Edwin | 26:50
Yeah.
Lisa | 26:51
A most lovely individual. Ah
Edwin | 26:55
Lisa | 26:58
Yeah. And I wanna tech on one more quick question, is there one thing, body of work, client issue, challenge, cause that you would like to put a special, like I want, like I want this thing to come to me, I'm seeking this right now.
Edwin | 27:23
Lisa | 28:02
Yeah, yeah. In the context of the elder parents. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Tender territory
Edwin | 28:09
Tender for sure. But important. Um, and definitely brings in the cyclical aspect of life, you know, so bigger things, you know, which I love, cuz it's not about me wanting a new phone or where am I gonna live or what this or that it's like, oh, relationship, which is funny, cuz that's what, that was our entry point, the doorway of coaching relationship. And I feel like everything's always about relationship when we talk about love. I don't normally think about only by myself, love self-love yes. Is key foundational important, but I always feel like it's always about being in relationship with others. So I think that's important.
Lisa | 28:46
Beautiful. Well, thank you for sharing that. Edwin
Vimla | 28:53
Lisa, that was a beautiful conversation, very warm in some ways. How was your experience having that conversation
Lisa | 29:02
First? Let me tell you how I felt because that's much more present for me chatting with Edwin. I felt warm inspiration. It was so easy to chat with him. There's probably a lot of reasons why that is. But the first one that occurs to me is he was so deeply in his essence. Like he was so genuinely being who he is. And I think it's really easy to be with folks who are in that space.
Vimla | 29:37
Yes you're so, so right. You know, at one point Edwin also talked about one of his values being enthusiasm. I think that came across so much in the conversation. He was very enthusiastic. He was very present. Yeah.
Lisa | 29:53
And it's making me actually now recall the feeling of it again I'm so like thinking about how I felt talking with Edwin and that enthusiasm felt energizing. Yeah. I can only imagine what it feels like for his clients. Yeah. You know how that enthusiasm might show up maybe as energizing for clients and how empowering that might be.
Vimla | 30:16
Yeah. And that energy can take the clients in all different places. That's so powerful. So let's shift gears and talk a little bit about what was being revealed in the conversation. So I think I heard that once someone becomes a coach, like once non coaches, we like as we go through training and become a coach, what it really does to us is it enables us to be who we are at the deeper levels in today's conversation. Edwin was talking about his values of teach, learn, love that were always with him that became more and more present as he became a coach. He became more of who he always was and who he intentionally wanted to be.
Lisa | 31:05
Yeah. And I have so much respect for that. It actually inspires me to be in my essence. Yeah. I really think it's such a beautiful asset as a coach, which is, I guess part of Edwin's essence is what he was saying.
Vimla | 31:22
Yes, absolutely true. So Lisa, let's revisit why we were doing this a few episodes ago. We talked about, you know, how, when we become a coach, sometimes it has, um, impact on our relationships, the relationship patterns change, and that can be confusing in our relationships. So connecting the dots here, if we are becoming more of who we are at a deeper level, does that mean that our relationships are going to become more deeper and more authentic?
Lisa | 32:00
Vimla | 33:10
Yeah. It's fascinating.
Lisa | 33:12
What I loved about this conversation with Edwin was the simplicity of his, why, you know, it's just an expression of his true essence, which has always been, and as he really owns that essence and lets it be what it is, he can be much more deeply in relationship. He can be deeply in relationship with anybody around him, but in particular his clients.
Vimla | 33:48
Yes. Yes. That's so, so very true. And I also want to acknowledge, uh, what you and Edwin talked about towards the end that, you know, when we become a coach, um, you use the metaphor of an updated iOS. So it's an opportunity to tell the people we are in a relationship with on how to use this new iOS. What are the features, what are the changes, how you may have changed as a person and uh, how the relationship is changing.
Lisa | 34:23
Vimla | 35:09
Lisa | 35:16
Vimla | 35:23
Lisa | 35:31
Yeah. So what's that gonna be? Episode number 15?
Vimla | 35:35
Yes. 15.
Lisa | 35:36
Wow. So in episode 15, we are going to talk with another coach whose name is Howard, and we will explore what it's like for him to be a coach who is married to another coach. Wow. So, um, just another twist on what it's like to be a coach.
Vimla | 35:56
Yes. So I guess two operating systems get updated at the same time and the two are different and then what happens? Yeah. We find out
Lisa | 36:05
Vimla | 36:21
Yes. All right. So until next time.