Parts Talk Presents: Old Parts (Episode 4)

should we start now? Oh, you've been recording the whole time. Hello, viewers, this is Parts Talk with me, Doctor Nancy Pitts O B. G Y N and Classic Belaware Lady. How's my week been? Well? My husband Patrick got an air friar, so you tell me now. He's there frying everything. I mean, I had fried miso soup the other day. You want their soup

to be crunchy? Okay, that's just tofu this man. I gotta give him poised to entertain himself like the air friar, otherwise he'll be barking up my tree for you know what. Qu A l I T y Tim Quality Time The other day He was asking me to go on a nature walk with him, and I says, Patrick, why don't you just jack off into the toilet like the other husband's okay, we're better get get drunk and sleep on the lazy boys like a real man. All the men in my family fell asleep in chairs. It's just what

you do. It's not his faulty as board. He's my ass husband, or as I guess they call him now, a himbo. But he wasn't always an unemployed you know, you sto own an edible soap store, and he went on Shark's tank. Thought he was going to be a millionaire, but then he ended up boofing all all over Laura grand Year or whatever her name is. Does biff mean Barford? Doesn't mean fart? Why are you barkst on her? So since then I've retired my husband because I said, just

do what he liked to do at home. He's been really needi lately, so I took him to breakfast over the weekend, which brings me do Biden spotty? Does anyone know if the Biden granddaughters waitress at Perkins? I thought I saw one of them there. You know, they're beautiful girls, the granddaughters beautiful saw them at the inauguration. They look like an ad for the King of Prussia. Mall. I mean, I was impressed they got James Ens. Let me tell

you bike. You know, we had to leave the Perkins before it could get and good look at the waitress because Patrick brought our dog Amtrack and Amtrak was barking like there was a dupot chemical fire. I mean, I swear to God, it's our fault. It's our fault. We got Amtrak from the same breeder that the Bidens got their last dog. You remember Major, Yeah, the one that was a threat to national security. This dog tried to take the old guy out and now jos All went

around like he slipped in the shower. It's not good for the country the dog Major. And I can say this because I'm an abgyn. The dog was undercooked. Okay, that's what you get for going to a breeder. The DNA is too close together. Maybe we should just do to Amtrak what the White House did a Major. I mean, they sent Major to a farm. And you can't see on the podcast, but I'm doing air quotes when I talk about send them to a farm, and good Witance.

You know, I hope they killed him. I really do. Anyway, talking about my husband, and I guess my dog brings us to the real meat and potatoes of the episode. Today's topic is bobbing years six. Unfortunately, old people have sex too. And when my mom went into her assistant living facility, I mean the clap spread like wildfire crotch,

so much clap. I thought when am I at a production of Hamilton and I wish I was because I saw a tour of Hamilton and Philly a couple of years ago, and my best girlfriend, her name's also Nancy. Oh my god, it was amazing. They got George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, they're all rapping. I mean they never would have done that. They didn't even have rap back then. It is so creative. And the other thing is all these Founding Fathers. They're black in the musical. I guess what,

guys in real life they were actually white. It really makes you think, It really makes you think. And also the songs are real good. Anyway, speaking of my mother having sex, I go visit her on Mother's Day and I'm giving out penicillin like greeting cards. Okay, this woman She says to me, this woman, this woman, and I'm talking about the woman who brought me into this world, my dear mother. She tells me, oh, Nancy, guess what,

I got a boyfriend. And she keeps telling me her boyfriend is her first love, which is write to my pop. Okay, she said to me the other day, she says, your father never could satisfy me like I care. My dad paid for my college and he scared the shit out of all of my boyfriends. As far as I'm concerned, he did his duty. His husband, Well, what are you gonna do? She's eighty and she's hornier than my Marcus

when he goes to his sister volleyball games. Relax, he's staring at her friends, not his sister, although you know I wouldn't put it past him. She's got a body on her. And I can say that because she's my daughter. And Aaron, if you're listening, enjoy a while, alass, because he got my same hair, of my same pitts, and

I know where that shit goes south. All that's to say, my horny mother really inspired today's episode, which brings us to our first segment, Tips for old people who want to have sex, even though when we think about it it makes us want to spew. Sex is always weird, but exactly how weird it is changes as we get older. You get older, your joints are stiff, you can't move like he used to. The penis is less out than paying a little more wet noodle, and of course in

menopause there's all sorts of dryness that occurs. Now, I'm only forty two, but God took away my period as a reward for bringing so many of his children into the world, and as a result, I've got the early pause. And let me tell you, I love it. I'm boiling hot about once an hour, but I am about tampons about four years. So let's go through some of our top tips for the elderly who want to get it on. Tip number one, poys are your friends as you get older,

your dexterity lessons. You know how it's taking you a little extra time to button that button, Well, you don't want that to mean you can't press her button. See next Chris miss or Easter. Ask your grandkids to buy you a vibrator and yeah, it also works as a back passager. Tip number two, lots of things are sex. Sex doesn't mean in outcome. Sex can be cuddling, watching porn, edging side by side, diddle aka mutual masturbation, or maybe you just buck parts until one of youse gets tired.

The point is, don't think of sex as a failure if it's not what we traditionally think of as sex. Yeah, you want to know what My idea of an orgasm is a cleanhouse and I get in a solid couple of episodes of yellow Stones before I pass out. Best case scenario, no one touches me. Tip number three bring reinforcements. The mind baby willing, but the body she's got some

catching up to do. That's where science comes in. Last Christmas, I went to Kinkos and had a hundred copies of Viagra prescriptions made, and I'm just passing those out of the retirement home like Candy and lou Blue Blue. Step number five talk about sex. Whether you've got a hot nursing home boy boy hook up, or it's your huband

the fifty years, The hottest sex is communicative sex. And it might go a little something like this, stimulate my PRUSHTYEP, you're what my BRUSHTYEP, you're a right by prusty girl up state. No finger in the butt. Okay, I'm growing like that. Oh okay, Miracle alert, miracle alert. This is very important medical information for the public. The older you are, the more difficult conception is. However, miracles do happen and

they are gross. Don't let this be you. I had a fifty eight year old comment my unit pregnant, and I've got sweats to say this, but the baby came out old. Okay, Benjamin Button style. But only difference is I don't think this one's coming out looking like Brad Pitt in forty years. I think that they're gonna look more like those dance and raisins you know that come on before the movie plays, even though I think those raisins are racist. Now, okay, okay, let's get into some questions.

I'm really excited about this Q and A about sex and any age because we got a lot of questions because I guess old people aren't afraid to write letters. Pulled on one second, Oh God, he's calling me. It's just Patrick. Okay, I'll call him later. Say. Our first question comes from Hoho kessin haughty? Who kessin haughty? Says I'm danged the man in his seventies and want to know will I be charged with murder if I fuck my partner to death? I need an answer very quickly.

Please help me. Okay, well, then cassin hatty if you want my honest opinion, there's a lot worse ways to go. Might as well go out having a good time. Also, it sounds like you do need to call him nine one one right now, so you know, stop listening to the podcast and go do that question number two ski Boomer. Ski Boomer says, I was ski in the Pocono Poconess. Nice, I was ski in a few weeks ago, and I hurt myself real bad. Do you recommend any fun sex positions for someone with a bad back and a bad

knee and a new hip and a bad shoulder. And also I get busy when I stand up too fast? Do I have any fun sex positions for you? No? Take a hint. God doesn't want you to. You know. I had knee surgery a few years ago and went on bedrust for six weeks. Patrick, God bless him. He tries to get on top of me as delicately as possible, but it just made it worse. I made him sit on the floor while I diddled myself. Think about John Legend finishing about forty eight seconds. Oh, speak at the devil. Okay,

he's calling me again. Ignore stop calling me. I am at work, all right. This next question, Anomalous says, what should I do if I accidentally mix up my VIAGRAA with my morning vitamins and I have to go to work with a Rocky Balboa in my pants. This is funny that they asked this because this actually happens to my Patrick all the time, and I usually tell him

to stop at the Duncans. You know, get a couple of boxes of donuts, your sprinkle classics, your jelly fills, your corollers, maybe a seasonal one, and then carried around the office all day, you know, pretending like you're doing something nice and giving out free donuts, but really like the box is kind of covering your pecker, if you know what I mean. Plus, people are much more forgiving of an accidental bone or when they got a mouthful of cruller. Jesus's text to me, are you at work? No,

I'm getting my asshole bleached. I'm always at work. Okay. Next question, Anonymous says, I can't find my penis. Where did it go? Oh God? This happens to Patrick Doo And it's actually a very real condition called buried penis, And don't worry. It's super uncommon. It just means he got a lot of foreskin or a lot of ball sack. What try rolling it down sort of like a popsicle, you know, the wrapper, and just dig around in there.

Don't worry, your penis don't disappear. Okay, We've got another question from anonymous and I'm missending in a lot of questions, says my partner only wants to have sex if we turn on an episode of yellow Stones at full volume while we're doing it. Is this normal? Okay? You know what these questions are all from? Patrick? What the heck is he doing? Let me give him a call. Patrick. You know, if I had known that, it would have taken me twenty questions. I'm playing twenty questions with these

over here on the phone. Patrick, I pulled us. I was at work and I'm recording my radio show podcast Nance. I know the day to day, Okay, I'm putting together your schedule. I'm looking at Google Cow. I'm basically your assistant at this point, I just come home. Okay, Nance, I'm missus Patrick. I am looking at the cow right now. Yeah, what's it's down the cow? What's it's and the cow? NaN's take a close d do a close read to

the cow. Okay, And that's gonna be a mea culpo on Nance's part because I am seeing that it's our anniversary. It's our anniversary. I feel so bad at our anniversary. And that's why you've been paxt then that's why I've been texting. I'm not trying to make you feel any type of way, but I just but but I'm just saying, this is the big this is the ghost tour anniversary. This is the first date was the ghost tour and Bethany Beach. Oh my god, now you're taking me back. Okay, folks.

So Patrick and I, as you know, we met at ud that's University at the Delaware and uh yeah, on our first date, he took me on a ghost tour of Bethany Beach. But um, because Bethany Beach is actually such a Christian town, it was a pretty boring ghost tour is a boring ghost tour, and they said everyone's gone to heaven. You're not going to see the ghosts here because you know they don't believe in the purgatory

or some such. We go, you know, we Christian ghost tour, Okay, And I'm really excited because I'm thinking, Oh, I'm with this guy, Patrick, my husband currently. Back then, when we you know, we were we were young, and uh, you know, Patrick, I hope I'm not speaking out of school. You do with a little different back then, Yeah, I had I had, I had the gutters. Yeah, and I had a I mean, I mean Trice tricep And I remember telling my mom about shoes and being like, I met this guy. I

think he's the one. He's got gutters. Then I had midlife scoliosis spine kind of you knows say that. Yeah, that was terrible. And he had a herniated disk and he was on bed rest for six months. I had to hire a nanny for him. And this is the thing. Nance can do nothing to help me. Nancy's like, I'm I don't I don't go down there. I'm on the other side of the body. You know, it's not I don't do the back stuff. I don't do the back

stuff at all. And always asking me to do the back, and you tell me that you look to look from the front. I like to do it from the front. I think if you're married, you should do it from the front. Nancy, you didn't even put me in the damn stirrups. All I wanted was like one little ride

on the stirrups. He wouldn't even do that for me, you know, I you know this is actually I'm getting upset because I'm reminiscent a little too hard, and it's just a lot of it's just a lot of moments where you weren't there for me, Nance and I'm older. You're cooking. I'm cooking meals for you with the air fryer every day. Patrick. How many times I have to tell you this, Okay, I'm there for you financially. Here's paying for that air friar? Okay, Who's panned for Marcus's

hockey go equipment? Who's paying for Aaron's uggs? Okay? Nancy is so yeah, your role is the air friar. Your role is taking care of the dogs. You kind of make the house a home while I'm out, you know, bringing babies into the world and a pan or mortgage. That's it. That's tale. Is all this time. Patrick, Okay, I understand, I understand and listen. I don't have no qualms about the gender roles being what they are. I knowed you then you're very well Patrick. I always say

that about you. I always send it to the nurses on my unit. I say, you know, say what you want a boy, my husband, Patrick piece extremely wet well pray twenty twelve. We'll say you would even say worked because I because I you know, my You've I've undiagnosed what's it called? What's it called when you can't sleep? I'm not the medical expert. You this is what it's called insomnia? Well, I don't know. I don't know the

word because I'm awake every freaking hour. Every waking hour for me is twenty four I've got I'm awake the whole time. No, so you're kind of a zombie. I'm zombie. Fine. Also, all I'm gonna say is, ever since you started to listen to a stair Perell girl, you're going, oh, oh, I'm the financial You know, you and I are financial partners. We're financial soul maids. I bankroll all your stuff at home. As long as you looks at the Google Californy, and I go, I don't want that nance. I want you

to look at my potential and grown hairs. I'm shaving with a single razor with a single blade down there, and you won't even look at my damns grow. Oh. Patrick, I'm sorry, I really am sorry. And I know and I know everything you do for me, and I do notice your ingram heres. I just don't want to say nothing about it because I don't want to embarrass you. But I do notice. And I love it when I get my aired Peeban jay in the morning and it's it's in the fridge with my Chinese chicken salad. I

love them. You do that, I really do. Do you like it when I air fried the lettuce? I like it when you air fried the lettuce. I like it when you air fried soup. I like it. What was that thing you meet the other day? It was like a vegan corn dog began corn dog with this sloppy joe filling. It wasn't a weener. Well, Patrick, I don't want to air out our dirty laundry on my radio podcast show, but um, I guess it's too late. Uh. I'll just be honest with you, you know, the successive parts.

Dog's really gone to my head, and I'm kind of looking in the mirror and I'm seeing myself differently, and I'm walking a little taller, and you know, maybe it's a classic case if I forgot the people who brought me here. Yeah, and I don't want you to think that your husband of nineteen years is one of the little people. Okay, and look, what's the topic this episode? Old people? The topic is elderly sex. Old people just

say old people. Okay, Well, I'm trying to make it pec but uh, you know, yeah, I mean it's old people slapping parts. But I don't really want to think about that with us, you know, like, yeah, you had your scolios, this whole thing, and you know, I tore a lot with Marcus and so that was a whole journey,

you know. But I guess I don't really want to think about us having sex from the world or really us having sex now, to be honest, I don't say that nance you and I watched and just like that together and he said, oh, fifties and you thirty, and you're not even there yet. You're not even fifty yet. We're both in our late forties. Over her love and life. I'm going crazy with the air Friar home, setting up the Google cow, putting trumpets in the cases for Marcus

and Aaron. We're raising two trumpets. What are we doing? Raising care trumpet? Okay, this is something that I need to talk about. Actually, I'm glad you brought this up. Patrick, Marcus starts playing the trumpet at eleven. Okay, that actually has a lot of sense. Boy playing trumpet, Boy play trumpet. Aaron at sixty, she's a sophomore in high school. She starts playing the trumpet. Okay, I part a daughter no matter what, but not everything needs to be supported. Nance

This is the thing. I don't think the podcast changed it. I think You've always been this person who's, you know, been a little hesitant to be there for people. That's why, that's why as you didn't know that this was our anniversary today, I kinda think it's almost like burthen Babies. Every single day. I feel like I'm there for people on the first day, most important day of their life, and then after that I kind of get a free pass.

And I'm realizing, Patrick, baby, that's a big issue for me. Yeah, and maybe we should get on us there, Parrel's podcast and exams that together dance. I think we're doing all the work here, no mediator needed. I think we can work this out right now on Parts Talk, and I think the listeners are really gonna love it. I think you're gonna get even more listeners. I'm looking at the analytics every week. I'm going, Wow, month over month of

growth is hockey sticks. Baby, you're looking at the analytics. He never tell me you're looking at my radio podcast analytics. I read podcast statistics for dommies in one sitting for you, Babe, Patrick, you are the wind beneath my wings. I just don't even know what you're doing. I mean, you're like, what's that thing? Like Jesus in the sand? I only saw one set of footprints. Babe, you're cheering me like Jesus saw at the beach. And I don't even know. It's

not my job to tell you. I'm just over here saying every day I want to try to recreate something with you. That's the same thing as me going, Hey, let's drive from Newark down to Bethany Beach. It's only two hours because we're not going to because we're leaving world early in the morning and it's date number one. And we went to a Christian ghost tour that was extremely short, fifteen minutes. And the whole time I was spoofing, I would get really spooked, so what could chop into

your arms? But the only time they had was eleven Aya and so it was bright daylight out kind of like midsommer before they did midsommer, you know, like scary daylight. But it wasn't even scary. It was it daylight. And then I'll never forget it turned to me at eleven fifteen when the ghost tour is over, and you said, let's go down to the floor walking get a cone from course, can I remember that cone? And you got oh cherry dip a cone and I got a chocolate

dip cone. Do you remember that? I remember that. I try to make a cherry joke. But I knew you were in school that you wanted to, you know, look at vaginas someday, and you know, I thought would be in poor taste. Yeah, But then I was eating that chocolate dip scone and I meet sure you saw all the play down light throat, because I said, this man's gotta know the skills that Nancy has. Oh my god, Patrick reminiscent about Bethany Beach is getting me a kind

of hot in my seat. Yeah. Yeah. And the funniest part is you and I didn't even do nothing until the seventh day. Well, no, because I'm a good Catholic girl. No, no, right, yeah, and you were going to respect me because I'm no whore. No, You're not a whore, I know, no, of course, no. No. I mean, like, this podcast is about sexual health, and this podcast is a no slut shaming zone. But I'll just say to slut shame myself, which I could never

because I'm no whore. You know you're not. There's no slut. I'm not a dirty girl. No, you're not doing any sort of auto slut shaming because you know you were never a whole Like on the first day. If I don't care about you is yeah, I'll sucking fuck anything. But when it comes to my husband, Patrick, yeah, I'm not sleeping with you until the seventh eighth day. You got to meet my father first, because you're my husband,

and I ain't a dirty girl. Now before yous, I was this and that and traps and all over town. As I know, you were as well, Patrick, because I had in my mind a couple of gals that I know around the University of the Dolaware campus that I knows he's what's fooling around with. But guess what a man's going to be A man's people don't know about my medical peculiarity there? Do they have you told anybody's what? What? What? What's wrong? What's what's wrong? Darling hippo, that's not I'm

I'm to disclose. I'm gonna say it disclosed, babe, disclose tell the people might asked deference a shot. I'm over here horny is hell every day waiting for my wife to come home. I'm horny, but I got nothing off. Okay. It's like when someone you know, making working class weightes want to be philanthropist, you know, don't really work out. But you're talking about your brother, talking about my brother, and I'm talking about my dick. Yeah, anytime I climax,

nothing comes out. It's what us in the medical community call a ghost nut. Yeah, it's a ghost super Patrick is Uh. He's as hot for me as a and basically all you know, I wear shorts around the house and he's at full mast and the kids and the dogs can see. I mean he doesn't care. No, there's no there's no like hazard or anything. No. I mean every time I hear the dog's bark and I'm like, oh, Patrick's walking around a full mast again. I know, I know, you know, and you know not to get too graphic.

But we hop and we pump, you know, once a month because we're married, and I made a vow, and we hop and we pump, and it gets to that magic moment and pumping. There's no final moment. Okay, you start to realize that the water fountain is out of order. Instead of an old faithful you're kind of getting just like a balloon that pomps. What's it feel like, Patrick, Because it looks like it's that feels good. I do feel the cartilage sort of move in a little bit.

Oh the blood's flowing, for sure. Yeah, it feels nice. But there's nothing, um, there's nothing coming out. And you know, it works out for us because there's no cleanup. There's no cleanup. And you know what I say, when this little problem came up, thank god, we had our two children, oh my god, before this came up, and our little miracles because imagine no and my vast deference not being functional. No more is I think God giving me a gift. It's a blessing because I bless the world with Sorry

Marcus Merit Hey, good God. Marcus and Aaron are two beautiful children, and the world needs two more trumpet plays. Are two little trumpet leaders. God, he know. I just s think about Marcus, her son at Powis sheets, at everything in this room, and honestly the base with absolutely covered in cold. Then Eric got she's had a bristed she was seven years old, because she's her mother's door. Then I just look at her and I think die.

And my daughter is that they might cost me. I just want you then, fine, blood the wrist, that's the one hive you. I am so happy he need. I want to die in your arms. I want to die. I want to I want someone to kill you while I'm bolding you. I didn't remember the last taking the note fock patch. That's how I want to go. Listen. No, no, no, not on our anniversary. We can't do this, baby. I've turned it over for a new week. I'm gonna renew

my vows right now. Let's renew our vows. Right now on the podcast house on parts Talk Okay, over the fat. It's exactly how we should be doing it, exactly. I'll go. I'll go first. Thank you, okay, I pinky promise too, never complain about the podcast growth, especially since I'm the one basically behind the scenes. Check in the megaphone dot fm site looking at the numbers every day. Don't my god, look at the Look at the line on this raft. It looks like a damn hockey stick. It's going up, up, up,

with a sharp upward turn. I promise to give you the space to succeed in this, in this space, in the digital podcast space. I promise to air Frau, a PB and J a Chinese chicken salad every morning waiting for you in the fridge. I promise to make sure Marcus don't have no ghost now when he grows up, and that Aaron keeps her huge, huge breasts proportional to her body size and wait for the rest of her life. She needs to get a reductionable support her that's what

she wants, if that's what she wants. But Patrick, that was so beautiful. Thank you Nan. Those were the most beautiful vows. Those were more beautiful than the vows that even did it our wedding day, and honestly don't really remember them because I was hammered. That was I, but not as beautiful as the way you looked at the Christian ghosts. Okay, let me think I were so beautiful that day? Was that beautiful you were? You were ravishing and beautiful. I'm gonna cry cry nice, I'm not. I

got it. I'm good. I'm good. I can't beat my Browns. Patrick, to you, my hubband, my house huband of nineteen years, Patrick Pitts. By the way, baby, thanks for taking my last name. I found to be more emotionally vulnerable and emotionally available, if not physically available, to you. To not let the massive success on my podcast parts talk, to go to my head and to remember my roots, my foundation, my core as OBGYN mother and wife and dog mom. And also I make the best sangria on our block.

You do you put Parson everyone's too afraid to put Parson. I vow dull apples. Sorry, I vow to jack you off at least once a week, penetration once a month for the rest of my life, until your boner does whatever it does. I don't know if the viewers really got this from the ghost nut part when we talked about that. But there is a release. The boner is there, and then the boner is gone. There is just no nut.

There's just no nut. And the reason it's called a ghost nut is partially I think I'm getting the etymology right is that it is possessed. Oh, I think, I do think. I think that the theory is all the medical professionals and my wife notwithstanding, say that I have

a ghost living in my penile connection. And my final vow to you, Patrick Pitts is that I will forever take a ghost tour of your ghost haunted penis for the rest of my life and never look at another man, whether he be Joe Biden or anybody in the Biden family who I secretly find extremely attractive, no matter the gender. Speaking of Joe, I got something waiting on the sons for you. You want me to play it? Give me a little sneak peek, babe, Alexa, play our special song

of your baby. Um Baby, I'm coming here right now. He's better be wet now, baby baby, I'm about to slip off this dang podcasting chair. I'm gonna go right now. Well fits. This has been Patrick Pitts, my Bolts schooldiosist, thought of a husband, father of my two kids. God, I love him. I'm gonna go home and write him until his dick falls off. Thank you so much for listening to Parks Podcast.