Hellone, and welcome back to another episode of Are You Their Dad? It's me Yoko, And to kick things off this week, we're going to spend this segment of They Should Have Known talking about the one, the only, the Bermuda Triangle. Now, for those of you who are dumb and don't know what that is, it's a triangle in Bermuda or around Bermuda that people just like randomly disappeared, like a lot of ships and a lot of planes have gone missing there. And here's the thing. Here's the thing.
It's like people just don't have on fine my friends because if you don't have fine my friends, then you'll die. And that's their fault. So all those people they died because of that. And I never turned my off, like I want all my friends to know where I am constantly. And you know what, my dad actually just turned his off for me recently, which is fine. I'm not mad about it, but it is weird because I just saw his other family's child, like, wait, what's that called Olivia?
What's that called half sister? I just saw my half sister's Instagram story and I saw her posting about how he took them to Disney World. Recently, which is fine. It's fine really, and every wanted to go and I've never wanted to go to Disneyland or Disney World. So it's fine that they're going without me. And it's fine that they're ready to tea cups and sharing a churro together.
It's fine that my house to share churro with her dad my dad while they watched fireworks and stay at the Polynesian which is on sale right now during the off season. That's fine. I didn't want that. I didn't want that for myself anyway, So it's fine. M oh yeah. But back to the Bermdia try and go. Yeah, so it's like, come on, people, just turn to find my friends on or just get to your hot their CRV and like turn on the GPS and get out of it. You know, it's like the don't die. So anyway, that's
they should have known. Okay, well, now we're onto the next portion of the podcast where we and by we, I mean you all because I'm very smart and I know everything we're about to talk about. We're gonna learn about a new topic and this is you should have known and how fitting that we're going to be talking to Professor Alan Grundell, who's the vice dean and former head of marine biology at Stanford University. Welcome, professor, thank you so much for having me. Thank you for that
lovely introduction. It's so so, so tremendous to be here with another fan of the ocean. Wow, that's so great. And just a quick correction. I am the vice Weistein. I'm the vistein to the Weisteine as it stands right now. Oh what, okay, so exactly I know this isn't your expertise, but what exactly does a vistein do well? I wouldn't know that. That's above my pay grade. I'm the vice deane to the vistein. So yeah, I don't really participate in those conversations at this time. So what do you do?
Anything that the visteine neat? A lot of it right now is we're trying to find some fish to study and look at, because well that's mostly my purview and my department is to find and study fish, and right now we're having a really hard time finding fish because the ocean, as you know, is relatively enormous. I mean, you can't even I can't. I'm trying to use my hands right now to show how big it is. But it's much much bigger than I can show you with
my hands. And the other really kooky thing about the ocean is it doesn't have any corners, so there's no way to really get the fish into a specific spot or get them into a corner. You gotta let them kind of come to you. And that's something that is one of the more difficult parts of getting an eyeball on these fish is because they kind of go wherever they want to. Oh wow, Okay, do you have a favorite fish? Wow? It's hard to choose out of the so many dozens of fish. I don't have a favorite
at fish. I think all fish are ruthless and I don't really side with any of them, but I respect all fish. Okay, So I have a question for you, m F. Mary kill a killer whale, a narwhale, and a hammerhead shark. Go. There is one ethical correct answer? I can you? Can you give me the three again? I'm sorry. I was in a bike accident today and I I'm having trouble remembering. Yeah, yeah, Stanford right, Um, Yes, a killer whale, a narwhale, and a hammerhead shark go.
I think if I had to have sex with one, it would probably be the killer whale. They're sort of the bad boys of the ocean, and I think I think they could really bring it Mary the narwhale. It's a stable, even tempered creature where I wouldn't like I said, I respect an orca, but I don't trust an orca, and then kill the hammerhead shark. Frankly, it's just it's a weird and it's a bad fish. Um. In this job, you don't try to make rulings on if fish are
good or bad. But it's pretty It's it's held sort of a standard in the industry that hammerheads are are a bad fish. M Did you know that When I was younger, Um, people called me Shammou in Florida. I did not know that the whale from Sea World that was my nickname. Was it because you were in a prison made of water? No, it's because I was an Orlando transplant against my will. Oh well, that makes sense. And I also have a fear of white families watching
me swim. Oh. I think that's a very reasonable fear. I think, um, yeah, I don't think anybody should be comfortable with a white family watching them swim. I think that's uh. I think you're you're in the right, and your instincts feel correct to me. Thank you. Okay. So I have a lot of questions about the ocean because it's just so big, you know, Yeah, me too. It's it's enormous. So I'm understood, I was. I know this already, and I'm asking you those questions so that the listeners know.
Really it's very helpful. So I'm to understand that at the bottom of the ocean floor there's tectonic plates that meet m you know, and those cause earthquakes, right or tsunamism both. Yes, it might understand that earthquakes and tsunamis that's just the Earth's cheeks clapping together. Yes, that's a that's a really really good way of describing it. Okay,
it really is. If you do think of the tectonic plates as the Earth's cheeks, you know, in the same way that say, somebody was shaking their cheeks right in front of your face, right, you'd hear the sense like this, you'd hear that sound of the cheeks hitting each other, and that sound is obviously the result of sonic waves being created as the cheeks hit and reflect off of each other exactly. And so if you think of the tectonic plates as cheeks when they hit together, they are
also releasing sonic energy. When it happens under water. We see that in the form of tsunamis. You know, the the sound of those cheeks clapping essentially moves water across the ocean, and when it happens in a drier area, that's reflected as an earthquake. So yeah, I'd say that's a pretty accurate description. And as we know, you know,
we like to refer to nature as Mother Earth. You know, I've written a couple papers about this that you could say that Mother Earth, from an academic standpoint, has a dump truck ass. Wow, mother Earth has a dump truck ass. That's correct. Yes, you know, I've always thought that myself, so I'm glad that someone else is affirming it up for me. Yes, there's a lot of research to back that up, back it up exactly. Yes, Okay, So moving on, what do you think is the most evil creature in
the ocean. Oh, the most evil creature is by far the octopus. It's not really a contest now, to be clear, the octopus isn't the smartest creature in the ocean. It's one of the smarter ones, but it is the most evil. Okay, I think in terms of true malice of intent, the octopus is number one. All octopi are up to no good.
They want to hurt us, they want to hurt each other, and therein lies the problem in their quest to seek domination over the ocean as well as the land, is because they have a hard time working together, mainly because the octopus has the largest ego of any underwater creature. For that reason, it doesn't work well in teams. Now.
A smarter but less evil animal, but one that I still think we should be worried about is the oracle whale, as you said earlier, because oracle whales, according to our research, are much orders of magnitude more intelligent than human beings. The only thing that has stopped oracle whales from being the dominant society, the dominant food chain in and out of the water, is the fact that oracle whales can't hold a gun. They don't have hands. Oh my god.
And so a lot of my research is in essentially the most drastically bad thing that could happen to human beings or really any other living creature is for orcas to acquire hands, and so we've done a lot of research on how do we make sure that orcas don't get hands, Because they're considerably smarter than us. It's really
just an issue of dexterity. Now, that's not to say all orca whales are bad, but orca whales, given the opportunity, could become the dominant species on earth where Octopi, although more evil than orca whales, again too evil to work together on anything. They're kind of all out for their own purposes, whether those be scams, murders, robbery, trafficking, those type of things. Wait, so orcahales could kill us, well, they are called killer whales just as a reminder. They
can definitely kill us. But here's the thing. They can't kill us from a distance. And here's the number one thing I would want all of your listeners to take away. You should never ever, ever, ever go into the water. You should never go into an ocean because that's where orcas can get you. Orcas at this point in time, can't get you on land, and so if you're living on land, you should sleep safe at night, at least
for now. Okay, well, that's very upsetting because I have a bachelorette party I'm going to next week in the ocean. It's on a boat, so I shouldn't go. I would say that you should not go, but if you are to go, you definitely want to be very, very heavily armed. Are you sure? Because this is Fergie's bachelorette party and I feel like I should go. Fergie's bachelorette party's coming up. Yeah, Stacy Ferguson, my friend Fergie. Boys, that's a pickle. So can I go. Let me think about this for just
a moment. How close are you to Stacy Ferguson. I'm pretty close. I was the third person she called after she botched the national anthem. Okay, then yeah you have to go. That's so I should go. But should I go with a gun? Yeah, you should go, and you should bring a gun or a sword. The other thing you could do is just where something that tastes really, really bad. Okay, that would be another good option. Yeah, Okay,
if you're listening to this, Freggie, I'll be there. But if I'm weird on the boat, know that it's because of Let's it's because of him. Here's the thing orcus present tremendous danger to us. But friendships, that's the family you choose, so you know you really have to put that above all else. Okay, Well, to go back to the octopus is being evil thing, because the way that you're describing it sounds kind of like my stepmom Sharon.
Oh interesting, you know, evil and sure conniving. So what's the most evil thing that you think an octopus could do? Because whatever it is probably what my stepmom Sharon's gonna do. Gosh, that's a really really good question. What's the most evil thing that I think an octopus could do? Or actually, let me, let me change that question on you sure, what's the most evil thing that you think my stepmom Sharon could do? Given that everything you said about octopus
is a little while ago reminding me of my stepmom Sharon. Great. Great, So if your stepmom Sharon is anything like an octopus, first of all, she's into emotional manipulation yeah, and is probably to my guests, very very clever at it. She checks me all the time exactly and making you question your own reality. I could see something like, for example, changing the size of items in your apartment only slightly to make you think that you've grown bigger or smaller.
What say, for example, she replaces your bed with a bed that's three inches wider, making you think that you've shrunk, or you know, the obviously the inverse, making your bed a few inches narrower, making you think that you've grown, replacing your cups was slightly smaller cups. That sort of thing making you think that maybe you're turning into some
sort of iron, or maybe you're slowly shrinking. That's the type of thing that, given the capabilities of a bipedal organism, that we could easily see transferring from the octopus psyche onto a human being. But she's not bipedal. She's only into men. She's only into my dad. M okay, So I don't think that that part doesn't really track gotcha, gotcha. But she's kind of done stuff like that before. Like one time she came into my apartment and she moved
everything three inches to the left except for my computer. Gotcha. So I thought I was going crazy. So you walk in and immediately you feel off balance, Immediately you feel off kilter. Yeah, she did that, and then I was so distructed by that I missed my graduation. Wow, I'm really sorry to hear that. Yeah, okay, so it sounds like you're an expert on my stepmom Sharon too. So okay,
I have a question then. So if your stepmom, I mean, if let's say, an octopus named Sharon in your lab um, I don't know, let's say, stopping you from talking to your other octopus parent and was changing one digit off of his phone number in your octopus phone so that you keep texting some random person in Albuquerque instead, and then getting confused why it's not your octopus dad? What
would you do to confront this octopus about that? So, like I said earlier, I was in a bike accident today and so I kind of I kind of had trouble following. You know, what things are octopus specific and what pieces of building sort of building out the universe in my head of an octopus phone and an octopus mom and an octopus dad. But I would say that, um, standing up for yourself, that's always a good bat to the octopus. Charon. You have to stand up for yourself
to the octopus. Okay, here's here's the thing. You cannot trust an octopus. So any sort of truce or surrender to an octopus. They're never going to honor the terms and conditions of any sort of agreement. The only way to beat them is with pure raw power, physical force, and emotional domination. So I wouldn't rely on any sort of acquiescence or deal making, because an octopus is going
to violate the terms of that deal. It'll shake you with one hand, and it'll stab you in the back with another, and it'll still have six more hands with which to do whatever it wants. Professor, did the octopus hurt you in your life recently? Because it sounds like you're kind of talking from personal experience. I've met several octopie in my life. None of them has ever been so much as cordial to me. They're all disgusting, slimy little villains, and I don't mean to get angry on
the podcast, but I want to fight them. I want to beat the shit out of them. They're discussing little slimy creeps. Frankly, they're, in my opinion, gross misogynists. Oh and also, um just habitually late to arrangements? Okay, um? Is this octopus? Uh? Similarly to four mel four four for something? No, I'm literally talking about octopuses. Oh okay, I though ye know where you found him? Guys, sorry, oh my mic is on. Okay, um, professor, okay, let's
move on. M. What's the weirdest thing that you've ever found in the whales? Blowhole? Oh? Great question. Um, it's hard to say because blow holes themselves are so weird, you know what I mean? Yeah, and so I think I might answer that question with a blow hole itself. Every time I get a look at a blow hole, I think that's crazy. Frankly, yuck, my ex is blow hole is crazy too. It's nasty in what way, just
looks weird. M. It's like a cavernous but shallow m so wide but shallow, like like a ramkin or a four rounds mason jar. Yeah. Maybe it's a ramicin the thing that you used to make M delicious tooflets and tarts. Yes, you would put like a like a crembrulet in a ramkin. Okay, you could put like a like a chocolate like a lava cake and the ramic cake. Yes, yes, exactly exactly. Okay, Yeah, his blowhole is like a rambicin. Then great, Yeah, I totally understand. It's grooved. Kind of like it too, I
don't like it. Oh interesting, interesting, So that's the weirdest blowhole I've seen, gotcha? Gotcha? Yeah? Well, every every blowhole I've ever seen has been weird in its own way. You know. Sometimes I think to myself, why did I get into this business? The fish are all over the place, the ocean so big. We have no idea how big it is. We don't know where it goes. We know it goes all over the place, but we don't know
exactly where. Every time I might look at one of these slippery, slimy scumbags, and by that I mean aquatic life, I'm more grossed out than the last time. So it really is. It's a it's an interesting and it's a fickle business. Okay, speaking of that, how rich are you? Well? Right now, I'm still I have a negative net worth, you know, from nine years of grad school studying marine biology and oceanography. So yeah, so at this point I
am am worth less than zero financially. But I'm hoping to discover some sort of unbelievable fish that makes me a lot of money somehow, a fish maybe that people can invest in or something like that. I miss you the best on that endeavor. Thank you so much. And I thought you were rich. This kind of sucks. Okay, Well, question then, have you ever been to the Tampa Bay Aquarium, because if so, I have some follow up questions. I have never been to the Tampa Bay Aquarium, but I
have seen beautiful pictures of it. Oh, so you've never been to the Tampa Bay Aquarium. No, because I lost my retainer there and I need someone to find it. Oh, okay, I can put in a call if you like. No, it's okay. I do have some colleagues that work there. Are you sure, that's fine, It's fine, fine, fine. I just thought maybe you would know. You have my email. You let me know if you change your mind, and
I'll make a call to the Tampa Bay Aquarium. And I have a friend there, Jean Pierre, who could actually take a look and see if you could find your retainer. Fessor, that's the nicest thing ends ever said to me. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this. So kind. I would hope that by this time in your life people would have said kinder things to you. No, not really tell you what, my friend, You've got an awful lot of hurt in that voice. No, I'm fine. Anything you want
to share, anything you want to talk about. No, I want to ask this question. Just let me Okay, Like, is it is? It? Is it root to poop in the ocean? Is my question? No? No, No. You should feel free to poop in the ocean at any time. Yeah, that's That's an extremely natural part of life. There's nothing
wrong with that at all. Okay, because I pooped in the ocean one time and then my stepmom Sharon was screaming at me in front of everyone, saying that I can't take hot dumps in the ocean because I'm the reason why turtles are dying. No, no, no, The reason turtles are dying is the gradual escalation of ocean temperatures, as well as the fact that they're extremely slow. They didn't get anywhere quickly, and that makes it hard to run away. Your dumps of any temperature are no problem
for the ocean. They're not going to hurt it, absolutely not. You shouldn't feel ashamed of that, and you should feel free, honestly, feel free. Okay, because I took a dump on the ocean the other day at a different bachelorette party, that I was at. I was at a different black Eyed Peas bachelorette party on the ocean, and I took a dumb on that everyone kept making fun of me. Everyone can't make fun of me, gotcha. Yeah. Everyone was like, yoka, stop,
so why are you doing? Why are you taking it? Dump? Stop squatting over the deck? Stop? And I said, it's a poop deck. It's called a poop deck for a reason. And I to go, fat hot dump into the ocean and everyone's like stop, stop. And then one person made a boomerang of it coming out of my butthole. So then it's like me squatting over the ocean and the poop goes back up and down, up and down, and then it's all made an NFT out of it, and now it's just like living on the internet forever. Sure, sure,
so you have my email. If you do feel comfortable sending that to me, that would be you know, no pressure at all. But do you feel free to send that my way? Okay, yeah, I don't. I don't think you should feel any shame, any shame whatsoever, perfectly natural part of life. It's good to know. It's like throwing up or peeing a little bit when you laugh or something like, you know, it's just it's just part of being a person. So then it's peeing in the ocean also, okay,
peeing in the ocean absolutely, Okay. Wow. So if there's any takeaway I would want people to get from this peeing and pooping in the ocean, it's a green light. Okay, Professor, this has been really encouraging. Are you looking to adopt? Adopt? Adopt a child in his mid twenties? You know, it's so crazy you ask that because I've been thinking in this life of the high seas, I'd love to share it with someone. I'd love to pass on what I've
learned from the ocean to somebody. And this could just be the bike accident that I was in earlier talking. But I don't know if I have it in me to raise a child from birth, or to raise a child from a small little kid into a fully grown adult. But to adopt and I sort of bring into my family a twenty year old that feels like just my speed. Actually, So I don't know if that was made in jest or anything, but no, it's my step mom Sharon that I can't go back into the house for the next
few weeks. Sure, and I picked up on this, like, you know, have you seen the movie up? Absolutely? You know, the old guy and the little little Asian boy. Absolutely. Yeah. I feel like you and I could kind of be like that. I don't see why not. This is awesome. This is my favorite episode ever. I got a parent. Look, it's gonna be extensive paperwork, It's gonna take some time.
Like I said, I don't have a lot of money, but what I do have is a knowledge and a love for the sea that I would be happy for you to join me. Yet. That's awesome. Wait, so that means that I don't have to go back to Sharon. That means I don't have to go back to my dad. Well, well that's your choice. You can if you like to, but you don't have to. No, no, no, I don't want to go back. I hate them. Now I have a new Hey, dad, you hear that. I have a new dad now. Wow. I don't need you. Wow, I
don't need you. I don't I don't care about you. I don't need your validation. I don't even care if you show up to my cello recital next week. I don't care about any of that. You have a cello recital next week? I do. Will you come? I love the cello, beautiful instrument, absolutely tremendous instrument. Thanks. I'm not very good, but I'll make you proud. Here's the thing. I can be proud of you. I cannot be proud of you. Your dad can be proud of you. He
cannot be proud of you. The most important thing, sorry, proud of yourself. That's shared. Are you listening to this? You need to talk like this to me a little bit more often. That's wild. That's wild. Well, professor, I have one last question about the ocean before we move on to our next segment. Great, okay, So in the ocean you said there's a lot of evil creatures. Yes, absolutely, And so there's a lot of smart creatures. Yes. Who do you think is the dumbest but nicest creature? Oh,
that's easy. Whales? Whales, and by that I do don't mean dolphins. Killer whales are actually part of the dolphin families, so they're a little bit different. But whales. Whales are incredibly kind and not that sharp. Whales can't do math, they can barely read. I'd say the only thing that saves them is they have a decent sense of direction. They have okay emotional intelligence, but in terms of hard skills, computation, etc. Not very good. Also, whales, they don't really understand sarcasm
or irony at all. Whales have a really, really hard time understanding any sort of complex humor. But whales really never hurt anybody. They make amazing pets, they're wonderful travel companions, and they're extremely trustworthy and loyal. You know, Look, every creature has its pros and cons. Whales overall, they're all right with me. It sounds like you really like whales, Professor. I find whales useful. I find whaless interesting. Look again, I try not to get into good and bad. I
know earlier I kind of slipped up. I let some passions overtake me, and I mentioned how hammerhead sharks are bad. Whales on the spectrum probably good. I guess you could say that I like them. But again, what am I going to Essentially, here's how i'd put it. What am I going to talk about with a whale? What am I going to do with a whale? There's not much. I respect them, I give them their distance, they respect me,
They give me my distance. If we see each other, we might say hello, that sort of thing, but overall, there's not I don't have that much in common with a whale. If that makes sense, Well, then what's your favorite creature? Oh, my favorite sea creature? Gosh, it's crazy nothing you bring it up. I guess I don't really have one. And that makes me realize I've been spending all this time in the ocean making observations, but I
haven't really been making friends. And you'd think after all these years in the ocean, I would have a couple of friends that I could call on. And I think it wasn't until this moment that I realized, you know, in the ocean, I have a lot of work colleagues. I have a lot of ocean dwellers that respect me and whom I respect, but nobody that I could really call on in hard times. And I think that's something that I needed to wait to think about. I'll be
your faith, I'll be your favorite creature. What about me? You're a person, but I can be your favorite I just want to be someone's favorite thing. I can't be your favorite ocean creature, but you're not. Just so it just sounds like when you're talking about whales that you like whales more than me and I don't know. I'm just I just Hey, have you ever heard of a
zero sum game? No? What's that? So it's this idea that for one person to win the other has to lose and Buddy, just because I like whales doesn't mean I like you any less. I can like both things. This sounds like when someone's trying to explain to me Wortle. I don't get it. I don't get it. Hey, can I whale play the cello? No, that's right, it doesn't have hands. You can play the cello, and I can shoot a gun and you can shoot a gun. Yeah, And you can host a podcast and I can hear
the podcast. Do you hear that? Sharon? You have a lot of things going for you, okay, And I don't want you to overlook those. Thanks. And that concludes this segment that before we say goodbye, we're gonna do our last segment called I should have known, where our guest has to answer questions about me to prove that I may be an expert and professor Grundle's field, but he's probably not an expert in mind are you ready? Yes? Okay, let's go. Okay. Question number one, what do I like
more cats or dogs? Dogs? Wrong? Picking is homophobic? The Bible taught me that. Question number two, who is my dream emergency contact? Free? No, I am Freggie's emergency contact, but she's not my emergency contact. My dream emergency contact would be Mariah Carey. I think she seems reliable, do you know what I mean? Totally? Yes, she'll be there. She's a song about that. Yeah. She just seems like she'll drop everything to be there for me. But I
hope I'm not hers. She seems like a giver exactly. Okay. Number three, what's my favorite restaurant? I know you definitely don't know this one. For whatever reason, Chili's popped into my head, but I don't know if that's accurate. No. Wrong. The answer is the Cafeteria and the Tampa Bay Aquarium. And I know you don't know that because you've never been correct, But they have delicious French fries. And that
now explains to me how you lost your retainer. My guess is you took it out to eat the French fries, set it down, and either somebody took it or you forgot to put it back in it. This is the Vice Dean, Vice Dean of Stanford right here, exactly right, professor. Okay, number four, what's the worst movie I've ever seen? Musucci? Wrong? The answer is my stupid step mom Sharon's home birth flog that my dad made me watch. Wow, it's awful. It was gross, and it was just so stupid because
he just seems so happy to meet this baby. And I've seen his video of meeting me at my mom's birth and he did not seem that happy to see me. It's just ridiculous. That's really tough. Who my producer, Olivia's selling? I have to move on? Okay, and last question, who's my favorite poet? Ed Garland Poe? Wrong? It's me. I'm my favorite poet. Would you like to do one of your poems for me? Really? Dad? I would love to hear one of your poems. Okay, um uh too. Thanks
for listening to this week's episode of Are You There? Dad? It's me Yoko. Until next time. Bye,