Ask Me Anything: Healing Edition

my personal life. I was actually really wanting to address the pain that everybody was feeling here in Los Angeles and the fires, you know, and there's so much going on in the world that I posted the question as a way to connect with my followers on you know, just how everyone's feeling and kind of share any advice that felt appropriate. Well, to say that I was completely

blown away is an absolute understatement. I got a lot, a lot of questions, an overwhelming amount of questions about my personal life and how it's changed in the last six months. I don't think I was planning on talking about my personal life at all, but I think in the moment it felt right, and to be honest, it was too much to actually type, and I just felt like talking to you guys directly felt, or as much as you can virtually talk directly, really felt more appropriate

in that moment. And the response was overwhelming, and everybody was damning and texting and saying, please put it in my feed, please do it on your podcast. So I

wanted to share here on Climbing and Heels. I wanted to share the question and some of the answers on my pod to update you on my life, and really with the intention to help anyone out there who is healing from tragedy, grieving a broken heart, a natural disaster, or just trying to find their new normal like me, and just trying to figure out who they are in a new iteration of their own lives. So I hope

any of this helps you. I love how many people have responded so far, and how many people are taking I guess my advice or wanting to have more open conversation about it. So let's just get right into it. Okay, what has helped you the most navigate your new journey post breakup? You know, it's very interesting. I don't really consider what's happened in my life a breakup. I don't know.

For some reason, a breakup to me in my life feels very like middle school, like I had a boyfriend and we broke up, or dealing with, you know, my young teenager's personal life, like oh, they broke up, or they're not dating anymore, they're not talking anymore. And I think when you are separating after a thirty three year relationship, and a public one at that, I don't even know

that I think about it as breaking up. To be very honest, I think of it as an entire kind of life altering shift, and I think in some ways it's a bit of a grieving process. And I want to talk about that because I think grieving is a word that is underused, and I think that it really applies to so much that's happening in the world and has happened. I think we grieve when natural disasters happen.

I think we grieve when we lose friendships. I think we grieve, of course, when we when someone passes away. But I think we also grieve sometimes a person that once was, or a relationship, a marriage that once was. I have a friend that lost a husband this past summer, and it's and it's interesting because I feel like, in a weird way, we've kind of gone through the grieving

process in many ways together. And you know, I think when you live a certain way for a really long time and then you live a completely different way without someone in your life, you just have to figure out what that life is. And that's a process, you know. And so I think what's helped me the most is sort of to not look back, but just look forward and look at every day as one I'm grateful for. I think having two magical children by my side on

each side at all times really helps. I think having my family, which you know I've talked about before, really feels in many ways like I've won the lottery because I have the most incredible family. My sister is like my life, you know. I mean, I think we must talk six times a day even when we're not talking. We just said on the phone. And my team and my team and my friends, and so I think that has really helped me because I don't sit home stuck

in my thoughts. And I think that that's a really big I think that's a really big challenge for people going through something is not wanting to go out, not wanting to be with people not wanting to talk about it, and I think when you actually do go out and you get out of your head, that is the most helpful thing to do. And also, I have an incredible life, and I think that it's important to embrace that to its fullest. So I mean, I think all these things

have helped me. Okay, what are some signs you're ready for divorce? I've been married for twenty five years, you know, I think there are signs. I mean, there definitely are signs. There are signs to divorce. But I think people would argue, and I think experts might argue that, you know, what might be a sign for one person is something that's like comfortable for another person. So I think that's where

it gets a little challenging. I think that when you can't figure out And I'm not necessarily saying that all of these pertain to me at all, I'm just saying in general because I feel like I've been through divorce worse probably twenty times in my life before I even

dealt with separating with my husband. And I think that when you've had a really happy relationship that for an extended period of time is very unhappy for various reasons, and you start to realize that you've either like grown a part, you don't agree on pretty much anything, that the things that tied you together are not tying you together anymore. When you know, as I said on my Instagram, I mean, I think when you run out of reasons to stay together and you go to sleep at night

not feeling safe. And when I say safe, I want to be very clear, I don't safe can mean scare literally physically scared. It can also mean that someone who made you calm and happy no longer makes you calm and happy. And I think that in a marriage, Look, marriages are going to go up and down and around six hundred times. I think I was very fortunate in that, you know, I'm not suffering from I married the wrong

person at the age of whatever I was child. I think that I had many, many years that were amazing. And I think that sometimes people, I think you start to look at things differently, and I think that sometimes you grow together and sometimes you grow apart. And sometimes I've always kind of believed that people don't change. Obviously, behaviors can change, but the core I always feel like

those don't change. But honestly, in the last five years, I've seen seen many people change, and I think that that is something, in my opinion, that can really impact a marriage. And I think that when you start to go to sleep at night with that different feeling and you address those things, and sometimes you don't address those things. Sometimes you do therapy and sometimes you don't. And I think there's a lot of things in a marriage that

are fixable. And then sometimes I think that people don't want to do the work. And if you don't want to face things that become challenging in a marriage, I think then it's time to go on either side, you know. I think if you look at yourself every day and you go, I love who I am and I don't want to change, and your spouse wants you to change for various reasons, that's a sign for divorce, you know. And I think that works on either side of a marriage.

I think that ultimately, if the reasons you don't want to be together override the reasons you do want to be together. You know, I also have to say that I do believe in divorce. I'm just going to say that because I do think that we grew up some of us. Depending on your age, grew up in a time where divorce was not accepted in society, and it was like really taboo, and it was sort of like, I mean, I can't tell you how many sets of grandparents I know that stayed together. Even parents are parents.

My parents are happily married. But I think there are countless people that stay together just because they're supposed to stay together, and they live miserably until they're gone. And I don't think that that needs to happen anymore. I don't. I don't think that means peace out and leave your marriage without trying. But I think if you've given it everything you've got and you cannot see it working, or you're really just not happy, it's okay to go. I

really do. But I think you also know you're ready at that point. You just are like know that. I think when you make the decision that you know you will confidently be happier without this person than with this person, it's probably time to go. There are a lot of people in my life going through a lot of things right now. Are there is the biggest surge of separation and divorce that I've ever seen, And I don't know if it's because I'm at that age, and this is

kind of when it mostly occurs. But I also think that couples have been challenged with things that they've never been challenged with. Between COVID having more children out of CODD, getting divorced in COVID coming out of it, I definitely would say not to be afraid to walk away from something that really doesn't feel right to you anymore. Someone asked me something a long time ago. It wasn't even that long ago. Actually, they said, richeld, do you need

permission to leave this relationship? And in a weird way, I think I did. I think I needed permission from myself, And so I think I think that you have to look at yourself without judgment, without feelings of failure, without all the things that society puts on relationships and marriages and people, and I think you need to I think you need to do the work. I would recommend doing the work on both sides if it's something that you

want mutually to save. But at some point, I think it's okay to say, Okay, this has been great, and now it's not. We've done everything we can and now it's time to move forward. I'm saying in general and I am no therapist, I am no professional. I can only speak from personal experience and experience with people very close to me in my life. But be honest with yourself.

Do what's best for yourself and for your family the other thing I would say, And again I'm not speaking only about myself or specifically about myself and my situation, but I think that myth of you have to stay together for the children, I think that has to go away because children very often know way more than you think, they feel way more than you think, and it's more important for children to have two parents that love them separately or together or both than it is for parents

to stay together in an unhappy relationship where they are not loving to each other, because kids feel that no matter the age they feel it. Okay, do I like being single? You know, it's a really bizarre question and one that I'm pretty sure I never thought i'd be answering. I have not been single since I was eighteen, and in fact, I don't think I was single at eighteen, so I actually don't even know the least I was single, and I don't know the last time I went on

like a date. So to the answer is like, so far. Yes, it's kind of feels like being a teenager, honestly, Like there is this kind of bizarre freedom that I have. And when I say freedom, it's sort of like this feeling of just being able to be myself and not answer to anyone other than my children, who you know, I have to answer to. But it is absolutely surreal. I'm not gonna lie. It is absolutely surreal to be flirted with and know that it's okay if I wanted

to like react to that. I'm a fiercely loyal person, so I think it's something that, like, you know, having been with someone for more than half of my life, I just don't think that that lever has been pulled

for a really long time. Like, of course, you like crushes on people you can never be with, like a Brad Pitt type person, right, But I think there's you know, I think in real life going out there and being on trips and being in different cities and going about my life and people wanting to set me up and you know, guys talking to me, it's like a very bizarre thing that I haven't felt since I was a teen, So I mean, it's it's pretty amazing, honestly, like, I'm

not gonna lie. It's like a very life altering, surreal feeling. That is something I'm really getting used to. It very liberating. Honestly, it's wild. So yeah, okay, best way to move on from a divorce, The best way to move on from a divorce, honestly, you just move on, like you know. I think I answered this very similarly on my Instagram is that you know, you can only move on by moving on. I know that sounds so ridiculous, but the truth is I don't overthink that, and I do overthink

most things in my life. But what I don't overthink is how I move through things on a daily basis. And I think it's because I have always had to handle so much. I've never had to handle one thing ever, I mean, in as long as I can remember. I mean, I think since I graduated college, I have been handling multiple things at a time in my life. And whether that's work, work in kids, my marriage, my family, my

friend's issues, my life, like just it's a lot. My life is a lot, and I think everybody's life is a lot. So I don't complain about that, but I would say that moving on to me is having to really move through every step of it. So if I'm having having a hard day, then I have the hard day. I would say that I really have very few I really do because I really feel very hard in those hard days, and I lean on my very safe people in those moments. I'm not admittedly a huge crier, you know.

I think in this I cried a lot and then I did it, you know. And then there are days that I do and I don't love those days, but you know, it's for different reasons. Usually it's because I'm overwhelmed by everything, not because I'm sad about one thing.

It's usually because I'm exhausted, and you know, and I'm dealing with my personal life and my professional life, and I have to show up for my kids and always be like positive and strong, you know, because I think the minute, at least for me, when I was younger, it was always like if I saw my parents scared or crying, that is the thing that floored me the most. So I'm very aware of that, and I think it's very important, especially as women, to allow ourselves to feel.

And I think in a process of divorce, there are so many different emotions that you go through and like I said, you grieve, I mean you really grieve, and even if it's something you decided to do or you feel good about doing, it doesn't mean there's not grieving in that process, right, And I think that there's moments there's things that like I won't do I won't look at old videos, I won't look at old pictures, I won't look at all these things the media puts together

about like my history of my relationship. I don't feel the need to do that right now. And I think that you have to allow yourself to not allow yourself to do things and not feel guilty about it. But I've also always felt better navigating my own path and doing what feels right to me in the moment and not following a rule book of like how to grieve. And I'm not saying that's not helpful for people. I'm just saying for me, it's not okay. So I also believe.

I just want to say the other thing about that is that I think moving through a divorce, like moving through anything, I think it's important to move through every phase of it. And I think you got to feel all the feels truthfully. Okay, how do I get over someone I've been with for twenty seven years. Honestly, it's a really it's a simple question and a loaded one, because I'm pretty sure in many ways, you don't ever

get over somebody completely. I think your best friend would say the only way you're going to get over someone is with someone else. But I actually think that's the cop out. I do think that's the quick fix. Obviously, it's like a heart transfer, right Like, I've loved this person for twenty seven years, and now I've quickly shifted to somebody else, and that person is filling my heart right now, but like, I don't even know if I

love them or like, but your heart has shifted. If your heart is holding on to someone that you've been with for twenty seven years and you can't pull it away enough to feel for anything else or anyone else, you're never going to get over that person because all you're going to do is think about all the things you're missing in that person and all the things that you miss about that person, and to be honest, that is destroying you on every level. I definitely, I don't know.

I mean, my team would probably say it's a gift. My friends would probably say it's a gift. I don't know how I think of it, but I do compartmentalize

and I do block. I talked about this as well, but I think when you have a lot of different channels of life in your life on a daily basis, like a work bucket, a kid bucket, a friend's bucket, a coworker bucket, a travel bucket, your family bucket, like all these things, you have to compartmentalize it because if you don't, you will go down every time one of those channels is broken or even just injured, you know. And I think it's a really important life skill to have.

And I think your personal life and your professional life. If your personal life goes down when your professional life does, and your professional life goes down when your personal life does, you can't really exist in a healthy way all the time. And so I really think that you have to accept that you may not truly get one hundred percent over

somebody in the way that you want too. Right, I don't know that I can realistically say to you you're never going to care about this person again, You're never

going to think about this person again. But I can tell you that if you work on yourself and you become a happy, content, confident person in yourself, you will most likely attract a person who is going to love you in a way that makes you feel whole again, because I think when you get out of something for twenty seven years, there's a huge part of you, there's

like a huge vacancy, you know. And one would argue that there are many partners in a relationship that within seconds and sometimes even before, jump right into another relationship. Sometimes that's a narcissist. Sometimes that's a serial, you know, relate reationship kind of person. Sometimes it's the simple fact that either person cannot be alone with themselves and their thoughts and their physical selves. They cannot bear the thought or active being alone ever. And I think for me,

I really love my alone time. I crave it. It doesn't mean I don't want to partner, it doesn't mean I don't love love. It just means there is a level of noise in my life that exists on a daily basis that my alone, quiet personal time is sacred and needed for me, and I would rather have that than be with someone that isn't making me whole or isn't making me happy. And so I think a lot

of people. To go back to the earlier question, I think a lot of people need to be with someone because they're either not happy with themselves or they can't figure out how to be independent and not code of pends. And I think you have to really look at why you're with someone, why you stay with someone, or why you need to be with someone, because I do think our culture does dictate that. And I can't tell you that.

When I announced that I was getting separated, thousands of people from around the world and every part of my life where like, are you okay, You're going to be okay, You're going to meet someone, don't worry. And I was like, and then what's so funny is like, my really badass friends in my life that are like very fiercely independent but also have either been divorced and remarried or found love again or happiness or whatever it is, we're like, congratulations,

welcome to your new life. And I think there's a way that this culture needs to stop dictating and stop putting pressure on women even men to be like, oh I have someone to say, Oh, oh, don't worry, You're going to find a partner. Oh my god, someone's going to love you. Again, that narrative has to change. It

has to change, it just does. And I think you have to accept that you may not one hundred percent be over somebody forever, because I think someone that you love for twenty seven years is always going to hold a piece of your heart, and if you ended in an amicable way, you will likely hold that person in a place in your heart. And that's okay. But hopefully you can open up enough room to make space for someone else if you choose to. Okay, where does my

confidence come from? My confidence? It is very funny. I don't think of myself as a confident person, and I think the people closest to me in my life would probably say that I'm not an overly confident person. I think I have insecurities like all of us. I'm probably more confident about certain things, and I will say I think that I think that I am very clear on what I feel most confident about. I know that I can read a room, I know that I can read people.

I know that I know that I have good instincts and things like that. But I think a lot of that is really trial and error. I've lived a lot, and not to do anything with age but I have had a very full life and a very very dramatic life in many ways. You know, it's weird because it's my normal. So I don't think I really realize that on a regular basis, I go at things full on in one thousand percent, and it's the way that I

work best. It's the way that I feel best. And I think that for me, confidence comes from wanting to do things myself in a way because I know how I want them done. So I don't think I look at it as confidence, but I look at it as a comfort level in how I like things and how I like to again like move through my life and attack things in my life and approach things in my life.

But yeah, again I think I would leave that with confidence comes with experience, and I think, especially when it comes to your job, the more you do something I promise you, the more confident you are. I think it's the same thing with being a mother. I know that I'm a great mother because I've now been a mother for more than four almost fourteen years. But if you asked me in the first two years of my life,

am I doing this right? I don't know, But I followed my gut and I just said, I'm never leaving my kids, and this is what makes me feel like I'm being a good mother. So you have to do what makes you feel best about what you're doing. Okay, favorite tools to deal with anxiety parit tools to deal with things. I mean, I have done something with friends and honestly with my youngest son. Really in my own mind. You have to think about something as what's causing the anxiety.

You have to break it down right because for me, the immediate reaction. I saw this thing about, you know, being a virgo, which is like something like being a virgo means panicking but then doing it yourself. But you have to panic first and go into a complete spiral and then you're totally fine. And I think that there's this like five alarm fire reaction that I have to

things a lot of the time. But I will say that becoming a mother made me weirdly less anxious about many things because I realized how either unimportant they were, how unrealistic they were. But I think a really good exercise to do is something you would do with a young child. Is this a rational fear or an irrational fear? So like if you're walking down the street and you have a fear of this tree falling on you. Is

that rational? Probably not right. I think having a fear of driving a car on a crazy ledge with no railing, that's pretty rational fear to be frightened of, you know.

And I think there is a world of difference between irrational and rational, and that has helped me with anxiety, truly trying to break it down in my head truthfully, breathing breathing techniques actually really do work in the moment, and sometimes shifting the narrative in your head about what is actually happening, so it's sort of projecting kind of what could happen, and then you're like, why are you wasting this brain space, time and energy on something that

hasn't happened, you know, because I realize how much anxiety is caused by what could happen but actually hasn't happened. So I've really been working on a lot of that and it's really been helpful. And I also find that when you have children, because you have to be strong for them, you find you have less time to be anxious about things not worth being anxious about. And I do find a big trigger for anxiety is having too much time to get into your head about anything. Okay,

are you going to date soon? Or do you want to enjoy being on your own for now? You know what? I literally the greatest lesson I've learned in my career and in my life in general. And I'll say it to anyone who will listen. Never say never, never say never, and never never turn down an opportunity that hasn't been offered. So I'm going to now. I always apply that to work, and now I'm going to apply that to my single life. So I'm never going to turn down something that hasn't

presented itself. I am excited to date. I'm going to date someone that excites me. I'm going to date someone that I'm very clear about what I want and what I don't want, but I also need to not put roadblocks up on it. I'm going to take my own advice on that. But I am really enjoying my piece, and I am really enjoying being on my own and just being with my kids and being with my friends and just meeting great people. And right now it's just been really nice and really peaceful and no drama, and

that's been really really nice. And i think what happens, you know, going forward, I mean bringing on. I'm open to it. No rules, no roadblocks, That's what I keep saying to myself, No rules, no roadblocks. Okay, how are the boys doing? The boys are honestly extraordinary. They are my best friends. They are my little princes, they are my little guards. They are my two favorite little humans in the world. And they are thankfully, gratefully doing incredibly.

They are thriving in school, thriving with their friends, and just overall incredibly happy and peaceful. And that's all I care about. So the rest is icing. Okay, did I do try January? That's funny? No? No, did I stutter? No? But truth be told, I've never actually believed in dry January. I've never believed in what's the other one, sober November. I also don't believe in New Year's resolutions. I'm not that person. I don't believe in those types of things.

It's the same reason I don't set like these big markers and goals for myself. It doesn't work for me. To me, that sets me up for failure because it's the thing I'm trying to do, and if I don't get to where I wanted to be, or I trip up along the way. Then then I start to get

really really hard on myself. But to be honest, I've never really felt that I needed to do a dry month because I have, at least for now, a very healthy relationship with alcohol, and I have never leaned on it to solve problems, and I've never done it in excess because I didn't want to lose the privilege of

having it. A friend of mine during the wildfires recently, a group of us really trauma bonded and we talked about not losing the privilege with certain things, and alcohol, I think is one of them, because I really do enjoy I enjoy having a glass of wine when I want it, and I've always looked at it as I don't want to not be able to have that glass of wine because I enjoy it. And I think there's so many things in life every day that passes everything

that we love or enjoy doing is toxic. So I know alcohol is not good for us, but I also feel that it's okay to have a glass of wine once in a while. So I'm just going to allow

myself right now to continue doing that. But I do have a very strong rule that I highly recommend, which is not drinking at home, because there are many nights that I don't go out and I definitely would never drink at home on those nights because I think once you start doing that, you're drinking seven nights a week, and that per suddenly has saved me, like in COVID and everything else. It just that is like a no fly zone for me, because once you break that, all

of a sudden, you're drinking every night. Okay, So I think that's it for now. Keep the questions coming, and I will always answer them, or I should say I should always try to answer them. I will answer as many as I can. But I hope this was helpful to you. I definitely want to do more of these. I think I just like to be real with all of you. I like to keep this community honest. I don't believe in being that Instagram happy, and I think a lot of people are like, are you really happy?

Are you just Instagram happy? I'm like, no, I'm actually really happy. Like, of course, there's days that fully suck, but you know it's okay. We all have days that suck. That's human. So be on the lookout for when I drop questions on my IG. I hope this podcast helps anyone who's searching for healing in their life, no matter what it is, or anyone who is just curious about how my personal healing journey is going. I love all

of you. You mean a lot to me, and you know my mission with Climbing in Heels truly is to help as many people as possible get through whatever it is in their life, whether it's their professional journey and now personal journey, and sometimes it's the same thing. Sometimes it's both colliding about whatever it is. I think we all have to be open and talk about it because we're all just going through it, so let's just go through it together. Thank you so much for listening to

Climbing and Heels. If you haven't already, please subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, the iHeart app, or wherever you get your podcasts, so don't miss a single episode this season. Be sure to follow me on Instagram at at Rachel Zo and the show on at Climbing in Heels pod for the latest episodes and updates. I will talk to you soon, fat Boy