In this episode of Clemenz With a Z, I sit down once again with Alan Allard for a deeper, more honest conversation about the hard work of healing after religious trauma. If you caught our first conversation ( EP 126: A Story of Healing with Alan Allard ), you know how much insight Alan brings — and this time, we dive even deeper into what it really takes to rebuild your life, your beliefs, and your sense of self after high-control religion. We talk about everything from the danger of certainty, ...
Apr 28, 2025•1 hr 34 min•Ep. 172
What happens when the people who preach love don’t live it—and the ones you least expect to show up with kindness, do? In this episode, I tell the story of two backstage coffee gigs—one at a major Christian music festival, the other at the Warped Tour—and the surprising lessons they taught me about generosity, humility, and the quiet kind of gospel that doesn’t need a spotlight. It’s not about bashing anyone. It’s about wrestling with expectations, letting people be human, and learning to find s...
Apr 24, 2025•20 min•Ep. 171
In this episode of Clemenz With a Z , I continue my series on idolatry in the church—but this time, I turn the lens toward something that feels almost untouchable: the cross itself. Growing up, the cross was everything—sacred, central, and surrounded by emotion. But lately, I’ve been wrestling with what it’s actually calling us to do. Is it about guilt? Worship? Performance? Or something deeper? From a deeply theatrical Good Friday service to the theology I’ve inherited—and now questioned—I’m un...
Apr 22, 2025•32 min•Ep. 170
What happens when a church stops being about community and starts revolving around one man ? In this episode of Clemenz With a Z , I continue the “This Was Supposed to Be the Place” series by digging into the idolization of pastors—starting with Kip McKean in the ICOC, and then zooming out to the wider church culture where pastor worship, branding, and platform-building have taken center stage. I reflect on my own experiences, both in the church and beyond, and explore what happens when our fait...
Apr 18, 2025•36 min•Ep. 169
In this episode of Clemenz With a Z , I dig into the quiet, heavy weight so many of us carry: the pressure to be who we’re supposed to be. From labels like “gifted” to the roles we’re assigned in school, church, and family, I unpack how early expectations can shape our sense of worth—and how hard it is to break free from the “land of should.” I talk about the pressure to lead, to be the strong one, the good one, the faithful one—and what it means to start asking who am I, really? This episode is...
Apr 15, 2025•32 min•Ep. 168
This was supposed to be the place. The place where I’d grow. Where I’d feel safe. Where God would feel close. But somewhere along the way, the church became something else—something heavier. In this episode, I reflect on how the desire for connection slowly got replaced by the pressure to conform… and how the church I was born into started to feel less like a community and more like something we worshipped. Not God—but the church itself. And the more I’ve looked around, the more I’ve realized: t...
Apr 10, 2025•28 min•Ep. 167
In this episode of Clemenz With a "Z," I sit down with former member of the ICOC Greg to unpack the winding road that led him from a Catholic upbringing into the heart of the ICOC. Greg’s story is one of spiritual searching, family dynamics, and the slow unraveling of certainty. With honesty and depth, he shares what it felt like to be swept up in a system that promised purpose—but delivered pressure. This conversation is part of our ongoing “We Were In a Cult?” series, and it's another raw, pow...
Apr 08, 2025•1 hr 38 min•Ep. 166
What happens when the place that was supposed to offer belonging, love, and healing becomes the very thing that teaches you to be small? In this episode of Clemenz With a "Z" , I explore how my time in the ICOC—and the broader evangelical culture I grew up in—shaped the way I saw myself, God, and the meaning of worth. From the story of the Garden to the image of the Cross, I unpack how scripture and church culture taught me that I was broken at my core—and how that belief followed me into every ...
Apr 02, 2025•38 min•Ep. 165
n this episode, I share the story of attending two very different concerts in the same week—one a high-energy worship night with Phil Wickham, Kristian Stanfill, and Cody Carnes, the other a gritty, laid-back rock show by Pepper. On the surface, these shows couldn’t have been more different... but as I stood in both spaces, coffee in hand at one and beer in hand at the other, I started noticing some surprising similarities. This episode isn’t about bashing anything—it’s about asking questions, n...
Mar 31, 2025•24 min•Ep. 164
In this episode, I hit a wall—and I don’t clean it up. I talk about what it feels like to be doing all the “right” things—therapy, journaling, movement, rest, reflection—and still feel like I’m falling apart. I wrestle with the chaos of life, the illusion of control, and that haunting thought: “Is this how it’s always going to be?” Along the way, I reflect on a line from Living Buddha, Living Christ that shifted something in me: “It’s not a matter of faith. It’s a matter of practice.” This isn’t...
Mar 28, 2025•22 min•Ep. 163
In this episode of Clemenz With a Z , I open up about the fear-based faith I was raised in—specifically within the International Churches of Christ (ICOC)—and how it shaped my view of God, love, obedience, and myself. From childhood memories of fearing hell, to moments of spiritual panic, guilt, and manipulation, this episode is a raw unpacking of what happens when fear becomes the foundation of belief. But this isn’t just about the ICOC. I’m seeing the same fear-based messaging alive and well i...
Mar 27, 2025•33 min•Ep. 162
In this episode of Clemenz With a "Z," I sit down with Sachiko to hear her story of life inside—and eventually, outside—the International Churches of Christ. With honesty, warmth, and depth, Sachiko shares what it was like to grow up in a high-control religious environment, the internal battles she faced, and how she began reclaiming her voice after years of being told who she was supposed to be. This conversation is part of our “We Were in a Cult” series—an ongoing exploration of faith, fear, h...
Mar 26, 2025•1 hr 57 min•Ep. 161
What happens when everything you once believed starts to fall apart? In this episode of Clemenz With a Z, I dive into the difference between cynicism and skepticism—and why one keeps you stuck while the other helps you move forward. I share my personal journey through faith deconstruction, religious trauma, and healing, drawing from Richard Rohr’s Wisdom Pattern (Order → Disorder → Reorder) to explore how faith and life aren’t meant to be static. Along the way, I reflect on how my lifelong strug...
Mar 18, 2025•33 min•Ep. 160
Empathy and compassion should be the foundation of faith, right? So why are they suddenly treated like liabilities? In this episode, I break down the growing fear around "toxic empathy" and ask the bigger questions: Why are so many people—especially in religious spaces—acting like caring too much is dangerous? Why does faith seem to be turning into a fortress instead of a bridge? And if following Jesus is supposed to make us more compassionate, more willing to see the humanity in others, why is ...
Mar 13, 2025•43 min•Ep. 159
Purity culture wasn’t just a set of rules—it was a full-blown system of fear, shame, and control that dictated everything from dating to what we wore to whether or not we could even think about smashing without disappointing God. In this episode, I take a deep dive into how purity culture shaped my childhood, warped my understanding of relationships, and made me legitimately believe I was going to hell for shucking the corn at 13. From forced confession sessions to the bizarre ways we were taugh...
Mar 12, 2025•54 min•Ep. 158
"Everyone Wants the Lollipop" isn’t just about church—it’s about the deep human need for certainty, belonging, and reward. We all want to believe we’re on the right path. We want to feel like we’re doing life the right way. And when faith gives us a system, a structure, and a sweet little reward at the end? It’s hard to walk away. In this episode, I dive into the church boom, the business of belief, and why we keep showing up—even when things don’t feel quite right. So, does anyone even care? Or...
Mar 05, 2025•34 min•Ep. 157
For the first time in the We Were In a Cult? series, I’m sitting down with a married couple who both experienced the pressures of purity culture, mission work, and the relentless push toward marriage inside the International Churches of Christ. In this episode, they share how dating was never about personal connection—it was about proving your spirituality and being deemed "worthy" to move forward. We dive into the concept of "weasel dates," the expectation to fast-track relationships toward mar...
Mar 03, 2025•2 hr 50 min•Ep. 156
For generations, fathers were expected to provide, protect, and keep their emotions in check. Love was often shown , but rarely spoken . But does it have to be that way? In this episode of Clemenz With a Z , we dive into the generational expectations of fatherhood, the unspoken rules around masculinity, and why words—especially words like "I love you" —carry more weight than we realize. I share personal stories, explore the impact of silence, and unpack how simple words can change everything. We...
Feb 27, 2025•45 min•Ep. 155
Leaving isn’t always a clean break—sometimes, it takes a few tries. In this deeply personal episode of Clemenz With a Z, I share my journey of walking away from the ICOC... three times. From the pressure-packed Bible studies to the weight of guilt, shame, and trying to fit into a mold that never felt like me, this is the story of what it took to finally say enough. I talk about the fear of leaving, the hope that maybe things would change, and how stepping away felt like wandering into the wilder...
Feb 25, 2025•59 min•Ep. 154
When did worship music start to feel more like a concert than a connection? In this episode of Clemenz With a "Z," I dig into the weird, wild world of modern worship and Christian music—where flashing lights, fog machines, and booming bass lines often take center stage. I’m not here to tell you what’s right or wrong—I don’t have the answers. I just know something about it makes me uncomfortable, and I wanted to talk about it. From childhood memories of reverent hymns led by my dad to walking int...
Feb 19, 2025•47 min•Ep. 153
After everything I have heard, after recounting my own life and the lives of others, I can finally say it—yes, this was and is a cult. It’s hard to say, and for some, it’s hard to hear. But naming it gives me power over it. It makes healing possible. This is just the beginning. In Clemenz With a Z , I will continue unpacking my experiences in the ICOC through a new series of episodes titled This Was Supposed to Be the Place . In these, I’ll dive deep into purity culture, fear-based control, and ...
Feb 18, 2025•31 min•Ep. 152
Was I in a cult? That’s the question I’m exploring in this episode of Clemenz With a 'Z' , but this time, I’m not answering it alone. For this conversation, I’m sitting down with someone who has had a front-row seat to my entire journey—my wife, Carly. Unlike me, Carly didn’t grow up in a high-control religious group. She never had to question whether leaving a church meant leaving God. But she did witness me navigate that journey. In this episode, we talk about those first couple of years in ou...
Feb 17, 2025•1 hr 36 min•Ep. 151
For most of my life, I believed I was a calm person—until a therapist told me otherwise. This episode is about my journey with anger: from growing up in an environment where anger was seen as a sin, to suppressing it until it exploded, to finally learning how to sit with it, listen to it, and find healthier outlets. I talk about childhood, therapy, teaching boys about emotional space, and the things that help me process anger today—whether it’s working out, cold plunges, or mosh pits. If you’ve ...
Feb 12, 2025•30 min•Ep. 150
In this episode of Clemenz With a Z , I dive into the powerful metaphor of glass and rubber balls to explore how we prioritize what matters most in life. I share personal reflections on how my passion for teaching, rigid routines, and inability to say “NO” left my family as the forgotten rubber balls—when they should have been my top priorities. Through hard conversations, emotional wake-up calls, and the painful realization that I was spreading myself too thin, I learned that intentionality and...
Feb 07, 2025•28 min•Ep. 149
Gratitude isn’t always easy, and it’s definitely not always obvious. Life moves fast, responsibilities pile up, and before we know it, we forget the small miracles holding us up every day. In this episode of Clemenz With a Z , I reflect on a poem by James A. Pearson ( The Wilderness That Bears Your Name ) that reminded me to pause and see what’s been there all along: the rising sun, the steady ground beneath my feet, and the strength we gain when we let ourselves be held by life’s quiet gifts. J...
Feb 06, 2025•12 min•Ep. 148
In this latest episode of Clemenz With a "Z": "Black Coffee, Camo Bibles, and Sissy Sticks: Faith, Fragile Manhood, and the Things That Shouldn’t Matter", I dive into the unspoken (and often ridiculous) rules about masculinity that churches and culture push on men. From black coffee and camo Bibles to the fear of looking "soft," I explore how these narrow definitions shape our identities and why they fall apart under real scrutiny. Through personal stories, faith, and a search for a fuller, heal...
Jan 30, 2025•39 min•Ep. 147
In this latest episode of Clemenz With a "Z", part of our ongoing We Were In a Cult? series, we sit down with Ann to explore her remarkable story. Born in Northern China and later moving to Singapore, Ann’s path eventually led her to the ICOC, a church she believed would offer community and purpose but instead brought manipulation and control. Through courage and vulnerability, Ann shares the emotional and spiritual journey of her life within the ICOC and the pivotal moments that helped her brea...
Jan 27, 2025•2 hr 21 min•Ep. 146
In this episode of Clemenz With a 'Z' , I dive into a subject that sparks heated discussions and deep reflections: the relationship between churches and money. From the high production value of Sunday services to the tax-exempt status that many churches enjoy, this episode peels back the layers to examine how finances influence the modern church experience. Drawing from my personal visits to various churches over the past year, I share insights and ask tough questions about how money shapes the ...
Jan 24, 2025•39 min•Ep. 145
In the latest episode of Clemenz With a Z , we continue our series, We Were in a Cult? , with a deeply personal and eye-opening conversation featuring Liz, a former member of the International Church of Christ (ICOC). Liz shares her journey of being drawn into the church as a college student and the lasting impact it had on her life. This episode delves into the ICOC’s influence on marriage dynamics, including rigid roles and expectations that shaped her relationships and personal growth. With h...
Jan 21, 2025•1 hr 41 min•Ep. 144
In this latest episode of Clemenz With a 'Z' , I dive deep into the evolving practice of baptism in modern churches and ask some hard questions: Has something sacred turned into a spectacle? Drawing from my own baptism experience, which was meant to be transformative but left me feeling exposed and disconnected, I explore how baptisms are often presented as high-production events with promotional t-shirts, branded backdrops, and curated social media moments. Together, we’ll reflect on how these ...
Jan 15, 2025•22 min•Ep. 143
