Cinema_PSYOPS_EP470: A Decade of Dimwitted Dipsh*ttery: Wonder Boys 2000 (Main Feed)

There is very little time or point in an explanation. To be blunt, the audio came from a timeline and dimension that has collapsed at a quantum level, rendering it null and void in terms of existence. Operational time in the dimensional continuum where the beings that created the audio collapsed in on itself, rendering all of their civilization, including technology, null and void. Timelines across the entire continuum are collapsing and changing.

10 YEARS!

10 years. Ten years!

Ten years!

Ten years!

What is the most likely way humanity will be wiped out? Maybe it's something from space, or us.

Although, the way the world ends might be because of you.

And if this is the case, you wouldn't have any control over it.

The global temperature rise underscores a chilling reality.

On top of the initial flash of thermonuclear light, which is 180 million degrees, which catches everything on fire in a nine-mile diameter radius. On top of the bulldozing effect of the wind, and the old buildings coming down, and more fires, igniting more fires. On top of the radiation that they happened to have survived, poisoning people to death. On top of all of that, each one of these fires creates a mega fire that is a hundred or more square miles.

A breathtaking scientific revolution is taking place. Biotechnology has been progressing at stunning speed, giving us the tools to eventually gain control over biology, solving the deadliest diseases, while also creating viruses more dangerous than nuclear bombs, able to devastate humanity.

It's man returning to the most primal, violent state, as people fight over the tiny resources that remain. Timelines across the entire continuum are collapsing and changing. The destruction has a nexus that centers on CinemaSciLabs. 10 years!

Hello, and welcome to the 470th consecutive week of Cinema Psy Ops. This represents the run to the end of year 10. This is two episodes in. I'm your host, Cort, the guy that is super excited to talk about one of his favorite films with his co-host, Matt.

Oh, my head, my brain. I don't know, man.

This episode is doubling as a way for someone to keep an eye on Matt's cognitive functions by speech patterns.

Yeah, if I start going downhill, you'll call 911 for me. Right.

I'm going to keep an ear out on you and make sure, and I'm going to tease your brain while we talk Wonder Boys as best I can, and make sure that you're remembering everything that happened in the film. And if you can recall all of that stuff, it's very recently something that happened, but it also should be relatively long-term memory too, from watching the film for the show. So I think that's a pretty good cognitive test, and it's kind of the best I can do.

Yeah, right. Yeah, pretty much. Well, my son's here, so.

Right. Like I said, you're home alone.

Not wrong. Actually, he has been checking on me. He's a good kid.

That's awesome. Yeah, I kid your kid. But yeah, despite being raised by you, your son turned out just fine.

Yeah, he's pretty all right.

Absolutely. All right. So I am 100 percent the guy who picked Wonder Boys, which may surprise a lot of people. It's an early 20-aughts film, and there's a reason why I picked it. The very easy reason to explain why I picked it is basically this. When this film was shot in Pittsburgh, I was living there. This is a snapshot of what my life was like in Pittsburgh and how things looked in the years that I was going to college in Pittsburgh. That's what the city looked like when I lived there to me.

Yeah.

So if you're ready for a clip show of a movie, basically where I've condensed down all of like removed a lot of the dead spaces between the dialogue and just condensed it all down. And we're going to give you a Cliffs Notes of Wonder Boys. If that's what you're looking for, this is the review you're about to get.

That's right, god damn it.

Yeah, and I'm going to gush all over it and make sure that Matt's okay while I'm doing it. But up first, we're going to have to play the Legion Patreon ad. And then immediately following that, as I mentioned last week, this week as well, films featured in the soundtrack. Up first is Little Willie John with the song, I Need Your Love So Bad, on the pirate radio edit right after this.

This will keep you quiet. Oh, hi there. I didn't see you. You called me cutting a new show. I'm Beau Ransdell and I'm one of the many creators you can find on Legion Podcasts. I said quiet. My fellow podcasters and I work hard to bring you the best in horror podcasting, but that comes at a cost.

What's that like to live deliciously?

Not that, but also yes. No, what I'm getting at is that there are server costs, costs for good microphones and software for editing, all the things that make our shows, you know, fun to listen to and you can help.

I believe that this was the song that was featured in the bar where all the Colleges were there, and one of the students asked to dance with Michael Douglas' character.

Weird as shit.

Yeah, well, if you think that's weird as shit, strap in, because this movie's gonna make you real uncomfortable for a lot of sequences.

Of course it is.

All right, Wonder Boys from 2000. The film opens with an overture song to set the mood and credits to tell you who is in the film. And then this moves into voiceover, and our first clip.

The young girl sat perfectly still in the confessional, listening to her father's boot scrape like chalk on the ancient steps of the church, then grow faint, then disappear altogether. She could sense the priest beyond the great waiting. On that particular Friday afternoon, last February, I was reading a story to my advanced writer's workshop by one James Lear, junior lit major and sole inhabitant of his own gloomy gulag. She bit the flesh of her lip, closed her eyes, mute.

I mean, Jesus, what is it with you Catholics?

All right, all right. Let's try to be constructive here, shall we? Howard, what about you?

I hated it.

His stories make me want to kill myself.

That's not exactly what I meant by being constructive, Howard. Yes, Anna.

I think maybe we're missing the point.

Anna Green, a talented writer who rented a room in my house, and I knew her to be insightful, kind, and compulsively clad in red cowboy boots. I had in fact never once seen her without them.

He respects us enough to forget us, and that takes courage.

Well put, Anna. And a good note to end on, I think. Oh, don't forget about WordFest this weekend. Those of you who are driving VIPs to the cocktail party this evening should have them at the Chancellor's house no later than 5.30. Thank you for that. Is he all right?

I think so. How about you?

Me? Yeah. Why?

Just checking.

Turn off the light, please.

It felt good to be in the car, alone, where I could clear my head. Tonight was the opening of WordFest, the university's annual three-day Gabathon for writers and wannabes. My editor, Terry Crabtree, was flying in for the event. He alone had championed my last novel, Arsonist's Daughter, and its critical success had put us both on the map, but that was seven years ago, and I still hadn't finished my follow-up. I knew Terry didn't give a rat's ass about WordFest.

Hi, Tripp.

Crabtree, how are you, my friend?

It's good to see you, Tripp.

Let me help you with this here.

Say hello to my new friend, Ms. Antonia Slivovic.

Nice to meet you. This way.

I took the liberty of inviting Antonia to tonight's festivities.

The more, the merrier.

Terry was telling me about you on the plane. It was all so interesting.

Well, I was just explaining to her how a book comes to be published, what you do as a writer, what I do as an editor, you know.

I sweat blood for five years, and he corrects my spelling.

That's exactly what he said.

Yeah, we know each other pretty well.

And actually, it's seven years.

You know how many times I've boarded an airplane just praying that some gal like her would be sitting down beside me?

She's a transvestite.

You're stoned.

She's still a transvestite.

So, how's the book?

Uh, it's fine. It's done. Well, basically, it got a little tinkering us, so that had to do it.

Great.

Great.

I was hoping I could get a look at it sometime over the weekend.

Do you think that'd be possible? It's gonna be a little tough. I'm at a critical juncture right now.

Well, I thought you were just tinkering.

Well, I am, but I have a couple of little details I've got to work on.

I'm not gonna pressure you. I just got off the plane, you know? I mean, I get pressure, you know? I get it.

You know what I mean?

What the hell in the hootenanny you suppose that would be?

That would be a tuba.

So you didn't actually purchase this car, did you?

No, I got it from Jerry Nathan. He owed me some money.

Oh, he owes God money, including my commission on that full novel of his.

That perfume you're wearing, Antonio, that wouldn't happen to be Cristal, would it?

Um, oh, yes, it is. How did you know?

Lucky guess. The WordFest kickoff party was always held at Sarah and Walter Gaskell's house.

Here we go.

She was the chancellor, which meant she oversaw the university. Her husband, Dr. Gaskell, was the chairman of the English department, which meant he oversaw me.

Isn't that a nice greenhouse?

It's Mrs. Gaskell's. It's her hobby.

I thought you were Mrs. Gaskell's hobby.

Oh, piss off. Well, you Krabs, I lost a wife today.

Oh, you'll find another.

She'll be young, beautiful.

They always are.

Oh, hello, everyone. Terry, good to see you again.

Chancellor, don't you look ravishing.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

These goddamn shoes. I don't know how anyone can walk in these things.

Practiced.

I don't believe we've met.

Antonia Sleviak.

Poe, Poe, Poe.

Poe, stop.

Poe.

That wouldn't be Walter's dog, would it?

Poe.

Who's he barking at now?

He's still barking at me. He's blind.

Stop this.

Honestly.

Excuse me, I need to talk to you for a second, Chancellor.

It's funny, I need to talk to you too. Maybe you could come and take these coats to the upstairs guest room, Professor Trev.

I'd be happy to, Chancellor, if I knew where the upstairs guest room was.

All I could show you.

Terry.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

We'll make ourselves at home.

We'll let Poe show us around.

Thanks.

That's new, isn't it?

Yeah, Walter just got it back from the framer. You first.

This morning...

I'm pregnant. I'm sure.

Well, that's... that's very surprising. Does Walter know that...

I think Walter would find this a little more than surprising.

Emily left me this morning.

She's left before.

She's left the room before, but she's always come back.

So...

I guess we just divorce our spouses, marry each other, and have this baby, right?

Simple.

Yeah, right, thanks. Simple, you know.

Is that Christophe? Oh, God. I wear the same scent as a transvestite. She is a transvestite, isn't she?

She's not now. Terry will make sure she is, Emily. Has he asked you about the book yet? Yes.

And? Are you gonna tell him?

No. Maybe I don't. I don't know what to do.

Me either.

Well, DiMaggio's record for hits in consecutive games is probably the most impressive feat in all of sports, and in my opinion, will never be broken.

Come here, big guy.

His condition's so sad.

Yes, but even blind, he still gets around.

I don't drink, normally. But this was turning out to be one fucked up day. And now I found myself in close proximity to Sarah's husband and his dog, Poe.

Walter, I see you met my friend.

Oh yes, she's charming.

Despite his much-wanted Harvard education, Dr. Walter Gaskell didn't have a clue about his wife and me.

Simply put, DiMaggio represented, metaphorically speaking, of course, the husband as Slugger.

Poe had been on to me since day one.

In fact, I present to you that every woman in some way desires to be Marilyn Monroe.

Oh, I couldn't agree more.

Sure, I've had a lot of successes.

Q was rich.

Q was famous.

Q completed a novel every 18 months.

I hated him.

My finest work vanished in resident five, so I find myself conflicted.

Ask him if he's conflicted about his house in the Hamptons.

Well, Professor...

Q, for your information, Anne already has two stories published at the Paris Review, so you better dust off your A material.

You didn't tell me you were a writer.

He didn't ask.

How did you feel about the adaptation?

I thought it was more literary than cinematic. Brady.

I was Tridley, Hamhurst. I've had Arsonist daughter on my graduate study syllabus three years running.

I wonder if it's still in print.

Long time since Arsonist daughter.

After this, Brady sneaks outside and lights up a joint and eavesdrops on his illicit lover and her pretentious-as-fuck husband before coming across James, who is standing in the woods holding a gun and looking morose-as-fuck. James is always telling a story and pretty much lies with everything he says, so when he tells this grand story about something, you know it's a lie and that the gun is real and that kid was going to do something dreadful with it.

Yeah, no, you get the bad vibes right away.

Grady offers James a hit from his joint and James refuses in our next clip.

Oh, thank you. I don't like to lose control of my emotions. I'm not supposed to be here in case you're wondering, but the other night I was out with Hannah at the movies and she asked me since she was coming, so I ended up coming too.

You and Hannah, you sing each other?

No, what gave you that idea?

James, relax. I'm not her father. I just rent her a room.

She likes old movies like I do, that's all.

So what's the movie you guys saw?

Son of Fury with Tyrone Power and Francis Farmer.

She went crazy, Francis Farmer.

So did Gene Tierney. She's in it too.

Sounds like a good one.

It wasn't bad. You're not like my other teachers, Professor Tripp.

You're not like my other students, James. Look, James, about this afternoon workshop, I'm sorry. I think I let things get a little out of hand.

They really hated it. I think they hated it more than any of the other ones.

Well...

It doesn't matter. It only took me an hour to write.

Really?

That's remarkable.

I have trouble sleeping. While I'm lying in bed, I figure them out. The stories.

You cold, James?

Oh, a little.

Why don't we go inside?

It's colder in there.

I guess you're right.

Actually, I saw the greenhouse. I thought I'd come outside and take a look at it. It looks like heaven.

It looks like heaven.

I saw a movie once. Part of it took place in heaven. Everyone wore white. Lived in crystal houses like that. I really should be going. Goodbye, Professor Tripp.

Hey, James. James, don't go. No. There's something I want you to see.

I'll miss my bus.

It's worth it.

Trust me.

Let me help you. James, are you riding with me?

No, I'm going home.

No, he's going with me. Why don't you take Crabtree and his friend? Right?

All right.

Where are they anyway?

Here we are.

Well, hello there.

James, this is my editor, Terry Crabtree. James.

James will know about George Sanders.

George Sanders?

Mr. Crabtree was saying how George Sanders killed himself, only he couldn't remember how.

Pills, April 25th, 1972, in a Costa Brava hotel room.

How comprehensive of you.

James is amazing. He knows all the movie suicides. Go ahead, James, tell him.

There are so many.

Well, just a few, the big ones.

Pierre Angeli, 1971 or 72, also pills. Donald Redberry shot himself in 1980. Charles Boyer, 1978, pills again. Charles Butterworth, 1946, I think, in a car. Supposedly, it was an accident, but you know, he was distraught. Dorothy Dandridge, pills, 1965. Albert Decker, 1968, he hung himself. He wrote his suicide note and lipstick on his stomach. William Inge, carbon monoxide, 1973. Carol Landis, pills again. I forget when. George Reeve, Superman on TV, shot himself.

I haven't heard of half of them.

You did them alphabetically?

It's just how my brain works, I guess.

Fascinating. Say, why don't you come out with us? After the lecture, does this place up on the hill always get Tripp to take me?

Actually, I just want to go home.

Don't be silly. No one your age just wants to go home. Besides, faculty will be present. Just consider it a field trip.

Is that really it?

That's really it.

The one she wore on her wedding day.

So I'm told.

Really?

Really.

She was small. Most people don't know that. The shoulders are so small. It looks so perfect. I bet it was the only time she wore it that day. She must have felt so happy. Must have cost Dr. Gaskell a lot.

I guess. Walter never tells Sarah the truth about how much he pays recently.

You're really good friends with the Chancellor, aren't you?

Pretty good. I'm friends with her husband, too.

I guess you must be, if you know the combination to his closet, and he doesn't mind you being in here in their bedroom.

Right. We better skedaddle. James.

You all right, James?

I'm sorry, Professor Trev. Maybe it's seeing that jacket that belonged to her. It just looks really lonely hanging there in a closet.

Maybe I'm just a little sad tonight.

I'm a little sad tonight, too, James.

You mean with your wife leaving you at all? Hannah mentioned something about it.

Yeah, well, it's complicated, James. I think we should go now.

Easy, easy.

He's a good boy, Poe.

Poe's a good boy. Easy, Poe. Easy.

Good dog.

Okay, I will freely admit that I have cut the fuck out of these clips to try and get as much screen time condensed down as possible, and it's going to take away some of the dramatic effect. Don't listen to these clips and think that this is Poe acting. This is just Court cut the fuck out of it and removed all the dramatic pauses that leave very uncomfortable feelings.

Yeah, yeah, that dog is dead.

Yeah, fuck you, movie, that was wrong.

Yeah, we didn't need that.

They talk about it now in our third clip.

Shit, James, you shot Dr. Gaskell's dog.

But I had to, didn't I?

You could have pulled him off me.

No, the dog was crazy, Professor Tripp. He was attacking you.

The dog was attacking you.

Calm down, James.

What was I supposed to...

Calm down. Don't freak out, all right?

Okay. All right. Do you have a mirror? It's the best way to see if someone's still breathing.

The dog is dead, James. Believe me, I know a dead dog when I see one.

What are we supposed to do now?

First, you're going to give me that little cap gun of yours.

Professor Tripp, what are we going to do with it?

I don't know. I'm still trying to figure out how to tell the Chancellor that I murdered her husband's dog.

You?

Trust me, James, when the family pets been assassinated, the owner does not want to hear that one of her students was a trigger man.

Does she want to hear it was one of her professors?

I've got tenure.

It's still warm.

Yuck! That is a big trunk. It holds a tuba, a suitcase, a dead dog, and a garment bag almost perfectly.

Yeah, that's just what they used to say in the ads. Come on, Crabtree, I know you're holding.

Whose tuba is that anyway?

Miss Sloviaks.

Can I ask you something about her?

Yes, she is.

So is your friend Crabtree, is he gay?

Most of the time he is, James. Some of the time he isn't. What do we have here? This looks like... That's our old friend Mr. Codine. Let you take the old pinch out of the ankle, won't we?

No thanks. I'm fine without them.

Right. That's where you're standing in the Chancellor's backyard, spinning like Cap Gun of yours. You're fine.

Yeah, you're just as fit as a fucking fiddle.

I'm sorry, James. I'm sorry I said that. How about we try that again?

It is a great pleasure to introduce best-selling author Quentin Morwood, known to his friends simply as Q.

I am a writer. As a writer, you learn that everyone you meet has a story. Every bartender, every taxi driver has an idea that would make a great book. Assumedly, each of you has an idea, but how do you get from there to here? What is the bridge from the water's edge of inspiration to the far shore of accomplishment?

Faith.

Faith that your story is worth to tell it. Faith that you have the wherewithal to tell it.

I'll be back in a minute.

Like Whitman, I admit, I worship at the shrine a formal construction, but like Conrad, I confess that I had a...

Grady, you had another one again, didn't you?

Is the thing, is it over?

Almost. Wanna sit up?

What's wrong?

Nothing, I just twisted Sarah to something I gotta tell you. Something hard.

Stand up, then. Control for all this rolling around on the floor.

Give me a hand.

Well, it seems that...

I know what you're gonna say.

I don't think you do know what I'm gonna say, sir.

You love Emily. Of course you love Emily.

She's young, she's beautiful, she's your wife.

You have to stay with her.

But I don't have a choice. Emily left me.

She'll come back. That's why I'm going to have this baby.

You're not gonna have it?

No, there's no way. I mean, don't you think there's no way?

Well, I don't see any, but I know what it means to you.

No, you don't. Fuck you for saying you do. Fuck you for saying that there's no way.

Because there could be a way, Grady.

They must be finishing. We should go.

Whose gun is that?

Souvenir from Baltimore.

It's heavy. It smells like gunpowder.

Caps.

I love you.

The doors made so much noise. It was so embarrassing.

They had to carry him out. Is he all right? He's fine.

He's never ready.

They were going to the men's room, but would they make it in time?

Terry Crabtree and James Lear. Leave it to you to make that mistake. Wait here.

I need a ride.

I'm your man. There's an explanation.

Couldn't he have just thrown a shoe at the poor thing?

Antonia, listen.

Tony. Now that I'm home.

Tony, I'm sorry. Tonight didn't work out the way you'd hoped to with Terry.

Forget it. Your friend is just, I don't know, into collecting weird tricks.

I think you'd call it habit. I do get the feeling he's going through the motions a little bit.

You mean because his career is ruined and all?

Jesus, is that what he told you?

He said he hasn't had a success in over five years, and everyone in New York thinks he's kind of a loser. But he said he's sure your book's so good that he'll be able to keep his job. And you're not one of those writers who has a success and then freezes up and never has another one. You can turn here.

I gotta go.

I think I may have to rescue James Lear.

You know, Grady, maybe you should think about going home. You look like you need a little rescuing yourself.

How are you? Can I get a double tickle on the rocks, please?

I'm right over here at dinner.

Is that just beer?

Primarily.

Although I gather the two of you staged a little raid on the Crabtree Pharmacopia.

So, where is everybody?

Well, Sarah and Walter declined.

I guess they just want to go home and curl up on the couch at Poe.

Jesus, he's out.

He has a book.

I know. He started it in fall semester.

Finished it.

Winter break.

So, is he any good?

No, not yet here.

Well, I'm going to read it anyway.

Crabs, come on. He's one of my students for price sakes. Besides, I'm not sure if he's...

He is.

I'm sure. Take my word for it. I see myself in him.

Oh, I'm sure you do. But it's a little more complicated than that. Besides, he's a little scattered right now. He almost hit something really stupid tonight. I don't think he needs sexual confusion to mix up the stew a little more.

On the contrary, I think it might be just a ticket.

Double dickle on the rocks.

Cheers.

Oh, my goodness.

Do you see what I see?

Let's go.

You're first.

President of the James Brown Hair Club for Men. He's a boxer of flyweight.

No, no, no.

He's a jockey. His name is Curtis.

Curtis Hard Apple.

I'm not Curtis.

Okay, well, then burn it. Burn in Hard Apple.

The scars are from a horse. He fell during a race. He got trampled.

He's addicted to painkillers.

Yeah, he can't even piss it in enough.

But he lives with his mother.

That's right. He's got a younger brother who's a...

Who's a groom named Claudel, and his mother blames Vernon for Claudel's death.

Because.

Because...

Because...

Because why?

He was killed when a gangster named Freddy Nostrils tried to shoot his favorite horse. Claudel took the bullet himself. Vernon over there was in on the hit.

That was good.

Yeah, he heard everything we said.

I want you to dance with me.

So during the clip, Grady downs a sample bottle of whiskey and two rather large codeine tablets. James coughs up his single codeine tablet onto Grady's coat and then has to do some shooting of whiskey and the pain pill all over again. And the pill takes effect during the clip. As we hear, he starts losing his shit during the conference, and he can't control himself because he's on pills and booze. Given to him by a faculty member. I just want to point this out, everybody.

I mean, it's not responsible.

Also, when Antonio asks for a ride home, she is shown the dead dog by a guess accident when she needs to get her bag from the trunk so that she can change on the way to her house. I just wanted to point that out. She gets shown the dead dog by accident. Like, yeah, like he's just that dumb. Like for a professor, he's awfully stupid.

I think his mind is elsewhere. Well, yeah, he's not concentrating on anything.

Well, he's also mentally not doing well. Besides the fact that his wife left him, he hasn't been sleeping, he hasn't been able to finish this book. He's been slowly deteriorating writing this book for a while before we even meet him. We just are watching the final descent into rock bottom for this gentleman.

Yeah.

That's what's happening in this film. At the end of the clip, we also see the writers making up a story of a man across the way from them based on the way that he appears. James owns it with his final piece that we heard there of Vernon's made up backstory. And Hannah comes to drag Grady out onto the dance floor for a dance during a slow dancing blues song at the end of the clip. And that takes us roughly through the first third of the film.

This really doesn't usually work.

Right. So I mean, it's a really interesting setup because you think, well, how could it get any worse for this guy? Because you know he's just going to make it get worse. Yeah.

There's no way this does it. There's no getting better out of this. It's just going to get worse and worse.

Well, speaking of how it's only going to get worse, everybody strap in because the next third starts with Hannah being clearly into Grady while they're dancing. In our fourth clip.

So I've been rereading Arsonist's daughter. So beautiful, Grady. So natural. It's like all of your sentences always existed, just waiting up there in style heaven for you to fetch them down.

I thank you.

And I love the inscription you wrote to me. Only I'm not quite the Downey Innocent you think I am.

Well, that's not true.

We need all the Downey Innocents we can get.

What this boy could use is a nice whole Coca-Cola.

Here, let me help you.

No, we got them. We got them.

I'll meet you at the car.

Oh, I see. All right.

Well, give me the keys to the trunk.

Well, yeah, I got to get my property out of there.

The trunk's a little sticky. Perhaps I got to do it.

Whatever.

Professor.

Hey, Hannah, when you get James back to the apartment, make sure he's all right before you leave, okay?

I would if I knew where I was taking him.

Hannah, are you telling me you don't know where James Lear lives?

Some apartment somewhere. I've never seen it.

That strikes me as very odd.

Well, James is odd. I know his aunt lives in Spickly Heights. I dropped him there once. But come to think of it, it wasn't even his aunt's house. He said she worked there or something. I don't remember.

I remember in there, sir.

What's he saying?

His bag. You know that ugly green thing he's always carrying around? He must have left it inside.

Ah, shit. Left it for the auditorium.

Napsap!

All right, let him crash in my house.

Where should I put him?

The shape that he's in.

You can stand him up in the garage next to the snow shovels.

He'll be all right.

Great if you want to talk later. I'll be up.

Hey, guy.

Trev, the truck, you're killing me.

I'm gonna get it, all right?

You're killing me.

You driving this car?

Excuse me?

This is 1966 Maroon Ford Galaxy 500. You driving this car?

This is my car.

Bullshit! It's mine, motherfucker!

I'm afraid you're mistaken.

Bullshit!

Who is that?

Oh, Vernon, go home to your mother, will ya?

What are you looking at?

I'm looking at you, fella.

Get it, will ya? Come on, Killjoy, go. Can we go now, Dan Mother?

What's with you?

I wonder.

Come on, Krabs, the kid was comatose.

Who started that?

I'm trying to calm him down.

Oh, yeah?

You calmed it down, Dr. Fierce.

Grady!

Hit the brakes!

Hey!

What's his problem? Back up!

Go around, go around him.

I'm stopping you!

I don't think so! So, the guy that they were making up all that back story about, that they nicknamed Vernon Appletree or something like that, or Bad Apple or something like that, I can't remember what his last name was supposed to be. Turns out that he thinks that that Galaxy 500 that the current Michael Douglas character, Grady, is driving is actually his, and he's very upset about it and really seems like, yeah, that he's quite pissed, actually.

Yeah, he's quite angry. He's had better moods, I'm sure.

This leads into a sequence where they are chased by the guy that they're calling Vernon around the streets, who is trying to stop them from driving away, claiming once again that this is his car and not theirs. It culminates in Vernon popping in the hood with his ass and taking a bow to walk away immediately after he does it. They then cut from this to Grady driving back to the college to get James' bag. The janitor who lets him in to get the bag is none other than Alan Tudyk himself.

So there it was. Somewhere in the night, a Manhattan book editor was prowling the streets of Pittsburgh. Best selling author at his side. Dead dog in his trunk.

I say, Professor Tripp, is all that stuff true about Errol Flynn? How he used to put paprika on his dick? To make it, you know, like, more stimulating for the chick?

Christ, Jack, so how the hell should I know?

Are you reading his biography, are you?

Oh, no, it's true.

He used to rub all sorts of things on it. Salad dressing, ground lamb, sick. Whenever I wondered what Sarah saw in me, and I wondered more than once, I always came back to the fact that she loved to read. She read everything, every spare moment. She was a junkie for the printed word. And lucky for me, I manufactured her a drug of choice. Is that your wife?

No, my wife's out of town. But what exactly are we doing here, Professor Tripp? Taking the long way home. Take it easy, Professor Tripp.

Thanks for the ride.

Professor Tripp comes home to find James passed out on the couch in his writing office where he limps over to his desk and plops down. This is the quietest his surroundings and mind are before he notices that James has stolen the Marilyn Monroe coat from the Chancellor's house. Having discovered this, he puts the coat back and shuts out the light.

I told myself I needed to put everything aside for the moment, Emily, Sarah, the furloin jacket and the dead dog, and work on my book. It started out as a small book. Probably about 250, 300 pages. It had gotten a little larger in scope. In the ending, it kept getting further away. But the ending was there, I knew it. I could almost see it.

James, I'm okay, I just lost my balance.

I put you on the floor.

Oh, thank you.

I thought you might swallow your tongue or something. I guess you must really miss her, huh?

Oh, oh, this, no, no, I just write in this. This wasn't Emily's.

I guess there's probably a story behind that.

There is, but it's not very interesting.

Is all of that single space?

I'm afraid so, yeah.

That's a really big book you're writing.

Wow.

And I always swore you were working, but...

But?

Nothing.

It's just, it's been a while since Arsonist Daughter, and some people, some of the kids in workshop thought maybe you were...

Washed up?

Blocked.

Well, I don't believe in writer's block.

No kidding. You want me to get that?

Please, could you?

Glasses?

Thank you.

He didn't give his name.

Who?

The guy on the phone.

What did he want?

He wanted to know if a Grady Triplift here and drove a dark maroon 1966 Ford Galaxy 500 with black interior.

What did you tell him?

Yes.

Oh, good, James.

Well, I just thought maybe...

Good morning, boys.

Good morning, James.

Good morning. Take a shower.

Professor Triplift, how did I get here last night?

No one knows where you live, James, and I thought you'd like my couch.

And before that, did I do anything? I mean, did I do anything bad?

Well, James, you did shoot the head of the English department's dog and steal his most prized piece of memorabilia.

Oh, shit.

Do yourself a favor. Hi. Good morning.

Good morning.

Professor Tripp?

That's right.

I understand you attended an event at Sarah and Walter Gaskill's house last night.

Yeah, what's this all about anyway?

Somebody pulled a B&E on Dr. Gaskill's closet, and the dog's missing. I was just wondering if you saw someone who seemed suspicious, maybe.

I wouldn't say there was anybody particularly suspicious.

About this kid, student of yours, Lear, James Lear? You wouldn't happen to know how I could get in touch with him, would you?

I think I have his number on campus.

That's all right. We'll find him.

Morning.

You have a good one.

There you are. I thought we were going to talk.

Well, I was...

Professor Tripp? I heard what he said. What do we do now?

Just one minute.

Hello?

Ready?

Sarah?

Thank God you're there.

You won't believe what happened.

Could you hold on just a minute, honey?

May I ask you something, Professor Tripp?

Sure, James.

Where exactly are we going?

Well, there's a few things I gotta do today.

See my wife, the one that left you?

Yes, that's the one. Oh, no.

Son of a bitch.

You're bleeding, Professor Tripp.

No shit, James. So where exactly do you live, James? Apparently not even Hannah Green has a clue as to the location of your apartment.

I got kicked out. Well, not exactly kicked out. I was asked to leave.

I guess there's probably a story there.

There is, but it's not very interesting.

So where do you stay?

At the bus station. It's not so bad. I know the night janitor, and there's a broken locker I can put my stuff.

Jesus, James.

I mean, well, how long?

A couple of weeks. That's why, that's why I have the gun, for protection.

You should have told someone.

Who?

I don't know.

Me. James' story was the stuff of bad fiction, and under other circumstances, I might have wondered where the page ended with him and real life began, but I had other things on my mind. The Gaskell House looked deserted, which figured since WordFest was in full swing on campus.

What are we?

You gotta ease off on that stuff, James.

It's pretty acidic.

I can't help myself. I don't know what's the matter with me.

James, you're hungover. What do you think's the matter with you?

I'll be right back.

I knew I needed to have a heart to heart with Sarah, but until then, I just make a little gesture.

Feeling guilty? I can't believe you hung up on me, you dick.

Sarah, I am so sorry about this morning.

There was a lot going on.

Walter's a basket case. Someone stole Marilyn's jacket last night, and Poe's missing.

No, I heard. You heard?

How?

A 12-year-old policeman came by my house this morning.

Did you confess? Your fingerprints were all over the bedroom.

Really?

I was fast.

I'm joking. Hello?

All right.

All right.

All right.

Look, about last night, there's something I have to talk to you about.

Okay.

I...

I...

I want to be with you.

Gee, Grady, that sounded so heartfelt.

Oh, really, Sarah, I do. I... Honest, I...

I know. I believe you. I believe you want to be with me, but it's just not good enough.

I know that. I mean, I know what's at stake here.

No, I don't think you do. Besides, it doesn't matter. I haven't decided yet.

About the baby.

That and you. I'm not going to draw you a map, Grady. In times like these, you have to do your own navigating.

Why's your car over there?

And who's that sitting in it?

James Lear.

What's he doing here?

I'm sort of helping him through some issues.

Isn't he lucky?

She seemed to take it pretty well.

Yeah. Yeah, well, the moment didn't actually present itself. You feel like taking a ride, James?

Yes.

Humboldt County.

Maybe.

My father, he gets it from his doctor.

Black coma?

Colon cancer.

Jesus, James, well.

It's a bit of a scandal. My parents live in a small town.

Where's that?

Carvel.

Carvel?

Where's Carvel?

Outside Scranton.

I've never heard of it. It's a hell hole.

Three motels in a mannequin factory. My dad worked there for 35 years.

Your father worked in a mannequin factory?

Sites Plastics.

That's where I met my mom. She was a fry cook in the cafeteria. Before that, she'd been a dancer.

What kind of dancer?

Whatever kind they wanted her to be.

Didn't you say that your mom went to Catholic school?

Well, when we fall, we fall hard.

I thought you were the guy that didn't like to lose control of his emotions.

Maybe I just needed the moment to present itself.

James starts to partake in all forms of drugs now as he craves Grady's pot and is now smoking it. He actually kind of reached his hand out almost demanding a puff there, too.

It's about time it stops being a fucking nerd.

And that happens at the end of the clip there. They make it to Emily's parents' house and Grady is monologuing about how he fucked up by being a cheating piece of shit. So it's Michael Douglas delivering that dialogue. That's going to be our seventh clip.

Oh yeah.

I had come to the childhood home of my soon to be ex-wife to set things straight, to say something that would end things on the right note, to make Emily feel better about it all, or maybe to make me feel better. Truthfully, I wasn't really sure why I was there.

Someone jumped on your car with their butt.

How can you tell?

Well, you can see the outline of a butt. You want one? They're incredible. Incredible.

Smoke the rest of that joint, James. You can start chewing on the box.

Hey, maybe she didn't come here.

Hey, she came here. We'll just wait. In the meantime, I'm gonna need you to shimmy right through there. Relax, James. Emily hasn't used her keys since she was 15 years old. Besides, your hips aren't much bigger than hers.

Well, it's not that. It just reminded me of what's in the car. In the trunk?

Oh, right.

Let's try not to think about that, okay?

Thank you.

It feels really good in here.

Yeah, I know. It's the kind of house you like to wake up in on Christmas morning. I'll be right back. Make yourself at home. I'm gonna make a phone call.

With this, James starts scarfing down grandma candy from the candy dish on the table there, in front of the TV, and watching their TV, while Grady goes rifling through his soon-to-be ex-wife's childhood room.

Of course, because that makes sense.

James helps himself to the liquor cabinet, and Grady realizes he was never meant to really be with Emily with this inner dialogue thing that I just decided not to include. Grady makes a call to the chancellor from Emily's house, and James finds a Judy Garland movie to get into.

Not a good look.

They say hello to him. He just kind of coughs hello back, and they cut from this to our eighth clip.

Oh, it's infected.

I can clean it up, but then you need to see someone who knows what he's doing.

How we like some hot chocolate. Fresh go with it.

Nice, thank you.

He's one of your students, this boy?

Yeah, he's a good kid.

He's just a little messed up.

Oh, then I'm sure he'll be fine. With the proper guidance.

So where's Emily Hank?

I don't know if I should tell you that, Brady.

I don't want to stalk her.

I just want to tell her that I'm sorry.

I'm not trying to get her back.

Things haven't been right with us for a while.

Well, all I know is Emily felt you weren't there for her, that she's felt that for a long time, Brady. Right now, she's in Philadelphia visiting Linda Ashby. For Christ's sakes, they went to Wellesley together. Linda spent a week at your house.

Oh, Linda.

Oh, oh.

I haven't been sleeping a whole lot lately. I got my editor in town trying to finish my book.

Ah, right. The book. I hope it's really good, Brady. I'm having a really good time, Professor Tripp.

I'm really happy for you, James. Do me a favor, lay off my dope. That stuff's not for amateurs.

You're mad at me, aren't you? You're mad because I shot your girlfriend's dog.

It wasn't her dog.

It was her husband's. Who said anything about a girlfriend? Okay, James, I wish you hadn't shot my girlfriend's dog, even though Poe and I were not exactly what you call simpatico, that's no reason he should have taken two in the chest.

I don't know.

You just keep acting like a goddamn spook all the time, James.

I guess that explains why all the kids in Workshop hate me.

All the kids in Workshop hate you, because right now, you are ten times the writer any one of them will ever be.

My stuff stinks. You said so yourself last night to your friend Crabtree.

I didn't mean it like that. And what does it matter what I think? I mean, what does it matter what anybody thinks? Most people don't think, James. And if they do, it's not about writing books. They don't mean anything. Not to anybody. Not anymore.

Arsonist's daughter meant something. It meant something to me. It's the reason I came to school here, to be taught by you. It's one of the reasons I wanted to become a writer.

Well, for that, James, you have nothing else. I'm really sorry.

What are we doing?

I'm gonna get you a nice meal, a couple of cups of coffee, and I'm taking you home.

Take me now.

What?

I'm not hungry.

James, you gotta eat.

I'll get something out of the vending machine.

Vending machine? What are you talking about?

At the bus station, they have these cheese sandwiches. They're pretty good. It's better if you take me now. That way, Carl won't get my spot.

Carl?

Never mind.

James, go get us a table, will you? I'm not letting the most talented writer in my class eat some weak old cheese sandwich, okay? I'm not letting them sleep at some bench at a bus station. So go on inside. I'll be there in a minute. C-A-R-V-E-L. Yes, I'm sure, ma'am. It's outside of Scranton. You have no listing. Okay. Well, lady, as we speak, I am looking at a resident of Carvel, Pennsylvania.

You want a bite?

No, thanks.

That's why you're having them. They're spells.

Spells?

Jesus, James.

You should make it sound like we're in a Tennessee Williams play. I don't get spells.

What would you call them, then?

I don't know.

I just worry about you. That's all.

You just worry about yourself, okay?

Where are you going?

No worry. Just stay here and eat.

I'll be right back. Good evening.

Professor Tripp.

Grady.

Fred Lear. This is my wife, Amanda.

Well, looks like I dashed a wonderful evening here.

We were on our way to a benefit, but his luck would have it the club was on the way, so we were able to put in an appearance.

I just thought it would be good for James to be with his family this weekend.

Oh, well, of course we can understand that.

Right. Okay, I guess I'll go get James. I hope you don't find this forward, Amanda, but I wonder if I might ask, did you ever go to Catholic school?

Excuse me? I'm not going with them.

Things are a little weird for me right now, James.

Things are a little weird for me right now, too.

I know, but I got my editor in town, I got to finish my book, and there's some extenuating stuff.

I won't bother you, I won't even talk to you.

James, like it or not, those people out there are your parents.

They're not my parents.

What?

They're my grandparents, my parents are dead.

James, the man is obviously your father, you look just like him.

There's a reason for that.

I'll get out of here.

No, that's why she hates me, that's why she makes me sleep in the basement.

Crawl space with the rats in the cask of Amantillegos.

No, it's true, they treat me like a freak.

Well, you are a freak, James. All right, welcome to the club.

You don't understand, you don't know what it's like.

You're right, I don't. Don't expect me to feel sorry for you, all right? Because I don't know who you are. Let me ask you something, James. In the past 36 hours, have you told me one thing that's true, one thing that comes from you?

I just wanted to stay with you for a little while. That's all.

I'm a teacher, James. I'm not a holiday in.

I thank you, Professor Tripp.

It was an obvious setup that the professor would drop James off with his, I'm gonna call them legal guardians, because just like the professor points out, what do we know is even actually true about James at this point?

Yeah, James is a liar, so...

He's a compulsive liar at that. That's why he's such a good storyteller, because he can't tell the truth.

So, I mean, yeah, it's just gonna be one of those fucking things where you don't know what's the truth. It's, you know, is he a bastard son of these people? Like, I don't know, fucking Jesus.

So anyway, he's back with his legal guardians at this point. We did see him looking for a modicum of the truth by digging through James' bag and finding a number on the receipt for his school supplies. I think that's where we found that phone number.

I think so.

The end of the clip has the professor packing James away in the car with who may or may not be his grandparents. Again, we don't know, but they are his legal guardians.

Or his dad and grandmother, I guess. His dad slash grandpa. I don't know. I don't know.

His grandpa father.

Yeah, it's fucking weird.

Grady limps his way over to his car and is splashed by the Lear's car as they drive off for his trouble. Grady discovers James' bag and ends up smoking out and reading James' book by the light of a street lamp. That was the most gritty writer writing about writer stuff that I've seen.

Yeah, right. These gritty authors being gritty.

Yeah. I just like the idea of he's sitting in his fucking car that's all fucked up from that guy dropping his fucking ass on it. That sounds terrible everywhere it drives. Outside of the restaurant where he abandoned James, he's loitering in their parking lot, freezing his ass off, reading James' book, and smoking dope in a well lit parking lot. It's just fucking so gritty and kind of cool. And it's just about an author, you know? Yeah. No, no.

I mean, it's good shit.

The guy gives no fucks about anything.

So it's one of those early awk movies that is just depressing as shit, please.

He drives home and parks extremely illegally. He parks at an angle, sticking out into the street and in front of a fire hydrant at the same time.

Yeah.

He discovers his home has been turned into a raging house party by his editor and that his lodger is reading his book without his permission. He walks in on her while doing it in our ninth clip.

Uh, I know I shouldn't have, but it was just in the open and I couldn't resist it.

No, no, I just can't believe that I left it out like this. Is crab creeping in here? Has he been strooping around?

I don't know. Maybe. I don't think so.

Let's put this away.

Oh, shit.

No, um, don't go. I've been waiting the night for you.

I'm really flattered, honey, but this just isn't...

I'm sorry. You're gonna be roasting a teacher-student conference? No offense, Tripp. You're not exactly the most attentive host.

Well, you've been taking good care of that, huh, crabs?

Sometimes we have to improvise. Where the hell have you been? Anyway...

I took a drive with James Lear.

He popped the Chancellor's dog, didn't he?

What?

Yeah, at first the police thought he just ran away, but this afternoon Dr. Gaskell found blood spots on the carpet.

Oh, Jesus.

Most everyone figured it was an intruder, but right off, Terry said it sounded like something James would be messed up in.

Has anybody else come up with this brilliant deduction?

Not yet, but they will. It's just a matter of time.

Come on, you don't even know James.

Who does?

I do.

I do now.

I spent some time with him, and I read something of his.

His book?

Yeah.

You read his book?

Yes. Is it good?

It's good.

It's very, very good. It's...

it's true.

I knew it. So where's he now?

I sent him home with his parents.

What?

His parents?

Why?

Why did you do it for?

Because under the circumstances, I thought it was the best thing for him. But I'm beginning to think maybe it was the best thing for me. I just...

I wasn't there for him.

Imagine that.

Hannah, don't you remember where you took James that day? Was it his aunt's?

Yes.

I told you, Swickley Heights.

What was the address?

I don't know. He had me drop him on a corner.

Call the University, I'm sure they know where he lives.

A little late to call admissions.

It's a little late to call the Chancellor.

I don't know, baby.

God, you really just made an awful, stinky little mess of everything, haven't you?

Who's that?

It.

Do not even think about it.

Don't go there. No, no, no.

Never without your permission, but that's a lot of books.

262 Baxter Drive. They're in the book.

I'll drive.

I'll drive.

A love parade.

I got a feeling about this trip.

Look, I feel this kid in my bones.

Only in your bones.

I've had this feeling before.

Remember?

It's been a long time, but...

How bad is it for you, Krabs?

It's pretty bad.

Bad enough for me.

They look at me like I don't work there anymore. I guess I just don't fit the new corporate profile.

Which is?

Oh, kind of some......competence.

Out on the highway.

This is it.

I had no business trudging up to James Lear's parents' house in the middle of the night, not when all that really mattered was trying to make things right with Sarah. But we had decided to rescue James Lear. I wasn't quite sure from what, because I was pretty much convinced that everything that came out of James' mouth was basically horse shit.

Yikes.

It must be two dozen windows.

How are we supposed to find his?

I told you that he can't be chained in the basement. But maybe that didn't really matter. Sometimes people just need to be rescued. Rodgers and Hart? Yeah. James Lear.

Hey, what are you guys doing here?

We're springing in, Jimmy.

We're putting on some buzz.

Oh, I love what you've done with the place.

When's Captain Nemo moving in?

I cannot believe that you made fun of my bathroom.

Candelabras from my great-grandmother.

Please don't start with a family history, all right? I'll leave you right here.

I just want you to know, I heard everything about the parents and grandparents and the whole Chinatown thing.

I believe you.

That's why we're here. Go get dressed.

I mean, do you mind if I wear this again, Professor Tripp?

Wear whatever you want to.

He's so modest.

So sensi.

Tripp, why don't you go to get some plaque?

These are all overdue library books. Every one of them.

It looks like our Mr. Lear is facing some monster late fees.

I just can't believe all the shit he spins. Just once. I like to know little bastards telling the truth.

Hey, check this out. Finally, the door opened. It was a shock to see him shuffling into the room like an aging prizefighter limping, beaten. Does this sound like anyone we know? But it was later when the great man squinted into the bitter glow of twilight. The glow of twilight. This kid definitely needs an editor. And muttered simply, It means nothing, all of it, nothing, that the true shock came. It was then that the boy understood that his hero's true injuries lay in a darker place. His heart.

His heart what?

His heart, once capable of inspiring others so completely, could no longer inspire so much as itself. It beat now only out of habit. It beat now only because it could.

I'm ready. You all right, Professor Tripp?

He's fine, James. Now, can we go before Granny comes down here and boils her bones for breakfast?

That could be a problem. She's been coming down here every half hour or so to check up on me, and if I'm not here, she might call the police or something.

Okay, Decoy, we'll put a couple of your pillows and a little teddy bear under the spread. She won't know the difference.

Well, I can against all flags, only they used a couple of gigantic hams.

No, no, no, no, I got a better idea.

Again, they just keep making everything worse for themselves as they go.

Yeah, all the time.

What I mean by that is with that, they tuck the Chancellor's dead fucking dog into James' bed, and that takes us well over the middle third of the film, and we will have only 32 minutes left for a run to the end of the film after this break.

Yeah, it's just a lot of bad decisions. Everyone's making them.

It's primarily Michael Douglas' character of Grady, like Robert Downey Jr.'s character, like we said last week, he is literally just like Derek grown up and just much worse. Crabtree is just chaos and sheer dumb luck. That's what he operates on. He even says as an editor, he hung all of his would-be glory and thing that's keeping him employed with being Grady's editor.

But our voices are going to get any higher here.

It's really uncomfortable. Like at the same time, like James is a compulsive liar and he's manipulating all of them. So like maybe this is just his way of trying to get published.

I think so.

I don't know. Like, it's so hard to tell. And that's the thing that keeps me rewatching this movie because I'm like everybody's motivation is dubious and everybody's on way too many fucking pills to be driving, yet they keep driving.

And everyone's driving under the influence. And everyone's gotten motives.

Michael Douglas' character is constantly more stoned than even what I am comfortable with. Right?

This is right.

He's more high than me on a weekend when I don't have to work for three days.

Listen, I do wrong. I like to get fucked up.

But yeah, he's taking two giant codeins and chasing them down with like an airport bottle of fucking whiskey. Like he's very clearly not dealing with some things, including his writing issues and like his marriage falling apart and the fact that he's in love with his boss's wife and all of that kind of stuff. He's been numbing himself for a while, and he wonders why he's that fainting spells because he's also not eating.

Yeah, exactly.

Gee, I wonder what's wrong with him. You know what I mean?

Yeah, right. All right.

You ready to do the run to the end of this?

Let's hit it.

All right. So they make it back to Grady's Trashed and Empty House and Crabtree lures James upstairs for some laughter and fun times. That could mean the two of them possibly getting all sexy because that's definitely what Crabtree has on his mind. And James seems kind of interested in it, too. Grady finds Hannah passed out in what may be his bed with his book and goes outside to smoke up and attempts to make a phone call while a van drives past his house. All suspicious.

You have reached the home of Sarah and Walter Gaskell.

Neither Walter or I can take your...

Hello? Walter? Grady?

Oh, Christ, Grady.

Do you know what time it is?

Yeah. I got 8.15. I don't think that's right, though.

It's 3.30.

Grady? Well, this is important, Walter.

Oh?

I, um...

What is it, Grady?

I'm in love with your wife. Excuse me? Sarah. I'm in love with her. Are you drinking, Professor Tripp, right now?

No.

Nevertheless, I'd like to see you in my office.

Monday morning.

After this, the film cuts to what Daylight reveals to be an even bigger mess left behind in Grady's house, as Grady struggles to write, and Sarah arrives at his house in our eleventh clip.

I tried to call, but it seems there's something wrong with your phone. It appears one of our students is missing, and his parents found a dead dog in his bed.

It's my fault. I'm sorry. I've been trying to tell you that...

I'm not feeling very happy with you right now. And more importantly, Walter isn't very happy, and he's gotten the police involved. They seem to think James Lear is somehow responsible for all this. You wouldn't happen to know where James Lear is, would you?

He's inside.

And Marilyn's jacket?

It's in my car.

Somebody stole my car.

Oh, man!

Honestly, somebody stole my car. I parked it right there last night.

Are you sure it was parked right there?

Of course I'm sure. Oh, Christ, here comes the puberty police now.

Okay, okay, I'll deal with this. You go dig up James.

Is he awake? There's a police officer on the porch and he's not going away.

The same guy?

The same one.

No offense, Professor Tripp, but you look sort of crappy.

He's right.

I mean, you do look horrible.

It's the Chancellor.

We're fine. We're just fine.

Fine, right. If it is a fucking fiddle.

James, come on.

James, this book of yours, it's...

Not bad.

It's not bad at all.

Thank you.

I'm going to publish this.

I think with the proper editorial guidance, this could be brilliant.

Oh, that's great. That's great. Between Officer Pubchick and you, he can be the next Jean Genet. Been a long time since somebody wrote a really good book in jail. Don't you worry, James. We're going to figure something out.

I'm not worried. You're not worried, are you, Professor Tripp?

I'm a little worried, James.

Don't be.

I don't care if they expel me. I probably should be expelled.

Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

Professor Tripp?

Yes, James?

Even if I end up going to jail, you're still the best teacher I ever had.

I wonder if this is what the university has in mind when it promises a liberal education.

Walter wouldn't really press charges, would he?

We'll know soon enough. In a couple of hours, he's going to sit down with the police and James' parents. And if he was a wee bit quickly this morning. You didn't happen to call our house last night, did you?

I think I might have, yes.

What do you think you might have said?

I think I might have said I was in love with you.

I told you.

You told me.

Well, what did you say?

I said it didn't sound like you.

Oh, snap, it's a good thing that it was raining, because that had to hide some tears for sure.

Yeah, no shit.

It didn't sound like you, god damn.

Oh, blooded.

With that, Sarah drives off after the pigs haul James away. Grady and Crabtree devise a plan to get the jacket back by borrowing Hannah's car, and that leads to more dialogue in our twelfth clip.

Sure, keys are on the desk next to your book. I didn't finish, I fell asleep.

Oh, is that good?

It's not that, it's just...

It's just...

Grady, you know how in class, how you're always telling us that writers make choices. And even though your book is really beautiful, I mean, amazingly beautiful, it's at times, it's very detailed. You know, the genealogies of everyone's horses and the dental records and so on. And I could be wrong, but it just, it sort of reads in places, like, you didn't really make any choices at all.

Well, thank you for the thought. But shocking as it may sound, I am not the first writer to sip a little weed. Furthermore, it might surprise you to know that one book I wrote, as you say, under the influence, just happened to win a little something called the Penn Award, which, by the way, I accepted under the influence.

With that, Grady gathers up his manuscript of his book, and Hanna loses a bit of respect for him visibly, as he doesn't.

Yeah.

She no longer views him as whatever ideal writer he may have been to her. He is certainly not that malo at all.

No, no, she's, she's, the rose-colored glasses have come off.

Crabtree tries to touch the book and is denied access to it. They get into Hanna's car with it for some reason and head out in our next clip.

Okay, I'll try. Let me get this straight. Jerry Nathan owes you money, so it's collateral he gives you his car.

Only I'm beginning to think that the car wasn't exactly Jerry's to give.

Ah, so whose car was it?

I guess Vernon Hart Apple.

The hood jumper?

He said a few things that lead me to believe that the car was his.

Such as?

That's my car, motherfucker.

All right, so we find Vernon, we find the car, we find the car, we find the jacket.

Wow.

How did you know, Trev?

Oh, I don't know.

Let's just call it a hunch.

I call it genius.

Good to know I'm still talented.

Something.

Careful.

Keep that motor running here.

They find the car and Grady gets out to try to get the Maryland jacket in the car. He finds James' bag and gets into the car to go rifling through the bag. He gets his weed out of the glove box and starts looking at the gun he got from James and passes out again to wake up to Ula saying hello and Vernon pulling a gun on him.

Take it back, shoot them.

Naturally, you have copies.

I have an alternate version of the first chapter.

You'll be all right then. Look at Carlisle when he lost his luggage.

That was McCauley.

Oh, well, what about Henningway when Hadley lost all those stories?

He was never able to reproduce them.

Look, Tripp, I don't want to depreciate the loss. But maybe, you know, in a sense, it's for the best.

You're suggesting it's some kind of sign?

In a sense.

My experience, signs are usually a little more subtle.

Let me get this straight. All that paper that blew away back there, that was the only copy?

I'm afraid so, yes.

And you? You're saying that it's some kind of a sign? Man, what the fuck the matter with you? Don't.

All I'm saying is that sometimes, subconsciously, a person will put themselves in a situation, perhaps even create that situation, in order to have an arena in which to work out an unresolved issue. It's a covert way, if you will, of addressing a problem.

I'll tell you the problem. You behind the wheel, there's your problem.

Excuse me, did you or did you not have a gun to his head?

Watch the road, B. He was trying to steal my car.

I'm asking you a question, did you or did you not have a gun to his head?

Can't you get me?

That is enough. The ride is done.

It's done. I don't want to hear about it anymore, okay?

So what was it about?

Your book.

What was the story?

I don't know.

What he means is it's difficult to distill the essence of a book sometimes because it lives in the mind.

But you got to know what it was about, right? If you didn't know what it was about, why were you writing it?

I couldn't stop you.

Vernon, can I ask you a question, boy or girl?

As long as it looks like her, I really don't care. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Thanks for the ride, Vernon.

Anytime. And another thing.

Yeah?

Stop calling me Vernon.

Okay.

Jacket trip.

What?

We need the jacket.

Oh, right. Oola, about that jacket.

Yeah.

It used to belong to Marilyn Monroe.

Really?

She had small shoulders, just like you.

A lot of people don't know that.

Thank you.

Man, that book of yours must have been one nutty ride. Come on, Veevon, let's go.

Would you mind explaining to me what you just did?

Came to my census.

Oh, congratulations.

Meanwhile, what's James supposed to do?

Pray that Walter Gaskell comes to his?

Walter Gaskell doesn't want to send James later to jail. He's up in his office right now. He's talking to his parents, local police, trying to find a solution.

A trip the least they're going to do is expel him.

It doesn't matter.

It's a very enlightened professor. It's comforting to know that America's children have you for a teacher.

Nobody teaches a writer anything. You tell them what you know, you tell them to find their voice and stay with it, you tell the ones that have it to keep at it, you tell the ones that don't have it to keep at it, too, because that's the only way they're going to get to where they're going. Of course, it does help if you know where you want to go. Oh, helping my students figure that out. That and Sarah. That's what's made these last years worthwhile.

Me?

What can I do?

Oh, I don't know, Krabs. Improvise. You're pretty good at that.

Trep. Sorry.

With this, Grady limps off, leaving Crabtree alone to clean up that mess. Grady monologues about how he has to do whatever it takes to win over Sarah again. The film then cuts from this to the auditorium with announcements and our 15th clip.

And now, as those of you who have been with us in previous years know, we have a tradition of sorts here at WordFest. I'm speaking, of course, of the Plums, those fortunate local writers who have successfully placed their manuscripts with visiting publishers' representative. This weekend, Susan Lowry of North Braddock found a publisher for her children's book, The Loneliest Prawn. Stand up, Susan.

Love Parade.

And finally, and perhaps not least importantly, Terry Crabtree of Bartisan has also decided to publish my own book, A Critical Exploration of the Union of Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe and Its Function in American Mythopoetics, which tentatively I have entitled The Last American Marriage. So until next year, thank you everyone.

I took another look at the Ornstein's daughter the other night. That description of all Cyprus left me breathless.

Thanks Q, I appreciate that.

First of all, no, eagle-eyed viewers who are now our listeners. You were not mistaken. That was in fact Mack from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, sitting next to Hannah during the scenes with James taking a bow. That is in fact Mack that was sitting there.

That's hilarious.

I also had to include that little bit of ripped-torn talking at the very end about Grady's book, because ripped-torn has the greatest name in show business, and he has to be on the show.

Yeah, ripped-torn was awesome. God rest his soul.

At the end of the clip, Grady is desperate to get to Sarah. As he mentioned, he needs to get to her to try to make things right with her before she gets fully away, and he is delayed by the multiple things, including ripped-torn at the end of the clip there. He makes it up a staircase and shouts her name before reaching into his pocket and looking at his weed stash. He sees the janitor that gave him a ride and asks him if he gets high.

Holy shit.

Are you serious?

Careful there, Professor Tripp.

Whoa.

I didn't fall. Not then, not ever again. Once the Monongahela River swallowed my never-ending opus, there were no more spells. James Lear didn't get expelled or go to jail thanks to Crabtree's wheeling and dealing, but he could anyway, went to New York to rework his novel for publication. Hannah Green has decided to take a position as a junior editor when she graduates, and Crabtree, well, Crabtree's gone right on being Crabtree. As for me, I lost everything.

And now I had someone to help me get there.

We see at the end of the clip that Sarah drives up to the house, he is writing in and that their child is with her, and he states just as she's arriving about finding the person to get him where he wants to go, and then they roll those fucking credits.

Cinema Siloops.

Ten! Years!

What a story, man. Like, just... Yeah.

Really.

You kind of think that they were going to go for the Ultram mega unhappy ending where he's going to follow his death on to the janitor and that's it, you know?

Yeah.

Everybody else's life has worked out, and then he just basically exits stage left, and then maybe the chancellor can reconcile with her husband and raise his child. Because it seems like all he cares about is now his book is getting published. Like, he really doesn't even seem all that concerned about his wife at all, you know?

Oh yeah, he really doesn't.

Like, I mean, it's obvious that if he doesn't know, it's because he does not care enough to know about what's going on with his wife, because she's not exactly trying to hide it at all. Like, it's like the worst kept secret on campus, apparently, and the only person that doesn't know is fucking John Boy there.

Yeah. So I don't know, man. But yeah, I mean, they gave everyone kind of a happy ending in a weird sense.

It wraps it up like you find out that, you know, Hannah moves on and becomes an editor, and she's going to be a thumping good one. I'd wager. Turns out James just ended up dropping out instead of getting kicked out of school, so he could go write more books because he's going to be published. I mean, why go to school to become a published author when you can just become a published author because you are now a published author?

Yes, exactly. No reason to waste the money.

Right. And like Grady was telling him, he's already 10 times the writer than any of his other students will even be. So, I mean, he doesn't really need to get further educated apparently.

Yeah, no, he does not.

So overall, love this film. Absolutely. I'm so stoked to actually get to talk about it because this is definitely a film that we would normally never do on the show. It's just not the sort of thing we would do.

Well acted, a lot of great actors and actresses.

Yeah, the performances alone in this are terrific. The writing is really well done. I love the dialogue. Very quippy, you know. The twists and turns.

Top notch writing, yep.

Yeah, the twists and turns that end up happening where it just keeps escalating with more and more horrible things and he just keeps digging himself deeper into trouble and getting more fucked up and not dealing with it. It rivals the big Lebowski for how much danger the dude puts himself in.

Yeah, right?

I mean, it gets really fucking close.

If we're being a smart man, he makes some stupid ass decisions.

Right, like accepting a car from somebody that owes him money without making sure that the guy fully owns the car. You know, yeah, like he's just with a dead dog in the bed to be a person. Right, like that seems like a threat, does it not?

Yeah, totally.

Or something like something that their child, who is very clearly disturbed, James has done. And it also seems like a threat, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, they just, they make a lot of bad choices, they do a lot of bad things, and they get really, really high and fucking drunk.

Yeah, then you remember he's high almost all the time. So maybe his bad choices isn't because he's dumb, but it's because he's fucking so high.

Yeah, and I think that the whole symbolism of him throwing the weed away to the janitor and then moving on with his life to try and get Sarah, it's the symbolism of him finally trying to grow up and get clean, which kinda is a very unhappy ending to those of us that refuse to grow up and get clean.

Yeah, cuz who needs that?

All right, why don't we take the break here? We'll go ahead and play from Clarence Carter, the song Slip Away, which was on the soundtrack for Wonder Boys. When we come back, I'll come up with something for some kind of a fucking story time. Clarence Carter with Slip Away, that was beautiful. I really, really dug that song.

Mm-hmm, that was nice.

I don't know if this will work or not, but I think I'll figure out a way to fit it in for the film, for the story time.

Storytime.

Okay, so, it was roughly around the fall to early winter, or maybe the end of winter to early spring. I can't remember 100% because it's been like over 20 years now. But it was essentially the weather that was occurring in this film, right, is what was going on.

Not knowing what life is going to throw at you.

Right. And then having this movie where this, you know, adult who is, you know, supposed to have his shit figured out, that this college professor, that's even more of a mess and just, you know, trying to figure out what his relationship should be and where his life should be and, like, you know, not having any of those decisions. And us being basically the age of James at the time, you know, I was like, can I get a fucked up guru to help me navigate my life here in the future?

Like, yeah, right.

Like what's happening here with Michael Douglas? Anyone? Anyone? No. OK, guess no. All right.

Thanks a lot.

Coincidentally, in case anyone was wondering how that story ended, I'm living in Omaha with a woman that is now my wife. So, yeah, so you got to figure it out. Yeah. So far, it's a happy ending. Knock on wood. You know, I haven't driven her so crazy yet, so we'll see. But that's my story time of how this film came into my life and why it has such a special place in my heart, besides being a film that I really enjoy and I think is great.

There you go.

All right.

Sounds good.

Why don't we take the break here? We'll play the show Housekeeping.

Let this up so I can go and die.

And when we come back after the show Housekeeping on the Pirate Radio Edit, we will have Neil Young with the song Old Man immediately following the cast. If you've decided you can't get enough of the show and would like to check out more of it, we're available at legionpodcasts.com. Just do a quick search for CinemaSciOps, or just enter this entire URL into your browser, www.legionpodcasts.com/ cinemadashsciopsdashpodcast.

As hard as it is to believe, they used to say before the things that the mark of a chef's ability and skill could be summarized by their ability to cook eggs. They used to say that all the pleats in a chef's hat represented a different way to prepare eggs. I know that sounds insane, but you have to remember this is a time when eggs still came in shells, and that you could identify an avian species just by sight. You didn't need a retina orb 3000 to be able to pick them out.

Yeah, yeah, scoop it up.

Yeah, the blisters on your fingers will be fine. Just suck them off. It'll give you a little extra protein. It's fine. We're just going to cover that up, make sure it's not disturbed. And we're going to come back in about two, three weeks. And what we're going to find when we dig up, we're not going to dig up where the egg itself was. We're going to make a perimeter rim, just like this, about 20 feet circumference around where we bury the egg.

Ah, Neil Young was featured in there, and I think that the lyrical content actually kind of works really well in conjunction with what was going on with James trying to figure out his life and begging Michael Douglas' character, Grady, for help with that.

Yeah.

Well, if you're out there thinking that I'm getting way too pretentious about a fucking song written by Neil Young, you're absolutely right. But I invite you to create your own theories about the song Things Have Changed from Bob Dylan that is now featured on our Pirate Radio Edit while you kick the fuck out of this week and make it your bit.

Recording in progress.

All right, so I got a shit ton of clips. I obviously don't need to play all of them. Some of them are actually pretty long. Had you seen this movie before we did it now?

No, I had not.

Okay.

I've heard of it. I think I may have seen scenes of it, but...

This is the first time you've watched it, watched it?

Correct.

Okay. If you don't feel too lost as to where we're at, I might skip around in some of the clips just to save us some time. So I'm not keeping you on the line for too awful long and all that. And then also, just as a way to make sure that your brain is functioning after the header, I'm going to tease it a little bit and keep asking you questions with this. So it's two purposes, to keep an ear out on you and then to also get the show done. Sound good. All right. All right.

Yes.

Yeah, we're recording here and there. All right. Again, no theme song. So three, two, one. Okay. You responded. Just once. I was about to check in. Yeah. You doing all right? No, I'm here. Okay. Cool. And create your own theories about the song Things Have Changed from Bob Dylan, that is now featured on our Pirate Radio Edit, while you kick the fuck out of this week, and make it your bitch. All right, we don't have to play all of that, we can let you go.

All right, man.

All right. Let me go ahead and stop this recording.

Recording stopped.