Hello, and welcome to the 459th consecutive week of Cinema PSYOPS. I'm your host, Cort, the guy that records shows out of order and doesn't even give a shit if it fucks them up. And joining me in that lack of concern or care is my co-host, Matt.
I don't even know how to count, I don't care. Fuck math. This is gonna be, what has it ever done for me? It's made me feel sad.
Math has made a lot of things happen, like made it so bankers can calculate how deep in debt we all are.
Yeah, I don't like it. I don't know why people have to be a bunch of assholes.
Math also helps you calculate how much volume of water you need to remove from your patio to keep your house from flooding, and then how much pipe you will need in order for that to take place, how much rock you will need to support and protect that pipe and keep it from being crushed, the largest size of drain basin you can get away with, and then also the various prices that you need to be able to afford to do all of that with.
Jesus.
I'm just basically describing all the math that I've been doing this weekend. I got a drainage issue that I got to deal with.
Yeah, this shit sucks, man.
I calculated exactly how much it would cost me to have a landscaper or someone else dig that out and put that in, and I'm going to do it myself. I don't care if it takes me that much longer.
Why not? They're doing more shit all by yourself.
Yeah, I mean, Jesus Christ did. It's like pay somebody three or four grand to do this or do it myself for about 500. And then the amount of time it takes me to dig it out.
Oh, yeah. Jesus Christ.
Which I mean, I've done that for a living before. You knew that. I thought you knew that about me. My first job that I got out of high school after I graduated, because I had many other jobs and did other types of work while in high school. But my summer job that I got after I graduated high school, I was a heating, plumbing and HVAC apprentice. But what I did a lot was dig ditches for pipes. As a plumbing assistant, there was a lot of drainage stuff that needed to be done.
And I had to do a lot of hand digging and tamping and all of that kind of stuff. But at the same time, I also learned a lot about how to do drainage. So there you go. Yeah.
That's nice.
Yeah. And I thought to myself while I was doing this as an 18 year old, I'm never going to fucking use this. Guess what? Me as a 44 year old man is trying to figure out and remember all the stuff that he learned back then so that he can now use that knowledge to his benefit and save himself $2,500-ish.
Right? Well, I just get mad at math teachers who always just say, you'll never have a calculator in your pocket. Bitch, you tell the future then, because I definitely do have a fucking supercomputer in my pocket now all the time.
I had a teacher in high school that hated computers that used mice. He hated the fact that mice were a thing that people started using. Said, you're running a program to run a program to run a program. You should just use your keyboard to run the program.
I mean, that's Jesus to hate mice. Come on, man. That's a lot.
Right? It's like really...
You're really nitpicking at this point of something to hate.
Not only to hate mice, but to hate mice in the 90s at that point. When they're starting to become ubiquitous at that point.
They were all over the place.
I mean... Just weird. Why are we wasting all of this time? Because the movie that we're talking about this week, Blazing Stewardesses, other than the tits, disappointment, more or less.
Yeah, pretty much.
There's some things in it where it's really trying to have fun with us, and it feels like they're trying... Like it's Adamson trying to do his own version of a carry-on kind of film, like that British sex comedy series, The Carry-on, Screaming, or whatever. I know Carry-on Screaming is horror, but... That series of film, or that type of film, or even a Benny Hill kind of like... Yackety Sax chasing each other around, playing a little grab-ass. That's what's going on in this movie.
Right, yeah, and it's not good. It's not terrible.
It's a swing and a miss.
Right, but there's a lot of boobs in it at least. And then also, moving forward from Dracula vs. Frankenstein is still something that I recommend, because even though the movies may be a miss, there's still at least boobs in it, and there's some parts that actually are entertaining. My movie was about an hour and 38 minutes. I did it in three blocks like I've been doing, so it's 30, 60, and then the 98 minute is the last segment that we're going to be doing. I got like 18 clips.
They're not all long, but pretty much all dialogue was turned into a clip, because look, if I had to go through it, it's going to become everyone's problem the minute a clip has to happen.
Yeah, that's what I did with my movie. I clipped almost all the dialogue.
Yeah, you know, I think they kind of...
I had to do it.
I think they expect us to do that at this point in the show, right? Yeah. They just expect us to cop out, right? Like, that's the Cinema PSYOPS. They make weekly releases by copping out. Mm-hmm.
Cops out, motherfuckers.
Come on. All right, enough talk about fucking cops. Let's actually go ahead and get started. We're going to talk about Blazing Stewardess from 1975. As we've been doing for the last few weeks, we're just going to keep going for the next couple of weeks. Song's released in 1975 for my movie and Matt's movie as well, because it was also released in 1975. So, up first on the Pirate Radio Edit is ZZ Top with the song Tush released in 1975. Before that, we're going to have our Legion Patreon ad.
This will keep you quiet. Oh, hi there. I didn't see you. You called me cutting a new show. I'm Bo Ransdell, and I'm one of the many creators you can find on Legion Podcasts. I said quiet! My fellow podcasters and I work hard to bring you the best in horror podcasting, but that comes at a cost. Not that, but also yes. No, what I'm getting at is that there are server costs, costs for good microphones and software for editing, all the things that make our shows, you know, fun to listen to.
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Oh, man, I hate to come in on one of Billy Gibbon's solos, but I mean, come on.
I know. That was some good shit too.
Yeah, fuck, that is one of my favorite fucking ZZ Tom songs.
Yeah, that's a fucking, that's a decent tune right there.
The thing that's not decent is what we have to interrupt it with, and that's 1975's Blazing Stewart.
Yeah, well, this is all your fault. You get on this one, all right?
Yeah, I freely admit it. I'm the one that bought this box set. I get it. You can punish me all you want for that. I admit it.
But I think you're punishing yourself enough by having to do this review.
So the first 30 minutes of Blazing Stewardesses starts with a photo clip because they put it on screen and I'm not writing this down. It starts with a dedicated to the screens, unsung directors, performers and stuntmen of a bygone era when movies entertained with simplicity and the world forgot its cares. I don't know what the fuck that means, but I would not dedicate this particular film to whatever that's supposed to represent.
To anyone.
Alright, the film opens after that on a star-studded credit sequence, by which I mean each actor is shown in a star cutout with footage of them from the film. This then transitions into cartoon music as a bad animation of a woman in a bikini pops up on screen and then changes to what I assume is another woman representative of the titular characters, the Blazing Stewardesses, running from a cartoon stampede.
And this continues to pad out the opening run time with more credits and this animation over even more overly dramatically changing library music needle drops. And then, after we hit the 3 minute 30 second-ish mark, there is finally live action shots of the Los Angeles Zoo as two of the titular characters indulge in a low-budget tour of the zoo meant to pad out the film and, quote-unquote, establish characters, I guess?
Yeah, I mean, I suppose that's probably the best way to put it.
The ladies snap photos of each other, then dialogue hits, and now it's everyone's fucking problem in our first clip.
To see places and people? Right, Lauren. That reminds me, I got to go back to my apartment and get ready for my next flight. And I want to get a birthday present for my boyfriend, Chuck. The guy, Lauren. Let me drop you off at Olvera Street. You can get a real nice present there.
Jesus fucking Christ.
That's just fucking brutal stuff, man.
Yeah. It's throughout the whole film, folks. So strap the fuck in.
Matter of fact, we had to go through it. So do you.
Yeah. Matter of fact, I'm going to pause here for a hit before I move on after that. Jesus fucking Christ. I got to center myself. This leads to our main stewardess. We were following at the zoo, shopping in a travelogue group of shots at a market set to a mid-paced 70s soft rock love song. This goes on to pad out the runtime as she buys a gift. It cuts to her arriving by taxi to the airport, still set to that mid-paced 70s soft rock love song.
Of course it would, because I mean, that's just, it's soft rock. Love songs. I mean, it makes you feel good.
This awfulness ends with a cut to a woman tongue-punching someone's toes. There is dialogue, so now it's everyone else's fucking problem and our second clip.
This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home, this little piggy had roast beef, this little piggy had none, and this little piggy went all the way home.
Hey, let's try something different tonight.
What do you want me to do? Stand on my head? Okay, it may not be my thing, but I do have to give Adamson some credit for portraying this as just a normal thing between a couple, where she is literally licking in between his toes while doing that. This little piggy went to the market.
That's not my thing either. I don't fuck around with feet, man.
I don't have a problem with feet, but the fact that she was putting her tongue in between his toes and doing that, this little piggy goes to the market, is just a little bit more kinky than I'm willing to be into, because it brings in a childhood thing that feels not right to me. It's not the tongue in the toes that I have a problem with, it's the putting a child nursery rhyme to it that feels kind of like it infantileizes the act and feels a little unhealthy.
Not judging, just saying to me that that makes me feel uncomfortable, and maybe that's my baggage.
Yeah, I'm not in defeat at all, and I don't judge either, whatever, you guys are going to do what you're going to do, but it ain't for me.
Right, okay, well, after that, it cuts to them fucking standing on their heads.
Because, yeah, that's what they said.
Yeah, it is every bit as odd and off putting as you would expect, but there is nudity, so thank you movie.
I guess.
It cuts from this to the main stewardess from the beginning, arriving home to her apartment. Then we get a shot that shows us all the way up to an actress's heaven's gate with a dude covered by a bedsheet as they ride around on a bed making semi sex noises and he gets on top to pump away. But during those sequences where you see all the way up, I saw everything.
Sure did, pal. Sure did.
I honestly can't even tell if this is the couple that fucked upside down or not, and the dude goes whistling in the dark while I'm pondering that and distracts the living shit out of me.
Yeah, he's whistling Dixie over here.
And the lady under him has her tits out and being fondled. That is definitely a thank you movie. This is all consensual sex that's going on.
Yeah, everyone seems to be having a good time.
The main stewardess arrives home via taxi, and we see he was fucking someone else while she was gone, and Debbie, I guess, is her name because he shouts at a whole bunch. In the dialogue, that is now everyone's fucking problem and our third clip.
Chuck, you here?
Debbie, wait!
Debbie, wait a minute! Stick this with the rest of them! It's Ben Brewster. It's Ben. Ben Brewster. How are you?
Look, Ben, this is a bad time to call. Do you think you could call me later, please?
Now, look, Debbie, this is strictly business, nothing personal. I've got a charter coming out to my ranch. Now, if you and your friends are free, I'll work the flight for good money and a two-week vacation on the house. Hey, that really sounds like a good idea, Ben. I'd like to thank you. I got a call from an old friend of mine. He's invited me and a couple of friends for a free two-week vacation at his dude ranch. Yes, but he wants us to look a junket flight. He's putting in a gambling casino.
That's naughty.
Be at the Mountain Airline counter at eight tonight. Now, Lori, I want you to be good. Promise? Okay, I'll see you at the airport.
Oh, my God.
Jesus fucking Christ.
It's worse reliving it a second time.
Yeah, imagine having to edit the clips, man. I need another fucking hit before I move on.
Do it.
All right, the film cuts to a sequence of about a half dozen guys barreling through the desert on horseback with ski masks on and guns. They rough up a cow hand after asking if he works for the fucking silver dollar ranch or whatever the fucking place this is. And then it cuts from that to another rustler getting jumped by two more heavies. They end up in a shootout, and he gets gunned down because he works at the same fucking ranch, I guess.
And this then cuts to the dirty half dozen on horseback again, and then cuts to a dude that looks like David Crosby tending a fire, and he gets jumped by the ski mask thugs. He was heating a cattle brand, so the thugs used that to brand him, and they burned him. So, yeah, that's because he works at the same ranch.
Yeah.
It then cuts to more thug riding footage, then it cuts to the ranch in question where people arrive and there is dialogue. So now that has everybody's fucking problem in our court.
Ben, whether you're going to pluck them clean just as soon as the gambling starts, huh? It could be. Now come on, you old fox. You got a gold mine here and you know it. I just hope you believe in sharing the wealth. Meaning? Well, meaning I hope you're not going to be selfish about it. Now, look, Trask, you're a foreman here, but I'm running this operation, and don't you forget it. Now, if you don't like it here... Wait a minute, Ben. No, no, you wait.
I'd like to get your hands on that, wouldn't you? Well, eat your heart out, old timer. You haven't got a chance. She buys and sells guys like you. She buys them cheap and sells them cheaper. You two at it again? Oh, it's nothing unusual. We're all a little bit edgy after last night. Oh, I heard about that. Can you believe it? Hooded riders. Somebody's been watching too many late movies. Anything I can do to help, Ben? No, honey, but it was nice of you to ask. That's what neighbors are for.
Besides, I have a special interest here. Ben, you sure you can trust him? Frankly, no. Hey, you know, honey, maybe I ought to try your racket. Ben Brewster, you don't have my natural talent. Well, that's for sure. Lucky dollar guest range, five miles. Well, let's give it a shot. We might get lucky.
Jesus fucking Christ, man. All right, hang on.
God damn it.
Hold it. They cut from The Hitchhikers, which are the second fucking low point of this fucking movie, to a plane taking off with the titular stewardesses serving everyone, and there is dialogue, so now that is your fucking problem audience and our fifth clip.
How are you today? Oh, I know what you want. And of course, you make it real, real good.
That's crazy, isn't it?
Oh, you little rascal.
Hello.
There you are. And what would you like? Oh, no, you can't have that. I'm really glad you guys can make it.
I hope this trip is no mistake.
Oh, where there's men, money and action, it's never a mistake. She meant that Bruce is just another rich old man. But some rich older men are lots of fun. It depends what angle you view it from. Horizontal or vertical. A lady never tells. At least that's what the ladies tell me. A thousand dollar a month penthouse, four cars, and he didn't even charge me and my girlfriend any rent.
He treated you like a father.
But how did you know? And I bet all they wanted to do was suspect you.
Well, say Debbie, what's the story on this part?
You know, it's like the free trips to Vegas. You get the big spenders to roll their money at the tables.
That's all.
No one can ever accuse Brewster of not having an angle. And I have a pilot waiting for me who needs some encouragement. See you. Laurie, what are we going to do for fun now? Will the plane follow me in?
Wow, I see someone interesting.
Later. Miss?
Miss?
Your coffee, sir. Excuse me, miss. Where's the restroom? To the rear of the plane, sir.
Thank you.
Miss? Watch your step. Thank you.
What's your name?
Bob Travers. I think I'll call you Bob.
Let's get acquainted.
Tell me about yourself. I usually like to talk about myself.
Okay, I'll tell you about myself.
That would be much nicer. Well, I was sold to white slavers from a wicked stepfather when I was only five years old. Hey, listen, guys. I don't really need you. There's lots of action back there, you know. No, no, Jackie, we need you up here. Well, since you guys seem to have everything under control, I'll go check the bomb bay. But you bombed already. This isn't the high and mighty, you know. After all, it takes guts to fly in this war. I know, I know.
Just bring me a cut of salt, will you, please? And watch the zeros. They like to sneak in out of the sun. Get lost, will you? Oh, what a way to be flooring on the job. Are we coming on skittering? I'm making it with you. I think I'm losing my head.
You know what, though? I finally got the right level of high that it's just not making me more and more angry every time I have to hear that bullshit, so... During the clip, there is a stewardess in the most unbelievably fake cockpit I have ever fucking seen. They're basically acting as if they're about to fuck in there during the flight, but it is clearly a stupid pegboard and lounge chairs and a few panels of them buttons.
It's not a fucking cockpit, but apparently she only gets turned on in the cockpit or some sort of weirdness. I don't fucking know, but...
It's like the porkies thing, where she was into the dirty clothes and shit, the men's locker room.
I guess, I don't know, but like, there's like fucking lounge chairs. There's, like I said, the pegboard is supposed to be the back, and then there's like a few panel buttons that look like they were stolen out of a fucking elevator and then painted to look sort of like that. I mean, it's better than the Plan 9 from Outer Space, pilot's cockpit that they showed, but it's very clearly not a cockpit.
But the way that they're acting, this is like a routine that she gets into where she gets horny there, and it has to be here, she can't fuck anywhere else.
And so one of the pilots pretends like he needs to go check the passengers or some bullshit like that, and so he just gets up, and then he leaves, says that he's gonna go check the cargo hold, and then they get fucking throwing down in the cockpit, and he has to stop there for a minute and pretend not to be drunk, and tries to put the leg up to make Cheka's balance and his sea legs for being in the back of the plane. And then he walks back and completely flubs this question.
The passenger asks him how long the flight is going to be, or what time they're going to get in or something like that, and he just tells him the current time on his watch, right?
Yeah.
Which is a bunch of fucking stupid jokes.
Yeah, just really dumb. What are they trying to be, airplane?
Yeah, maybe, but it was like made before airplane, right, in 75?
Yeah.
Either way.
Yeah, that's true. Either way, it's just bad.
They cut from that back to the sexual silliness as the couple disrobes, and then they cut to the outside of the plane, and you start seeing some turbulence that's happening. And that takes us to the end of the first 30 minutes already.
Whoo! Um, the acting is bad. The dialogue is really bad, and the story is bad.
Yeah, the only thing that's good is the nudity, and that's a little too few and far between for this so far. It's a really, really uneven film, and the lady that's doing the really annoying high-pitched voice that just basically got me so stoned I can't even read my notes because of rage trying to make it through this episode, that's Al Adamson's real wife. In real life, they were married for the bulk of his filmmaking career, essentially.
Yeah, and they were together even after he quit making films and went into real estate, and I think only shortly after that, I don't know if they were divorced or what ended up happening. I don't know if he was widowed or what. I'm not exactly sure, but pretty much the bulk of his film career, they were married, and she's in the bulk of his films, so I'm pretty sure Rob Zombie is an Al Adamson fan because he also continues to make movies that he constantly puts his wife in.
His wife's always in every movie.
That he makes anyway.
That's some nepotism shit right there.
I'm ready to move on if you are. We're pretty much on time for 30 minutes, 30 minutes. All right, the next 30 starts with cocksmithing in the cockpit as the titular stewardess throws down in the unconvincing cockpit with one of the pilots. It's a pretty boring sex sequence, but she is nude as fuck, so thank you, Movie, for that.
Yes, thank you, Movie.
By the way, you can tell it's a fake cockpit because there's no fucking way they'd have a couch in a cockpit and they're fucking on a couch.
Yeah, yeah, it's just why is there a couch in a cockpit?
She's nude as fuck, so still whatever.
It is what it is.
The plane is experiencing all sorts of turbulence during the fucking. I think that's part of what she needs to get off because all of the stewardesses make a reference to her needing that or something along those lines or that it's her fault that there's turbulence, apparently. It then cuts to more dialogue, so now that's everybody else's fucking problem.
And then I joined a gang of girls, and then we made an oath in blood, and it was awful. I'm only joking with you. I'm just putting you on. Yes, I know. That must be turbulence. Everything's okay, isn't it? Don't worry, it's only Jackie. Emergency! It'll be a tall scotch in a short water.
We're turbulence. Just turbulence.
Where's yours? Oh, Jerry! Jerry! Jerry, stop it, stop it! Open up. This is your captain speaking. Help! Okay, but wrestling's off limits. Hold this. It's really stuck.
So, more turbulence happens, and the drunk pilot somehow gets his head stuck in the toilet seat of the plane, and it rips it off the mound in the bathroom that is way too fucking big even for the 70s airplane. They struggle out of the bathroom with it stuck on his head, and the pilot doing all the fucking up front comes out of the cockpit at the same time.
Several stewardesses and the second pilot help remove the toilet lid, when they then realize that no one is flying the plane, and that joke falls flat. As they cut to the lucky dollar ranch, as the ladies arrive and are welcomed, there is dialogue, so now that's everyone else's fucking problem.
Well folks, welcome to the lucky dollar ranch. Hello. Hey honey, wait. Girls, I want you to meet Honey Morris. Honey, this is Debbie Stewart, Barbara Watson, Laurie Winters. Hello girls, welcome. Well now, we want you to have a good time. Good time and relax.
Just like a mother, huh?
Exactly. Rodeo starts in about an hour. We're going to have a high old time. Bobby, I'd like to introduce you to Honey Morgan and Ben Brewster. Come on, girls, I'll show you to your room. Now, we need a pretty girl to ride in the parade. Any takers? Your first time out, West, Bobby? I get around quite a lot. I bet you do. Well, I think you'll find people real friendly in this neck of the woods. Could be nicer.
If things become too quiet at Brewster's, why don't you stop by the beehive and say hello? Beehive. Honey.
They cut from this bullshit to a parade to promote the casino, and that transforms into a padding montage of the parade set to a mid-paced 70s Tom Jones knockoff song. It's very, very usual for Tom Jones. And then also this fucking padding montage.
Yeah.
All right. So this month, this montage shows the stewardess is enjoying the parade or participating in it in some way. Who fucking cares? It's fucking padding. It cuts to more dialogue. So now that's everybody else's fucking problem.
I see him play it on TV all the time. What about the rodeo? That's not how you play golf. Look, let me show you how to address the ball, right? Now, you hold, just bend over a little bit, just, I'll tell you, I hold this arm stiff, you see, this arm, this, hold this arm, very stiff, arm, hold it, that's it. Now, and this leg also has to be stiff, come back, that's it, you see, that's it. And this arm has to be stiff, and this leg has to be stiff. You don't mind, do you? Yeah, but he does.
So, don't forget, this arm is stiff, and this leg is also stiff. Now, and you come back very slow, wait, I'll tell you what you do. You stand over there, and I'll show you how to hit the ball, right? It slipped, I'm sorry. He's a two-handicap. Will you hit the damn ball? He's a 22-handicap. Let's go to the next tee, huh?
Here we go again.
The old men steal the golf clubs, and I guess hilarity is supposed to ensue as the ladies chase them and what should be fucking yakety-sacks going on in the background. It cuts from that to a no-step-on snake flag being held by a rodeo performer and a sequence of the ladies at said rodeo that is in no way yet another time filler as we cannot hear them talking and it keeps cutting to rodeo shenanigans and the pratfalls and all the stuff that happens in a rodeo.
Except for the injuries, for some odd reason, this is all of Happy Ending's rodeo.
Yeah, right.
The rodeo sequence goes on forever, but there is finally some dialogue, so now that's everyone else's fucking problem.
You look down in the mouth. Not enjoying the rodeo? Oh, nothing's wrong. Oh, come on. You can lay it on the line with Mama Morgan. Well, you see, I rented this new apartment back east, but the people who lived there didn't move out in time. So I let them stay there, and I got a motel. That was nice of you. But that was three months ago, and they still haven't paid the rent.
And now I owe for my rent, and I owe on my car payment, and I owe for my motel, and I don't know where I'm going to get the money. Laurie, you came to the right person. You've heard about my place, the Beehive. Oh, the Beehive. Ben told us about that. It's a gold mine. You need money? You're not alone. Lots of girls come over and work a few days, make a few dollars. Stuart does this, too. Why give it away? Oh, I couldn't do that. But I'll think about it. Thank you. Fried egg sandwich? All right.
You'll have to let me know when they're done. I'll give you a countdown. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. They're done. I want to welcome you all to the Lucky Dollar Ranch. I'm Honey Morgan, your friend and neighbor. Ben Brewster asked me to act as sort of a hostess and provide a little entertainment. Most of you know that I'm pretty good at hostessing. And as far as the entertainment goes, well, you can be the judge of that. Gee, I wish I could be like her.
No, you don't want to be like her. What's wrong with that? You wouldn't understand, doll. I'm a big girl now, Mike. Try me. Okay, I'll try you. Honey Morgan, that's who I'm talking about, the user. She devours people, men and women alike, uses one against the other. And when she's through with them, she drops them. Just like that. And then I ought to know. When I think of what I'm doing for that day, I forget it. Oh, I get it. You're sweet on her, huh? Yeah, I'm sweet on her. Glad you guess.
You know something, doll. You're nosy.
All right, so during that clip, Yvonne DiCarlo, aka Lily fucking Monster, who is, by the way, in this film, and we didn't even fucking talk about it, does a musical number. I considered leaving it in there because it's not terrible, but it's also the song in its entirety in two fucking minutes, so I decided just to take it out.
Yeah, that's good.
So that's where she's...
That's for the best.
Yeah, that's where she was like, I'll let you decide, then she does that musical performance, and then the clapping that happens after that, that's what was going on there. I thought that needed some pretext before I go into what I'm about to bitch about. The end of the clip leads into a dance routine done by the two old men that are supposed to be so fucking hilarious that we're working the concession stand at that rodeo. And it goes on forever.
The crowd seems to love it, which is really not believable at all.
No, yeah, that's the most unbelievable part of this whole movie. I'll accept the couch and the cockpit before anything else. Before that.
It's like the most spastic tap dance done by drunken old men you can imagine that just does not fucking end for minutes and minutes of screen time. Yeah, it's terrible. And it's really a choice that should not have been made. It's fucking terrible.
It is.
It finally fucking ends when the owner talks, which is more dialogue, and that is everybody else's fucking problem in our clip.
Folks, I have a small announcement to make. I guess you all know by now that my gambling equipment has been delayed. But the trucks with the equipment are on the way. And by tonight, there'll be plenty of action.
This cuts to the masked riders going after what we are to assume is the equipment truck, and the leader is the man bitter at honey for reasons, I guess. They attack the trucks as they drive past and run them into stopping. And that takes us over the hour mark as the attacks and robberies are happening to the trucks.
Just silence. Well, I mean, listen, everyone's just trying to have a good time, right? Right.
So the guy that's pissed off at honey is actually the foreman of the ranch. I do need to mention that. And he had made a statement earlier where he was expecting his boss to share the wealth and pay him more, I guess. Because of the ranch having a casino come in. He's not a red herring. He is the obvious bad guy the entire time. And then they just pretty much right here at the hour mark show that, yeah, he's the guy that's been fucking over his boss.
And he's doing it for reasons other than just because his boss isn't paying him enough, I guess. I mean, we find out later a lot more why. But like right now, it's just pretty much just money because he's not getting paid enough.
It's all about the money, all about the Benjamins.
Yeah, I suppose so. The intrigue of this robbery and the train rustler Western thing where they're riding in on horseback and attacking, being real cowboys and such, that's interesting. It's kind of funny in some spots where they're doing some of their things because it's ridiculous to think horses can run down motor vehicles like they are.
Because they can't.
Well, maybe in the early days of motor vehicles, they could, but they have multiple horsepower now if you catch my drift and can go to speeds that horses can't reach. I'm sure they could get up to the trucks and everything if the trucks are just moving at a normal pace. But some of the stunts that they show in here are not very plausible, but are still more believable than the crowd enjoying that dance routine.
Yeah, right. Still more believable than that. Yeah, you're right.
Other than the nudity and the sex scenes being pretty decent, there's nothing this film has to offer.
Yeah. No, yeah, you're exactly right. There's literally nothing for this film that they can give you that you can't get anything out of this film.
Let's just do the run to the end then. What do you say?
Let's do it.
All right, the run to the end starts with a chase scene. One of the trucks that got past the barricade is on the run being chased by a masked man in a car, which is definitely only designed to pad out the runtime of the movie for even longer.
The thug dies in a fiery car crash that maybe keeps our attention for a little bit longer, and the truck seems to be getting away as a man on horseback with a fucking cape gets the drop on the truck and jumps on top of it, which may be the only exciting thing that happened so far besides the explosion. The stuntman that's on top of the truck somehow finds a way to get on top of the truck where the cab is and hold a gun on the guy to get him to pull over.
He hydrates the truck, and the film cuts to Lily Monster again as she starts to talk to and seduce a dude to come to her obvious whorehouse by trying to make out with him. The cowboy in the Canadian tuxedo that was all pissed off at her for breaking his heart, I guess, takes umbrage with this and goes after the guy, running him down with his horse and threatening him.
The man who got kissed by Yvonne DiCarlo and run down tries to walk off, and the old man rushes him to throw a punch and demands that the dude fight him. It is basically a bullying sequence, I suppose, and it is fucking useless. It cuts from this to the racially dressed Middle Eastern man that was on the plane, that just shows up here again for some reason, doing some sort of divining rod stuff in the desert, and then it cuts to stewardesses playing tennis.
There is dialogue, so now that's everyone else's fucking problem in our town.
How am I doing? Bobby, I'd like you to meet my tennis teacher, Kenny. And he's teaching me all the tricks. If I taught you all the tricks, you'd be the pro. When I do learn, watch out, Billie Jean King. By the way, why don't you two try it? No, thank you.
I think I'll let you play ball.
Chicken. How are things going? Well, not so good. They got all my gambling equipment. This could be it. They seem to know what you're doing before you do it. Yeah, you're so right. But I've still got a couple of tricks up my sleeve. That's the way to go, Ben. Ben, have you seen Lori today? Last I saw her, she was headed for the beehive. You know, I think our little Lori is doing a little moonlighting. Well, I got things to do, kids. I'll see you later. Why, that little dingbat.
Oh, God, we can't leave her alone anywhere. Come on, let's go over to the beehive and get her. I've got to drive into town anyway. Can I give you a lift? Thanks a lot for the ride, Bob. I'll see you later. Thanks, Bob. All right, girls, settle down. Do you pass these out, sweetheart? Well, I always like to have a little talk with my new girls. It leads to a better understanding. Now, we're all here for one thing, money, and maybe a little fun.
Now, that paper that you have lists all the do's and don'ts around here. I run a tight ship, so I want you to learn them, memorize them. I'll wash out for sure. One more thing, very, very important. You're not in business for yourself, so there's not to be any wallet boosting, and there's not to be any con about your sick kids, and you're not to pry into the personal lives of the customers.
This is a class operation, and I'm paying you top dollar, and I want you to make sure that the customer wants to come back. Now, our motto is, you tease them, you please them, and I fleece them. Melody? Girls, I want to introduce you to a Beehive exclusive. Girls, meet Mabel. Mabel handles the drugs. If you get a drunk that's too far gone, just hand him Mabel in the dark. There's a Mabel nude, of course, in every closet, in every room.
One old miner liked Mabel so much, he bought her and lived happily ever after. Does this doll really work? Of course. If they're drunk, they can't tell the difference. Does she have, you know, earrings? Well, sweetie, not everything you have. No, but she makes a lot more sense. All right, girls, dress rehearsal. I have a customer waiting. Now, let me see. Listen. Take it easy. Will you please lie down? Oh, you smell so pretty. Listen. Can you turn the damn light on in here?
I get scared in the dark. Listen, don't be afraid. I'm here. I'm here, okay? Are you awake? Oh, did we do it? Was I good? You were great. Oh, goody, let's do it again. Excuse me. Don't go away. No, I'll come back. Listen, you just practice, and take care of yourself. You need to practice. What am I gonna do now? I don't know.
Maybe you'll pass out soon.
No.
That's a terrific idea.
Oh, yeah. Oh. Yes, you are going back.
So the racist stereotype of a Middle Eastern guy is in the background of this clip doing something, again, more of the divining rod in the desert. Not sure whether than looking for something with that divining rod. The clip ends with that drunk guy really getting after that fucking blow up doll. And Jesus, this is just fucking stupid.
I mean, he really is getting it after it, though. That's just weird.
He pops the doll and it leaks air and the bit ends with him asking for a pump directly to camera. Jesus fucking Christ, that's a choice.
Yeah, that that was an artistic choice.
It thankfully cuts away from this to the Canadian tuxedo cowboy riding towards the camera. He sees another person on horseback and follows them. Turns out it's honey and they are working together in some Scooby Doo kind of plot here. There is dialogue, so now that's your fucking problem, audience.
Well, Mike, what did you want to talk to me about? Brewster is making another shipment. The boys are ready to take it. Good. Anything else? I got a funny feeling. Brewster is up to something. I want to call it off. You want. You work for me. It's what I want. I thought we were in this together. Look, this is just a job. Take it or leave it. Don't try to make it personal. Personal? It was personal once. We were good for each other, honey.
We could be again.
Mike, you just don't want to understand.
It's over.
We are over. Honey, please. Mike, just play your cards right. When the word gets around that there's oil under all this land that we've been grabbing. I get the message. Lori! Right over there. Yeah, what trouble can she get into?
Oh, boy. Now we know what the Middle Eastern dude was clearly searching for. He's looking for oil. And that makes sense because there's another racist stereotype. And we also now know that Lily Monster and her Canadian tuxedo henchmen are up to. They're doing this to try and get the oil under the ground. And make that casino fail because if the casino takes off, they won't be able to get the oil.
And he'll have a really good stance to start rebuying some of the land before they can get the rights to do it and blah, blah, blah. And of course, it's the two old men as lifeguards that are playing cards in the background. What the women are going to depend on to keep this woman alive that's on the raft. And of course, the raft springs a leak and she starts to drown. The men refused to help her and want to finish their game. There is some truly terrible dialogue here.
So now that's your fucking problem in our club.
Somebody's drowning. Never mind, ho. Just throw a card. But somebody is drowning. Now let's go get them. Ow! Get her! Blow in our mouth! Blow in our mouth!
This leads into a quote unquote comedic bit where they do every mouth-to-mouth gag in one, but the surviving lady makes out with the old dude as the other old dude watches. There's still 18 minutes of this bullshit left. For fuck's sakes.
Yeah, it's just fucking... There can't be that much left.
No, it's 18 minutes, yeah. It cuts away from this to more dialogue, so now that's everybody else's fucking problem in our club.
What the hell's happening? What do they want? Beats me, Ben. You know, I'm beginning to believe there's some truth to those old legends. Old legends, hell. Legends don't steal gambling equipment. I'm gonna get them. Sure, Ben, sure. If there's anything I can do to help, you let me know. You haven't been of much help lately, I'll tell you that. You once told me that you wanted to run the operation. Okay, you run it. I'm just your foreman, remember?
The Canadian tuxedo dude drives off in anger, and it cuts to the racist stereotype Middle Eastern gentleman looking around the desert some more. He starts to finger-fuck the ground a little bit, and then it cuts to the old men sweeping a courtyard and deciding to break for lunch. They bust out a giant sub, hold it together and eat off of it, and keep switching sides to take bites off of where the other person was just taking a bite.
It's kind of a gross humor thing that they're trying to do, and it's really fucking stupid and not fucking funny at all.
Exactly.
It's just fucking stupid.
It is.
This then cuts back to the racist stereotype, of still finger blasting the desert ground and tasting it this time. He's getting a little kinky right there.
Yeah, and he's getting in there. He's getting into it. He throws it to win it.
He throws the stick and gets a little indignant about everything, throws the cane away and walks off. It cuts back from that to the stupid eating of a sub where they're further along in the sub and it's almost gone. Then it cuts back to the desert finger blasting stuff again and then back to the sub being almost completely gone. And the old men end up doing a lady in the tramp routine when they take a bite out of the sandwich and kiss.
Of course.
The guy who Canadian Tuxedo got all violent with walks up and talks, so there is more dialogue and that's now everybody else's fucking problem.
I'm sorry. Excuse me. Have you gentlemen seen Mr. Brewster? Brewster went after the hoods with the hoods. Thank you.
Thank you.
You're welcome. Who's that? That's Bobby.
Huh?
You know Bobby, that's it. Is that you?
Which way they go?
They went that way.
Oh, boy. So this...
Jesus Christ.
The Bobby guy changes during that clip into an all-white cowboy outfit, and then that cuts from this to another strike on the shipments for the casino as the main baddie in a black cape and wearing a darker Canadian tuxedo for this sequence. He leads the charge to strike the Atlas van lines that are shipping something for the casino. And we see the cowboy in white heading to help as the cowboys from the Dollar Ranch turn the tables on the Raiders and spring a trap from the truck following that.
It's from their ranch, and they all have horses. And this creates a horseback fight and chase sequence that may just pad out the remaining 10 minutes of screen time we still have left. One of the hooded cowboys hops in and steals the truck used in the trap and drives off with the caped one hopping into the back.
The cowboy in white does a stunt where he catches up to the truck riding on his horse and jumps into the back and starts a fight with the Canadian tuxedo cowboy revealed to be the caped cowboy all along. The ranch hands start catching and beating the ever loving shit out of all of the caped bad guys in a bunch of slobber knocker sequences. This ends with some dialogue, so now that's everybody's fucking problem and our pent ultimate clip.
Okay, you proved your point. You're a stud. Now, better still, you win. I like that. Honey child, I want to talk to you. Ah, sit down, Ben. You know I've always wanted to buy into your operation, right? Right, but I'm still not selling. I kind of think you will. Now, that is Mike Tress' signed confession. Now, if we become partners, that goes into my safe. If not... Looks like you got a partner. Ah, I'll take that. Safe partner.
It cuts from this to ground finger blasting Middle Eastern guy fingering his way to the slick he needs, and then back to more dialogue, so now that's everybody else's fucking problem and our final clip.
You sure I can't persuade you to stay? Thank you, ma'am. My work here is done. Oh, I don't know. I think maybe we have a little unfinished business. Come on, honey. Come on. Are you sure he's the same man we saw in the play? Who is he really? He never says, doesn't he? He never says. Where in the heck is Lori? Look. Damn it, she knows we got a plane to catch. Knowing Lori, she's got a live one. Sure has. Come here, come here. Hi, Debbie. Barbara, I want you to meet my new...
Well, I blew another job. Well, sure, don't blame me. It's your fault, not mine. My fault? It's your fault. Why do I want from you? You're always doing the job.
Oh, shut up, will you?
What do you mean, shut up? You never had a job yet. I didn't know. I didn't know it was his wife. Well, who did you think it was? His daughter? Stop ad-libbing, will you? Oh, gosh, I'll tell you something. I don't know. You'd have been there yet if it hadn't been... Don't holler. I'm not hollering. I'm not hollering. And furthermore, I'm hungry. Hungry? Yeah. I got a snack for you. You got a snack for me?
Turns out the one stewardess' new daddy is the desert finger-blasting guy, and all the stewardesses get into his car, and the film ends as much of a wet fart as it began. Yeah.
There it is.
With that big sandwich gag, and those annoying old men walking off into the desert, and they finally roll those fucking credits. Man, when comedy is bad, it's almost way more fucking offensive and awful than when it's just like a bad drama that you're watching that you can make fun of. Because when comedy is bad, it's just so obviously bad, and all you can do is critique it, and it's just, you can't enjoy a bad comedy. Like, it's really tough to ironically enjoy bad comedy.
You can enjoy a bad horror movie. You can enjoy, like, because you can laugh at it. You can enjoy a bad drama, because you can even laugh at it. But bad comedy, there's nothing to laugh at. I mean, it's just, you can't enjoy it at all.
Well, that's kind of the point, right? Like, the other ones, when they fail, it makes their own comedy. It's like adding water to the dog chow and it makes its own gravy. You know what I'm saying? Like, when drama, horror, or anything that is supposed to be dramatic and moving in some way fails, it's automatically funny, because you just can laugh at it, because it's just ridiculous.
But when you make attempts at humor that are so horribly bad, in earnest, you suck the oxygen out of the room to when you take all of the funny away, which is where you do not want to be, which is why comedy is so hard to get right and get to resonate with.
It's the hardest thing.
Right. Anytime you try to do any kind of humor like that, it's just gonna fucking fail. You know what I'm saying?
Unless you can hit it right.
Right. And this film just misses all along the way. I don't know who the two guys are that are supposed to be this comedic routine that are doing these back and forth jokes about everything that are supposed to be hilarious. I have no clue who they are or where fucking Adams and found them, but they are a horrible misstep. His wife doing that annoying high pitched airhead routine.
Almost whiny voice.
Right. It's just so over the top and so fucking annoying too. And just really, really painful and hard to get through. And oh, good Lord, dude.
Yeah, it's bad. It's like real bad.
Yeah, this was a rough one to get through. Really, really bad.
Yeah, I was happy I was not the one having to do the notes.
Yeah, cause I know how much you hate a fucking comedy that just fails at every turn. It's like-
Oh, there's nothing worse. I mean, there's nothing worse than that.
Maybe my story time will be worse. I guess we'll find out after we take this break. On the Pirate Radio Edit, we're going to have Elvin Bishop with Fooled Around and Fell in Love, playing right now, going into the break. And when we come back, we'll have a little story. Oh boy, I gotta come up with something for our story time. Do you want a tale of petty vengeance that I need to get out of something that's...
I'm going to name and shame somebody who did something wrong, or would you rather hear a somewhat humble brag of a tale of when I fooled around and fell in love?
I... Ooh, I think the vindictiveness.
All right, then I'm going to use my story time to call out Bluehost and what they're doing to us.
Okay, let's hear it.
This week, almost, the streak was almost broken. And the reason for that is Legion Podcasts is having troubles with Bluehost. And I'm calling them out specifically for this because this is something that is definitely happening to all of us as a network. They essentially retired their unlimited plan that was available for Legion Podcasts. It is what it is. It happens.
But then they fucked around with our main man and fearless leader who was dealing with them and dealing with the cost and everything and trying to find essentially the right amount of uploads that we would be able to get every month of file size and everything like that. And they just kept fucking around with the prices for everything. And now we had to switch away and get off of Bluehost because they froze the website where we can't upload new files.
This happened, I found out about this on Monday. While I'm editing our episode that went out at that time, I think it was 4, 5, 7, I think is what it would have been, is when this is happening. Obviously, it's weeks we record every two weeks, and this is just how it happens with the delay.
So that was frozen, I found out about it on Monday, and I'm editing the Pirate Radio Edit version of 4, 5, 7. I am conversing with Fearless Leader back and forth, him trying to make a decision, and we end up going with another hosting service that offers the 301 redirects and a bunch of other things that we needed to be able to keep this feed alive.
Well, I can say as of this recording, at least on my podcast aggregator app that is tied into iTunes, the new episode downloaded and it's triggering. So I know iTunes is definitely working for sure. That's good. The latest episode was released, and I spent a good portion of hours this week trying to replicate all of the old episodes back on to this new feed that's been created by Fearless Leader for us to keep this show alive. There's a couple of files that didn't upload.
So I was up on Thursday night of this week, I was up till about 3.30 in the morning, reposting about 150 audio files and renumbering and reordering the episodes so that they went in order because the way that the redirect automated system that Fearless Leader set up did, it didn't get all of the audio files and it did the numbering wrong because it doesn't know what a bonus episode is versus a regular episode. It just numbers all the episodes on its service as is.
So I stayed up till 3 in the morning fixing that so that Fearless Leader could make it go live with the 301 redirect so that it would get the episodes to everybody on time on Sunday. And the 301 redirect that we did on Friday worked, and now we are slowly transitioning away from Bluehost and their greed and basically freezing up our files even though they had made some kind of a deal with Fearless Leader.
Yeah, they froze us being able to upload just to try and squeeze for more money, essentially, is what they were trying to do.
Bastards.
Yeah, and they broke a word and a bargain that they had struck, you know, regardless just doing it. And there was no hope for that. So we're gonna still be keeping the domain, I think, for Legion Podcasts, and the network is still very much alive. Just where it's being hosted, how it's being hosted and everything like that is gonna be in flux for a little while. But nonetheless, on the main feed for Cinema PSYOPS, you will still get this.
So if you're subscribed directly to Cinema PSYOPS, you're still gonna keep getting the show. We're gonna keep trying to go for 10 years, and we're gonna try and keep everything from being able to block us from doing it. And that's my story of petty vengeance that I wanted to tell. I'm calling out and naming and shaming Bluehosts. So there we go.
Yeah, pettiness. I'm for it.
You're also tired of me telling stories of all the times I fooled around and fallen in love.
Yes. It just makes me sing the song then.
Yeah, no one wants that at all.
Well, I want it, but I know you guys are all fucking uptight.
That's because-
Judgy bastards.
That's because your voice sounds like babies crying and bottles breaking in unison.
Well, you know what? I'm not saying you're wrong, but it's still hurtful.
I know, factual things are not always fun to hear. Mean, mean. All right, so we're gonna take a break and play something else that's not fun to hear, the show Housekeeping, and immediately following that, we will have, released in 1975, Aerosmith's Sweet Emotion on the pirate radio edit. If you've decided you can't get enough of the show and would like to check out more of it, we're available at legionpodcasts.com.
Just do a quick search for Cinema PSYOPS or just enter this entire URL into your browser, www.legionpodcasts.com forward slash cinema dash PSYOPS dash podcast. Also available along with all of the fellow Legion-ears on the Legion Discord chat. And now let's give you a rundown of the memes and how you're going to get them through Cinema PSYOPS. The easiest place to go is to subscribe to our Instagram feed, which is our main meme repository at cinema underscore PSYOPS.
Or you could also follow the Facebook page of Cinema PSYOPS because they are immediately posted there after they get posted to the Instagram repository. And you can also check out the Facebook group of Cinema PSYOPS and the memes are shared there. I am available on Facebook as Cort PSYOPS because the memes are also shared there as well. Thanks for listening to the show. I still can't believe that you're subscribed to us or here every week just like us.
Well, I'm gonna definitely have to get a different version of Aerosmith's Sweet Emotion, because that's from the actual video that they did in the 90s with the phone sex shit in it that Matt just heard. Well, that was fun and hilarious for us. For pirate radio edit, that doesn't work for me because I don't really need the phone sex bit in there to try and make this episode even more awkward and uncomfortable for all of us.
Right?
Well, while you're out there saying, no, court, the phone sex bit would have made things a lot better and a lot more entertaining, unlike your fucking belly aching about your movie. Kick the fuck out of this week and enjoy that bitterness while you listen to bad companies feel like making love on the pirate radio edit. You hear me okay?
Yep.
You hear that okay? All right, awesome. I just forgot to do something that I need to do real quick.
Recording in progress.
There we go. And I think I already said everything, so I think we're ready to rock and or roll. I need to take a little bit of a hit, so let's get this going with a little bit of the theme while I do that. Here we go.
Word up.
And the film opens out with, ah, this goes on. You got anything to add before I move on?
No. I was just going, ooh.
This awfulness ends with a cut to a woman's tongue. Three, two, one. As if they are about to fuck in their... No, really not. Three, two, one. Oh, fuck that. I'm getting a different version of this shit.
Wait, what was that?
It's from the video. Bye Well, while you're out there saying no, Cort, the phone sex bit would have made things a lot better and a lot more entertaining unlike your fucking belly aching about your movie. Kick the fuck out of this week and enjoy that bitterness while you listen to bad companies feel like making love on the pirate radio edit. God damn, that actually fits really well with the fucking theme of this movie, which was just fucking... All right, let's just fucking end this, Jesus.
Take the butter of the week. Recording stopped.