Visiting My Dad in Prison

here we go. Okay, So I'm going to talk about my dad, my biological father, in this episode. I wanted to share it because I truly believe that this can heal many people. I truly believe in the power of forgiveness. I have a whole freaking book on it, and it's something that I stand by, and I have decided that I want to go visit my dad in jail. Let me give you guys a bit of a backstory. If you guys are new to the podcast, if you guys haven't read my books, you don't know too much about

my personal life. But the reason my dad's in prison, it's not even jealous in prison because he got thirty one years no chance of parole, and the reason he's in jail or in prison is because he sexually molested me when I was eight years old. It was from that, I remember, from eight to twelve, and he was on the run for ten years, and in two thousand and seven they caught him, actually in two thousand and six. Then we went to court. We were on trial for

a whole year, and he was sentenced. I believe he was found out of nine counts. I believe from I think eight out of nine counts or nine out of nine. I don't remember exactly, but I just remember that entire year of having to go to court and talk about everything that happened in front of my mom, in front of my uncles, in front of my grandparents, in front of my then fiance because I was also engaged a long time ago. But anyways, it was a lot, you guys,

It was very traumatizing. And I hadn't seen my dad in ten years because he, you know, was on the run since I was twelve years old, So having to relive all of that was very hard. And then also I didn't want to testify. I didn't want to testify because I have another sister, his daughter, and she's I want to say, around twenty five or something like that. She's my sister. Jenica's age I believe, or younger I

don't remember. But regardless, he has a daughter, he had a wife, and I just felt like, oh my god, like he's okay, like he I don't want to disrupt his life. But then my mom made me understand that it's something I had to do, that justice had to be served, you guys, and that's like something it's out of my hands, you know. And she said, through you telling your story, you're going to be able to help others.

So then my perspective completely changed. I was like, Okay, I'm going to go on there because it was hard. I was on especially cross examination you guys is fucking horrible because you're telling your lawyer, oh, this happened. This happened. But then comes his lawyer and they try to trick you, and it was just so traumatizing. So when I was on the stand, I had to like just get off. And that's when I told my mom was like, outside of court, I was like, I don't want to do this.

I'm not doing this I'm done, Like, we're fine, it's been ten years, Like he's fine, We're fine. She's like, no, there's a reason why he got caught. So she made me understand. My mom was very supportive through the whole thing. Was I was a little embarrassed because back then I was like behind the scenes, I was behind the camera, and so I was just like, how how am I going to talk about all this because it was a very, very very public trial. So I was just embarrassed. It

was so many different things. But regardless, I don't regret going through it because now I can talk about things like this. So anyways, that's just a little bit of the backstory, a whole lot of the backstory. But that's what happened. And now I feel ready to go visit him. And I submitted my application and he I've talked to him a couple times on the phone. My sister Jackie

has a little bit more communication with him. And I know a lot of people have opinions about this topic, and I know that a lot of people have attacked my sister Jackie, and it hurts my feelings because that's my sister. I love her, and she has all the right to have a relationship with her dad. I don't think it ever happened to her. I did my best to protect my sister Jackie from it happening to her. She doesn't remember anything, because for a long time I

was like, why does she talk to him? Why does she want to have a relationship with him? He did this to me again. I wasn't healed. Now I'm healed. Now, I feel better. Thank goodness for therapy and for my faith, you know. But now I'm like, who am I to take away my sister or keep that from her, or take that from her, her having a relationship, If that's her, that's her prerogative. That's what she wants to do, and

I'm okay with it now, you know. So I just feel like everyone should kind of just in that aspect, kind of just mind their own business and leave her alone. There's no thing wrong with her talking to my dad. And I know a lot of people are gonna attack me. Why are you going to go visit your dad? Your mom wouldn't be okay with it. I'm going to tell you guys right now, I know my mother. I know

my mother. I lived with her twenty six years of my life, and I know my mom had a very forgiving heart, and even though my stepdad, Juan Lopez Johnny and Jenica's dad hurt her when he was still alive, my mom was at his bedside when he was passing, and then when he passed. My mom is a very forgiving woman. I know my mom would have said, Okay, if that's what you want to do, she would respect me, and she would probably even go with me. You guys, I really really feel it, But not only that. I

am my own person. This happened to me, and if I'm okay with forgiving this person, why can't you guys be okay with it. I'm not saying everyone, because there are people that have said I can't believe she forgave him and this and that. I've seen a lot of little things here and there, but I don't care. I feel that this is part of my healing, of closing that circle, of closing that chapter of my life completely, and I'm ready. When he reached out after my mom passed,

I was upset again. I was in a very bad place. I was going through a lot then and I was very upset when he reached out, and I was like, well, why now? Now that my mom's not here, he wants to talk to us. Now, he wants to have a relationship. I was very defensive. But then when my sister spoke to him and she related the message to me, you know, because I was very vocal about me being upset, she said, no, I get it, sister, But he just says he felt very bad, like these kids are alone in this world.

I'm in jail, their mom passed away, like he felt like he needed to reach out. So then I was like, okay, I was a little bit better about the situation. I still wasn't completely open, like I am now to go visit him. I know, and I hear from my sister that he's a reborn Christian, that he's like I think a pastor or does like Bible studies in there, and he's just he's a barber. He's really it's done a

lot while being in prison. And I want to think that he's going to ask me for forgiveness because he never has and he's never really admitted to doing it. From what I hear, again, I haven't talked to him. The times that I have talked to him on the phone, it was when I was getting married he just said, hey, I just want to say, can I pray for you before you know you walk to the altar? And I said yeah and I let him, and then another time

just to say hello. So I've never said, hey, dad, now do you know ask me for forgiveness or I want to hear you. I feel like that's a conversation that needs to be had in person, which is why I'm going to take the step. So thank goodness for my partner, Emilio. He also is going to go with me. And the last time I was at of prison was freaking years ago. You guys, I want to say, like eight years ago. I haven't been to a prison in years.

And the only reason I went the first time to go visit someone was because I was a witness at a wedding in prison. One of my friends, a boss B actually was getting married to someone and she wanted me to be her witness, so I went and I was there supporting her, and I don't know, I don't know what I'm gonna feel. I was accepted. Emilia and I both were accepted to go and visit him. I know he's more open about it. And the crazy thing is is I feel bad because his mom just passed.

Both his parents have passed while he's been in there, and I don't know, I want to think that he's learned a lot. From what I hear, he has learned a lot. Again, Like his faith is like at the best it's ever been, at the highest, And I'm not gonna lie. I have thought about putting in a petition to help him come out sooner, because he has a daughter, he has a wife. From what I hear, his wife has been by his side, and I think that's fucking admirable.

I don't know, I just I feel bad, you know, But I know that that I can't necessarily do that yet I still have to take this step in and seeing him in person and see if he really does admit to what he did and and apologizes. You know, that's all I really need. I don't need to get

into details. I don't know, I mean, And if this visit doesn't go that way, I think that I would I just would close that door and not worry about it anymore, you know what I mean, Like I'd just be like, well, if sister, if you still want to have a relationship with him, I'm okay with it. But if he doesn't tell me what I need to hear, then there's no reason to continue or to go visit him again, you know. And I don't know if I'm wrong for that, but that's just I'm not gonna wait

my time or waste his, you know. I want to think that maybe he's ready now more than ever that his parents are in heaven, because maybe it's something he didn't want to admit to out loud because he doesn't want to hurt his family. Obviously, his family thinks that it didn't happen. They think that my mom put this in my head, that my mom made me say it, and that's absolutely false. I remember everything that happened. Unfortunately, I remember details, so no one put this in my head,

especially not my mom. If anything, I I'm so grateful that she believed me. She never questioned me. But I respect his decisions and I don't I feel worried. I feel worried for him because I know when this whole thing happened, you know, especially in the beginning, like in jail, people do things, they freaking beat them up, child abusers,

you know. So I know that he went through that, and it hurts me, like it's not I don't want to cause him any more pain, you know what I mean, Like, I really don't like and that's why I'm kind of scared. I was afraid to talk about this because I'm like, shit, I don't want to like open this can of worms for him, like if he's already finding his peace in there, you know, because I forgave him, you know, and I just want people to also forgive him. And just it's

no one else's like business. I guess it's it's your business because I'm telling you guys, but I'm just saying, like no one should say what I should and shouldn't do. And you guys or the people that are kind of like, oh my god, like if that or Cheeky's is wrong, Like I guess, yes, you're entitled to your own opinion, yes, but at the end of the day, it's like I just don't want to hurt him or his family any more than they've already gone through, you know, because we

all suffered. My family. His family he has suffered so much because you know, he lost both his parents while being in there. I mean, I can't even imagine, you know, like not being able to give him a hug and I guess I can because I wasn't able to give my mama hug for like two months, so I guess I get it. So it just maybe that's why it hurts me so much. But I just wanted to share

this because I think it's so important, you guys. The power of forgiveness is so important and liberating for ourselves. It's a gift that we give ourselves not to hold onto things like that, hold on to any resentment, and it helps us. It helps us fly and conquer and accomplish what we're meant to accomplish when we're able to

just let go of the baggage. And I tell you guys this all the time, and I just felt that I wanted to express this and for you guys to help me pray because I don't know when I'm going to go visit him, but when it happens, now that I'm accepted, I just want you guys to send me good wishes and your prayers that everything goes well and may God's will be done when it comes to that.

I saw a picture of him the other day and my sister took a screenshot because now in jail, you have like a way of face timing and the whole thing. It's crazy. He even has like a phone number. It's like the craziest thing. I haven't used it yet, but my sister sent me a screenshop when they were on a phone call. And it's crazy how much I look like him. It's freaking weird, especially because in my mind for so long, I was like, I don't have a dad. I don't have a dad, I don't have parents, Like

my mom's not here, I don't have a dad. Like, but on my way a second, I'm gonna be faced with, oh shit, I do have a dad. He is alive. He's here. Like it's the craziest thing. Like we all my siblings and I kind of had all of that, had that in common where it's like, okay, we don't have parents physically and that's kind of like, it's just

this weird thing. I don't know. And then to see his gray hair and his gray beard, it's just it's so crazy because I remember him with black, black, dark hair and he was young and hip and he's aged and it's just I don't know. It's the craziest fucking feeling ever. I don't know. It makes me emotional because I'm just like, I don't know what the hell is gonna happen. I don't know what I'm feel but I know it's something I have the face, and I'm all

about facing your fears. So this is something that kind of makes me nervous. It's nerve wracking, but I know it's going to be really good for me, for me to move forward, to become a parent, to get married, to just really just really close that chapter of my life. I don't know what's going to happen after that visit. I have really no idea. I'm really stepping into the unknown. I'm taking a leap of faith here and now that I'm thinking about having kids, I mean, if all goes

well in that conversation, maybe maybe I'll be okay. I don't even know. I honestly don't even know. Like I'm like I was about to say, if I do have kids, would I be okay with my daughter or my son meeting him? I don't know. Damn, that's a good question. I mean, I guess it all just appet It all just depends how I feel. I'm very I'm very intuitive. I feel people's vibes and I just I all would have to see. I know that my niece, Jayla, the oldest one, wants to meet him, and Jackie asked me,

how do you feel about that? And I said, I'm totally fine with that if you're okay with it. So I think she's gonna meet him soon. But yeah, I mean, I guess it's something. I guess we'll have to cross that bridge when we get there. You know. As far as my kid's meeting him, I don't know. He's in his late fifties now and he's been in there for seventeen years, and if I'm calculating correctly, he won't be out until twenty thirty eight. It's a fucking long time.

And I don't know if I'm crazy, but I just feel like, Okay, if he already like repented, maybe you know, like he can get out. And I don't know, like I just feel I feel like our justice system sometimes is like kind of twisted, and I feel like they gave him more time because it was such a public trial.

I mean, who am I to say, right, But I've seen and I watch a lot of forensic files, you guys, and I watch a lot of stuff people that have murdered people get seven years and this and that or and I'm just like I get it, like I don't know. I mean, I don't know. I know it sounds weird because it happened to me, and yes, it was very traumatizing and affected me in many many ways. I don't know if it's because I'm healed or what it is, but I just feel like it's a little unfair. I

feel bad, and I don't know what that means. And I know people are probably gonna think I'm freaking crazy, or maybe it's the heart that my mom gave me. I don't know. I don't know, but I've always said this, like he wasn't a bad dad. As weird as that fucking sounds, he wasn't like he actually like when we would get in trouble, he sit us down and talk to us like he wasn't one to like kick our butt. You know. It was just when night came, he was

a different person. Not saying and I'm not condoning it or excusing what he did, because it's not it's absolutely one hundred percent not right. But it's the weirdest thing because he was a good dad. It's it's so fucking twisted it's I don't know. You know. For for a long time, I was fine with not seeing him. I was I was okay with it. I was like kind of like, Okay, we don't have our mom, Johnny and Janaa don't have their dad, you know. I was kind of like, this is what it is, this is our life.

But then as my sister, I would ask her, Hey, have you talked a dad? Have you gone to visit him? She's like yeah, and she would tell me stories and the things that they talk about, and she's like, he's so gentle, like the way he like, he's different, Like I don't know. She's like, I don't remember the way he was before, but from what I hear and what I've heard about him, he's different. And it just kind of intrigued me, and it made me a little curious

as to like, okay, well, ask him. I told her to ask him if he'd be okay with me, just to see what he said. And he said yes, that he would be very nervous to see me, but that yes, if I'm open to it, then he would be as well.

So that's kind of how it happened. And then I just sat on it for a while, and I was kind of like on the fence about it, and then little by little reading books and reading stories about other people that have gone through what I've gone through through sexual abuse and how they when they confronted their abuser, how liberating it was, and how healing it was. So

here I am feeling I'm healed. But I'm like, Okay, imagine if I face this and I stop ignoring it, what it can do in my life, especially if I want to have kids, you know, and I want to become a mother, Like I I want to be able to tell my child, hey, I did this. It's like something that's brewing within me. That's just like I have to just let it out sort of thing, you know. I have to go visit him. I have to go visit him and see where he's at mentally, and we'll

go from there. But I did feel the need to share this with you guys and express these things, because again, this is my podcast, is where I feel safe, and I love having these one on one conversations just me the micing you guys. You know. But yeah, I know, I know it's gonna be a little weird for people, but I do feel ninety five percent healed from this, and this five percent that's missing is just having this conversation with him and seeing where he is, where his

headspace is, where his heart is, and we'll see. All right. Well, this was a heavy one, but like always, I thank you guys for listening, for tuning in to Cheese and Chill. I am very grateful to have this space. I'm grateful for you guys, each and every single one of you. Guys, Tell your friends about the podcast. Okay, spread the word,

spread the love, spread the wisdom. I love you guys so much, and I will catch you here on the next episode of Cheeky's and Chill or Dear Cheeky's all Right, Okay, bessos. This is a production of iHeartRadio and Mike Pura podcast Network. Follow us on Instagram at Mike Putura Podcasts and follow me Cheeky's That's c h I q U y s. For more podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your favorite shows.