Visiting My Dad in Prison

I'm going to do today. So again, earlier this season, I mentioned that I was going to file paperwork to go see my dad and it was accepted and I did go see him. So I'm going to tell you all about that. So take a deep breath with me. Okay. I don't know if you guys have watched chiki sinfintro. It is my docu follow and they did follow me to go see my dad. Didn't talk much about the details there, just that I went to go see him. They weren't able to go in with me the cameras.

So this is my space and my time and my opportunity to explain to you exactly what happened and what we talked about and how it went. First of all, I decided to go see him because it's something that had been in my heart for a while. For a long time, I didn't want to, and in all fairness and honesty, he didn't want to see me either. So

then time passed by. Time went by, and my sister Jackie has been the one that has gone to go see him, and you know, she's gotten a lot of heat for it, and I don't necessary really agree with it because people say that, Okay, how can you do that to your sister Jackie? Like she went through this, She went through that like I feel like, First of all, she asked me, and I said, yes, sister, thank you

for asking me. You don't have to because that's still your dad, that's still a relationship that you had and things that you need to heal. But I do appreciate you asking me. So she did ask me. I gave her my blessing. I gave her the green light, and she started like a friendship with him. Anyways, So why I decided to go see him, because for I mean, I forgave my dad a long time ago. I forget

I forgave him. He never asked for forgiveness. I just that's something that I learned in church and through my mother, and I saw how she forgave, and I just that's who I am, you know, at my core, and I forgave him because I didn't want to hold onto that and like carry that weight around with me for the rest of my life. I always tell you guys that forgiveness is not for the other person, but for yourself. So I kind of put that to the side for

a long time. What happened with my dad the sexual abuse. For those of you that may not know, I was sexually abused by my father when I was young. And he's now in jail thirty five years, no chance of parole or thirty years, thirty thirty years. Anyways, the point is he's been in there for seventeen So for a long time I was kind of like, Okay, I have no dad, you know, it's just my mom, my siblings

and I and that's it. And then my mom passed away and he felt really bad, so he tried to come around and talk to us, and I wasn't ready. I was like, why now, why because my mom's not here. But in his defense, he was like, you know what I felt bad. I wasn't a great dad, your mom's gone. Like, if there's anything that I can do and show you guys,

I'm here. I'm going to do that. Took me a while to accept it, and then I went through my first divorce, and after that I realized that I had daddy issues, that I had things that I needed to work through, and I thought, Okay, I'm older. I went to there like I'm fine. But after that divorce, things like resurfaced and I was like, oh my gosh, because I gott as I as I'm so I was getting older.

I noticed that things that I hadn't healed were affecting my relationships the way that I was in my relationships, and I was like, I need to stop this, Like I don't want to continue attracting this type of treatment, not loving myself enough, and just so many things that I'm like, okay, it's coming and stemming from the relationship. I still like I had a heal with my mom and certain things that I needed to heal, but also

with my dad. And so when Emilio asked me to marry him, that's when I was like, Okay, I really need to face this. I really need to close this circle to get this this closure. And I asked Emilia if he'd be down to go with me, and he said yeah. So to me that was confirmation because in my past relationships they weren't down, they were like no, absolutely not. But Emilia was very open and he said yes,

like I think you should. I think you should go see him and hear what he has to say, especially if he's also ready, and that also gave me confirmation and made me feel peace. So anyways, we decided to go, and that's the reason why, because I felt like I needed to close to get closure with my mom, which is why I went to Monterrey to go see her, you know, and to feel and I just I got this closure that I needed and this piece in my heart and then my dad, so before I got married,

that was the whole thing. So anyways, I thought of my paperwork the first time I was denied. Then I let like a year pass by and I said, Okay, I'm gonna try it again and I'm gonna also file Emilios and we were both did and it took some time to go out there, and so anyways, the day came I went to go see him and I was trembling. I was so scared. I felt like a little girl. Like I was like, oh my god, I was so nervous. I'm grown, I go on stage, I do so many things,

like so much has happened, like I couldn't. I almost didn't recognize myself, like with how nervous I was, and in media, I was like, I've never seen this. I was very vulnerable and I felt very safe because I was with Jackie, my sister, and Emilio, but I was a different person. I didn't recognize myself. I was like, who is this person? Like I was just so nervous. And we get there and everything was kind of going wrong because the cameras were there. We didn't ask for permission.

They can't be on site, you know, and we didn't know that. So that was one thing. I was like, they're about to kick us out. I'm not gonna be able to do this. But they recognized me and they were really nice to said, hey, you know, can't have this. There's so many restrictions, guys. You can't wear a wired brawl, you can't wear any logos, you can't show any cleavage, you can't wear anything tight. You can't have it, like you have to take coins to like for the vending machine,

like there's a lot of rules. So it's my first time, and my sister, I think forgot so anyway, she had to go get a sweater. It was just this whole thing, so mind you. I'm thinking I'm gonna go straight in there, but no, so here I am, which is kind of cool because it took us at least forty five minutes to get accepted, to get in there, to show everything, like we couldn't take our phone, it's everything. So it gave me a little bit of time to just realize

where I was and what I was doing. So I was sitting there waiting and my legs were like literally trembling, and finally they let us through. I'm walking to where he is to like the meeting site, and I almost turned back. I was like, no, I don't want to do this. I want to go home. I was like, let's go, and they're like no, it's okay, Like thank goodness, like a milios of music, It's okay, babe, like it's fine, we're here, let's do it. I'm like okay, to good

deep breaths. It was very very like mind you. I'm it's weird because the energy at any like prison is very different. I'm not necessarily saying like negative, but just cold. There was no one. Everyone was, I guess in their cells like there was not There wasn't anyone in sight, and it was just this weird feeling. Not scared, but I was just I don't know, it's weird. I don't even know how to explain it. So anyways, we get there.

First I thought he was already going to be sitting there, so I could see him from the outside as there was windows. And again you have to go like through another process before going into like this open space where there's vending machines and tables and you know, and there's security in there, like you know, the the officers or whatnot. But he wasn't there, and I was like, oh my god. I was like okay. So then we had to sit down and I was like okay. I was like okay.

So we down and I was still like where do I say, like do I want to sit next to him? And I'm like, okay, I want to sit in front of him. I want to see him. So I sat in front and then it was Emilio and Jackie. I was like, okay, cool, I feel protected. I felt like,

in a weird way, I need to feel protected. And then like maybe five minutes later, he comes out and I stood up and he it was like I could see him from when he came out of the door and like walking towards and I was like, I was like as soon as I walked into that place, I was just like crying. I was like, oh my god, no, I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this, like they're like, you have to You're fine, You're fine, dude. I was a freaking baby. It was

the weirdest thing. Anyways, he comes out and I was like, okay, should I hug him? Should I not hug him? And my heart felt like yes. I don't want to be like, oh hey Dad. You know, I didn't even know if I was going to call him dad. I didn't even I didn't plan anything. So he said hi to Jackie, hugged her, said hi to Emdio, and then he saw me and then he gave me his hand. I guess he also felt like, okay, maybe she doesn't want to hug me. But I pulled him in and I gave

him a hug. I said, hi, Dad, It just happened naturally, and he said hi. And he only speaks Spanish. He understands English, but we were speaking in Spanish. And then he asked me. He's like, can I sit where you're sitting because I need to see the officer. I'm like okay. He's like, we're always supposed to. I'm like okay, cool. So we turned around. I was still in the middle because I was like, I want to feel protected, you know.

And it was very awkward, awkward at first that we were both who couldn't look in each other's eyes, Like I was nervous, he was nervous. Thank goodness for my sister that she had been there with him. And I think everything happens the way it should be, the way it's supposed to happen. I mean, because my sister already had some type of like relationship with him. So they were like joking around and I think that helped him

calm down, and it helped me calm down. And anyways, it took us a while to get to like the nitty gritty because I was I was there to handle business. I was like, I need to know if he's going to accept things, because the only way we can move forward is if he accepts. For me, that was important if you accept and you apologize to me. If not, then I have no interest in even entertaining some type of relationship. So I was kind of like, okay, okay, what are we going to talk about? I was like,

are you thirsty? Are you hungry? Because you know, we could buy stuff from the vending machine and I like to eat, as you guys know, so that helps me with my nerves. So I was like, I need to get something, like some chips or something. He didn't want anything. Jackie's like, he never eats, He never accepts anything he doesn't like, you know. So anyways, we just talked about his family, we talked about how he was doing, and then finally he's like, do you have any questions? And

I was like, no, I don't have any questions. I didn't want to ask anything to kind of like I didn't want to be the one to like prompt him, you know. I was like, no, I don't have any questions. Do you have anything you have to tell me? And he looked at me and he said, yes, I've seen you on TV. I've heard your podcast. He listened to my podcast, and he said, I know that there are words that you want to hear, and I'm more ready than ever. So then I said, okay. I said, wait,

actually I do have a question. I said okay. I said, did you were you mad at me? And he said for a long time, I was very mad at you. He said, for a long time I was, And I said okay. He said I didn't understand. I hadn't accepted a lot of things, and I wanted to blame other people and not realize what I had done. So he said, yes, that he was upset. I was like, I felt it. He's like, were you mad at me? I said no,

just until my mom died. I was like, that's when I got mad at you, because you were trying to come around. I didn't understand. I was like, why now, like why not when my mom was alive? And I was like, then I kind of got angry. But I was very angry during that time. Twenty thirteen twenty fourteen were not good years for me. I was like, I was pissed at the world. So yes, I was mad at you just then and then before that, No, And

I told her he said, I've always said it. You were a good dad, you know, and you did things that I'm not I can't excuse, but I can't say you were a horrible father, as weird as that sounds. And he said, no, I was. I was not a good dad. It was not a good dad to you guys. And I could have been better and I could have

been more present, and I'm sorry for that. And then then he said, I also heard in one of your interviews that I think it's kind of funny, you know, like it's like, how weird is it for him to like, oh, that's my daughter, you know what I mean? Like I could just I put myself into shoes. Because he's also said before he's like, it's weird because people here will call me Suegrol, which means father in law because they think you're Cue and it just bothers me and it's

like the weirdest thing or whatever. So anyways, so he told me, I saw an interview and where you said that people have called you a liar since you were little. I said, yeah, I said, it's started because of this situation, I said, and that's one thing that I've struggled with because it's always like, always called a liar, you know, like, oh she's lying about this if if it wasn't from you, it's from your family. And it really bothered me, and it really affected me. And he said, well, I want

you to know that you're not a liar. And I was like, oh my god. I was like, thank you. He's like, you're not a liar, and you only know what happened to you, and don't let anyone make you feel like you are wrong for feeling the way that you feel and for speaking your truth. He's like, does it make me feel uncomfortable that you speak about it so often? Yes, it does, but that's your truth and

you have all the right to share it. It's like, I don't understand it completely because obviously I'm on the other end, but that's your truth. I said thank you, and then he looked in my eyes and said better name said forgive me. Oh my god. I lost it. I was like, oh my god. I have been dying to hear those words forever. I was like, oh my god. You know, we didn't talk about details, but he did look in my eyes and his eyes were watering. He

said to forgive him. He said I'm sorry. I didn't understand. For a long time, I was upset at the world at God. He was young when he was in there, you know, when they incarcerated him. So and then I told him, I was like, I don't agree with the amount of time they gave you. I just feel because it was such a a public court case, that they gave you a lot of time. I was like, I don't agree with that. And I mean, I'm like, Okay, that's a justice system, but I don't agree with it.

And then he said that, He's like, no, it's like, I understand. I've heard and I've read a lot of books, and I've done a lot of research, and I do feel that I got a lot of time. He's like, but but God knew why I needed to be here and the amount of time, because barely a few years ago I started realizing and reading on a lot of things and what I did and understanding, and I didn't understand what I had done wrong until I started realizing. He's like, so the time that I've been here, he's

been there seventeen years. He's like, I literally it's been seven years that I was like, I realized what I had done and I don't want to put his business out there because it's I you know what I mean. But he's accepted a lot of things, and he also realized that things happen in his life, you know. And it was one of my worries or my concerns or my doubts, my questions, and he answered my questions, but he didn't understand that certain things were wrong, that a

lot of things were wrong, you know. And now he does, and I think that shows a lot of growth, you know. And that's what I wanted to feel. I wanted to go in there and hear those words and really feel if they were sincere. And I definitely felt that they were sincere. And his change is sincere. It's weird because since that day, he's called me a few times. We've spent time on the phone, like forty five minutes, and he called me on my birthday and he gives me

advice on my relationship. He loved Emilio, you guys, like he was. Like it was the weirdest thing because not that I needed him to accept him, because this is before we got married, but like it was they looked into each other's eyes and immediately I think that I think that's so awesome of him as a man, like knowing what happened. I've never really told him details at all.

I really haven't spoken about the details to anyone, but he knows what happened, like he's doesn't hold any anger or anything towards him, And I think that's a beautiful thing. And I think he felt that from Emilio, so he felt like, I really like this guy. He even told me later on when we spoke, He's like, I really like him. He looks like he has a very a very nice heart. I could see through his eyes that he has a good soultie when Alma and I was like, he does. So it's almost like he gave me like

his blessing. But I wasn't really looking for that, but it felt good to get it from at least one of my parents, you know. And I know a lot of people are not going to understand and think that it's weird that I went to see him. And people always wonder what you're or I've said they've now that you know they saw it on the docu follow they've commented like your mom would be so mad, like I can't believe you did that. That's betraying her. I'm like, dude,

you guys don't know my mom's heart. I guarantee you that my mother would have taken us to see him. I know my mom's heart. My mom was an impulsive woman and sometimes would get upset about things and like, you know, not talk to you, I shouldn't talk to

me for two months. But she would always come around, and she would always apologize if she was a little hard for her to apologize, but she would like with something like that, or she was a very forgiving, you know, And I'm like, she would have gone, she would have taken us. She would always She actually said a few times that she said, one day, I'm going to take you guys to see your dad, because Jackie was the one that would cry for him more and didn't really understand,

and she said, I'm gonna take you one day. I'll take you. My mom's in heaven. But I do feel like when I went to the Mountain to see my mom, I felt like in a way because I had so many questions within myself that they were answered on that day, like let go, it's okay. Like I feel like she was even with me on that day to go see

my dad. So I know people will be confused and not understand, but you guys, I have a whole book on it, you know, forgiveness better going in Spanish talking about forgiveness and the importance of it and how it liberates you to become your best self, to accomplish things. And I feel like it's helped me a lot. And even with this, it just made me feel more sure about getting married. And I'm proud of myself. It's not easy.

It was not easy, and I face this and I encourage you guys because I know this happens a lot. Sexual abuse is a real thing, you guys. And if it wasn't for my faith and for my therapy, I don't know where I would be, especially like with my mom, like never questioning me, and all of that has helped, and also forgiving. And some of us may not have the opportunity or the chance or the desire to face our abuser. But in this case it's different because it's

my dad and I'm just I don't know. I'm proud of myself, I really really am, and I feel better ever since I did that. I feel like I healed my inner child because I felt like a little girl, and it just I don't know. So I don't know what's gonna happen from here. I don't know if if we're going to have a relationship, if you know, he has a lot more years in there, and I feel bad. I'm not gonna lie because my damn, that's a long time,

you know. But I'm leaving it in God's hands. And you know, I I worry for, you know, I asked for I asked about his daughter as well, and I know she's she's still like upset with me, and I don't blame her. Maybe some of his family members as well, they don't understand. But I think that he's accepted what happened, and I think that can change a lot of things, hopefully for the positive. They don't see him in a

negative way because I do. I do worry, guys, because I definitely didn't want to show the prison that he was in, because I don't want to coust him issues, you know what I mean, Like I ask everyone to please, if you love me, if you care about me, not to make his life harder in there. Because I talk about this because it's part of my testimony, It's part of what I've gone through and what has made me the woman that I am today, but not to make him look bad and not to keep picking at that

wound for him. And that's one thing I've been meaning to tell him because now he knows. You know that it's on the doc you follow and stuff. And I'm not trying to disturb their life or make it any harder at all. It's just also, this is my story and this happened to me, and I meant to heal other people. And I do feel bad and I worry for his safety and I just want to make sure he's okay, because I do feel that he has changed,

and I do feel that people can change. You have to want to change, and I feel it and no one can say and tell me any different. Like I was there, I saw him. I have good discernment, and that's what I prayed for. I'm like, God, I want to feel if this change is real, and I do, because he even told me he's like, I don't understand completely why you talk about it so much or why you talked about it, but like I respect it and

I understand that's your truth. Because it does cause him more issues, even with his family and that's not what I'm trying to do, guys, like at all. But I'm mentioning it here on the podcast because we've talked about it so much, and I did tell you guys that I had filed the paperwork, and now I'm ready to talk about it a little bit more in detail. There are things that it was like a five hour visit, so a lot of things. We talked about a lot

of different things. But I don't feel necessarily comfortable talking about all of it because it's his personal story as well, and personal things that we talked about. But I am glad that I did it, and I'm glad that Emilia was there for me and my sister and that everything happened the way it was supposed to happen. And I feel like I got closure exactly what I needed to imagine so many years, you guys, so many years waiting for those words forgive me. I felt so validated, Like

I felt like whoa, oh my gosh. Like I was like, I wish my mom was here to see it, but I know she was with me, but I'm like, oh, I felt validated. It just it put a smile on my face. Of course, I cried and I cried. After I left, I felt so weird, but like as the days went by, I just felt like fresh, I felt brand new. I it just it felt good to finally feel validated and scene because I felt like some people thought that I was lying or my mom put this

in my head and that's not the truth. So yeah, guys, I mean, I hope that you guys learned something and feel empowered by this episode. And now that I'm here and I my dad told me that he listens and watches the podcast, I do want to say something to him. I'm saying in Spanish, guys, because you know that's how you know, we speaking communicating Spanish, So oh my god, it's crazy. Okay, dad, sos is this STEP podcast? The stepisodios or it's the josemos Pero a Reforce. So that

was for my dad. So thank you guys again, Thank you guys so much for for listening, for watching. I appreciate you, and you know I love you, and anything I talk about on this podcast is to help you in any way. Hopefully it's not triggering for anyone, and hopefully the people that don't understand will eventually understand. Thank you so much, I love you, guys, and I'll catch you on the next episode of your favorite podcast, Cheekys and Chill. This is a production of iHeart Radio and

Mike podcast Network. Follow us on Instagram at mikea Podcasts and follow me Cheeky's That's c h i q u y s. For more podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeart rate You app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your favorite shows.