That doesn't mean that I don't love my family. I love them, and it hurts me, to be honest, it hurts me that this had to happen, that things had to happen this way. And I think a lot of people expect to like, Okay, you have to love me no matter what I do, and especially when it comes to family, and that's not true. That doesn't mean that because I love you, I'm going to cover up certain things.
But I did get a comment that stated, even if you felt that certain people in your family we're doing things the wrong way, you shouldn't have talked about it publicly. Hello everyone, Happy Monday, and welcome to another episode of cheek Ease and Chill. This year is going by so quickly already, I can't even believe it. But I'm happy. It's been a good year so far. A little bumps in the road, but I can't complain too much. Today is going to be another personal episode where it's just
me and the microphone. I'm going to be talking about something I call toxic loyalty. So let's go ahead and jump right into it. This is cheek Ease and Chill, so toxic loyalty is something I've talked about on my Instagram, which is why I decided to talk about it here on my podcast. I posted a quote the other day on my Stories and it got a lot of attention. Let me read that quote for you guys. Now I wrote it myself. Actually, loyalty is a great trait to have,
but toxic loyalty is deadly. No the difference hashtag be aware. With that being said, you guys, I thought it was important for us to talk about it because I got a lot of questions in my d M about toxic loyalty and not knowing the difference, like what is toxic loyalty?
And I'm like, oh, my goodness, I guess it's something that I don't know where I heard it or I made it up, but it exists and it's very a real you guys, So I think we we're all raised, especially if you're Latin, to be loyal to your family no matter what, to be a loyal person, no matter what. And I agree to a certain extent, I think it is important to be a loyal person in business, in relationships,
in relationships with your family members, friendships, etcetera. Absolutely, it's good to be a loyal person, and I think that's a beautiful trait to have. What I don't agree with is being loyal to a vault, which means toxic loyalty. I think also, I was raised kind of like blood is thicker than water, and I've learned throughout the years that yes, you were born into a certain family, and yes you have people in the world that have the same blood running through their veins like you do, which
is called family. But I also feel and I believe, that you can have friends that become family members that you weren't necessarily born in their family and vice versa, but you consider them family members. You might even be closer to some of them than you are to your
own family members. Um So, toxic loyalty is when you are given no other choice but to be loyal even if you know that certain things are being done incorrectly or against your own values and morals, and you are forced to either stay quiet or not give your opinion or stand next to them even when you know that they are wrong. It could be a family member, it could be in a relationship, it could be with friends, it could be in any type of relationship that you have.
And I have learned to first of all, no when it's toxic loyalty and when I need to cut it. Because for so long I said yes to people and I would say no to myself. I would say yes to maybe certain things I didn't want to do that I didn't feel comfortable with because I didn't want them to be disappointed in me or I didn't want them to be upset with me, and I would be like, okay, I would feel forced to make other people happy, and I would find myself at night and by myself and lonely.
In those moments when I was just by myself, I would feel not satisfied. I would feel sad. And I started learning to say no, to not feel obligated to do certain things because it's a family member, to stay quiet because it's a family member, I think that mean. And that's another thing I posted, and it's like, no, wait a second, it doesn't matter who it is. Toxic
is toxic. And if they're not making you feel peace in your heart and in your mind, and the relationship isn't being reciprocated, like they're not giving what you give, then it's time for you to make a decision because it's gonna make you sick. It's gonna make you unhappy. And I decided last year that I am going to stop trying to hold onto relationships just because we have the same blood flowing through our veins, just because we
have years of friendship, like ten plus years. If we are not on the same page, on the same frequency, and if you're not giving what I'm giving, if you're not trying like I'm trying, it doesn't matter who you are. I have to say bye. And that doesn't mean I stopped loving you. That doesn't mean that I don't wish you well. I still wish you well, but for my mental health, for my emotional health, I have to love you from afar. And sometimes that's hard to do and
it hurts a little bit. I'm not saying it's gonna be easy. It's easier said than done. But sometimes it's okay to love people from afar for a little bit, to put things back into perspective, to reflect, to analyze the situation, and to see what changes you can also make to better that relationship. Or sometimes you don't even
have to better that relationship. Sometimes you know it can be a goodbye forever and wish them well for before the reason I want to talk about this is because, as you guys know, just recently, a few weeks back, UM, we had this little issue in our family. And I think all family members, all families have problems. Fortunately or unfortunately, myself and my family were in the limelight. So these things come out publicly. Do I wish they wouldn't absolute
freaking lutely. I wish that there were certain things that didn't have to come out in public and we can deal with these things in private. That has always been my biggest wish, and I have always wished for my family because there are very talented I have a very talented family. I admire, honestly my grandpa for coming to this country with I believe sixty cents or sixty dollars
in his pocket. I don't exactly remember if it was sixty cents or sixty dollars, but it was sixty something regardless, that's all he had in his pocket when he brought my grandma and my two uncles and my my grandma was pregnant by my mom to this country. And I admire his hustle. I admire his work ethic. He showed me to work, and he showed my mom, and it all trickled down to me, so to us. So there are a lot of things that I love about my family that I admire. There are so many talented people
and my family, my cousins as well. That's saying that play sports, and I wish that we could be different, that things could be different, but unfortunately that's not the case. You know, it is what it is. And I've learned to accept that I'm okay with being away and living some time or maybe the rest of my life away from certain people in my family because it was making me sick. And it came to a point where I had to just be vocal and stand for what I
believe in because that's what I'm all about. There are certain things I don't have to say. There are a lot of things that I don't have to say, but I share certain things with you guys, so that I can help you, hopefully, so you won't make the same mistakes I've made or we've made. That doesn't mean that I don't love my family. I love them, and it hurts me, to be honest, it hurts me that this had to happen, that things had to happen this way.
It hurts me to see certain things on social media and how certain people express themselves about certain people in my family, believe it or not see, and sometimes I'd rather not even see those things because I'm not a person that's like, oh, yeah, you deserve that, all right. No, I don't wish bad upon anybody, and I still love them. And that brings me to a quote that I found that I want to share with you. Guys, here we go.
I love you, but I'm upset with you is one of the most free important things you can say in a stable and healthy relationship. It's okay to love someone and be hurt and decide to stay away. That I think makes you a very mature person to be able to say I love you, but maybe I don't like you, because that's possible. Guys. You can love someone and not necessarily like their characteristics or like what they're about, but still love them. I've always been this way since I
can remember. Even with my mom, there were certain things that she would do that I wouldn't agree with, and I'd be like, Mom, I'm sorry, like I don't think that's right, and we would kind of argue about it. But it's kind of like and she would say, well, I'm your mother and you have to kind of agree with me. And I'm like, well, this is why individuality exists, because I am my own person and you are your own person, and I have the right to my opinion.
That doesn't mean I love you any less. That doesn't mean that I see you any different. It's just I don't necessarily agree and I think it's okay. It's always the way you deliver your message and the way that you express yourself that makes the biggest difference, because I think while growing up, for me, it was be quiet and listen you know what I mean, don't don't even disagree with me. It's like you shouldn't have an opinion.
What I'm saying goes and that's it. And that's something that I want to change with my siblings, with um my future children, is if you have an opinion, and if you're not okay with the way I'm doing certain things, maybe I'll get a little upset. But I want you to feel free to tell me, text me in, tell me you know what I don't agree with that that hurt my feelings. I think that's so important because again,
those are toxic traits. That trickle down to generation to generation, and we should be able to express ourselves and say and be okay with being honest and saying no, I'm not okay. I don't feel peace with that right now. I don't feel peace with making that decision right now just because you are ex person. If it doesn't feel right in my heart, then I'm not going to do it.
So again, that quote is I love you, but I'm upset with you is one of the most freeing important things you can say in a stable and healthy relationship. That's one. There's another. Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others. Again, not everyone is going to agree. But when you're being honest, you're being truthful about your feelings, and you're setting healthy boundaries and respecting those boundaries. Whoever
gets hurt. That doesn't mean you have to be mean about it. It's just being honest and direct and transparent. I think that makes the biggest difference. They'll be upset for a little bit, but they'll learn to respect you. And I think that's what happened to be honest in my current situation, is that I grew up and I'm a person that loves to learn and to grow, and I read books, and I go to therapy, and I
do life coaching, and I have a mentor. And for me, it's like, in order for me to do all that I'm doing and to have this podcast and to write books, I also need that I also need to refill my tank. And that's what I do. And I've learned and I've grown to say, what are the toxic traits that I have learned from my family? And I'm not saying that or from even my mom. I'm not saying that what they did was wrong. Maybe they didn't know any different.
Maybe that's what they were they were taught when they were young, they didn't know. But because I've gone through therapy for so many years, it has, I don't know, turn on a light bulb in my mind to say, I want to break generational curses. Not that my family, not that my mom, not that the way that I was raised was wrong, Because honestly, guys, I am so grateful with the way that my mom raised me. Because, like I said on a previous post, my mom was
a tough professor, but because she was so tough. I learned so much and I'm so strong. But there are also certain things that I want to do different when I have my children that I did different with my siblings raising them. I want them to be able to speak their mind. I want them to be able to express themselves certain things, because again we are taught to just be quiet and listen and don't have an opinion.
I guess it's all about learning and how are you going to be different and how are you going to also take certain things from the way that you were raised? And and you know, I mean there are great things. I'm not saying that everything was bad, because it wasn't. There's a lot of great things. There's a lot of things that I admire about my family, About my mother, you know, a lot of things, a lot of things that I'm like, damn, like she was a badass, you know.
And there are the other things that I'm like, Okay, I want to change a little bit. I want to change this for my future children. I think a lot of people expect to, like, okay, have to love me no matter what I do, and especially when it comes to family, and that's not true. That doesn't mean that because I love you, I'm going to cover up certain things, for instance, like this whole thing that just recently happened
with my family. I stayed quiet. We stayed quiet for a very long time until a point came that said, I can no longer stay quiet. I can no longer cover up for you. I can no longer say no to myself and say, okay, I'm gonna stay quiet and stay quiet to say yes to you when you know that you're doing something that's incorrect and you're trying to portray yourself differently in the media. And that's where I'm like, wait a second, I love you, because I believe it
or not. I still love my family. I want them to be okay. They might not feel the same way for me, and that's okay. But I had to do that with love in my heart and saying damn, I care about my cousins. I care about their feelings. I
care about their futures. But what's right is right. And my job as a human being and what I take pride in, no matter who you are, is standing up for what is right, what I believe is right, and having morals and standing behind those things, behind those morals and being true to that to the truth is so important to me. It doesn't matter if you're a family member and I can still love you, but hey, you're wrong, dude,
You're not doing this right. And I'm gonna just put it out there, you know, because I just I feel like, I don't know, I feel like that. That's and that's even with like my books that I write and the things that I've written about, and the songs that I write and the music that I record, it always has some truth behind it. It's not just because you know
what I mean. It's not just because SE meant the whole in It's like, wait a second, No, if I'm going to say something, it's because I firmly believe this is the correct thing to do. That doesn't mean that I have to be an agreement. I love you, but again, I don't agree with you. That's totally fine. Sometimes I think in our families, we again tend to be like, okay, well regardless, this is this is your grandma for instance.
And yes, talking about my grandma personally, I'm very grateful for her for everything she did when I was younger, for helping my mother raised me while my mom went to school and worked and she was like my first mom before my mom was my mom because she was so young. My mom was so young when she had me, So I'm very grateful. I'm not an ungrateful person for me. It's like, I am so grateful for that and for
everything you did and that you taught me. But now that I've gotten older, I've seen certain things that I'm not okay with and that I can't sit there and be okay with certain things that you either say or that you do that go against what I believe in and what I was taught. So and for Chinnely, I've had to step away, as I've said before, but that
doesn't mean that I forget everything else that they did. Like, for instance, one of my uncles was there for me when no one else was, and I'm very grateful, no matter what he may think now, But because he was there for me in that moment and during those hard days does not mean that I have to be loyal to him the rest of my life, even if he's
doing things that I don't agree with. And that's the point that I got to guys like it's like, I'm grateful for that moment that was almost ten years ago, and I'm grateful and I'll never forget that, and I will always say thank you and I'll never forget. But now things have changed, things have evolved. I have grown and I am seeing certain things and I have the courage and the strength now to say, hey, I'm not
okay with this. And so many of our elders demand respect, and just because you're younger than them, it's like you have to respect no matter what. Um well, in order to be respected, you need to respect like it's earned. Respect is earned. And I have the right to express my mind and express what I'm feeling and tell you that I'm not okay with certain things that you're doing, and you should be okay with understanding that and having
a conversation. I'm not a little girl anymore. I'm gonna tell you I'm not cool with that, and you should be able to listen to me and try to understand me, you know. So I think that those are just things that happen in our families. That it's like people just they always see you as that little girl. Just be quiet, don't say anything. It's like, wait, I'm a grown as woman now and I have a mind on my own and I need to be authentic to that, to my higher self. And I don't know if people are elders
know how to deal with that. And that's another thing they expect, you know, our elders, our grandparents, I guess, or whoever you know are uncles and aunts and maybe older cousins. They think that, Okay, well I'm the eldest. You have to look for me. You have to send me a message, yes, but also you can also text
me and see how I'm doing. You can also come over and and ask me how I'm doing, what I ate, if I'm okay, if I need anything that is all like I feel like toxic loyalty guys where it's like, wait, like, let's just erase all those all those traditional sometimes not negative but I guess I don't know what other word I can use, but stigmas of wait a second, it doesn't matter. It's like you can also don't let your ego and your pride to get in the way. You
can also ask me how I'm doing. And you can also take the opportunity to listen to me, you know. So anyways, I didn't have any notes for this, I didn't have any bullet points for any of this conversation, I just said, I'm going to open up the mic and I'm going to talk to you guys, and that's what I'm doing. So I hope I can help you guys out with any doubts or questions that you guys may have in regards to two relationships, family or non
family members. In regards to loyalty, and now that I've explained toxic loyalty, because a lot of people ask me that through my d M s, what is toxic loyalty? What do you mean? I wanted to take the time to explain that to you guys. And this is what I love about my podcast, that I could just talk to you guys about anything and everything, and I have this space to explain certain things in a way that I haven't been able to you know. So I'm so
grateful for my podcast. And without getting into too much detail because I don't want to talk about this subject too much, but in order to help others, I think it's important to be honest and to share certain things.
So I'm not gonna name anybody. I don't think it's necessary, but I have gotten certain maybe not a lot, actually, but I did get a comment that stated even if you felt that certain people in your family we're doing things the wrong way, you shouldn't have talked about it publicly because they're your family, and because no matter what they do, you should forgive them. I have a whole book, you, guys, on forgiveness. I am a hundred percent a believer in forgiving.
Some people say forgive and forget. I don't believe that. I feel that you should forgive, not necessarily forget. But if you feel that someone isn't necessarily sorry for what they did, you still can forgive. I chose to forgive my father for sexually abusing me without ever saying and admitting to it or apologizing. I said, I'm going to forgive you to liberate myself from that burden and not
carry that the rest of my life. But if someone is doing something that is not okay, especially in your family, and you're supposed to just stay quiet because they're your X, Y or Z and your family, like, defend what you feel is right, no matter who the person is. If you feel this is right, and in your heart you feel that it's right and you have peace with that,
you defend it no matter who it is. And that's where I came like this literally just happened less than two years ago, when I said, I don't care who it is if they are not bringing peace to my life and they're not giving me the same respect, the same love, I don't care who it is. I can't have that person in my life. I just can't because
I hit rock bottom. And I think I've shared this with you guys before when I was really depressed for a little bit, like for three months, and it had to do with everything going on in my family, and I was just like, what the heck? And so many things happened and came to light for me during that
time of depression. During the time of darkness, I saw so many things clearly that I said, oh my goodness, like if I don't do this now, if I don't create my boundaries and be very firm with what I'm okay with and what I'm not okay with, I'm going to live with this for the rest of my life. I have to make a change. And this is where this happened, and this is where I decided I need to stand for what is right and offend what is right. Even with my siblings, I tell them when there's something
that I'm not okay with. I tell them, hey, I don't like how you talk to your sister, maybe you should apologize. Honesty is the best policy, guys. It's all about how you deliver your message and you tell the person you know what, I'm not I don't agree with that, but if you just let it slide because you don't want to upset the person and because again toxic loyalty and it said, you know what, that's not okay in my in my book. Thank you guys so much for
listening to this episode. The whole idea behind me sharing my story is to help someone out there, So I hope I did just that from the bottom of my heart. I really do. And before we go, you guys know that I always end my episodes the motivational quote, and this one has a lot to do with what is going on, what we're talking about. So here it is. When a toxic person can no longer control you, they
will try to control how others see you. The misinformation will feel unfair, but stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth just like you did. And with that being said, guys, have a wonderful rest of your week. Again, thank you so much for listening, and I will see you guys here next week. Visit us. This is a production of I Heart Radio and michaela
podcast Network. Follow us on Instagram at Michael Dura Podcasts and follow me cheek ease that c h i q u i s. For more podcasts from My Heart, visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The