Sex, Love and Relationships

idea or bad idea. Hello, guys, thank you so much for joining me for another episode of cheek Ease and Chill. I'm your host cheek Ease. Today is February fourteenth, which means it's Valentine's Day, So Happy Valentine's Day to everyone. Love is definitely in the air. I can feel it anyway. We're dedicating today's episode to all things love and we have the perfect guest for this, So get ready because we're about to dive into another episode of cheek Ease

and Chill. Today's guest is Dr Vivienna Coles. You probably know her from lifetimes Married at First Sight. She's a license marriage and Family therapist and he certified sex therapist. We have a lot of questions about that. She's also the author of the new book The for Intimacy Styles, The Key to Lasting Physical Intimacy. Dr Vivienna, thank you so much for joining us. How are you? Oh, I'm so excited to be here. I'm really really looking forward to the fact that this is Valentine's Day and love

is on the brain and it's always on mine. So here we go. Oh mine too, So before we dive into you know many questions that I have, how does Dr Vivienna celebrate Valentine's Day? Do you do anything special? I don't know. I'm just I'm kind of nosy. So well, actually, I have a lot going on this Valentine's Day. It's pretty much my busiest time of year being a relationship and sex therapist and an intimacy expert. That's when I'm

working a lot. But I'm also really trying to spend some time with my husband and of course sharing the love with the kiddos as well. I tend to do a little trip, a romantic getaway, and this year is no different. Nice. I love that, you know what. I love Valentine's Day because yes, some people think, oh it's Valentine's day, and it's about couples. And yes, it's about couples, but it's also about friendships. And even my mom was

one that made Valentine's Day so special for us. She would make us baskets and write us cards and leave them outside of our door and we would wake up to it. So even if we didn't have a Valentine, we had that. I'm very like, I'm kind of cliche if you'd say whatever. I just I feel like we should love every single day, but to day is the day. So make sure that you tell everyone you love that you love them absolutely. And it's not just about that

room antick love just about love in general. And of course, like you said, every day should be about love, but this one is the time where you can be really cheesy and bold about it. There you go, That's what I meant, see perfect. This is why I'm talking to you today because everything I want to say is like you can say about her. So okay, So for those of you that haven't watched Married at First Sight, I want to ask you Dr Brianna, how has it been you guys are going on how many seasons? Now? We

are on season fourteen? Oh my goodness, it's so great. It's such an amazing process to be a part of. And yeah, going on fourteen seasons of really hoping to find stranger spouses that will be forever spouses. Yeah, I mean fourteen seasons. My goodness, that's awesome. Congratulations on that. Like, do you feel that it does work out? Like you know how people say, oh, love it first sight, married at first sight? What do you really feel about it?

I think it's incredible that any of our couples end up staying together for the long term, because it's already so hard when you pick the person yourself that you get to know them over months and years, But when there are other people who are looking at parts of you and trying to really sum up who you are as a whole in a relationship, I mean, that's kind

of crazy. And so the fact that we have I think about twelve couples right now who are doing awesome together, happy, growing their families, getting out there and enjoying the world together. I just think it's incredible. I do too, especially if two people are on the same page and they're looking for the same exact thing, it's like, okay, yeah, like this is what it is, and we are open to this process. I think that it just that makes the

biggest difference. And I got married once, and the thing is is that person I kind of knew was not on the same page, and it's so important to know, like from the beginning, in my opinion, like what are your future goals in a relationship? I think that makes the biggest difference. Yeah, well, we rely on our participants, especially when their when their applicants, because everybody has to apply to be on the show and go through the whole process to be married at first site and match.

We really rely on them being open and honest and authentic. But remember who they are as single people and who they think they'll be as married people. Those are really different things most of the time. And then of course to have the pressure of this being such a public process and experiment to go through, it's there's a lot of X factors here, you know, and and sometimes there are actual ex boyfriends and girlfriends that factor into and that's in a whole other things. Yeah, exactly. Okay, so

now we're talking about love and relationships. What do you feel about love languages? Do you really feel that those are important? You know, in a relationship to know like

your love language and your partner's love language. Well, I believe that intimacy is made up of two parts, emotional and physical, and the emotional part of your intimacy is so so important, and knowing your love language and knowing your partner's love language is like the easy is the most straightforward way of making sure that your needs are being met emotionally, especially if you want to be with somebody forever, especially if you want to feel fulfilled and

satisfied your relationship. Making sure that you know your love language is a really easy, easy, easy way to make sure that that happens. Yes, it's something that in this relationship and I'm in now, I'm definitely practicing like knowing, okay, what makes him happy, but also being vocal about what makes me happy and respecting each other's boundaries and things like that. So it's really helped me personally, something that I wish I would have done in my prior relationships.

But again, all those prior relationships happen for a reason, and they help me prepare for today well exactly. And I think it's also important that you're making sure to let your partner know how you like them to speak your love language. You know, we both speak different we're both bilingual, and but everybody has a dialect. And whether you're from Colombia, you're from Mexico, you're from Puerto Rico, you're from wherever, you're gonna speak a little bit differently.

And so if your partner doesn't understand that, you need to make sure that you're kind of their translator. What are the top ones for men and women? Men seem to say their love language is physical touch pretty often, right, and then women are like, for me, it's worth of affirmation. I need reassurance. Is that weirder? Yeah? So actually, with the five love languages, there really doesn't seem to be any sort of rhyme or reason as to who experiences what. I have found that with a lot of my clients

and friends, they're all over the place. I think a lot of people, uh, do enjoy the bonding part, and and that's you know, the sorry I'm going into my foreign timacy styles, but I think a lot of people do really enjoy to have the words of affirmation. But some people really just feel warm all over when they receive gifts. Other people quality time. I hear quality time quite a bit, But I think that's just because we live in a society where our time is so dispersed, right,

like it's have to. We're juggling so many different hats. You know about that, I know, and so whenever we can give somebody quality time, they really feel special. But other than that, I think most people, both and all genders, really experience them in equal ways. What about red flags? What can you tell me about red flags? Yeah, well,

I think definitely don't ignore any red flags. But also if you are truly committed to wanting to be with someone, just know that there are lots of things If if you have a lens that you're looking at love through or you're looking at relationships through, that are rose colored, right, I mean, and in this situation more like red colored, everything's going to stand out as a red flag. But I think the number one red flag that you should

never ignore is lying and dishonesty. Yes, if someone is lying about the little things, they could lie about the big stuff. And if they're having to lie about anything, that means that they're not ready to be authentically in the relationship as themselves. And you don't want to be

with somebody who's a representative of someone else. You want to be with that person because that's how you can grow together, that's how you can connect with them, that's how your emotional and your physical intimacy can grow and and go into something that's really strong and long term. But if they're lying about the little things, who weigh that red flag and get out of there? Oh my gosh, yes, guys,

I'm telling you from personal experience. That's one thing that I'm just like, Uh, lying has really caused so much damage emotionally and mentally. And I'm telling you, once you just keep ignoring that, and once you keep excusing these things, whether it's a small white lie, quote unquote, a lie is a lie, guys. And I think that is so important to just be brutally honest with your partner and just say, hey, yeah, I kind of messed up for you know. It just makes things so much easier for me.

It's like, now, I'm like, I'd rather you tell me the truth, even if it's harsh and it's hard for me to hear versus me finding out later that you weren't being honest because that happened in my past relationship. But there were so many lies. It started causing me to be very insecure and see things that weren't there because there were so many ridiculous lies in reality. I mean, they're like, they're dumb, Like why weren't you just straight

out about it? You know what I mean. I'd rather you be honest with me about anything and everything, versus lying to me just because you're like, oh, I'm just gonna cover it's not a big deal. No, it's a big deal, guys, it's a big deal. Well, and a lot of people have justifications for why they lie, but ultimately, if somebody is lying to you, they are not giving you the chance to get to know them. They're not

and and vice versa. If you tend to lie to try to impress someone, or because it's just easier than going into the minutia of having to work things out, or maybe you know what's going to upset your partner or your hopeful partner in the future, I feel like those are not good enough reasons because you are basically cutting off that person's ability to get to know you and for you to get to know who they really are. So you're just delaying the inevitable. It's not going to

work out because you're not going to know each other. Yeah, so it's just better to just be hey, let it all hang out, guys, this is what it is. It's better before we move on to your book, because I have a lot of questions about your book. I wanted to ask about sex. I'm very I'm want to be very open about everything, so I so I like she's the perfect person to ask. So how important is sex in a relationship? Like being sexually attracted to your partner.

So when sex is going great in a relationship, people barely even think about it. They probably say that it accounts for ten percent of the satisfaction that they feel within the relationship. But when it's not going well, people will report that it accounts for seventy of the dissatisfaction in their relationship. So when it's going well, it's going great, and when it's not going well, it's going terribly. Yeah. Okay, So do you think that what's like the number of

times a week that you think is healthy? You know, like one twice a week. And I think it's different for everyone, but like for women, I feel like I don't know. I'll let you answer. You tell me what, tell me, tell me what you think come on, let's talk about what you okay, is healthy and typical. Okay, So I personally feel that if you're having sex every single day, I feel like you don't have time for intimacy. Like my type of intimacy is lay with me and hug me and hold me, you know what I mean.

Like that's what I really enjoy. And it's like, well, maybe we have one or two days like that and then we just bang it out, you know, the third day and then maybe on the weekend. So I feel like it's healthy two or three times a week. I don't know. I don't know if that's a little bit or a lot, but I do. As for me, I

need you to simulate my mind. You stimulate other parts of my body, but like I need you to stimulate my mind and asked me how my day was, and rub my head and watch Married at First Sight with me, you know that stuff that makes me happy? Well that and you and a lot of people feel that same way.

And actually that does kind of go into the for intimacy styles because what you're describing wanting to have a lot of that bonding that happens, that that feeling like you're emotionally connecting through the sexual side and through the central part. And then you also said, but then there are other times where it's like, let's just bang it out.

And I think a lot of that has to do with just that wanting to release, wanting to have that you know, kind of that orgasm or ejaculation, or just feeling like your body is the tension is releasing, and that's more of the release style and the reason that I think it's so important for people to round out their intimacy style and experience all four of the intimacy styles within every single sexual experience. So we've got were least, bonding, responsive,

and giving. If you can experience a little bit of each one at every time, then it doesn't matter if you're having sex once a week or five times a week. You're you know you're getting what you need and you know your partners getting what they need. So as a sex therapist, I tend to really recommend that people experience some sort of sexual or sensual activity at least twice a week. And the reason for that is, you know, there are so many different parts of us that we

have to share with other people. But if at least twice a week. You're connecting with your partner in a way that you don't do that with anyone else. I think it will continue that connection and it will remind you that what's important is that two of you are together and connected and then you can conquer the world. But I do so I think twice a week is pretty good. But remember it doesn't have to always be intercourse. There are lots of fun things that people can do

sexually to really enhance that physical connect Nice. Okay, so we're good. Oh my goodness, yes, yes, Dr Rianna said it. We are good. Yes, you gotta start. Yeah, because if if my boyfriend probably want to do it every single day, and I'm like, dude, relax, like you know what I mean.

I'm like, anyways, I'm not gonna you know, well, And I think for a lot of men um the American Medical Association recommends that men have three to four ejaculations a week for their prostate health, and that does not mean that it has to happen through intercourse. So you can tell him like, I'll help you out a little bit, but you gotta take care of yourself. I know what you mean. Oral sex that helps and and your hands guys, as long as you're helping your mind. I'm telling you,

this is what I love about the podcast. I could just say and talk about anything and everything. And I'm so happy that I'm talking to you because I'm the type of woman that I really have all these questions. I'm like, I don't care. I'm gonna put it all out there. I just so I can help others. Now, I do want to get into your book, your new book before Intimacy Styles. Okay, so tell us. I know you we talked about it a little bit, but can you please tell me a little bit about it. Sure.

So the four intimacy styles are um, they are released, giving, bonding, and responsive. And the point of knowing what your intimacy style is is you go online. You can take a quiz or it's in the book, and it will tell you what percentage of each of the four you tend to experience at any given sexual experience. So the goal is to get to each that's going to ensure that every single sexual experience that you have with your partner is going to really satisfy and fulfill your intimate connection

in that way. Now a lot of people are taking this quiz and finding out that they're very lopsided, that they're hardly one and a whole lot of the others. And it's not that that's wrong, but it's not optimal

for you to stay satisfied in the long term. But the reason I wrote this book, I'll be very honest with you, is because I have so many clients who come to me because they're feeling disconnected sexually and they're either on the brink of divorce, on the brink of cheating, totally disconnected, feel like roommates to hear that all the time and just don't have that connection between each other. And I wanted to figure out a way to help them avoid that because so many people want to get married,

so many people want to think of forever. But when the physical connection is gone or doesn't ever really get off the ground, then the long term viability of that relationship, whether they're married or not, goes way down. Yeah. Oh my goodness. See, And I think that this is important. I'm for sure going to take the quiz and I'm

going to have my boyfriend do it too. I think just because we are, you know, evolving creatures, and we're changing all the time, and especially if you've been married for many years or with someone for many years, you know you're bound to change. So I think it's always good to learn about your partner and learn how you can better your relationship, and I think this is a

great way to do so. And even at the beginning of a relationship, Chise like, even at the beginning, it's important to know where you are because over time you're going to need to transform into having that rounded out intimacy style where there's of each in order to keep up with your partner's needs as they change a decade down the road, twenty years down the road. I mean,

if we're lucky, we get to do all that. But a lot of people don't put in that work to figure it out now, so then it slaps them over the head, you know, much later on, and then they find themselves totally disconnected and really wanted to go elsewhere. For sure. Well, because in my mind, I'm thinking, like you know, before we moved on to the subject, we were saying other ways to stimulate our sexual needs without penetration,

I guess, or whatever you want to call it. So what are those things Dr Briana that you recommend that we do with our partners. That isn't necessarily intercourse. Yeah, Well, if you're looking for bonding before and after and during a sexual experience, this is where you get to talk about what it is that y'all are doing and how it affects you, how it makes you feel, how it makes your partner feel. Really wanting to make the most

out of that experience sometimes takes talking about it. And I'm not talking about like, oh, move here, do this, pull my lege, here, pull my hair. I don't. I don't mean with the mechanics of it, but how it makes you feel. So many people don't ever talk about the feelings that they have about their partner um and they they may be feeling that after glow, but they

don't ever talk about it. It's like okay, high five and we're done, okay, which is which is fine sometimes, but when it's all the time and you don't really know what it is that you're getting out of or what your partners getting out of a sexual experience, then it's hard to really know if you're getting it right. So make sure that you're talking about how it makes you feel and how good you feel when you've done that, or when you're about to or even during it's okay.

And then for people who are let's stay more responsive. So responsive people tend to take a back seat. They don't really and they don't really initiate sexuality. They tend to only think about it when their partner brings it up. Um. But then they want to in order to please their partner and or in order to connect in that way. But they just aren't going to be the ones who

are the initiators. They're not. They're not like thinking about it all the time and like coming up with you know, role playing and fun things to do and researching the latest loubes. They're not, you know, they're just not doing it. They're game for it when their partner brings it up, but it's not something that kind of comes from within them. For those people, it's going to be important that they

share with their partner that that's what's happening. It's not that they don't want to, it's not that they don't care about it. It's just not something that comes naturally that's knocking inside, like, hey, let's have sex, let's have sext Some people have that and some people don't to a degree, So they're gonna need to either let their

partner know, hey, I'm all for it. I'm just not going to be the one to initiate as often, or they need to get out of their shells, set an alarm, you know, Wednesday nights at eleven pm after married at first sight to do a little bit of initiation to get out there. Yeah, because now that you bring that up, I have to be honest, I'm not wanting to initiate. And and that was just brought up to me, like I'm I'm I'm the one to say, hey, well, if

you want it, let's do it. Like I'm not gonna say no. I won't say no, but he did kind of mention I want you to look for me a little more. But I'm like, you're always looking for me, so you don't give me the chance, which I'm fine with. But it's like, I don't you know, I've nailed it, right, Okay,

It's so common. It is such a common thing that comes up, and it's so misinterpreted, right because if he's judging your desire for him based off of how many times you initiate sexuality, then how much do you really like him? Chicks from really, it doesn't seem like very much. But if that's not the case, you have to talk about it. And I think it's important. You're going to be together for hopefully a really long time, you have

to divvy up the initiation responsibility. I think it's so important that you learn how to A lot of women are raised to let a guy chase them and to be the ones who are pursued, and that's just quote unquote how things work and how things are. But if you're going to be with somebody for a really long time and you're the only one that's saying you want to do something, or you're the only one that's holding the torch for your love life and your sex life,

that gets old really fast. Think about all the other responsibilities that we wouldn't want to be solely obligated to do and be responsible for. So I just think it's very important that you talk about it. And if you are uncomfortable with initiation, some women just feel really awkward doing it. They don't really know how um. They kind of feel a little bit like immature when that happens. Talk to your friends about it, talk to her. Relationship therapists like myself. We have lots of tips on how

to do that in a more comfortable way. Okay, well I'm gonna initiate tonight, all right. I got something sexy, so I was like, you know what, maybe if I'm feeling sexy, I put something sexy on. Maybe I'll be like, okay, cool, because it's not like I don't get horny guys. I do. But I'm just I don't know, I don't, I don't know. It's weird. I thought about it after he said, I'm like, oh my goodness, I guess you're right. But it's because you're initiating. I'm like, alright, cool, like I'm down to

do it, like you know what I mean. But I guess a guy does also want to be you know, pursued and especially sexually. So absolutely, I'm doing it. I'm doing it. I'm absolutely. So many men are feeling like they are not wanted by their partners. And what happens is if you're having sexual experiences when you feel like your partner doesn't want you, that turns into a really weird, non consensual almost like he's doing something quote unquote to her, and that's not a good place for a good guy

to be. Yeah. No, absolutely, thank god, I'm talking to you, So okay, good ladies. I don't know if you are listening and you also have this some quote unquote issue, but I recommend getting something sexy and just I think that's also a way of just be like, bam, I'm ready. You know. I think with that in itself is like oh damn, she's, she's, she's. She wants it well, And it can be something nonverbal. So you just said something

that's a nice little visual initiator. But you know, some people will have two different candles on their nightstands and if somebody is feeling like they're in the mood, they'll light their candle and if the other person lights theirs, and that's a sign. Other people will just flat out say like, hey, do you want to mess around? Um? Other people will use even more colorful language. You know,

whatever floats your boat, that's fine. People will be like, we got the kids to bed, let's go upstairs, you know, whatever, whatever it takes. But some people are more nonverbal and some people are more verbal, and I think you need to just kind of try a little bit of everything. Just sure it happens. Yeah, for sure, put your hands somewhere, you know, you know, and and that will get started. Okay, so um, I do have another question. I'm sorry, So, what are other tips you have for achieving a long

and happy relationship. I think a lot of couples start to assume that they know their partners. A lot of people assume that they know how a conversation will go, and so then they start to break down the communication. I think over time, we have to communicate even more than we do when we're trying to get to know someone so that we can continue to grow together and

move through life together. If you're not communicating because you think you know your partners so well, you can avoid the conversation altogether or avoid a potential argument altogether, again, you're not giving them or your relationship the opportunity to grow together. And that's when people really tend to call it quits, or worse, they don't call it quits and things just deteriorate so and it just gets so bad that they end up not wanting to be together, or

one person ends up leaving or cheating. So I think it's just very very important to continue to communicate, even when you think that you know exactly what your partner would say or how they would react give them the opportunity to do that. Yes. Absolutely, communication is key and that's something that I have learned throughout the years and

that I'm trying to do different in this relationship. And also asking questions instead of assuming has really helped me out, like hey, did I misinterpret this or did you really mean this? That has helped me so much. So communication is so important. That's a huge one. This is something that I teach my clients quite a bit, is when they're when they think that their partner has said something, or if they are hurt by something that their partner says.

Instead of responding to that simply asking, hey, it sounds like you just said this. Is that what you meant, even if you're a little upset when you're asking, it gives them the opportunity to either double down and say, yes, that's what I meant and then you can respond to that, or it gives them an opportunity to say, oh my gosh, no, like that's not what I meant at all. I'm sorry you heard it that way, this is what I meant.

So many arguments are caused by a miscommunication. Absolutely, and we're not perfect, So why would you assume that everything that comes out of our mouths. It's going to be so perfect. There are gonna be times when we say the wrong thing. It just happens. And would you want world War three to, you know, break out in your home because of a miscommunication. No, So always respond back with, hey, this is what I heard? Is that what you meant? And give them a chance? Oh my goodness. Yes. And

picky pick and choosing your battles is another one. Oh my gosh. I can sit here and talk to you all day and like you're you're confirming so many things for me right now, I'm learning so much. Before you go. I'd like us to do a quick Q and a great I'll be asking you a series of questions related to dating, love, and sex, and you'll answer them. How does that sound great? Let's do it here we go. Sex on the first date? Good idea or bad idea?

Can it ruin your chances for a serious relationship? I think it's a good idea if you both have had the talk about what it is that you're looking for. If you just want to hook up with somebody on the first date and the other person feels like they're down for it too, totally fine. Now, if you're looking for something more long term, you have to know for yourself that doing that isn't going to freak you out,

scare you off. Or if you're also one of those people who judges everything by the first impression, then probably having sex on the first day is not going to go well because there's so much growth that can happen in a long term relationship or even after three months of having a sex with someone and you can really prove. So if your first impressions mean everything, don't do it.

But if it's something where you're like, oh, I'll try anything and we'll be fine, we can work through it, we can talk to it, go for it right as long as you're that type of person where it's like okay, because I know myself would probably be like, well does he do this with every other girl? You know? So it's like, if you're that type of person, maybe yeah, it's not the right thing. I'm all about whatever tiles

are pickle live and let live. But I was like, I have to ask that question because so many people are always like, Hey, should I kiss him on the first day? Should I like him? Like, just let it flow, You'll if you wouldn't want to be with somebody who did that with someone else, then don't do it because you're already basically sabotaging the relationship exactly. Okay, Should you tell someone you're looking for marriage or a serious relationship

on the first date. I think it's important to be open about that, um so that people understand what it is that you're trying to accomplish. If you wouldn't want to be friends with them, then don't tell them that you would. Oh you know, let's let's get to know

each other and be come friends. For a lot of people, they're very serious about I'm only going to spend time with the opposite sex or with whoever it is that you're attracted to if it's going to try to grow into something, So be honest about that, or else you're lying and remember going back to lying, don't do that if you're If you're really wanting to be with somebody and get getting to know them, it's okay to say that. Okay, perfect. Should you tell your date you have kids on the

first date. Yes, I think it's important even before you go on that first date that you share what your situation is. Just like if you were still married, just like if you're about to move across the country. These are all things that for some people mean a whole lot and are non starters. So in that if it could possibly be a deal breaker, I think it's important that you share that. Yeah, I completely agree. Absolutely. Okay, sexting is it good for play or can I get

you into serious trouble? Well there's an app for that to keep you out of trouble. I think it's really always very important to keep your private life private and confidential, So look for different apps, you know, both online and on your cell phone that allow to keep things private. You do not need pictures or texts getting to people who don't need to be the intended recipient. So yeah, there's an app for that. And I think it can be really hot and sexy for sure. Yeah, yes, I

like Dr Vivian. I think it's it's so cool because I'm like, well, yeah, I think it's but absolutely, be very careful you guys, if you're sending like you know, movie pictures or whatever, just be careful. Okay. Our threesomes a good idea for traditionally monogamous couples all in all, Typically, no, they are not a good idea. It is a very

very sensitive and tricky situation. You have to get help with some from somebody like myself, somebody who is a marriage and family therapist, who is a relationship there is a sex therapist, somebody who can really walk you through to make sure that you don't jump on any land mines like a lot of people do. It's one of those things where sometimes the fantasy is better than the reality,

and keeping it in the fantasy tends to work out better. Yes, And I think something that I've done and I brought up to my partners, like what if I put on a wig one day and it's like you feel like you know what I mean, Like we pretend that we just met at the bar and like, you know, doing that type of role play rope play. There you go. It went out of you know, but yeah, rope play. I think. I mean it's fun, guys. I mean I think it's for me personally. You know. Again, whatever flects

your vote. I just so I wouldn't want to bring someone into my relationship just because I think it opens up a whole other door that I'm just not willing to I don't want to share that. That's just me though. So there's a buzz word, um, a really important word that I think a lot of people don't know about, but they know what it is, um if they heard it. It's called compersion, and that's the ability to feel true happiness for someone and else for your partner if they're

experiencing sexual satisfaction from someone else. So when your partner is happy sexually, whether it's with you or someone else, you still feel happy for them. That is not something that a lot of people, especially in our society, are socialized to do. A lot of times it's it's all

about jealousy and possession. So it's not for everyone. But if you can truly feel compersion for someone, then that's when the idea of possibly opening up or swinging or having a threesome uh, can be something that you bring into just the dialogue of your relationship. But there are a lot of factors that people don't think about, so it's not something you just try. Yeah, I gotta prepare for it. Yes, speak to Dr Bribana before you guys decide that. Um, Okay, what do you think about being

friends with your ex is? Do you think that's a good thing a bad thing? What is your professional opinion on that. Unless you have legal or relational ties. Let's say that there's family that you have to share with them, or if you have kids together, if you have a business together, I say, don't do it. Do not do it. Excess tend to be the number one reason why people

break up and in future relationships. So if you can cut them off all together, I think it tends to lend itself to being just a happier, less insecure place. People already have insecurities as it is. If you have to add on an X that doesn't have to be a part of your life, you're just adding one more block against you. Yeah, great answer. Yes, Okay. Is living together before marriage a good idea? What do you think

about that? I think it's a great idea. I think that getting to know somebody and getting to know how they live, getting to know if your daily lifestyles or something that are compatible or not. There's no way to really do that without actually spending some time together. Also, it helps you to understand the commitment to someone else else. If you were to live with them, you can't just

get up and leave. Or maybe if you're the kind of person that tends to get up and leave every time there's an argument that would be something that they wouldn't know if you didn't live together. There's just a whole lot that you can discover from having with someone, And I believe that making that decision to be married and to be with someone long term, get as much information as you possibly can, unless you're on Marrie at first site, where you get zero information, but that's a

unique situation. I truly believe that it's it's good to just kind of, you know, live together and know each other, and then you'll just know like faster and sooner, like hey, this is the person I would be okay with living with or being married to for the rest of my life. So okay. What are important compatible indicators that we should be looking for when looking for a partner. It's a tough one, but trying to figure out if you have a similar outlook on life. That's a really broad way

of saying. Do you see things similarly? Are your goals and life similar? Do you see your spiritual side similarly? Do you see the reason for living? Is that something that's similar? Personality wise, people can be all over the place, but if you have similar values, belief systems, goals. Those are things that I think people should really try to have similar ideas on or else they'll have to overcome those things. And there's always going to be other things

to overcome. So it's not that it's a no go if you have different ideas, but you're going to have to figure out how that will look in actuality. You know, for instance, if somebody wants kids and and and somebody doesn't, somebody's going to get their way, So that that's a really tough one for a lot of people. But you don't know that unless you're really starting to ask and you know, getting to know somebody in the dating phase, while you're living with them, while you're traveling with them.

There are a lot of things that you can change.

I'm a huge believer in the possibility of change for people, But there are things that people may not want to change or want to sacrifice or compromise on, and you have to ask those questions in order to get the answers, and then you have to figure out if that's okay with you from the get right now that we're talking about it, politics, like do you think it's important that couples are on the same not necessarily political party, but that they have the same views, or do you think

that you could just put that to the side. I think it's something that people can work through. I've seen it, I've experienced it. It's something that I know it's possible

for people to compromise on that. But if you are a huge activist, almost like if you're an orthodox person in your religion, if it's part of your life, it's part of your daily life, it's it's the glasses you wear and it's how you see your life, then it's probably going to be much more difficult to live with somebody and and really grow with somebody who feels not just differently but opposite. You know, friend is good, Differently fun,

different creates the spice of life. You know, that's that's awesome. But when you feel like it's antagonistic, when it's oppositional and contradicts the way that you look at things and it's the way you live every day, that's probably not going to go. Well. Okay, good to know it's important to respect your significant others, Austen, you know, feelings and all that good stuff. So final question, I'm sorry. I know I knew I was gonna like bombard you with questions,

but this is my final question. How long should you wait before getting engaged? Wow? Um, well you ask the wrong person because I eloped after six months, so you know, I don't know that there's any correct amount of time.

I think you just have to know that you have gotten enough information from your partner to know that you will be able to work through the majority of the things that you can foresee will come up in your life, and that you have good communication skills, you have respect, a lot of respect and support from the people around you to get through the times that are going to

be difficult that you can't foresee. Right, once you feel like you've got those two things, you know that you can work through the unforeseeable and that you can work through the foreseeable, I think that that's the perfect time to get engaged and start planning your wedding. Personally, if after a year we've been dating and you don't know if I'm a woman you'd like to marry for I just personally, I'm like, Okay, well, it's not that I'm

asking you on the first year. You have to ask me to marry you, but you don't have to kind of know, like, oh, I I want to marry this chick, you know what I mean? If not, it's kind of like, what are we doing here? I decided that when I entered my thirties, I like whoever I date, and if after a year they don't know if they want to marry me, that doesn't mean they have to put a ring on it, but we have to have some type of conversation. If not, it's kind of like, what's up?

You know? That's just me well, and I think for a lot of people it is, especially for women, there is this biological thing that we have to consider. If you're wanting to try to have kids by a certain time, if you have career goals and aspirations, if you have travel goals, if you have physical goals that you want to try to have by a certain time, then it does start to make sense to say, let's kind of push this along. But there are people in their in

their twenties. There are people in the thirties and their freties who are like, I don't necessarily need to be married. I just want to be building a life with you. And I think a lot of that comes from just wanting to have predictability in your life, wanting to be able to foresee what the next week, month, year is going to look like, being able to plan. I'm a planner. I I love to know what's happening in the next year.

And I think that knowing that you and your partner on the same page helps you to feel like you can really rely on them and that the predictability comes in and it just feels good. Right. Yeah, for a woman, it's just being able to having some type of stability and being able to rely on your significant other for me is huge, you know. Now, after I've been married and and divorced or almost, I don't know what's going on with that, but I do feel like marriage isn't

necessarily necessary. I feel like, as long as you know that I'm the woman for you and that we're going to do this together, you're gonna be my life companion. I need to have some type that security in order to just keep going after a while. But honestly, I just feel like, even if we don't get married, it's cool, Like I'm good with that, you know what I mean. I'm not opposed to it. If we get married, awesome,

if you If we're not going to get married. So I don't feel like a piece of papers should define that or how much we love each other because I feel like maybe it's not fair to say that because I've already been through it. But you know, as far as like my boyfriend, my boyfriend has to well, there's a there's a level of commitment right in the C word that that commitment, right, commitment something that comes up so much, not just in my practice but on the show.

Like commitment is when you can both look to each other and say, I am not going to leave unless you know this, this, this, or this happens and you need to know what this, this, this, and that are. And if you have that converse station with your partner and you both can agree to it and commit to each other, then the legal part is just an additional boundary and and kind of reminder. It makes it a

little bit harder. But the truth is there are people who are not divorced, who are married and who lived together for a long time because getting a divorced isn't as important. They just or they can't afford it. You know, there's all sorts of situations, but I think the commitment piece and having the communication about the Commitment is what really matters, especially nowadays. Yes, that's the key word, commitment and communicating with them and letting them know, look, I'm

gonna make this work. I'm gonna try until trying is no longer an option. And if you do this, if you lie, if you cheat, and you know, there's another one out there that I haven't thought, but but like those, you just have to kind of just set those you abuse me, you know, physical abuse, there's financial abuse, there's so yeah, so abuse and betrayal and lying and all that for sure. And remember it does and have to be a this happened, so I'm done. It can be

this happened, or this seems like it could happen. Let's get some help and see if we can work through this and really prove to ourselves that we can't or that we can and we can actually even possibly grow closer after going through a tough patch, leaving a relationship

right away under really any circumstances. That doesn't mean you have to be together, but at least try to work through it and talk about it through with a therapist because if not, it will continue to plague you, and it will it will haunt you going into future relationships if you don't feel like you really understand what's going on. Some people feel like they love too soon. Some people,

of course, feel like they left too late. But when you can talk to a professional who deals with this all the time, we can really walk you through it and you can feel better about your decision. Absolutely, absolutely, uh Dr Rianna, honestly, thank you so much. I have learned, and you have confirmed, and you have helped me quite a bit, and I to our listeners I'm sure feel

the same way. So thank you. And before you go, I want to leave everyone with day with a quote that I found, and I want to ask you what you think about this. Okay, I kind of already know what you're gonna say. But regardless, one, love is real. It doesn't lie, cheat, pretend to hurt you, or make you feel unwanted. I love that. I think what's great about that one is that the leaving you feeling unwanted. Um, it's so important to show somebody, both emotionally and physically

that you want them. And if you're unable to as much physically as emotionally, that's okay. If you're unable to emotionally as you are physically that's okay, but a song as you're letting them know, then you have a chance. Oh my god, honestly, I honestly like, I feel so connected with you and I'm so happy that I was able to speak to you. So thank you so much. You're so beautiful. I wish you guys could see her. You guys, she's beautiful. Thank you. You are you really are.

Before you go, Dr Vivienna, let us know where our listeners can find you, and again, mention your book. Please, yeah, absolutely so. If you go on to my website, spell it out, Dr Vivienna dot com. My book is the Four Intimacy Styles and you can find it all at four Intimacy Styles dot com and on social media spell it out, Dr Bavianna. That's where I am. I have a style page there, I have a YouTube channel, I have all sorts of fun stuff and um, I love

to connect with everyone, so please um connect with me. There. There you have it, guys, Thank you so much for listening. Dr Vianna. Hap yes, thank you guys so much. You guys soon or you guys will hear soon. Anyways. Okay, this is a fellows bye. This is a production of

My Heart Radio and Michael podcast Network. Follow us on Instagram at Michael Dura Podcasts and follow me chick Ees That's c h i q u i s. For more podcasts from My Heart, visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. H