My Sexual Abuse Story

and how I've managed to move forward with my life. So, without further ado, let's get into this week's episode of cheek Ease and Chill. Okay, guys, this is a pretty hard topic to talk about. UM. I have been open about being sexually abused by by my father, my biological father. I've never really talked about it in detail. I've written about it in my book Better On, but again not even I didn't go that deep into detail. I've said it over and over again, guys. I want to share

my experiences to hopefully help others. That's why I share so much. That's why I'm so open. I'm so transparent. I write books because I feel like the only way to help others is by being honest. I was actually

abused by my father the first time. I remember, I was eight years old, and I'll never forget this day because at that time, we were living with my dad, my sister Jackie, Mikey, and I and what we were going to do was live with dad six months out of the year and see my mom on the weekends, and then the other half of the year we were going to live with my mom and then see my

dad on the weekends. So that was something that we had or my parents had decided when they separated, and my mom was really focused on on working and doing real estate, so we had decided that we were going to live with dad. First. I say we because my mom did ask me and I said, okay, that's fine. Again, during this time, there was never an issue, I mean because we lived with my dad and my mom, and yes, I grew up saying a lot going on in my household.

There was domestic violence um in our home. So I I personally did feel it was sad when my dad left, but I did feel that it was the best decision because they were just unhappy and they were always arguing and I didn't have a problem with my dad. If anything, I had a really close relationship with both my parents.

So when we lived with my dad, we were living in a two bedroom apartment with his sister, and I remember my dad had this blue bumtom bed and it was a twin bed on the top and then on the bottom it was a queen and we all slept. My brother Mikey slept on the top, and then my dad and my sister Jackie and I slept on the bottom butt And then things started happening, stuff that I was I was not aware. We're wrong at the time, to be honest, in my house, this is another thing

that I want to talk about. My mom didn't talk about sex with us. With me, it was a taboo. It was something you don't talk about, you know what I mean. And I didn't know. I didn't know what sex was. I just knew that I had in between my legs and I had to wash it, and that's all I knew. And again, guys, I'm going to be try to be kind of vague, but I'm gonna I'm gonna be straight up here, you know, So we're gonna

cut it. So that's all I really knew. When I would wake up in the middle of the night and my dad's hands where we're in my panties, I was just like, I didn't know. I I honestly was just shocked. I wasn't sure. I know it felt uncomfortable, but I didn't know it was wrong. As weird as that sounds, I felt it was a form of him showing me affection. It was always I was always I would always wake up to this. I mean it happened more often than not,

and that was always at night. Now, one time I was eight years old and I was still living with him, we went to the beach and it was a beach day, and my cousins went and my aunt went, and it was, you know, a beach day. It was on the weekend, and my sister, Jackie and I. I'll never forget that day because Jackie almost drowned that day. I remember my dad was off flirting with some girl and I was left with my sister, my baby sister, she was four

years old at the time. We were holding hands and we were kind of just playing in the water, and then a big wave came and took Jackie literally out of my hand, and I just remember watching her and she was like in this little churnado of water. I don't know what to call it. And she was just like going around in circles right before my eyes, and I was yelling and I was like, oh my god,

what do I do. My dad was over there learning with some girls, and my cousin, who was a little older than me, went into the ocean and rescued my sister from there. It was like beach day was over. We went back home. Everyone was scared, and my dad sent me to go shower. And it was during the day. It was like I must have been like three pm, four pm, something like that, and he said, you know, go shower. And I remember saying okay, because Jackie and

I would shower together. And he said, no, no no, she has she's going to eat. You. Go ahead and shower. And I was like, okay. So I went to shower, and a few minutes later, I was taking off my clothes and you know, because we were all sandy, you know, the sand everywhere. He walks into into the into the bathroom and he starts kind of getting addressed and he's like in his boxers and I'm about to get in the shower and he's like, no, no no, hold on. He sits on the on the toilet, closes the lid of

the toilet. Of course it's on the toilet, and then says, sit on my lap. So I did, and that's when I just started feeling pressure down there, and I remember just screaming and saying no, and I was started crying and I just he says okay. He was like, you know, yeah, you get in the shower. So I got in the shower and I was just crying and I just like cornered myself and he came into the shower with me and just said, you know, don't worry. And he even said, you know the way at the end, it am on

that a Mexico. We mean a Mexico. And I was like what so of course I'm eight years old, and I'm like I don't want to I'm not and I just did quiet. It stopped for a little bit after that. I just knew that it hurt. I was like, something doesn't feel right. It hurts, and I'm like, okay, something's weird. So I just started telling my mom, Mom, I don't want to live with dad anymore. It had been like a couple of months and I was like, Mom, every weekend, I don't want to go back to my dad's my

my aunt. I would say, she's mean to us, she's mean to us. Can we just stay with you? And I begged her so much that finally she's like, Okay, fine, fine, you'll just live with me and you'll go see your dad on the weekends. And I had to find any excuse for a long time because I was scared, you know, not to go to my dad's house. And I would always sleep next to him when we would go because I didn't want Jackie to sleep next him because I was worried. I'm like, okay, what if he's doing that

to her? And I never said anything when I realized that it was wrong. But something was weird was when I was ten years old because kids at school, I was like in fifth grade. Then they started talking about sex and kissing and boys and all this stuff. Mind you, I had been going to church, so I was very like into religion, Christianity with my grandma and my mom. She would go to church every Sunday. So at school is when you start hearing all these things from other kids.

And I had a best friend at the time. Her name was Vanessa, and she was very very advanced, you know, I was. I was a little bit more innocent, I could say, because again I was in church, and we didn't talk about those things in my in my household, about sex and about all these things and about kissing,

about all this stuff. So I started learning about this from my friend Vanessa in school and I was like, oh my gosh, like that sex, like when we started talking about it and you know, and kissing and touching and all this stuff, you know, it was just it was crazy. And I remember telling her. I was the first person I ever told was my friend Vanessa, and I told her, well, you know, I think something's going on because my dad does this and he touched as me and all this stuff. And she was like, oh

my gosh, you have to tell someone. And I'm like no, no, no, no no. I was so scared. I was like, no ways, it is gonna send me to Mexico and I'm never gonna see you. I'm never gonna see my mom, my brother and sister. I was so scared, and I never said anything, and she promised me that she would never say anything, and I didn't say anything. I think I was ten years old when I told my aunt Rosie, who was also sexually molested by my by my dad.

The reason I told Rosie was because Rosie had this thing with me, like she was always kind of like upset and I didn't understand. I was like, why is she always mad? And it always felt like she was mad at me? And I always just wanted to be cool and hang out with her and her friends, you know. And she was four years older than me. So one day I just said, since I had already known, Okay, what's happening with my dad is wrong and it's weird, because I talked to Vanessa and Vanessa told me and

she confirmed it to me. My friend Vanessa, remember, I just said it one day to her. We were in my grandpa's office and I told her straight out. I said, I know why you hate my dad so much. Because she would talk really bad about my dad and she's like, oh, your dad's here, your dad's here, and like she would be like, you know, she would just make comments, just negative comments. And finally I just told her, I said, I know why you hate my dad so much? And she said, oh, tell me, why do you Why do

I hate him. Let's see what do you have to say? And I said, because he does to me what he did to you. Where I got that from? I have no idea where I got the balls to even tell her that. And she just like because her feet were up on my grandpa's desk and then they just dropped and she looked at me. She came up and she's like, how do you know that? And I'm like, I don't know. I just know. I said, because that's why you hate him so much. And she just started crying and she's like,

does it still happen? And I'm like no, And at that time I wasn't lying because it stopped. It had stopped, and she started dating like his his now wife, and it kind of just subsided a little bit, and I said, no, it's not anymore. She said, we gotta tell mom, we gotta tell your mom. We gotta tell and I'm like, no, I'm scared. I don't want to tell her. I'm scared,

Like I'm scared, like what if my mom. I always thought my mom was going to kill him and then he's going to be in jail and I was gonna be in jail and he's gonna be dead, like where am I going to be? Where am I going to live? And they're a was just like, okay, fine, I won't say anything, but if it ever happens again, you better tell me, and we have to tell. And I said okay, and I promised her and then started up again and I never said anything because I was so scared. Now

my whole point was sharing this, you guys. It's because for a long time. Of course, I was quiet about it since I was eight years old till I was twelve. It really did affect me in school. I could not concentrate in school, my grades. I I was not held back,

but I was in s RP. I don't remember. It was like a special program because I was delayed in reading, ing in my math, and I had to like be pulled out of class and it was like the special program of like five children that would get like special just education one on one with the teacher because I was so delayed. And it was because of all this thing that I was caring. I was caring this at such a young age, not telling anybody about it, and I felt the shame of like I felt dirty. I

felt like, oh my goodness, I'm I'm dirty. That's all I can really explain it, you know. That's how That's the only way I can explain it. Yeah, Rosie knew, and yes, my friend Vanessa, who was no longer my friend at that time, because when I moved from Long Beach to Compton, I didn't see her anymore, you know, so we lost touch and I just didn't speak. I wasn't that close to Rosie like that to like tell her it to happen again. So I just really kept

it inside for a long time. Anyways, finally when it came up. It was always something I thought I was never going to talk about. When it did come out, I was twelve years old. And the reason it came out was because we were at church and Rosie was she was sixteen years old at this time, and there was a prophet praying for her, and she was very depressed and she was going through her own stuff. She would always spend a lot of time in her room, and of course I kind of knew, I'm like, okay, well,

my dad has a lot to do with it. She was just very depressed and she my grandma had a lot of issues with her. So when we went to church and this prophet prayed for her. That came up. It came up in like when he was praying, He's like, Okay, the reason she has sadness over her because she has been sexually abused. And I remember just watching I was freaking twelve years old at church watching everything that was happening. I'm like, oh my gosh, here it is. God is

bringing it out. That's really what I thought. And I ran to the bathroom and I got on my knees and I was like, God, please, please, please don't let this come out. Please God, Like I don't know what I'm gonna do. And I was just crying, crying and crying and silence. For two weeks after that day, no one talked about it. No one asked Rosie about it, until one day I was at the librarian Long Beach. I would always ask my mom to go to library,

and it was kind of like our babysitter. We would just stay there and like hang out and do our homework and everything with my my my sister and my and my cousins and stuff. So one day we were at the library was a normal day. I thought, Okay, well, maybe they're not going to talk about it. Anymore, maybe it's not gonna come out. And my the m when my theast picked me up and said, hey, why are you picking us up so early? Mom said you were gonna come at five, they're gonna pick up. No, your

mom said that we need to get you now. We need to pick you guys up. We gotta go. And I saw it in her face. I swear. I sat in the back seat and I said, oh my goodness, I felt it. I've always been so intuitive since I was little, and I remember just saying I said, oh my goodness, today's the day I felt it. I saw it in my aunt's face. I said, something is happening. And so we get to my uncle's office and my mom's pregnant from Jessica. This was my mom's pregnant from Jensica,

and her mascara is just smeared. I walked in and I was like, I just started crying and I knew. I said she knows, and she said, come your baby to grab my hand, and she said, is there something you have to tell me? And I was like, I just cried. I said yes, And she asked me, is it true? Does your dad? Has your dad done this to you? And I said yes, and she cried and she held me and it was just it was horrible. The cops came, Rosie was there, and Rosie just said,

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I had to tell them. I just remember her looking at me and she was like, I'm so sorry. I just I had to, Like they asked me and I said, it's okay. But from that day, I swear to you, I felt, yes, I was sad and I was like, oh my goodness, like everyone knows and what are they going to think of me? And like I just felt really party. But I felt like I just felt like I could breathe, and I didn't know what was going to happen. I was like, what's

gonna happen with my dad? And I was Weirdly enough, I was scared for him. Because this is what a lot of people want to understand. I have seen comments on social media like Jeki's how could you forgive your dad after what he did to you? The crazy thing is my dad was a good dad. I know that sounds crazy, but he was. He was a type of dad that would sit me down and talk to me.

He taught me how to wash clothes, He taught me how to fold it like he was like, if I got in trouble, he'd be one to just talk to me and make me understand things. And he cooked for us, and he was It was just a different vibe at my dad's house. During the day. He was a great dad. It was at night that things got weird. But I have pretty nice memories with my dad. He's the one that taught me about Manna, about Anna Gabriel, about Shakira, like a lot of music that I love now is

because of him. And it was a weird situation because when it came out, I said, Wow, this means I'm never going to see my dad ever again. And I felt bad for my siblings, you know, especially for Jackie and Mikey, because they were so close to him. And it was this thing that I was always scared to go see him on the weekends, but we always did something fun, you know. I just wasn't sure if that weekend at night something was going to happen, you know.

But it was such a weird thing. And the weird thing is that this happened on September when the truth came out and we were supposed to stay quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet. Weren't supposed to say anything or alarm my dad because we were afraid that he was going to go on the run. So when we got the cops and they took my report, they took rosies report. We went to so many doctors appointments, they checked us to confirm everything, and it was it was crazy. They sent me to

therapy and we did family therapy. Oh while my dad was just like, Hey, I need to pick of my kids, and my mom would just make excuses, Oh, we gotta go, we we gotta go out of town because the detectives had said, don't say anything. So we kept it quiet all the way until October thirty one on Halloween, because he was like, I'm supposed to have the kids this Halloween. Now you're playing dumb and this whole thing. And my

mom was pregnant and she couldn't sleep. I remember waking up, you guys, and my mom was dude huge from Jessica. I'd wake up to get a glass of water. I'd hear her crying and she'd have a big knife in her hand like ready, like sitting like from front of the door on this on this green couch that we had and This was our house in Compton, so it

was a smaller home. And I would wake up and I'd hear her crying, and she'd just have a big knife in her hand, like he's coming, he's coming for us, and I'm ready, I'm going to kill him, and like she was, she was kind of going crazy. And this that was part of my fear of telling her. I know my mom. I was like my mom honestly, because if she hadn't been pregnant from Jessica, I don't know what my mom would have done. I have no idea what she would have done. And it was so it

was such a difficult time. So finally, when October game, which is Halloween of that same year, my mom knows how You're not going to see my kids anymore. You're never going to see my kids anymore because I know what you did to my sister and to my daughter. That's all she said. And on the other end, I was standing right in front of her when she was having this conversation, he said, and then my mom said elas dango and he hung up. She calls a detective.

This was like at seven pm at night. She calls the detective and says, hey, I'm sorry, but I told him I couldn't anymore. You guys have to go find him. They said, okay, we'll handle it in the morning. There's too much going on. There's a lot of cops and everything. They needed them out because it was Halloween. So they go at nine o'clock in the morning the next day on November one, and he was gone. Gone. My dad was gone. He disappeared. Everything was gone from the house

he disappeared for. He was on the run for ten years. You guys, there's so much more to this story, and I feel like, one day I want to really just dive deep into what happened. It was a lot because even going through the trial ten years later when he was caught and having to relive everything for an entire year. I was on the stand talking about details, and they try to trick you when they do the cross examination and they're like, okay, well you set on your report this,

and I was like, no, I didn't say that. I said this. So it was crazy because here I am engaged, my uncle's, my grandpa, my mom, my stepdad, everyone's in this courtroom and I'm talking about my experience. I was so embarrassed of having to say the details of everything that I was like, even I had never really talked about it with my fiance at that time, and he was there listening to everything. So it was very hard.

But the reason I wanted to talk about this topic and I wanted to share my story with you guys, is because this happens a lot, especially especially in our community, in our land community, and it is a tab boo and it is something that it's kind of like, Okay, they try to just brush it under the rug. And I am so grateful for my mom that she believed me. She didn't question me. As soon as I told her, she was like, Okay, this is what we're gonna do. And she did everything that she could to try to

catch him, to put him in jail. And and that's what I want the listeners, people that have gone through it, that haven't talked about it, people that are going through it. You have to tell someone, you have to get help, you have to go to therapy, you have to talk about it, because if you carry this in your heart, in your mind for X amount of years, it's going to make you sick. It's going to make you bitter.

And when I mean sick. Literally, when we hold these things, these secrets, in our bodies, they become illnesses, they become diseases, and it can even become cancer. I mean literally, I truly believe that, and I know that the moment I let it out. When I was twelve years old, I started doing better in school, I was able to focus. Things just started changing for me and I felt like, oh, I could breathe, I could live my life a little bit, you know, And for a long time. Yeah, well you know,

from eight to twelve. It's not alone, but it was really affecting me. So mothers out there that if your child comes to you and tells you this is happening, please please take them to the doctor. Please go check. Please don't just brush it under the rug. You have to listen to your child that is telling you something. And if you're going through it, and let's say your parents are, don't believe you, speak to somebody. It's okay.

Sometimes people are so stuck in their ways that they don't want to believe something because it's too painful, because it's too much too to confront. But go find someone, a friend that's going to listen to you. Find a therapist, a counselor a life coach for you to just let this out in the open, and it's going to help you so much. And forget nous. That's another thing forgiving the person the abuser, forgive them even if they don't ask for forgiveness. My father has never admitted to it.

For a long time, he called me a liar, and that hurt. Even before the truth came out, he would tell my mom and just to kind of plant that scene in her head so if it ever came out, she wouldn't believe me. But thank god, my mom believed me, never questioned me, and she never allowed me to feel like a victim and said, no, we're going to get you help and you're not. You are not what happened to you. And I've had that so like present in my mind, and I'm so grateful for my mother for that.

I don't know what I would have done if she didn't believe me, if she wouldn't have helped me, But she also taught me to forgive. And I know she blamed herself a lot, like what could I have done differently as a mother for this not to happen? And I wish that I could tell her it's not your fault. There's are just things that happen, you know, those are just things that that happened. And now I see I'm like, okay, why why did this happen to me? And I'm like,

you know, now I'm like, okay, what happened? Because now I can use the platform God has given me, this microphone, this podcast to help other people and say, Okay, I'm gonna heal. I'm gonna be an example to help inspire and empower other people and help them heal if they've gone through this, because it is something that happens, and it happens way too often. And I forgive my dad.

I forgive him because forgiveness. And I'm going to read you guys a quote later in regards to like today, My my motivational quote is is in regards to forgiveness and how forgiveness is for for you and not for the other person, because again that's another thing. Yes, you can bring it out and then held resentment towards your abuser, but that's not going to do you any good. It's good to just release that person and leave them in God's hands. And also just that boco, you know, in

regard to to therapy. When I did start therapy because of the situation, and I've gone to therapy on and off my entire life. It's helped me a lot because as you get older and as you evolve, you start realizing. For a long time, I thought, Okay, I'm I'm over that, I'm over the sexual abuse. Okay, cool, like, let's move on.

But then I started realizing that I have what you call daddy issues where I was looking for a father figure or that love from from my father, that I was missing in the wrong men, being in the wrong relationships for way too long because of that. So those are things that even like me thinking okay, I'm over it, no, no, no no, like, they start resurfacing these things. And that's

why it's important to speak to someone. And that's why I'm a firm believer and an advocate of therapy and counseling and really getting your feelings out there, because it makes a big difference, even if it's even if yeah, you don't want to tell your family members, you don't want to tell anyone, go to therapy, guys, go to therapy, talk to them, let this out, find the help. Don't

be afraid. I know, it's scary, it's easier said than done. Yes, it might ruffle some feathers, Yes, it might cause some tension. But these people need to learn their lesson and they need to be brought to the light because if not, they're going to continue to do it. And that was my thing. I didn't want to testify. And the reason my dad is in jealous because of my testimony because some stuff had happened with my aunt. She was older

when he got caught and stuff like that. So my testimony was the one that was that really put him in there, and that was hard and still it's it's hard for me to think, like, Wow, my dad is in jail because I testified against him, But I feel like I did the right thing because it's not my fault that he decided to do that, and I don't want him to do it to anyone else. And if you were to ask me for forgiveness, I've already forgiven him.

But if you were to come and tell me, or if I go visit him one day in jail and he says I'm sorry and admits to it, I am like, I forgive you, I do believe and change you guys. I believe that with the right help, people can change. I choose to believe that, and I want to think that he's changed. I want to think that one day he's going to say, you know what, I'm sorry and admitted to his family, because his family, I don't think a lot of them till this day don't believe me.

They thought it's something that my mom put in my head for many years, and it's not. I remember clearly everything that happened, and it does weigh and it did weigh, not not really now, but it did weigh heavy on me that I'm like, my dad is in jail for thirty one years, no chance of parole because I testified. But then I said, you know what, those are the consequences of his actions. And all I did was the correct thing, and I spoke, and I spoke my truth.

And I'm hoping that I can help many people. And I believe that God has put me in this position and has given me this platform to help other people. And believe me, I know what happens a lot more often then we know that a lot of people like to admit and we have to speak about it so that it can lessen you guys, so that these things can happen less and less and less the more we come out and we speak the truth, because you know

so most and we don't want that. So, guys, if someone comes and tells you this is happening to me, please believe them. Please do your best to hug them. Just give them a hug. If there's no words, hug them, let them cry in your arms, let them release. The worst thing you could tell a person when they're telling you, hey, this is happening, I'm being molested on being sexually abused, is no, that's not true. It's the worst thing that you could tell a person. Just hug them, even if

there's no words. Believe them. Please and do your part. Obviously there's there's a whole process that needs to be done. That's my best advice that I can give you, guys, because my mom having the mother that I had and I didn't even question me made the biggest difference ever ever. So thank you guys so much for listening. Like I said, I hope my story helps at least one person out there. Just know you're not alone, and more than anything, know that it's not your fault. We're going to link some

resources in the show notes. Okay, so make sure you look at them. And here's today's motivational quote. When I told you, guys about earlier, forgiveness isn't about the other person. It's about you. It's about your heart and your soul being at peace. It's about you healing and moving on. It's about you not letting the past hold you hostage anymore. Guys, Forgiveness is a powerful thing. I'm telling you it is.

I know sometimes it's easier said than done, but trust me, forgiveness gives you the wings to fly and chase your dreams once you're not carrying that heavy load. Again. Thank you, guys, less I love you, guys. This is a production of My Heart Radio and mikel podcast Network. Follow us on Instagram at miel Podcasts and follow me chick ease that c h I q U I s. For more podcasts from My Heart, visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. H