With pre marital counseling, are we going to prepare ourselves to get married or are we still like that pre engagement where we're like, okay, is this gonna work?
A lot of times we come from broken homes.
Then when we come into a dating relationship, now we're romanticizing. An unhealthy relationship gets familiar to us.
And in Spanish is.
And casa, we do that as a protective mechanism because there is a status. If my husband is a womanizer, that means that I'm not good enough as a woman.
But it really comes from.
The culture of the machistam Hey guys, Happy Monday and Happy December. This year is about to fly by, so I hope you guys are getting ready to welcome the new year. I'm really looking forward to today's episode because we're going to be hearing from my therapist. I can't wait for you all to meet her and hear all about pre marital counseling and even pre engagement counseling. So, without further ado, let's get the show started. This is
Cheeky's and Chill. I am so excited to introduce today's guest.
Her name is.
Tanya Faniagua and she is the founder and CEO of the Breath of Life Foundation in Irvine, California, and she's also my therapist and my sister's therapist as well. I've been working with her for about a year and a half now and it has literally changed my life.
Welcome to the podcast, Tanya.
I am so excited to be here with you.
I am so excited. We had a session you guys this morning. Just FYI. So I've been working with Tanya for about a year, right year and a half something like that, Tanya, about a year. Yes, So how I met Tanya was through my sister Jackie. She's also my sister, Jackie's therapist and my sister. For Christmas was it Christmas or my Birthday, I don't know, she gave me a
gift card and it was five sessions with Tanya. So that's how I met her, and she says, Sister, I want to give you this, and it was one of the best gifts ever because I've been able to just confide and feel so much better after every conversation with Tanya. She's helped me through quite a bit, especially with my relationship. So I wanted to bring her on because Emilio and I just started a couple's therapy and her and her
husband do couples therapy and I really enjoyed it. Oh it's not even couple therapy, it's pre marital you guys, I'm engaged, so it's pre marital. It's pre marital therapy or counseling, should I say. And it's been pretty cool and she's helped me so much. And I met her husband, Rudy. Well, I've known them for a while. I've seen them at
parties and like gatherings and stuff. So now I wanted to talk about this because in our first session, Tanya told me about pre engagement counseling, something I didn't even know existed. So let's just you know, ask the question, have I been a good counsel lye.
Yes, I think you have been an amazing counselor. And what makes an amazing counseling is why that's open, has a posture of humility to receive instruction that is able to then see their areas of growth and then also lean into those areas that need to be strengthened.
So you've done an amazing job, and it's we're working on it.
Yes, we're working on it. We're working I think the most important thing, you guys, and you guys know, I always say that I'm a huge advocate for counseling, for therapy, and I think it's something that we all need for the rest of our lives, you know. And since I do this, and I do so many things, I feel like when I speak to Tanya, I am recharging my batteries, I'm refreshing my memory. It just helps me speak and
then she gives me feedback. And I think it's something I have to do for the I want to do for the rest of my life. And you have to be willing to be vulnerable, you guys, and be completely honest.
And I have.
She knows all my secrets, okay, and thank goodness for confidentiality because she can't ever say anything, of course, and she would never She's not that type of person anyways. But I think that what has helped me personally is being very honest and even saying things about myself that I probably I am not proud of. But that's what's going to help you guys. That's what's going to change is when you're completely honest. So I just wanted to
get that out of the way. Anyways, going back to pre engagement, can we touch on that just a little bit, because I sure didn't know that existed.
Yeah, So it's something that we like to practice here in our organization because oftentimes when you start a relationship and then you go into a deeper sense of relationship and now becomes a romantic relationship, we oftentimes don't take a moment to really think about what's bonding us, and
so there is this idea of trauma bonding. So basically what that means is I am broken and I become a magnet to those other people that are broken, and so I receive something from the other person's brokenness.
But we don't really take a moment to see and.
Analyze is this a healthy relationship or why am I bonding to this other person? So in pre engagement we have a chance to look at that. Is it really trauma bonding or is it authentic bonding? Are you healthy? Have you done individual work? Because you have more time to explore this rather than if you just go in and go through your engagement, you know, put a ring on it and then make it public. There is a lot of stress and expectations for the wedding date.
Oh my gosh, yes, right, there's a.
Lot of and everyone's asking you when you're gonna get married, and you're like, oh, if you don't even know the red flags I'm seeing, right, And so we can't even say that right because it's kind of embarrassing because it makes us feel like, wait, how come I didn't see those red flags?
And now I'm committed? How do I pull out of this?
And then I look like a failure and all these other things that can come into play for that decision.
So we like to take it a step further and start.
Earlier in the process so that if those do come up, we can deal with them and you still have a way out of the relationship without the whole world knowing that you're engaged.
When when do you do this? Is it six months into the relationship?
Like how do you get people to say, hey, before I asked my girl to get engaged?
When do you guys recommend it?
Yeah, so you start today and then when it starts going into that next dreaming phase of like, oh, I could see myself with you for the rest of my life like that that is a conversation, right.
That's a conversation.
Or you'll start dreaming together, or you might even start like ring shopping together, and so.
That's doing hints and stuff.
Yes, right in there.
It's like, okay, you know, well, let's do ourselves a favor and let's let's invest before we invest in the ring, let's invest in our emotional health.
To see where we're at.
Because a lot of times we come from broken homes, right, and so we are attached to unhealp healthy relationships because it's.
What's familiar to us.
And so then when we come into a dating relationship and a serious dating relationship, now we're romanticizing an unhealthy relationship.
Be gaut's familiar to us.
Yes, oh my gosh.
Now we come in. We're not experts in your life. You're the experts in your life. But we start to ask questions and things start to come to the surface, Like in our sessions, things start to come to the surface.
I'm never an expert in Cheeky's life.
I will never be, because you are uniquely designed. You're very different than I am. But I do have the expertise and asking the questions to highlight some of these things. And you're like oh oh, oh.
Oh, a light bulb turns on.
And so that's what we love to do with couples that are doing pre engagement counseling.
How does a person know, hey, I need some therapy or some counseling, Like what are some indications or some things that you should say, Hey, if you're feeling this way, if you're thinking this, you need counseling.
Yes, So, like, if they're in a relationship, I'll do
it from that place and then I'll tell you. So if they're in a relationship, like in a dating relationship, and you start to look at the relationship like oh, he's saving me, And I'm gonna talk like from my perspective, right, So when I met Rudy, I was a single mom with two kids, and so when he came into my life, I was like, oh my gosh, somebody wants me with baggage because everyone told me that they weren't gonna want me with like you know, I'm a broken relationship and
I'm coming with two children into this relationship. So I had this idea like, Wow, he's saving me. And then he starts to express interest and really tries to build me, and I'm like, wy he might be fixing me, like now I have a reason to live, Like there's a validation of my existence. That's not healthy, Like the way I met Rudy is not healthy at all. Right, And then there's a rollercoaster of chaotic, unpredictable emotions. You use
things like you complete me. Nobody should ever complete anybody. It's really from your whole right, and someone else is homeless. We come and we compliment each other, but we don't complete each other.
Dang. And so Rudy was.
Coming to complete me, was coming to complete my family as a stepfather stepping in. And then there's this other idea of I betray myself and all of my needs to receive his love. So I lay down my life as long as he's happy. But I'm thinking this is selfless love.
And it really isn't. It's trauma bonding.
And then when I really look at it and I look at the relationship, it really mirrors a lot of the patterning of my childhood experience.
Yeah, I was.
I was starting to repeat a lot of the stuff that I had seen growing up, and not just growing up in my first relationship, So whoa, you know, I saw it growing up. I saw it in my first marriage, and now I see it in my second marriage.
So it looks.
Great, we get married and then it blows up. For the first three years of our marriage, we were not just kyind of blend of family, but we were coming in with our baggage. We didn't know how much baggage we had. I had never done individual work. I wasn't even a therapist, a counselor.
I was nothing. I was just Tanya, a.
Single mom with two babies, an eleven year old and a six year old. And when all hell breaks loose, he I get pregnant. I remember telling him in the car on the phone, Hey, I'm pregnant, like thinking, shoot, he's probably thinking I'm gonna I'm pregnant, like I'm saying this, or he can come home. But I really was pregnant, and that was like my whole journey with our first
child together. And then at the end of that it was so chaotic, so toxic that he leaves and then he's unfaithful and he's a un faithful twice during my pregnancy, and so what I thought was a man that was going to come fix me was really no, Like that's not that was not at all authentic love.
So why do I.
Share this is because I didn't know that I was coming into the relationship with so much baggage. So I would have loved for someone to say, like, hold on a second, like just relax for a moment, Let's take it slow, let's look inside, let's see some of.
The things you to heal from your first marriage.
Because my first husband was also unfaithful to me, and if I look back even further, my father was an unfaithful man. So who's the common denominator, tanya is?
Oh geez.
So it doesn't mean that I deserve this, right, it means that there's a brokenness in me that attracts these kind of men and makes that's a familiar relationship even though it's not healthy. So that kind of answers the second part of the question, right, like when you start to have familiarity with just unhealthiness and sometimes you don't know that. On a personal note, it's like low self esteem.
If you start to feel like anxious or depressed or you have you are a person that reacts rather than responds. There are things in there that really need to be healed because a lot of times we have soul wounds that are not healed, you know, from our childhood that we bring into the relationships or even into our life as we grow older.
So and that's kind of where we're at now with the media and now that we're engaged. I thought it was very important because our relationship isn't perfect. I think this is the healthiest relationship I've been in and my past relationships, and it's not even like I'm saying, like we're working Emido and I. The good thing here is that we're both intentional in we believe in therapy. He does his therapy, I do mine, and we understand that we need to be healthy. I more than ever understand.
Before I was very codependent, I was very needy, and i've in my like I realized that in my last relationship, and I said, I want to make a change. I really want to be whole in myself and not feel anka like I want to be my whole orange, you know what I mean, Like I want to be you know, and I've I've been working on that. So I think now that we're engaged, and you know, marriage is a
huge commitment. I've done it once and unfortunately it didn't work or fortunately, whatever it is, what it is, I don't regret it because I learned so much from it. But now it's like, Okay, this is It's a huge commitment and I want to do it right, and I know there are things within myself that I want to heal. I need to heal, like you said, Tanya, like stuff that I grew up seeing. You know, no one's perfect, and I learned a lot of things and I saw quite a bit of stuff.
So that's where we're at now. We're doing primarito.
It's something I haven't even asked you privately, but with pre marital counseling, are we going to we're going to prepare ourselves to get married? Or are we still like that kind of like that pre engagement where we're like, okay, is this gonna work? Because I did that whole survey right, it's a bunch of questions you guys, and I was like, wow, are we I want to know that we're equally yoked? Is that what we're going to find out with the primarital Like, okay, you guys are ready to get married?
Yes, So what we do in that assessment is in the computer generates the report and then we put that out in front of you and then start to try and.
Walk through some of these things.
So as we're able to come to resolutions and plans of actions for these things, then we're able to say like, okay, are you guys ready to take the next step. So it's not necessarily for us to say that. It's more for you to look at it and say, oh, no, I can't budge on this. This is non negotiable for me, and this is negotiable for her right or for him, And so this is where we start to do that.
But those are conversations that normally don't happen outside of the counseling office because no one really talks about your values. A lot of people don't even have personal values. They haven't taken time to do values right, So values non negotiables in your life. And so then since we don't take that time to know that about ourselves, someone else comes and imposes their values, not in a mean way, it just oh, that sounds great, let's just make life
like that. And then you're like, wait, I'm not being true to myself. So in this assessment, as we continue to walk together, we will highlight these things and it'll show you the things that you're super combatible with and there's things that oh, okay, this is an area that we're really going to focus on to see if we can get you into a place of agreement.
Not necessarily of I agree with you.
One hundred percent, because you're not going to lose your essence, but I'm comfortable enough that together we'll be able.
To walk this. Okay, that's where the compromising comes in.
Yeah, that's the compromising comes in without really compromising your essence, because you don't want to compromise your essence, because then that's what happens a lot of times. And then like ten years down the line, the essence is wanting to come out and it can't, you know, and it finally does and it ruptures, and it's like, I can't live like this anymore.
Yes, because I feel like I finally understood, like I want to be myself and I want to make sure that I'm my best self for my person first of all, for myself, but also to have a healthy relationship, you know. And when we were doing this assessment, he did his own you guys, I called it a survey, but it's an assessment, is a correct word, Thank you, Tanya. But it was very long and it was very thorough, and it had me thinking. I was like, I need to
be one hundred percent honest right now. Like I would go back and I would reread it, and sometimes they would ask you the question in a different way and I'm like, okay, Like, but it really made you think. And we never shared our answers. He did his own at his own time. I did my own, and I'm like, cause, I really really want to really figure this out, you know. I'm like, I don't want to ever waste anyone's time.
And this is important because we're going to talk about okay, the children, finances, like stuff that's hard to talk about, you guys, but that I think is very necessary, having uncomfortable conversations to figure out your future together. And I think that that's we're both on the same page. And I didn't even What I loved is I didn't even have to convince the media to do premarital counseling. He was all in, He's like, let's do it. He's been wanting to do couple's therapy for a while. We just
didn't find the right people. And now, thank goodness, we have you guys. But that's one of the questions I had. I'm like, Okay, then I guess we're going to just have to look and say, okay, well, this is where we're combatible, this is where we got to work on, and then we make the final decision absolutely.
And then what happens when somebody like when one party really wants to go to counseling and the other one's like, oh no, that's not for me, right, Like, how do you do that? And it's not necessarily a convincing it's really like, this is an our best interest because I think a lot of people will shy away from counseling when they feel that someone's trying to fix them. See, my job as a counselor is never to come and fix you.
I'm not going to fix you.
I'm just going to help highlight those things inside of you, your strengths, your areas of growth, and then you will commit to your plan of action and walk it out. Because really, health is more determined on the counseling that's coming in than it is on my part. Because I can give you one hundred and one ways on how to be the best communicator or how to resolve conflict, but there's still a lot of stuff broken from the past. Nothing's going to stick and you're not going to commit
to it. And so when you take the we approach, like this is on our best interest to have does a third party come in and just highlight and have this assessment? The assessment, I mean, it's not fabricated or it's not I'm not manipulating it. It's just you're answering these questions and the computers, you know, based on the program, is going to highlight the strengths, the areas of compatibility, the areas that need to be worked on some and then we're going to go layer by layer on that.
So I think that's also important because if we're like, well no you start.
To fight, well, no, you need to go to counseling.
Yeah, well right away.
That person's going to shut down exactly.
And so it's all about the delivery, is like it's we if we're really thinking about doing a lifetime together and we want to live happy, yes, but even more than that, like thriving, because I mean happy happy is temporary.
That's a temporary feeling, yeah, right, But when.
You're thriving and there's personal satisfaction like Okay, yeah, it's worth it. Like when you want to go and work out, it's worth it to get a coach if you don't know how to do this right. Yes, it's the same thing. The coach isn't going to fix you. It's going to help see why aren't you committed? Or hey, you need to work this muscle somewhere. That's exactly the same thing that countslored us.
The role of a therapist is it to help, especially in couple's therapy, to help figure out what the issues are in the relationship and to find a resolution.
Or is it either or I think it's both.
Because sometimes like for example, you talked about finances, right, a couple could be talking. It could be fighting about finances, whether they're engaged, whether they're dating, or they're marriage or whatever, couple, it is right they're fighting about finances. Finances isn't the issue. Finances is secondary. There is a deeply rooted issue because finances means a different thing to a different person. So
finances for one individual could mean status. To another individual, it could mean safety and protection, right, and so oftentimes we don't have that kind of language. So when you come here and like, well, it's finances and she spends too much. So then we start to ask deeper questions like.
Oh, this is what happens.
So going back to my personal example, Root was like that everything.
So he loved retail therapy.
That was his thing, right, So we had a fight and I and money for me was protection and safety.
So anytime we had a fight.
I remember the first big fight we had, he went off to the South Coast Plaza and he goes and buys himself a three hundred dollars pen and I see it because I get I get the alerts, and I'm like, oh, like, I'm thinking safety, safety, like this is red and he's thinking, no, status, status, this is the way I protect myself, right, And so it would have looked like he was just having a fit and doing this, but there was deeper rooted issues like his manhood must have felt disrespected in the way
that I was communicating and he was like, well, no, this is like I'm protecting myself this way. And for me, finances was like, oh, man, if he does this now, like how we're going to be like bankrupt by year five. Every single time if he's going to go, you know, buy something every single time we have a fight, and so it's not finances, what does it mean? And so you normally don't know the primary root of it unless you've really done some work.
So we helped bring that.
To the surface and it's like, oh, okay, this is really the issue, and then we can come we can co create a solution.
Yes, see, creating solutions together, that's the thing. It's like together. I had to like really get out of the mindset of it's what I want. It's like what we want, what our relationship needs. That's another thing, you know, because I came from a very independent mother and who kind of wore the pants in the relationship, you know, and in order I feel and I've learned and my sister and I, Jackie and I are on the same page where it's like it's we weren't taught to be submissive,
you guys. It was like, no, you're an independent woman this and I'm like, well, I don't want to be a lonely independent woman. I want to be in a long lasting relationship. I enjoy being in a relationship, you know. So it's like, what adjustments do I need to make
in order to make that happen? You know, and we always say Jackie and I we're breaking generational curses because and at first it was very foreign to me because my sister I would say, hey, let's go get our nails, and she said, we'll have to talk to my husband.
I'm like, why, why do you have to talk to your husband. I didn't understand.
She's like, oh, well, because you don't have to, not that I have to ask him for permission. But it's like, hey, is it okay for us? You know, to spend this extra money getting my nails done is a luxury because I have kids. And I'm like, oh, you know what. I'm like, I get it. I'm like, okay, now I admire it, you know. And now Jackie and you guys are the ones that saved Jackie and Mike's marriage, and I.
Think it's a beautiful thing.
I see them, and I see Mike as a completely different person. My sister as well. They have very good communication and they're making their relationship work. And I'm like, I love that. I'm so happy for her. So anyways, you guys, I'm just saying therapy works. And I actually now I have a question, Tanya, do you feel or in your experience when you're doing couples therapy, do you feel that it's the man that's a little bit more resistant to counseling than the woman or it varies, It varies.
We've seen a trend, probably in this last I want to say year two years, that men are the ones calling for the for the appointments, and I get so excited.
I'm like, yes, they're career.
Yeah. Or we'll have marriage refreshers here at our office where we have like thirty five couples and we go through different things, you know, like some of the issues the most common issues of like communication or sex, or parenting or finances.
So we'll go through that.
And when it's question and answer time, we don't give out little papers where people write down, you know, like we're very open and vocal, so it's all the men asking the questions, and so it's really neat. Yes, I've seen that shift, and I think it's important because men and women both feel emotions. It's just men are really they do a better job of being able to suppress them so they can continue with the vision that they have, and they're very good at that. I can't focus on
emotions and vision. I'm going to put my emotions away so I can fulfill the vision.
A woman is.
More complicated because that's what we were designed, and it's a beautiful, beautiful complication. We are right that we can were beautifully complicated, right, that we can do a lot of these things. Now, the problem is that the woman has a harder time in regulating the emotion.
So I love when the man's.
Like, oh, yes, I want to lean in, which I think is why my husband and I are so open and vulnerable about our story, and he is very much so about the things that he wished he could have done differently, And then it creates a safe place for the man to want to come in and say like, oh I want that, I want coaching.
All right, let's let's let's do this.
Let's let's really like turn this like living day by day to really from a surviving to a thriving mentality in our relationship.
That's awesome, And that's one thing that I'm so grateful for that my partner at Medio, he's very willing and open and he's also okay with being vulnerable and showing
his emotions. And I feel like that itself is worth it to me to keep even if we have things that we disagree on or I don't necessarily like let's say, I'm like, he is the first time ever that I have someone that is so willing and to walk me through, to hold my hand and say okay, it's okay, like for the first time, and it feels so good, which I think is why we've lasted so long because I'm a runner.
I'm like, it's not.
Working, see you later, like I saw it with my mom and it's like, okay, next, next, and I'm like, okay, I don't want that. But he's like hold on, he pulls me in. He's like you know, and I think that that's awesome and I'm hoping, like I'm so happy to hear that you're saying that it's more men that are the ones that are looking for the counseling, for the coaching. I think that's awesome, and you know, round of applause for those men that aren't afraid to show
their emotions. People have this, some people, especially Latinos, and let's talk about this a little bit, this negative connotation of therapy. Why do you feel that some people are hesitant or resistant to therapy?
Yes, so, especially if we're going to go into the Latino culture. Actually, my dissertation was very much about marital satisfaction in Hispanic couples, and so I did a lot of study in the values.
But we have like this in the Spanish is.
Casa, you know, so like all of your dirty laundry, you're going to take care of it home, You're not going to air it out. And so we do that as a protective mechanism because there is a status, you know, like if I have an issue, that means that I'm not good enough.
So it starts to hit that core truth value I'm not good enough.
Or if my husband is a womanizer, that means that I'm not good enough as a woman. But it really comes from the culture of the machista, right. The machista is the more women, the more of a man you are, which is not true, Absolutely not right, Absolutely not true.
No, it's a lie from the devil. That's not true. Right.
The devil.
Is being able to stay committed to your wife.
That's that's what makes an amazing man, right, not one that is jumping from one one to another. So I think that just closes them off. And then if you add the religion component.
It's like, then you don't have enough faith to believe that your problem can be fixed.
But that's not true either, because you can have faith and psychology and they can coexist, actually need to coexist, as we can have faith to believe that we're going to be healed, but we also have to pick up.
Our matt and do the work, and we also have to do our part to.
Learn where the trauma was inserted, what happened with that light was inserted into our lives, heal from it so that we can continue walking in health. So I think that's why a lot of people are resistance, and they also have this sense of if I don't have it put all together, that must mean that I'm weak, But it really isn't. The reality is, and this is for everyone. We all have issues. But the ones that come in and say, hey, I really want to do something.
Better, those are my heroes.
Yeah. I'm like, man, you're a hero today because you're going to change the legacy of your family.
Going back to the couple's therapy, what is the most common issue in couples? Would you say it's poor communication? Sex, finances?
Well, the studies show that those are the top three that you descent. So are the top three.
Reasons that a relationship would end up in a divorce. I haven't done the study in our own office to see how many come from each, but normally in a session, most of those come out.
Is it like not enough intimacy? Like because for me, I'm thinking about it, I'm like, okay, yes, sometimes you get so busy it's like, okay, we're not having enough sex, you know, or you know finance. So and I grew up thinking you shouldn't let go of a relationship unless they're like cheating on you over and over or like hitting you being physical mentally abusing you.
But I always thought like.
Okay, if we're not meeting I to ee in finances, let's say, is it okay or not okay?
But like to let go of the relationship.
Well, I mean, if you it depends on if it's a relationship or a marriage, because it's different. So if it's a relationship, absolutely, I mean you can totally. But if it's a marriage and it's now, you're not now you're entering into a lifelong contract.
Like we talked about contracts, right, and so.
There there's only certain reasons why you should really consider an even in that, especially if there are children. Would I I've seen even domestic violence. Not that I'm saying anyone in domestic violence needs to stick it out. I think they need to get into a safe place. But I even if there's healing, I've seen that restored. I've seen infidelity restored obviously, even for my own life.
So it depends.
If you are just in a dating relationship or even engage and you're not seeing eye to eye, then don't take the next step if you're not willing to make that come in. But if you're married, now that's really important that you really exhaust your resources before you make a decision.
And that is also another thing that doesn't happen. People just like, well, I just I fell out of love.
I said, nah, give me another reason, because you can fall back in love like and that just means that the emotional tank is empty, so we have to start filling it up again. And so that means that you've checked out. We got to check you back in. And so I've seen that happen. That's excuse, Oh I fell out of love.
I'm like, nah, let's let's give me a I don't buy your reason. I don't buy it.
Let's let's see what happened been here, and so yes, I mean, if you're going into marriage, you really need to think of it. It's like it's a lifelong commitment, it's a lifelong covenant, especially if you have and there's no shame for those that have been divorced. I'm actually you know, I'm a divorced woman. But I've seen both ends, the one that we are able to get be restored, and what life looks like with our children. And I also have children from another marriage and seeing their health
is completely different. Like I do believe the generational curse is when you step in and do the work and correct the patterns so that your children don't have to deal with that. And so it would have been easy for me to step out and say I'm done because my husband was unfaithful.
But there it goes again.
So now my two older children are from one dad, my two second one for another dad, and mom's a single mom, and so the statistics are that my daughters are going.
To go through the same thing.
So you push through it.
I pushed through, and I was going to go through the work, do the work. My husband was going to do the work, and now we're able to enjoy even our grand babies together, so.
Your grand babies, and helping other people restore their marriages, which I think is absolaing just out of curiosity and not to take anything away from your your present, you know marriage, because it's you know, it's wonderful. But would you think if you guys, your first marriage, if you guys would have gone to therapy, do you think you could have saved that marriage?
Absolutely on my husband and I we my husband and my current husband, and I talk about that all the time because people ask me, well, why the first why did the first marriage not work in the second one did? The difference was my first husband didn't was checked out, like he did not want to, he did not want anything to do with it. I was open to even though he was the one had been faithful. He he was unfaithful and he checked out. He actually ended up
marrying the person he was unfaithful with. And so that's a whole other area of like forgiveness and all of that that I had to process. But he was checked out, he didn't want to. So with Rudy, he wanted to. He was he he wanted to and I.
In other terms, I would say it this way.
He was mad enough to look in the mirror and say I have issues that I need to work on, and I was able to do the same thing, and then we come together, and then we were able to live what we're living today nineteen years later.
Yeah.
Whoah, that takes base guys, Okay, excuse me, but it does for a man to say, you know what, especially a man I don't know, because we have this thing of men have to be you know, machosen no, you know, somebody's no yoa. But it's like when a man can say I need help, I want to change, that's freaking amazing. Okay, So, Tanya, how much of a difference can therapy really make in a in the success of a relationship or of a marriage.
Should I say, oh, my goodness, it's day and night.
If the couple that's coming in is doing the work, so when they come here, they come in here, whether they're doing if they're doing an intensive package, it could be you know, three hours, four hours if they wanted to do it. So some people will fly in to do things like that, but if not, it's like fifty minutes one session is fifty minutes.
So in fifteen minutes, we're going to ask these questions, highlight it, come up with a solution, and apply action. We always have a plan of action. That's great.
But if you go home and you don't and I don't see you for another week and you have not done one thing, well, it's not going to affect the marriage of anything. It's actually going to decrease the marriage satisfaction because one person, they're hearing what they're supposed to
do and they're not doing it right. But if they go and they do the work and they're intentional and they're having you know, the meetings and they're having you know whatever they have to do right and they have to set their calendars or they need to have this way of communication, or they have to have more intimacy or date nights or whatever it is, and they do that. Oh, we have seen marriages go from the brink of divorce to.
Like fully fully.
Enjoying their families, their businesses, their ministries.
And it is life changing. I mean, this is my life mission.
Like if I were to die to day, I know that I've accomplished my mission because I've seen more couples restored and living in health than the ones that have been divorced after they put all this into practice.
And I see it with my sister, I really I see it with my sister and her husband, and it's just it's beautiful to watch, you know, because I know what they went through, and but they really pushed through and they were both on the same page and they both wanted it. And Jackie said that sometimes she'd be so mad. She said, I'm so mad a Talian rudy right now. But then she was like, oh, I'm so grateful. She's like, actually, I went back and I'm like, okay,
I thought about it. So she's like, you, they went through all of the emotions with you, guys, and now I see the fruits of it, you know. And even you guys are the ones that married them. You know, they knew their vowels, guys, and it was such a beautiful ceremony. It just makes me happy. It makes me happy because my sister, we didn't see a healthy marriage, you guys, and no marriage is perfect. But she's really
worked so hard and making this work. And I see them and they're in such a good place and I'm praying that it just gets better. So I thank you guys for that, because you guys really of course, God, but you guys really guided them, and I think it's wonderful, which is why now I'm like, okay, I'm in your hands.
Yes, well we counted our privilege. I mean, really counteraprivileged to be able to walk with people.
In their darkest times. It's a privilege, it's a responsibility. We don't take that lightly. And the thing with like your sister and Mike, like with Jackie and Mike, is that at any time when they start to feel any friction, if they need to pick up the call, we do a quick like adjustment, you know, like when your back is out of whack and you go to the chiropract you get adjusted, and it's like, oh that's it, that's it, Okay, We're ready for another five years, you know.
And so they have a safe place.
Yeah, that's awesome. I believe refresher. We all need it, that's right.
And so if you're intentional and you have that like we're committed and we're going to make work at this, I mean, it just.
Becomes such a beautiful life of exploration.
Because in every season, you're going to explore that new season as a husband and wife.
Oh it's beautiful. And just before I let you go. For those who can't get their partner into a therapy session, do you have any tips on how to talk about issues without having it escalated into a fight.
Yes, absolutely.
First of all, if we both can understand that we're a team, right, the both are a team. So it's not we're fighting against each other. We are work with each other, fighting against the issue.
Okay, okay.
And so that's a big thing because sometimes we personalize the issue instead of like it's it's so internalized that we make the person the issue, but it's not.
It's the behavior.
So even something as like even writing it out on something, you're externalizing finances. So you put it out and so like, hey, how together can we look at finances and how can we make this work?
Instead of you spend too much money?
No, but this, and you don't you know, you're controlling and you go back and forth, back and forth. You're attacking each other, but you're not really even dealing with the actual issue, which is finances. We were on this finance talk, right, so what does finance mean? Hey, we need these finances, we have these goals. Now we start talking through this issue of finances with a solution focused
rather than focusing on each other that you're the problem. Yeah, because as soon as someone feels attacked, they shut down. I mean, no one wants to be at time, No one wants to be called a liar, no one wants to be called a manipulator.
All the words that we use when we're angry people don't they shut down. They'll shut down or they'll escalate.
And so I think that's really being able to externalize the behavior looking at it like this is the issue, and together, we're holding hands and we're going to see how we're going to make this work for us instead of us fighting against each other. So the gloves, the boxing gloves should be towards the behavior, not towards each other.
Ooh and guys, let me tell you that was a big one for me. I was like, hold on, It's like I ride away.
I had my boxing gloves on my hold up, I'm ready, I'm ready, you know, And it's like wait a second, No, I have to move away from seeing like or trying to fight with a medio. It's like him against I. It's more of like, okay, we have to choose to really figure out a solution for this situation or whatever
it is that's bothering us. And that was a huge, I don't know, epiphany for me where I'm like, oh wow, okay, wait what you just said really helped me a lot where I was like, oh my gosh, okay, yeah, you're right. You know, we're holding each other's hand and say we're doing this together. So that those are two big things. Tanya,
thank you so much. I really enjoyed our conversation. And I'm so grateful because I know you're busy for you to take the time to come on the podcast, and you know, I thought it was people to hear me talking about therapy all the time. I talk about it so much. I'm like, why not have my therapist on.
So I am so excited, thank you, and thank you for the privilege to allow me to walk with you. That I accounted a privilege and honor and I just love to see how you're making strides and become emotionally healthy and really seeing life from a different perspective, and so thank you for that privilege that you've given to me. So and even to be here on the show and being able to share some of my personal experiences along as well of my professional experiences.
So thank you.
Oh before you go, can you please share your website with us so people that are looking for therapy, couples therapy or whatnot can reach out to you.
Yes, you can find us at Breath of Life Foundation dot info I NFO.
Thank you, Thank you you guys, And before we go, you know I always leave you with a motivational quote to end each episode, So cue the music, here we go. So here is the quote for this episode. It's fairly quick and to the point. Invest in your mind, invest in your health, invest in yourself and you, guys, therapy is a great investment, one you will never regret. Thank you so much, Tanya, You guys, thank you again for being here on this episode of Cheeky's and Michel. I
hope you enjoyed it. Los quiro mucos. Do you need advice on love, relationships, health emails? I'm so excited to share with you that my Cheeky's and Chill podcast will have an extra episode drop each week. I'll be answering all your questions. Just leave me a voice message, person, Menday, All you have to do is go to speak pipe dot Com, slash Cheeky's and Chill podcast and record your questions.
I can't wait to hear from you.
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