I Have A Confession

And if I can prevent you from making mistakes like I've made, that is what this podcast and my whole life, my singing, my books, everything that I do, that is like my main focus. Well, this is going to be an episode where it's just you and I again, me the mic and you. So what I want to talk to you guys about today is something that has been

on my heart for about a week now. It's been in my prayer and meditation time and I spoke to a few people about it, like what do you think I kind of want to say this, and some people said, yes, I think you should. I think if you have that in your heart and you want to express it, I think you should other said no that I shouldn't, but I always do what I want to do. I follow my heart. There's a lot of heart in this episode

right now. But that's my truth right now, and I just I feel like, in a way it's going to liberate me. I don't know just the whole thing that happened, you guys, with my miscarriage. And I got a lot of love messages, a lot of comments, a lot of dms from you guys that listen to my podcast. Thank you so much. Again, I don't know where to start. I don't know how I'm even going to star this. I guess I'm just going to dig deep and I'm going to wean this because there's no right or wrong

way to say. In reality, this is just something that I wanted to share because my miscarriage put a lot of things into perspective for me, and I just don't feel right keeping something like this in, especially since I've been so honest and upfront with you guys about almost everything in my life. But I want to say it was season one or season two of Cheeese and Chill were now in the third season. I've sprinkled it in here and there, in regards to a miscarriage I said

I had when I was nineteen. That wasn't the entire truth. I did not feel comfortable with stating my truth, and now I feel comfortable now, I feel ready because it was actually I decided to terminate the pregnancy. I don't know if termination is worse than abortion. I don't know, but I just I guess. I'm still uncomfortable with the vocabulary. Even saying miscarriage is a little weird to me, like, oh, I had a misca It's still very weird to me.

It sounds, it feels weird. So anyways, it was my choice. At nineteen years old, that's when it happened. I said I had a miscarriage. It's a secret I've carried for since then. The person that I was with then doesn't even know. I hope this is It's sad, but I don't have any communication with him. But this is how he's going to find out as well. I told him that it was a miscarriage. I went by myself. I was nineteen years old. I was very afraid of my mom,

not because I just didn't want to disappoint her. I think that's why I was afraid of her, not because she was going to like kick me out or anything like that. I think it was more of like disappointing her. I always seek her approval, and definitely, at nineteen years old, I was not ready. And I guess I just feel like I have to confess it in a way because now that I've really experienced a miscarriage, this was my

very first miscarriage, I don't feel like it's fair. It's fair to say that, and it doesn't feel right inside of me, especially with everything that the healing journey I've been on for the past few years. It just doesn't feel right. And that's why I wanted to let you guys know. And I apologize if I let anyone down. I apologize if maybe I'll lose some followers or some listeners, because I know that that's a very touchy subject. And I have also expressed on my podcast it I am

pro choice. That's just my opinion. That's my belief. I feel that as women we should have and decide what we do with our bodies. And that's just my opinion, and I respect everyone else's opinion. So I also so understand if people will be upset with me. I just someone told me, you're like teekies. Don't don't say it. You don't have to, like you know, there's even friends that had no idea that are in my life now. And I told him, I said, I just have to

say this because I honestly thought about it. I thought, I said, oh my gosh, like, is this because I had an abortion before that this happened and all the reproductive issues that I've had, Is it because of that? You know? I'm not gonna lie and say that. I

didn't think that. But when I was in Albuquerque at the hospital, the doctor there was so amazing and she told me, because of course, you have to give them all of your you know, your health history, and and I did, and I told her, I told her, you know, yes, and a media already knew this. Him and I before, I think a week before he asked me to marry him,

we had this deep conversation in Las Vegas. We both like sat at a bar and we just told each other everything, stuff that he's gone through and he has done that he's not proud of. And I confess this. I said, I just want you to know everything about me. And I just feel better since that conversation. So even friends of mine who are really close to me, I

never told them. Uh. And one of my friends was like, I don't think that you need to tell people this because you know how people or some people can be with you, especially the media. They're going to talk bad about you. And I'm just like, you know what. At first, I was like, yeah, you're right, I'm not going to say anything, but it just didn't. It was bothering me. And that's like my gut feeling, my intuition saying it's okay. The people that love you are going to love you regardless,

and maybe you can help other people. And that's what I want to do, is like I want to help people and I want to show you guys at the end of the day, like, hey, I'm not perfect. I wasn't entirely honest, because again I wasn't ready. But now that I've experienced this, I see the world in a different way, and even to the point where people that I love so much and that I thought we're friends, this has made me see people for who they really are and what part they should play in my life. Now.

It's crazy how so much pain can open your eyes to like a different world to appreciating life in a different way, which is why I felt it so deep within me to express this, to let you guys know, especially my listeners, like my loyal listeners that listen to my podcast, because I never want to steer you guys in the wrong way, in any way, and the only way to change lives is to be completely honest, and I always say that, So this is I feel like the only thing that I need to clear up. Other

than that I've been honest about everything. It's just something so personal and because my mom never knew, she never found out, she didn't even know I was pregnant. You guys, ever, I don't know what I was doing at nineteen year olds, how I got there, Like I drove myself. I had to stay there, like it was like it was a

whole DNC it was that did happen? And I just I only told an aunt and I said that in my podcast, and I don't know if she ever shared it with anyone, but I was really close to her then. And no, it's not my mom's sister. It's another aunt, one of my uncle's wives, that I told, And I don't think she ever said anything. She never told my mom.

So I just felt like it's not fair. I guess in a way, I feel weird, Like I never thought I was going to say it, to be honest, I never thought I had to because I always thought about my mom too. I'm like, Okay, well that's not cool, like she's not here and she didn't know, but you know what, I'm grown. I'm sure my mom would understand. Now. You know, I was just young and I was scared and I was not ready, and it's something I do think about all the time. And if anything, I want

to apologize to that partner. And I won't say his name, but for sure, once he knows my age and how old I was, he's gonna know. But I just don't feel fair. He's happy now and I'm so happy for him and his wife and they have three beautiful boys. And I just feel like everything happened the way it was supposed to happen, and Ynada, I just wanted to get that off my chest. You guys says it was

killing me. I was like, I can't, I can't sleep, Like it was just something that was really like weighing heavy on me because of this whole experience and I just believe in being fair, and I just feel like it wasn't fair to that pregnancy, you know what I mean. It's weird. I don't even know if I'm making sense, but I just feel like it wasn't fair to the pregnancy I just had, or the pregnancy that I had

at nineteen. I'm like, let me just come out in the open and just bring it to light, because now I know more than ever who I am and where I want to go and the impact I want to have in this world. That I'm okay with letting you guys know. Hey, guys, I'm not perfect. I know a lot of people have probably gone through this and haven't told a soul, and that's okay. I mean, it's up to you if you don't want to tell everyone or

put it on a podcast, you know. But for me, I just felt like this is part of my mission, you know, in this world, and especially after this weekend, you guys, I had three shows. I went on stage with the worst back pain, you guys, And that's also part of the miscarriage. I didn't know. I've never experienced a back pain like this. I don't even like taking ibuprofen or taila oh, I'm like try my best to be very like holistic and you know, take natural things.

But I was in so much pain, like I it was. It was insane, but we got through it. And it's crazy because the first show I had for the am onth this tour, I was pregnant and I didn't know how I was going to feel going on stage, and like you know what I mean, like because the first show, I felt so powerful, I felt like invincible. Was this crazy feeling I felt. I just felt like I had this glow about me, and I was afraid that I wasn't going to have that for these shows. And I

had a great time at my shows. I did hydrate very important. I'm gonaeting Ivy today too, because you know, got to care myself. But I felt very sad in the first show. I cried a little bit when I was singing Sino Tubi Rasiloyes got very like watery because of the lyrics and what that song means to me and like obviously like it's a very special song to a media as well, but I just I cried a little bit. And then after that, after the first show,

I felt a little bit better. And then the second and third Children's Third show was I think the hardest physically, but emotionally I felt I felt pretty good. I felt fine again. I think it's because of the faith that I haven't got and like in the higher power that helped me heal from this. I don't think I'm completely healed yet from from what happened, but I'm definitely I feel better every single day. Physically, I'm still feeling a

little weird. I'm not supposed to work out. I think what really messed me up, you guys, was I was feeling fine and then I got on the bike for forty five minutes, and then after that the back paint came. And the lady that helps me at the house. You know, she's a Mexican lady, so they know all these like you know, cosas, caaseiras and like all. I feel like the Mexican ladies, the older ladies know everything. So she told me, she's like, you weren't supposed to work out.

You have to be careful. Your uterus is still healing, even if you're feeling like better. And I think that that's like I had. I was like, damn like and I think that's what started the whole back paint. It's still not one hundred percent gone, but it's getting better, and I have faith it'll get better because in a few days I'm flying out because I have another two shows. I just wanted to kind of tell you guys where I'm at and how I'm feeling, and let you guys

know that I am okay. Because a lot of people were worried. They couldn't believe that I was gonna go back on tour. I did get a lot of those messages like I think you should cancel. I did get an angry person that was like, oh my god, that's so responsible. I can't believe you're going on tour. But I'm fine, you guys, I'm okay. I have a great team around me. I'm taking precaution as well. I'm doing what I got to do, and being on stage makes me happy, Like feeling the love that you guys give me.

When I'm on stage, I loss, and you know, all of that makes me feel full and happy. So I'm good. Emilia is also okay. People ask me about that. How is he? He's a lot better. I'm telling you, every day we're understanding more and more, and I just feel like this situation happened because I needed to also see things that I can better within myself and with my surroundings and people around me. It's unfortunate that this had to happen in order for me to open my eyes

and see certain things. And I guess accept it certain things, but I I'm always just grateful for every experience because I feel like through every experience, you grow and you mature and you learn, and I'm definitely still seeing little by little what the blessing behind this unfortunate event, because there's always something good that we can pull from sad situations. So I'm still on that journey and this was part

of it. I just wanted to talk to you guys and open up about them because I didn't want to, like feel like I was misleading you guys in any way. And I think it'll also help my healing journey. And yeah, I mean, if there is someone that's watching or listening and maybe doesn't see me the same anymore, I'm okay with that. I completely understand. I am a person that respects everyone's opinion and I'm sorry if I let you

down in any way. But I also want to be loved and completely loved and accepted for who I am, which is why I felt so comfortable letting Emilia know this because I want him to love me, flaws and all, and I don't want to have any skeletons in the closet or secrets or pretend to be someone that I'm

not to be loved and to be accepted. So if there are people here that want to unsubscribe or unfollow me on social media or I'm okay with it because I also, like I said, I love people for who they are and that's the only thing I want in

my life. I want it to be completely reciprocated. So if anything, I'm again I apologize, and the people that have been with me since day one and continue to be with me and will continue to be with me, I love you, and I could just promise you from this day forward that there is nothing else that I feel that I need to say or anything else that

I wouldn't be okay with speaking about. To be honest, like, I am in such a good place in my life where I'm like, I know who I am, I know where I'm going, I know what I want to do in this world, that there's nothing that I wouldn't feel comfortable talking about at this point and just saying, hey, here, this is what I think. These are my belief this is what I've done wrong or things that I'm not

proud of, or whatever it may be. I don't know, but I just want to say thank you to everyone for listening and for being here with me, and and so be it whatever happens from here. I mean, I always say that, and I feel good. I feel free. I feel like there it's out there. I don't have to hide it. I don't have to like you know what I mean, like just for the sake of not

upsetting certain people. And it's just like, you know what, this is me, and that's all I can give you is me, my real self, and I would just hope that you love me for who I amen. So you, guys again, thank you so much for listening, for being here, for being a part of this family, Chiky's and Chill, for listening to dear Cheeky's as well. I am very grateful and I appreciate you and you and you and all of you, and I'll catch you on the next episode of Cheeky's and Chill. Thank you, guys. This is

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