I Had a Miscarriage

and I'm so happy you're here. Thank you so much for listening. I hope you all had a great weekend. Today's topic is going to be a little heavy, and it's something I haven't talked about in depth and I never thought I was going to. But this is a space that I feel safest. So let's go and jump into this episode of chick Ease and Chill. So, guys, today,

I'm going to share something extremely personal. I never thought i'd share this, but I feel now is the time to do it, especially because I mentioned a little bit about it in one of my episodes, and of course the media they go ahead and turn things around and it got from a miscarriage into an abortion, which was not the case. So I did have a miscarriage when I was nineteen years old, So my mom did not know about this. A lot of my family didn't know

about this, and not even my siblings. A couple of my friends knew. Um that are no longer in my life. Actually, and the guy that I was dating at the time, which was my first or should I say, like I had my boyfriend junr at sixteen, and then him and I we broke up, so I guess this would be like my second formal boyfriend. I've mentioned him before and the reality shows that we've had on I Love Jenny on Cheeks and Control all those reality shows. I talked about him a little bit because he did play a

huge part in my life and growing up. His name is Hector. He is now married to a wonderful woman who I follow on Instagram. She's great. We talk here and there. They have three beautiful boys now, and I can honestly say that I was the one that ruined that relationship. He was a really good guy and I just wasn't ready. A lot of people know my mom would call him her teddy Bear. So if you guys don't know who Hector is, my mom would always say her teddy bear. On I love Jenny. So I was

with him. I was eighteen, about to turn nineteen, and we stayed together, I think until I don't know, twenty eleven, and things just didn't work out. We tried and we tried, and he was actually the first person to ask me to marry him, and I canceled the wedding a month before, so I think that really just broke his heart. I just wasn't ready to leave the nest. I didn't want to leave my family, and he was just like, we can't live at your mom's house, and I guess we can.

We can live in my mom's house. And I just wasn't ready. I was young, you guys, but that relationship really did teach me a lot. Anyways, a shout out to him. I'm so happy for him and that he's doing well. And I loved his wife. She's awesome. But guys, this is the guy that I got pregnant at nineteen, and again I never told my mom. I was afraid. I was so scared. I didn't know what I was gonna do. But before I knew that I was pregnant.

I was already kind of late, like I think, like four days late on my period, and I thought, well, I'm pretty regular, you guys, So I'm like, okay, I didn't really know it was nineteen. I didn't really talk about it too much with my period, Like it was like a thing that we didn't talk about in my family, like periods and all that stuff and a lot of stuff, you know, with my mom. So I didn't really ask questions.

I was having unprotected sex with him. I had been like, yeah, like four days that I had missed my period, and I was bringing down from our house in Corona, where we lived at the time, and I was bringing some dirty laundry from upstairs in a basket and I was carrying in front of me, so I couldn't see the steps when I was coming down, so I rolled and I fell right on my butt. That hurts so bad. I'll never forget. I just I'm so glad I didn't fall on my face because I could have. Because I didn't.

I couldn't have. I couldn't hold anything, so I just kind of fell on like the last four steps and just landed on my butt. I didn't think anything of it. I said, okay, I fail whatever, you know, fine. I think a week passed by or not even It was like three or four days and I took a pregnancy test and I was pregnant. Um. I took another one and it said positive, and I said, oh my goodness. So I said all right, and I told him. I was like, so scared. I told him, and he was

so happy and so excited, and I was scared. I was terrified. I was like, what am I going to do? I am scared? Or what am I going to tell my mom? She's gonna kick me out? And I was just so afraid. Anyways, I don't know, but after I told him, I want to say a few days later, its happened a long time ago, you guys. I don't remember exactly everything. But a few days later, I just started bleeding crazy. I was thinking of telling my mom when she got back from out of town, just tell her, hey,

I'm pregnant, you know. But I don't know if it was the fall, the stress, what happened. But I just started bleeding and I bled so much it was crazy. It hurt horribly. So I had a miscarriage. Apparently. Again I was young. I didn't talk to anybody about it. I was afraid, and it just stayed like that, and um, of course him and I were sad about it. He was very sad about it. We left it at that. I never went to the doctor. I never even got blood work done to say, oh, yeah, you're pregnant, but

I took the pregnancy tests that said I was. So I'm telling you, when I had that miscarriage, there was it was like chunks of blood and it just it looked crazy. It was like a heavy, heavy, heavy period, very painful. So anyways, that happened, and I remember going to build a bear and I got him a gift and I got him a little bear and I got put a little dress on her. I just in my mind thought, okay, it's a girl. I don't know why I thought it was a girl. In my mind, we

made it it was a girl. And we named the teddy bear. Genesis had her own little certificate, and I gave it to him as a gift as kind of like I'm sorry, Like you know, it's just a cute little thing that him and I only knew about. No one else knew. We never talked about it. I don't think he ever told his family. Maybe his mom we told, I don't remember. But anyways, so we were gonna name. We named the baby that was in heaven Genesis, and I always said it was like a girl in my mind.

So that was that. It was a very difficult time. And then I think it was my next period that I was having a lot of pain and I felt very bloated, and so I went to the doctor. I went to actually Planned Parenthood is where I went, and they checked me and they said that they needed to scrape my uterus, so they put me under to kind of clean everything out. They said that I did and I should have gone to the hospital if I had a miscarriage, and you know, and I just didn't know

what to do. So they had to put me under and just scrape everything. Scraped my uterus. I don't know what it's called. I never felt anything. He picked me up again. We never talked about it. They gave me pain meds and then I was fine. I was regular, and I've been regular since. But I don't know. I think now I'm at a different point in my life, and I feel I'm a woman now and there are certain things that I would want to be honest about,

especially something like this. It's so delicate, so personal, and I never had the chance to tell my mom. But I can help other people, other young ladies that perhaps are having miscarriages or don't know what to do or too scared. And it's important because it can really affect you. If you don't get the right medication to clean your body out your uterus, it could really cause a deadly infection in your uterus and and causing your ovaries and

things like that. So that's why I decided to talk about it, and something that I haven't talked to Hector about it, and I don't know. I mean, it's also his story to tell, so I feel kind of bad talking about it. But I'm sure he'll understand. He's in a much better place now and I'm happy for him, so hopefully he doesn't mind. But that is a story with my little baby angel Genesis that I call her.

So I didn't tell my mom, and I didn't tell her because I didn't have the chance to tell her because then I had the miscarriage and I could have told her after the miscarriage. But then I'm like, well, for what what if she gets mad and then she gets double mad. I don't know, you know, I don't know. I was thinking so many things. But the reason I didn't tell her was because I also felt like, what if I let her down? She really needed me at that time, and she loved Hector and she knew Hector

would take care of me. But I don't know. I was just afraid. And then after it happened and I saw how happy he was, then I thought, Okay, well maybe it'll be okay. Maybe he could tell her. You know, I think she would have been initially kind of shocked and kind of like stressed out, like oh gosh, like you're in my right hand, like what what are we going to do? But we would have figured it out. And really, when I knew she would have been fine

with it was when Jackie came home pregnant. She was about what nineteen years or something like that, and she came and my mom was happy. She was just ecstatic, like it was just like, oh my god. Yes. I don't know if she was just more ready or she kind have expected it from Jackie more. But when I helped Jackie tell my mom, and my mom was so happy about it. I said, oh, wow, would have it would have been the same thing it should have been. It would have been cool. Or should I tell her?

I even thought, should I tell her about the miscarriage now? But I didn't. I was just, again, always very like seeking my mom's approval. I never wanted to disappoint her. I didn't want her to be like, well, why are you telling me now? And why didn't you tell me then? You know? So I just said I'm just gonna stay quiet and stay quiet about it. But I think she would have reacted happy. Um. She was such a great grandma. She loved Jayla and Luna so much. She didn't spend

that much time with with Luna. Luna was weeks old when she passed, but she was in love. I remember her telling me one day, I'm so sorry. I thought I knew what love was with you guys, my children, but it does not compare with the love that I feel for my granddaughters. Like it's just this other love. So I would always think Dane, like I would have a baby right now, you know, how would she be?

And and and even when she passed that that's another time when it came up, this whole thing how old would would my daughter be or my child I would be, you know, and and she would have seen one of my kids, you know. I it just certain times it would come up and they would go away. And I was another reason why I said, after my mom passed, I'm not going to have kids, because she wasn't going to be able to be there holding my hand like she was with Jackie while she was having her baby.

So then I saw Jackie pop out three more and I said, Okay, it'll be fine, she's strong. I'll have Jackie. They're holding my hand when I have babies. So anyhow, I think the only person I ever told from my family was my thea Brenda, my theo Juan's wife told her years ago, and she is such a good secret keeper because she never I don't even think told my uncle told anybody. I never heard about it. Again. That's the only person in my family actually that I told.

And she just hugged me and she said that she understood that she was there for me. During that time, I was working with my mom and I was helping her with my siblings and the house and the bills and all that stuff. I've said this before, but some of you may know this, but my plan after high school was I'm going to the Air Force. I'm going to shave my head, and I am going to use the Air Force to figure out what I want to do.

Because the Air Force, after you're they're serving for four years, then they give you and they pay for your college education. So my thing was, let me not to figure out if I want to be a psychologist, what do I

want to do. So that was my plan, and that plan was dismissed because my mom, unfortunately or fortunately, I don't know whatever, you know, she's not here to say, but she got divorced from Juan Lopez, which is Johnny and Jensica's dad, and she said I need you, I need you, and I need you to help me with the kids. And her career was on the rise and she was doing so well. So she said that plan that you have to go to the Air Force. I'm sorry,

but I need you. So I didn't go. And I had already spoken to that particular branch at school and everything. I had talked to my counselor, and so I had to say that I wasn't gonna go anymore. And I after high school, I went straight into helping my mom with her enterprises and helping her with the perfume and everything that we did together, anything and everything she taught me.

I went to the University of Jenny Rivera or should I say University of Hard Knock Life, and my professor was Jenny Rivera, so she taught me anything and everything that I know and how to take care of a household and take care of children. I mean, I had been take care of my siblings since I was ten years old, but really when I graduated high school and then it became a job and I started getting paid for it, I was a little bit of everything. I was her assistant. I did her hair sometimes, I was

her personal shopper. I did everything because during that time, she was coming up. So we had helped. My dear Brenda, That's why I told her, because she was the closest to me at the time. She was working for my mom as her secretary, so she helped. But in reality, it was a mom and I during that time, and she was going through a horrible divorce and she was very sad, and I had to help with Johnny, who was a baby. So in reality, Johnny is my child. You got is my mom said, it's six months, here's

your kid. I gotta go work. So I was the one that winged Johnny off, his off, his bottle, off his Troop one pacifier, took him to school. I mean, he was my kid, you guys, him and Jessica. So I had a lot of responsibility during that time. But I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't change it for the world. For a long time, like I said, I was sad about the miscarriage. I felt like something was wrong with

my body, something was wrong with me. But I learned to say, you know what, God knows why he does things, and we may not understand them at the moment, and we may even question him, but he always knows why. I don't know what it would have been like to have a child and also raising Johnny at the same time, and my mom really needed me, and you know, she had just gotten divorced. So it's just then I started thinking like, okay, when a Kistamo's And for a long time,

it did change my perspective on having children. I thought like, oh my goodness, if this is painful, I don't even know what it's like to have a child to your vagina you know. So I was like, I don't know if I want to go through that. And for a long time, actually t m I, but I didn't have sex with him for a while after that because I was so traumatized. I said, oh my gosh, no, I don't want to even take the chance of getting pregnant.

Was so painful. It was so heartbreaking, you know, and I felt for him that I had let him down. So he understood. He was so patient and he was just like, don't worry about it. So yeah, in that part, he was very patient because I was a hot mess during that time. The crazy thing is that Hector and I had kind of calculated to that, I remember her name was Genesis, that her birthday was going to be

sometime in December. So for a long time, for I think like a couple of years, him and I secretly and quietly celebrated her birthday with the cute little teddy bear. I know where the teddy bear is now, that's so crazy, I'm thinking about him. I had a cute little dress, a pink little dress, and we would celebrate her birthday because we thought, okay, if we calculate right, it would

be born in December. So the first year, we got a little cake and we blew out the handles and said happy Birthday, and we had a little teddy bear there. And then after that it was just we would spend time together and just kind of mention it, like, oh, she would probably be born around this time. There was never like really a specific day. I just always thought, okay, like it's somewhere in the middle of December, and we would just kind of just mention her and look at

the sky and hold her. And now I really want to know where she's at. Darn it. I'm like, I wonder where she is. She's probably my storage somewhere. But yeah, we did that for a few years, and then after we kind of just said, okay, it's time to just let that rest because it was really affecting me emotionally.

So I'm just remembering all these things. It's crazy because I'm going back and I really hope that this conversation doesn't affect his relationship in any way, which it shouldn't, you know, because again, that happened a long time ago. But yeah, it's kind of cool to go back and remember those things and those nice moments that we lived and stuff, you know. Because I'm really grateful for him

and for his family. And I still have contact with his sister, which is Michael More because him and I um we baptized her son, so we have a god son together there. Him and I haven't spoken in years. I think the last time we spoke was when my mom passed. He was there with my whole family helping us, and I think he was already dating his girlfriend that's now his wife, and he was really nice, and you know, my whole family loves him. That's the last time I

think I ever spoke to him or saw him. But I keep it cool if I see his mom, his mom, his family, all of them played a huge role in my life, and I'm so greatful. We were together about four years, four and a half years. So I just wanted to share this guy's ladies, if you have gone through it, if you're going through it, speak to someone a therapist. It doesn't have to be a family member, it doesn't have to even be a friend. If you don't want to tell people, it's just it's important to

talk about and let these feelings out. I highly suggest it because you can really go into a dark hole thinking, oh my gosh, something's wrong with me and I can't give my person a baby and all this stuff because even though at that time I wasn't necessarily ready, I just knew, Okay, well it's happening, and I love this guy and he really wants a baby. I know my mom might be a little upset, but it is what it is. And I was kind of already getting ready

to have the baby. But then when it happened and it was taken from me and I had the miscarriage, then I was like, oh my gosh. I went into like a depression of like, oh my gosh, what is wrong with me? Because he was really sad, and I'm like I let him down and my body is not right and what's going on? And then I don't know. My doctor when I went to go get that procedure done, said that fall could have something to do with it. We don't know. It's just sometimes it just happens. It's

not something that you're necessarily doing wrong. I even asked, am I eating something that I'm not supposed to eat? Like, no, it's just sometimes your body doesn't hold the egg and it just comes out. And and she helped me with making me realize it was probably like three weeks something like that. I remember three or four weeks something like that. Pregnant. She says, not even a baby yet, it's not even formed. It's it's a little bitsy bitty little seed. So don't

feel bad that you lost it. Like it's like, I'm like, well, but I was. I was really sad about it, guys. It really didn't affect me. So anyways, ladies, talk to someone, don't be shy, get some therapy, and it'll help a lot. Talking about it now is very healing for me because it's something that I just kept deep, deep, deep inside my heart for so long because a part of me felt ashamed, felt like did I do something wrong? What's

wrong with my body? I thought like maybe I can't have kids, and then I kind of left it alone for a while. That's what I would think for years. And I even thought, well, maybe my sexual abuse had something to do with it. I don't know. I thought so many different things, you guys. And I did speak to a therapist about it. I think I was, I don't know, about twenty three, and she gave me great advice and I kind of after that. After I had

that conversation with her. I just left it behind. I said, Okay, it is what it is. It's not my fault, it's not my body's fault. It's just what happened. And I kind of have to leave it there. After that miscarriage is when I said, okay, I need to use condoms because I wasn't. I didn't do birth control. I didn't never did the pills. I didn't get my I U D birth control until later I got the copper one. But I just said, I I need to use condoms. I don't want to go through this again, and so

should mind that therapist. That particular therapist help me a lot with that. So I left it alone. And then when I was doing the fertility and started the fertility and all that stuff, and I found out about my endometriosis and the CIST, it all came back again and I'm like, oh, my goodness, does this have to do with that? You know? And I did it in silence, because you know, I think I actually told my husband about it. He didn't have much to say about it.

He just kind of like, okay, you know, just it happens. You know. He didn't make me feel bad about it. He didn't nothing, and that was that. But it came back to me and then I talked to my life coach about it and again gave me great advice, and I felt like, am I broken? You know, as a woman, it's like, am I broken? Is something wrong with me? And said, well, didn't you go to your fertility doctor? Like yeah, and what did he say? And I'm like, yeah,

you're right. So it's just coming back and speaking to people about it, and and ladies that have had miscarriages. I feel for you. I know what it is. I know that it's not something you just talk about and and you do sometimes feel like it's something wrong with me. These are the things that I think. So I'm with you, my heart's with you, and don't feel ashamed. I think it happens so much and a lot of us don't

talk about it. And the aftercare that's important to have that I didn't do because I was so young and didn't know. Don't be ashamed, not everyone. You don't have to tell everyone like I'm doing right now, but it is something that just know it's okay, and thank goodness for fertility doctors that can help us if we need it.

So I did want to just state that because I know a few of my friends have had them and we've had these conversations, and even when they would tell me they had them, I didn't necessarily tell them about mine. I didn't think it was necessary to share it with, for instance, Emilio, unless I think he asked. If you were to ask me, well, now he's gonna know because he's gonna hear the podcast. But if you were to

ask me, I would definitely just say yeah. I mean, I think it's something so personal that I don't feel the need to share it with the relationship with a significant other. It's something that I didn't think throughout the years that I had to share unless they asked. I didn't tell a Medio. But now he knows and we'll have a conversation about it. But I think it's something that happened before him, and it's part of my story.

I feel like, you know, but I think maybe I should because I know he really wants children, and I've had the conversation with him what if I can't. What if my body just says I can't have kids? Are you going to be okay with that? And he says yes? Because he doesn't have any children of his own, but we don't know. So that's why I'm gonna I'm going through again through the fertility process because I do want to freeze my eggs and I want to make sure that I have that option and I have them. They're

just in case for whatever reason. I mean, I would be okay with having a surrogate if I can't carry the baby for whatever reason, as long as it's his sperm oror embryo, which would be my egg and his sperm in in someone else as a surrogate. I'm okay with that. I asked him, and he's I yeah, that he's okay with that as well. But he wants to try naturally and try everything before that. So we've talked about it, and I think now is the time that

I'm gonna have to talk about him. Maybe maybe before this episode airs, I'll talk to him about about this whole topic and let him know about that. I'm sure he'll be fine with it. He understands. You know what happened A long time agout you guys, because I'm not sure sometimes if I want to have children. There are times when I love kids and kids love me. I love loving on my friends kids, my sister's kids, my nieces and nephews. Like I love children, but I've raised

so many that I don't know. I feel like I've already done that. I've gone to school conferences, I've done everything, you know, with Johnny and Jessica and even Jackie. I would take her to her first day of school in high school, you guys, even in high school. I mean to go open up her locker to show her all her classes. Like I was a mom. I've been a

mom since I can remember, So I don't know. But then I stopped saying I don't want kids because then I felt like the words that I was speaking, we're causing things in my body, like cysts killing my eggs. But that's basically what cis we're doing. We're killing my eggs to not have children. So it changes things, and it's like, Okay, now my body is actually telling me that there's a possibility I can't. So when it's like

you can't, then you want it, you know. So I'm trying to change my words, and I'm like, if it's meant to be, it'll be. Like I said earlier in one of my episodes, I'm not necessarily trying to get pregnant, but I'm not on birth control. I'm just kind of like, God, if this is what's meant to be, it's going to be. I am on hormone therapy, so I'm sure that has some effect on why I'm not getting pregnant. But according to Dr Gader, my fertility doctor, I can and I

should probably try getting pregnant soon. He also said that the cysts will go away once I have kids, that my body is also asking to have kids. But also if I keep those cysts in there, they're killing my eggs. So it's just a lot of things. And I thought maybe I should talk about the miscarriage and talk about that moment in my life that was really scary, and I probably should have told my mom and I was

going to keep the baby. Um him and I talked about it's like okay, well, well you know, yeah, like we gotta keep the baby. I just need some time to talk to my mom. I'm scared, but things happened. I'm a firm believer that things happened for a reason. That is my story. Because I felt that I needed to do an episode on it because again, the media twists so many things, and their clickbait is crazy. Thank God for My Chickens and Chill podcast because I can

talk about anything and everything here with you guys. Thank you guys so much for listening to today's episode. This one was definitely a tough one to open up about, and if you're struggling with a similar situation, just no, you're not alone. There are resources out there to help you. Will actually list some of the resources in this episode show notes, so make sure you look out for those. And today's motivational Monday quote is I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become Again,

you guys are amazing all the listeners. You guys have made this podcast one of the popular ones, so I am so grateful. This is a production of I Heart Radio and Michael Dura podcast Network. Follow us on Instagram at Michael Dura Podcasts and follow me chick ees that's c h I q U I s. For more podcasts from My Heart, visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.