O, how's everyone. I hope today has been awesome for you, guys, and if not, I hope today's episode of Cheeks and Chill makes you feel really great and empowered. So today we're talking about a topic I've mentioned a lot throughout the season, people pleasing. You guys know that I've struggled with being a people pleaser in the past, but I'm in a much better place now, but I still struggle here and there with it. So I wanted to share my experiences and share how I stop putting the needs
of others above my own in certain situations. So let's hop into this episode. First of all, what exactly is a people pleaser? According to the Dictionary, it's a person who has an emotional need to please others, often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires. And that's exactly what I used to do, guys, And you know, I I think, and I was writing down and I did a little bit of research because I wanted to make sure I was giving you guys the
right information. As you know, you come on Cheeky's and Chill podcasts to hear the truth, and I'm always gonna be honest with you. And that means I'm going to share my personal experiences with you guys.
So AnyWho, let's.
Talk a little bit about traits or signs of people pleasing. Okay, saying yes when you really mean no. You've talked about that a lot here, Apologizing for things that aren't your fault. Ooh, I just did that. That's all long ago with my siblings actually, huh. Okay, Avoiding conflict at all costs hm hm, that confrontation thing. Guys like I sometimes have a little bit of a problem with confrontation. But it doesn't have
to be conflict. It could just be like, hey, I don't like this anyway, changing your personality depending on who you're around, constantly seeking approval or validation, feeling responsible for other people's emotions hmm, being afraid to disappoint others, even strangers, Oh my gosh, Feeling guilt or anxiety when you put yourself first.
Oh my gosh. You guys, I'm sure.
I mean, unless you're just like a very selfish person and don't care about anyone in the world, I'm pretty sure we have all dealt with people pleasing in some areas of our life at some point, and as we get older, we realize this isn't healthy. And one thing that I feel I've gotten a lot better on or with should I say, is saying no. I have learned the power in that little it's a bitsy word where I'm like, you know what, I don't have to be
mean about it. Like there were times, guys where I would go to events or to places that I did not want to go to because I didn't want to disappoint the person that invited me, or I felt pressured because it was the thing to do and it was the place to be, and I would go and I'd be so freaking miserable that I just have to just drink my life so that I can get through the event. And now I don't do that. Like I check in with myself and I'm like, Okay, do you want to do this?
Are you doing this for the right reasons?
Or are you doing this because this is what you should be doing?
And I do that.
I check with my heart and if I don't feel like going, and if it doesn't give me peace, I'm like, you know what, no, thank you, or I'm so sorry. I don't even have to lie about why I'm not going or i'm feeling sick or I used to do that, and then I would mess with my integrity because I was lying about something where I'm like, it's okay to say, you know what, just not feeling it today, thank you for the invite, but I won't be able to make
it as simple as that. You don't even have to explain yourself, and I would over explain and then lie, and it just no, I'm only hurting myself anyway, So apologizing for things that aren't your fault. I mentioned my siblings a little bit about that because that just happened, and I kind of like caved in with my siblings about a situation that we were going through a rough patch.
But I don't necessarily regret it. It made me feel good because I'm like, you know what, I've always been taught to lead by example, and I want to lead with love and even if I don't necessarily get what I need, because I can't really tell you that I did except for one actually no two of them apologized about what they did as well, But anyway, that was me, I think, in a way, pleasing them while I was pleasing myself because I'm like, okay, I don't see a life without my siblings.
I love them.
I want them a part of my life, even if things are going to be a little different.
But I did.
I felt like I probably jumped the gun because I just wanted it to go away. And I'm like, let's just let's just make this better. And I didn't stand the line.
But it's okay.
That's just a very minor and small example. But anyway, Okay, so let's talk a little bit about where people pleasing comes from. Okay, listen to this, because when I read this, I was like, oh my gosh, this resonates with me.
Okay.
Childhood conditioning being praised only when you were good, quiet, helpful, and agreeable. Ooh girl, oh does that speak to me? Okay, moving on trauma, wanting to avoid rejection or conflict at all cost. Family expectations, okay, or cultural expectations, especially in LATINX or religious households, where being selfless, obedient and nice is valued above authenticity.
Did you guys hear that?
Let me say this one more time, okay, where being selfless, obedient and nice is valued above authenticity, y'all. Oh my gosh, fear of abandonment. That was me for a very long time believing love must be earned, not freely given. Oh my gosh, guys, Ugh, I'm pretty sure you guys listening can relate in some way. Why is people pleasing unhealthy?
You, guys?
It leads to resentment and burnout, You lose your sense of self, you can be easily manipulated, creates inauthentic relationships. That's a huge one. It creates inauthentic relationships. It delays your growth and healing, teaches others to disrespect your boundaries. But you know, talking about my siblings because it is fair, and I want to be fair about this. One of the things that caused this whole rough patch with my siblings and I was I accidentally subconsciously crossed one of
Jenica's boundaries. My sister Jenica and her and I are very close, and I feel like she felt No, I don't feel she told me that I crossed the boundary, and then it just seemed like I didn't care. And this is where my big sister Hat came in and was like, wait, Okay, well yeah, I'm not I can't talk about this, but it's important that I talk about this certain situation. And again, I don't want to get into details because I don't think it's necessary right now.
But I guess I did cross a boundary. It wasn't my intention. I was just being that sister slash mother where I'm like, you know what, I need to tell you that I don't agree with this, even if it is kind of crossing a boundary, but I still cross the boundary. I'm still learning, you guys, I'm still learning. I'm still human. I'm still trying to figure the shit out,
you know. So AnyWho, I hope that you guys listen to all of that because I think it is important to understand all of this, where it comes from, why we do it, etc.
Etc.
And also as we get older, it feels more uncomfortable.
It really does.
Like for me, I'm like, no, I don't want to be a people pleaser. I want to be my authentic self one hundred percent, even if that means people aren't going.
To like me.
I am okay with not being liked by a lot of people. There are certain people that I want to please, like my husband. But even then, with him, I have learned to be very hmm, what's the word, not vocal, not necessarily assertive, But I have learned that it is okay for me to be my individual self and want different things than he wants, and it is also okay, and I need to be okay with him wanting different things because if I could be honest before, I was
like okay and not with him. I mean in my past relationships, and this is where I messed up, where I'm like, okay, I could do what I want. This is how I feel. But then you can't necessarily have your own thoughts. I mean, just as a little small example, but if I want my relationship to work, I not only have to stand as my author self and being
my individual person. But that's how our relationship is. Two individual, authentic people that are in their own process, in their own healing process, trying to be their best selves come together, respecting each other's individuality and coming together and making each other happy. But we have to make ourselves happy. I know that was a mouthful, but I hope it made sense. My point being that I have learned to speak with love and say, hey, babe, I don't necessarily want to do that.
I don't agree with that. If you want to do it, go ahead.
It's just not my jibe and that's okay, and if you feel the same way, it is okay.
Before I would.
Over extend myself in relationships with not just a significant other, but friendships, family, etc.
Etc.
And I would feel depleted. I would feel like I was giving so much and not getting in return what my heart needed because I did get people used to just overextending myself, and that's part of people pleasing because you don't want to lose that person. That's part of, you know, the abandoned issues that I had, Like I'm like, Okay, I'm gonna accept this person even though they're treating me like crap. And I know I don't deserve this, but
I don't want them to leave me. And oh my gosh, as I'm speaking you guys, I'm realizing some things and I'm like, oh my gosh, I again, like I said, I still struggle with this stuff, you guys, Like it's still something that I need to remind myself, which is why I thought it was very important that I did this episode because it's it's hashtag note to myself as well, because as I'm speaking and I'm telling you guys, I'm like, oh my gosh, I literally just did this not so
long ago, because I don't want to lose certain people and I don't want to lose their love and I want them in my life.
That you kind of not accept. It's not the word.
You overlook, I guess, or you excuse people's behavior and then they don't learn because you keep doing things the same and you keep just again over extending yourself and then you feel depleted and then you can't function at your best and show up as your best version. And I'm having an epiphany right now as I'm speaking to you guys. But anyway, it's not about me right now.
It is about people pleasing and how we are all as a community of cheeky's and chill We're going to try our best to change this together and remind ourselves when we're doing it and not to do it because it causes a world of problems.
How to stop people pleasing?
Okay, and reclaim your power. We are going to reclaim our power. Okay, say it.
With me wherever you're at, if you're at work.
Say it low, okay, but say it with me okay, if you're wherever you are. We are going to reclaim our power because we deserve it. Okay, pause before saying yes. Ask yourself, do I want to do this? Or am I afraid of how they'll feel if I say no? That's Number one. Talked about that one. I feel like I got that one down.
Number two.
Get comfortable with discomfort, y'all. Ooh, right now, I wrote all this and I can't even believe it. Okay, because it's coming back to me as I'm reading it to you. Okay, it's okay. If people are disappointed, discomfort isn't danger. Okay, it's okay, guys. If people are disappointed, discomfort isn't danger. Oh my gosh, janay hashtag note to myself times three okay. Number three. Affirm your worth. I am enough even when
I say no. I am worthy without overextending myself. Number four set boundaries lovingly, saying I can't write now, but I care about you. It's still love. Boundaries are bridges, not walls. Ooh girl, did you hear that? I surprise myself sometimes?
Okay.
Number five. Reconnect with your needs. Ask yourself daily, what do I want? What do I need? What do I feel? Let that guide your actions. Number six Start small practice with low stake situations. Okay, what does that mean, decline and invite, express a preference. Ask for space. That's a big one. It's okay to ask for space. I do that in my relationship. Sometimes I will tell him I'm like, baby,
you know what, I'm not in a good mood. I just need space, or I need to go to dinner with my friends because I need space, and he's allowed to do the same. It has to be vice versa. Guys, Okay, just fy. You have to be okay. You can't just be Oh, I want to do it, but you can't do it. That's the old Jena. By the way, I have learned. I have learned, I have grown.
Okay.
Number seven, surround yourself with safe people. Oh Jesus, yes, okay, please, the right people will love the real you, not just the version that serves them when you say yes to others but no to yourself. And this is something I want you guys to remember. Okay, It's something I wrote, and it's very profound because again, all of this is also for myself and for the people that I love. So if my friends are listening to the podcast, thank you for listening, first of all, but you know this
is for all of us. When you say yes to others, but no to yourself. You betray your own soul. Healing begins when you choose yourself without guilt. And I'm glad that we're going to talk about guilt because people pleasing does. As you guys heard where it comes from. And I was telling you guys all of that stuff. I used to feel so guilty because I was taught in church that the best kind of love is the selfless love.
And I was brought up in a Christian, a very Christian home, and I was raised by my grandma and she's very Christian. And I thought that saying no, or setting boundaries or just being selfish, is that that's kind of what I was taught, Like, Okay, you're being selfish just because I decided to be like no, I don't necessarily want to do this. Like I felt very guilty, Like I don't know it was something that I was programmed with. I think it came from, honestly, from religion.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm not saying all religions are like that, but in my case, in my situation, I was thinking about it as I was writing everything and preparing for this episode. I'm like, where like did it first start, And I think that's where it was, because now we talk a lot about self love and self care and what that means. And don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean you have to be in a hole and be mean and be like no, you know, like
there's no, it's not that. It's just really listening to your intuition, listening to that little voice that I call God, that little voice inside that we all have. I feel like it's God, you know, obviously, Like I like to do heart checks, talked about that on the episode. I'm like, Okay, how does my heart feel? Where's my heart at? Is this a good feeling? Is this a bad feeling?
Am I? You know what I mean?
You got to do all those checks with yourself. But that guilt was so heavy on me for so long that I did not realize until it was not too late, but almost too late, where I'm like, oh my gosh, I don't have more to give because I've given it all and I didn't keep any for myself and I was not surrounding myself with the right people. So I was given given giving, and I wasn't getting anything back.
So I was just.
Left like a shell and I had to, like, you know, do therapy and do a lot all these things and relearn certain things in life in order to come back
and feel whole again. And since I didn't want to go through that anymore, I had to just like rewire my thinking because I was so programmed since I was young, nine, ten, eleven, twelve of how I should be and it all came from guilt because I was like, Okay, if I'm selfish, I'm gonna go to hell, you know, Like that's really what I had, Like, I just have to give myself over and over, even if I'm hurt, because that's what God expects.
And it's like, wait a second, that's so not the case.
And I don't know if this is the episode to get into the nitty gritty of that, but maybe we should do a whole episode on that. But anyway, the guilt is real, guys, and you have to learn to just set that to the side and understand where you're coming from. And if you're not hurting anyone by saying no, by setting a healthy boundary for yourself, I think you're fine.
Like I'm a lot happier now, and again, I'm still learning how to set boundaries, and you know, in certain relationships in my life and my personal life, and it's still like it's a work in progress. So make sure that you are gentle and compassionate with yourself. You're gonna fall off the badwagon a little bit and then you just get back on it. You know, it's like, okay, let me get back on track. It happens to all of us. It happens to me. But always ask yourself,
am I doing this with a good intention? Am I trying to spite someone? Am I trying to guilt someone? Myself with trying to set either a boundary or make a point? You know, like, you know, just know and ask yourself, is my heart in the right place? And you'll know because you'll feel relaxed. And that's when I
know that I am doing the right thing. If I feel peace, if my tummy is relaxed, if my heart feels at ease, and I always close my eyes, I'm like, okay, wait, is this coming from the right place?
Okay, good? It is all right?
Awesome, Then it's okay for me to just say no to this situation. And before I let you guys go, I do want to give your heart some ease, because I know there was a lot that was said on this episode saying that I have it all right. I'm just telling you from personal experience and how good it does feel with putting yourself first. But that doesn't mean that in certain situations or with certain people, you can't
put them first. With your children or your husband, or especially if those people are good to you and they reciprocate what you give. But even then, if you want in your heart to make someone happy and you don't care if they give you anything back, I think that's beautiful. More power to you. I'm just talking about unhealthy situations, and only you will know what that means, because we know how it makes our body feel, and it makes us sad, and it makes us cry, and it makes
us not stand straight and happy. There are certain situations and people that make us feel that way. So I'm just letting you just figure it out and make space for it. But again, there is nothing wrong with it at all. If you want to be that person that's just amazing and wants to give, give, give, I don't think there's anything wrong with that, actually, not at all, you know, and if that makes you happy, then more power to you.
One hundred percent.
So I just wanted to put that out there because I'm not saying, Okay, you know, go out in the world and just be a meani. I'm not saying that because I know I don't like being a meani. You know. I like to spread love and radiate love and everything that I do. But also, again, I don't want to get all into it again, but there are times where you just got hold on. You're not being nice and I'm not going to allow you to be disrespectful and mean to me. You're hurting my feelings and I don't
like it, and that's it. So anyway, I hope that made sense. I really thought it was extremely important to talk about this because I do feel that it's something we all struggle with, and it feels good when you free yourself from this little by little. It's not going
to happen from one day to another. And I don't recommend you guys doing it cold turkey, like you have to ease your way into it and ween off of being a people pleaser, because then you're gonna come off as a royal bee, you know, And it's like, okay, I'm not trying to cause more friction, you know, issues
or tension in my life. I just want to free myself from this that is not causing me to feel good people pleasing And now that you guys know where it comes from and where it stems from and how it started and what it looks like, then maybe it will help you. So with that being said, I am happy that you can come on cheese and chill and we can talk about all the things and hopefully I'm able to help you because speaking to you also helps me.
And now I have all of these episodes recorded so that whenever I want to go back and listen to something, it's a nice reminder for myself as well. So also, if you know someone that's a people pleaser or struggles with some of the things that I mentioned, send them this episode, Share this episode because I think it's a good one for all of us. Everyone doesn't matter, the age, doesn't matter the gender. This is something I think that is a worldwide problem. Anyway, guys, I have said enough.
I love you guys, I appreciate you very much. And yeah, I think that's it. That concludes this episode. Thank you for coming back each week and listening to this podcast and listen to Dear Cheeky's. We had some very cool questions this week, so make sure that you listen on Wednesday. Okay, I love you, have a beautiful day. This is a
production of iHeartRadio and the Microldura podcast Network. Follow us on Instagram at Michael Doura Podcasts and follow me Cheeky's That's c h i q u i s. For more podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite podcast.