Growth and Evolution

We are meant to change, we are meant to grow to mature, and I've realized that I've done quite a bit of it in many areas of my life, and I want to talk about these topics in different seasons, in different ages of my life. The first one is mental health. I can tell you that right now, as I'm older, in my thirties, it's been like back and forth for sure, where I feel like I'm good and then I'm not good, and then it's thirties have been beautiful, but very like I don't even know how to explain it,

especially with mental health. It's something that people speak about more like we hear about it more often people are feeling a little bit more vulnerable. I guess to speak about it, which I think is a great thing. So I think that's why I've realized that my mental health, especially in like my thirties, has been more prominent. I want to say Obviously, in my teens, I didn't really think about that. I didn't really know if I was sad.

I was sad and there was a reason. Now I feel like as i'm older, sometimes there's no reason and I'm just a little like sad and I have no there's nothing that necessarily triggered it. I don't know if it's hormones. I don't I have no idea, but I want to say that now I've dealt with mental health in a different way. Now I know, Okay, i'm a little sad. I'm not going to let this turn in two weeks of sadness. I'm just going to feel it.

I'm going to try to figure out. I'm going to read a book, I'm going to do something that's going to make me feel better. But obviously, when my mom was here, I feel like in a way I was happier. I was more confused. I didn't know exactly where I was going to go what I wanted to accomplish in life. But I wasn't like I don't know. I guess I was oblivious to it, and I just if I was sad, there was a reason, there was something that I had, maybe an argument with my mom and I or whatever

the case may be. But obviously my life changed so much after my mom passed away, and that's when I feel like I learned, oh, this is what depression is, a little bit before she passed away. But I'm grateful now that I know about therapy, that I know what makes me feel better. I know what self care is, what self love is, and it's a huge priority in my life, and that's how I deal with it. I've realized that this is just part of life and we

can't escape it. There's so much going on in the world that all we can do is find tools to deal with it. And that's kind of where I'm at. That's my relationship with mental health now. But in my younger years, quite frankly, it's very different. I didn't know what it was. I didn't know what depression was, what anxiety was. Now I hear about it more. Now I can recognize it and that's how I deal with it now.

But I think it's it's very important to come to terms with the fact that we are not the only ones. You're not alone in this. We all have. I think maybe even after the pandemic, that's where I feel a lot of us were uncertain about the future and anxiety kicked in and depression. But I think it's important to figure out what works for you. What maybe works for me may not work for you. Like there's some when I'm sad and I'm just like I'm gonna lay in

bed and I'm gonna take a nap. I'm gonna put some sleepy music on and that makes me feel better sometimes, or I'm gonna take a bath. It's important to kind of grow and learn whatever it is that works for you. You know, healthy things though, because for a long time in my early thirties, late nine, late twenties, early thirties, I realized that I was trying to cover up my sadness with alcohol, and I was suppressing my feelings and trying to numb certain things and just get through the

day or get through work. And I was drinking a lot. And that's not healthy either. So just make sure they're healthy things, you know, learned healthy stuff. Okay, Oh my relationship with my mom, Okay, how have I evolved in that area? Well, Well, for a very long time. When I was, you know, a child, teenager, I was very I guess you could say, afraid of my mom. I never wanted to disappoint her. I was afraid to be

myself completely. I felt like I couldn't because she was like the queen of my world, and I never wanted to show her the real me because I didn't know if she would like me. So I was for a long time trying to be everything she needed me to be. And so when I could be myself around my friends or people, I did feel I guess more comfortable around I remember her telling me, you know you're fake. But

it wasn't that. I was just more. I was just afraid, and that came with my people pleasing, with seeking her approval, and I never really had the chance to show her

who I really am. I don't think I was able to step into my own power until after she was gone, and that makes me a little sad because I think when I moved out that same year my mom passed away, we were able to have a mother daughter relationship, but for my entire life, it was if it wasn't for the kids, my siblings, it was for one of our businesses, and there was always business with my mom. So I had a very short period of time where we can actually go to lunch and go get our nails done.

I want to say, like maybe four months, five months, five months of my entire life guys to experience that mother daughter relationship. And I'm not gonna lie, it was a little awkward. I'm like, oh, I'm at lunch with my mom and we're gonna go get our nails. And it was like we didn't even know what to talk about, because you know, she really wanted me to spread my wings and I didn't know anything else other than taking

care of her and my siblings. So it was very awkward, but it was very nice to kind of step back and be like, oh, I can talk to my mom

about things, you know. And now, obviously as I've gotten older and i'm you know, in my career and stuff, I am more considerate, I guess, more compassionate of her feelings and how she was and not necessarily be so like critique her so much because now I know what it is to be a woman and to be in this industry and to feel the pressure that I'm sure she felt, which made her the woman and the mother that she was because she was a single mother. So

now it's different now. Instead of being upset at her, I'm more of like, I understand you, mom. It comes with age, It comes with going through your own experiences through therapy where you just completely let all of your feelings and you're able to have someone with an unbiased opinion step in and let you and help you see things like from another angle. And it took a while, because again I've told you guys so much here on

the podcast. I was very upset with my mom for a long time with how things were left and I was left to clean up the mess and try to figure it out. But all that stuff, everything that happened, really like kicked things into gear for me where I was. I had to step into my own power and protect myself when I would always look for my mom to protect me, you know. And it's been it's been a

hell of a ride, guys. These past twelve years have been insane, and I've grown so much, and now more than anything, I'm like I had the perfect mom, Like I had the perfect mom for the type of child I was, for the type of teenager I was, for the woman I am today, and I needed to be. I'm grateful and instead of being upset and pointing fingers at her, I'm like, you know what, she was just out there doing her best, and I did live a long time. Even while she was here, I was kind

of mad. I was like, dude, why why am I the oldest? Why do I have to be so responsible? Why do I have to do this? And now I'm like, thank you, thank you so much that everything that I went through and how tough she was with me, and the lessons that she taught me, even till the very last day where we weren't speaking, it was her still teaching me to be the woman I need to be without her even knowing. Like, it's like the craziest thing, and it takes a lot of healing guys to get

to that point. Because I could sit here and be like, oh my god, this happened to me and I could be sad and like, yes, I was very sad for a long time, but I wanted to step out of that and I wanted to grow out of it, and all I can do is just thank God and thank

my mom. And I wouldn't change anything, as crazy as it sounds, because of so many things that I've been through and how hard things were when she left, I'm grateful because it really put this fire within me to just want to be my best self, to make changes, to be different. And yeah, it's crazy to think about. I mean, we don't have enough time to get into all the details, but that's my relationship and how I have evolved. Thinking of just the relationship of my mom,

or with my mom, should I say so? Not us crying now? My relationship with my dad. Ooh, that one's a little tough because I didn't spend a lot of time with my dad. I think my dad was out of my life when I was twelve for ten years. It was on the run, and all I really remember is him being a pretty good dad. You know, it's weird because I should be quote unquote, I should have been more upset with my dad because of what he did because he sexually molested me, right, But I never

really was, and that's weird, especially when it happened. I don't know if it's trauma. I don't know, but I really was never upset with my dad. I was always more mad at my mom. And then that change, or my mom passed away, then I suddenly became very upset at my dad because he wanted to kind of step

in and say, hey, I'm here. And I'm like, well, why now now that my mom's not here, you think you could take advantage and manipulate us, That's what I thought, not knowing that he was like, Hey, I just feel bad I wasn't a present father. Your mother's no longer here. I feel like I need to at least let you know I'm here for you and you're seeings and it hurts me that you guys are going through this. And

I didn't see it that way. I just became very angry, like I wanted like I was like, no, don't get near me. I was. I'm telling you, I was so upset. Twenty thirteen was the I was just upset at the world. And the crazy thing is I forgave my dad a long time ago. He didn't ask for forgiveness until just recently, but I had already forgiven him. And I don't know. I think the relationship with my dad is just it's

just weird. I don't know where it is now. I do feel better because he asked me for forgiveness, because we are on talking terms. We're cordial with one another. And I'm very proud of myself for that because I never held a grudge and I have my mom. I owe my mom that because my mom was a very forgiving woman and she taught me that to forgive. And I think that's why. Like, she never told me to hate my dad. You know. She always said, when you guys are older, and when the time is right, I

will take you. I will take you to go see your dad. She would tell Jackie that a lot of Jackie, my sister, would cry a lot for him. But anyways, I don't know that with my dad. It's like I still have yet to figure out what's going to happen from here on out. Now that we he apologized, now that he recognized what he did, I don't know if I necessarily want a relationship or need a relationship with him, I don't know. I still have yet to figure that out. So I have to get back to you guys on that.

But I have a lot of peace in my heart when it comes to him. I don't judge him. I'm no one to judge. I'm like, God, that is that's what you gotta do, you know. But now I feel it feels nice to have peace with both my parents, with my mom and my dad. And I think just having that, even if they're not physically with me and in my life every day, just finding peace within myself to have peace with them and step back and try to put myself in their shoes has helped me heal

so much. So it feels so nice to have peace with my mother and with my father. It's like the best gift that I've I don't know. This year has been a tough year, but it also has given me so many gifts, and I'm that's one of them that I'm like, finally, finally, I'm like, I could rest in knowing that I didn't have the most horrible parents. You know, they were, you know, my dad just I don't know. I can't speak for my dad. I don't know. That's

a hard one. But anyways, have peace, so that that's good, that's evil, that's evolving and growing and maturing and not holding resentment with either one of them. Oh my gosh, it's so liberating. So liberating. Okay, so this is a good one. Relationship with food, oh m G. That has definitely been a topic of conversation since I was very young. I think I noticed that I had an issue with food.

My relationship with food, I must have been around I don't know, ten years old, maybe when I started gaining weight and realizing that I didn't look like all the rest of the little girls at school. You know, they were thin and I was always thick. I could literally

wear my mom's clothes at that age. At ten, I would share clothes with my mom, and I think it had to do Now through therapy, I've realized that the relationship with food has been because I think since the sexual abuse, you know, and it made me feel good. Food made me feel good and I would forget about everything because food was just delicious. I didn't realize that until, like, I don't know, a few years ago. But also I had a lot of issues with constipation, still deal with that.

I don't know if you guys understand me. But it also has to do with me holding things in for so long, which is why I love my podcast so much, because I'm able to just speak about everything and anything but for a long time I didn't. I kept in a lot of things, and that also affected my relationship with food. But now I could tell you, as I've gotten older, I used to just feel like, oh, I can eat whatever I want, and you know, I'm young and it's not going to affect me. That was my

thinking in my twenties, even my early thirties. Now I can tell you that I've realized that I can eat anything that I want. It's all in moderation, in portions, and also picking things that are going to fuel my body instead of making me feel good temporarily. And that took a long time to really say this is a lifestyle. I was all about diets for so long. But that

also came from my mom. I think my mom suffered with her weight, and you know, and that's her obviously story to tell, and I you know, but I know that my mom had this dark cloud over her all the time that you know, I need to lose weight and my kids can't be big, and she I think we all have this relationship with food because in our household we felt so limited for so long. It was you know, imagine being an eleven year old kid and

all you can drink is non fat milk. I couldn't even have two percent, Like it was like a thing. And so we would sneak food. I would sneak food my stepdad, Johnny and Jenica's dad. He would go to the story. He's like, I'm gonna go pup gas. Do you want something because he knew my mom didn't let us have treats. So he would bring me a brownie or he would bring me chips and I would hide them.

I was like a closet eater because my mom was I don't want my kids to be fat because I suffered with that and I don't want them to suffer. But without her knowing, it like backfired because we were doing it. Like at school, I would go across the street and have chili chesec because I know I wouldn't be able to have that around my mom. So I was like hiding. And now that I speak to my siblings,

they also would do the same thing. Jackie too. She would wake up in the middle of the night, she said, and she would eat, you know, and sneak her food. And I don't I'm not mad at my mom because again, she had her own things that she was dealing with with her childhood as far as food goes. But as I've gotten older, I took that word diet out out of my vocabulary. I don't use oh, I'm on a diet. No, I'll do fasts, you know, a lot. But as me like, oh, I'm gonna diet on, I wanted to do all the

diets in the world. I wanted that fast magical pill that was gonna make me lose weight real quick. And I wanted everything so quickly, so fast. And that's kind of the world that we live in anyways, Like we all want that quick fix, and I've learned that it's longevity. It's a choice. I can either have steak with vegetables or I can have steak with macaroni and cheese and

mashed potatoes. And I'm like, no, I'll taste it because I don't want to deprive myself, because depriving myself as a child didn't work, get it backfired, And now I'm like, I'll have a little bit of everything. But in reality, I want to feel good. I'm fueling my body. My body needs nutrients, not just I want to feel good right now. It's really making that choice and knowing that

it's a lifestyle, and that took a long time. Ticket to that point and serve myself a little bit, because even when I was on a diet, I would eat a lot of the good stuff and that's not good either. Another thing I need. Before I didn't want to weigh myself. I'm like, no, I'm not weighing myself. The scale is not my freaking friend. Now I'm like, the scale is my friend. The scale wants to tell me. It's all numbers.

Numbers don't lie to you. If I'm not eating well, if I'm not taking care of myself, it's going to show on the scale. And that's just the truth of it. When before I would just I don't want to think about it. Now I have a healthier relationship with the scale as well. I'm like, okay, once a week, I'm a visit your ass a little scale because I want to keep myself in check. You know. But it's a lifestyle. It went from diet to lifestyle and it's really it's

changed my life. And don't be afraid to indulge here and there, Like Monday through Friday, I'm gonna eat as healthy as I possibly can because I want to feel good because it's a lifestyle. But on Saturday and Sunday, I'm going to give myself. You know, I want to have a little pizza and I'm gonna have three slices. I'll have one. You know, it's all just in moderation, guys. The next one is marriage. Okay, my relationship with a marriage. For a long time, I didn't never wanted to get married.

I had this negative idea of marriage and how it just didn't work and how husbands cheated on their wives. I saw it in my family, almost all my family, and it made me very scared. The relationships my mom's relationships didn't work. And for a long time, I feel like I never was that girl. Was that like, oh I want to get married and I dreamt about my wedding and the wedding dress. I was never that girl. And then then I got married the first time, and

I thought that I was ready. I wanted to be ready. I just and I ignored a lot of red flags. So I can't blame that person completely. There's things that I take full responsibility for. But after that relationship and how it ended, I really was like, you know, what, marriage is just not for me. It's just not for me. I want to have a different boyfriend every year, because

the first year of every relationship is the best. It's the first Valentine's, the first birthday, everything, The first was just so exciting, Like I love that feeling of being courted of when that guy is just trying to do everything to impress you. I love that. So that's why after that, I was like, I want a different boyfriend every year because that's it. I'm not gonna give my heart to anyone. Until I started saying, Okay, in reality,

I want to be in a relationship. Being single is just has never really been for me because I like that partnership, that companionship I want to do. I want to go to the grocery store with that one person, like I do better in relationships. So when I realized that, I'm like, Okay, this is unrealistic. Like I don't want like three thousand freaking notches under my belt. That's not cute either. So I'm like, okay, what am I gonna do? So I went to therapy and I I stopped looking

outside of myself, and what does that mean? I'm like, I want to heal myself. I want to be better for Jane. I want to be happy. I want to have a healthy relationship. I want to be what I need to be in a relationship, but for myself and I just in the past, I would look at everyone else except Jane. I thought I was doing everything right until I realized that I was imperfect. And I think once I started looking within and saying what can I change? How can I be better? What do I really want

in a relationship? What don't I want to keep repeating the patterns, it all changed and I had to get to the point where I was like, I'm okay with being alone, with being by myself, but I don't want to. But if I have to, I will be. And when I spent time with myself with Janey, I healed a lot. I learned a lot, I heard a lot. I just all that outside noise. I was like, Okay, I'm not going to focus on what he's doing and what he didn't do and how he hurt me. It is what

it is. What can I learn from that pain? What can I learn from that relationship? And then everything kind of change in the thought of marriage. Then it became well, yeah, I believe in love, not every man is the same. I'm not the same. You know, we all change. That's what this whole podcast is about, is evolution. And I started opening up to Yeah, I'm down to get married again. If it happens for me, cool, I would love it. I'm not going to be like no, I'm never going

to get married, like I'm blocking. I could be blocking myself from something wonderful. And then I met my now husband, and I'm glad that I went through that process, that I took that time to heal, that I took that time to spend with myself, because little did I know that there was another person that was doing the same thing and he had also gone through a lot of things. So when we came together, we were ready to be completely honest. We put our cards on the table. We

didn't want to repeat the same patterns. And I think because I was finally changing and I made the changes and I wanted to be the reflection of what I wanted to attract, That's when things changed, because I feel like I found my person where he's been through his share of shit. I've been through my share shit, and I felt safe again to love and to say, Okay, marriage can work. It could work. You guys, I think

we have this thing of like marriage is hard. I'm not saying that it's easy, but it doesn't have to be as hard as society makes it or as hard as maybe you grow up watching like I did. I was like, damn if that marriages don't work, and if they do their cheating on their wives or a vice versa, Like I had this all these stuff and I'm like, wait, wait a second, I'm gonna e RaSE that all of it. And there's a white canvas and I have the choice to paint whatever freaking picture I want to paint. Like

I have the choice, I need them. I need to also be willing to make changes in my life to make this relationship work, this marriage, when before it was like it's my world and you live in it. Like that doesn't work for anything or anyone, especially if you're in a marriage. My whole mentality, my whole emotional like reaction to marriage all changed. But because I was ready to say I I want this, okay. So another one forgiveness. I kind of talked about it a little bit with

like my whole my dad, that whole situation. Forgiveness has been something that has been so easy for me to be honest to just I forgive and I have forgotten to a fault. Because sometimes some people say, keep a note of of what people have done to you, because that way doesn't continue to happen. I have not. I

haven't kept like a record of it. I had to start doing that with, you know, in one of my relationships, because I'm like, wait, I can't forget everything that this person has done, because then it's I just go back into the same cycle, you know. But now I can tell you now, right now, forgiveness. I think forgiveness is important. I think I always tell you guys, it's a gift for yourself, not necessarily for the other person, even if

they never ask for forgiveness. I think it is import weren't for you to forgive and just not hold that resentment. Now I've learned to forgive and not necessarily need you in my life, when before it was I didn't have boundaries. It was I forgive you and then you come back, and it's like and I still struggle with it a little bit with certain people in my life that I have done some pretty messed up things and I still

allow them, and I get burned. So I'm still working through that, for sure, But now I've learned to put a hard boundary where I'm like, wait a second, if you're not making me feel good at work or in my home, you're not coming into my home. You're not going to be around my work environment because I need to feel good, you know. But forgiveness, I think is definitely something that we should all practice and not hold that resentment in that baggage because it does no good

for you. It actually causes illness and depression and so many bad things when you're holding onto things and not willing to forgive people. If you want to be forgiven, then you must be willing to forgive. And I have a whole book on that. You guys, go ahead and read it. Forgiveness in English, better going in Spanish, but I speak about it more in depth. But I feel like my forgiveness, if I've evolved in any way, it's

it's just boundaries. Boundaries are so healthy. Being able to say no and putting limits to things into certain situations. It gives you so much power and protects your inner peace. Like our inner piece is our responsibility. So what are you going to do? What? Walls not bad walls, but healthy walls are you going to put up to not continue to go through that? And I was just letting people just step all over me because I was a people pleaser, because I wanted to make people happy. I

wanted their approval. I wanted people to like me. When I stop people like when, I was like, I don't care if you like me or not. I like myself. Dude, I'm a older woman. But I don't know how I went from that to forgiveness, but forgiveness important. Okay, So the very last one you guys is finances. Ooh girl, Okay, I'm gonna make it quick because I know this has been a long episode. But finances. For a long time, I was under my mom's wing. I worked for my mother.

I had all of the control of my mom's money. I was paying the bills. I was very good at that, always very good at paying bills and making sure that everything was paid on time. But then I just also had the liberty of just okay, have my mom's credit card. I'm just gonna like I was a spoiled little brad. I guess if you want to call it that, I'm just gonna swipe the card because and it wasn't always like that, because of course we went through really tough times.

There were times where we didn't have a lot to eat and we didn't have the luxuries that we had. When my mom got more famous and more successful, should I say so, that was different. But when we did and I had the liberty of using my mom's card, I abused it. I abused it. I didn't understand the value of money. I didn't understand how important it is to take care of it, how important it is to invest, even to save for a rainy day, you know. And again I wasn't using my money, I was using my mom's,

so it was just easier. And that was one of the biggest lessons for me was when my mom said, boom, you're not working for me anymore. You're not taking care of the kids. I want to take control of my household. It's very difficult because I was very territorial of my siblings, of my mother, of our things. But in reality it was in hours it was my mom's. And then I was forced by the world and by universe, by the

universe to go out and make my own money. And that's when I realized, oh shit, I gotta I have to save. I have to not only save, I have to not spend on ridiculous things. And now I ask myself, Okay, there are still times. This is something that I'm still like, I think when I was overworked and I was very stressed out. It's so easy now you guys to just swipe and you don't see it, like it's like literally your phone just has to look at you and ooh

they charge you. And I found myself doing that like maybe a month ago, a month and a half ago, where I was just like, oh, I was just getting a bunch of packages and I'm like, Jenney, stop. But now I recognize it. I had to get to the point where I'm like, okay, is this a luxury or

a necessity? My bills I'm very responsible that is always being paid, but instead of like the money that I have extra, I have to invest it and save a little bit of it because you never know what can happen tomorrow, but not just spend it on things that I don't need, like I was just spending I think for a long time to fill a void, a hole that I had, and in reality it's just stuff and quite frankly, like I was buying so much that I

didn't even have the time. I wasn't going anywhere enough to use everything I was buying, you know, and it was just there collecting dust. And now I'm like, I'm better with also paying it forward and cleaning out the closet and you know, like not keeping things just to keep them. But I think now more than anything, my finances, my business ventures, all of that, all of that is very different. Now. I know what it is to earn

my own money. I know what it is to not have any to feel like, oh my gosh, if I don't do something, if I don't work and do something quickly, I don't know how I'm gonna pay my rent next month. I've gone through all of that. But it's also they've been lessons because I've overspent, because I haven't been a

good stewart. A good stewart means like taking care of what God has given you, you know, And all of that I can tell you now that I know the value, that I know the importance of it, that I know what it's important to invest, still have to ask myself keep you know. And this is the advice to you guys, Like sometimes it's just easy to just selle, I'm gonna buy this, like no, like, sometimes it's good to like go back to basics and cut back on things you

don't necessarily like need everything that everyone has. And it took me a long time to get there. I'm like, it doesn't make me a better person or more attractive or cooler to have all the trendy shit like no, like, that's not what's important. And for a long time I did that. I did it to impress people, to make myself look better, you know, on another level, and it's it's ridiculous, Like now it's silly. Now I'm like, okay, I want a building, now, I want to invest in

my businesses. Now, I you know, I want to do all. I have so many ideas, so many things that I want to do. Now it's not about buying that materialistic thing that's going to give me, you know, instant gratification. I'm thinking long term. I'm thinking my future. So anyways, guys,

I hope you enjoyed this episode. Thank you so much for listening, And like always, I hope that through my vulnerability and my transparency, you guys can learn and grow and mature and hopefully I can help you also prevent from making certain mistakes and errors that I have. But you always know you can come back to Cheeky's and Chill and you'll always find an honest place and a place where you can be yourself completely like I can

be with you. Guys, So thank you so much, and I love you, and I'll see you on the next episode of Cheeki's and Chill. This is a production of iHeartRadio and Mike wa podcast Network. Follow us on Instagram at mike Utura Podcasts and follow me Cheeky's That's c h i q u y s. For more podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your favorite shows.