That's On Brand - Chewing The Cud - S05E08

You're watching Chewing the Cud. We've missed Kinderman and Mike Ben in Rome.

And that was the polaroid inside of the fan letter, and that's why I came back. Oh, hello, welcome to Chewing the Cuds. Are you ready for the show?

Have I read and warmed? It is quite warm. I've been warmed, warmed and slightly warmed.

With the spirit of enjoy gin at this time of day, disgraceful, quite frankly.

What have you got for us today? Actually, well, I've got a story about something not to give to yourself the first thing in the morning, and we're going to do something that's slightly interesting, that's not that science that is.

And even have a game to play in our Game of the week. But on screen now you can see our social media contact info just look for at the cut TV.

And as the names of people who have dropped us a line on our social media for golong the bottom of the screen. It's time for mist and the shows.

Right, So I have some celebrity stories. Are you interested in hearing about a bunch.

Of desperate puzzies? Well you go.

So, do you remember the Tiger King?

Tiger King? Yeah, it's a poor pressure here. I'm aware of Joe Mandernando. That's exactly the fella.

Now, he got put in prison for attempting murder on Carol Baskin planning a murder, yes, but you can't really blame her.

I mean she was koog.

But nobody in those shows is same.

Nobody in those shows are saying but he did hurt a lot of animals quite and locked up quite genuinely. But he's one of those people that are just a man's attention and will hop in on anything to make his presence know. And that's hard when you're in prison. But apparently in America you can get social media. Guess who he's been bothering, Caroen Baskin. He was bothering Donald Trump for a while, well, very much the same thing, but indirectly.

Directly bothering Donald Trump Ivanka.

No, he has decided to attack, well not attack, but jump in on the Kardashians.

Okay, as I said, a bunch of desperate pussies.

These girls have.

Got pardon your language, not a fan.

No, I'm not a fan either, And what are they really favorous?

I mean I do.

Admire the hutspur and how they managed to market themselves for doing absolutely nothing. And yeah, you've kind of got to begrudgingly give them that, I think, but you don't really you wouldn't wish the Tiger King on them. And then one of them, well, maybe you'd be happy about Courtney. It was was cradling her new baby Rocky and just talking about it on TikTok as they want to do or was it Instagram? I think it was Instagram, and then Tiger King pops up commenting on it.

With are cute?

Also, please could you have your sister help me get out of this hell hole? Okay, not really relevant to look at my gorgeous new baby boy.

And as a sister now some sort of legal eagle.

She might be getting a leg over one of them.

I don't know. I have no idea what they really do. They're not real people. To me, they aren't real people. They're just vacuous. Vacuous use is a good word. They've probably been vacuumed.

So I'm intrigued to why Joe's not having a great time in prison with this predilection of the type of gentlemen he went for. To be fair, I quite like the kind of guy.

A little bit.

How do I get this? I need some tigers or some methanthetamine.

Okay, you can't get hold of a dentists for love the money. My back teeth are falling out, and now I have a mullet instead of a ponytail?

Am I turning into the Tiger King?

Now?

Ah, that's a shame because I could attract these poor, unfortunate souls, not Arsenal in the sea witches. But yeah, anyway, this fellow, my lad, he was challenged on this, but when he was challenged with why the hell.

Are you talking to us about this? Look at the little baby boy.

He further hijacked it by asking her to push Biden and Trump to pardon him.

Okay, two ends of his political spectrum there, Yeah, quite a bit.

I mean talking about hijacking a conversation and making it all about you.

So moving on.

You know that meme of the le ma, the meme ma, yes, so the distracted boyfriend meme? You know, the one where the guy's walking down the street with his girlfriend in hand, but he's something a little bit better. It's a classic, my ex I know we've all suffered that one. In fact, I've probably been guilty of doing it. To be fair, it's a classic meme for a reason because it's a universal experience.

Universal truth.

Yeah, yes, men are bastards.

Um.

So this meme has been around probably since the meme began. You'd think since the Internet began. So it's been around for good like ten years. Yeah, no, been around for around about one hundred. It's been around before the Internet. This is Charlie Chaplain in a film from nineteen twenty two called Payday.

It's a banger prostitute.

Well, I don't know which lady is which, but that's the meme bang on, isn't it.

That is quite an obvious yeah, side by side actually accurate. Now I always find this Gentleman's a little bit this year.

I do love how they vary this meme and occasionally they just photoshop her out and put some honky guy in there or mean.

Or food or food. Yes, this is my favorite one. They are.

But it just goes to show that nothing is new and yeah, sparkly not things new. It's all repeated. It's all the kids these days. They just don't understand that we thought of it first, or granddad did rather.

Same as your chal chapel.

Apparently I'm younger than I look. So one more story for you.

Now, this is about football.

I'm aware that there are actually gay footballers in the world. Finally, finally, it's taken long enough for them to be out and proud many because to be fair, it is quite a unfriendly environment for homosexuals.

Can be some of the campaigns that have been going about being out in sport and the ring by Laces campaign and all that good stuff. It's definitely making room exactly and it's not been like that thing.

So to be fair, though I might not be a big fan of football, maybe for sports where but not football. When there is an out gay player, hats off to you, sir, absolutely hats off because it cannot be easy. So Xander Murray is a Scottish football player. He plays for the Gala Fairy Dean Rovers. I think they probably knew, but he is somebody who's got a lot of straight friends, a lot of straight camaraderie going on, and I've certainly

But I certainly have had straight friends. You're all right for one of them or past And I turned around to them and said, well, that's homophobic. You get out of my life. They didn't like that, but yeah, I cut them out.

Well, Xander's taken a different method and he's decided to challenge it and go, that would be fine if I was. It's not a big deal and it's not a problem for you. So the whole you're not that gay and dressing up in dragons being girl. So he's decided to get dressed up in drag. So he's reached out to his friend Cherry West, who's a drag queen, and getting him made over and all dressed up in girly to challenge those stigmas and say, it's absolutely fine you can

Job, don't you. Oh dear, do you know who I'm channeling right now? Go on? Then it's so hot.

Robbie and Michelle No pars Hilton, Oh my god, I got I'm sorry. I'm handing back the gay card. I've got my references wrong. I apologize. I'm just not that gay enough.

Paris Hilton. Really, Yeah, that's Parasitalic, a drag version of Paris Hilton. But Paris Hilton vibes definitely.

It's not really complete Paris Hilt without puppy in a handbag?

Really? And also the tuck isn't that good? I mean, it's a very meaty talk.

I should say, that's the the first thing you went to look for, isn't it.

No?

I went, Paris Silton's face made a reference you didn't get. I then went, it's a shame that the breastplate hasn't been blended very well. And then they got the fake jewelry and the bow is not one hundred percent.

Oh no, big dick.

So can we just celebrate the bravery and success of this gentleman trying to stand out there for us on behalf of us and say that it's okay to be gay and not be a cynical old swine like this bastard here.

Not cynical on a slut. I agree, yes, good for him, well done. Let's celebrate diversity. Let's get people out there and go. It doesn't matter if I am camp for it. I'm not, but I've also got a meaty backage Judgey and desperate. Well that's enough for that desperate apparently horn on a train.

Thanks for that, miss, You're welcome, but stick around. As next it's Mike with the bus. You're watching cheering the cud with mist and Mike. Now let's go into the somewhat poorly lit corners of the interweb as it's Mike with the buzz.

Be angry.

I wouldn't say no, it's not going to be a spy. The snake jumping out of there.

They've just seen me open them. Well, you could have propped something. The first story is about a gentleman, his daughter and a tube of pringles. What hu in joining his stack? Okay, so the first story is as a story about his father and his daughter and a tube of springles. Andy Wilson and his daughter were a little bit bored one day and had a tube of pringles. So he decided to do something that most people wouldn't have thought of doing. I've done a few interesting things pringles.

But go on, like what another story another time, maybe in a crafty queens.

Okay, well, i'd recommend swallowing before I continue with the story first time it has been told to swallow right, and this is Andy Whitson has created the wringle, the ringle, the ringle, And what him and his daughter have done is they have created a way of making all the pringles stacked together in a perfect ring. Oh wow, so they have engineered a way of holding all the pringles. There's no glue. It's all done with friction, even a

Who said high school science would not pay off.

That science that is, our science is not that good.

But yeah, so that's it.

That's that's the Ringle in its glory. Okay. I have a problem with this though. Why they've used an entire tuber Pringles to do that? What have this necked one?

I don't know.

What have they? Would you be willing to eat that? Well, I'm ruined a masterpiece. They have denied all of those Pringles of their Pringle destiny. Ah, those poor unfulfilled Springles. I don't also, I want to smash it.

Well, yeah, but the thing is as wonderful as that structure is, and how it is long lasting. Some of those structures made out of stone bin.

That's not gonna last forever? Is it? Springles? They don't go off, do they.

It's gonna fall apart some time.

Surely a little mouse come in, have a nibble at it, a little mouse, little mouse.

Okay, spray it with something to stop it being eaten. But then you've ruined the mystique. People will say it's because of the spray it stayed together. I think you're just a rather mosquite flavored mosquito. Flavored springles, mosquito, mystek mystiq. Anyway, moving on, when you get up in the morning, what's the first thing that you second thing that you do?

Knock the cat away from what I'm doing, was the first thing?

Okay? Do you enjoy a cup of coffee in the morning? I love a cup of coffee? Is that your first thing? Get out of bed? Coffee um es quickly following why that's really bad fee.

It sets up it sets up the third thing very very well. But you shouldn't be having coffee first thing. So there's been some medical research done right that says, if you have coffee when you first get up, right, you're already dehydrated from the night before because you're not drunk water all evening, right, your stomach is empty, So the coffee is just hitting your stomach, okay, and it increases cortisol, which is bad for you.

When it suddenly increased, it should increase slowly. So what they said is you should actually have that as your third thing to consume. You should have water and then food and then coffee, and you'd still get the effects of it giving you a rinch through for the third thing, but you won't dehydrate, it won't cause stomach upsets and it's less likely cause users as well. So your first cup of coffee in the morning you should wait for. But I use it.

Before I tried as rotund as I actually am. I do try to be healthy and go to the gym and use my actual membership, and I trained first thing in the morning.

For you, I don't even have a membership.

You don't even have the membership anymore.

Because there were charge of being money for not going and then sending me emails going, well, you've not been for a while.

I'm aware.

Well that's not their fault, now, is it. They didn't need to keep emailing me.

It's kind, it's encouraging, it's supporting you.

We noticed you've not been for a while. Question Mark, it's guilty. Question it's guilt tripping, is what that is? What they've done there is reminded me to cancel the membership. Oh shit, you're right, cancel that direct debit.

But yeah, if you're trying to train fasted, one of the only things you can't you couldn't have water but water and coffee, not food. No no, no, no, no no no no.

So in that case, you need to do water jim food coffee, water.

Jim no water coffee. You got me confused. Now first morning because you have coffee.

Because you have coffee first thing in the morning, coffee, gim food coffee is less effective. I would not be able to survive at the gym with no Okay, then don't go to the gym. And if like me, you don't want to go to the gym and fat is happy, because who doesn't love a kebab? Why not share it with us at the TV on social media? Now, are you aware of the world of espionage?

Oh, spiesnes, Oh James Bonds?

I think a tailor soldiers.

Haven't we.

Say anything about that? And going it's not even cold in the studio. I'm just saying, right, So I personally say it was a bit nippy. It's very nipy apparently going to here. So it's about a sorry about a pigeon, okay, who has been detained for eight months for being a Chinese spy.

It is well known that pigeons are spigeons. Pigeons are good in the spine. They used to see that in World War Two, just to carry messages.

Yeah, they've thought he was the pigeon was spying on them. So they've they've gone and said, look, this pigeon has flown over to India from China and is spying on what's going on.

Well, we know that in India there's some political upheaval in who's getting in to run the country and who's not and all that kind of stuff. China, maybe try to interfere with that. You think he's been trying to stage.

A coup with that was painful. I'm very proud of myself, you can tell. Yeah, eight months of his pigeon has been detained, right, And the reason that they're detained it is because they believed that one of the rings had Chinese markings on it, right, and so decided that that meant he was a Chinese spy, not the fact it was a pigeon.

Could it just meant that they escaped from a restaurant.

It's just a pigeon. Maybe, Well, if it's got a ring on him, then it is a racing pigeon.

Yeah, it could be a racing pigeon. My granddad used to keep racing pigeons, so that you make.

A little bit more sense now he did. I can believe it was he northern, He was not northern. No, it's quite a northern thing that.

It is quite a northern thing, and I feel very home being in the north.

But no, he was from Norfolk. Ah nfn h. That makes more sense.

There.

Have you ever been accused of being a spy Chinese or otherwise? What did you do? Not peeping Tom?

No a spy? Again, I can't believe I'm emitting this or are being recorded.

I've been investigated by Interpol.

Who were you smuggling? It was people smuggling. Actually people smuggling because you're tired, they willingly get tied off in the boot car. Doesn't mean it doesn't raise Okay. So there's.

A longer story to this we can't really go into, maybe in a seasonal episode. But I worked in Finland for a brief while, and because the airport is so far away from the hotel, they had to get the people who work in the hotel to check the guests out. So I was doing passport control as like a nineteen year old boy and only did it the once. We didn't have proper training, and I got the maths wrong and apparently let three people into the country. I shouldn't

So you know, I'm I'm I'm from out twenty years ago at nineteen Okay, okay, okay, anyway, very swiftly from the delusions. But yeah, honestly I have been investigating with Pole, haven't.

They haven't caught, they haven't followed it up, so I think I'm safe. Well, and it was just because I couldn't do maths. How do you miss three people?

I was very tired, It's been a long day skiing.

And.

Honestly it was just like doing a tally, so you could I count people out of the fifty other odds that had got on a plane already.

Okay, so how many people have got on fifty? Well I've got fifty three and now old on. I thought I thought you were just going to be found with people tagged up in your boat. Oh no, they wanted it.

No, No, it's.

More on brand. But that's all from the buzz this week.

Thank you, Mike, and I never realized I'd be so giving. Stick around as coming up, we have our game to play in our Game of the week, welcome back, and yes you're watching cheering the cud and we're going to be playing the Gobby Game Show. And this is one for you, Mike. So off your pop.

Oh so you said something witty day of the week.

So we're going to play the Gobby Game Show with Mike. Have you got the ballgag ready in your gob? Okay, here we go. Mike is going to try and sing some songs the best way he can with a great big ballgag in his mouth, and see whether he can communicate to me the genius and the art of these popular songs.

Be ready.

Ever, I know the answer, and I go to give the correct answer just to shut you up.

Oh, poor Seline Dion.

She's about to head to her grave and she will be spinning in it if you carry on sing like that after she's popped the clocks. That will be My heart goes on. It was that will be my heart will go on.

That's not what he said that he said my heart, my heart goes on that.

Now.

I love this song, but I've never understood whether it's hello Hello Hello or halo hello hello, or hell no, hell no.

Hell no.

But that would be Navana hello hello Hello Hello.

Well, I was singing it wrong in the club in the nineties, many many times over. I think I did all of them at one point in time. Anyway, that is definitely Nirvana. That's Navana.

Then I kind of get the feeling he's being nice to me because I'm a new boy and I'm not too sure they want to admit to knowing this one.

Would that be the Spice Girls? If you want to be my lover, which.

Ever heard it from Devin before? If you want to be.

Get with my friends, you do.

Chacter It's like Benny Hills back in the room. Yes, it was the Spice Girls. Well, don't you.

I didn't realize how I've heard they were a popular group in the nineties.

I've heard one or two of the sons. Uh huh m hm hm. Could you try that again? Please?

Any clues? I hmm, no idea, you've stopped.

Me on that. The gallery of got it?

What?

What's what's the what's the gallery? What's the guests from the gallery? Please? The bill? What? What? What?

What popular group? Did the bill? What is that the name of the band?

Oh? Then I t V thing I don't don't don't do it? TV very popular in the early narts. Today, I thought they did Juliet Bravo, Well, what alright?

Down with it?

Then?

Well la.

Again?

Please no no, no, no, no, no no no m.

Outcast not not not a clue that what that car? That cars?

Well?

Could you try it with a kazoo? They can't play it because we're getting guests from the gallery.

Guess from the gallery, Please guess there was Billy Jean by Michael Jackson. No no, no, no, no no, it.

Wasn't on the history album? Was this? Well?

Then how well?

Love?

You know, you know when Peter k did his video and you still think like that that's got some very dodgy people in it. It's not quite as joyous of the rewatch the There's, There's There's. I mean it is very uplifting and very fun as you go along doing that, but yeah, it's a it's it's a regrettable moment, I feel, and seeing you sat there with a bottle hagg in your mouth starting trying to sing the way to Alba Real, I.

Feel we might have reached a low point in our lives.

Judge awful, oh mm hmm.

Just for the records, whichever camera was it? Just for a record.

I was not banking on the.

Trap elsin elsin, Well, all.

Well, love.

Is it something to do with eyes?

Is it? Is it?

Oh?

I think I've got it? Is it Simon and garfun call Bridge over trouble water or is it silent one? No, it's not sounding silence?

Is it? It's Bridge out of trouble? Oh yay, I'm good at this game.

Well, well this falling down by fair lady.

See I am, I'm good at this.

Mm hm oh that's one. All right, I want to roll go on.

Well now.

I think you might just be singing random words so I can't win again.

The gallery is trying to help again. Gallery guests, please go ahead, please.

Kennley.

Who the hell's ken Lee? Who's ken Lee? Oh? Not? What? What there?

Who's ken Lee? We'll stick around next us. That's Mike with that science.

That is.

Welcome back to cheering the cud. And now we learned something we didn't need to know. It's Mike in. That's science.

That is, that's science. That is cool. So water, as we know, is in short supply fresh drinking water, so we need to use it sparingly, but as homosexual as we like flowers. So what we want to do is create a low water vase for flowers. Okay, okay, to the point where you just get the stem moist and it will keep the flowers fresh and alive.

I love the use of the word moist.

I love the word moist. Very first thing it needs to do is to take a small plastic bottle that we're going to reuse. Okay, go recycle. And what we want to do is we want to take off the tip. You mean the lid, actually cut off the tip. Oh okay, I've got a pair of You want to remove the top and a little.

Bottom and the little bottom.

A little bottom, So you want literally just a tube of plastic eventually, okay, okay, we can. We can do this. Do you want it right off at the tip or give yourself some width you want? You want a bit, a girl, You basically want to use the main part of the body of the bottom. So what I say is from the little lip, okay, down to the little we want the full.

Thickness of the richness.

Right, I'm with you.

It's easy to cut into as well.

Easy to cut into, okay. And what you want to try and make sure is that there's no jaggedy edges as well. Um, I think I might have already nailed on that sort, but you can, you can. You can re trim once you cut it off to ensure the jagged edges. Oop, it's cut off in my hand, okay, as it does. So once you've on the top, you do the bottom.

Right, there's a very jaggedy bit here, but we'll have to coat well.

You can trim once you're cut off. That's what I'm doing.

That's right.

Bottom is a little bit stiffer. It is very bottoms. That's something you've said before.

You want it to be moist but still retain firmness. Indeed, cool done, Okay, cool. Now that's the open vessel all right. Now your least jagged depart needs to be the top. So run your fingers around the rim and find your smoothest area.

Okay, okay, okay. Now you have been given a prophilectic gundom. I remember these when I had a sex life. Oh bless you. And what you want to do is you want to extend it and unrather it. Oh, take it out, then take it out. Never use your teeth. You should never use your teeth. You have a chance of breaking it. And then you want to slide it in and then wrap it around.

M bringing back memories of fumbles when in my teenage years, that's not quite unfelt.

It needs proper.

Unfurling, it needs properly It's surprising how far that you're saying stretch it is, which I found very very useful for myself.

Okay, So once you've done that, Now the next thing. You've got some film phone, some some purple film. And what you want to do she wants to cut off some chunks of film, chunky bits. Okay. And once you've got some chunky bits of film like cubes, well little cube kind of things that the film I've given you is in triangular pyramid things like cubes of toblone like pieces of the word cube applies. It's got four sides.

Well, we can be liberal with language, artistic poets tree.

So I'd say you need about two of the strips worth of phobia bits m h. And this is going to act as insulation. Oh why are we going to make it hot? Huh? So that the moisture doesn't evaporate right right, and you're just going to pop that in while holding your condom in the middle.

Hello, So they surround theft of the condoms Okay, you don't want to go all the way to the top, but we wanted to be quite full.

Okay, stuff, I'm in huh wonderful, lovely, marveless.

Oh you do rush. You should take your turn with These things are the worse that split on you.

Hm. Okay, at least.

That's how I remember it.

Mhm h m hmm. Going too vast is what caused the problem friction mm hmm. Okay, okay. Now the next thing we need to do is we need to create something will cause grip on the shaft of the flower. And that's what we would use this balloon for. Okay. It's got some water in it, just for some weight, okay. And what I want you to do is get it. So it's about fifty to fifty weight in little in balls, what's separated in half other side, okay. And then once you've got about fifty to fifty you want to twist

Okay, we're quite enjoying just bouncing them on my finger like that.

Okay, if they burst, remember there's electric below you. Oh yes. Now what we want to do is this is the challenging bit. We're going to take the condomp mm hmmm. We're going to feed it through the gap between the two bubbles of the blue. Okay, and then we're going to pop the blooey bubbly bits in the top of your water your old water bottle. Now, my ball balls are too big, okay, so I have to release some of the liquid. Okay, my ball balls are quite big, but I like them that way.

So I'm just going to squeeze them in the hole and make sure they're firm and tight in place.

Because I can. I can, I can manage. So what it wants to do now, okay, is get the tip of the condom in between the bables, yes, okay, and the bubbles of the blue need to be at the top of the bottom. It's a bit tricky if you're not very dexterous.

It's giving me flashbacks to a Friday, And I like to be honest.

I'm cheating. I'm using my mouth because I'm a professional. Nothing wrong with that, to be honest. Okay, have you done that? I did ages ago. I'm just enjoying right now. What we're going to do is take the tip of your condom off. Oh you have to put it right right through, all right right through, because the condom is now going to encase the top part of the whole thing.

Oh well, I need a bit more. A bit more condom will be interesting. Show me about my chafts through. Nip off the end.

If off the end so you've got an open end, and spread that around at your bottom.

This is how my neighbor got her husband to stay.

Okay, and there you have a low water, boss. I think you'll find this is where we've got a flesh light. No, it's not. It's a low water.

This is a homemade flesh lights water.

Don't ask me how I know.

But COVID and lockdown was a very long, lonely time.

That's science, that is m that's science that is so yours has failed.

It's an actual disaster. Mine's worked perfectly fine. Right, So what we need to do you need to get some more shit intoelve ours. Okay, don't have any moisture.

Was going to. It's a bit of spit. It doesn't need to be much, just a bit of spit, right, and then I can pop off flowering. You have to ease it in. You can't go ramming it in. Okay, but there we a bit tight. But it's in now we've got to see. Now that's pretty and it's low water.

So economical, recycling ugly as hell for the planet. I can see Gretta being very proud of you. I think Greta would be very proud of me too.

It's just a little bit of a a little bit of tightness there to because you sometimes have to widen it to.

Okay, Yeah, I'm fine, Okay, Yeah, I've got yourself a little stretched toy out of it. I'm happy. Well, that's a fantastic invention that will truly save the world, and none of us are going to die from an apocalyptic hell from a lack of water.

You've just saved the world. It's like a fleshlight it. I've invented the homemade flesh light slash bars.

And just like that, we're all suddenly going to die.

A broken me stem. But that's almost the end of the show for now. Remember to join as our social media at the cud TV in all usual places.

Thank you for watching and we'll see you soon.

Goodbye, bye, three Flowers. I can fit in there.