Poked My Finger - Chewing The Cud - S06E22

You're watching Chewing the Cud with Lee Robertson and Mike Benyon Groan.

I said, you're going to need to wash that because any thcker and you can spread it on the Jacob screen. Cracker. Hello, you're watching Chewing the Cud, your lighthearted weekly look at the world using a pair of drag glasses. I'm Lee Robertson and with me today is a man who once got so hungry he apparently out a spider wriggled and tiggled and jiggled inside him it.

Mike, Okay, I didn't choose to eat the spider. The spider chose to nest itself when you coughed it out. So I went to sleep. I woke up choking, unable to breathe because a spider had lodged itself in my throat.

How big was the spider?

Well, it came out about that big.

Was it a huntsman?

Yes, it was a huntsman, so jumping huntsman spider? Why would you do that? Oh?

It was inc Wincy the Garry's take. Did did it survive?

Not me throwing it up?

No, drowning your acids? Yes, okay. Stories it's a film like that a short film Rachinophobia that's made.

One are they they're choking?

And what have you got?

Well this week I've got a story about it evolutionary change, and then we're going to play a little game.

And then we're going to get all scientific in that science that is on screen. Now you can see our contact details. It's at the cud TV on your social media and if you want to catch up with previous episodes, you can almost bringe us on your YouTube but for chewing the cord and you can see the names of.

People have reached out and touched our souls going along the bottom of the screen. Now it's time for Lee and the show is.

Were you a fan? Are you where you? Are you? Possible in the future going to be a pano strictly the dancing.

Show and I'm aware of it. I liked it like the first season. I went, oh, this is good and it's like it's the same ship again.

Yeah. Then Bruce died and oh rest is peace. Godlan to have a very successful career as a as a chairbel mm hmm. Anyway, do you remember the celebrity chef John Waite who starred in I think it was last year or the year before strictly same sex partner, he had a liquid bomb, a good bum.

It's not you.

Rude. So he's he's in the news at the moment because he's claimed that he's been dropped from a brand deal. Okay, because he's he's launched an only fans profile. Okay, so we've got a picture of him here, I think with his with his partner when he did he did strictly his husband, not that's not his husband. He does have a husband, but that's not his husband. That was his dance partner. Do you think, oh, we've got a shadow

I do you have an only fan? It's me.

Oh that's sad. It's just a a bit now, okay, yeah. Yeah. Have you seen a film called Rotting in the Sun. No, no, no, no. So that was a twenty twenty three black comedy thriller which was all about somebody trying to succeed in the art world whilst habitually taking ketamin, which is nice. I would know if it's we wouldn't recommend it. And then he meets some sort of social it's an lgbt Q plus yeah he does.

Yeah, it's dead.

But he has an erection when he was dead. That's not common. That's not uncommon from my experience or the dead people like. So the guy that was in the film who played the main character, has released his is debut album, Jordan First Man, not what I thought it was,

That stops it being so if you can see it stops it being suggestive, it then becomes explicit pornographic.

Yeah, so it's kind of like said, I'm just put words to lyrics of my friends, things that my friends say to each other. And it's parental advisory, okay, because it is very rude. But like it says that the promotional posters have been disappearing on streets. I've never heard of him. I appreciate Harry Cleavage, but that's just me.

Well squatted themselves.

Oh, he's in his like Daddy era, isn't it is Ricky Martin. He's going on tour in Australia. Okay, imminently in the next few months. That's not him on tour. That's him just by his pool with his budgy smugglers on. So he's been loads of interviews, as people do when they've got something to promote, and he's been talking about how he is very open minded when it comes to not safe for work acts. Okay, So I don't think that means that, you know, like shitting on someone's desk

Mhm?

What's what's the fetish? What is it? Though? It's not?

Okay, apparently it's not.

Isn't that when you I'm not gonna say it, what do you think it is it? When you fetish going up inside somebody, in them, inside them, keep saying inside them, you eat them with your willy. I don't know what I'm saying.

What what what gets Ricky Martin often, let's just let's just so.

Ricky Martin doesn't like it's fantasize of eating somebody with his well, I mean, I don't know. He's a fan of the golden shower. Okay, yeah, yeah, he says. He says it's very open minded. He likes nothing more than a golden shower like acid rain. He says, I've done it before. In the shower it's like set it. You know, the temperature of your body and the shower water. It's very different. And he also has a bit of a foot fetish okay, which is that's his picture of his

We're going to have to do this.

I don't know. I don't know what I was going to say. Lie, so because he's really revealed that he has a bit of a foot fetish. He's been inundated with suggest stiff dms and pictures of feet, but he's not mad about it. Okay, so there'll be go that's an insighting. But you know what saying, if you sprinkle, when you tink, Cole, be a sweetie, piss on your face. At the end of the week, show Business.

Proving again that everyone is a fetish to someone.

Thanks flatly, stay right there because coming up after the short bright, we've got a date with the unusual side of the news with Mike in the buzz Welcome back, and you're watching Chewing the Cord. Now, this is the part of the show where we look into what he's pressed control and d on. It's Mike with the.

Buzz control and d It's quite technical for you.

I just read what was on the screen.

Yeah, how do you feel about body fragrances?

Mean?

While, how do you feel about body fragrances?

I don't understand a word. You just said, body.

Fair, body fragrances, body fragrances? Sorry, what was having a straight?

Literally? Just how do you feel about body? There? Almonds? Can anybody else taste almonds. That's how do I feel about body fragrances, the natural fragrance of the.

Body, whatever I feel about smells.

Because it's I've been caught out before when you've got gone right and I've got't get them in. So is it body fragrances that you buy in spray on? Okay? Are they different from is that different from an after show?

For as the story about Lush's trying to just trying to limit of a benefit concept to it, right, Lush, they named three of their bath bombs.

Now, then this is going to be interesting if you can say.

Right, the thermal Waves bath bomb is now called diversity okay, Uh, Secura bath bomb is now called equity, and American Cream is now called inclusion. Okay. So this is a call back to the Orange What's It? And his banning of de I? Okay, So what Lussia does said, so you're banning DEI, We're going to name things, do I?

Okay?

Diversity inclusions in America? Yeah, worldwide, worldwide because the Orange What's It is impacting those all worldwide. So they started renaming in January this year and has expanded globally up until March. So now all of those have been rebranded.

I get I get the I get the idea behind it. But however, I don't think Donald Trump gives a flying fart whether a bath bomb is called diversity.

What if he's one of his favorites, Well, that's a different matter, isn't it. What if you're sending Melinda out for a bath bomb Melinda whatever his name of his wife is, okay, what's her.

Name, Milania Millennia, I call him Melinda Melinda. I don't get the impression that the orange cheetah is a it's a particular bathbomb fan because it would wash off his Orange town, wouldn't it, And enough to have his carcass rec reassaulted.

But then if he gets an orange one, it would add a layer of fude, would Yeah?

I mean, I think you know it's it's you get your digs in where you can.

At the moment, perhaps.

Sending a couple of thousand shaped like massive cocks around to the White House might upset him a little bit.

More flaming with his face on, flaming dog poop.

Flaming dog poop. It's my drag name, Okay, Okay, I'm not I mean, there's nothing to do with the name of the bath bomb. Bath bombs, I I've found them problematic.

You're supposed to wait till the dissolved before you I know that, So what is it?

God?

I don't know, but I'm really gassy.

I enjoy a bath bomb that does not have any ship that floats around in it? Right?

Some of the ones like the charms, yeah, and as.

Like dried lavender. I don't want to be picking that out of my crevice three days after I've had a bath anyway, that's just me.

How do you feel about ones with glittering?

Mm? Hm never. You can't sorry, you can't get it off the bath. Oh they've not thought the time and a place for glittering. It's not in the bath.

Everywhere else, everywhere else in this house. Moving on, How do you feel about mice?

Would mice, blind mice, little chopplin mice? I don't know. I don't I don't feel I.

Don't feel anything.

I don't you know.

If you explained to double before you're dead inside, you feel nothing.

I do not enjoy a wild in my house, but in nature that's acceptable.

Acceptable, Okay, So scientists have been playing with mice, Oh, sexy time tweets.

Tiny mice cock.

Yes, no, they have created a wooly mouse.

Is not just a hamster with the tail stock.

But they're trying to bring back a warly mammoth and starting with mice.

And then when are they going to add the trunk and it's.

Big switching around, it's already got the tail. So yes, colossal biosciences, I've around and created a genetically engineered mouse to exhibit traits reminiscent of the extinct wooly mammoth, but mouse size, mouse sized because it's harder to deal with a woman wally mammoth.

She've got like an aggressive fairy mouse. They aggressive, Well, what you mentioned warding mammoths were quite aggressive because they were very large and it was very cold.

Agree, because I'm cold, Okay, we shouldn't be messing. So they've called them colossal wooly mice.

We shouldn't be messing with nature. Why not? Because it's not it's not needed, it's not intended, it's not wanted. Unless now I would be into this, a mouth sized woly mammoth, like a little one, okay, that you could like keep in a in a in like a hamstercade that but as a wooly mammoth, generally big things made smaller. I'm into that.

You don't like big things, so you have a problem with big statues.

Yeah, but I didn't want one of those. I'd like it. I'd like it. I'd like a wooer. I don't know.

Okay, So what they're basically saying is they could have broader applications, so they could end up bringing back other species or preserving ones. We couldn't have that in.

Dangerous well, and that's all right. Preserve the ones that are about to disappear, don't bring back ones that have gone forever, because it's it's just Jurassic Park all over again in it like a Dodo. But they were useless.

Why were they useless?

They just didn't do anything until cheepy birds that were like, oh I'm not this thing before, just walk up to it shout through the head, Oh you're all dead. Bye. Wow. I didn't know that was going to get so around. So many feelings. Unicorns, what about you?

We can't bring those back? No extinct, we can, they're not extinct. You can't bring back up the nextinct.

But no, I don't know.

And if you want to bring back a mythological creature just because you can? Why don't share that with us? We are at the Cood TV on social media, and that brings us nicely to our story of the week. Now, are you aware of everything your body can do?

I'm aware of what it can do. I'm also very aware of what it can't do. Stand up with that barely can can sit and keep up right and say words. That's this show clearly demonstrates.

So this is a story about they've done some science, right I we love it when people do science, do you yes, because they've come up with an explanation that your asshole used to eject seamen.

I don't like the way this is going. What I don't? I don't. I don't want to think about assholes and why not?

I'm love?

Why did they? No? No? Love? I don't like it? You know how? No? Do you know what is that? What it's called? Do you know how? I don't like I don't like it when in a porn they spait in each other's mouth and I don't understand why they do that. I also don't like it when they like, go, let's look at the load, and then they go right to the bomb hole and then it all dribbles out. I don't know why I don't.

I just don't like it when they go, oh, let me taste it.

Oh, I don't like that either.

Really, for that reraction, I would never have I would have thought you loved it for that rection.

So why did why it?

Recent research suggest that the anus may have evolved from a reproductive opening used for sperm to release in ancient animals, which of course is how evolution works. So they focuses on simple marine organisms, like small marine organisms with a very weird name, which possesses a gonapoule, a single opening for releasing sperm. It's like a chicken. What chicken? It's bomb is Also it's for JJ, don't do that. That's where the eggs popat egg comes out the same place.

So do man chicken not have penises? They're called cockrels.

I very rarely lay eggs.

No, but do they? But do they not have to have a penis to make the eggs in the in the hollow? I need a I need a nature documentary on BBC Three chickens right, So basically what sounded to saying is that a bajillion years ago, all animals had like a spunky bomb.

Yes, yes, they'll have the spunky bomb, right, So the evolution of a separate anus was allowed for more efficient digestion for large larger body sizes. Okay, what about the word it's it's just a very I feel like I'm in like a weird fever.

Dream like spunky anuses and.

But that is all in the buzz this week.

Wow, I'm so glad. I feel feel traumatized.

You feel traumatized, I think I feel sitting next to you.

But I've only got one bomb hole and it works very well, thank you very much. Too well apparently.

But yeah, don't go anywhere because we have a game to play in our Game of the week.

Welcome back to doing the cord with me Lee Robertson and Mike Benny in Row and now it's part of the show where we play a game. And this is for the person who has a slightly angry with It's Mike.

They love eggs, they don't smell.

It's like my fried bag fried bacon ride, bacon and eggs together like a cress. Stinky day of the week. So this week we are playing the game where Mike is going to give me an impression of a celebrity doing something. I have got a guess what celebrity is and what they're doing. Are you ready, Mike?

I am indeed? Are we ready? Arm?

Okay?

So this one is saying I can't do that this person's voice, So I'm not going to I'm just going to do this.

So you're not gonna do the person's voice because you can't do it. So you're just gonna do that.

And I'm hula hooping because that's what was the other thing that you did. I did a Nazi salute.

Okay, So I'm gonna go elong Moose, yes, just being a bell end.

Hula hooping.

What was he doing?

Hula hooping?

Hula hooping? Mm hmmm. It's nice for him, isn't it. I don't even know what he sounds like.

I Betty says, Hollo, he's got it's got.

Voices, patronizing voice.

Shop can die. Okay, everybody, here's the traitor. You're the traitor already, okay, d I see kay, what do we want to do?

H I'm gonna go with Claudia Winkleman, Yes on the horn, not quite because she wants some dick. Claudia Winkleman cheerleading, Yes, chilling, mm hmmm.

See I'm good at this.

Yeah, okay, I'm gonna do a voice. Do a voice, Mike. It's the name of the game.

Okay, already. Mm hmmm, I want to i'mdoing the toilet a big pool. I'm wow.

I don't know if that's acceptable nowadays to do that kind of voice. Why not? It was German? Oh it was German? Was it?

Yeah?

Flat for German? Just to it again, just so well, appreciate nuances, newances, big guy. I'm not doing the toilet.

I'm not doing the po.

Now. This isn't anything to do with what you sounded like, okay, because you sounded like fuzzy bear? Is it Arnold Schwarzenegger blocking the toilet up with a big curd? Is it?

Oh my god, I'm gifted.

I hate being so in sync with you.

All right, all right, loves, Get a fly, Get a fly, kill it, kill it, get a fly.

I think I know what it is, and I'm horrified that I know what it is from that hideous, hideous impression. Uh huh?

Is it?

Is it?

Alan Carr trying to swat a fly? Oh? Good, gree So either I'm very talented. Yeah, you're either very talented or you need to take a drinks. All right, Yeah, I've got a brain tumor.

Okay, you reck for this one, get worsely. I apologize, and at the same time, holo, I've got a shobbery drinks. I'm a Russian rubbery. Captain, were a lot of drinks?

Is it a gay Sean comery? What's he doing? What were you doing carrying a lot of drinks? I didn't hear the drink or.

Mm hmm okay, the next one.

Then, happy birthday, mister presidents, Happy birthday.

Don't stop, mister president. Got to hate.

Do do do? Come on, and mister president, I hate.

People out there. If you want to have any contraception, just get in touch and we'll send you that clip about face. Ain't nobody gonna want to do anything.

I've got a headache. Tonight, no cool on love click.

Mister Oh is it Marilyn Monroe singing conga Oh good green? Oh I need it, I needed I need ament to this.

Yeah, okay, okay, that's next one. You're not getting betterly, I'm sorry near far one hundred.

And h I'm afraid to press this, but I don't want to say what it is right now? That's what?

Is it?

Still a black playing dark? It was giving? Why why was she going? Why was she? Why did you still a black spot? Where have you shot?

Okay, next one, this one you'll get and it won't be as disturbing.

Okay, I don't, I don't, I don't.

Who laughs like that doesn't have any expression in their face. They just open mouth and scream, laugh and tap the desk and they're sneezy.

Is it RuPaul with a cold?

Yes?

Yeah, I get that.

Yeah, okay, okay and talentless of everything that I do and should be banned from t V. Oh it's James Gordon.

I think they might many around.

Hello, darlings, it's me. I'm fabulous. I'm playing Younger and it's gold plated Jenger and it's amazing and I love my husband very much. Without anything that's a twink, I have no eye?

Is it me?

No anything as long as a twink?

Anything, because it's it's gold jnger. Is it Elton John playing jer Wow? What he usually goes about? Were into next week? Okay?

A lot doing this? I do it very well, do it? And then I like that in the end when you go like that and then like that, you then do like that and like that with about of Chocolate's Jenny, I.

Don't want to play this guy anymore? Why not? I want to play this game ever again? You got it. It's somebody doing the macarena that likes a box of chocolates and Jenny oh a running It's Forrest gumb It is doing the macarena. Dorri Scomb, mom bag altar, Dori Scomb. Can you can you do Yoda singing Happy birthday? Macarena?

Yoda doing happy birthday, mister president. Yeah, birthday happiness. It is no do.

Anyway.

That's enough.

Coming up after this shot break, we're going to get scientific in that science that is welcome back. You are still watching Mike and Lee on chewing the cord. Now we learned something interesting in that science. That is.

That science. That is so I have been inspired by your story about Ricky Martin, have you yes? So We're going to make feet knowing not We're going to make pea, oh drinkable pea.

Oh my, what I mean? First it was the Jays, then it was Pooh.

It was poof first we made Pooh, then we made did you did we make poo? First?

We made poof first, milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner chocolates. It's all the same. It's really not ly.

I mean back to my story about USO having spur the arses at one point. Yes, so we're gonna make pee nice. Okay. So you have your receptacle glass, which we're gonna call your bladder okay, okay, And then we've got a combination of fluids and solids and things. Yes, yes we do.

Okay.

So the first thing I want you to do is you have a white powdery stuff here, Okay, not the stuff, not the sparkle stuff. Then not the sparkle stuff character meth So this is urea and urreic acid, okay, which is the thing that makes peep, really makes pepe. So pop that into your bladder glass, okay, okay, yeah, yeah, okay. It took a lot long time for me to get that from my pea to be dried out like that. And then also what else is in that? You've got

If you if your weels like sugar puffs, does that mean that you've got diabetes?

I means you're probably eaten sugar puffs, although they're not sugar puffs anymore. They're called honey puffs, okay, because they don't want to be associated with delicious sugar. So here you have a combination of sugar and salt. So you don't want all of this. You just want to pinch really, just a little pinch, A little pinchy pinch, just a little pinch, my pop to it because okay, and now now you have some vitamins and minerally things. So the black thing is it contains amino acids.

Sorry, windy pops.

Okay, So you have to get the amino acids out of the little thing. You don't want to put the whole How do I do that? So you need to pierce it, pierce it. So I've given you a knife.

They've given me a butter knife.

I've given you a knife.

So and just done. I'll just remove my brooches because some very very very fashionable person and I'll do it like that.

Yeah, okay, we'll cut my open put.

A little hole in the end. Hole went through the side of good.

So lady like, yeah, we won't having problems.

Do I squeeze the juice?

Sueeze the juice, which is amino acid into the.

Oh did you say? Oh look at that?

Oh I look, there's a reaction already happening. It's gone piss yellow, piss yellow, because we're making piss.

My fingers have done yellow. Oh dear, do you want to borrow my pen?

I was back into it right?

Oh?

Oh, there we go when the full lovely, marvelous And then the last thing that we have here. We've done amino acids, We've done your ear, We've done the salts. And these are these are solid electrolytes.

Oh. I don't like the taste of that orange stuff. Oh it's beefy? Is it beef?

I thought for years, for years we got away from beef flavoring and beef smells. Is it beef? Is it?

Though?

It's not beef? No, No, it's amino acids.

So you've got a tablet.

I need you to crush up.

Oh, okay, okay.

There's a couple of ways of crushing up. We can either use a knife for spood or after you've licked ites.

Oh, I just did it all at once. Then god, I'm so, I'm so masculine.

You're like toats.

But baby, so i've crushed it.

I can't and then pop it in your bloody glass.

It's kind of picking up.

Okay, yo, right, wonderful. And then we just need to Now most of pea is just water, okay, so I want you to add the water to the big glass. Okay, I've got my algo. First, it's warm, because pea is warm, isn't it.

I prefer to drink my pea cold where you could leave it to go cold. Then just pour it all in at the same time.

In Okay, I do need to give it a stir as well.

Stirring up the piss, stearing up the piss.

Good nose to gallery loving this. Why are you laughing?

I'm just laughing.

Okay, so I mixed up.

Now I've got blobs floating in my pace. Nor have you got blobbed in your pass?

You mean you don't normally have?

Its gonna have to bleep out pass. Got a nice pace, it's gonna be buying.

And so there we've made pee. We haven't we've simulated pea.

Well, why is all that orange shape dissolved?

Because the water wasn't hot enough? Did you talk that long to.

My pass? Isn't like that?

No, you don't drink enough water.

That's why gallery is asking us to drink. And I'm not going to drink pass without paying for it being paid. Always drinking his pass, he's drinking his pace, always drinking his peace. Okay, Wow, I'm not going to drink it. You're not.

Why not?

Because I'm a lady. Just have a taste. I don't want to drink the piss.

Drink drink.

I don't want I don't want to drink the piss.

Just drink the piss.

I don't want to drink the pear because I don't like the pear. How do you know if you've not drank it. I am the piss giver, not the best.

Take you plenty take the piss.

No, it smells.

It smells a what.

Piss. Okay, that's science.

That is quite, that's science.

That is so some celebrities they enjoy a drink of whey the first way of the day because they say it's full of nutrients. But it can't be full of it because it's it's a waste product. Well, it's a waste product.

But also the thing about like multi vitamins and stuff, when you've got like a thousand perdis you absorb so little of that that you're just basically making expensive we.

Right, So they are right.

You do pee out a lot of what you take in vitamins and mineral wise to absorb. But if it's you're trying to get rid of it, I wouldn't drink my own. It's sterile.

Did you drink somebody else's tends?

How much you pain? Because you know if you're gonna offer medley.

Well, I'm not going to offer you in my pets, no, because it's yours.

Orange. It also comes out in tablet for me that that diydrated.

Mine comes out in like like one of those I want to say nutrogena, but it's not new to Gina. The fizzy tablets fizzy Brocca. Yeah, really hurts, but it was worth it. Genus. What was the other word, barocca? Barocca.

One's a vitamin tablet, the other one's skin carry.

Do you know?

I don't, but I'm sure you're about to tell me.

Piss poor originated from the olden days when you could sell your Wii two two me and I would bath in it. No, you would sell it to the leather tanner ah who would dip the leather in the Wii because it can take it contains things, I mean acids that make the leather. But then this makes like piss, so people would what past and they go with piss pants but really because they were just wearing a pissy belt. Oh god.

That's almost the end of the show for now. But on screen now you can see our contact details. It's at the cood TV on social media and if you want to catch up with breath this episodes always binge us. Just have a look for YouTube Chewing the Cud.

Thank you for watching and we will see you all again next week.

Bye bye