It's A Massive Peen! - Chewing The Cud - S05E18

You're watching Chewing the Cud.

We've missed Kinsman and Mike Ben in Rome.

Do you remember when William Shatner World course it.

No, I'm not as old as you, rude.

It is very ruly. Hello, welcome to Chewing the Cards. You're always horrible to me. You are not always horrible.

Absolutely are horrible if you think about like last year, right, I was nice to here for about thirty seconds.

I suffer. I genuinely I suffer. What have we got for us this week, Mike?

If you don't enjoy it, well, this week I've got a story that I can relate to. And then we get all scientific in that science that is ooh, and.

We even have a game to play, in our game of the week. But on screen now you can see our social media contact infoe just look for at the Cud TV.

And as the names of people who have dropped us a lang all on the bottom of the screen. We ignore the fact that we've got a dog licking a vagina, and we go over to mister the show business.

Is it ready for the show biz?

What if I said no? What if I with draw consent, Well we wouldn't have much of a show, Okay, I suppose I have to say, yes.

Well, I've got some very interesting things.

Okay, So.

Billie eilishh we've spoken about her before. She was a little bit coy about being asked about sexuality.

And it wasn't a surprise to me when when she answered the question.

Well, no, she did kind of make that point, didn't She was like, didn't you know? And it's nobody's business but her own, un as she wants it to be. And she's been quite vocal about that since, saying that she felt very annoyed that people were interested about that and how they were interested about that, and the pressures about it all. However, now it is out there, she's quite.

Vocal, she's opened somewhat, she's bloomed as whole bloom artist.

Well, it's all out there now. Yes, we've spoken another week about her new song that's from her third album, which she's not gonna The interesting thing for me, she's not going to release any singles from this album, just releasing the album, so that is going to be out there there.

She is looking at it very chirpy.

Well, she's getting quite gothy but sophisticated in billy stylish.

Wednesday Adams.

Yes, absolutely, well as sylish as she looks now. The way she's talking about things to confirm that she is Lisbion is, well, I can't say it.

What's she saying?

There? You go, why can't you see it? Because it's very explicit, and I'm a gentleman. I don't use such language. You're not pointed out what I'm supposed to be reading, because this.

Just like facts.

Well, her new song Lunch is very explicit in its language, and she said that she wrote it before even doing anything with a girl and then wrote the rest after. Okay, she's been in love with girls her whole life, but she just didn't understand until last year that she just I'm so sorry, wanted her face and a vagina.

Okay, NaN's not watching. It's okay, by none might be watching.

She's dead. They're both they're both long long dead. But yeah, it's she's she's not pulling any punches, is she. She's just laying it all out there.

She's not laying it all out there. No, No, she's a bit like this, Doug.

Yeah, that's I think that Pug might be called Billy. Yeah, it's it's really going to town.

Isn't it after the lips at the minute, so's Billy.

I'm so sorry, but yeah, it's we We don't go for her explicit language on this show.

This show is ninety.

Yeah basically anyway. The third album will be released on the seventeenth of May.

Okay, cool, not long to wait at all?

That Nope, not as long at all. Moving on to other news. We haven't got long to wait for Eurovision yeay.

So I think that Eurovision is very much like a first date. You build up to all this excitement, you get ready, you have a couple of drinks, and then it comes within thirty seconds and you're massively disappointed.

What a misery. I love it. It's great.

It's great until the very end, when you're watching us slowly droop.

Well, that is like a first date for you, isn't it. Yeah? I love it. I am difficult working in my world. I'm usually very hammered.

Why the writing erections wherever I go.

I love Eurovision all that. I love the Eurovision. The only problem is I tend to get absolutely hammered by the time of scoring happens. So that whole thing about feeling disappointed about how well England I've accepted that the UK is always going to do awful, so I'm not a.

Part from the town. We didn't win but still managed to host it.

Well, yes, but we we did all right. Came second then, but I think that's because of the politics as well.

I always believe that the person that comes seconds is the winner.

Again, we're not talking about your sex life.

I was referring to a date.

Hmm. Anyway, the news about eurovisions, we're rapidly coming up to it happening. The odds if you are you a betting person, not really well, I mean I put money on the lottery m that's might still the wallow in it. That's more of a raffle than really like betting on the outcome or something, because you think you might have an insight on which horse is doing well and healthy. Anyway, anyway, the reason the what do you call them bookies? They are improving the odds on all the gay entrance or

I have loved Oli Alexander for years and years.

Well, he's a bit of a dish. And if you've heard the song Dizzy, it's it's not bad. It's a bit of a banger, it's all right. The odds for them, though, are not looking good. He's only twelve favorite to win, so twelve. Let's go on to a different topic before this is completely derailed by my co host here, so a little a little fashion for you. The Olympics twenty twenty four in Paris are coming up and they have released the British uniform. Oh now, I'll not bother you

He's having to try and plead towards the right.

Yeah, but just to give you a taste, shall we have a look at Tom Daily?

Is this just a way of looking at a twink in a swimming costume?

Absolutely it is. Can we have a look at the twink? Please? There we go.

Oh what I never like about Tom Daily in the swimming trunks is they always smooth his area in posts?

Well they have to. Well why, I will tell you for why.

At the Olympics it's there, you can see it. Hello.

They they have to wear them two sizes smaller than they should do, and and Tom Daily does handily tell us about this. We've always been working on the fit and the material to make sure they're as comfy as possible. I don't think that's true when they're that tight so that we can perform at our best. For diving, you want to make sure that everything's in place and that you don't need anything going awry, especially when you're spinning around. You hit the water at thirty five miles per hour,

Dropping from bathtub of razor blades.

Chopping the cockoff is what if it got you know, slipped out the side, slipped side in them. But that's the point. You've got a were room tight.

What I'm saying is the fact that they are that tight. When you're watching the Olympics right as I do all the time, you can see a definite imprint of people.

That's because he's hanging around the pool with the similarly beautiful boarder here.

It's too smooth. They smooth it too. They actually smooth it in pictures because it's otherwise it's it's porn. I can't wait to watch the wrestling.

Again, the singlets anyway, that's everything from the show is nice.

And for those people are watching Olympics, I would recommend watching Georgia in the Olympics.

Anyway, stick around because next it's Mike in the Buzz. You're watching Chewing the Card with Mist and Mike. Now let's go into the disgusting parts of the Internet. As it's Mike with the Buzz my search history, he said, the discuss sting bits of the Internet. Wow, I look at nothing but porn. What you're looking for is porn. I don't I google nice wholesome things. Wholesome, wholesome, wholesome one that might be a yeah on trains.

Do you believe in ghosts?

Yes? I do?

Oh good, this is handy. When have you Have you ever heard a ghost? No, I haven't seen a ghost.

I think so, but not for definitely. You think you saw a ghost? Yeah, but not in a way that I can go. Oh, ghosts are definitely real. I believe that there must be something, but I can't. I can't put It'd be wrong of me to say his evidence, because nobody can really do that.

Well. One man thought he could. Oh right, as he thought he could. Hear voices and sometimes people sing and talking coming from his electric fan, so he would have his electric When it was warm, he'd pop his fan on to cool him. To waft him a bit of wafting wafted, and he could hear people talking and sometimes shouting, sometimes music, sometimes singing. It's weird.

It was the window not just open and distorting NELT sounds from outside.

Nope, it was actually the fact it was a quite cheap fan and not very well insulated. And the way that we're going to bit that sciense radio waves right were being transmitted by the by the fan because the coil inside was picking up a frequency of a radio station and when it was on, it wasn't actually it wasn't the blades making the noise. It was actually the motor in the back picking up the radio waves. So he thought he was growing slightly but raving mad. But

Because it breaks, it.

Happen and then but like in other parts of the world where the regulations aren't that strong, they can actually do this quite often.

Wow.

So yeah, if you're ever in a far f long country, and you can hear somebody talking, maybe singing. Turn off your electrics. M don't turn off the electrics if there's a gas leak.

Yeah, now I think. I think when it comes to haunted things making noises, if they are electrical or or functional in some way, then that's less believable that it's actually a spirit moving on. How do you deal with creepy crawlies? It depends. Sometimes I freak out. Sometimes I'm perfectly fine, like a spider move out savior that can be very humane. Sometimes I'm depends. There's no rhyme or reason to it.

Okay, so we don't know how you're interact with a spider. If they're big and horrible and airy, you'll try and date them. I don't have a spider in there. Well, if you're not a fan of a Racketd's right. There's places that you shouldn't go on holiday because they've released a map places where you can find the underwater Cannibal Spider.

That's a horrible title. There is, Oh no, that would scare the hell out of me.

We wouldn't say it. It's underwater, right, so it hangs upside down underwater, right, and then we'll eat anything that moves.

That's upside down.

Yes, that's the top of the water there, right, So if you look carefully, it's actually a bubble of air. Then reason it doesn't drown, right, But it's actually upside down, So that's the top. It hangs at the bottom.

Yeah, it's like it's crawlinal ceiling and it's the surface of the water exactly.

And then something comes along and it goes I'll have amble.

And nibbles. Well that's ingenious but horrifying. Yes, that is a spider I would be scared of.

Okay, So would you like to know when not to go on holiday to see this?

Yes? Can I avoid it? Please? Okay?

France, Germany, Switzerland, Slovenia, Europe. It's not a far flng tropical because you think it's going to be a far from.

Well yeah, whenever I think about big scary spiders are usually thinking about Australia exactly freaking huge Europe. How big is this bad boy? How big is this bad boy? That one? It's about that big. That's not a life stivee twitch, that's.

A lifesize picture of the spader.

Yeah, I think size has something to do. Yeah, people say matters, especially when it comes to big, horrible airy things.

So they're not yet in the UK by and I use the word yet because they could come.

Is it a bit like the fire ants in Australia. They're not supposed to be there, but they've got there and now they're there, they're they're there. This global warming thing needs to be stopped warming.

This is this is migration.

Yeah, but isn't a lot of migration because of like a lot.

Of Japanese not weed. It was brought over originally as a plant. Oh that's pretty. Now it's a pest and you get it in your guard.

The same with the ruddy squirrels, the ruddy squirrels, the gray squirrels, the gray squirrels.

Yeah, all squirrels, not all squirrels. But I don't like the look of the red ones. They're two tofty. And if if you don't like things that are tofty, why not share that with us? They could TV on social media. Nuts. I love people seeing them my nuts. That brings us nicely to our story of the week.

Now, now he needs to stick to the script.

I was part way through saying something. Right now I'm gonna have to ask you to just try and imagine this problem. Okay, Right, So there has been an interview on this Morning, because that's still TV show apparently with a gentleman about his life problems.

Right, That's something they do on the show.

Because people are assuming that his life is great, right and everything's brilliant.

Not a former presenter at all, it's okay.

But I think everything's going wonderful and that sort of thing. And he's opened up about some of the unseen expectations and realizations of having this particular problem. Now I completely empathize with him on this and sympathize with him. Okay, as the man with the UK's world's biggest penis has told people how much of a horror it is to have the world's biggest penis. Yeah, he's saying that he

Right, Is this the actual gentleman? Or can I see this?

Man?

I want to see that.

I don't need like so, so for his protection, I've purposely not put a picture up or will I mention his name because someone has Google and tendencies? Right, bit stork ray, you're thinking about that?

Absolutely got on Instagram?

Why because he finds the female form of nuring. But he says, you can't like mention it like within the first ten minutes because that sounds pervy.

I love, I've got yeah exactly.

So it's like the problems coming in because of it's not classic. And then he says, when you do actually get to it as well, penetry of sex is very difficult. It's not as enjoyable because the person has to be very relaxed, right, I'm not everybody's interfisting, right. The part has to be relaxed and they have to be prepared for it, and it can be more of a journey.

Whack on some men. You bring out the gun oil.

We all know he just used the spit use the loop, playing a triangle down?

There? Can we go to break? I might need a minute, got.

A minute, you might need a minute? Thirty seconds? Actually rolling a cigarette? It's not wrong there?

How big actually is it?

It's thirteen and a half inches.

But but length is one thing.

What they didn't talk about the girth that we're talking about the length because it wasn't a let's see if it will wake your appetite show.

It was this is the situation, like you don't put a man with a huge on daytime TV for it not to be titulating a housewives sat there doing their knitting and drinking their cups of tea or stay at home husband's all go or missed Kinsman, I'm busy at work, our professional I've got a job today.

Did you know you can watch this morning on replay?

No? Can you?

I've got a job.

I've got a job. Well, they don't usually have anything on there that i'd be into. You know who stands these magazine shows where it's just a few people chatting away and interviewing random people and talking about rubbish. What's the show like that?

Nobody? But that's all from the buzz this week.

Stick around as coming up, we have a game to play in our game of the week, Welcome back, and yes you are watching Chewing the Cut and we're going to play Who's a Kazoo? And this one is for the man who has found something interesting under his bed, has he it's Mike offfee pop.

Not my bed, not my bed, day of the week.

Who's bed have you been looking on? Better? Not be mine? Anyway, I believe you have a kazoo ready at hand.

I do, but I'm going to tell you this story first because it's brilliant. So, as you are aware, I am recently bereft m So I've not spoken to my father in twenty one years.

Yes, we're not particularly sad about his passing.

Are well, Well, we're sad about the passing. We're just not going to miss him that much. It was very homophobic, called me the F word. Yeah, made a screen call.

No, we all have difficult relationships with Yes.

But unfortunately I've had to clean out his flat. I was under his bed. Oh no, what did you find? A? And and what I'm going to call a very impressive personal aid.

Wow.

So, ladies and gentlemen, you hear it here first bottom in his genetic So are you ready for the first one missed?

After all that he gave you, I've heard some stories, ladies and gentlemen, and this was not a nice person. And ah.

Wow mm hmmm. Yes, I've also found a couple of VHS's and I'm not sure whether I want to watch them. So the first song, are you ready?

That's that's that's not me? For sake? That has I'm not so could you?

I couldn't imagine I was there, missed. Have to imagine I lived it going on?

What's this?

Oh?

Oh oh oh?

Silicon lube as well? So he knew what he was doing, right the first one?

Maybe maybe that was his way of trying to understand you better, just like bottle was actually empty, he was just trying to little experiment you mentioned you.

Mentioned already today, right, first song? Mm hmmm, I can't give you a midche of you do?

I'm sorry again?

Sorry, yeah, please try that song again because I'm rather distracted now. H No, ladies and gentlemen, this man is recently bereathed.

I am recently bereathed.

I genuinely don't have a clue about that one.

There's atomic kit in hole again? Why is that funny? Best thought that was a good rendition? Hold again?

Uh, excuse me, I'm feeling a bit chesty.

Don't know what happened there, But okay, next.

One, could you do that again?

Because I didn't quite get it? And do it with the dance routine this time. That's the wrong dance routine. You said a dance routine. I said the dance routine. And you know, damn well, ideas if you like you, you should have put a ring on it, be on tie.

Yes, exactly correct.

Yes, yes, I'm I'm o FA with the Great American Gay Song Book. Okay, that's that's that's good handy for this game. Really.

M m hmmmm mm hmmm mm hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mm hmmm mm hmmmm m m mm hmmm.

I'm liking the little old shoulders shimmy that you're doing. It's a bit of a shoulders going on there. I nearly got that midnight. Oh god, I've got the lyrics coming in my head.

But the lyrics, say the lyrics.

Can you do it again? Please, just a little, a little.

M hm mm hmmmmmmmmmmmm.

I'm trying to yourself. No, I'm not getting it. I vaguely recognize it. You're doing a good job. It's it's my memory that's failing me. Okay.

It's Pony Pony, Pony Pony Pony by by genuine.

Oh okay, I was thinking of an entirely different song than that was a terrible performance in an awful job.

Pony.

No, that's that's entirely the wrong one.

What what so do you think I was doing?

It wasn't genuine's pony that song I know very well from watching Magic Mike far too many times.

Yeah, who has to leave the cinema? Okay, the next one I have.

Gone to a cinema. We already give long mac.

M h m hmmm.

You sound like a bee furiously wanking.

Okay, never heard of bee feurish? Well, they only make that noise when they're flying. So what you're saying there is that the bees like start stop flying then they go because the wings are beating.

And they've got other limbs still available to them. I'm sure they can have an im flight wang if they want.

Did you know every time a bee rest its wings and picks them all the hairs got slightly hooks, and so every time they land or they take off, they rip a little bit of their wing and that's what actually kills them. Over the time, the wings been torn to shreds.

What a horrible fact.

I didn't say. It was a lovely, very morbid I'm recently bereft, it was.

It was.

I would have thought you'd got this one. It's untouched by the Veronicas.

I have never I'm gonna have to google that one.

It's good, just good tune. It's very very mid two thousands kind of in a like LaRue kind of era.

Any song after the millennium music died after the millennium.

Beyonce, that was after the millennium, Okay, this one was before the millennium then, mm hmmm.

Natalie and Broodly Tom it is. Yeah, that's that's good.

Music's actually a cover song as well.

It is a cover song. Yeah.

I was singing the original because of fancy.

Okay, it did like a little little bit of that. That is a good song, okay, mm hmmm.

H m.

I don't know. I'm not doing very well this week.

I think face l G B t Q I a plus alternative slash ally listen who was named after a color?

Mm hmm.

Think of a song of singers who were named after a color? What color of the lips behind you?

Purple?

No, that's the lighting.

I am color blind.

I think spiky blonde hair, arial artist pink Yes, name a pink song?

U cover me in sunshine. That's quite pretty. I like that song just like a pill, just like a pill that that was your just like a pill that was meant, just like a pill. Sometimes I think me not doing very well in this show isn't down to me.

Always nice to be wrong. I suppose they missed. I'm done. I'm underappreciated in my lifetime, and I'm recently berecked.

I've appreciated art.

Art's a bit strong.

Well, stick around as next, it's Mike in that science that is Welcome back to cheering the card and now we're going to be educated beyond recognition as it's Mike in that science.

That is that science that is.

Me. You know, when you're going to the meal deal selection on your lunch, what choices do you make?

I go for what I want at the time. That's probably not good for me, like what like like lots of sandwiches and carbs and eggs and meats.

Eggs. Now there's what I was hoping for, Okay, because you ever noticed how they're always perfectly peeled, hard boiled eggs. Yes, you ever wondered how they do that? No answer again, you ever wondered how they do that?

It's baffled me for years. Correct, it's been a source of intense dilemma that I do not know the answer to this, all.

Right, back of it, all right, So we're going to do it today on a small individual scale. But we're going to basically peel an egg without using our hands on the egg.

Oh, okay, I usually have to. I do eat a lot of of boiled eggs. I know, smash a lot of shells up. I know, usually a lot of boiled eggs. We can tell from the smell. Protein farts are the sign of a good exercise regimen.

It's the aura of egg you have around you all times that I was preferred to anyway. So the first thing we would choose is a jar. Okay, have a lovely mason jar. No, the reason why we use a mason jar is because it has a seal.

Yes, I like a mason jar.

I like it. I like a seal almost as much as I like a sea lad. So you're going to take your water and you're going to fill the mason job about halfway halfway about halfway.

Why do you always do that science that is with liquids where you're nowhere near electrics and I.

Am because if you want to come and do that science. That is, You're more than welcome to come over and do that science.

That is. Well, we both know that I'm not the intelligent one of the pair. Even I can admit that. Yeah, I'm just acknowledging the fact you're trying to kill me. Oh god ya.

Okay, so about halfway.

I'm not so stupid that I can't recognize the murder.

It's not murder if you accidentally die, not my okay. So that is, believe it or not, highly abrasive water water.

Okay.

What you now need to do. You need to get your egg. Okay, I've got my dad here because they're in a little green box. Okay, and then ever so gently, ever gently op it in.

You've done that with your run before, haven't you? And so have you.

Stuck? There we go, That's what he says to all the boys. Right now, what we're going to do is we're going to seal up the masoner, making sure that it's on very tight, because we don't want to drippy drippy.

Okay.

Now, this is going to choose centrifugal force.

Do you mean swishing about a bit?

Swishing about a lot? And all we're going to do is literally swill okay, and then we're going to swirl this way, and this is what the big machines do.

It's like a washing machine.

Like a washing machine, okay, and as it spins around, the egg is going to peel itself.

Oh wow, actually this is the best size ever.

Yeah, I was going to start.

I mean, it's kind a bit.

You didn't hard boil your egg, you monster.

That properly came apart. Then I was getting all excited then and now I've just got a frothy You've.

Got very very thin mayonnaise is what you've got there. Oh, try to get with a different egg.

Then it's you've got.

A bowl to you empty your jar into your bowl.

I feel like I've been made a fall of I should do that. It's all a little bit now. Yeah, I so excited. I was already getting quite excited.

I noticed.

I thought I found a solution to all my boiled egg needs.

Your boiled egg needs. You planned this monster, almost like a planning.

You know, you're right, almost ruddy did You're not the evil mastermind you think you are.

You know, same thing I do every night, try and take over the world.

Hang on, if you're the brain. Does that make me pinky? Hmm? What are we doing tonight, Brian? Same thing we do every night, Pinky. We're trying to take over the world.

World.

Oh my god, I think we've just found the baseline of our double act here. Now.

The problem is, this is a lot of energy for my little arms. I would have peeled this myself by now.

Yes, but I do find and I do peel a lot of bags. It does take a long time. It will not take it. It's just getting every bit of it off.

Yeah, but this is how they do it in industries. They have big, big barrels that just rush them around and there's no there's no grating or anything because I've just damaged the eggs.

See, it's not working as well now.

As it's sad boiled there. I were to agitate a different way now just because I can. What are you doing to that poor egg?

This is this is the most sex life I've had an agent. M Oh yeah, baby baby, m h If you just cut if you just cut out everything from the shoulders down, there's people who pay money for this on only fans, not a lot yeah.

Hm. Well, and then what you start to see is it'll just at one point it'll just come off in a big clumpy bit. So I think man's actually done.

So it's not as exciting now, is that I've got a perfectly central Google force using long words to pretend he's clever. I want this egg now, I might as well have just cracked it.

They cracked the first one.

Oh well, I'm giving up. I'm having the egg.

That's science.

That is did you cook this egg all the way through? It's a bit spongy?

Did I cook the egg all the way through?

I boiled the egg? Well?

Yeah, the twenty five minutes, twenty five minutes, twenty five minutes still rough like this. What happened was I put it in the pan? Did you start the off cold? Put me in a pan of cold water, then turn the heat on and just leave it right. The thing is I then went, oh, I need a pooh, So I went for a pool.

Have you washed your hands as well?

Yes?

Because what I do is after I is out, I have a shower. So that's my morning routine. Pool, then shower.

The right I'm finding more about you than I needed to know.

I don't pull in the shower saying and so then I came down. I went the negs. So they've been boiling for like a good twenty five minutes. But it will be cooked all the way through.

It just it just.

It's it's an overcooked boiled egg.

This is an overcooked boiled egg. I don't think this was.

I do not.

I do not think this was successful. That's a quite a difficult word, you know. Successful for you. Yeah, I think it's successful.

You just bite into it.

Usually I put a little little salt and pepper on garnish.

That's almost the end of the ship seasoning. That's all. Was the end of the show for now. Remember Jos on social media at the cood TV in all the usual places, including egg fans.

Thank you for watching. We're very soon.

Bye, Mom, keep the bigger things in the most than that. Before, I wanted to take you to swallow. You have not heard that before, have you? I usually goggle probably Other than that, though, build a minute